The Cuddlequest of Earth: Agapízology

by Tyrannosaurus_Tux

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 3283

The Scientific Method: As Applied to Physical Affection, its Efficacy, its Effects, and its Applications.

Before the year 2014, the notion that the scientific community would not only be unable to dispute the existance of magic, but would be researching fervently into its secrets and application would be laughable and regarded as fanciful theory making.

Not so much anymore.

Now, Twilight Sparkle assists research into the developing field of Agapízology: the science of physical affection.

In other words, snuggling scientists and test subjects for science and profit.

Published 2018-09-27 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-27 17:30:01 UTC

The science of hwat now

There was not a cloud in the sky.

Cars of all hues sedately passed by, passengers and drivers disinterested in anything but the city road. The road was flanked on both sides by sidewalks, and then by grass and trees. Buildings were nestled between the trees, with their concrete, brick, and glass forms squatting like stones.

"Princess Twilight! Princess Twilight!"

The purple princess pony swiveled around and regarded the one who addressed her. Her labcoat ruffled and the glasses on her face shined. Her mane and tail swayed gently in the wind. Her folded wings twitched.

Twilight Sparkle
Princess of Frienship
Third-time Nobel Prize Winner, Veteran Cuddle Crusader Centurion, Bes Frien

A man, in red plaid polo and jeans, ran up to Twilight Sparkle. He stood, like her, on the sidewalk, next to the Aga Institue. His pale, sweating brow shined in the sun. His mouth and the hand holding the camera twitched. He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his dirty, brown hair, which was covered by a blue baseball cap that read “PRESS”.

“Hi... uh, Princess! I-I’m Jeremy from FNN.”

Jeremy
Intern
Gamer, Student, Lover of Pizza Time

Twilight smirked. She adjusted the pens in her coat with a hoof.

“Good afternoon, Jeremy.”

Jeremy gulped.

“Princess, would you be willing to answer a few questions for our readers?”

Twilight giggled. The saddlebags on her back sagged, and they were adjusted by magic, tucked under her wings.

“Sure. What can I help you with?”

The light shone through and off the wide front windows of the Institute, to the left of Twilight and the right of Jeremy.

“What is it that you do here at this institute?”

With a more genuine smile, Twilight replied, “Well, at the Equestrian Institute of Agapízology, we are researching the magical phenomenon of intimate noopositive realignment with the human scientific method.”

“Noah-positive?”

The Journalist Jeremy tilted his head, while Twilight nodded hers.

“That’s correct. Noopositivity is essential for a happy human being. We at the institute have been studying the effect of what is colloquially known as ‘cuddle magic’ on the human body and mind. Despite our first impressions, humans are a magical race, but their magical natures are not like that of ponies. How that has yet to be determined, other than the noosphere.”

Jeremy scratched his head.

“What is the noah-sphere, and how is it relevant to cuddle magics?”

Twilight held up a hoof. “You can read about that in our journal, Jeremy. For now, I’m about to be running late.”

Jeremy lowered his camera. “Oh. Okay...”

Twilight pursed her lips. “Say,” she stated. “How would you like a tour of the Agapízological Insitute? I could let you in.”

Jeremy’s stance stiffened, and he looked Twilight in the eye. “Really?”

Twilight winked at Jeremy, and she said, “Yes. I think it’ll be good for the world to see what we do here.”

Jeremy fiddled and shook his camera, and the red light came on again. He steadied his breath, saying “We’re here with Princess Twilight Sparkle at the... Aga...pízological Institute. This is an e-exclusive sneak peek into the world of this up-and-coming scientific field. What do you think the applications of this study will be... Princess?”

Twilight, with a practiced voice and stance, said, “We’re here with newly-minted Agapízology experts from all over our two worlds, looking into the many ways that physical affection is used to enrich the lives of so many people! I’d say, unabashedly, that this is one of the more important fields of study going forward!”

The red light switched off. “Uh,” Jeremy mumbled. “How was that?”

Twilight used her wing to mime a thumbs-up. “Okay,” he said, his stance a little straighter. “Take two, for real this time.”

The red light came back on, and Jeremy stated, “We’re here with Princess Twilight Sparkle at the Agapízological Institute. This is an exclusive sneak peek into the world of this up-and-coming scientific field. What do you think the applications of this study will be, Princess?”

Twilight smiled. “At the institute, we’re researching into the many ways physical affection can be used to enrich the lives of others! Humans everywhere have experienced our care and our hugs, but human methods and instruments can tell us how! Follow me!”

Twilight gestured with her hoof. Jeremy followed after her into the building. Jeremy scanned the white, clean reception area with his camera. However, only the receptionist pony was in the room, with her cream coat and blue, long hair.

“Hiya!” Amber Lapis said cheerfully.

Amber Lapis
Institute Receptionist
Likes: Dinosaurs, Cuddling
Dislikes: Being a Receptionist

She stood up and placed her forehooves on the reception table. “Who’s this, Twilight?”

“This,” Twilight said while gesturing to Jeremy “Is Jeremy from FNN. I’d thought I’d show him around.”

“How cool!” Amber cried. “Let me get his pass!”

She ducked underneath the table as Twilight and Jeremy approached. Then, she reappeared, with a card and a lanyard in her mouth. Jeremy took the offered item, and Amber lifted her arm to her right, indicating the metal detector to her left, and the hallway beyond.

“Enjoy your tour, FNN! I’ll be sure to tell Mom I was on TV!”

Jeremy smiled. Twilight lead the way through the gate, and then Jeremy followed.

However, as soon as he stepped through it, the gate squealed. Jeremy looked at the camera in his hands.

“Whoops.”

Twilight giggled behind her hoof. “Oh,” she revealed. “That’s not for metal.”

Jeremy’s eyebrow raised. “What do you mean?” he said.

Amber leaned over the desk. “I hardly see those guys anymore! Cool!”

Then, Jeremy started to sweat. “Uh, ‘those guys’?” He clutched his camera to his chest.

“Yeah,” elaborated Amber. “You’re lucky we found you now!”

A pause.

Another pause.

Still yet another pause.

Now, it was an uncomfortable silence.

Jeremy dropped his small camera and bolted for the sliding door. The camera was caught on the way down by a violet glow. Jeremy himself found himself almost intercepted by a flying blur of blue and yellow. He was almost to the door when it beeped. Before Jeremy could get outside, he slammed into the shut doors with all the grace of a swan... learning what a window was. The door had failed to open, and Jeremy had failed to bust through the door.

A glassy gong reverberated through the room, and Jeremy fell mutely to the blue carpet, clutching his face.

Amber giggled, and said, “Been a while since anyone’s done that!”

Jeremy hastily rose to his feet. He saw the Princess and the Receptionist look at him with small smiles. He wiped his nose. No blood. He sighed.

Twilight gestured to Jeremy. She asked, “You okay, big guy?”

Jeremy groaned, “I can’t believe...”

Rearing up and flailing her legs, Amber shouted, “You better believe it! Our means of detecting uncuddled improve every day!”

Smiling, Twilight explained, “This opens up an opportunity, Jeremy. Not only can you tour the facility, but you can aid the cause of science–!”

Twilight held up a hoof, almost making a fist with it. She wore a victorious grin.

“By giving us a few more data points on cuddling humans.”

Amber added, “To sweeten the deal, we can offer money and treats.”

A rumbling rumble suddenly sounded. It was a rumbly rumble. It rumbled with a rumbly suggestion. It shook Jeremy as it rumbled, and it rumbled with traitorous intent. It, the rumble, changed notes as it rumbled, almost as an invitation to anyone there, including Jeremy. Jeremy placed a hand on his tummy. He looked to the side, with his mouth agape.

“...Okay.”

Jeremy's camera floated back over, and Jeremy grasped it. The magic dissipated, and the camera's weight fully sank into Jeremy's hands.

Jeremy commented. "...It's warm."

Twilight nodded. She waved her hoof as she elaborated, "The excitement of necessary forces to lift anything via telekinesis produces just a little bit of warmth. It's something one learns almost immediately when dealing with unicorn magic."

Twilight narrowed her eyes and looked at Jeremy with a toothy grin.

"Did you know humans have magic, too?"

Jeremy's eyebrows raised. He put his camera down. He spoke, pondering, "Can I...
...
... lift things with my mind?"

Smiling, Twilight shook her head, explaining, "Not so far. It seems to be radically different to anything that magical scholars have so far been able to discern. Humans have an incredible power, and we've only just been able to scratch the surface of what human magic can do!"

She looked up, gestured to herself, and closed her eyes, adjusting her glasses with a touch of magic. She pranced, "Of course, I do have a hypothesis on all this."

Then, she was interrupted by a beep. Levitating a phone from her saddlebags, she scanned the alert. Gasping, she teleported away, with a purple flash of light.

Jeremy looked at Amber. He asked, "What was that about?"

Shrugging, Amber looked into the hallway that leads further into the building.

"Who knows," she responded. "It's always something new for the Princess. This way, please."

Twilight Sparkle, Princess extraordinaire, reappeared deeper in the facility. She was surrounded by a simulacrum of a living room, complete with wooden walls, flooring, a wood-fired fireplace, and a couch comfy enough to sleep in. The area was not well-lit, but it didn’t need to be. This... was the cuddling testing room.

“Sorry I’m late,” Twilight announced. “Somebody wanted to tour our facility, but our harmonizer machine buzzed him.”

A voice, from someone standing on the couch, said, “Who?”

“Some intern from FNN.”

The pony that was standing behind the couch reared up and placed her forehooves on the back of the couch. Her wine-colored mane and fur darkened by the low light. Finally, her eyes and scar was visible, as well as her broken horn. She asked, “What’s an intern?”

Tempest Shadow, AKA Fizzlepop Berrytwist
Retired Villainess
Don’t talk about her horn

Seriously

Smirking, Twilight Sparkle replied, “A little like what you’re doing now, Fizzle.”

Fizzlepop blinked. She commented, “Ah. Involuntary servitude for the folly of our youths.”

Twilight giggled. “I wouldn’t say that,” she admitted. “But basically, yeah. It’s good that you’re here today.”

Fizzlepop leaped over the couch and sat down.

“So, I’m here,” she reported. “What am I here for?”

Twilight, grinning, explained, “We have a unique opportunity with you here at the Institute. We have plenty of data about the harmonization of humans, especially from the initial Crusade... but we have little data on pony harmonization.”

Another voice, previously silent, spoke up.

“I thought all ponies had the cuddle-magics-whatever in them. Something.”

She turned to another figure on the couch, who was wearing jeans and a red plaid flannel shirt. His white socks stood out as he laid back, arms splayed on the back of the couch.

Edo
The Half-bearded
Wait, what

Edo scratched the side of his face that had a full beard. Then, he rubbed his other smooth cheek and jaw. “Why did you have me do this?” he asked.

Twilight laughed and adjusted her glasses. Fizzlepop sighed. “You had to ask,” the broken-hearted, broken-horned unicorn said.

Twilight reared back on her rear hooves, wings unfolded. “For science!” she shouted. She laughed some more until she got unsteady on her hooves and fell back to four. “And because I think we ought to test human male nuzzling.”

Edo blinked. He asked, “Wouldn’t it be better for the... uh–test subjects to be either fully bearded or fully shaven? Also, why do this now when we were supposed to test pony harmonization?”

Edo opened his mouth to say more, but Twilight had shushed him by tapping his mouth with a hoof. “It’s because,” she lectured. “We can be more efficient by testing more than one thing at once.”

Edo rubbed his mouth, and his chin, all strikingly half-bearded.

“...Okay... I guess.”

A camera sat next to the fireplace, lens barely reflecting the light of the fire. Twilight also pulled out an interesting set of instruments; a series of suction cups and electronics, meant to be placed... somewhere.

“I’ll be scanning the both of you while the deed is done.”

Fizzlepop blushed. Edo covered his eyes with a hand. The scanners floated over, and with a bit of fastening, were fitted snugly to the heads of Edo and Fizzlepop. The wires lead off into the dark corners of the room, surely plugged into any number of readouts outside, as well as recording devices of both their brainwaves and thaumic/noospheric compositions.

“Alright, let’s begin.”

Edo and Fizzle looked at each other. They didn't make further moves. Twilight walked over to sit in another lazyboy sofa, which faced the fireplace as well as the love sofa. She fiddled with her tablet for a moment.

Edo and Fizzleberry didn't make any further moves.

They then avoided eye contact, trying to find the secrets of the universe in the carpets, in the grain of the walls, and in the dancing hands of the fireplace.

In short, it was very, very, awkward, indeed. Twilight continued to fiddle with her tablet. She was very engrossed in it. Yep. Nothing happening.

...

...

...

...

...?

...Twilight?

Twilight looked up from her game.

"Huh?"

They're not... they're not doing the thing.

She looked over at the two, definitely not doing anything resembling science or platonic affection. "Hrm..." she 'hmm'-ed.

"Hum," she hummed.

"Uhuh," she mused.

"They're not doing anything. The camera is rolling, and the recorders are rolling," she noted.

Indeed.

She gestured to Edo and Fizzle, asking, "Hey, mind going through the experiment for me? Nothing too serious. Just some closeness, some hugging, some nuzzling, maybe hoof holding. Be sure to nuzzle both sides of his face, Fizzle."

Edo and Fizzle blinked. Edo coughed.

Twilight rolled her eyes, and her horn lit up. Fizzle fidgeted furiously as she was lifted up in a violet haze, and Edo swiveled onto the couch with some magical assistance. His legs were lifted up onto the cushion, and his head followed onto the edge of the armrest. Then, Fizzle was more-or-less draped over Edo.

Twilight then instructed, "There, that's more like it.” With a giggle, she teased, “Now, try not to kiss each other. It fouls the measurements."

She looked back at her game; collecting gems, or ponies, or trains or whatever.

"It's stamps."

Okay?

Now that things were moving along, Fizzle relaxed her head on Edo's chest. She breathed in and out, as he raised a hand to rest on her back. She lowered her eyes and chuckled.

"You smell like shaving cream," she teased, causing Edo to rub at the smooth half of his face.

"Crap," he cursed, and he inexplicably was swatted in the head by a newspaper.

Tsk, tsk.

Fizzle giggled. "Sounds like a last-minute arrangement," she commented.

Edo sighed, and replied, "Well, yeah. When I got into work today, Doctor Thyme Time zapped my face to have a beard and ordered me to shave half of it off."

Fizzle smiled, and asked, "You ever had a beard before?"

Now, it was Edo's turn to laugh softly. "Nah," he said. "They seem like a lot of work."

He ran his hand through his curly, brown beard, before noticing the way the light of the fire lit up Fizzle's ears, which flicked every so often against the instruments more-or-less taped against her head. He regarded the headset pressing into the back of his head as well, and he shrugged. He stopped scratching his beard and reached. Fizzle’s eyes widened as Edo’s index finger and thumb massaged Fizzle’s equine ears.

Edo saw Fizzle’s expression and stopped. He lifted his hand above her head, eyes wondering what to do.

Fizzle blinked, and said, “No. That... just took me by surprise.” She laughed softly. “No wonder they rave about it,” she continued.

With that bit of reassurance, Edo put his hand back on Fizzle’s head and continued his ministrations. His other hand left where it had been resting on her back, and Edo rubbed Fizzle’s other ear. This continued, and Fizzle sighed heartily.

“This is really nice,” cooed, eyes closed

“Glad to be of assistance,” Edo reported, with a smile on his face.

Then, an obnoxious bell rang out, like an egg-shaped timer.

Twilight put her tablet down. “Ah!” She exclaimed. “That must be the data coming in. It should really be interesting to see pony harmonization models."

With a will, the suction cups and the rubber caps unstuck themselves from Edo and Fizzle and floated off elsewhere. Then, Twilight tapped on her tablet, summoning up the numbers. They told a tale, these numbers, with jargon and patterns familiar only to a select few, like the Princess.

Regarding the numbers, Twilight tried to puzzle together meaning from the figures presented to her but shook her head. She put down the tablet and regarded the duo again.

"So, how was it?"

Edo cleared his throat, and said simply, "It was good."

Meanwhile, Fizzle had more to say about it. "I feel... better now. Like... I'm a foal again."

Twilight and Edo looked at Fizzle with wide eyes for a moment. Twilight furiously tapped on the pad, writing down all the observations, questions, and potential hypotheses her analytical mind could summon.

Edo scratched his half-beard. Fizzle looked at him and smirked.

“Hey, Twilight,” she called out.

Twilight, being interrupted from her science, looked back at Fizzle with an agape mouth, and asked dumbly, “What?”

“I think we still have the other experiment to perform. I think you can participate, too.”

Twilight caught Fizzle’s grin and grinned herself. Edo, stuck between Fizzle and Twilight, was himself caught between grinning and grimacing.

“What’s your hypothesis, Twilight?” asked Fizzle. “Do you think he’s cuddlier with the beard, or without?”

Twilight snickered. “I’m guessing without.”

That raised Fizzle’s eyebrows. “Really?” she asked earnestly. “Imagine how soft a beard can be with the right soaps!”

She looked down to Edo. With a toothy grin, she teased, “Almost as soft as our fur, I think.”

Twilight turned to Edo. “What do you think?” she asked him.

Edo looked to Twilight, then to Fizzle, and then at the ceiling as he let his head sink into the armrest cushion.

Edo sighed, “Oh, I don’t know.” Then, he grinned. “I’m pretty much pinned, anyway.”

With that, Edo the guinea pig took the initiative, hugging Fizzle close, and bringing her face to his. Fizzle took this in stride and began testing her hypothesis in earnest, rubbing her furry cheek against Edo’s hairy one. Her muzzle scrunched, and she pulled away.

Edo looked up at Fizzle, who was looking down at him with an expression of narrowed eyes. “What’s wrong?” he asked. Fizzle jumped off Edo and stood next to Twilight.

With a tittering laugh, Fizzle said, “You really smell like shaving cream. Go–Go wash up.” She gestured with a hoof.

Groaning, Edo stood up, towering over the pony and the ex-villainess, and bowed. “I take my leave,” said the man sarcastically. He departed, going through a door and into a well-lit hallway. As soon as the door closed, Fizzle turned to Twilight.

“You know, we’re going to need more... data points about this whole beard thing.”

Laughing, Twilight said, “Oh, I was planning on it. This was just a start. We’re going to be bringing in females of other races as well. Perhaps even more men to have as... test subjects.”

Fizzle smiled.

“I can’t wait.”

Author's Note

I’m three-quarters fried from the prospect of trying to have the characters discuss this scientifically.

Also, is noosphere pronounced “noahsphere” or “newsphere”?