There is always a price to pay in life. A cost to be accounted for each day. In life, you can buy peace or escape. He learned the escape lasted longer...
He walked up to his podium, a simple wooden structure of dark wood set alone amongst the infinate plain around him. Each hill had a lone tree atop it, their branches raking out towards the horizon in all directions. Some we're cherry blossoms, others apple blossoms, some wore autem leaves while others were in various stages of bloom. The bases of most hill's held firmly their own flower patches of such varied breeds as to make it impossible to encounter the same kind twice.
There was the soft hum, a gentle vibration of melancholy music whose origins were to never be discovered. The various sweet scents drifted around, none were overbearing and each gave the other space. out of some natural respect for the other. The trikle of several creeks could be heard, the coolness they lent the air forbade discomfort. The occasional crystal monolithic structure could be seen, a few surrounded the occasional tree. The sky was filled with numerous dark clouds, the soft rumble of thunder could make itself heard in the distance. The clouds darkened the already fading sunlight, allowing the bioluminescent flora and fuana to glow where ever they were.
The man himself was wearing baggy clothing, filled with small holes and mired with numerous stains. The bland T-shirt once had a witty quip written upon it, the faded shorts were comically too large, even to the point his belt didn't always work. His dark nearly black hair held traces of red, while combed back, the sides had already began to fray and curl. His somewhat uneven beard had also been combed and jutted out despite it's own desire to curl. His tanned skin covered his stocky build, retaining a generous amount of hair all over.
His eyes were rounded by faint dark circles, their green color shared space with a dark brown like an ocean worn sheet of copper with a hint of emerald being covered in root beer. The lone curly strand of hair on his forehead barely moved with each step he took. His mustache was trimmed at least, better kept than his teeth. While healthy, they were covered with plaque from carelessness. His gut hung there, a product of genetics and more carelessness, in diet and activity.
He reached the podium at last, where across from him on a floating platform rised well above his head, sat three Alicorn Princesses, each emitting a fantastic glow about them. They gazed down upon him, sober and neutral. Each ready for the inqusition they were to make of his very soul.
"You do know why you are here right?" The Celestia Alicorn asked.
"I do indeed." He replied, almost chipper.
"Very well then. Before we are to proceed..." Celestia looked to her constituents briefly. "We are going to ask our standard round of questions. We have some additional questions as well." Celestia concluded.
"Points of interest really, a matter of curiosity." Luna added.
He nodded, sparing a brief glance to the horizon where he could just barely spot a pink pony bouncing wildly about. He combated the urge to wander off and join her. Twilight followed his gaze, a look of sadness graced her face for only a moment, the briefest of moments possible. He hesitantly returned his gaze to them.
"I am an open book, granted, some of the pages are illegible, ripped out, stuck together or in another language." He nodded toward them to proceed.
After a moments hesitation, Celestia spoke first.
"This place is catered to you, for your pleasure. What do you find so, enjoyable about it?" She inquired, with a hint of hesitation.
"I am a born desert dweller, everything I've known seems like a wasteland to most. Rusted cars rotting away, ruined streets, unreliable power supplies. An unrelenting dry heat that seeks only to consume everything..." He raised his head to inhale the scent of rain from afar.
"Those clouds are life, without that precious water... Even the most deadly of storms were a pleasure to behold. Like that tornado that happened during a fierce rainstorm. Outside it looked like a hurricane as it passed not too far from home." He smiled.
"You like storms?" Celestia broke him from his gaze toward the cloudy sky.
"The sun is my sworn enemy I suppose... No offense." He added quickly with an apologetic smile to Celestia. "The orbital death cannon as I call it, burns and scorches. To be fair, I grew up in the desert. The endless inescapable heat, at least in winter you can warm yourself up. But how the hell do you escape the all consuming heat, when even the night air is hot?" He concluded.
"So you like storms because the sun?" Luna asked with a raised brow.
"Oh... I got off topic. Partially, yes. Clouds are mercy from the harsh sun, rain is life. Out where I lived, the endless wind blowing about is a mundane havoc we live with. A joke we have is that instead of using a windsock, we use a chain. One of those heavy steel ones. A sandstorm meant little more than inconvenience. Thunderstorms were gifts." He recalled.
"And the rest of it?" Celestia cocked her brow and leaned to one side.
"It was freedom from the endless plainness. I do suppose I also just had a certain attraction to them." He shrugged, his eyes diverting to a glowing bird as it glided.
"I don't have to ask why you chose a plain then, the fields of grass, the creeks and the trees. Familiar to the desert plains prairie grass, yet so full of life and moisture. Though why such a stark variety of species?" Luna questioned.
"I always had a thing for nature. All the places I would never go, all the thriving life I would never know. But I could always imagine, being far away." He thought back to the nature encyclopedias he would read as a child.
"And the glow?" Luna asked with a faint smile.
"I was fascinated with bioluminescence well before it was a fad. Seeing light from anything besides the sun was... interesting for lack of better words. Would make nights more interesting. Just like lightning does." He answered with only a little wracking of his brain.
"I noticed it's nearly night here. It's always dusk or dawn, then night." Luna mused aloud.
"Night has been special for me for a long time... I had quite the love affair with the moon for a long time. The vastness of the desert all lit up by the refracting sun. Cold and merciful for us burned by the sun." He lovingly recalled.
Luna gave a subtle cheeky look towards her sister.
"So you felt better at night?" Twilight spoke up, her face more rigid than the others.
"My days were... They couldn't end soon enough. The night was my peace as I grew into restlessness. Eventually I became rather nocturnal. Still am I suppose." He replied with far less joy than before, a slight frown forming his expression.
"Why is that?" Luna asked, cutting a look to Twilight he couldn't decipher.
"I had night terrors as a child, vivid dreams filled with horrors I couldn't possibly have understood then. I was very active then, and hating having to sleep for the terror and motionlessness. As I grew older..." He paused.
"Your parents couldn't help you?" Celestia probed.
"My father... He was born with a sadness. A curse I share." He hesitated greatly here.
"A sadness?" Luna leaned down as she inquired.
He wracked his brain, searching for the answers. This was one of those sticky pages, and a particularly difficult one to pry apart.
"An affliction of the very soul." He spoke up. "A consumption of one's entire being. A deep rooted state of being that without warning or provocation, would rise up to consume you whole." He exerted the words with much effort.
"It killed him. It clawed at him all his life. He took to drugs to escape it... He lost his health, and died." He stated very simply.
The three Alicorns looked at him, then each other.
"I was three. Long been over it. But I inherited that fucking disease." He gritted his teeth. "Born cursed."
"What do you mean by that?" Twilight very cautiously asked.
He rolled his head away from them as he choked back his anger, trying to keep it away from them.
"I was an old soul they say. Born with the curse. I was an unusual child, too decent for my own good. Acted like a miniature adult." He clenched his fist out of frustration.
"Tell us about your childhood, and this sadness." Celestia spoke up.
"I was alive long enough to watch my father turn into a different person. His escape turned him into a harsh man. Never got to know him honestly. Right after he died the terrors struck me. Visions of horror would greet me most if not all nights. Since I was a child, and very active, I had enough energy and joy in me to never really feel the adverse effects of the sadness." He took a deep breath and thought.
"It isn't all bad I suppose. Back then, I had the power of knowing. Even now it still works, just less prominently." He said with an avoidance of his judges gaze.
"Knowing?" Luna perked up at this.
"I had a lot of deja vu. I knew dates and names of things I couldn't possibly have known. Everyone acted like it was special, so I felt special. Who wouldn't? It's faded considerably since. For the best right? Would rather not see ghost and hear them. Not that I'm psychic, just... In tune with that stuff. I could always feel every ones emotions. To a certain point." He explained.
"What was that like?" Celestia asked.
"Horrible." He looked at their mostly blank faces. "Imagine being a child and knowing when you were being annoying. Knowing when people were tired of you, when you pissed them off, or when you disappointed them. All without them having to say a word. I learned to be shy and self conscious rather early." He scorned his memories.
"It must've made making friends hard." Twilight tried to deadpan, but her expression wore a clear frown.
"Heh... As a kid I didn't care about friends. I was too content to hide in my own little world. All too ready to read a book or build Legos. Play army guys all day." He gave a small smile to Twilight's knowing expression.
"I learned rather early that humans were garbage. Not as much as I know now, but I was starting to. Kids would fight each other for fun, all while the teachers placed bets on who'd win. Recess became a dull lull for me. I never lost a fight, not that I picked any. I only agreed to one really, with a sort of friend. All the class troublemakers seemed to like me." He gave a small smirk at some memories.
"I tried a few times to make peace with the other kids, the farmers avoided me mostly. The Hispanics used too much broken Spanish for me to understand. They were just eager to shun everyone who wasn't brown." He let out a pained sigh.
"I was a bright kid... Did my entire second grade math book during a boring lecture from my pompous teacher. While I didn't get a single answer wrong, I still got in trouble. Boring as it was, I took to messing around in class. Got me distracted plenty. The teacher seemed to single me out, had me move my desk next to his." He let a wave of anger pass over him.
"But it didn't make me feel special, made me feel removed from the class, and singled out. I only got worse grades after that. Never below average, just bad enough to keep me from the best scores I could've gotten. Even then I had a sly nature to me. I used bribes, I conned the other kids and manipulated people. I learned I had a knack for it. But, I didn't want to be that kind of person, not that I felt bad for it. I was even proud of it." He shrugged, still not contrite about his villainy.
The Princesses exchanged looks.
"What about home?" Luna questioned.
"Not having a dad wasn't bad. Not for me. I never really missed him until I got old enough to need a dad. Life lessons and all that. Pretty much my teen years, even then... I didn't feel like I needed anyone until my later teens." He looked down to the ground.
"When did you feel like you needed friends?" Twilight asked, her eyes softened, perhaps with pity.
"When I was young, I lost myself. Not all of me, but some of me vanished. There's a song, goes 'If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself. I would find a way.' For me that has two meanings. I would try to preserve that energy and drive I had as a child, keep that fire that once burned. But, I wouldn't want to replace who I have become, not entirely. I gained wisdom, insight and... other stuff. I would preserve some of the old me, and keep who I am." He tried to explain.
"A little confusing perhaps." He looked the Alicorns over. "It all started with my mother. She was a saint. A true martyr to be sure. She could've raised me alone. No trouble. Me and my sister. We grew up on an old farm, in a trailer, next to my grandparents. The many hours we spent roving the land and playing. It was a simple life, a good life. But my mother, she couldn't quite do it alone. Bills made it hard, as hard as she tried. We moved in with our grandparents while my great uncle moved in to our house." He showed visible resentment.
"He would go on to ruin the place. While my mother, eager to give us the best, gave into the pestering to provide us a father. Huge mistake. Guy she got was a lying cunt." He looked pissed, but his tone was passive.
"Your stepfather was... An issue." Celestia nodded.
"Understatement. His lying egomaniacal nature did me no favors. His family lived to shit on each other, real scum. They deserved all misery. He was just looking for daddy's approval and mommy's love. They just used him... Still, no excuse for him to be the biggest fucking knob job alive. Tore us down every chance he got. The years of abuse..." He let out a rather audible sigh.
The sympathetic eyes of the Princesses made him feel irritated.
"The bastard made me feel worthless. I do blame myself some. I felt the need to be a good child, honor thy father and mother. I did all I could, but it wasn't enough. Took years for the apathy to kick in, by then the sadness found a place to take root. I felt like an abject failure each day... wasn't long before I had to punish myself. Used steak knives to cut myself in places no one would notice. The soles of my feet in particular. Each step would remind me to be better. I was eight..." He looked up at them, ignoring their expressions.
"I suffered in silence for years. He would try to make it up to us with gifts, or so I thought. It was just tools for manipulation. He had to have the best himself. Each holiday and trip we took, would end the same. Overshadowed by his abuse and their fighting. So much fighting. My mother was no push over, hell, she was the one more violent. Always on his ass about everything he did to us. He got his back though, using emotional abuse when he couldn't get away with physical stuff. Hell even when he could." He grew listless and worn looking.
Luna gave a sad smile, knowing suffering.
"He only cared about his public image, needing approval from everyone else. He lied, schemed and made a general ass of himself daily. I learned to hate, to feel cold and empty. I started to realize the truth, not that I hadn't seen it all along. People are trash. Screwing each other over for such petty bullshit. I felt racial bias first hand, as far back as when I was on the playground. I was made separate from the others." He gave a pained expression.
"He blatantly hated them... It did kind of rub off, made easy by my own interactions. I still don't like them but, it's not as bad anymore. I know what it is, and I work past it. Some things are just harder than others." He paused, feeling some shame. "Hate begets hate. I don't think about, but sometimes... It bubbles up. To be discriminated because of something as silly as pigment." The pain in his face slowly eased.
"It's okay, at least you know those are prejudices. And you're tryi- tried to get past them." Twilight assured.
"Of all the things he taught me, one was good though, and bad too. He taught me love is just a word... Not that he was alone in breaking my trust in others, he was just the most prolific at it." He fought the urge to just walk away.
"Have you loved anyone?" Luna asked, her expression was as pained as the others.
"I don't think I've ever truly loved anyone. I'm not sure I can. Sometimes I think I could, but then..." He stared at them, but refused to actually look at them.
"The sadness took root in me. It was always there, but had no strength in the face of a hopeful future. Once there was no hope, it had full power over me. It would consume me without warning, without cause. So many painful nights, spent staring into the moon." He paused at the memory.
"The deadbeat couldn't keep a job very well, not for lack of trying, just... He was selfish and prone to stupidity. Had us move all over that shithole town. I fucking hate trailers. This one shitheap we lived in, had no insulation, heater only half worked, cooler too. Summers were life threatening, had the heat blisters on my skin to prove it." He shook his head.
"My room there had this window... massive thing. I could see the moon perfectly each night. When I wasn't outside. It was around this time the apathy was getting me. The sadness would hold me down for days. I spent too many sleepless nights walking the yard, a full acre of dirt. He would drag the yard, get rid of any weeds, the fucking chores he made a trial out of. He could just kill your desire to live each morning by talking... The dirt... When it was done being tilled up, it was a soft layer of powder. The many hours I spent barefoot walking through it. Like I used to as a child." He cleared his throat.
"Out there... the ground is polluted with thorns. As a kid, I didn't wear shoes much, so I would just ignore them most of the time. Learned where they grew and walked around them. Felt nice to do that again. Chase tarantulas and lizards, piss off the ants. Be one with nature just like my old man would've wanted." He let go of some tension.
The Princesses quietly watched him.
"I wanted to kill myself each night. Or just die from something. I no longer wanted punishment, and I didn't want to kill him. I really did... It's just... He wasn't worth calling a man." He looked at the brief confusion on their faces. "Manslaughter charges... Kind of a joke. Still, I could've killed him a million times over, I even wanted too. Yet, he kept on living, never knowing each breath was a gift from my self control." He felt a wicked smile grace his lips before fading.
"The hate and anger, always being stifled down, just left me feeling empty and broken. I wanted it to be over. But I knew that was just weakness talking. I wouldn't waste my life, not for the likes of him. Didn't make the pain of living any easier... I needed something to pour into. That is when I searched for friends. I couldn't stand to be alone anymore." He said with a finality.
Celestia nodded in agreement, knowing the void of being alone in a room full ponies.
"I almost wanted love... but there was no trust for such an idea. Friends though... I know I was being a dick... Using them like I had been used. Just, trying to end the emptiness. It was all for me, selfishly seeking a soul to pour my pain into. I didn't bully anyone, that would've made me like him." He looked away from the Princesses.
"We all need somepony… Just like they need us." Twilight tried to comfort.
"We all just use each other, it's just nature. I know it's mutual, and not bad... not like that. But I felt like it was the bad using. There were times it was. I used them to stop feeling empty, not really caring about most of them. Some though, I did. When they were all gone, I felt it. One of them... I trusted him. More than any other. But... My curse. I would lapse into misery and just rant for hours. Falling into some poetic prose, I would go on for hours." He sighed, feeling his chest tighten.
"There it is, even now... The grip like a literal vise around my heart, dragging me down into the darkness. To become a shell of my former self, to be twisted and contorted like some rag doll. A mere plaything is all I am. Given to dread most deep and discouraging. The misery and pain were manifold and multiform, as the hues of a rainbow ever stretching across my horizon. How is it I could compare such a beautiful promise to the disease of my soul? In the layers of spectral light there is symblence to the layers of pain, fear and emptiness. It is simplicity of all that I feel as I slowly creep into nothingness, yearning for an infinite hour. Yearning but for what?! I craved for years, nay, decades. Everything so far out of my reach, like grasping for the heavens but not nearly so bright a horizon. Just what for? To what end did my heart beat?" He paused and looked at the Alicorns before him.
"He put up with it... For hours like that." He quietly spoke.
"How'd you meet?" Twilight asked, hoping to shift the conversation.
"A forum. About a topic." He grew shy.
"I was at my wits end one day... then I saw it. The show that would change me. Another evolution turning me into a better person, so I hoped. It led me to a people, a people who would do things that relit a fire in me. I felt alive for the first time in ages. I finally felt... So much. The bastard finally left, I had new friends and lived somewhere I could be at peace. So I thought." He fought tears.
"Life is endless trials and suffering. If it were not, we wouldn't think it worth living. The struggle makes us grow, makes us better. Or it should. But the odds are stacked against some of us. Justice with a blade used to offer salvation to the oppressed, but in modern times, it's not so easy to kill the oppressor. I fell on hard times and lost contact with them. When things got better... they were gone. All but him." He let out a sobbing sigh.
"He was still there... but. The sadness comes, like the seasons. Each summer made worse by my years of suffering. He drifted away... Then I asked a stupid question. I asked... Why?" He let out a laugh as he wiped his eyes. "Why did he even bother with me? The answer... Well. I pleaded with him, to do me one simple favor." He paused, regaining composure despite the pain in his chest.
"What did you ask him?" Luna cautiously inquired.
"To do what I couldn't... Delete me." He tried to deadpan, but the look in his eyes was clear.
They didn't need to know the rest.
"What happened then?" Celestia asked.
"It hurt, but I felt relief. With no one left to lose, I felt free, even if it was bittersweet. I let the sadness take me, like so many times before. There is no fighting it." He looked forward, relaxing just a little.
"I learned to use it, poured it into art... Stories I'd write. The prose had it's charms, could even make me feel good. To let it all out and flow. Not that I ever actually did much. I wasted too much of my life. Such a waste, still. I was doing better." He searched around for anything to look at.
The soft rumble of thunder gave him comfort. The eternal vista around him was peaceful beyond compare.
"What's it like? The sadness I mean, I know you explained it. But, I would like to hear more." The three of them asked.
"It's like having your breath stolen while your heart is squeezed. You feel the urge for something, but there is nothing you can find or do to get rid of it. An endless yearning you can't solve. The walls hold your empty gaze for endless hours. Every sad thought breaks you down into tears, hate becomes emptiness and joy is bittersweet. You just want it to rain, to breath it in. To let it out so you can feel nothing. You end up very tired, feeling ancient and worn away. Once you're used to it, you get breaks. But it always creeps back. You just want to escape into a dream, into a diversion from your pain." He calmly stated, as if he was removed from it.
"You escape, how?" Luna and Celestia asked, almost like they needed to know.
"The Danger of Diversion, they warned me, saying this will destroy you. Life is a currency, and what you buy with it matters. I paid a dear price trying to buy peace, but I since learned the distractions lasted longer. I spent a great portion of my life on them. Escaping into fantasies each more fantastic than the last. Perhaps it was my creativity, and my great need. Maybe it was access to the vast world of other peoples worlds... Both most likely. But I would rather dream in my bed than live a real life. That is the danger..." He breathed loudly.
"The danger of diversions." Twilight echoed as he nodded.
"Just like my father before me, driven by the curse. We wasted ourselves buying distractions. Hard lives make for poor currency. Was only a matter of time before we went broke. As they say... The brightest flames burn the fastest. The happiest people are often the saddest. The nicest are often the most lonely. The most loving are damaged... It's not a law, but it is true often enough. I have a stern looking natural disposition, an annoying trait really. People always think I'm mad." He wiped a few fresh tears from his face.
"The greatest joy I've ever felt, is making others happy. Hearing them laugh is... Such joy." He fought the tears. "Makes my life worth while... God it's pathetic..." He cried. "Needing to be validated... If only I had enough purpose in my life, I wouldn't need it." He struggled to regain his calm, looking into the horizon.
Twilight thought of Pinkie, that song she would sing. She felt herself shedding tears, but...
"That's not pathetic. That's one of the most beautiful things you could do with yourself." Celestia scolded.
"Tis a noble goal." Luna agreed.
"I know... But I need it. To make them smile, laugh and cry. To make others feel, Because it's hard for me... I wore a mask so long... I needed to feel, and move those feelings around. Share them with other souls, because my own was so lost and faded. I have nothing for myself, all my great dreams and ambitions are wasted on a spent life. I needed to use what I had left to do something..." He collapsed on the podium weeping.
"I vowed to never despair, and I hadn't since then. Not that it sounds like it... But I never felt all was lost. I just let emptiness take hold, and pass. I knew I could endure it, given all I endured before." He thought about his vow, slowly growing calm. "I fought on, to achieve what I could with what little I had left. I gave life to feelings that I could share. I filled myself up with sunshine and joy, doing for others. I made new friends I hoped." He rose up wiping his increasingly raw face, sniffling.
"So why... Why did you kill yourself then?!" Twilight shouted through her tears.
He paused, he trembled at the sight of her crying. He didn't mind helping people cry, if only to let out their feelings. But, this was suffering. He hated it.
"At the time, it seemed the most practical thing to do." He deadpanned.
The look he got from the Alicorns was uncomfortable to say the least.
"My father told my mother... He wouldn't live past thirty five. He died aged thirty five. The curse told him, and he listened. He spent too much of his life on diversions. As did I. I knew I wasn't long for the world. I accepted the death of everyone and everything when I was young. I didn't do it out of despair. I didn't do it because of fate. I did it because it was time to end the story. It was time to move on. I hoped for an afterlife, and decided to move on." He flatly spoke, trying not to dwell on it.
"But how could you?" Twilight sobbed. "You left them behind!"
"I told my sister not to be sad, that I'd in paradise with dad. I apologized to my mother... It wasn't an easy choice, but the story had to end, and there was only ever going to be one ending. My story isn't a happy one. It was built on the sorrows of all my ancestors. It's alright. It's over now. Time to move on to the next one..." He fought with the words, and the pains in his heart.
"It's not like anyone needed me anyway. My so called friends came and went without so much as saying goodbye. I had no great goal left I could truly fulfil. The anxious hours I would spend terrified of life, the thing I had spent so long avoiding. Might as well scrap the project right?" He attempted to compose himself more.
He didn't want to relive the agony all over again. It was hard enough the first time. He stepped back from the podium.
"So that's it then... Just to end the story?" Luna was both sad and angry.
"I had given all I had. Had I more to give, I would've gone on. But I spent a lot on the diversions, the dangerous and dastardly. I ran out of currency, and couldn't buy another day. Maybe I'll get another shot, get recycled. I know I haven't earned this place yet... Maybe next time." He looked around.
Not sure if he would get a chance to reincarnate, or if it was even possible. Maybe he would be cast down and forced to serve some greater purpose. All he knew was, he didn't deserve this. He had wasted too much of his life down there being a useless depressed mess.
The Princesses looked to each other. They got their answers, all but one.
"Now what?" Celestia asked him.
"I don't know. I have a blank canvas before me, and no purpose. I don't belong in paradise, not for long anyhow. I haven't earned it. Not enough tokens for the ride." He lightly joked.
"And yet, here you are. Maybe you did earn this, ever think of that?" Celestia gestured to her surroundings.
"But what do I do? I have so much life unlived. I achieved so little... This is the end, the absolute end?" He looked to them for some answer.
"Maybe your story really isn't over?" Twilight said, wiping tears from her eyes.
The smile she cut, made him smile.
Now a message from the author:
Imagine whatever happens next yourself, make whatever ending brings you the most peace. Just know, the danger of diversions is real. Know that the pain is real. Know that the end is coming. Know, how much it means to be alive. No matter how much it hurts, it's just part of the process that renders people remarkable creatures. No matter how twisted and evil we can be... We are amazing. Pain and joy are just parts of our lives. We need to live, and life demands a price.
Author's Note
And you'll carry that weight with you.
