oi blyat

by Russian Bank Teller

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1122

Angry former army gopnik tries to kill Celestial after she accidentally destroyed his vodka. Hilarity Ensuses

Dimitri was an average gopnik who had emerged from the remains of the Soviet Army. Then he got transported to Equestria by Celestia. She told him to go make friends in Ponyville. She also destroyed all his vodka, calling it poison. He swears revenge.

Short one-shot in honor of the founding of the Red Army this year that I forgot about.

Published 2018-07-01 08:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-01 08:30:06 UTC

OI BLYAAAAAAAAAT

“Suka, blyat” Dimitri swore as he walked out of the train station. That, blyat, damn horse, the pink, blyat, huinya, blyat,... I mean white princess, blyat, stole all my, blyat, vodka, yob tvoyu mat! How am I supposed to get drunk now, blyat?! Wait... AHA! I will nahui stab her, blyat, until she gives it back, blyat! Perfect, blyat. Now how do I get back to CanterBerry, tvoyu mat? Or is it, blyat, CaterMountain? Is it, blyat, Canterlot? Ah, nahui, blyat, whatever.

“Are you okay? Hello? Earth to human?” A purple horse with a tiara said as she desperately tried to get his attention.

“Huh? Who are you, yobanyi v rot?”

“I’m Princess Celestia’s personal student! Twilight Sparkle. Princess Celestia told me to take care of you while you are here in Ponyville.”

“Nah. Idi, blyat, v pizdu, blyat. fuck you”

“Wha-“ She was cut off as he stabbed her in the eye with a broken vodka bottle. All the ponies around him screamed. He quickly boarded the train and took it over after a liberal application of glass to a train conductor’s face.

“I’m off to CanterMaine! Those Sukas won’t know what hit them! Blyat!”

That’s right. Every time skip is a new chapter!

“Finally, blyat!” After leaving the train, stabbed at least 10 ponies, blowing up a Royal Guard station and putting a landmine in the mane of a certain Best Princesss, Dimitri finally made it to CanterMount Castle. He quickly made his way up to the Throne Room after a liberal application of pencil to a couple of guards’ hearts.

“Hello SunAss!” Dimitri yelled as he ran to Celestia.

“What? I thought you were in Ponyville! How did you get here?”

“It’s called a liberal application of glass and high explosives, suka.”

“If you so much as hurt a hair on any of my little ponies I will-“

“I stabbed Twilight Sparkle, the suka.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” A resounding scream of fear and rage rippled throughout Canterabury as Celestia heard the news of her prized pupil’s death.

“Blah blah blah gimme vodka or the blue one dies, blyat.”

“You... you monster!”

“BLYAT! Give me vodka or the blue one dies, blyat.”

Princess Celestia’s response was to scream in rage and attack Dimitri with all her might.

Knock Knock. Who’s there? NUCLEAR WEAPONS

“And that, my litttle ponies is how Nightmare Shining Armour, YES IT IS SPELLED WITH A “U”, killed Sombra with a pen.”
Said Mrs. Cadence as she showed all her little foals a statue of a pony with a pen through his eye.

“But what about Spike?”

“He was brutallly murdered with a quill.”

“Oh.”

“Now, we will move on to this huge bomb.”

Then everything exploded and the whole class died. But it wasn’t a nuclear weapon.

I really need to condense this into one chapter

“Okay, I’m going to stop fucking around and reset time. This simply isn’t funny anymore!” Said Discord as he snapped his claws.

Then, everything went back to when Dimitri met Twilight.

“-Twilight Sparkle. Princess Celestial tasked me with taking care of you and making sure you made friends.”

“Alright then, blyat.”

“Okay. Now I would like you to answerallmyquestionsIwanttoknoweverything.“

“No. Suka.”

“n-no?”

“Yeah, blyat. Do you not fucking understand?”

“THEN I WILL STRAP YOU DOWN TO A TABLE AND DISSECT YOU”

“Fuck you, suka”

“YOU DARE INSULT YOUR QUEEN?!” said ‘Twilight’ as she turned into a black locust.

“Oh hey! Dinner. Blyattt!”

“Wait what”

*STABSTABSTABSTAB*

“Lmao you suck. Anyway, time to eat!”

*omnomnom*

“Eww it tastes like bleach. wait”

*DED*

And that kids is why Changelings are made of bleach.

“Dang. This keeps happening” said Discord as he repeated time again

The End?

“Blyat” Dimitri swore as he realized he just killed the entire pony population by stabbing Princess Celestia and cutting off Best Princess’s horn. He proceeded to the balcony of CanterBurrow castle.

“CITIZENS OF CANTERCHINA, I AM YOUR NEW RULER!”

Of course no one heard him because he didn’t have the Royal CanterLotsofPone voice. Oh well. A man can try at least.

Then Everyone Died

Meanwhile on Earth

Adolphus Hitler (better known as Todd Howard) made fallout 5.
And Jesus H. Christ (better known as Gabe Newell made Half Life 2.5
Everyone cried

Oh, and Transdniestria became internationally recognized by every country in the world except Moldova. Because fuck Moldova.

THE END QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK??

This just gets more aggravating, doesn’t it?

“I’m glad we could work out an agreement.” Stated Celestia as she calmly had tea with Dimitri’s burning corpse. I think my rage might’ve been a little too much thought Celestia as she saw the burning ruins of Canterlot.

“Oh well. Luna! Fetch me some more tea!”

“Yes s-sister.” Best Princess said fearfully as she jumped out a window and flew away.

“Darn. I’m going to have to get another replacement Luna, aren’t I.”

“PRINCESS! AH’M ‘FAIR UR UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF 1 HUMAN AND 69 THOUSAND PONIES!”

“Oh hello! Nice to see you bearers of the Elements of KO. Can you go banish Luna again? She didn’t get me tea like she said.”

“Princess, ah’m ‘fraid I’m going to have to put these here hoof cuffs on your leg.”

“No.” Then everything burned.

Okay, this chapter will have more than 200 words, I promise

“WE NEED COMMUNISM” a crowd of Angry Foals said as they launched themselves out of catapults into the Ponyville Missile Silo. You see, after the Crystal Empire blew up and Princess Celestial burned CanterCop, The only one left to lead was Very Fat Pig. Yes, that was his name. He was the new Captain Of the Royal Guard. He decided to implement a Nazi Dictatorship where all the JewRaffes were brutally cuddled to death. Turns out all the Angry Foals wanted Best Princess to rule them. And thus lead to the Second World Cuddle. [emoji] [emoji]. The mane belligerents were the...
AFUOCICBWN (no, I’m not telling you what it means)
UFBPTW
CCCCCP
USIFSL
UNSCS
and also a very angry Anime Character. Yes, that’s his name.

Meanwhile in Neighpan

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Sounds continued to Echo as two angry monks from the Religion of the Frying Pan continued to beat each other to death.

MEANWHILE IN [INSERT HORSE PUN HERE]

“nu u”

“no you”

Two ponies in suits continued to yell at each other for creating PISIS (Pony Islamic State of Irock and Sealia). One was Todd Howard and the other was Hilary Clinton.

“Lmao you both suck” said a pony in a Ninja Suit with a “The Real Enemy is Duct Tape” shirt said.

“Who r u?” Said Todd Howard and Hilary Clinton in unison.

“emails” he said.

Then everything exploded.