Beards, Ale, and So Many Insults

by Timeless Lord Slayer

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Comedy, Profanity, Violence, Princess Celestia, Main 6
Length: 1588

Dwarves have finally come to the land of ponies.

Twilight was not ready for this day. Nopony was. Who could be? When a veritable tide of Dwarves invades Equestria, it's up to her and her friends to try and figure out why they're here.

But you don't reason with a drunk Dwarf.

Much less thousands of them.

Published 2019-07-18 07:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-18 07:50:01 UTC

They Stink, Too (Edited)

Twilight was enjoying a nice, quiet day in the castle library, reading a book she loved, as she was wont to do when she had free time. She sighed in content as she flipped another page, eyes roving over the words. She sighed in content again.

"Ah... This is the best..." She breathed before taking a sip of her tea. She could faintly hear birds chirping and singing their songs from the open window. That, coupled with the gentle breeze from outside brought her further peace and bliss. "Nothing beats a bit of quiet reading in the afternoon..." The mare reasoned, resting a hoof on her cheek as she set her tea cup down, a dreamy, faraway look in her magenta eyes as she let the whimsies of the book before her whisk her mind away to another world.

She always did enjoy a good science fiction book.

A telltale burp suddenly sounded out from down the hall, the acoustics of the castle allowing her to actually hear it, her ears twitching in the direction of the noise. With a small sigh and smile, Twilight closed her book and looked up before calling out, "Letter from the Princesses, Spike?" Another burp. Twilight blinked. "Two letters? That's unusual." Two more burps. "What the heck?" Twilight stood up, walking over to the ajar door as dozens more burps sounded out, each one louder and deeper than the last. "Spike, are you alri-" Twilight opened the door fully and got a face full of noxious, acidic breath as somepony burped right in her face.

Naturally, being the reserved pony she was, Twilight gagged and fell back on her plot.

She waved a hoof over her face, gagging a few more times as raucous laughter echoed throughout the hall and the room. Twilight growled. "That was NOT-!" She looked up and stopped short, eyes wide. There, in front of her, she saw a strange, short, hairy and bearded...human? She gagged again. Well, almost retched, really. The stench of alcohol was rather overpowering, and ponies were quite the lightweights.

Twilight glanced around and saw more of the strange humans. Dozens more. "What the buck...?"

"Buck? Izzat sum kinda joke?" one of the creatures, a red haired one, asked, before they all let out belly laughs. "Looks like we're goin' ta hafta teach tha strange horse how ta swear, lads!"

Twilight couldn't comprehend what was happening, and did even less when the creatures all grinned as the red haired one spoke again.

"READY?! GO!" with that utterance, the Castle of Friendship was filled with more expletives than Twilight had ever heard or wanted to hear in her life.

Spike simply watched from the sidelines, eyes blank as he swayed to and fro. "Hehe, *hiccup*, I feel funny..."

He then face-planted.

"Princess!" Twilight appeared in the throne room of Canterlot Castle in a burst of teleportation magic, Spike on her back and giggling in his sleep. "I need help, fast!"

"Twilight? What happened?" Celestia immediately got off her throne at her former student's appearance, her sister sitting on her own throne and watching on worriedly. She noticed Spike. "By the Gods, what happened to Spike?!"

Twilight gulped, then said, "We're being invaded."

Celestia and Luna's eyes widened, and the guards in the room stiffened at this news. Celestia looked to her sister, an unspoken agreement being made between them before they both looked to Twilight.

"Explain," they both said plainly.

Celestia and Luna couldn't believe their ears, staring at Twilight in shock. Even the guards stared at the youngest princess in disbelief.

"...So we are being invaded..." Celestia began.

"...By short, inebriated humans?" Luna finished.

Twilight nodded. "They stink, too. And have a lot of hair." She shuddered. "And not in a good way."

Everypony else present shuddered as well.

Luna looked to Spike with a frown. "And you say they let Young Spike taste of the drink as well?"

Twilight looked to her baby brother as well, a deep frown on her own features. "Yeah." She stroked his cheek with her hoof, the young dragon pressing against her touch and giggling again before muttering something about Rarity. "I barely managed to get out of Ponyville before they tried to get me drunk too."

The Royal Sisters shared another look with each other, their features hardening. They turned back to Twilight.

"We'll-"

"YOUR MAJESTIES!" A guard cried as he barged into the throne room. "CANTERLOT IS UNDER ATTACK! WE'RE BEING OVERRUN!"

"WHAT?!?!" Celestia and Luna shouted, shooting to their hooves.

Twilight paled, shivering and shuddering like a leaf. "Not again, not again not again..." She hugged herself in fear.

They were many. They were legion.

The short and stout creatures encompassed the entire outer wall of Canterlot and then some, with more than a few starting to march into the city. Well, march was an exaggeration. It was more akin to a disorderly, stumbling sprint of many hairy individuals.

"WHERE'S THE GROG?!" one shouted into the face of a noble.

Said noble scowled, lighting up their horn. "How dare you, creature! I am Lord Crow-!" A bottle collided with the nobles head, knocking him out instantly. A dwarf across the street, along with his compatriots, cheered.

"Tha's how ye toss a bottle o' whiskey, boyos!" he said proudly, hands on his hips and chest puffed out. He swayed a bit on his feet, but managed to stay upright.

Clearly an achievement. He had had five kegs worth.

Celestia, Luna, and their guards watched all this from the gate to the castle, flabbergasted. The two sisters had their mouths agape, not sure if what they were seeing was truly true or not.

One of the guards, a captain, sighed. "That's about how we reacted as well." He looked back to the city and the chaos it was consumed by. "They've been targeting bars, mostly." He pointed to one of said establishments below with a hoof, the building burning brightly in the afternoon sun. "We think they're looking for more drinks, but with how our bars, taverns, and inns have been treated, I think it's safe to say they don't like our cider."

"YE CALL THIS SODDIN' BEER?!?" a roar echoed from the nearby street. Celestia, Luna, and the captain winced as they then saw a pony get tossed bodily out of the window of a bar.

Luna looked to the captain. "And they came from Ponyville?"

He nodded. "From what we can tell, yes."

Luna frowned, looking back to the city. Suddenly, a double-bladed axe embedded itself into the wood of the castle gate. The ponies looked down, seeing a number of the dwarfs just in front of the gate.

"Oi! Git down 'ere and give us somefin' ta drink!" a dwarf without a shirt ordered. He raised another axe. "Or tha next one goes roight 'tween yer pretty eyes!"

Luna's face blossomed into a blush. "P-Pretty?"

"Sister!" Celestia chided sharply.

"Oh, Sistah," one dwarf mocked, making a cliche melodramatic pose. "Me eyes be so sparkleh an' big tha' me 'ead almos' weighs more 'n me ass!"

The dwarves all laughed.

The ponies ground their teeth in anger. Luna forgot her embarrassment enough to do so as well, thankfully.

“Yer guards be so week, if’n they were alcohol, an Elf could drink 'em and stay standin’!” another dwarf crowed.

Again, they laughed.

“Ha ha ha ha!” The shirtless dwarf lowered his axe, holding his extended belly as he laughed. Grinning, he took a mighty breath, and began to belt out more insults than the ponies thought they’d ever hear. “Ye limp-wristed, soggy-headed, faint-hearted, crud-bearded, sod-crusted, crag-faced, coal-smeared, blind-eyed, small-headed, deaf-eared, crack-kettled, pansy-waisted, blunt-nosed, orc-looking, gnome-smelling, shiver-metal’d, high-falutin’, hammer-droppin’, milk-swillin’, cack-smellin’, water-carryin’, elf-chasin’, haggis-gulpin’, wine-lovin’, broke-legged, hump-bustin’, hand-wringin’, dirt-chewin’, brainless, gutless, goldless, forgeless, axeless, brewless, pipeless, shoeless, can’t-read-a-map-ta-save-me-life, SHORTBEARDS!”

Silence. Total silence.

For five minutes, at that. A new record for the dwarves, likely. Especially when drunk.

Then, they all laughed. Hard. The whole city seemed to shake with their laughter, and a good few fell over and started to roll around or pound the ground.

“BUCK ALL OF YOU TO TARTARUS AND BACK!!!” Celestia roared in the Royal Canter- Ahem - Royal Capslock Voice. Her mane and tail both lit aflame, and just as the shirtless dwarf let out a, “Wot?” Her horn lit in the same, fiery golden glow, and suddenly the sun glowed brighter than it had in millennia.

In an instant, all the dwarves turned to ash.

Silence reigned once more, all ponies present staring at the scene as Celestia, the ruler famed for her mask of stone and calm, panted like a bloodthirsty beast.

Luna slowly looked to the captain, and whispered in a hushed tone, “I believe this is as good a time as any to try our mind-wiping spells en-masse.”

The captain nodded slowly. “Agreed.”

Author's Note

I am both sorry for the blatant racism...

...And not sorry for how fun it was to write the dwarven dialogue. Hopefully you all enjoyed this, though. I don't typically do one-shots, so, let me know how I did, and what I can do better. I tried my best with this one, went through at least three versions and edited it a good few times, sooo...yeah, hopefully it's at least presentable.

Oh, and just so you all know, ANY mispells with the dwarven dialogue is supposed to be like that.

Hopefully it's at least kinda good?

Thanks for reading, anyway.

-Timeless Lord Slayer