Part One: The real world, Pedobears, and Mass Effect
Foreword: OK, this is my first attempt at writing humor, and I think I did a decent job. I tried emulating my beta-readers' style of humor while still retaining some originality so expect to see a little offensive humor. This story is rated M for aforementioned Blackburnian humor and some mild drug use(PURE UNCUT COCAINE) so enjoy and let me know if I should continue writing humor or if I should go back to writing sad and dark stories where there's lots of blood and pain and misery and suffering.
Also this story was speed-typed in about three hours and wasn't proofread by anyone anywhere for any reason(actually there is a reason: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK) so there may be some spelling or grammatical errors here or there.
Dropping in
Written by Codename: One
Section One
Real world, Pedobears, and Mass Effect
“So what’s this new plan to get our cutie marks?” Sweetie Belle, Unicorn filly and one of the founders of the Cutie Mark Crusaders asked her friends, Scootaloo and Applebloom, who had apparently thought of a new plan to acquire the cutie marks they had long sought.
“You know that thing we’ve been studying in school? The thing about aliens? Well, me and Applebloom got to thinking maybe we should be professional alien hunters!” Scootaloo exclaimed.
“You think we should be alien hunters? How would we even hunt aliens?” Sweetie Belle inquired.
“Me and Applebloom found this little device that shoots pods, so we thought one of us should crawl inside one of the pods and the other two would shoot the volunteer into alien-ville or whatever” Scootaloo said, a proud smile on her face.
“‘Alien-ville’?” Sweetie Belle said incredulously.
“Or wherever aliens live” Scootaloo replied.
“Well...I don’t know, Scootaloo, it sounds awfully dangerous” Sweetie told her.
“Come on, it’ll be great!” the Pegasus filly declared.
“Alright, I guess I’ll go first” Sweetie Belle volunteered, following her friends outside to the device they found and the accompanying pods.
“Alright, just climb in this and we’ll put you in” Scootaloo gently commanded, Sweetie Belle complying and crawled in one of the small pods, the other two fillies closing it and slipping it down the barrel of the device.
Wait, how am I gonna tell them that I’m ready to-- Sweetie mused, her thoughts cut off when there was a muffled whump and she was sent flying through the sky, not knowing where she’d end up.
Back on the ground Scootaloo and Applebloom watched the pod until it could be seen no more, at which point Applebloom turned to face her friend and asked “hold on, how we supposed ta get Sweetie Belle back now?”
Scootaloo blinked a couple times before looking over at Applebloom and replying with “uhhhh, I don’t know...”
*-*-*
“Ahh, you bastard, why you running around with FMG9’s? Put those bitches down, hoe-bag” Cole, a teenage beast who wrecked bitches faces in Call of Duty said as he sat in his massive leather chair and yelled about how he ‘HAD HEADPHONES!’ and heard people’s footsteps because he ‘HAD HEADPHONES!’ before ranting about how much of an uber-leet MLG pro he was before smoking a bowl and trumping his friends on Facebook with his superior intellect.
He had just finished viciously sodomizing MW3 players of dark-skin(blacks) with his knife and laughing his ass off when they yelled “damn nigga!” every time he stabbed them when a black oval-shaped pod came smashing through his roof and obliterating his piece of shit compute that he had already been planning to throw in the local lake anyway.
“THE FUCK!?” Cole screamed, not even noting the guy in the MW3 lobby who did a 720 spin and quickscoped him with an MSR while raping him with a Type-95 WHILE wrecking his shit with dual FMG9’s all at the same time. Why? Because Call of Duty logic, THAT’S WHY!
The pod opened and out stumbled a little white Unicorn filly with a purple and rose mane, who seemed dazed and confused, most likely from her impact into his computer at terminal velocity.
Cole looked up at his computer monitor which was still playing an episode of Claire Corlett playing Minecraft and yelling about pigs being sex machines.
“Hey, she sounds like me” the little filly commented, looking up at the computer monitor as Claire bumbled about planting wooden planks for her house’s floor.
“How the fuck is the video still playing?” Cole asked, looking down and seeing that his computer had magically healed itself, though it apparently had not upgraded itself in the process as it promptly made that gay noise that everybody fucking hates and the Shockwave: Flash is unresponsive and the Google Chrome Page(s) Unresponsive prompt came up at the same time and nearly gave his computer a heart attack as Microsoft Sam screamed “I CAN’T HANDLE THE STRESS” and the monitor grew arms and a gun and shot the computer tower which caused the computer to explode and then re-heal again, repeating the process for all eternity until Michael Blackburn intervened and decided the story should get on its way even though he’s not writing it.
“Where the hell did you come from, Clai-- er, Sweetie Belle?” Cole asked, earning a confused look from the little filly.
“How’d you know my name?” the Unicorn asked.
“Don’t ask. Want to co-commentate with me an episode of my Youtube series Road to Gold with the M16A4 that I totally didn’t rip off of LeftyOX?” the human said.
“First: what’s a ‘Youtube’? Second: what’s an M16A4? And third: what’s a ‘LeftyOX’?” Sweetie Belle declared.
“A shitty website, a shitty gun in MW3, and a fucking uber-leet MLG pro who stopped being awesome after he stopped posting Call of Duty videos” Cole explained.
“What’s an ‘MW3’ and what’s an ‘uber-leet MLG pro’?”
“Damn, bitch, how many questions you gonna ask? Just sit on this desk supported by hollow legs made of balsa wood that has hundreds of old rusty knives on it and commentate on this video and make me famous on Youtube otherwise I’ll have to jump in that white window-less van that has ‘free internet fame’ written on the side that keeps driving by inhale sharply.”
“Ummm, OK” Sweetie Belle responded.
Cole then spent the next nine hours positioning his camera in front of his TV and hit play on the recorder, getting into a free-for-all in MW3 on the map Terminal and going over his usual cards.
“Hey guys it’s me again, coming at you with another live MW3 FFA gameplay commentary, here I am on the map Terminal with the M16A4 which is the main star of my Road to Gold series. Shout-out time: Russow you’re a fucking cunt for making me do this with the M16A4. Also I have a special guest here, Claire Corlett. Say hi, Claire.”
“Why are you calling me Claire? That’s not my name?” the little pony said.
“Shut up and roll with it; if I call you by your real name they’ll all think I’m fucking crazy...hey I got a notification on Facebook” Cole exclaimed, setting his controller down on the small table next to the table that Sweetie Belle is sitting on, prompting her to grab up the controller with her magic and start playing.
“God damn it, Mitchell, I want that fucking M1911. You give me that shit, hoe-bag” Cole whispered, typing 300000000000000000000000000000000 words a minute because he was such a hoss(yes, hoss) at typing which is strange because his middle-school computer teacher was a retarded fat cow.
Five minutes later and Sweetie Belle piped up, saying “uhhh, mister alien guy... hey, looks like Scootaloo was right in her alien hunter plan...do I have a cutie mark yet?”
“The fuck you talking ‘bout, Claire?” Cole asked, turning back from his computer and seeing that she was playing the game.
“DA FAQ, BRAH?!!!!1!?/!!” Cole yelled, scooting back over and snatching up the controller.
“What? I was just curious. Also, I got you 19 ‘MOABs’... Not sure what those are but when I pressed a random button there was a beeping sound and a countdown timer and the screen said ‘XXXL33t420quickscopezzzXXX’ left the game” Sweetie explained.
“19 MOABs? Gimme dat shit, bitch!” Colle yelled, snatching up the controller which had re-appeared in her hooves again somehow, hitting the left arrow on the D-pad 9000 times to call in those MOABs.
After the match everyone in the lobby sent him messages like “ZOMG11!!!111223000!!!./p385765! U R SOOOOOO GAAAYYY HAKER!!!”
Cole laughed his ass off, and then smoked a bowl.
*-*-*
Later that night Cole was fapping on the internet to concept art of the Master Chief in Halo 4 while Sweetie Belle played Call of Duty in the same room and screamed at Type-95 bozos in the game lobby because Cole had taught her the ways of Xbox live: claim to have a massive penis, a hot girlfriend with size 35 DDDDDDD tits and tell everyone you’re an uber-l33t boss at the game while cursing a lot.
The Unicorn filly had then gotten 10000 friend and dating requests on XBL just for being a girl(albeit a 9 year old girl...fucking pedophiles.)
Just then Sweetie Belle yawned and turned to face Cole, not even caring about his blatant fapping and saying “alright, I think I’ve had enough here. Can you send me back to Ponyville?”
“Bitch, I don’t even know how the hell you got here anyway” Cole replied, moaning the Master Chief’s name while jizzing all over the computer screen which had the Chief in a provocative pose while wearing his armor and a caption saying “draw me like one of your French girls.”
Goddamn the Master Chief is sexy as shit.
“Besides, you’ve only just played CoD. You still need to crash jets in to helicopters in Battlefield 3 and then plant C4 on tanks and then you have to run around in Halo 3 lunging 100000000000 feet to stab a bitch with the energy sword because you can’t do that in Halo: Reach because that game fucking sucks dick for that and a myriad of other reasons” Cole told her.
“Can you just please send me home? I’m tired of ‘raping’ everybody in Call of Duty, even though it’s been kind of entertaining. Though their screams of anger kind of scare me when I ‘shit on them’ with an M16A4 and they’re using FMG9’s” the little filly explained.
“Shit, that sounds beast. Let me check your KD” Cole requested, grabbing the controller and looking at his stats, seeing his KD had gone up to 30.1 and he had 20000 wins in Domination.
He then grabbed a PlayCOD magazine and jizzed all over a picture of Captain Price pressing an M16A4 against a brick wall and licking the barrel.
“Why do you keep doing that? It looks gross” Sweetie Belle commented.
“It’s fucking awesome, trust me” the human replied, tossing the magazine on the floor where it then exploded like a firecracker, Master Shake and the other Aqua Teens peeking in his window for a second afterwards.
“Look, I can send you away, but I can’t send you back to Ponyville. You’re going to have to travel from place to place in hopes that you’ll eventually get back to Ponyville” Cole explained.
“Well...OK, where are you sending me?” Sweetie asked, looking up at the human.
“Fuck if I know, I’m not the one writing this shit.”
Sweetie Belle then disappeared, and Cole went back to fapping to pictures of the Master Chief while wrecking bitches in Call of Duty.
*-*-*
When Sweetie Belle re-materialized out of thin air she landed hard on her rump, causing her to cry out in pain and stand up and rub at it to soothe the pain.
She then looked up and saw hundreds of bears with weird faces running at her on their hindlegs out of some kind of forest.
“Da fuck?!” Sweetie Belle yelled, having been taught by Cole that it was the most appropriate response when confused by strange and unusual scenarios.
Suddenly a little human girl in a pink skirt walked up and started mowing down the bears with a giant fucking machine gun.
“Hey, who are you? Why are those bears running on their hindlegs?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Fucking Pedobears, they’re all over this damn forest!” the girl screamed, continuing to shred the bears as they came out.
“What is wrong with all these places I keep going to?!” Sweetie yelled, her sweet little voice squeaking and making dozens of the bears jizz themselves to death because she was so deliciously young.
“Bitch sit down while I blast all these perverted fucks!” the little girl yelled, a bunch of the Pedobears drawing closer and revealing that their dicks were fully erect at the sight of two little girls.
“Ewww, gross” Sweetie Belle declared, turning away and plopping down behind the little girl while she sprayed thousands of bullets out of her machine gun and killed millions of Pedobears.
I think this is what Cole was talking about when he yelled ‘cocksucking cunt with the fucking OP Type-95’ Sweetie Belle thought.
“Ummmm, can you send me to Ponyville?” Sweetie Belle inquired, curiously watching the girl as he mowed down the Pedobears who seemed to be coming out of nowhere by the thousands.
“No, I need to stay here and prevent these sick bastards from raping any more innocent girls” the human screamed.
Sweetie Belle whimpered adorably and pouted while putting on her best set of doe eyes.
It was a mistake.
The Pedobears went into a frenzy, their penises growing completely erect and throbbing violently as they galloped on all fours for Sweetie Belle, with the girl desperately attempting to hold them off.
“RUN, GET OUT OF HERE!! SAVE YOURSELF SO THAT YOU MAY ONE DAY EXPERIENCE THE JOYS OF CONSENSUAL INTERCOURSE!!!” the little girl thundered, snatching up Sweetie Belle and throwing her into space like a shotput before getting overrun by Pedobears who then viciously raped her.
*-*-*
Sweetie Belle once again materialized out of thin air and fell to the ground, leaving her wondering as to why she always had to pop out in mid-air.
Hopefully I’m back in Ponyville now Sweetie Belle thought, standing up and turning around seeing another human snorting what appeared to be sugar off a table next to a massive alien that had a bunch of scars on the right side of his face.
“Ummm, excuse me...” Sweetie said, taking a step toward the human who reared his head back and collapsed to the floor, grunting and yelling “I’m Commander Shepard and PURE UNCUT COCAINE!!!!”
Sweetie Belle was still lost in weird places with weird people.
“If you’ll excuse me Shepard I need Tali to go calibrate my dick” the massive alien said, turning and walking away.
“Sure thing, Garrus, I’ll just go rape Specialist Traynor and then feed her to Kelly Chambers’ vagina” the human stated.
“Didn’t Cole call one of those ‘camping faggots’ a vagina? I don’t remember...” Sweetie Belle trailed off before re-focusing her attention on the human. “Uh, excuse me, can you help me get back to Ponyville?”
“DA FUQ?! A talking Pony? Am I really THAT high?!” Shepard yelled, snorting more blow off the table.
“Can you please help me get back to Ponyville?” the Unicorn filly pleaded, hopping up on a couch next to the human.
The Commander sobered right the fuck up and threw the remaining coke at Ashley Williams, who started crying about ‘trusting the Commander’ and other stupid fucking shit nobody cared about but had to deal with because Ash was so goddamned insecure about a man she worked with for years who then DIED and was brought back to life by the only fucking people who gave a shit about humans disappearing on the edges of space while Ash was bumbling about doing jack shit because the Alliance decided that jerking off over the idea of taking down Cerberus was a better plan than going out and STOPPING THE FUCKING ALIEN BASTARDS THAT WERE KIDNAPPING ENTIRE FUCKING COLONIES AND MELTING THE INHABITANTS DOWN TO MAKE A GIANT FUCKING REAPER THAT LOOKED LIKE THE GODDAMN TERMINATOR WITHOUT HIS SKIN.
Shepard then snorted more blow to deal with the raging stupidity of Ashley and the Alliance.
“Look, I have to fly around the galaxy and beg and plead on my knees to get alien races to help us fight the Reapers and maybe even blow a few aliens just to get their help when I should just be Renegade interrupting them with a fucking headshot from my Carnifex but instead I have to do that stupid shit to blow up a bunch of bitches that should’ve been dealt with years ago.... Can you help me stop the Reapers? I’ll blow you!” Commander Shepard exclaimed, throwing himself to the deck and kissing Sweetie Belle’s hooves.
Sweetie blushed and said “uhh, thanks but you don’t need to kiss my hooves, can you just please help me get home? I’ve been shot around three different places already and have met the weirdest people in my whole damn life and I don’t think I can handle any more.”
“I don’t know, what do you think, Joker?” Shepard asked, looking up at the ceiling.
“We might be able to shoot her through a Mass Relay, but that will have to wait until after EDI finishes giving me a blowjob via her sexy robot body” Joker responded.
“This unit has an advantage over organic females in that it is not bound by moral constrictions, so I may fellate Jeff while getting railed up my anal simulation port by James, who seems to be doing steroids while fucking me and rambling about how he doesn’t want to get deported” EDI said over the loudspeaker.
“Great, keep me posted... Wait, WHAT?!” Shepard yelled, the comm system suddenly shutting off.
“I’ll deal with them later; in the meantime we need to find a way to shoot you through a Mass Relay” Commander Shepard said.
“If it’ll get me home then I don’t care what I have to do” the Unicorn filly replied, hopping off the couch and following the Commander to an elevator which took them up to the Commander’s cabin.
Well he seems kind of normal; maybe this place won’t be as strange as the last two Sweetie Belle thought, stepping into the Commander’s cabin and seeing candles lit everywhere and thousads of cylindrical things on the walls that looked like the penises those Pedobears had.
Sweetie Belle shuddered in disgust.
“So, how do you like it?” Shepard inquired.
“How do I like what? The room? It’s gross” Sweetie Belle replied, not even noting the fishtank behind her filled with semen instead of water.
“No, I mean FUCK. How do you like FUCK?” the Commander responded, putting extra emphasis on ‘fuck’.
“Some ‘PP90 bitch’ I played against earlier yelled ‘fuck’ when I killed him with a USP from across the map in MW3, so I guess I kinda like ‘fuck.’” Sweetie stated.
“Great! Get on the bed” Shepard ordered, stepping into the bathroom while the little Unicorn attempted to climb up on the massive bed.
She had just accomplished her goal when Commander Shepard came out of the bathroom wearing an unusual leather suit with spikes and a zipper over the mouth.
“Hey baby, I need to be punished” Shepard declared, Sweetie’s jaw dropping to the floor.
“What the hell are you wearing?!” Sweetie Belle squeaked, confused and afraid of what the Commander was wearing.
The human didn’t answer but instead grabbed a riding crop and tossed it to Sweetie Belle, commanding her to spank him.
“Why would someone want to be spanked? Getting spanked hurts...” Sweetie trailed off, pouting a little.
“Not for me” Shepard responded, grabbing one of the dildos off the wall.
“Look, mister Shepard, I don’t feel comfortable doing this. Can you just please send me home? I just wanna go home” the Unicorn filly whimpered, starting to cry from frustration and fear of being sent to weird and scary places.
“Hey, hey, it’s OK baby. Look, I’ll send you on your way but I can’t guarantee it’ll send you back to your home. What is your home?” Shepard asked, sitting on the bed and comforting the filly.
“Ponyville, Equestria” Sweetie answered, wiping her eyes and looking up at the Commander.
“OK, I’ll send you through a relay soon” Shepard responded, hugging the filly tight who returned the gesture, the two of them sharing a tender moment together despite the Commander’s gimp suit.
...
“Wanna blow me?” Shepard asked, pulling away from the hug.
“Goddamnit, Shepard!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.
“Alright, alright. Let’s just shoot you through a relay” the Commander stated, standing from the bed and getting back into his normal outfit before the two of them proceeded down to the shuttle bay.
“Ey, ese, don’t deport me, ya? I got my greencard and everything, pendejo!” James said when the Commander stepped out of the elevator.
“James, the Alliance doesn’t care if you’re an illegal immigrant, they’ve got bigger issues like the fucking Reapers” Shepard told him.
“Hey, Commander, my husband died from Collectors and I’ve told you this a hundred times already but I’m going to tell you again because I’m trying to look lonely and vulnerable so you’ll sleep with me... HI!” Cortez announced as he approached Shepard.
“I’ll just hook you up with Kaidan because he’s a romance option for males now apparently despite being straight in the first game” the Commander responded.
“Commander, do you want to play basketball while I talk about our fallen empire and how powerful we were?” Javik asked as he walked out of a dark corner.
“The fuck were you doing there, Javik?” Shepard inquired.
“Waiting for the opportune moment to strike and steal your wallet and car” the Prothean soldier who was really a black guy at heart explained.
“Save the thievery for later; right now we gotta send this little Unicorn through a mass relay in an attempt to send her home” the human Naval officer said.
“Ah, I remember her kind when they were foals” Javik stated, scrutinizing Sweetie Belle very closely.
“Really?” Shepard asked.
“No, I made that up. You humans will believe anything. What I meant to say was I spent my early twenties spying on little girls at an orphanage for kids who had lost their parents to Reapers who raped them” the Prothean explained.
“Sick. Just stick Sweetie Belle into James’ rectum so we can safely shoot them through the nearest relay” Shepard commanded.
“Hey, pendejo, don’t touch my ass! That’s where I keep the cocaine I run over the border!” James protested as Javik approached with Sweetie Belle in hand.
“We’re not even in America or Mexico, James” Shepard reminded him as Javik ripped out 100 tons of PURE UNCUT COCAINE and shoved Sweetie Belle in.
“Alright, shoot ‘em out” Shepard said, dropping the hatch which sucked out James with Sweetie Belle inside and sent them flying into a mass relay which shot them through the universe.
“Where does that relay even go, primitive?” Javik inquired, turning to face the Commander.
“Fuck if I know, it hasn’t been charted yet” Shepard answered, turning back and snorting some more PURE UNCUT COCAINE.
*-*-*
PURE UNCUT COCAINE!!!!
...Sorry.
Part Two: Halo, Call of Duty, and home
Section Two
Halo, Call of Duty, and home
For the umpteenth time in a row Sweetie Belle dropped in out of thin air as James’ body apparently disintegrated for reasons unknown to her.
Looking around Sweetie Belle saw some hills and a few trees, along with a small canyon that snaked in between some rather large hills and a few structures nearby.
“Well if I am back in Equestria I’m sure as shit not in Ponyville” Sweetie commented, wishing she was just back with her friends or at the very least back with Cole, he seemed to be the most normal of the people she’s met in the past two hours.
Maybe the people here will be more normal the little Unicorn thought, hearing the revving of some kind of engine as a strange land vehicle came roaring out of the little canyon.
“What the fuck is that?” Sweetie wondered out loud, staring in awe as the vehicle rolled to a stop right in front of her and a massive dude hopped out, Sweetie Belle recognizing him as--
“HI, I’M THE MASTER CHIEF, AND I FUCK HOLOGRAMS!” the massive human shouted, with a little transparent blue girl appearing next to the Chief’s head and dancing provocatively on a pole.
Ugghhh Sweetie mused, still frustrated at being lost in fucking weird places.
“Alright, so what stupid shit am I gonna have to deal with to get on the next place? As long as it isn’t a bitch with dual FMG9’s I’ll be OK” Sweetie Belle declared.
“No dual FMG9’s here, just a super-accurate pistol that kills in three rounds that everyone abuses like there’s no fucking tomorrow...wait, this is Halo 3, not Halo: Reach-around, so you’ll be OK because this game is actually fucking balanced and fun” the Chief explained.
“Great, can you send me home to Ponyville?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“DOES PONYVILLE HAVE HOLOGRAPHIC PROSTITUTES I CAN FUCK UP THE ASS?!” the Master Chief bellowed.
“Ummm, no” the little Unicorn answered.
“DAMN! CORTANA, HOLD MY DICK!” the Chief ordered, the little blue transparent chick reappeared next to the Chief’s groin and Sweetie watched as a bunch of plates moved out of the way allowing for a veiny green penis with an orange head which matched his armor and visor color respectively to come out.
“Ewww, gross” Sweetie Belle commented.
“Alright, so what crazy shit am I gonna have to do to move on to the next place?” Sweetie asked, growing to accept the fact that she would most likely have to go through several more ridiculous places.
“Nothing, ‘cause I don’t have anymore jokes. Get the fuck out of my universe” the Master Chief commanded, kicking Sweetie Belle like a football into her next destination.
*-*-*
Sweetie Belle popped out yet again in another universe and landed hard on her rump...again, sighing in pain and standing up to properly survey her surroundings.
“Hey, I recognize this place, it’s the map Fallen from MW3...but wait, that means-- Oh shit!” Sweetie Belle screamed, throwing herself to the ground as 500 dudes jumped out of nowhere and all started doing 360 spins while trying to quickscope each other.
Before any of them could kill each other one guy with the Type-95 walked in and shot all 500 of them with just one burst from the gun because it was such a fucking rapist cannon and allowing him to get 250 MOABs which he called in but didn’t kill anybody with them because another dude pulled out a PP90 and akimbo FMG9’s and shot all the MOABs in mid-air because he was such a fucking uber-l33t boss at the game which is obvious because his gamer-tag was XXXL33t420quickscopezzzXXX.
The guy who called in the MOABs, whose gamer-tag was Xx720ThrowinKnifexX, then rage quit the game and went on Twitter and yelled at Robert Bowling for preventing him from getting kills with his MOABs even though it wasn’t Robert’s fault nor was he even a part of the CoD team anymore.
“OK, all I have to do is find an M16A4 and a knife and then I can shit on all these fuckers and get out of here and hopefully get home” Sweetie Belle said to herself, scrambling to her hooves and galloping away as the 500 dudes respawned and tried to quickscope each other again while the PP90 whore ran around and wrecked them all.
Sweetie Belle snuck into the one apartment that every camps in near the vehicle scrapyard at the back of the map and found a weirdo dry-humping an M16A4 while dildoing himself in the ass with a CoD knife, making him jizz all over the stock of the M16 and collapse onto the floor.
Sweetie Belle snatched the gun up which was apparently smoking a cigarette via its barrel and walked outside with it and the knife, annihilating everyone in the lobby including the 500 quickscopers, PP90/FMG9 whore, and the random bozo with a Type-95 using only the M16A4 and knife she picked up.
She had gone 75 and 0 in the lobby and gotten 2 MOABs and was about to call in the third which would send her home when suddenly there was a blinding flash of light and Captain Price descended from the sky holding a gold Intervention with Stopping Power and 10 sensitivity.
“Holy freaking CRAP!” Sweetie Belle yelled when the MOAB landed on Captain Price and didn’t do anything to him; in fact the MOAB did the exact opposite and killed Sweetie Belle, who respawned and prepared for the craziest battle of her life.
BOSS: CAPTAIN PRICE
Sweetie Belle vaulted out of the window of the apartment where the dude who fucked the M16 was still passed out and ran for the grassy courtyard where Captain Price was flying around 360 quickscoping Sweetie Belle and wrecking her shit.
Watching the KillCam Sweetie Belle saw his setup: Sleight of Hand, Stopping Power(which wasn’t even in MW3) boosting his 98 damage to 130 meaning his Intervention would be an instant kill no matter where he shot Sweetie Belle and his third-tier perk was Commando(which also wasn’t even in MW3 but it’s fucking Captain Price so whatever.) As for his weapon proficiency Price was running Impact which means equal damage through objects so even if Sweetie Belle was behind a wall it would still be an instant kill, and with Price running wall-hacks and aimbot Sweetie would have no chance against him.
Wait, he’s running Stopping Power(somehow) and SoH instead of Blind Eye and Assassin...I have some UAVs and Helicopters saved up from the raping of those bozos so maybe they’ll help me take him out Sweetie thought, taking a breather for a moment after she got quickscoped through three walls to come up with a plan.
Sweetie Belle suited up and camo-painted her face, vaulting out of the window of the apartment once again and running behind a car and calling in a UAV and a Cobra, which Price quickscoped and blew up instantly before throwing a knife and ricocheting it off nine things before it hit Sweetie Belle.
I don’t know how or why I keep respawning, like I know this is Call of Duty but this is in reality, so how am I respawning?
The little Unicorn couldn’t answer her own question, and instead decided she would have to swap the M16A4 for another gun.
Running outside into the overgrown alleyway Sweetie Belle found a pile of Type-95s and a wounded CoD player, who said “take ‘em, you’ll need them more than me...remember my KD...HUUURRK! BLAAAAAAAGH.”
He was dead.
“Can’t you just respawn?” Sweetie Belle asked, the answer to her question coming in the form of the feed saying “every fucking player left the game.”
It was just her, Captain Price, and the dude passed out in the apartment who wasn’t doing anything.
Sweetie Belle took a Type-95 and a set of FMG9’s and replaced her frag grenade with a throwing knife and ran across the map to get to the grassy courtyard where Captain Price was waiting for her with his Intervention, attempting to quickscope her and missing as he put rounds on him with the Type-95, feeling kind of dirty for even holding the weapon let alone using it.
I have no choice, it’s either this or lose and be forced to live the rest of my life flying through dimensions meeting fucking weird people Sweetie Belle thought, reloading her Type-95(which had Rapid Fire and a red-dot sight on it) and popping up and dumping rounds into Captain Price.
I need fucking Scavenger ‘cause I’m running out of ammo Sweetie thought.
Captain Price flew over her and did 1080 spin and drag-shotted the little Unicorn so hard that she swore he was firing a constant laser beam from his Intervention.
Sweetie Belle respawned in the apartment and said “damn, how am I supposed to beat this guy? Two more deaths and I’ll be stuck travelling the universe forever.”
Price no-scoped her through five buildings, bringing her down to one life.
It was over for her.
Just then the dude in the apartment woke up and yelled “SWEETIE BELLE?!”
“Cole?! You were the one who fucked my M16A4?” the Unicorn filly exclaimed.
“Yes, where is it! What are you doing here, anyway?” Cole asked, crouching down as Price spun in circles in the background trying to quickscope them and missing...somehow.
“I had to ditch the M16 for this Type-95 because I couldn’t kill Price with it” Sweetie explained.
“DA FAQ, BRAH?! We NEED that M16, it’s special to me!” the human declared, confusing Sweetie Belle.
“Why? Don’t you always have it in your Custom Class titled ‘Assault’ which you totally didn’t rip off of Battlefield 3 besmirching its good name in the process?” the Unicorn said.
“Shush, they don’t need to know that. But you need to know this, Sweetie Belle: no matter what you do in life you must remember that you can do well with bad guns in Call of Duty and you must never sell out and pick up this bitch-device” Cole explained, snatching up the Type-95 and eating it because it was Chinese and therefore was shit...though he’ll probably get lead poisoning because the paint is a 100% lead based.
“Drop those FMG9’s too and take me to where you dropped the M16” Cole requested, the two of them running out of the building and Sweetie leading him to the overgrown alley.
“I’M GONNA FIND YOU, YA MUPPETS!” Price yelled.
“Shit, you’re fighting Captain Price? Then you definitely need this M16A4” the uber-leet player stated.
“But when I used it I couldn’t hit anything except the walls around him” Sweetie protested.
“That’s what we call lag; some dipshit in the game lobby was probably leeching the WiFi signal from his local WalMart and the game gave him host because Robert Bowling is a fucking loser douchebag.”
“So what makes this M16 so special to you anyway?” Sweetie inquired.
“One, I just had sex with it, so now I have to take it to dinner. And two, it ties back into the lesson I just gave you: no matter how beast a CoD player is doing using OP weapons and just generally being a douchebag you will always be the better player for handicapping yourself with a piece of shit gun” Cole told her.
“So the lesson is be a noble and fair player by using the shittist weapon in the game? How are you talking to me, anyway?” the filly stated.
“Apparently you got sent into the CoD universe so I just got into this free-for-all on Fallen and you were here. So instead of fighting the 500 quickscopers I just had sex with my M16. So I’m playing the game which you are now in, apparently, and I’m just talking to you via my Turtle Beach X32’s, which I paid 100$ for” Cole answered.
“Alright, let’s go get this bastard!” Sweetie exclaimed, rushing outside with Cole and sprinting for the grassy courtyard and beginning the true fight against Captain Price.
“So what’s his setup?” Cole inquired, taking cover behind a wall and handing Sweetie Belle akimbo .44 Magnums which were fucking rapist cannons.
“Just read a couple paragraphs back and you’ll know” Belle answered.
...
“Shit, I didn’t know Price was such a hacker whore. Well let’s just be grateful that Soap died in the campaign(spoilers for the win) otherwise we’d be fucking boned” Cole said.
Cole then stood and got 360 quickscoped by Price, yelling “AARRGHH!” and then respawned right next to Sweetie Belle.
“I hate to say it but I don’t think we’re gonna survive this... Well, I will because I’m not in the game like it’s the fucking Matrix but I think you’re screwed Sweetie Belle” Cole told her.
“I don’t want to be screwed, I just want to go home!” Sweetie screamed, breaking and down and full-blown crying as Price came in slowly with the Jaws theme playing in the background as he prepared to dramatically 360 quickscope them both with one bullet.
Suddenly some black dude appeared out of nowhere and before Captain Price quickscoped him he screamed “TACTICAL NUKE INCOMING!”
“Shit” Cole commented, ducking down as Price went crazy with the Intervention.
“Is that bad?” Sweetie asked, concerned for their safety.
“Very. The MOABs are fucking worthless by comparison. Tac nuke’s are the fucking end-all in CoD...”
“Listen to me, Sweetie Belle, you need to get out of here before that nuke comes in and kills all of us” Cole said to her.
“But you’ll be OK, right? I mean it’s just a game in your world, right?” Sweetie said, her eyes starting to water up and her bottom lip beginning to quiver; despite only knowing Cole very briefly she was still concerned for his safety.
“No, the MW2 nuke was a fucking super-weapon. It could kill people across different maps, lobbies, and servers...and games apparently. It was so powerful Robert Bowling took it out and replaced it with the pussy MOAB in this game. When this nuke lands I will most definitely not be OK” Cole explained.
“B-but...” Sweetie started to say, about to start crying hard.
“I’m sorry, Sweetie, but this is the way it has to be” Cole responded, slamming his M16A4 down on its stock at which point it turned into a 21st century Excalibur and became super-charged, shooting a portal into the sky which opened up into Equestria; Sweetie Belle could see the CMC clubhouse through the portal.
“We’ve only got one shot at this, Sweetie Belle, so let’s make it count” Cole declared, grabbing Sweetie Belle and kissing her on the forehead.
“Good luck, Mister Cole. Even though I’ve only known you for a very short time and in that time you seemed to be very weird I’ve learned that you’re actually a really nice guy...I love you, you’re a good friend” the little Unicorn filly confessed.
Cole smiled and said “I love you, too, Sweetie Belle... Goodbye.”
The human cocked his arm back and threw Sweetie Belle hard into the sky where she careened right through the portal which closed just as the tactical nuke landed, obliterating everything on the map including Captain Price, whose quickscoping skills just couldn’t save him from the fucking uber-l33t beast that was the MW2 nuke.
Oh, and Cole got fucking wrecked too.
*-*-*
“It’s been two hours, Scootaloo. Maybe we should tell somepony ‘bout Sweetie Belle” Applebloom said, her and Scootaloo still standing outside the clubhouse next to the cannon they launched Sweetie Belle out of.
“But we’ll get in trouble!” Scootaloo yelled, fear behind her eyes: both for getting in trouble and for Sweetie Belle.
“I know, Scootaloo! But I’m scared about Sweetie Belle! Somepony needs to know” Applebloom replied.
Before the two of them could argue about it further a weird portal opened above them, briefly allowing them to see some kind of grassy courtyard before Sweetie Belle fell through the portal and it closed with a bright flash.
“Oww!” Sweetie cried out as she landed on her rump next to them.
“SWEETIE BELLE!” Scootaloo and Applebloom shouted in unison, rushing over and hugging her tightly.
“Girls, I’m so happy to see you!” Sweetie Belle yelled back, returning the hug and exhaling in happiness.
“Where did you even go, anyway? You were gone for two hours!” Scootaloo exclaimed.
“It’s a long story, girls. I’ll tell you all about it after I take a nap” Sweetie promised them.
“A nap?” Scootaloo scoffed. “What are you, a little baby?”
“Bitch, don’t make me rape you with an M16” Sweetie Belle responded with a devious smirk, climbing up into the clubhouse and crawling into her sleeping bag, wondering where Cole might be at this moment and hoping that he’s OK.
He isn’t.
*-*-*
PURE UNCUT COCAINE!!!
End of story, let me know what you think.
