Critique of the School Play

by Anarkolt

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Sad, Princess Luna, Drama, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3718

A Gonzo-esque story from the point of view of a reviewer at a play about the banishment of Nightmare Moon

A reviewer tells the story of when he watched a play at his school about the banishment of Nightmare Moon. The play starts out pretty bad and derails in a way that he certainly wasn’t expecting.

The story is told in the style of a play review that inserts excerpts of the script in for context. Since I haven’t seen this style of storytelling before, I don’t really have a reference that I can base it off of, so there’s a lot of room to mess up. Please comment and don’t be afraid to leave any constructive criticism.

Published 2018-06-26 19:10:08 UTC
Last updated 2018-06-26 19:10:08 UTC

The Review

Author's Note

Update July 15, 2018: Fixed a few grammatical issues and some poor wording. I also changed the ending and added a fake author’s note at the bottom to make it feel a little more real

The Review

Preface:

Hello there fellow theater enthusiasts. I am Mary Sue, President of the International Play Critics’ Society (formerly known as the Equestrian Play Critics’ Society). This is one of many books that will be published by our organization in order to both legitimize the field of play journalism and spread theater to literary ponies. This series of stories will range from partially to entirely fictional, but all primarily utilize the prose of play criticism. Each is also inter-spliced with lines of a play, usually a previously non-existent one for legal reasons. Like any other book, there are active and verbal elements, but each is treated as though they are from different mediums. If it helps, think of it as though the narrator is evaluating rather than just describing the actions of the characters.

This particular story is the inspiration and pioneer of this style and the predecessor to what will be our hopeful magnum opus, but please do not let that diminish the impact or quality of this work. It was initially written while the author, Pen Ship, was in further school [a school for ponies who are old enough to have their cutie marks but whose cutie marks are too vague to make a career decision on], but we did not make the decision to publish it until he was in his senior year at the Manehattan Art Academy. So while the much anticipated collaboration between famed critic Nit Pick and veteran playwright Plot Twist is in the works, please enjoy the piece that inspired it.

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The Review:

Trotwood Daily
School Play Review
Like Day and Night
Draft 3

Before I even trotted one hoof into the auditorium, I already knew the general quality of the play itself. To say it’s cliché to do a play about Nightmare Moon’s banishment is in itself a cliché. It was fine when Moonrise first did it, but each new retelling, remake, fictional prequel or sequel, or adaptation gradually got worse and worse. While Moonrise dared to show the sympathetic flaws of both princesses, every other version paints Celestia as this glowing, perfect, amazing mare and Luna as some bratty child or vain pubescent going through the “you don’t understand” phase. Recent versions are at least balanced, but they paint both characters as perfect and usually make the banishment a “misunderstanding”. Of course, the main reason for this sharp drop in quality was that Celestia expressed a certain, and often misinterpreted, criticism of Moonrise saying that she felt her portrayal was a little more pessimistic than how she really was back then.

However, that minor and honestly kind of legitimate criticism made every playwright scared out of their wits, mostly by the overzealous media who’s quick to shout heresy at the drop of a hat. So if playwrights wrote about the incident, they couldn’t say anything meaner than that her mane was messy. It became so ingrained with writers that they continued doing it long after anypony even cared. When Luna returned, they just gave her the same treatment, because now it was almost tradition.

But even in that mess, the play does not have a lot to make it stand out and already has more elements to fill one with dread rather than hope. It has a male love interest, because when lazy playwrights can’t think of a logical reason for their characters to do what they do, they just resort to the “love blinded her” motivation, which was already getting old before Luna was even banished. Still, I can hope that there could be something, anything, to make me feel like I got something out of it. I know that’s usually not an option at school plays like these, but I know that the talent behind our theater department is of at least a noticeable degree above average.

I should really get back on track though. Let’s get into the opening. It starts with the moon being lowered on stage, which is little more than a hollow moon-shaped prop with a lantern inside. They couldn’t even cast a hue adjustment spell on the flame, so it’s an orange moon, which would be fine in a very industrial cities like Manehattan and Fillydelphia, but not the regal homestead of the Royal Sisters. A balcony setpiece is rolled out from stage right as the backdrop lowers behind it. The backdrop itself looks very nice though. Very calming, but also entrancing with its various shades of blue and violet. I hope the art world enjoys Pallet Cleanser’s work as much as I do. Her stage paintings are the highlight of every play at this school.

Luna trots onto the balcony. Although it’s a weird choice to cast Blue Heart as a lead, she certainly looks the part. Her mane needed to be dyed deep blue as opposed to her normal cyan, but other than the hint of a lighter shade of coat color and of course the cardboard, dark-blue horn, which in itself didn’t seem fake from most angles, she looked just like Luna if she were younger. Even with that, I can’t help but feel anxious at the sight of her onstage. As Captain of the Trotwood Cheerleaders, she had plenty of experience speaking in front of crowds when she inevitably won prom queen every year and it seemed like she was stuttering and mumbling more and more with each speech. However, she never did a good job with her delivery. It’s like she’s trying to read phonetic Grifphon. I can only pray that her sister is as good of an acting coach as she is an actress

Luna: Oh look now. At the beautiful night sky. So peaceful. Such beautiful colors. Oh how great it is to make the moon glow so beautiful. But woe, I am alone with no pony to talk to. If only there were a pony who loved the night as much as I
???: Who dost cry for the beauty of the night sky?
Luna: Harketh? Who said that?
???: Me [trots into light] I am the pony who caught your voice. I am Love Lee

The dialogue was worse than I thought. When I managed to look up from burying my hoof in my face when they used some inflection of “beauty” three times, I regretted it, because I could tell who this stallion was even without looking. High Horse was the son of the theater department’s largest donor, so he’s given all of the male lead roles even if he doesn’t have the talent to believably play a chair. He wasn’t even dressed in any costume. On top of that, his character’s name was so uncreative. It’s like what a dragon or griffon would make up as a fake pony name. The only enjoyment I can get from anything about “Love Lee” is internally debating if he’s written worse or played worse.

Despite that, Blue Heart, the actress playing Luna, seems to be doing relatively well with her delivery. She does seem to at least recognize the language her lines are in and she isn’t shouting and stressing every syllable, unlike High Horse. She’s struggling with enunciation, sometimes speaking at the required, high volume before drifting back to mumbles, but she’s trying. I have at least the confidence that she’ll improve with practice.

The two continue their cringey dialogue as Love Lee stares above Luna while he speaks, which baffles me in how incompetent you have to be to mess that up

Love: Aren’t you in thirst? For a mare as lone as you must be shouldest need love. Perhaps some Love will suffice.
Luna: I wish I could, but you are merely a mortal. You’d only be a flash of my life while I am everything in yours.
Love: Well why not enjoy me while you can?
Luna: No. I must not. For you see, I must go and talk with my sister so that we may speak. [Exit left]

For some reason, Luna exited the scene by jumping off the balcony and sprinting offstage to the left. The audience laughed a little, but I was unsure if this was intentional. Her face seemed to be very anxious as well. It seemed that Blue Heart must have been embarrassed by that strange transition. Can’t say I blame her. The only thing worse than being laughed at by an auditorium of ponies is to only receive awkward pity laughs instead. Comedians and actors can both relate to that. On top of that, the scene itself seemed very rushed. It was like the playwright hated that scene and wanted it over as quickly as possible. I think he added that transition to distract from the fact that he wrote “must be shouldest” as if there’s any form of Ponish where that makes sense.

The balcony prop was pushed off and the backdrop was replaced with that of the pristine, white interior of the Canterlot Castle. Luna dragged herself onstage, clearly still shaken from her dive earlier (and the fact that none of the judges gave her a 10). Celestia trotted on as well, standing at the opposite end to that of Luna. She was played by Blue Heart’s younger sister, Tulip Fall. She’s always the best actress in any play, because she’s always the only one with real talent. I heard she even got a scholarship to Hoofliard. I never thought she was THAT good. She’s still good, but I think she might be getting more opportunities than she deserves.

Since her coat was bright pink, it was obvious that only a wig could work with her. That and fake white wings. The wig did match, but she didn’t look the part nearly as good as her sister. She’s surprisingly taller than Luna like in real life, but that makes her wig and height the only believable aspects of her appearance.

Celestia: It’s so nice of you to come spend time with me sister. Being awake while you sleep and sleeping while you’re awake erodes our sisterhood so much without proper bonding. Even if I may be tired, it’s very important that I help make you feel better.
Luna: Why thank you so much Big Sister
Celestia: So tell me, has anything interesting happened with you recently?
Luna: [Sigh] A pony approached me today. I think I’m in love with him. I felt this spark in my chest when I talked to him. He must be the one. We are destined to be together
Celestia: Oh. Well. Luna. I’m very sorry, but I can’t let you do that to him. He won’t live as long as you. Not even close. He’d have to spend his entire life without you aging a day with him. You wouldn’t grow gray and old before withering away in his arms. His life won’t even be a percent as long as yours. And even though you feel hundreds of years old, for that’s what you technically are, that doesn’t change the fact that compared to your entire life, you are still a child. So please, just quit him now.
Luna: What? You don’t even know him? I understand. You’re right. I’ll do that now?

That last line seemed a little off in my opinion. Blue seemed unprepared for her sister’s long, improvised lines. In the last case, it seemed like Tulip ended up reading 2 or 3 lines at once. Did she not tell her sister about this habit? Was she even coaching her at all?

I can’t help but feel like the ride home for these two was going to be dead silent. When they exited the scene, I could have sworn I heard Tulip scolding her. I don’t know the full story, so I can’t be sure who’s in the right. Besides, that isn’t my story to tell here.

“Love Lee” trotted onstage alone. If there’s one thing I don’t want to see High Horse perform, it’s a soliloquy. I brace myself for the impending disaster. The night backdrop lowers and he opens his mouth.

Love: Oh I love the night. It’s so beautiful and calm. But why do noponies like it? Every pony is in their beds, sleeping away as they dream and miss these beautiful nights. Only Luna understands. Oh I love her so. She’s the only mare I could ever love. I hope she changes her mind. I could not go another night without. She...

I give up. He’s just shouting every syllable, like always, for several straight minutes. It’s hard to believe this character could appreciate calmness with his volume. I can definitely buy that he doesn’t want anyone to sleep. If his performance wasn’t bad enough, his lines were boring and bland. He just kept going on and on about how he loved the night and Luna. Eventually, like the great defeat of the Lord of Disorder that brought immense and overflowing cathartic joy, he stopped. If I had to guess, I’d say his monologue was 15 minutes long. You read that right. 15 minutes long. No wonder the other scenes are so short. These monologues are as long as novels. Not to mention that Blue and Tulip seemed to arguing louder this time throughout the whole thing and this time, Blue definitely was biting louder. Still, they were quiet enough that, if I had any remote incentive to pay attention to the actual scene, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed it.

The backdrop is then replaced with that of the castle again as Luna trots on, appearing to sneaking about the castle. That is until Celestia calls to her

Celestia: Sister!
Luna: [stops and stands with head down] Hey big sis
Celestia: Shouldn’t you be in your room? Why in Tartarus are you not watching over ponies’ dreams? Do you not care about protecting your subjects? [Gasps] Are you going to see that stallion? You know what I told you.
Luna: I’m sorry, but I have to. I can’t let him go. He just belongs with me. I don’t care what you say. He loves me for the things other ponies don’t.
Celestia: I demand that you stop this. You shouldn’t be so frivolous and-
Luna: Sorry I can’t. He needs me [trots offstage with a scowl]

Another exchange that seemed off. This was usually the point where Luna would simply force herself to defy her sister. By this point, she would still be meek and submissive to her sister with barely enough confidence to defy her at all, even though she still does it anyways. However, Luna seemed to interrupt her sister and just stormed off with her head held high. I must admit it is a nice change of pace. Even cutting her off in the middle of her speech was a really nice touch. It makes it feel like they know the beats of their story and want to mix it up a bit.

The backdrop swapped again as Love Lee trots on and stands in the exact same spot as he was during his soliloquy. I then get war flashbacks to his previous scene and pray to anything that he’ll keep his mouth shut. Of course, he still does the soliloquy. This one is only 10 minutes long (I learned to start watching the clock by then) and when it ended, Luna walked up next to him. She now held a bit more of a grin on her face. She looked proud of how she told off her sister in the last scene. She even spoke more boastfully than before. It seemed Blue was getting into character a lot better than I anticipated.

Luna Love Lee. There you are. Sorry about earlier. My meeting with my sister ended early. She can be such a pain
Love: That’s fine. I’ve missed you so much. And I’ve been anxiously awaiting for you to really talk with me.
Luna: Oh Yes. I have quite a lot to say. For you see, I’ve been waiting so long to find some pony who really understands my plight. It’s so hard to be so unloved. My sister insists that I’m just as loved as she, but I think she just doesn’t want to look like the kind of pony who admits that she is loved more. She puts on this show, this act, of a pony who’s sweet and down to earth. A pony who anypony can get along with or trust. An honest, sweet, and loyal friend.
But the reality is that she’s just as vain, egotistical, and mean as she claims I am. She doesn’t want to admit that though. She acts the way she does, because she knows deep down that she’s a horrible and evil pony, and instead of admitting that, she just projects all of those qualities onto me. She loves me not because I’m her sister, but because I’m her scapegoat. She can’t live without me, because if she did, she’d have to face the fact that she’s the terrible pony, not me. Maybe she’s scared that it’s only because of this internal struggle that she can even act her way out of a mime schoo-

Luna’s line was interrupted by Celestia’s wig hitting her in the face. I was about to say. That monologue there seemed a little too personal. Tulip stomped onstage with the light of burning rage in her eyes. I was half-expecting her own mane to burst into flames. Blue looked down with an even wider grin than before. High Horse was starting to step backwards away from this whole scene, but Luna didn’t lose a drop of her confidence.

Luna: Oh Celestia. You seem to have dropped your wig. Now everypony can see your dirty little secret. It seems you’ll be the one to play Daybreak now. What a fascinating plot twist for-
Celestia: Shut up Blue. You know full well that you’re breaking from script. And you’re using this monologue to degrade and assault me for-
Luna: Oh?! I have? Well, you didn’t seem to be following it much either, sister. I was just staying in character, like you apparently were.
Celestia: Stop interrupting me! I knew I shouldn’t have let Mrs. Scene Stealer cast you. I just wanted to be nice to-
Luna: Nice? You’ve been using this whole performance to show me up. You even lied to me about rehearsal times and you wouldn’t even let me practice with you. And you justify mistreating me like this because I’m popular and need to be taken down a peg or-
Celestia: I said stop inter-
Luna: No. You stop interrupting me. Stop interrupting my life and trying to screw me over. I’m a good cheerleader. I can’t help it if that makes me more “popular” than you, whatever in Tartarus you think that means. You have friends who care about you and treat you more like a sister than you treat your own. I don’t have friends who care about me. I have acquaintances who gossip about me and try to stab me in the back. You have actual friends, but yet you manipulate them to get what you want. Whenever you’re caught, you just blame it on me, like I’m the kind of pony who’d spread rumors about your friends.
Love: So Tulip was the one who told my dad I’m gay?
Luna: I would say yes, but that really undersells what she did. It’s all because she didn’t want you to be her co-star. She didn’t like your acting, which she thought was worth ruining your life over. And that’s not even half of what she did to the rest of you. So what do you have say... Tulip?

When Blue turned to face her sister again after that whole monologue, all she saw was an empty space and a pool of tears where she was standing. She had teleported out of the school by that point.

I had to admit that the whole scene was a little shocking. It did feel like a good ending for a play of that story. The other theater kids apologized to Blue for how they treated her and at first, they treated her disappearance like she just needed a long time to think about what she’s done.

Unfortunately, that time was longer than any of them hoped. She didn’t come home or go to school for months. Some got worried, but others still thought that she deserved it and didn’t even try to look for her. Blue did end up hanging out in theater more often, replacing her sister as the most talented actress in the bunch, but she didn’t get over the loss, even if she did feel like destiny gave Tulip what she should get.

——————

Pen Ship’s Epilogue:

This story is based off of an actual incident with my school’s theater club, which I was a member of back then. The usual lead actress disappeared one night after her sister’s first time performing a play. The part where her sister embarrassed and exposed her in front of the club did happen, but only when the members were getting ice cream after the first performance. I can’t remember what the play was about, but it wasn’t the story of Nightmare Moon.

Anyways, I was inspired to try publishing this story after the mare was finally found. She was in the village cult that Princess Twilight broke up. Although being a cog in her friendship problem solving is not that special nowadays. But I decided to reach out to her for permission to publish this and surprisingly, her and her sister actually encouraged me to use their real names, even though I had been planning to use fake ones. Of course, the other characters are fabricated. But the sisters will be assisting in the promotion of the book.

They do seem to be pretty happy with each other and are happy to see their old friend get an opportunity like this. I’m very proud of what I’ve done and hope I can continue writing stories like this.