Should I Stay Or Should I Go

by Lamplighter

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2736

Twilight Sparkle looks out over Sea and ruminates on death.

Twilight Sparkle was born with what some might call an unquenchable curiosity. Always she has had a driving need to know the answers to everything in the world around her. Why do the birds sing, what makes the sun rise... What happens to us when we die.

Featured? That can't be right.

Written for The Writeoff
Coverart By Zaid ValRoa
Storyart By Chinchillax
The first standalone story I've done on FiMFiction, any help or criticism is appreciated.

Published 2018-06-26 03:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-06-26 03:50:07 UTC

If I Go

Twilight Sparkle stood on the grassy edge of a cliff and looked out over the ocean. A ceaseless fall wind blew in from the water, caused she knew by the difference in pressure and temperature between land and sea. Twilight closed her eyes and breathed the salt air in deep through her nose. She knew how and why the wind blew, but didn't let it stand in the way of enjoying the pristine beauty of the moment.

It was just the beginning of fall. The land having shed much of its summer heat, but yet reluctant to take on the autumnal chill that would herald the world’s inevitable progression towards winter. The sky was moody, with great swaths of cloud like soft mountains stretching out over the horizon. Despite this, the day held none of the normal oppressive gloom of being overcast. The late afternoon sun veiled by clouds, created a silver luminescence, giving the day an almost surreal, dreamlike feel.

Letting out the breath she had been holding in with a contented sigh, Twilight looked out over the ocean, taking in the ardent beauty that bounded all about her and considered jumping off the cliff.

This wasn't the first time Twilight had contemplated this. Well not this exactly; not standing before the ocean deciding whether or not to jump. It simply wasn't the first time she had considered ending her life.

Twilight was neither sad nor confused. She wasn't depressed or unsure of her place in the world. And she most certainly wasn't under the intoxicating effects of some form of mind altering substance. She was perfectly sane, rational and in her right mind. What Twilight Sparkle was, was curious. Such a simple little word, curious. Curiosity: to wonder about the world around you. To look at something and ask "How does that work" or "Why does it work like that".

Twilight's mind worked in circles, spiraling out endlessly. One thought chasing another, connecting to still others, on and on forever. And always spinning. She felt like she was a young foal, caught in the middle of a great maelstrom of her own thoughts. No matter how she tried to work a way out of them, she always found herself back in the middle of the storm.

Letting out another sigh much less contented than the last, Twilight sat on her haunches, and leaned out over the edge of the cliff, gazing down at the ocean waves crashing against its rocky surface below.

When she was a young Filly, she would always ask "Why". It was the first word her parents said she ever spoke. Why. This was soon followed later in her childhood by who, where, what and when. Funny, had she ever contemplated on why almost all questioning words start with the letter W? She was sure she must have at some point, she was amazed she hadn't formed some sort of speech impediment over the course of her formative years from the endless repetition of the sound.

This selfsame inquisitive nature was both the joy and torment of her parents. Twilight was inquisitive about everything. It was all good fun for them when her questions were "why's the sky blue?" or "Why does the sun rise in the east?" Questions that were simple and had definitive answers. When the questions started becoming harder, when her parents had discovered the true depth of their young daughters brilliant mind, only then did they begin to worry. By the time Twilight was four years old, she was asking questions like "Why do we have a home and beds to sleep in, and that old stallion on the street has nothing?"

Her mother and father soon realized they couldn't simply placate their daughter with the half truths that parents usually give children in answer to difficult questions. There was nothing more frustrating to Twilight in her childhood then hearing them say that they simply had no answer for a given question she asked. As years passed, she thus turned more of her attention away from foals her own age, and more towards books, and more importantly the answers that she found in their pages.

Everything changed for Twilight when she took her test to enter Princess Celestia's School for gifted Unicorns, and in so doing, had became Celestia's personal pupil. For the first time in her life, every question had an answer.

The Princess never seemed put off by the questions her young charge asked of her. Never disconcerted, she would think on what had been asked, perhaps taking a sip of tea, then she would give an answer. Sometimes the answers seemed strange to Twilight at first, only for the meaning behind them to become clear when observed with some distance. Sometimes the answers were questions that the Princess would ask of Twilight in return, provoking her to find truth from within. And much of the time, in getting her question answered, Twilight was left with ten more questions in it's place. But at least they were answers, firm and sound with no uncertainty.

Princess Celestia taught Twilight to always view the world with a sense of suspended disbelief. To look at any fact as if it could be true, but not believe in it to the exclusion of all other things. A fact was only true until it was disproved.

This method had served Twilight well all her life, barring a few embarrassing incidents from her early years living in Ponyville, she had stuck true to this ideal for many years. Using it to discern fact from opinion.

Sitting here now with the waves and the wind and the breathtaking beauty, Twilight thought about circles and questions and princess Celestia. her mind traveled back to when she was nine years old.

It was night, and she was in Celestia's study, a fire in the hearth and a warm wing laid comfortingly over her. It had been a long day. Twilight's maternal grandmother, the only grandparent she had ever known, had passed away the day before. Today had been the funeral, she was still clothed in her small black dress and bow.

The death had not come as a surprise; her grandmother's health had been declining for months, and the family had been gathered to say their final farewells before the old mare had slipped away.

Twilight had already learned the answer of why her grandmother was dying. She had learned all about the deterioration of cells as they reproduced. How the body slowly became a copy of a copy of a copy as the years progressed. She had read books about the effects of time on the body and mind. All of these things she'd learned. It was only during the viewing portion of the funeral that a new question had entered Twilight's mind.

What happens to us after we die.

She stood with her parents and big brother and looked into the coffin at the body of her beloved grandmother. She had died, and the thing that had made her her, was gone. The amazing miracle of death had transformed this wonderful loving mare, into an object.

It was no longer her, it was her body. A thing she had left behind. So where had she gone?

Twilight had looked at her family, to the tears at the edges of her mother's eyes, and decided that now was not a good time to ask this question of them. She wasn't sure she would get any kind of answer anyway. So she waited, her mind spinning round and round.

After the events of the day had transpired, Twilight asked to go and speak with her mentor. She was only a little surprised to find that Celestia had already set this time aside should Twilight wish to come and speak with her.

She was greeted at the door by the softly smiling Princess, ready with an embrace and warm words. Twilight had sat with Celestia for some time, simply enjoying the warmth and reassurance of her presence before she asked the question burning in her all day.

What happens when we die.

Celestia looked down at Twilight. Even seated side by side as they were, the Princess still towered over her. She looked at Twilight and this is what she said.

“My little Pony, I know no more of the secrets of what comes after this life than you do.” Even years later, Twilight still remembered the feel of disappointment at hearing this. To know that even Celestia, Princess of all of Equestria, didn’t have the answer to this question. Celestia put a hoof under Twilight’s chin and lifted it so she could look her in the eyes. “Long ago, I was born. I have lived for many years, and one day, I too shall die. All things that begin; end.” She gave that reassuring smile that always made Twilight feel safe. “I don’t know what happens when we die. Others have claimed to have this knowledge over the ages I have lived, I can not say if any were true. The only thing I can tell you is what I believe.” She pulled Twilight in closer, nuzzling her lightly. “That’s all anyone can really do in the end.”

They had spent much of that and many evenings to come talking about the mysteries of life and death. Celestia told Twilight that there were other worlds than this, many and more worlds that spanned outward forever. She believed that in this never ending vastness, there had to be a place that we all went to after death. She said that energy never really died, it just moved to somewhere else. So she too believed that the part of Ponies that made them who they were was also still out there, somewhere.

This answer had left Twilight with more questions. Where do we go, how do we get there and are we still the same beings there as we were when we departed. These and many more. Thoughts always spinning round and round. She hated not knowing.

Coming back to the here and now, Twilight’s gaze moved from the waves below her up and out to the horizon. Meeting Pinkie Pie had been very good for her, Twilight thought, a smile flashing across her face. She was a living reminder that some things just couldn’t be explained.

Spending years living with her friends in Ponyville, the highs and lows of her life both before and after becoming a Princess, had Indelibly tempered Twilight’s constant yearning to know everything with a sense of acceptance. Acceptance for the things in the world that she had no power over, for questions that she couldn’t find answers to. Would that make it courage, or simply complacency she wondered.

In either case, over time this had let Twilight not so much let go of her ineffable questions, as to not let them rule her life. She could go for weeks or months without giving them a second thought.

Until she stood by herself on a cliff’s edge, looking out over the endless ocean one cloudy afternoon. She had been here, enjoying the view and the gentle sea breeze, when her mind had done what it was want to do in times of quiet. It started to spin.

Twilight knew that there was only one true and irrefutable way to discover for herself the full and complete answer to certain questions, and that was to experience them for herself. Much like the time she had wanted to know what it was like to make love. She blushed even now, not so much at the lovemaking itself, as the disastrous spectacle she had made of herself in the lead up to it. Luckily, the subject of her overthetop attempts at being “provocative” was kind enough not to poke too much fun at her expense, once he had understood what the hay she was getting at.

The blush fading from her cheeks Twilight brushed away the warm memories of her erstwhile lover. She looked out again over the cliff’s edge, only to notice that the late afternoon had moved inexorably towards evening while she stood there, lost in memories and contemplations.

She sat down once more, fully this time, crossing her front legs, and setting her chin down upon her hooves. This was not the first time Twilight had considered ending her life. She could never really talk to anyone about this. It would be too difficult to explain. Too easy for them to misconstrued her words for a wish to do herself harm out of sadness or pain. Or worse, they might think she had simply gone off the deep end. Even when she was young, she knew enough to keep this particular curiosity to herself.

Would it hurt to die? Not the damage to her body that would be the precursor of her death, but the actual act of dying itself. Would her soul or spirit leaving her body be able to feel anything at all with no body to perceive the world around her. Would she even be able think with no mind for thoughts to pass through. round and round her thoughts went. Twilight closed her eyes, taking slow and even breaths, she let the sounds of the sea and sky wash over her. Somewhere in the offing, a seagull’s cry sounded, shrill and insistent.

Light suddenly penetrated the backs of Twilight’s eyelids, and a warm glow covered her. She opened her eyes to see that the sun had passed below the farmost edge of the clouds on the western horizon, casting a glorious sunset over the surrounding countryside.

Had she fallen asleep, was she sleeping now? Twilight rose to her hooves stretched her still svelte body in a motion much like a cat would, and looked out once again over the sea. The once softly glowing greys and silvers had been succeeded with an effulgent cascade of gold. Looking at the sun, she wondered if Celestia could see her now.

“Twilight.” A familiar young male voice called out. She looked over her back to see Spike walking up the path that ran a ways back from the edge of the cliff. Following close behind him was what Twilight could confidently state to be -objectively speaking of course- the most beautiful little filly in the whole world.

After her brief albeit passionate love affair, she had found herself in a situation many a Mare had before her. Twilight had always wondered what it would be like to be a mother, so there was only really one way to find out. A smile spread across the fillies face as she saw her mother come into view. She ran from Spike’s side towards her mother who turned to greet the filly with a warm hug and a soft smile.

Spike came up a moment later. “So this is where you spent all afternoon” he said, looking at the setting sun.” We should be getting back, the others are due to arrive any time now.”

“Sorry Spike, I got lost in thought out here, it’s really a very lovely spot for a vacation. We should have done this months ago.” she said while pulling her child up onto her back for the walk back down the hill.

“What were you thinking about?” Spike asked, following behind Twilight as she moved toward the path.

“Nothing in particular, you know me Spike. I’m always just thinking.” She looked back at the setting sun, slowly moving down below the vanishing point. “Perhaps I was thinking about a trip I’m gonna take one day is all”.

“Not now though right mama? We’re already on a trip.” the little filly spoke matter-of-factly from her back.

Twilight smiled at her. “Yeah, I’ll take that trip some other time.” she turned, planting a soft kiss on her child’s forehead, before rubbing her nose on her daughter’s, causing the young foal to giggle. “I’m in no hurry.”

Author's Note

Thanks to everyone on The Writeoff for all their helpful and constructive criticism. I took a lot of what was said to heart, but decided against a complete rewrite of this story. I hate trying to redo something I've done before, and would much rather take what I've learned on to new projects...

That or I'm just too lazy to bother, one or the other.