“Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.”
~Edgar Allan Poe
Day zero
I have absolutely no idea how to start this. It wasn't my idea in the first place, anyway, but I'm a bit desperate at this point. I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a month and it's starting to get to me. I'm willing to try anything, is what I'm saying.
Twilight says I should treat this like a diary. I dunno why she thinks that's a good idea; this is just about writing down my dreams, so why should I put any effort into it beyond that? But whatever, if she says this works then I'll do whatever. Desperate, remember?
So I guess I should start from the beginning. My name's Carrot Top, not that I should have to tell you. And I've been having dreams. Weird dreams. Not, like, nightmares or anything, but really weird dreams. I don't remember anything about them, but I remember that they're really -
Unsettling? Yeah, unsettling is the word I'm looking for. Every morning I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all. I'm tired all the time, I have no energy to do my job, and I'm constantly grouchy. I find myself snapping at everypony I know for the stupidest things. I mean, I yelled at Derpy for making too much noise for crying out loud. That's when I decided enough was enough. Derpy doesn't deserve abuse from anyone, least of all from her so-called best friend. So I went to Twilight. That's what you do in Ponyville when you've got a problem like this; you go ask the weirdo mare who lives in a bucking library.
Twilight said that it's probably not a sleeping disorder, or I'd have shown symptoms sooner in life, so there's clearly something else going on here. I said I didn't really give a damn about what's wrong with me and just want to find a solution as soon as possible. Besides, I already know what's wrong; it's the dreams. That made Twilight get a little indignant; she muttered something about how the dreams were just a symptom but whatever. She said she couldn't really do anything for me without more information, but she also said she was going to ask that creepy zebra who lives in the Everfree. And in the meantime I'm supposed to write my dreams in this thing so that she can hear about them in more detail. Whatever works, I say.
I'm really tired now. I can barely keep my eyes open and I know this whole thing probably looks like crap but whatever. It's Twilight's own fault for asking me to write a dream diary because I'm not going to be able to remember the dreams at any point while I'm not still mostly asleep. I'll try my best to be coherent. But I'm rambling waaaaay off topic. I guess I'm just stalling. I don't wanna go to sleep.
Dammit, I'm making zero sense. I need to just... go to bed. Yeah, that's the ticket. I'll write more of this tomorrow. Officially start things off, as it were.
Good night, I guess. Really need to stop writing as though I'm talking to a person and not writing in some dumb journal. Maybe I'm going crazy.
Day one
Ugh, I knew this was a stupid idea. I'm tired and cranky and I remember jack about what I dreamed. Twilight is full of it. I'll try to write something but blugh whatever.
I remember being in my apartment pretty clearly. I don't remember what I was doing, but I was in the kitchen. And then... something happened, but I can't for the life of me remember what. But whatever it was, it wasn't good. And then... and then... something. Bucked if I remember specifics, though. But then I wasn't in my kitchen anymore. I was somewhere else. No clue where, just somewhere. Somewhere bad. And -
And then -
Something. I'm saying that a lot in this stupid thing. I can't help it, though. It's not my fault that I can't remember my dreams. No one remembers their dreams, and if they say they do they're lying. But Twilight said that I should write stream-of-consciousness. Just start writing and not stop until I -
Uh.
Until I stop, I guess? Whatever, I don't even care anymore. I'm still tired and still cranky and I want this thing to work already but it isn't. I know I should be more patient and I know it's not Twilight's fault that this idea of hers isn't getting immediate results but I'm frustrated and she's easy to blame, I guess. I... probably shouldn't have written that 'cause Twilight's gonna read this later.
I'm going to go give this to her and then head off to work. Those carrots aren't gonna sell themselves, you know?
Day one (ctd)
Twilight says I shouldn't hand these in on a daily basis or anything. Just when we have sessions. Sessions, like she's some kind of bucking psychiatrist. Celestia as my witness, I'm not crazy. I'm not. I said that I figure giving them in on a daily basis might speed things up, but Twilight just shrugged and said she has other priorities and I just wanted to buck her in the face until she was an unrecognizable pulp and...
Celestia, what the hell am I writing? Maybe... Maybe I am crazy? No, I'm just tired and frustrated and I'm still taking it out on Twilight and now I feel awful for even considering the possibility of hurting her. She's one of the nicest mares in Ponyville and she's just doing what she can to help me get over this. She doesn't have to help, but she's doing it anyway. I don't know what to think anymore, so maybe I should just stop dwelling on this and live my life. But it's hard to just ignore your problems when they're shouting in your face and refusing to leave.
Did some business with the Apples today, which was a breath of fresh air. They're the biggest farm in all of ponyville, so any business with them is going to result in a bunch of profits, and Applejack is...
Well, Applejack is a very pleasant pony to spend time with. Let's just leave it at that, shall we? We came up with a bunch of ideas for apple and carrot based products, and we're also going to be working together to sell our products to a bunch of restaurants in town.
... Sorry if I'm being vague. I'm still tired and my brain's all fuzzy and stuff. I'm pretty sure everypony's been that tired before, and my sleep issues haven't exactly been helpful. It's early, but I should go to bed before I say something I'll regret later. Good night, Diary.
I really need to stop writing like you're actually a person.
Day two
I feel like I didn't sleep a wink. I know I did. I can remember dreaming, pretty vividly, though what I actually dreamed about is still frustratingly vague. I was in my kitchen again, and I was doing something that I don't remember. But I'm pretty sure that it wasn't the same thing I was doing in last night's dream. I wasn't cooking, I remember that, too. Stuff happened, I don't remember what, but I remember it all feeling mundane. Some other ponies were there, too, but I can't remember who. And then I -
I don't remember anything specific, but there was fire. A lot of fire, all around me. I can still feel my fur catching on fire. Dreams aren't supposed to be that vivid, are they? I mean, you dream about catching on fire, and then wake up with your skin still tingling - that's not normal, is it? It's funny, everything else about the dream is vague except for that feeling. I can't quite describe it, just that it was the worst thing I've ever felt. I keep trying to come up with words, but nothing is adequate. I don't know if maybe it's just that I don't have a very good vocabulary, but... well, you try to explain the feeling of your flesh melting from your bones. My whole body still hurts, a sort of dull ache that goes down to my bones. I should probably talk to Twilight about this, but I don't want to pester her any more than I already have. I know what I said yesterday, but as impatient as I'm feeling, I know Twilight has other things on her plate. I kind of want to just go directly talk to that zebra - what was her name again? Something with a z, I think. But Twilight said she'd ask her, and I kind of want to just leave things in her hooves.
I'm rambling, again. I think maybe I should go talk to Twilight. Pestering aside, this is really worrisome. I've got work to go to, but after that I'm going to go talk to her.
... What was that?
Day two (ctd.)
I'm being watched. Will write more later. Gotta go talk to Twilight about this.
Day two (ctd.)
Okay, good news; I'm not being watched. Twilight cast some spell, I'm a bit vague on the details but I guess I'm not being secretly stalked. I dunno, for all I know she just made her horn glow a bit and then said what I wanted to hear, but why would she do that? I'm gonna choose to trust her. She's done absolutely nothing but try to help me and if that's not trustworthy I don't know what is. I may be going crazy, but I'm not paranoid.
Says the mare who thinks she's being watched by some invisible I-don't-know-what and let it get to her to the point that she ran off in the middle of her work day to pester her -
Therapist? I guess that's what Twilight is to me, as reluctant as I am to admit it. I'm not crazy, though.
... Says the mare who thinks she's being watched by some invisible I-don't-know-what and let it get to her to the point that she ran off in the middle of her work day to pester her therapist. But in my defence, it felt real. Like... you know, that feeling when you set out on your own and you get a place somewhere just far enough away from your parents that they're not gonna berate you for your choice in careers and at first you feel great and independent and then the loneliness starts kicking in and you start getting the feeling that you aren't alone.
That was a bit more autobiographical than it was intended to be.
But you get my point, right? You get so used to never really being alone in life that, when you're alone - really, truly alone - for the first time, it starts to feel like you're not.
Now that I think about it, though, I haven't really seen Derpy since this all started. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe I need to start spending more time with my best friend, start going to some parties and not spending all my time working or thinking about work. Maybe even start dating again.
Celestia, how long has it been since the last time I got laid?
... How long has it been since the last time I was even really interested in somepony that way?
Well... okay, not that long. But - well, Twilight's gonna read this eventually and I'd rather keep my social life to myself.
Sweet Luna, I just spent like four sentences lamenting my sex life in a dream diary I'm supposed to freaking share with a near-stranger. Ugh, this is why I thought this was a bad idea. When I get tired I ramble on and on and I always end up saying embarrassing stuff like that. And I'm tired all the time now. Celestia, am I tired.
All the time.
All the time.
Celestia, I'm tired.
All the time.
What was I talking about? Maybe... maybe I should take a nap. Yeah, that's the ticket.
all the time
Day three
i have seen His face
I saw it. The thing that was watching me yesterday. I saw it. I know I did. I've seen it's face. I can still remember what it looked like, vividly. I can't explain... it's like the image is clear in my mind, but words can't do it justice. There aren't any words in my vocabulary. I don't think there are any words in the entire moonbound language that can describe that -
Whatever it was. It's like, like there's no frame of reference for whatever that thing is - like it's some incomprehensibly ancient thing, so ancient that whatever words might have existed to describe it don't exist anymore because there's been nothing to describe them with. Because they only exist to describe that one thing. Something about it gives me the feeling that there never were words to describe it in the first place, because it only exists in my mind. I just wish I could describe what it was like.
It was like staring into the face of a god.
No, it isn't. I've seen Celestia and I've seen Luna, and there's a sense of majesty about them, yeah, but they still feel almost like just another pony. A really special pony, but still just a pony. I think that's why they make such good leaders, especially Celestia. No, what it was like is what you think meeting Celestia or Luna is like before you actually see them in person. Only, no, that's still not right. Because, see, even as a filly I always knew Celestia was good. There's a sort of implied warmth to the sun goddess, and that wasn't really there. It was like it wasn't watching me because it cared, it was watching me because it was bored.
I don't know. I guess I'm rambling again. Twilight told me I should try to just write non-stop whatever comes to mind and nine times out of ten that seems to just lead to me nattering on about stupid stuff no one cares about. Like, I just spent two hundred or so words talking about something that doesn't exist outside my mind.
It doesn't exist.
It can't exist.
Celestia, I'm tired. I need to go to work. Get my mind off of things. Later on I'm gonna go talk to Derpy. Maybe apologize for yelling at her - sweet Luna, I can't believe I haven't done so already. What kind of friend am I, anyway?
i have seen His face
Celestia I'm tired.
Day three (ctd)
talked to derpy
so tired
can barely focus to write
will write more tomorrow
i have seen His face