Chrysalis Deserves a Thank You

by FrontSevens

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna
Length: 2266

Celestia and Luna think otherwise.

Queen Chrysalis sends the princesses a letter stating that she deserves a thank you after the Canterlot invasion.

Celestia is at a loss for words, verbal or otherwise.

Published 2018-07-08 19:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-08 19:20:07 UTC

Come again?

Upon seeing Luna enter the breakfast hall, Celestia preemptively dumped her pancakes into the trash. "Good morning, sister."

"Morning," Luna said, her frown deeper than usual as she trotted towards the fruit bowl. "We got an Arbor Day card from Queen Chrysalis."

Celestia paused mid-dump. She squinted at the card levitating in her sister's soft blue magic. Chrysalis hadn't been heard from since her banishment, presumed dead at worst, barely above the poverty line at best. The fact that she would attempt to make contact with the princesses was both hopeful and troubling.

However, what concerned her the most was that... "...It's not even Arbor Day."

"Yes," Luna mumbled, pressing the card onto the table and shoving it towards Celestia. "That's what should concern us. Not that it's from Chrysalis. No, no."

"I'm sorry, it's a lot to take in." Celestia picked up the card. On the front, a bright blue pony cheerfully drove a shovel into the base of a sapling, which made it look like he was counterproductively digging it out instead of planting it. Above and below him, the text read "I'm digging Arbor Day!"

She opened the card, in which one side was entirely filled up with text in the most annoyingly cutesy cursive:

Dear Princess Celestia,

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

Celestia looked up at Luna.

"I know," Luna said, "but keep reading."

She did.

...I'm sorry. I was only acting in the best interests of my hive. My dear subjects have been starving for so, so long. I care for them deeply, but I see how much harm and terror I have wreaked on your ponies. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive…

After reading the first few lines, she got the idea and skimmed further down the card for the 'but'.

She found the 'but'.

...but all I ask of you is one simple, humble request: a "thank you".

Celestia looked up at Luna.

"I know. Keep reading."

Please send this thank you at your earliest convenience. I accept letters, but I will also accept a thank you in the form of a check.

Chrysalis ♥

Celestia closed the card and studied the front. "But why Arbor Day? That was three weeks ago."

Luna turned the card over for Celestia. An orange sticker on the back boasted "80% off!"

"Oh." So she was below the poverty line after all.

Luna shrugged, trotting back over to the fruit bowl. "But yes, her card. It's a... what do you call it, a wild ride?"

"Indeed. A, um... a rolling coaster." Celestia rubbed her chin. Initially, she was prepared to forgive Chrysalis, arrange a meeting with the Elements present, hopefully go through a redemption with some songs and tears and magical whooshes, but then Chrysalis had to go and ask for a thank you. Yet, as hard as it was to believe, this was not the most nefarious thing Chrysalis had done.

Celestia scowled, too. "She begged the question."

"What?"

"She didn't tell me what to thank her for. Ugh, the nerve." Celestia rubbed her forehead. "She's passive-aggressively begging me to ask her what to thank her for. And I don't want to. But now I'm also really curious." Celestia pouted. "I strongly dislike her."

"I know." Luna rubbed her chin, staring at the letter. "You stand to lose nothing by sending a letter to ask, though, don't you?"

"My pride. Also national security, maybe. If we reply, she'll know we're listening, and that might become an issue. We should probably ignore her." Celestia set the letter down on the table and crossed her arms.

"Yes," Luna said. "Probably."

Celestia grimaced. She could ignore the letter and go about her day as usual. Meetings with dignitaries. Land disputes. Probably the two-hundredth graduation speech where all she had to change was the year and the dialect to match the modern language.

But through all of that, her curiosity of Chrysalis' dastardly letter would’ve gnawed at her brain if she didn't respond.

Celestia braced herself against the breakfast table. Her mind had a hunger that pancakes could not satisfy. "We're responding."

"Yes!" Luna exhaled. "Good. I'm curious too."

Celestia's golden shoe tapped against the marble tabletop. "We need to send something, but without her thinking we've seen it. A letter from somepony else that still compels her to respond... Oh. Yes." Celestia hopped off her chair to the door. "I've got an idea."

Luna followed close behind. "Ooh! What do you need? Can I help?"

"Yes," Celestia said. "Who among the staff has the best penmanship?"

~ ~ ~

Hello,

Your letter was intercepted in a random mail search. We regret to inform you that your letter to the Royal Family was not delivered, as it raised security concerns. You may resend your letter at any time, provided you include the following information:

A reason for us to thank you

The chances are low that you will receive a response. It depends on how good your reason is.

Regards,

The Guard

~ ~ ~

Celestia poked at her pancakes with a fork. It'd been a week. Perhaps Chrysalis didn't get the letter. The return address only listed "The Badlands" so perhaps it was delivered to the wrong canyon.

Oh well. The request was silly to begin with. Probably part of her scheme anyway, and it was best to move on.

"It's here." Luna burst in with a black envelope.

Celestia tensed. "What does it say?"

"Here," Luna said, fumbling with the seal. She tore it open and laid it out the Arbor Day card in front of them.

Hello, Your Highnesses ♥

Why, I've done you a favor. I've exposed a massive lack of security on your end.

Think about it. You didn't have any of your guards protect your pink princess before the royal wedding, nor your supposed elements of harmony. You barely guarded yourself. This I did not expect, but am pleasantly surprised about. I had not anticipated my initial infiltration to be so easy.

Celestia felt a chill grip at her heart and slowly pull it down. Chrysalis had a point.

One look at Luna's face confirmed that she shared her deep concern. They both continued to read.

I know why, too! For a time, I was muzzle-to-muzzle with your dull-headed Captain. So I know your legion, your massive army, your Royal Guard... is but 23 ponies. Barely enough to survive another invasion, don't you think?

I know a king or two who may be itching to conquer a kingdom, with whom I may be able to share some valuable intel. However, I may be persuaded otherwise. Hence, a thank you is in order.

Chrysalis ♥

Scrawled at the bottom was another paragraph:

P.S. I realize I may have implied you send me money but I actually meant love, it was just a more menacing line to end on, I really just meant enchant a letter with a simple love spell, it's an intermediate spell you can find in your library probably but here it is just in case

...and below that lay some scribbled incantations, arrows, and heart-shaped diagrams.

Celestia leered at the black envelope. "Of course. Blackmail."

Luna took the card in her own hooves and scrutinized it. "Is there any harm in sending a thank you?"

"I'd send one if it meant this whole thing goes away, but it won't." Celestia slumped on the table, finding herself face-to-face with the pancakes stacked against her. "If I send her some love, she'll want more. She'll likely get more since she has leverage. Her power will increase, her army will grow stronger, et cetera, another wedding fiasco."

"But if we don't send love..."

"Another wedding fiasco."

Luna paced back and forth. "Unless we increase security on our end. We can hire and train more guards."

"True," Celestia said, mentally pacing, "and we can definitely start hiring guards in the meantime, but she'll likely have more intel than that, and send another letter asking for more love."

Luna stopped. "We track her down and destroy her?"

Celestia waggled her hoof. "Friendship."

"Oh. Right."

Celestia stared down at the pony on the cover of this card, identical to the first one but exclaiming "I'm rooting for Arbor Day!". Political negotiations were annoying sometimes. She could always hand it off to some of her diplomats. Merriweather was fairly accomplished. One time, he convinced a belligerent prince to back down from his declaration of all-out war, in exchange for reduced tariffs on broccoli and a free continental breakfast for every 10th summit.

Really, Merriweather should've been involved in the process to begin with. However, after a letter like that, Celestia wanted to handle the matter personally. Partly for the pride, but also for the fun.

"Chrysalis wants one thing," Celestia said. "It was clear since the invasion, and it's clear now. She wants to be taken seriously."

Luna shrugged. "She's proven to be a serious threat."

"She used to be. Now, it seems, it's a matter of pride. She wants to still be seen as an equal. So all we have to do," Celestia said, eyeing the card with a hint of a smile, "is strike her where it'll hurt the most."

~ ~ ~

Chrysalis,

You finally managed to impress us. You've got holes in your logic bigger than the ones in your hooves.

The Princesses ♡♥

~ ~ ~

Your Highnesses,

It seems you intend to call my bluff, as it were. Attached is the full roster of your guards and all their shifts. I take thorough notes.

I question the effectiveness of insulting your adversaries, though I can't say I'm surprised. Your diplomatic strategy seems to be almost as thin and wavering as your manes.

Chrysalis ♥♥♥

The second Arbor Day card in the envelope listing all the guards' names was accurate. The detailed weekly shifts of each member, including their assignments, were also accurate. The sapling on the cover declaring “I’m a plant!” was also accurate. The mane comment was... uncalled for.

Celestia's scowl was deep.

"Wow, gee." Luna grumbled. "I'm so surprised foalish insults didn't work."

Celestia snagged the card out of Luna's hooves and huffed. "We both agreed to not take her seriously."

"Yes, but not make her angry," Luna shouted. "Now she has more reason to share her intel. Which is now proven to not be a bluff. What were you thinking?"

Celestia sat back in her chair. Just as Cadence had taught her, she took a breath in, and a breath out. Letting her emotions get to her would not help the situation. Perhaps it was time for the more boring, yet measured, approach.

"You're right, sister." Celestia bowed her head. "I was wrong to act so childishly. Traditional diplomacy is traditional for a reason."

She closed the card and placed it back in the envelope. "We'll send her a peace offering. A letter enchanted with some love. Hopefully we can start some negotiations - Merriweather's specialty. And if nothing else, it'll buy us some time. I have a feeling she's going to be unreasonable, so we need to come up with a plan to capture Chrysalis and imprison her for her crimes."

Luna nodded. "A sensible plan. As long as I get to be there when the letter is drafted."

"Of course," Celestia said, offering up her hoof and side-hugging her sister as they strolled out of the breakfast hall.

~ ~ ~

A week passed before the response from Chrysalis arrived. Luna trotted in, waving the letter to Celestia. "The envelope isn't black this time."

"Wonderful." Celestia smiled. She tore open the top and sighed. "Thank you again for helping me see reason. Now, let's get a better handle on this situation, shall we?"

"Let's," Luna said, wrapping her arm around Celestia's shoulder and giving it a soft squeeze as they browsed the card.

Your Highnesses,

I would like to take a moment to thank you for our correspondence. I wasn't sure my letters would make it past your defenses, but as it turns out, the best means of invasion seems to be by way of the post.

You see, us changelings can mimic the likeness of any pony, any creature. What you may not know is that we can mimic inanimate objects as well. Rocks, pottery, innocent little garden shrubbery... and, fortunately, letters.

Enclosed is one of my army's finest. Enjoy captivity. I know your precious Elements already are.

Chrysalis ♥

The letter erupted in a green ball of flame, a hissing changeling dropping into Celestia's hooves. Impulsively, Celestia chucked the creature across the room. It crashed into a dresser.

Luna jolted, squeezing her sister a bit harder. Her eyes never left the changeling. "Did Thorax ever mention this? Or Cadence? Shining Armor, perhaps?"

Celestia stared too. "He might've. Slipped my mind, I suppose."

The changeling clambered to his hooves and screeched. Out of the dresser crawled four more hissing changelings, and they spread out to flank the princesses.

Celestia nodded thoughtfully. "I think we need to alert Twilight and her friends."

"The letter said they're captured, but Starlight isn't," Luna said. She patted her sister on the back. "We need to barricade ourselves up in a room. Quickly."

They departed. Quickly.