Salt, Sand, Salsa, and Sirens
John, the first and only human of Equestria, peeled off a ribbon of foil wrapping and took a good-sized bite out of his soft-shelled taco.
The guys at “Hermanas Sisters’ Tacos Shack” really knew their stuff. Every taco they made was a four-pronged assault on his mouth: cheese, lettuce, salsa, and fish mixed together into a perfect storm of deliciousness. Shame it wasn’t ground beef, but in a nation where most of the livestock talked back, red meat was kind of hard to come by.
Finishing off the rest of the taco, John wadded up the shredded foil into a ball, then turned to the grease-soaked bag by his side.
“John dribbles the ball over to the basket,” he said in his best impression of a sports announcer. “He fakes left! He fakes right! He shoots...”
The little ball tumbled through the air, tracing a perfect parabola as it landed in the bag with a rustle.
“He scores!” John threw his hands in the air, cursing his lack of a buzzer. “And the crowd goes nuts!” he yelled, brushing straw-colored hair out of his face. He lay on his beach towel, letting the late- afternoon sun scorch his body to a crisp. Overhead, a seagull, nature’s dumpster diver, touched down on the beach and started picking at a beached fish. A gentle breeze blew across his face, carrying with it the salty, briny smell of the sea.
Brushing alien sand off of his bathing suit, John stretched his arms, yawned, and relaxed, enjoying the delicious warmth of the afternoon sun. This place was perfect. At the public beach near Seaddle, he had to deal with screaming foals, meatheads with bathing suits the size of napkins, and cranky old mares. Here it was just him, the sea, and his tacos.
Something about that bothered John; A little niggling thought, scratching away at the back of his mind. Why was this beach always so empty? Sure, he’d had to hike along a winding, barely-visible trail to get here- but it wasn’t off-limits or anything. You’d think he’d have seen somepony else here.
Not that he was complaining, of course.
John took a deep whiff of ocean air, then let it out. This was his sanctuary; a place where he could forget that he was trapped in a world where physical laws had been downgraded to “physical suggestions.” A place where he could forget that he was the local alien.
Don’t get him wrong; most of these locals- “ponies” they’d called themselves-were nice enough folk. They’d given him a small but comfortable home, as well as a decent job at the Seaddle aquarium. That and the local government had been generous to give him a monthly stipend- something about being an “endangered species” and all that.
That didn’t change the fact that he was an alien in this world. He could see it in the eyes of his co-workers and neighbors. They always tried to hide it, but their ridiculously oversized eyes always gave them away. a hint of anxiety, a small, almost unnoticeable twitch. One that said, “he is not one of us.”
Still craving soft-shelled deliciousness, John pulled the bag over and reached inside. That two-for-one deal of theirs was so good it was almost criminal. Just as his hand brushed against something warm and foil-wrapped, he stopped and looked out towards the water. Call him crazy, but he swore he saw something in the water; like a flash of something blue and metallic.
Shrugging, he fished out the little taco from its papery lair. Then he heard a loud splash. Again, he turned towards the ocean to see a small raft of bubbles not too far from shore.
What the heck? John shielded his eyes from the later afternoon sun. There was something was in the water, a sleek, serpentine shape, undulating through the briny surf. As it grew closer, he could make out something with a long muzzle, glittering scales, and a large, fluked tail…heading right towards him
John’s blood froze in his veins. He fell backward and started scuttling away as fast as he could.
Crap crap doubleplus crap!
Before he could get too far, the shape breached the surface in a spray of seaweed and foam, then slithered onto the beach with sheets of seawater trickling down its body.
Doubleplus crap tripleplus crap so much crap!
The creature, like most life on this bizarre little world, was a hodgepodge-a finned, horse-like head and torso grafted to a lean, snakelike body the length of a school bus, all covered in glittering blue scales. In the middle of its chest was a red, crystalline blister.
The horse/snake thing tilted its head down, scouring John with two surprisingly beautiful eyes. Caught in a deadlock between fight and flight, John’s body completely seized up. Maybe that was a good thing; Maybe this creature’s eyesight was dependent on movement; if he held still, it wouldn’t be able to see him.
Hey, it’d worked for Jeff Goldblum, hadn’t it?
For a moment, the creature was just lying there, studying him with two surprisingly beautiful eyes. Then, before John could react, it scooped him up in its forelegs, much too fast for a creature its size and lifted him up to its muzzle, nostrils flaring as it sniffed him. Some small, detached part of John’s mind noted how soft the creature’s skin was, not cold and slimy like a fish, but warm and soft, more like dolphin skin than anything else.
He was still screwed, but at least he was comfy.
The creature’s opened its large, yet strangely equine mouth, revealing a very intimidating collection of sharp, dagger-like teeth. John closed his eyes; he hoped it would be quick
“Hi!”
John’s eyes shot open. Was somepony else here?
That thought was quickly dashed from his mind. The creature was smiling at him. Even more bizarre, it wasn’t the cruel, satisfied smile of a predator relishing a successful hunt, but a friendly, “hi how ‘ya doing?” smile. The only thing that could have been less appropriate was…
“My name’s Sonata. Sonata Dusk,” the creature said with the same big, friendly smile on its face. “What’s your name, Mr. Monkey?”
That. That wasn’t the voice of a big scary sea monster. That was the voice of a young woman or a teenage girl. John’s brain started cranking out a hypothesis: was this some sort of mimicry. like a parrot imitating sounds but not really understanding them?
Well, parroting or not, he should say something.
“Uh...hi?” He said, freeing an arm and giving a trembling wave. “Please don’t eat me.”
“Eat you?” The fish-horse raised an eye ridge. “I don’t eat monkeys; I love monkeys!” The creature squealed in delight, pressing John against its surprisingly comfy chest. Two flexible antenna atop her head brushed against his body. “They’re so furry and cute and they make that funny ‘ ooh-ooh ah ah’ sounds all the time…” She stopped. “So, what's your name, Mr. Monkey?”
“Uh, John. My name’s John,” he said. This was, without a doubt, the most emotionally confusing event in his life.
“John. Jawwwn.” Sonata toyed with the word, running her tongue around her sharp teeth. “Can I call you Mr. Monkey instead? I like it a lot more!”
“Uh, sure…” John said, not willing to argue with a creature that could probably swallow him whole.
Sonata started turning him around in her forelegs. “Wait, where’s your fur?” She gasped. “Did someone steal your fur, Mr. Monkey?”
“Uh, no. Humans lost our fur a long time ago. Makes...makes it tougher for parasites.” John said, freaking out a little less. Talking to this creature wasn't like talking so a big scary sea monster.
It was more like he was talking to a bubbly, if somewhat naive, girl. Of course, it could just be playing with him, like a cat with a mouse. There was still a non-zero probability of that.
Now that he thought about it, he’d seen Sonata’s race before; an illustration in an Equestrian bestiary. What were they called again.
Oh yes, Sirens, that’s what they were called; equis hippocampus sapiens, one of ponykind’s many offshoots. From what he’d read, they weren’t an inherently dangerous or xenophobic race- most of the time -but they usually stayed away from major population centers, being big scary predators and all.
What was one doing here?
Gently, Sonata sat John down on her scaly belly. “So, what brings you to my beach, Mr. Monkey?”
“Your beach?” John said, holding out his hands. “Sorry, I didn’t know .”
“Oh, that’s okay. I like it when people come and visit my little beach.” Sonata’s ears drooped slightly. “I...don’t get many visitors….”
“Can’t imagine why.” John muttered to himself.
“So," Sonata said, her ears perking up again. "What ya' do here?"
“Oh, not much. Just swimming, laying down in the sun, relaxing...”
“Cool! That’s what I do all day long! ‘Course, my sisters and I still have to hunt, and look out for predators, and all that stuff, but otherwise that’s just what I do.”
“So, where ‘ya from, Mister Monkey? You just get here from the jungle?”
“No, I’m not from the jungle,” John said, “...or this world.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s...complicated. Let's just say that I didn’t come here on vacation. Came here about three years ago through some weird cosmic accident. I’ve been stuck here ever since.” He sighed.
“Oh. I’m..sorry.” Sonata said, dropping her “air-headed teenager” persona for a moment.
“It’s alright,” John said. “I’ve gotten used to it.
“Oh, excuse me.” Sonata set John down on the beach. “My tummy’s starting to dry out. Gotta get me all nice and wet.”
John refused to comment on that.
“Don’t go anywhere.” She said with a smile and charged into the pounding surf, splashing herself with foaming seawater. John’s eyes turned towards the trail. This is it. if he made a break for it while Sonata was distracted, he might be able to make it to his bike and pedal out of here before she noticed.
He took a step towards the trail...then stopped, turning his head back towards Sonata.
Then again, why should he? Sonata might have been a big scary sea monster, but so far she hadn’t actually tried to hurt him.
“Ahh…” Sonata purred in contentment “That really hit the spot.” She turned her head towards John. “Y’know, I could really go for a swim right now. Would you like to join me, Mr. Monkey?”
“Uh, yeah, I guewwaaaaagh!” Before he could finish, the siren hooked her forelegs under his arms and hoisted him onto her back, setting him down slightly above her dorsal fin. Corded muscles tensed beneath her deceptively smooth hide.
“Are you ready great let's go!” Sonata said and launched herself into the water
“Wheee!” She squealed as she cut through the waves, each one sending up a spray of foamy seawater into John’s face.
“WHAAAAAA!” John screamed, clinging to his new friend’s hide for dear life. So this was how he was going to go out; not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a girly, high-pitched scream.
“Hold on!” The gem on Sonata’s chest began to glow, and the pair was enveloped by a shimmering blue aura, followed by the electric tingling sensation John had come to associate with magic. Something tensed within the Siren’s body, and she flung herself into the air.
"Wheee!" She squealed as she swooped through the salty ocean air, a fugitive from the laws of aerodynamics. John’s clung to her back for dear life, squeezing her body as if he were trying to strangle her. She looped, rolled, twisted and dove through the air. Twisting, swooping, and weaving her body through the air like a living ribbon and generally telling gravity to suck it.
Finally, mercifully, Sonata touched down on the beach, making a perfect 10 point landing.
“Woo!” She bugled, throwing her forelegs in the air like she just didn’t care. “That was a blast!” She pried a shivering John off of her back. “Wasn’t that fun, Mr. Monkey?”
“Fun?” John said, grinding his teeth together. “FUN?!” He raised a hand, then stopped, his angry rant dying in his throat. “Actually...yeah…” he started laughing. “ Sure, he’d spent most of his time screaming his head off, but his little trip through the air had been exhilarating. Like being on a living, breathing roller coaster ride. Even better, he’d had a brush with death, and survived. He almost wished for a manticore to show up and attack, just so he could fight it with his bare hands!
His euphoria was interrupted by a low, rumbling growl.
“Whoops!” Sonata patted her stomach. “All the flying really worked up an appetite!” She lay down on the beach, looking John right in the eyes. “Hey, Mr. Monkey, you know where I can find some food?”
“Well... “ John suddenly remembered the bag by his towel. “I do have a leftover taco…”
“Tacos?!” The antennae on Sonata’s head perked up. The gem on her chest began to shimmer. “Did you say ‘tacos’?”
“Uh, yes?” What, was “taco” Sonata’s trigger word?”
“Oh, I love tacos! So munchy, crunchy and delicious…” A forked tongue lolled out of Sonata’s mouth, along with a steady stream of drool. Her fluked tail slapped against the sand. “Oh, can I have it? I’ll sing a song for you if you do!
“Uh…”
“Super pretty please! ” Sonata pleaded, giving the John the the biggest , cutest, puppydog eyes he’d ever seen in his life. By all natural laws, something that big and scary should not be that cute.
“Yeah, sure. Go ahead.” John said with a smile. Sea monster or not, he couldn’t say no to a face like that.
“Ohthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!” Sonata gushed and slithered over to the bag. Like a hyena on a zebra corpse, she ripped the greasy bag open, sending scraps of paper everywhere and popped the hapless taco into her mouth.
Apparently, Sirens weren’t big on table manners.
Mmmmm….” she moaned as she chewed, closing her eyes. “Sooo….delicious!”
She closed her mouth and swallowed, sending a small bulge of chewed-up taco sliding down her throat
“Mmm…” Sonata patted the tiny bulge in her stomach and licked her lips, before letting out a comical burp”. So...good…” She turned her attention back to John. “Well, a deal’s a deal.” Sonata cleared her throat with a sound like a garbage disposal screaming, closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths.
“Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi….” Sonata sung, warming up for her little performance. She took one more breath, then started to sing.
After that... rapture.
Sonata’s song was like nothing he’d ever heard on Earth. The closest thing he could compare it to was an opera sung by a whale, but that couldn’t begin to do it justice. It was uplifting, yet relaxing. Joyous, yet sober. It was life, beauty, love, peace, ice cream, kittens, puppies; everything that was good in the world compacted into one, single, song.
It was too much. John fell to his knees, tears streaming down his cheeks. He’d read that Sirens were known for their beautiful singing voices.They were wrong. This wasn’t beautiful. This was beyond anything he had ever heard before. Calling it beautiful was a hilarious understatement.
As John knelt on the sand, coarse grains digging into his skin, he felt...something flow out of him. In the corner of his eye, he saw what looked like a faint stream of red mist or vapor flowing out of his chest and into that gem on Sonata’s chest. Weird.
“Mr. Monkey?” Sonata waved a finned hoof in front of his face. “Are you okay?”
“I…” John said as his brain started to reboot. “I’m fine.” There was a flood of superlatives waiting in his throat: magnificent, angelic, rapturous, majestic, etc. All that came out was “I liked it.”
“I know. I felt some of your feelies soak into my gem!” She tapped the crystal on her chest. “Sorry, I probably should have told you about that.”
‘It’s All right.” John said, picking himself up. “I’ve...got plenty of emotions to spare.”
He noticed Equestria’s oversized sun kissing the horizon, surrounded by salmon-pink clouds. If he wanted to make it back home before dark, he needed to get going. Now.
“Sonata,” he sniffed, wiping a few more tears off his face. “It’s been really nice meeting you, but I really gotta get going…”
“The siren’s ears flattened against her skull. “Oh, okay.” She said in a voice that would make a statue weep. “I...It was really nice talking’ to you, too.”
“Well, goodbye.”
“...goodbye,” Sonata said. John turned around and took a step towards the path...only for something to seize him from behind.
“Oh please oh please oh PLEASE don’t go!” Sonata wailed, crushing John against her scaly chest. “Please, I-I-I’ll catch you dinner, I’ll give you gems, cuddles, snuggles, whatever, Please, I don’t want to be alone!
“What about your sisters and your pod?” John said, struggling to breathe.
“My sisters are nice and all, but they’re always out hunting or looking for treasure. We don’t get to talk very often. And our pod...our pod kicked us out a really long time ago.”
“Why?”
“We...did something really bad.” Sonata hung her head. “I...don’t wanna talk about it…”
Guess we’re more alike than we thought. “Sonata, look at me.” John placed a palm on the Siren’s cheek. “Sonata, you’re a nice girl and all, but I can’t stay here with you I can’t stay here. I’ve got a job. I’ve got responsibilities..”
Before the Siren could fall into another slump, John patted her head and smiled. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t come back.”
Sonata’s face lit up. “For realsies?!”
“For realsies.I won’t be able to come here every day; sometimes I have to work the night shift and all, but I promise I’ll be here as often as I can.
“Will you bring tacos?”
“Of course,” John smiled. “What’s a trip to the beach without tac-WHOA!”
“Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you!” She squealed, scooping up John in her forelegs and squeezing him against her chest. “I promise we’re going to have so much fun together!”
“Sonata...my….spine…” John wheezed.
“Oops! Sorry!” Sonata set him down on the sand,“Well, I gotta go, Mr. Monkey!” Can’t wait for our date!” With that, she tensed her body and splashed back into the water, quickly slipping beneath the waves.
John froze. Wait a minute…
“...And that’s how I met your mother.”
John leaned against his firstwife’s belly, cradling his son, Crescendo, on his lap.
The little hybrid giggled. “Mom used to call you Mister Monkey!”
“Yep,” Said Sonata, “and he still is my huggable widdle monkey!” She stretched her serpentine neck and gave John a gentle lick, which he repaid with a kiss on her muzzle. Off by the beach house, he could see Aria helping her daughter, Coda make a sandcastle, while Adagio swam near the coast, with her son, Allegro clinging to her back
It had been awhile since Sonata and he had had some time together; with her sisters and her on a world tour for the past few months, he’d been pretty lonely. Don’t get him wrong, he loved Crescendo and his siblings, but things just weren’t the same without his three wonderful, scaly wives.
Wives. As he’d learned when he first proposed to Sonata, Siren marriages were a “package deal”: marry one Siren, you get her siblings absolutely free. It had been tricky at first, especially with Adagio and her...difficult personality, but they’d managed to make it work.
“Ewww….”
John turned to see Crescendo grimacing. He couldn't help but chuckle; that boy might have Equestria's top biologists tearing the manes out, but once you looked past his blue skin and shark-like teeth, he was just another six-year-old, grossed out by the mere thought of kissing girls.
Some things never changed, no matter what parallel universe you were stuck in.
“So,” said Sonata, “You got any more questions?”
“Yeah,” Crescendo said,. “Where do pups come from?”
Silence fell. Very, very awkward silence. Sonata and John looked at each other for a moment, then turned back to Crescendo.
“We’ll...tell you when you’re older.” John said.
Author's Note
Because I'm a sucker for cute.
