Celestia was a human

by Rambling Tree

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Human
Length: 2166

Discord kidnaps a human and launches her into the sun. Comedy!

What if Celestia started out as a boring everyday human like you or me?
Than through no fault of her own is dragged away from her life by one very annoying Discord to start over in a new one.

Regardless of her opinion.

Rated "Teen" for bad pick up lines.

Published 2018-07-05 07:50:13 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-05 07:50:13 UTC

Hilarity optional

In a tiny bar somewhere on the west coast of the united states a woman with frizzy, untamed red hair pulled back into a ponytail sat alone. She nursed a drink in the crowded room and wore comfortable and practical clothes.

A few seats down she caught a man sidling up to her at the edge of her vision. He was impeccably dressed in a silk vest suit with steely gray hair and goatee. The smile on his face said he was definitely up to no good and she immediately disliked him as soon as he opened his mouth. “Is it hot in here? Or is it just you.” he said with an obnoxiously cheerful voice.

“Not interested.” she said, glaring straight ahead at the bottles behind the bar.

“Did the sun come out? Or did you just smile at me?” he continued, undaunted.

She glared at him. Everything about him set her nerves on edge. “Please stop.”

He didn’t stop. “Are you religious? Because your the answer to all my prayers.” he leaned in close and leered at her with a smug grin.

“Go away.” she snarled and pushed him away. “I am not INTERESTED!”

His grin only grew in degrees of smug. “I may not be a genie but I can make all your dreams come true.”

“That’s it!” She slapped her palms down on the counter, stood and walked away.

“I can make you a little hoarse. You know, from all screaming you’ll be doing when I-” He didn’t get to finish as she turned and socked him right in the jaw.

His head snapped back from the force of the blow and he fell backwards against the counter.

“Leave me alone you creep!” She shouted and stomped out of the bar. The other patrons wisely scrambling to get out of her way. Most of them shot him a glare after she left.

“Was it something I said?” he asked them with an irritating smirk.

The woman stalked through the dimly lit parking lot with her hands balled into tight fists and ponytail puffed up like the tail of an angry cat. “I hate this town.” she griped while fishing her keys out of her pocket. “Fucking weirdo’s every last one them.”

She slammed the door shut as she sat down in the driver seat. A moment later she was traveling down the road. Headlights cutting through the darkness. She sighed in relief. Thankful to be alone once again.

“Hey.” the woman nearly jumped out of her skin and swerved into the opposite lane. She frantically swerved back. Narrowly avoiding the pair of oncoming headlights honking madly at her.

“What the fuck!” She shouted at the figure now suddenly occupying the empty passenger seat. “You almost got me killed you ass! How are you even here?”

He stroked his goatee. “Lifted truck, Flannel shirt, hunting rifle and fishing pole in the back window? My dear if i didn't know any better i'd say you were the outdoorsy type.” he reached over to the radio and turned it on. “Ahha! And country music too. Your not even trying are you?”

The woman slammed on her brakes and came to a tire screeching and jarring halt on the side of the road. “Are you even listening to me?”

He opened the glove box and started going through her documents. “Celeste huh? That’s a pretty name.

She snatched the papers out of his hands.

“Rude.” He commented with a frown.

“Out!” She hollered while pointing madly at the passenger door. “Get out!”

“I couldn’t possibly do that. We’re just getting acquainted after all.” He said with a half lidded stare and placid smile.

“Now!”

“My names Discord by the way. I can just tell we’re going to be the best of friends.”

She growled and gripped the steering wheel tight enough to make it creak.

“Your turning a very lovely shade of red.” Discord commented.

“What do you want?” She asked through gritted teeth.

“Ah! So glad you asked. You see I’ve come to make you a very generous offer.”

“Not interested.” she said.

“How would you like to be a princess?” Discord asked.

“That’s it. I’m going to kill you.” She grabbed the rifle off the rack.

Discord tisked and snapped his fingers.

Celeste blinked spots out of her eyes from the flash of light and looked incredulously at the bouquet of flowers she was now holding instead. ”What?”

“For me? You shouldn’t have.” Discord said with sickening over the top sweetness.

She glared at him with fire in her eyes. Any lesser man would have immolated on the spot. Or at least thought very carefully about their next choice of words. “What did you do?”

“You should be thanking me. Guns are very dangerous after all.” Discord smirked with the sort of self satisfied glee that made others want to punch you. Repeatedly.

Celeste threw the flowers in his face and grabbed her fishing pole. “Don’t!” She emphasized every word by whipping him across the face. “Fuck!” Thwack. “With.” Thwack. “A!” Thwack. “Girls!” Thwack.

Discord had his arms up trying to fend off the thin fiberglass pole as he spoke his own words after every hit. “Stop!” Thwack ”Ow!” Thwack. “Hey!” Thwack. “Enough!” Discord snapped his fingers.

Celeste’s world went up in a flash of light.

And immediately deposited her into a school desk that was a just a little bit too small to be comfortable. “Gun?” She finished to the empty room around her. There was a large teacher’s desk at the front with a blackboard behind it. A regular classroom just like the ones she remembered from her own school days.

A door opened and she did a double take. Had that been there before? “So sorry I’m late.” the strange and infuriating man said as he entered at a harried pace with a large stack of books and paperwork in his arms. The only difference in his apparel being the thick framed glasses perched precariously on his nose that magnified his red and yellow eyes to a ridiculous degree.

Celeste felt a sense of satisfaction seeing the red welts across his face and forearms. She schooled her smirking expression into a deadpan look and folded her arms. “Did you just kidnap me? Am I being kidnapped right now?” She tried to stand but the too small desk refused to budge.

Discord drops the armload of papers and books onto the teacher's desk and rubs one of the marks on his arm. “That really hurt you know!”

“Good.” She replied. “Answer the question.”

Discord huffed and adjusted his glasses. “I prefer the term ‘enforced vacation’.” he said while making air quotes.

“That’s the same thing!” Celeste shouts and bangs her fist on the desk.

“Than yes. I did abduct you miss Belle.

“That’s not my last name!”

Discord made no reply as he grabbed onto a string hanging over the blackboard and pulled down the standard projector screen that every classroom seemed to have. He than sat at his desk and started going through the papers. Like any good teacher would.

The lights dimmed and the sound of a projector started up behind her. Soon a square projection of light appeared on the screen that than switched to a set of numbers counting down.

Except they didn't count down so much as appear randomly. “This is stupid.” She said after a 'negative one' flashed on the screen. Followed by ten to the hundredth and than the square root of positive zero. “Really stupid.”

Discord frowned at her. “Patience Mrs. Bethe.”

She re-folded her arms and glared. “Still not my name. Your lucky I'm stuck to this desk.”

Finally the countdown reaches zero and switched to a black and white projection of discord sans glasses sitting at the same desk he was now. He was presumably looking into a mirror that was off screen and touching up his appearance. He glanced towards the camera as muffled words played. “Oh we’re recording already?” He cleared his throat and adjusted his tie. Than picked up a stack of flash cards and started shuffling through them. “Lets see...Ah here we go.” He set down the stack and seemed to look directly at her. “”You have chosen or been chosen…no that’s not right.” he picked up a flash card and tossed it behind him. Then proceeded to go through the deck again.

Celeste began tap tapping her desk with a bored expression on her face.

“No.” another card went flying. “No.” and another. “No. No. No. No.” Cards went flying into the air in rapid succession before he finally just chucked the whole stack upwards. “Who wrote these?” he asked while it rained flashcards around him.

“I did.” The Discord in the classroom replied absently with his nose stuck in a book. He licked the pad of his finger and turned a page.

“Well, your fired.” the Discord in the projection said.

Classroom Discord snorted derisively. “You can’t fire me. I’m you!”

“Than I quite.” Projector Discord said and stuck out his tongue.

Celeste watched the exchange with a bemused expression. “I have to admit that’s a pretty neat trick. You certainly went all out on this.”

“What’s she talking about?” the Discord on the screen asked while pointing at her.

Celeste’s mind briefly took another turn into Whatsville. Population “What?”

The one in the room with her rolled his eyes. “Ms. Belle thinks your a recording.”

“Again, not my name.” Celeste frowned.

“Oh.” The discord on the screen hesitated for a moment with a worried expression. “Am I just a recording?” He tugged at his vest. “I mean I feel real.”

“Would it matter if you were?” Classroom Discord asked.

Projection Discord got a far away look in his eyes. “How would I know? Am i just a set of prerecorded actions on a screen? Forced to play out the same thing for all eternity.” He looked at the room around him. “If I went off screen would I cease to exist? Would I die? Is there an aferlife? Will it hurt? I have to know.” He stood and walked off camera. The projector died as soon as he did and the lights returned to normal.

Discord took his glasses off and set them aside as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. “That’s the third one this week.”

Celeste shrugged. ”Sorry?”

“Okay!” Discord stood and clapped his hands. The sudden sound caused Celeste to jump in her seat. “So what if you punched me for no reason?”

Celeste arched an eyebrow. “There was a reason. It’s called being an asshole.”

“So what if you were going to shoot me.” Discord continued without acknowledging her with a frayed, unhinged look that screamed ‘mental patient’.

Celeste leaned backwards as far as she could. Unconsciously trying to put distance between them. “I wouldn’t have hit anything vital.”

“So what if you hit me with a fishing pole.”

“You deserved it.”

“So what if the orientation didn’t go so well. Who needs explanations and reasons anyway? Those are boring.”

“I’d like an explanation actually.”

“Boring! Moving on. Blah blah blah mental health yadda yadda exposition something something I’m going to dump you into the heart of a forming star and see what happens.”

“Wait, what?”

“You have two options and since i’m such a nice guy I’ll let you pick.” He held up a finger. “One; I teleport you straight there. And --”

“Two! Definitely two. Yes I want to go home.” Celeste interrupted while nodding her head rapidly.

Discord smiled. He smiled so wide that it ate his face. Metaphorically. “Good choice. Rocket it is!” he pulled out a remote with a large red button on it that read ‘Do not press under any circumstances.’

He pressed it.

Celeste found her wrists suddenly glued to the desktop as shackles popped out and clamped around them. Wings sprouted from the side and several large rocket boosters grew out of the back of her chair. The wall behind Discord receded into the floor. Stars twinkled and an immense nebulae of volatile gas was swirling violently like a whirlpool. Slowly compacting down to a single point.

Discord had an even bigger remote with an even bigger red button in his hand. The button read ‘fine, go ahead and press it. See if I care.’ His twitchy finger inched closer to it has he watched Celeste with a sort of manic glee as she frantically tried to wiggle out of her seat. “Don’t you dare Discord. Do you hear me? Don’t you dare!” she shouted.

“Lift off!” Discord mashed the button and howled with delighted laughter.

The thrusters ignited and shot her across the room and out towards the maelstrom. “I hate yuooooooooooooo!” Celeste screamed herself hoarse as she disappeared into the starry expanse of outer space.

Discord waved. “See you in a few million years.”

He than chuckled menacingly and wrung his hands together with villainous intent. “Princess...”