Mending Madness: A Field Study
“MAKE ROOM! MAKE ROOM!” The front gates to the Courtroom had burst open, alarming all the nobles and guards, the latter ponies assuming defensive postures. But, to everyone’s relief and slight annoyance, it was simply the Element of Loyalty causing such a disturbance. “Outta the way Snobs! Urgent Element emergency here!” As impatient and brash as ever, it seems...
“Rainbow, please!” The fabulous Element is Generosity called, leading the other Elements into the chambers. “Such brutish behavior is not permitted in front of her highness, even in an emergency!”
“Is so! The green monkey’s literally insane right now!” Rainbow retorted, abit rather childishly.
“The ‘Green Monkey’ has a name, ya know.” Applejack reminded, following in behind Rarity. “An’ Rarity’s right, ain’t no sense in stirrin’ a stampede. Jus’ land yer butt down ‘ere an’ help us!”
“LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, SKITTLES-PANTS!”
Now what in Equestria!?
“GET OVER HERE AND SMELL MY MEAT, OR I’LL MAKE LASANIA OUT OF YOUR SHOWER CURTAINS AND FEED THEM TO MY OPTOMETRIST!!!”
.....
The once sane human resident, Anonymous, rambled out in nonsensical hysteria. The green man was bound by thick rope, carefully restrained by tying his wrists and ankles together in a comical yet effective hog-tie. He was being paraded on a little red wagon as well, likely to save them the struggle of actually carrying him.
“HEHEHEHEHEEE! AAAAAHAHAHA! I CAN HEAR WITH MY TEETH! AHAHA-Gmk! Mmhm!”
The loon was effectively silenced with a cupcake into his mouth, provided by the Element of Laughter, Pinkie Pie. “Boy, Nonny was right!” Pinkie yelled out with concern. “We really would drive him bonkers one day!”
“Um... Excuse me, Elements?” Now all heads were at the Princess, the very definition of regality and perfection in this colorful little world, standing up from her throne... And currently very, very confused. “What in... What in Equestria happened to the human?”
“Oh! Ooh! I know this one!” Pinkie shouted eagerly with a flailing hoof in the air...
.....
“No, wait, I got no clue what happened...” A half-lidded silence filled the room.
Princess Celestia seemed quite puzzled herself, stepping down from her throne and making her way to the group. All she needed was a glance at Anonymous, the savagery in his eyes screamed the senselessness of a madman. “By Starswirl’s Breard...” She had a notable pity in her voice. “I didn’t actually think Anonymous’s words would come true.” And the running joke continues, fillies and gents...
“Yeah, but that ain’t the worst of it.” Applejack mumbled under her breath.
“Why do you say that, Applejack?” The Princess asked. “Is this... Not the only problem with him?”
Applejack shifted her eyes away. “N-no... Well, yes, but it ain’t that...”
“Oh wait, is it Twilight!?” Pinkie asked, then like the ADHD child she was she turned to the Princess without awaiting an answer. “Yeah, Nonny’s crazy is apparently contagious! Princess Twilight’s got a light case of loco too!”
“Pinkie, no!” Rarity scolded. “Dear Anonymous isn’t contagious, it’s...”
“Just Egg-head being Egg-head.” Rainbow dropped down, cutting Rarity off. “Gets kinda crazy when there’s something she can’t solve... And twitchy.”
Rarity nodded along in approval. “Yes, quite ‘twitchy’ indeed.”
“(Ahh, right...)” Celestia rolled her eyes. Such a gifted and smart filly she was but... Quite a control-freak at times. “So my student is absent, currently?”
“And working Spike to the bone, unfortunately.” Rarity answered. “Poor dear looked utterly exhausted by the time I arrived, tending to Twilight and her mountains of books...”
“And it was sooooo... BEAUTIFUL!” The five Elements just collectively groaned. “THE SANITY WAS A COBWEB OF SHAME AND DESPAIR LOCKED AWAY BY THE SPIDER OF SANITY! BUT NOW SHE’S FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE TO DANCE AND SING AND cryyy and weep and TICKLE HER FUNNY BONE TO DEATH!!!”
Applejack shook her head. “Good gravy, jus’ doesn’t have on off-button.” She then stuffed an apple into his mouth rather than a cupcake. “Outta keep ‘im quiet-like.”
Rarity paused briefly, wondering where the red fruit had come from. “... Anywho, continuing with our dear Princess of Magic.” Rarity proposed, all eyes shifting to her. “She’s been... Let’s say ‘busy’ with finding a possible cure for our tall friend here. In the mean time, we thought it would be a very pressing and crutial matter to tell you and your sister about this mess while she looked deeper into the matter.”
Rainbow hovered beside her and whispered. “Egg-head doesn’t know we’re here though, figured she’s better off not knowing right now.”
The Princess nodded, then cleared her throat rather loudly to gain the nobles collective ‘finally she’s done!’ glances. “Due to unforeseen circumstances, Day Court is officially closed until further notice!” And those gases of impatience quickly turned to irritation as a wave of groans and complaints echoed back. “No argument, no negotiations! Please leave the castle grounds until the issue at hoof is resolved! Those who refuse will be escorted out by the guards!” The noble ponies made their way for the exit as ordered, most of them quite upset or aggravated but nopony was foolish enough to stay and face the guard. Being tossed out of the castle would certainly sully their public image...
The castle doors were closed by the guards-ponies nearest to them and secured with magical locks, the less interruptions the better. “Now, as for Anonymous...” She looked deep and hard into his crazed eyes, her horn glowing faintly with a golden aura... “He’s... Quite resistant to common magic.” She grunted, feeling a light strain build up in her forehead.
.......
“Nh... No use.” Her magical aura faded after several passing seconds of zero results. “Even my own abilities are limited by his magical immunity...” Yes, and they were all aware of it. Anonymous has a special resistance to the magic impued within both the land of Equestria and the living things that guide it. Unicorn spells had no effect on him, salves and potions were extremely numbed effect-wise, and he was even resistant to the destructive force of Dragon Fire if she remembered Twilight’s report correctly. Quite an amazing power he has, though it can also be an annoyance... Like right now, for example. “I’m sorry my little ponies, but even I cannot heal his mind.”
Gasps and fearful eyes all around. “So... N-Nonny’s gonna have to be put down?” Pinkie asked, hair slightly less poofy than normal.
“I-... No! No, of course not!” The Princess assured. “Where did you ever get that idea?”
“From Fluttershy.”
Wait, what now!?
“She said that he might have rabies!” Pinkie exclaimed. “He was even frothing from the mouth when we got there, scared her to death too!”
“Pinkie dear, that was because Anon tried eating a frog at Fluttershy’s house after Rainbow lost sight of him.” Rarity corrected, then looked back at the wagon. “Isn’t that right, Fluttershy!?” The fearful Pegasus peeked out from behind the red wagon and nodded. “See? Just a defense mechanism of some kind from one of her pets... And a neglectful eye or two.” She sneered that last part.
“Hm... Does bring up a point though.” Applejack continued for her. “Can’t keep ‘em ‘round ponies with his head screwed on crooked, might hurt someone if he’s left alone, or ‘imself for that matter!”
“Yeah... Big guy tends to bite, too.” Rainbow added, nursing her left ear. “Got me in the ear earlier today, and he nearly ate Applejack’s hat too... Pretty funny seeing him get tied after, though.”
“Yeah, don’t remind me, Dash...” Applejack grumbled. “So what in tarnation do we do wit’ ‘im, Princess?”
Well, sounds like their day has been quite an adventure... Celestia briefly thought about keeping him in a Mental Asylum but... No, she wouldn’t give up that easily. Thousands of years of experience with her subjects, both mentally fit and irreparably broken, has taught her many things about the mind. What Anonymous has isn’t natural, insanity isn’t something you develope or catch without magical interference or... Heaven forbid, psychological torture.
But even then, it doesn’t just spring forth like a common cold! It takes time, years of physical and mental damage for it to develop the way it has with poor Anonymous! For it to suddenly spring forth with such intensity...
Unless...
“No... No, no, that shouldn’t be...” Celestia mumbled. “But...”
“Princess?” It was the voice of Rarity that brought her back from her thoughts. “Perhaps... You have a solution?”
“I... No, I do not.” Her head fell. “But... I believe I know someone who can help.”
.....
“Well!? Out with it, woman!” That voice... “It’s not like we have all season, and I’m not waiting for Season Eight just to hear you say my glorious name!” Such a disrespect for royalty and fourth wall barriers could only belong to one being...
Celestia just... Slouched. “By my sun...” This somewhat pained her and it was as clear as day with how low her head hung. “If we are to understand insanity, then we need... The help of the insane.”
“And the insane is only willing to assist when you use his prrroper title!” The disembodied voice responded, with the roll of it’s nonexistent tongue.
Celestia let out a very long and tired sigh. “We need the help of... Super... Ultra Mega... Alpha Omega Hyper...” Her eyes spoke ‘I really really hate my life right now’ a thousand times over. “Bigger... Longer, and Uncut God of Chaos...” A moment to inhale... And she sighed his name. “Discord.”
.......
“You forgot-“
“I will turn you back to stone Discord, so help me Faust!” Celestia threatened, causing the many-titled king of ‘Annoying Celestia’ go poof into existence. “For the love of me... Finally.”
“Salutations once again, Elements of Boringness!” He tipped a hat to them, and by hat I mean his entire head. “Discord is the name, and-...” He now noticed the entire scene in front of him, mainly the ‘Anon being bound and gagged in a wagon’ scene. “Oh my word, is it Annoy Anonymous Day already!?” He exclaimed in joy. “And here I am without my cattle-prod...” He flipped his head up, which spun in the air as it flew and plopped right back onto his neck. “Ah well, guess I’ll make due without the-“
”Discord.” Celestia growled. “You aren’t here to annoy Anonymous.”
“Really?” He gave her the look of an innocent child being questioned by their mother. “Am Iiii... Here to annoy you?” In response, an apple soared from the background and nailed him right in the head, causing the god to burst into tiny bowling-pin versions of himself and collapsed on the floor with the distinctive crash we all know...
Well, all except one that is, which was still somehow standing despite the landing. “Too bad~!” Celestia could be seen with a light smirk as she knocked down the last pin with her front hoof, a loud buzzer sounded marking a perfect Strike. “Ohh sweet, sweet Celestia.” He kuu’d in faux heart-ache, still in pin form lying with his other parts. “You of all people should know that cheating won’t-”
“The chaos... THE CHAOS!” Anonymous was ungagged again and raving nonsense, cutting off Discord by the sheer volume of his voice. “Emerald... AN EMERALD! GOOD GOD SOMEONE GIVE ME AN EMERALD! I NEED TO CONTROL THE CHAOS! SAVE MYSELF FROM A BAD FANBASE! SAVE MYSELF FROM THE AGONY OF A FORCED REVIVAL BY MEDIOCER PLOT TWIST! SAVE MYSELF... FROM THE EEEDGE!!!”
Bowling-Pin Discord did a double-take, then announced in astonishment. “Oh my god you ponies actually made him lose it!”
“I know, right!?” Pinkie once again proudly exclaimed.
Intrigued, Discord literally pulled himself together and floated to the human. “I assume this... Mess is what I’m here for?” He used his bear arm to conk Anon on the head a few times... With a pursed lip the great God of Chaos forced open Anon’s mouth to lengths it wasn’t physically designed to go, then took a good hard look inside. “’Impressed whistle’... Now that’s a lot of damage.” He let go of Anon’s jaws, causing them to snap shut. “Well, since Flex-Seal doesn’t exist here, I’ll need to take a closer look to assess the damage... Discord style.” With the snap of his fingers the great God was wearing a greasy repairman get-up, complete with a red hat that said ‘Make Equestria Great Again’ on the front and a set of blue overalls.
This filled Applejack with an unsourced rage, the sight offended her greatly yet she had no idea why. The other ponies just looked at him with confusion in their eyes, except for Celestia who face-hoofed fairly hard at his escapade. “Discord, please be serious for once... Please?” Celestia begged in a tired tone.
Then Discord smiled, and all of the princesses hopes were squashed. He had a set of fake rotten teeth and gums in his mouth that made him look even more stupid than the outfit already made him out to be. “Let’s take a look under the hood!” He announced with a horribly dim, redneck tone. Banjo music started playing with no known source, and with the slap of hand on knee he turned and popped Anon’s head open like a car hood. “Shouldn’t take long!” The back of his overalls had a... Was that a fake human butt-crack stitched below his tail?... Oh lord, the dreaded repairman’s canyon.
’pfft!’
And now Rarity was offended, while Rainbow and Pinkie snickered at the crude sound.
“Thorry.” Discord apologized, scratching the fake cheek and fanning the area.
The crack may have been fake but that scent... Ho boy, that was very real, and it made all the pony noses curl in disgust of the offensive gas that he apparently unleashed. “Welp, there’s ya problem!” He finally announced. “Oh, wait... There’er a lotta problems in ‘ere... Good thing I gots mah tools!”
“MY MIND IS BEING MOLESTED!” Anon yelled, facial muscles twitching as various noises started to come from his head, noises you’d expect to hear at a car-shop or a dentist office. “GAH! OHH GOD, DON’T TOUCH MY COMB!”
There was a loud pop, followed by smoke coming out of the open cranium. Anonymous looked borderline dead. “Whoops, blew a fuse...” Discord gave Anon a can. “Hold mah beer, goin’ in deeper.”
“THAT’S MY PURSE, I DON’T KNOW YOU!”
With that, the god of Chaos crawled deeper into his head. “Gah... Just gotta... Uh!? N-no!” An elephant call could be heard, making the ponies eyes widen in astonishment. “Back you-!... N-No! Back!” Then the elephant trunk could be seen, spraying a black liquid that you’d assume to be oil. Discord’s vigorous Leg-Language signaled ‘somebody help me for the love of Hasbro!’ yet not a pony dared move an inch. With nopony helping him he was slowly dragged inside, his voice growing more muffled as he went deeper and deeper until...
’Ka-Clunk!’
Anon’s head clamped shut, leaving him to just... Stare off into space.
.....
“A-Anon?” Applejack broke the silence with a voice of concern. “A-are ya... Okay?”
“My mind is foreverrr...” He groaned out in a very low tone. After that, he just remained silent. Maybe blinking once or twice in a dead stare... Until his chest started to contort, making him grunt in pain. “C-SECTION!!!”
’riiip!’
Anon’s chest had burst open with blood and broken ribs frying through the air. Discord’s head had burst from his chest and screeched loudly, sending the others into a hysteria of screams and, for one specific little butter-pegasus caught in the splash of blood, a numbed control of blatter.
”DISCORD!!!”
Celestia’s bellowing canterlot voice overpowered all others, silencing them with it’s powerful volume. “Now is not the time for games!”
“Aww... You’re just no fun, are you?” He slithered the rest of his way out from Anon’s chest, his offensive get-up gone. “Well... Jokes and screaming aside, that is one sick puppy.” Anon’s clothes and the large, bloody hole in his chest were instantly mended with the snap of a claw. However, after experiencing that he’d never feel the same...
For a good while, at least. Not like Anon’s really there, after all. Fluttershy on the other hand would have nightmares for weeks.
“Complete chaos in that brain of his, and that’s coming from the god of chaos!” He pondered a bit... “Though if you ask me, it can’t be natural insanity. In fact it looked as if something just crawled in his head and started throwing everything every which-way.”
“So it’s just as I thought...” The Princess looked down in contempt. “Did you find anything unusual in his head?” Discord gave her a puzzled look. “I mean, anything that sticks out from the already unusual.”
“Oh. Well certainly, Princess!” He chirped. “For starters, the appearance of magic inside his noggin is a big oddity among oddities.” That certainly got her attention. “Then there’s the poor boy’s memories, most of them are just scattered everywhere without any care. Really screwed with his grip on reality.”
“RIPLEY’S YOUR BABY-DADDY! NOT ME, NOT ME!”
Discord pointed a thumb at him. “See? Complete nonsense caused by his memories being scattered, forcing his subconscious to shut-down and run on auto-pilot... Almost like a dream, if you will!”
“I NEED A POWERFUL WOMEN! RIGHT NOW!!!”
“Oh, quiet you!” Discord yelled, summoning a cork to plug his mouth. “And people think I’m infuriatingly annoying...”
The Princess pondered, muzzle scrunched as she... May have come-up with an idea. “So Anonymous is... Trapped inside his own head? In a sort of infinite memory loop?”
Discord rolled his wrist with a look of uncertainty. “Well... I suppose you could call it that. Anonymous is indeed trapped inside his own head but not in the way you would think.” He stroked his beard in thought. “Or... No, no that’s not the right words I’m looking for...”
“Is this... ‘Imprisonment’ anything like a dream-scape?” Celestia asked, breaking him out of his train of thought. “If so, then we may be able to fix him.”
More pondering from Discord, likely the longest he’s ever gone being on an actual level of seriousness rather than his whimsical, slightly crazed and morbid old self! Hell, even Celestia noticed his astonishing focus!... It somewhat scared her, to be quite honest. “In it’s most simplest form, Celestia...” His voice held a surprising air of intellect to it. “A dream is simply a cluster of random thoughts generated by the mind, often stringed together into a movie of sorts.” Discord grabbed one of his horns and-
’conk!’
Off came the top of his head, allowing his fully-functioning brain to fly out into his other hand. Discord’s actual brain was... Purple... With cyan and yellow polka-dots lining the cerebral cortex. “Just one second now...” He screwed his head back on and shoved his paw hand into the lumpy tissue. “Now where are you you little... Ah-ha!” He pulled out a small black box connected to his brain by what looked like a fleshy cable of some kind. “Inside this black box is a function of my, shall we say, thought process.”
’Eat Peanut-butter!’
A feminine voice announced from the strange box, which triggered the mad god to summon a jar of Peanut-Butter. “You see, the mind is a very complex and intricate thing...”
’Throw jar at the fun police!’
He then completely ignored the eating ritual and threw the jar at the Princess, hitting her barrel with a soft thud. Celestia didn’t look very pleased... “It controls the way we move, the way we act, the way we think! It’s aaall controlled by a big chunk of flesh.”
’Plot against the foolish pony mortals!’
“What now!?” Applejack took a defensive stance. “Yer conspiring again!?”
“Oh, silly little Element, I’m always conspiring against you!” He pinched her cheek a condescending manner. “You see, the brain can be separated into two halves.” The fleshy lump of color-vomit levitated to one hand. “The central half, which dictates our thoughts and movements...” Then he raised the black box in his other hand. “Then there’s our lesser known half, otherwise known as the emotional half.” The brain hits the palace floor with a disgusting splat, he guides their attention back to the box. “You see, this black cube is what generates my passive thoughts, random ideas that go through my head while I’m not actually thinking.”
’Hide snake in Celestia’s pillow-case!’
They all seemed a tad confused... “You see, the mind is always moving, always thinking! It generates these thoughts passively to keep the brain from shutting off completely when there’s nothing important going on... Like the purpose of Junk Mail, for example!” They... Kinda understood?
’Cause economical collapse using jelly-beans!’
“Keep in mind that passive thoughts aren’t commands, just meaningless ideas. I don’t have to listen to them, in fact a lot of times they go through your mind completely unheard!”
’Remember the Alamo!’
“See? I don’t even know what ‘The Alamo’ is!” He slithered through the air toward the Elements, dragging his brain and box with him. “Now, I’ve got a question for you curious ponies...” He showed them his brain. “Given everything I’ve taught you regarding dreams and thinking and whatnot, why in Equestria is our dear little human acting the way he is?”
.....
Shifting eyes, hooves rubbing their heads, Rainbow Dash snoring rather loudly... Discord looked at the reader with an unimpressed, half-lidded stare. “I blame the educational system.” He mumbled to you, hand blocking his mouth from the ponies so they wouldn’t see or hear. After that, a bull-horn materialized into existence. ”Dreams! Passive Thoughts! Anon’s Subconscious out of order! He yelled, suddenly gaining their attention and waking Rainbow from her nap. He tossed the megaphone aside and continued. “Mash it all together, darn it! It’s as obvious as Celly’s Crows Feet!”
“Excuse me!?” Celestia yelled back.
“Answer or shut-up!” He snapped back, causing her to recoil. “Think fillies, think! Anon’s mind is off, but his body is still moving and acting out!” He was really getting into this whole ‘Frustrated Teacher’ bit. “When the central brain switches off, theeen...?”
A lengthy silence follows... Until a southern twang spoke. “Anon’s... Passive Thoughts take over?” Applejack guessed, earning a gasp from Discord. “An’... In a weird way...” Discord nodded, prodding her on. “He’s... Dreaming?”
“Yes indeed, Applejack! Gold Star for you!” A gold little star sticker materialized on Applejack’s nose. “Take notes, little pony mortals. With Anon’s central brain out of order, his passive mind has taken the wheel. Thus, in a sort of stretched and very loose definition, he is indeed dreaming... Just while his body is wide awake and acting on those dreams.” Discord suddenly raised a curious brow. “Hmm... Speaking of which, our little loon has been awful quiet.” They all turned to see an empty red wagon and... A rope-bound Fluttershy with a cork in her mouth. “Oh... Well that would explain it.”
.....
“Split up and find the human, I’ll alert the guard and lock this castle down immediately.” The four elements collectively nodded, running off in separate directions to locate the human. “Discord, unbind the Element of Kindness and don’t do anything stupid.”
He rolled his eyes and cut her loose with a talon. “No promises about the last part.” He waved her goodbye and promptly vanished.
Celestia sighed and teleported away, leaving Fluttershy to guard the courtroom and look down at her bloodstained hooves... She may need a bit of tinkering as well after that traumatizing event.
Author's Note
Only more plot to come amigos, and laugh while you can cause it gets more serious once the story really kicks off.
Read on and stay crazy!
