Reaping Ponies

by Mister E

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Tragedy, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Princess Luna
Length: 3314

Twilight's latest mistake lands her and her friends in the afterlife. It was NOT what she expected.

It is the last of the great unanswered questions. What happens to us when we die.
Thanks to Twilight's latest mistake, her and her friends now know the answer.
Twilight was NOT prepared for the other side. But then again, who is?

Published 2018-07-08 17:10:14 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-08 17:10:14 UTC

Chapter 1

White...
Infinite white. Pristine, flawless whiteness.
And then there were ponies...
Five ponies, three alicorns and one dragon to be exact. That was when things got weird.

“Ahhhhh!!!” Twilight Sparkle screamed, as she popped into existence.

This went on for several seconds before she finally ran out of breath. This was only due to her habit of expecting to be breathing air. But it was something that her friends would have appreciated had they not been doing the exact same thing at the time.
After getting that out of her system, or rather, as she drew a metaphysical breath to once again blast the surrounding area with another discordant wail, she then became aware of her surroundings, or lack thereof.

“Well,” she said after a moment, “this is… different.” She then noticed that she wasn't alone.

Her mentor, best friends, and Princess Luna were all there as well. Several of them still in various states of distress.
Although Celestia and Luna were the first to recover from their shock, Applejack wasn't far behind.

“Dang Twilight, for a minute there I thought it was all over. I thought you said you hand it all worked out. That everything was under control?”

“I just don't know what went wrong,” Twilight replied, sounding for all the world like the local mailmare.

“Well, as long as everypony is okay, that's the main thing. Second on the list though is where in tarnation are we?” Aj said, removing her hat and scratching her head.

“I-I don't know that either,” Twilight replied, gazing off into a void of pure white. The voice of Rainbow Dash shook her from her thoughts.

“Aww c'mon Fluttershy, it's safe now. You can unclench.” Rainbow said to her best friend who was still curled into a ball.

“B-but, the explosion, w-what happened?” Fluttershy asked, as she cautiously opened one eye to look around.

“Beats the heck outta me. Last thing I remember was egghead telling us she had everything under control, then there was a flash, and then we were here. Wherever HERE is.” Rainbow said, glancing toward Twilight.

“Oooh, I know,” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing up to Rainbow Dash, “Twilight sent us to the future. But since it hasn't happened yet, everything is blank.” She quickly checks her mane. “Drat! I knew I should have packed my crayons! All this future, just waiting for the Pinkie Pie touch, and of course today was the one day I left without them.”

“Darling, I rather think that the future can take care of itself, without any additional candy colored chaos.” Rarity interjects, as Pinkie begins to pull random objects from her mane, searching in vain for anything close to a marker.

Unseen by the others Celestia and Luna share a glance.

“Your student hasn't been here before has she?” Luna whispers to her sister.

“No, this is her first time,” Celestia whispers back.

“Oh bother. This can't end well,” Luna replies.

“No, especially not with all of her closest friends here as well,” Celestia says in a worried tone. “Well, she had to find out eventually. All that we can do now is damage control. I should warn you though sister, Twilight can be… well, Twilight is Twilight. We may have to do a LOT of damage control.”

“All right everypony,” Twilight says, gaining her friends attention. I'm not sure where we are exactly, but-” Suddenly Twilight is interrupted by what could only be described as a vibration. A vibration in the very fabric of reality.

Then, there before them, a pony appears out of nowhere. Or rather something in the shape of a pony. It was a living skeleton wearing a black hoodie, a large wicked looking scythe rested upon one shoulder.

“Hi! How ya'll doin?” The figure said, waving a skeletal hoof.

Several things then happened all at once. Fluttershy gasped in surprised recollection. Rainbow Dash quickly moved in front of her, hooves raised, preparing for a fight. Rarity, after making sure Applejack was close behind her, fell into a swoon. Applejack, her eyes fixed on the figure before her, completely failed to catch Rarity who landed with an irritated yelp. Pinkie Pie took one look at the figure and hastily began putting her things back into her mane. Twilight moved to stand before it, Spike moved up behind Twilight, clutching onto her leg. And unnoticed behind them all, Celestia and Luna stood there calmly watching as events unfolded.

“Whoa, whoa, calm down now. Hold your...{ahem} horses.” The figure said, reaching into the pocket of his hoody and pulling out a clipboard. “Now a lot of you showed up all at once, and I'm on a pretty tight schedule, so if you all will cut the screaming and the wailing down to a minimum, we can get this all done a lot faster. Now, in case any of you haven't quite figured it out yet. This is, in fact… IT”.

“It?” Twilight asked.

“IT.” The figure confirmed. “My name is Reaper. Hi again. Technically it's Grim Reaper, but usually I'm pretty laid back about my job. Not like my girlfriend. Now SHE takes her job WAY too seriously. Fluttershy, you remember her right? From last time? Angie O' Death?”

“Wait, wait wait.” Rainbow Dash interrupts. Last time? Grim Reaper? Are you trying to tell me that we're… that we're...”

“Taking a dirt nap? Pushing up daisies? At room temperature? Checked into the Motel Deep 6? Kicked the oxygen habit? No longer counted in the census?” Pinkie said, bouncing up to Death itself.

“Well, ain't you a perky, pretty pony.” Death said, “and to answer your question Miss Dash, what she said.”

“So, what you are telling us,” Twilight said slowly, “is that we have met with a substantive negative outcome?”

“Well,” the reaper says reluctantly. “Technically you, 'Lestia, and Luna, don't count. You'll be heading back shortly. Curse of immortality thing. It really messes with the paperwork let me tell you. No, you three are only having a near 'ME' experience.”

“But my friends?” Twilight asks.

“Oh them? Nope. They are outta here!” Death says, pretending to hit a home run with his scythe nearly trimming Pinkie Pie's locks in the process.

Once again, this causes much distress among her friends. This time Rarity backs up almost against AJ before falling into a faint, forcing her to catch the swooning unicorn, or be knock over in the process.

“All right, all right, settle down. Sheesh! You ponies always act like it was the end of the world. Okay, before we begin. I have a few messages for some of you. Twilight Sparkle? That's you right?” Death says pointing at the lavender alicorn.

“Y-yes.” Twilight says in surprise.

“Thirty-eight Pinkie Pie clones want you to know they are still pretty upset with you. And they want to have a word with you as soon as you die. Heh, hope they have a good gaming system, it's going to be a long wait.” Death says, turning to the next page. “Also the real Pinkie Pie wanted me to tell you that she was very disappointed in you, but after a few years she has managed to forgive you for blasting her into nonexistence.”

“Wait, what?!? That's crazy, the real Pinkie Pie is right over there” Twilight says, frantically pointing with a hoof.

“Um, ah… oops?” The newly revealed Pinkie clone says. “Well, look at it this way, it all evened out in the end didn't it? I mean it took a little longer but you did, in fact, finally get me.”

Twilight begins to repeatedly hit herself in the forehead, as Death pulls out yet another letter.

“Okay, hold on, I've got one more. It's for a pony named Cadance, also by way of Twilight Sparkle. This one is from a Mr. King Sombra. Sound familiar to anypony? Woah, okay, not reading THAT out loud. Just take her the hard copy if you would.” Death says passing over a folded sheet, as Twilight reels from hoof force trauma. Okay, that's about it for the mail. So let's get the rest of this done, I've got a massive earthquake to see to in Los Pegasus in just under half an hour.
Alright, first up is Fluttershy. Okay, just step right on up.”

“No, not Fluttershy!” She's too young, she has her whole life ahead of her. Take me instead!” Rainbow Dash says loyally.

“Um, I plan to. You're actually next on the list...” Death says, as he moves to stand before Fluttershy. “Okay Fluudearshi, what'll it be this time? Want to try a lion again? Maybe a marmoset?”

“Wait, what?” What do you mean again? And who is Fluudearshi?” Twilight says, moving up beside her friend.

“Um, Twilight? That's me.” Fluttershy says, looking her friend in the eyes. “See, I've um, done this before. Lots of times actually. I believe in reincarnation. When I die, Death let's me chose what I want to come back as the next time. I've done it hundreds of times now.”

“Three hundred and forty-seven, counting this one. I particularly liked the time you were a griffin. Fastest flier in all of Equestria.” Death says offhoofedly, causing Rainbow's jaw to drop.

“So, you've been around for over a thousand years?” Twilight asks.

“Something like that,” Fluttershy replies. “I only ever remember everything in between lives, like now. Sooner or later I'm sure I'll get tired and stop. But there’s just so much to see, so much to do.”

“So what have you decided on this time?” Death asks once more.

“Tree,” Fluttershy says firmly. “A nice tall oak tree, oh, and if you could, could you make it somewhere near my old cottage? I think I'd still like to be near all of the animals I used to know, if only for a few more years.”

“Sure, no problem. Lemme know how the tree thing works out the next time you visit.” And with that the reaper passes his scythe harmlessly through Fluttershy's body, and she quickly disappears. “I suppose I could have warned her about the squirrel thing… oh well, she'll find out soon enough. Knowing her, she'll probably like it.”

Twilight and her friends are frozen in shock. It has finally sunk in for them that one of their best friends is gone. Before anyone can respond the reaper speaks again.

“Okay, next up is Rainbow Dash. All right, according to this you are a disciple of the Second Coming of Sombra.” Death says, reading from his notes.

“Sombra?!?” Twilight, Aj, Rarity, Spike, and the Pinkie clone all yell in surprise.

“What? Somepony was passing out pamphlets. And capes are cool!” Rainbow said defensively. “Plus, it's not like I actually have to DO anything. We all just kind of hang out until the second coming, pass out pamphlets, recruit a few ponies, the occasional blood sacrifice, and then we all become generals in his vast army of darkness. A general Twilight, a GENERAL.”

“Well, that's what you WOULD have done. But it says here that you've been pretty laid back about the whole thing. Three pamphlets, no converts, and no, a watermelon does NOT count as a sacrifice, especially since you ate it afterwords. Rules are rules. I'm gonna have to send you to pony heaven.” Death says, marking a check in one of the boxes beside Rainbow's name.

“What?!? No way! Come on, can't you cut me a break?” Rainbow asks desperately.

“Rainbow,” Twilight says, pulling her to the side. “Are you crazy? It's heaven. Take the deal!”

“But Twilight,” Rainbow whines, “I was going to be a GENERAL!”

“Take… the… deal.” Twilight says, shaking the Pegasus for emphasis.

“Aww ponyfeathers! Fine! Have it YOUR way!” Rainbow says crossing her forehooves, just before the scythe passes through her, causing her to vanish.

“Alright, next up, Miss Rarity.” Death waits patiently as Rarity trots up before him. “Okay, according to the tenants of your faith… lemme see here. 'The divine tailor shall take up the thread of your life, and weave it into the grand skein of all things, from which the clothing of the elder god shall be made'. Wow, I haven't had a member of the Cult of Couture-lu in a hundred years. I thought you all died out.”

“Oh heavens no.” Rarity replied scandalized. “We have merely been biding our time. Soon Great Couture-lu shall rise up from the depths of the realms outside our ken and cross the threshold into our reality, his every step causing mountains to topple and seas to boil. And believe me, he is going to look simply Fabulous while doing so.” Rarity says, as the scythe causes her too to vanish.

“Cult of Couture-lu?” Twilight says, her eye beginning to twitch.

“Yeah, really nasty bunch. Excellent tailors though. Got my last hoody from one of them” Death says, before looking at his list once more. “Let’s see, next is Spike the dragon. Well, this one should be simple enough.”

“W-what do you mean?” Asks Spike, as he hesitantly steps forward.

“Because you are a dragon of course.” Death replies.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Spike asks.

“Oh right, you were raised by ponies.” Death says, as he waves a hoof, and uncountable portals appear stretching out through the vastness of the white plane before them. “See, all Dragons, from egg to elder, are part of the Cast system. It’s one of the ironclad beliefs of their race. Raised by ponies or not, this is what you get.”

“Um, and what IS the Cast system?” Spike asks.

“Well, it’s pretty simple. See before you are portals to every afterlife in existence. I’m going to blindfold myself, spin around, and 'cast' you into one at random. It’s supposed to represent some kind of balance to the randomness of life. What can I say? Dragons are weird,” he says securing his blindfold, before somehow unerringly locating Spike. Then spinning around three times he launches him into the void, before removing his blindfold.

A moment later Spike begins to fall into a random portal.

“Ohhh, sexual fantasy afterlife. Not bad.” Death says.

“I regret nothinnggg!!!” Spike says, as he falls from view.

“Okay, let's see, next up Pinkamania Diane Pie, clone number 21.” The reaper says, consulting his notes once more.

“That's me.” Pinkie clone says, bouncing up excitedly.

“All right. Now it says here that you have made up your own religion. And according to the tenants of your faith, after you die you go to a land of peace and happiness, where you eat junk food all day, and have parties every night. Heh, nice job kid. Way to go.” The reaper says, before swinging his scythe once more.

“Wait, she just made up her own? Can you do that?” Twilight asks her eyes wide in confusion.

“Hey lady, I don't make the rules, I just process the ponies.” The reaper says, shrugging indifferently. “Okay, last up, Applejack. Hmm, it says here you're an agnostic.”

“Yep. Way I figure it, you just can't know the unknowable.” Applejack replies.

“Yeah whatever. Look, it's getting pretty late, so I'm gonna have to ask you to just hurry up and pick something.” Death says, pen poised over the checklist.

Applejack thinks for a moment. “Well, how about that sexual fantasy one that Spike just had?”

“Sure, no problem. Good choice by the way.” The reaper says, swinging his scythe once more as Luna and Celestia finally approach the shocked Twilight.

“Now Twilight,” Celestia begins, “I know you probably have questions...”

“Questions? QUESTIONS?!?” Twilight says, her shout echoing throughout the void. “Yeah, you could say I have a few QUESTIONS!”

“Calm thyself young alicorn,” Luna says, reverting to classical Equestrian. “Thy conduct is becoming most unseemly.”

“Well excuuuuse me princess!” Twilight fires back. “I'll just have to read up on the proper behavioral patterns for alicorns after they and their friends are killed to death.” The reaper raises a hoof, “Yes I KNOW, near Death, I got it!” Twilight snaps. The Grim Reaper wisely remains silent as Twilight continues to rant. “But oh wait, I can't read up on that because nopony has bothered to tell me before know that THIS is what happens after you die.” She says as she begins to pace back and forth.

“I see what thou meant by damage control,” Luna whispers out of the side of her muzzle to Celestia.

“Just give it a few minutes, she'll run out of steam eventually.” Celestia stage whispers back.

“Cult of Couture-lu, elder gods, of COURSE I zapped the wrong Pinkie Pie.” Twilight rants, “I mean it was a one in forty chance. They were all Pinkie… anypony could have got it wrong. I mean it wasn't like anyone noticed...”

“Well, actually I did get several letters from Maud, and her parents. And one from the Cakes who thought something was odd about Pinkie...” Celestia interjects.

“Okay first and foremost, NOT HELPING! And secondly, why didn't you ever tell me?” Twilight says rounding on her mentor.

“Well, we quickly realized that there was nothing that could be done. And telling you all would have just made things worse. And after all, there was A Pinkie Pie still there. Sometimes as a ruler, you have to know when to say nothing at all.” Celestia says, trying to sound both wise and matronly.

“Ponyfeathers!” Twilight says sternly. “You just didn't want to have to see me 'go Twilight', about it afterwords.”

“Um, well...” Celestia says, her face turning crimson. “W-wait, how do you even KNOW that term.”

“Never mind! Also, on a completely unrelated note, 'CAKE' is a terrible password. What I want to know NOW is, why didn't you tell me about all of this?” Twilight says, waving a hoof in the direction of the reaper and the void behind him.

The reaper in question having sat back on nothing at all, and had begun to eat a bag of popcorn as he watched the three immortals before him.

“Do you have any idea,” Twilight continues, “how many ponies struggle every day, not knowing what happens to them when they die?” Why haven't you told them?”

“Told them what exactly?” Celestia responds calmly. “How do you know any of this is real? For all you know this could all be a dream.”

“Hah, good one 'Lestia.” The reaper says, giving her a hooves up.

“Wait, are you saying that none of this even happened? That I'm going to wake up in my own bed, and this was all just a weird nightmare?” Twilight asks hopefully.

“Maaaybe.” Celestia says vaguely. “Or perhaps the force of the explosion knocked you unconscious, and you are, in fact, the sole survivor after all. Well, aside from us of course.” Celestia replies.

“Well, either way, it looks like you're about to find out,” the reaper says rising to his hooves. “See you next time!” He says, as the three alicorns begin to fade away.

“Wait! I still have so many ques-” Twilight begins as she fades from sight.

“Sheesh. Well I'm glad that's over. This is why I hate groups.” Suddenly the reapers monologue is interrupted by the arrival of several thousand ponies, hundreds of them tackily dressed as the king of rock and roll.

“Pardon me slim,” one of them says, trotting up and lowering his sunglasses. “but I seem to be a little bit lost. Could you direct me to the stage entrance?”

The reaper quickly unshoulders his scythe as swings it through the middle of the pony.

“Thank you… thank you very much.” the impersonator says, fading from sight.

“Of course it's a convention night...” the reaper mutters to himself as he turns to face the gyrating horde before him. “Viva Los Pegasus...”

Author's Note

A little something inspired by " The Reaping of Flight 623 ".
Hope you enjoy ! :trollestia: