You Dumb Nation Destroying , Pony Envying, War Starting, Deal Making, Cake Consuming Inadequits!
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You Dumb Nation Destroying , Pony Envying, War Starting, Deal Making, Cake Consuming Inadequits!
Author's Note
Don't ask, please don't ask.
I don't know what compelled me in this. Just...don't...ask...
*sobs*
You Dumb Nation Destroying , Pony Envying, War Starting, Deal Making, Cake Consuming Inadequits!
"Shiiiiniiiiiing!" An angelic and innocent voice rang from the other room.
Oh no Shining thought, I swear if she wakes me up to tell me she loves me I'm going to go to prison for spousal abuse. After another second of thought he realized She'd probably kick my flank though.
Shining rose from his bed and stumbled to the sound of his wife calling. He found her in the kitchen cooking...something. She wasn't honestly that good cooking. If you thought it was pancakes then it was probably waffles.
"Oh Shining! How coincidental that you should come in here at this very moment."
Shining looked at his wife questionably" um...you called me. Remember?"
"Oh?" She looked Shining confused "Oh. Oh yes that. That was...um...me practicing. Yes! Practicing! I don't want to not be able to call one of these days for the lack of trying."
Shining put a hoof on his head and groaned "As much as I know my wife would actually say that, It just doesn't sound right coming from you Chrysalis." Realizing she was caught, the Changeling Queen revealed herself. Shining merely grunted and sat down at the table. Motioning to the pan that was still simmering, Chrysalis understood and brought the food to him, a little confounded.
"Why are you not freaking out? Or calling the guards? Or something?" Chrysalis asked as Shining began eating. "I did almost ruin your wedding and almost destroy the city in the process."
The Captain swallowed a bite and asked, "Are you hurting my wife physically or mentally?" Chrysalis shook her head "Do you have a plan that goes past the point of me figuring out who you are?" After a second of thought Chrysalis shook her head again in shame "Then I have nothing to worry about." He stood up and began heading out the door. Before he could get to the door Chrysalis stopped him first. Before she could ask he made the matter clear.
"Since I was born I have been dealing with every single problem this world could throw at me. I was misplaced at the hospital three days after I was born. I ended up in the Psyche ward once because I looked identical to a crazy pony. The fact that you showed up today is only telling me this is one of the days that reality and unnatural powers join forces to torment me. If I let it get to me to quickly I won't make it through the day. Please don't take it as an insult. I can't deal with an invasion today."
And with that, Shining left.
Shining didn't get three hoof steps away from the door when a letter appeared before him. His first thought was to discard but he knew that any stupid mistake like that could possibly get Equestria destroyed. He opened the letter and read it.
Dear Shining Armor
It is us, Princess Luna, Monarch of the Moon, and we have great news for thee. After we were brought back from the moon a second time, thanks to you of course, we realized something. Why was Celestia able to banish us to the moon in the first place. I didn't know it was possible until that first time she did it. So after some experiementation I figured out how to banish Celestia to the sun.
Your Princess
Luna.
Shining lowered the letter and rubbed the temples of his forehead. The day had only just started and he was already missing two princesses. He straightened up and went to get a carriage.
Arriving at Canterlot Castle, Shining wasted no time rushing in. Ready to berate Luna for her idiocy he was shocked by the sight before him. There on the floor of the Royal Court were both Princesses talking and discussing politics.
"Uh...Luna?" Shining urged.
Looking, the princess was surprised to see the Captain of Guard, "Shining? For what reason have thou come?"
"have 'you' come." Celestia corrected not looking away from her papers.
"You sent me a letter saying you could banish Celestia to the moon. I thought that..."
Luna Suddenly laughed, not an evil laugh, but a genuine normal everyday pony laugh, "Oh Shining. That is all we said."
"That is all 'I' said." Celestia corrected again without looking away from her papers.
"I never said that I did banish her or that I was planning to."
Shining put a hoof to his forehead and tried to breathe only to feel like he was pushing exhaust through an engine, which caused him to wonder what an engine was, which brought about the conclusion that he probably found out from Discord, which only confused him more of the entire situation that he decided to wipe this entire inner monologue from his brain.
"So, let me get this straight. You sent a letter to me only to let me know that you could banish Celestia to the moon, but not because you had, just because you could?"
Luna blushed slightly, "Well..."
Celestia spoke up once more, "I convinced her to send the letter. I thought it might be in our best interests to see where you stand on the nations wellbeing. After the fiasco with Banning-Luna-Because-She-Ate-The-Last-Bite Incident, I needed to make sure you had this nations best interests in heart."
Shining's draw hung loosely, "What!? You're upset I fixed a problem with the monarchy!?" Celestia nodded, "Okay, you know what? I don't care. Do whatever you want, I need to go make sure an insect didn't wreck my kitchen." and with Shining began charging his horn once more. Before he could however, a wall exploded inward. That poor wall sure goes through a lot. From the now large hole that existed Trixie and Twilight stood upon Discord's back, all three of them cackling madly.
Twilight spoke first, "Behold, the Great and Powerful Trixie, with Twilight the Terrible by her side have learned of thy weakness Princess! Truly you have fallen from my expectations of a ruler!"
Discord disappeared from under them...and that was it. The two unicorns landed safely on the floor and the Lord of Chaos was just gone...for whatever reason. Shining chose not to question it, and questioned his sister instead.
"What may I ask is this terrible weakness you've found Twi?"
With a smile Trixie pulled a large spoon from her cape and bowl of ice-cream cake from her hat, "We have acquired the last slice of cake in the world. We shall eat it in front of Princess Celestia!"
Celestia jumped up in utter terror, "No! Please don't! I still have bills to pay, and daddy said no eating while you work!"
Trixie took a spoonful and ate it. Celestia started screaming, tears forming in her eyes. With that, the door burst open and from it Ember the Dragon Lord looked inside with a confused look on her face.
"Hey, some of us are wondering why the shrieks of the damned just released themselves from in here."
A vein on Shinings head popped out, "What are you doing here!?"
"Spike invited me." she raised her eyebrows, "if you know what I mean." With that said, Shining turned around to see Celestia reciting Hamlets Silique.
"To eat, or not to eat. Aye, that is the question."
Shining only shook his head and mumbled, "This day couldn't possibly go worse."
Then the ground shook. Pinkie Pie fell through the ceiling and landed on all fours. She was wearing a full body black suit for some reason. She pointed out the window, "The Crystal Empire just blew up." and went over to help eat the last bits of ice-cream with Twilight and Trixie.
Jinxed it he thought to himself. Shining looked around at the ruckus. Celestia was sobbing and clutching her body in a fetal position, Luna was banging her head on the throne, Ember was kissing Spike in the other room, somehow loudly, and Shining was barely catching a glimpse out of the hole in the wall of a Discord Fluttershy wreaking havoc on Ponyville.
"Hey!!" He shouted. Everyone held still. "I give up! Okay!? I give up! I'm through with you guys! I'm done. Destroy Equestria for all I care! Throw Pizza, marry orphans, kick cupholders! I. Don't. Care!" and with that Shining popped out of existence.
"Alright everyone, good job, good job! Put everything, clean the set and go home! I'll see you all next week!"
"Hey Trevor."
"Oh, hey there Shining. You did a good job today. Ratings should be up within the next few minutes."
"Thank you. I can't wait for the episode where I return."
"Oh...yeah. I forgot to mention. Shining doesn't come back to life. Sorry."
"NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M OUT!" and with, he popped out of existence.
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP, RICE CRISPIES!
