Princess Celestia's Adventurous Advice

by kudzuhaiku

Rating: everyone
Tags: Raven Inkwell, Princess Celestia, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Adventure
Length: 3581

Princess Celestia has an encyclopedic knowledge of adventuring. Too bad this resource goes squandered.

Smirk, a young unicorn mare from Vanhoover, comes to Princess Celestia to ask a question.

A questionable question. The sort of question that gets one tossed out of society.

Of course, Princess Celestia has an answer.

An entry in the Weedverse.

Published 2018-06-22 20:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-06-22 20:10:07 UTC

Q&A

A slight, thin unicorn waited, humming a tune to herself while her tail swung like a metronome. She was a young mare, though this was not readily apparent because she was covered in a muted green cloak that was rather threadbare, all things considered. A bit too shabby for Canterlot tastes, but this unicorn wasn’t from Canterlot. Her pelt was white, not a gleaming white, but more of a dull chalky white with hints of blue. Her mane and tail were two toned, with an almost dreary pastel pink and a bright, vivid electric blue, with the blue being the one thing about her that was not dull.

Bored, she had tried flirting with the guard, harmless, playful flirting, but the guard might have well been a statue. For now though, she stared out a window, and this being Canterlot Castle, the window wasn’t real, not at all, but she was oblivious to this fact. She watched butterflies as they patrolled the buttercups, unaware that she was watching a masterful illusion. When a door opened, the young mare turned her head, expectant, and the light from the now opened door flashed off of her oval spectacles.

“Hello, I am Raven, and Princess Celestia will see you now. Please, come with me.”

The princess cut a fine figure on her throne and she watched with great curiousity as the cloaked unicorn approached. Now, this unicorn, she didn’t walk as much as she slunk, and there was something almost sneaky about her movements, something untoward about her catlike grace. Princess Celestia, a fine reader of ponies, was already studying the approaching young mare, whose shabby green cloak now hung a little too much off on one side.

When the young mare paused to fix her cloak, Princess Celestia smiled.

“Princess Celestia,” Raven said with a partial bow of her head, “This is Smirk.” Lifting her head, she turned to look at the young mare, and gave her a nod. “Smirk, this is Princess Celestia. Please, relax, and remember that this isn’t a formal visit.”

Awed, the young mare just sort of stood there, staring up at the princess on her throne.

“Smirk…” Princess Celestia’s lips formed a thoughtful pucker and each of her ears splayed out level with her head. “That is a most unusual name. Do tell, how did you come by such a moniker, young one?”

Hesitant, Smirk started to say something, failed, took a deep breath, cleared her throat, and tried again. “I was born with a lip deformity, which my dear mother had to take on two jobs to fix. The doctor did pretty good work, but now I got this smirk, see?” Lifting her head, she angled it off to the right, revealing that the left side of her mouth did indeed, twist upward into a smirk.

“You wear it well, Smirk.”

“Thank you, Highness.”

“Celestia, if you please.” Again, the princess beamed, filling the throne room with warmth and light. “You won a contest to gain audience with me. A charitable contest, from my understanding. Congratulations on your victory. Now, in accordance with the terms of the contest, you get to ask me a question and I am privileged to give you an answer. How might my years of experience serve you?”

“Uh, well, you see…” Smirk drew in a deep breath, squirmed, shuffled a bit, and blew her mane away from her eyes. “Some background might be in order—so that you understand what it is I am trying to do. Everypony else I’ve spoken to about it has told me that I’ve gone nutty.”

“Do continue,” Princess Celestia said in the gentle, encouraging voice of a schoolmarm.

“I grew up poor in Vanhoover,” Smirk began, her gaze falling to the floor in front of Princess Celestia’s throne. “For a time, I ran with a bad herd… and I, well, I… well, uh, I started to go down a bad path. My cutie mark had something to do with it, or, well, at least I thought it did, but then I kinda realised one day that I was just making bad decisions and that maybe I was just using my cutie mark as a sort of excuse, on account of how vague a cutie mark can be sometimes.”

The princess nodded in a knowing way.

“Well, anyhow, recently, after a few run-ins with the law, I’ve tried cleaning up my act, and that’s how I came here today. I entered a charity fundraiser, but I didn’t expect to win, or maybe I did, I don’t know, but I didn’t exactly expect to be here, even though I hoped to be here. I want to make amends for the stupid stuff I’ve done, but I don’t think a few charitable acts here and there are enough.”

“And so you came to me to ask how to make right the wrongs you’ve done?” the princess asked, cocking her head off to one side while her ears stood up.

“Uh, no, not exactly.”

“I see.” Princess Celestia’s lips pressed into a tight, thin line, and something burned within her eyes.

“Well, yes, actually, maybe, kind of, maybe sort of?” Smirk shrugged beneath her cloak and her mane fell back down over her eyes again. “Princess, how do I become an adventurer so that I could do some good for the world? I tried asking my local librarian, and she told me that true adventures are found in books. So I tried asking my teacher, but she refused to speak to me on account that I dropped out of school. I asked my mom, and now I’m getting the silent treatment. Been like that for a few weeks now. Mom won’t even tell me to do the dishes or take out the trash.”

“Oh dear.” One of Princess Celestia’s fine eyebrows began its perilous ascent up her forehead, but then clearly became winded and gave up. As slowly as it had risen, it descended back down, and then it went still, unmoving upon the princess’ regal brow, unwilling to expend further effort. “This is right up there with coming out of the closet, you poor dear. It saddens me that my little ponies hold more tolerance for sexual preferences than they do for adventuring.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me.” Smirk lifted her head and her sapphire-blue eyes were bright with hope.

“I have been a great many things,” said Princess Celestia in a voice of measured calm. “The history books are overflowing with the things I’ve done, both as a hobby and as necessity. I’ve been an admiral that has waged war against an army of pirates. For a time, I was a farmer, and I even pulled a plow. For some reason, ponies really like hearing about that time in my life. But my times as an adventurer… that causes some friction.”

Without realising that she was doing so, Smirk relaxed a bit, with the tension leaving her withers. Her face had a flippant, almost sarcastic air to it, but that couldn’t be helped. Exposed to Princess Celestia’s warm personality, the young mare thawed out a bit and was now a good deal more animated. When she smiled, there was a metallic glint to it; a lone brass tooth stood out, commanding the attention of all who gazed upon Smirk’s youthful face. ‘Twasn’t gold, as one might expect, but common brass, the low-cost dental remedy of poor ponies.

“Right. So, how do I get started?”

Princess Celestia clucked her tongue once, twice, and then began to chuckle. It wasn’t a polite, courtly chuckle, as one might hear from a Canterlot unicorn, no, this was earthy, earnest, and caused visible movement of the white mare’s sides. A lone bit of down got free and then went stray, joyriding an eddy to make good its glorious escape. Whatever great fate awaited was cruelly cut short when the freedom-loving fluff fell to the floor and went still. Such was the way of things. Brief, glorious bursts of existence followed by tragic, sudden ends.

“Develop your need to be helpful,” Princess Celestia began, oblivious to the smothered hopes and dreams of the fallen white feather. “Offer to kill rats in the cellar. That’s always a good place to start. Are two ponies arguing? Go over there and offer to help mediate. Smoothing over arguments is a great way to sharpen one’s diplomacy skills, something vital to any adventurer. Seek out fetch-quests or delivery-quests, which are common enough if one knows where to begin looking. Alchemists are always seeking ingredients. These humble tasks offer little glory, but are a good way for an aspiring adventurer to gain a little experience so that they might grow. Through some strange twist of fate, these simple tasks will do much to prepare you for far more hazardous tasks.”

“Rats eh? Princess, there any rats in your cellars that I could clean out?” Smirk asked.

In response, Princess Celestia’s solemn mien returned in force. “Oh no, you wouldn’t last against those. The rats of Canterlot are quite dangerous, and this, this is why we have the Underwatch. No offense, dear, but the rats would eat you for breakfast.” After a deep, calming breath, the princess relaxed a bit, and studied Smirk with a thoughtful expression. “Never take an escort mission, that is, if you can help it. There’s something I learned the hard way from my many years of experience. Escort missions are the worst. Some boneheaded dimwit with a deathwish and no sense of survival… no thanks.” Eyes rolling, she shook her head and snorted with disgust.

“So, uh, if two ponies are arguing, I should just go over and offer my services?” The young mare reached up with her right front hoof and rubbed at her chin. “Seems a bit rude, that.”

“Yes, perhaps, but it is a rich, rewarding experience just waiting to happen. Who knows what grand adventure might unfold because of your audacity. When sorting out differences and getting others to play nice, you might have to do a quest for them before you can convince them to hear you out, or get them to agree to a diplomatic solution. Opening one door tends to open others.”

“I dunno ‘bout all that—”

“Adventurers with no charisma and no diplomacy skills are boorish oafs. Don’t be a boorish oaf. Do not neglect your charisma.” The way that the princess’ brows furrowed left little room for argument, and she leaned forward, projecting her forceful will. “I am so sick of adventurers that take a sword-only approach. Honestly, the violent solution is typically the least rewarding. Smart adventurers game the system and seek out every possible avenue to gain experience so that they might sharpen their skillsets.”

Ears pricked, the young mare listened with rapt attention.

“Have you had any sort of magical education?” Princess Celestia asked.

“Nope,” was Smirk’s boisterous response. “Not a lick of magication. Public schools ain’t funded enough for that. Bit of a problem, don’tcha think? I’m all self-taught.”

The furrowing of Princess Celestia’s brows continued, leaving behind rows deep enough for seed to be sown. She looked to be very much the irked schoolmarm, perhaps because she was, in fact, an irked schoolmarm. Raven took a seat beside the throne and made herself comfortable upon a cushion of royal purple velvet. A notebook came out and the princess’ assistant began scribbling something down.

“While there are adventures to be had in cities and towns, the wilds of Equestria are a great place to find yourself. The roads between cities are perilous and travellers are always in need of protection. Walking the roads and offering help to those in need is a great way to begin a career in adventuring. In fact, I know a pony who did just that, and he is now an esteemed adventurer of great renown, though some might say that adventuring has made him a bit… rough… around the edges. Though I must say, Mister Teapot has a disposition that is well suited for a life of adventure.”

“Is he diplomatic?” Smirk now showed all the signs of keen interest.

“Tarnished Teapot? Diplomatic?” Princess Celestia rolled her eyes and let out a huff. Then, her eyes still rolling, she let out a whooping laugh that caused her whole body to shake. After a good long chuckle, she recovered herself enough to say, “He is one of my most treasured diplomats. He practices blunt-force diplomacy. That is to say, if you fail to negotiate fairly and reasonably with him, you will experience blunt-force trauma. I send him to defuse hostile situations in hot spots, and should negotiations fail, he can be trusted to find other solutions. Either way, he gets results. Where other diplomats are fragile and would need guardian escorts, Mister Teapot is ironclad.”

“Sounds like good work, if one can get it. I wonder, what’s the pay like?”

“Mister Teapot doesn’t complain,” Raven replied.

Eyes glittering with mirth, Princess Celestia made a sweeping gesture with one wing and allowed herself one final chuckle. “You’ll need a weapon, Smirk. Since you lack a formal magical education, you’ll need some means of saving your own skin in the wilds.”

“See,” Smirk began, “that’s a bit of a problem. It’s not like my local store has a weapons aisle and I’m pretty sure the constables would frown about me having a weapon given my, uh, somewhat shady past. Then there’s the fact that, well, uh, I’m kinda broke and things like weapons are expensive. This presents a bit of a practical problem.”

“Indeed, it does.” Though Princess Celestia’s face was now serious, her eyes were still merry. “Ponies get downright antsy around arms-bearers. Here in Canterlot, not so much, it’s become the fashion due to the rats, but in other places an armed pony causes quite a stir. It is something that you’ll have to learn to deal with. But I must ask, please, do not cause my little ponies unneeded stress. Be discreet with your weapons.”

“Uh-huh.” Smirk rocked back and forth on her hooves while also tugging her threadbare cloak over her back to straighten it out. “See, that’s where things get funny.”

“How so, if you don’t mind me asking? Can you clarify?”

“Well, it’s my cutie mark. It scares other ponies, and that’s why I keep it covered up. See, I kinda thought that maybe I was meant to do bad things because of it, and now, I’m not so sure, but, uh, well, I kinda sorta have a weapon as part of my cutie mark, but, I, uh, well, I’ve never owned one so I don’t know how it showed up. My mark is real confusing to me, Highness.”

“Oh my.” These words were gasped and the princess’ face became one of intense concern. “Smirk, dear, can you show me?”

Now, Smirk cowered and reflexively pulled her cloak tighter around her. She hesitated, uncertain, and was chewing on her bottom lip. After a bit of time spent doing a nervous little prance in place, she nodded and worked up the courage she needed to say something. Before a word could leave her mouth, Princess Celestia asked another question.

“Smirk, dear, have others shamed you for your mark?”

“Yes!” Smirk bleated out her reply and then a huff of nervous, anxious relief followed it. “Nopony trusts me! I’ve learned to cover myself up and keep myself covered if I want acceptance, and it’s real weird, because that’s part of my cutie mark too… a cloak. It’s like I’m meant to wear it. If I don’t, it just causes trouble. It’s like I can only be accepted if I’m hiding myself and being sneaky.”

Raven and Princess Celestia exchanged a look with one another.

“See, I got involved with a bad crowd because I was so good at being sneaky, but I was lousy at being a criminal, ‘cause I got me a tender heart and I didn’t have it in me to mug somepony or break into a house and steal stuff. I mean, I did for a while, I did, I’ll confess it, but my heart got so heavy that I just couldn’t. And now, I’m thinking, if I’m out adventuring, then I won’t be around the ponies that’ll judge me for how I’m marked. At least, that’s the plan. I don’t know if it’ll work or not.”

“Two questions,” Princess Celestia began, her words low, calm, and reassuring. “How did you acquire your mark… and can you show it to me? Problem marks happen. I mean they’re rare, but they do happen. Some ponies were born to cause trouble. I hope this is not the case for you.”

Whimpering a bit, Smirk backed away while motes of glittering blue magic tugged at her cloak. The tip of her tongue lingered upon her brass tooth and her gaze—too heavy to hold upright—fell to the floor. Eye glasses somewhat askew, she shuffled in place, her discomfort evident for all the world to see. Tail tucked between her legs, she drew her cloak around her like some foal’s security blanket.

“I was grounded… I sassed my mom and maybe said a few things I shouldn’t’ve. Anyhow… I was grounded and I got bored and so I snuck out and at some point while I was making my great escape, I got my mark. I didn’t notice it at the time, because I was too busy focusing on the sound of my mother’s sewing machine. I knew that if she stopped sewing, I was a dead filly, ‘cause she’d leave welts all over my backside for being out of my room.”

Again, Raven and Princess Celestia exchanged a glance.

“See, I don’t mean to boast, but I am the sneakiest pony I know. Always have been. More so now ‘cause of my mark, I think. At least, I’m pretty sure that my mark has something to do with it. I’m sneaky without trying.”

“Smirk, would you please let me see your mark?” Princess Celestia asked in a firm voice of command.

“But it’s shameful.” Smirk cowed away and pulled her cloak around her even tighter, enough so that the fabric stretched.

All expression drained away from Princess Celestia’s face, and her eyes held no warmth. “I’ll be the judge of that. Please, allow me to see.” Ears angled over her eyes, she leaned forwards with an expression of intense scrutiny.

Beside the princess, Raven had a look of cold calculation.

Put on the spot, Smirk chewed her lip a bit, huffed, hemmed and hawed, and then she blew her mane away from her eyes. Very much like ripping off a scab, Smirk tore her cloak away just to get it over with, and it slipped down to the floor. Then, without further ado, she turned sideways, so that she might present herself to the princess, and still chewing her lip, she awaited Princess Celestia’s judgement.

“Hmm.”

Ears pricking, Smirk gave Princess Celestia a cautious glance, because nopony ever quite expected a sound such as ‘hmm’ to come out of a princess. It was an impressive sound, not at all like a common pony’s ‘hmm.’ This was far more deep, resonant, and meaningful. Indeed, Princess Celestia had a ‘hmm’ worthy for the ages.

“A cutie mark for skullduggery—”

“Quiet, Raven.” The words came too late, because Raven went silent the moment Princess Celestia opened her mouth to speak. “We shouldn’t make assumptions, though I will confess, it is pretty much what I expected to see. Why, I haven’t seen a cloak and dagger cutie mark for a long, long time. In a way, it’s rather a relief to see one, because given the times we live in, a pony with a knack for skullduggery would be a welcome asset.”

Raven smiled like a cat loosed upon canaries.

Now Princess Celestia too wore a mask of cold calculation, one very much like Raven’s, though far, far chillier. The wisdom of centuries flashed in her eyes, thousands of years of accumulated knowledge, and the cunning to exploit any resource once found. As for Smirk, why, she was almost relieved, but kept glancing down at her cloak, clearly wanting to pick it up so that she might cover herself once more.

“Can we keep her? Please? Pretty Please with—”

“Shush, Raven, I’m thinking.”

At this, a look of intense alarm crept over Smirk’s face.

“That dagger has a green droplet beneath the tip, she needs alchemy lessons—”

“Shush, Raven, I won’t tell you again.”

Ears pinning back, the fearless assistant glowered up at the alicorn on the throne, but obeyed and remained silent. Ignoring the full force death glare of her assistant, Princess Celestia sat rubbing her chin with one wing, her eyes lost, distant, and unfocused. Smirk, exposed for too long, snatched up her cloak with a relieved huff, flung it out to get most of the wrinkles gone, and then tossed it over her back so that she might be covered again.

At long last, Princess Celestia had something to say, and the corner of her mouth curled upwards into a sneaky, princessly smirk that was awe-inspiring to behold. “Tell me, Smirk… how would you like a job? As it turns out… I have need of an adventurer. It may or may not involve rats in dark places.”

Author's Note

Smirk shall return...

Smart folks should be able to figure out where she'll be seen next.