Thoughts of an annoyed, overly-agitated displacer merchant

by TechnoNerd

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Original Character, Comedy, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 3005

You've heard about the displaced, but have you ever heard a story about the displacer?

Haha, these people I deal with everyday... hoo, I need a day off.

Too bad I'm cursed to be stuck here in this booth, forever sending people as their favorite whatever into the pretty pony place of MLP.

Yes, I'm aware that the next story was supposed to be about Clippy, but screw that guy for now, amirite?

An obvious parody satire of the Displaced genre.

Nobody loves you, Clippy.

A collaboration with Skittle Sky. Prepare thine anuses.

Art by yours truly.

Published 2018-07-14 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-05 16:47:58 UTC

Prologue and most-definitely necessary yet entirely unneeded infodumping about the OC and protagonist of this piece of literature

Author's Note

Read at your own risk. :rainbowwild:

Credit to Skittle Sky for collab-ing...
~~CHECK OUT HER ART ON INSTAGRAM @momoruuu~~
Sorry, shameless plug is shameless.

Prologue and most-definitely necessary yet entirely unneeded infodumping about the OC and protagonist of this piece of literature

Hello. I am your totally average and unsuspecting merchant at your local Bronycon. Yes, I act like a douche. Yes, I look shadier than your uncle's "basement-basement". And lastly, yes. I am the infamous Displacer.

And no, I will absolutely not send you to your favorite place unless you act as absolutely edgy as crap. Like, this one guy came up to me one day dressed like Discord, and just kinda went off on a rant until I finally booted him into Equestria as Gummy.

...

Unless you get really annoying, then I'll just send you off like a mother sending her child off to college. What I mean is... away with you, foul demon! Of course, Bronycon doesn't allow me to teleport you inside the building, safety reasons and all, I'll most likely bring you out to dinner first... at the trash bar, near the trashcans. Then, I'll treat you to a nice, soothing swamp bath, made from only the freshest scalding dishwater.

Or, of course, I could simply clone you, and smite the clone in a fit of rage unparalleled by anything else in existence. Sure, I might be marked as a murderer, but I, the mystical creature of your dreams, shall never be discovered... by the police. You silly fools, on the other hand, just have to find me in order to accomplish your dreams of being teleported to Equestria, I mean, it's not like I want my privacy... right?

...RIIIIIIGHT?!

Ha, what am I saying, of course I want my privacy! Do you know how it feels to be barged into, butt naked might I say, by a nutcase claiming that they have a prophecy to fulfill? Nothing is more humiliating than being walked into while showering! And the thing is, I don't even know how they managed to break into my magical home, which by the way has many security measures.

"Sir, I don't think a bear trap in front of a merchant stand is enough to keep them out."

SILENCE, YOU FOOL! OF COURSE IT IS!

"Alright, whatever you say, shall we continue now?"

... Fine. What was I talking about again?

"You were talking about these uh, so called Bronies? Sir, could you explain what a Brony even is?"

Well, for starters, I'm not referring to all Bronies as a plague. Only certain ones.

"Sir, I wasn't asking what you think of all of these... 'Bronies', I was asking you what a Brony is."

Right, right. Now, as I was saying... A Brony, along with their female counterparts, the Pegasisters, are a small percentage of the human population that takes a liking to a type of entertainment known as "animation", which is displayed on a special device called "Television".

"Sir, you do realize that I know what animation is, as well as TV. Just get on with your explanation, please?"

SHHHHHhhhhhhhhh, the info-dumping needs to happen.

"A-alright, sir."

Now, as I was saying, animation, or more specifically, animated cartoons, or even more specifically, the fourth iteration of a specific show known as "My Little Pony", is the type of entertainment that these "Bronies" and "Pegasisters" often take a liking to. While most simply enjoy and appreciate the show for its values and cheerfulness, there are... urk... certain figures who'd prefer to instead live in the show as their favorite little edgelord character. Now, I'm not saying that anybody who'd wish to live in the MLP universe is automatically cringey, but while I understand and grant the wishes of some, certain others I only grant the wishes of to simply erase them forever from my life.

"Ah. Well... ok. Anyway, on with the interview. Have you ever tried teleporting yourself to this place called... E-quest-ria...?"

Excuse me, it's pronounced 'EE-QUEST-REEEEE-ya'. Anyway, I would never even dream of going there in my life. However, if I did ever dream of it, it would most likely be a nightmare under the full moon.

...Wait.

...Wait... Wait, wait, no! I-I didn't mean to do that! I didn't mean to make an Equestrian pun, I swear! No, it can't be, it couldn't be! I-I would never, please, someone help me! I can't get my name tainted like this, not now, not ever!

"Sir, calm down, it's fine. I don't even know what you're talking about in the first place. Now, would you please continue? You're wasting our time."

Ah, yes, sorry. Things are tight at home, right? Don't you have another job right after this, Jhonny-kun?

"...Don't ever mention my accidental last name ever again, and don't bring my life into this, Lil' Wil."

Alright, alright. Sheesh, I was just teasing ya. Anyway, where were we again?

"You were talking about never going to Equstreeya?"

Equestria. Jhonny-kun, Equestria.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

But Jhonny-kun, I do believe we already covered this topic? Don't you have more questions for me?

"Um... yes. I'd prefer if you refrain from addressing me by name again, if you please."

...

"..."

"Anyways, what is it that you do as the legendary 'Displacer Merchant' of conventions?"

Eh, honestly not much. If people are nice about it and show that they clearly just want to buy something, I just go ahead and play the part of the friendly stand operator. If they want displacing, then sure. If they get all up and snappy in my face, or they act all shady and crap, then I just kick 'em into the nearest MLP universe that happens to float past.

"Elaboration, please?"

Yeah, yeah. It's not so much some arcane spell or sacred ritual though. I was taught long ago by the Lord of Chaos himself on the art of displacement. For me, it's pretty much as simple as thinking of my target, and flicking my wrist, or perhaps snapping my fingers. Often times, just to mess with 'em, I give them the good ol' delayed reaction charm to hold off the displacement until after they buy something.

"Isn't that a bit shady?"

I wouldn't say so. They're practically erased from existence, so I'd might as well chip in and empty their pockets before they get sent off to who-knows-where. It's great for the economy, too.

"What do you typically encounter during your work as a salesman?"

Just the usual, in most cases. Some kids and their parents, a clusterfunk or two of loners both male and female, couples, and occasionally some grifter who wants me to shell out my life savings. You know the drill.

"Yes, yes. The typical life of a day-job merchant. What's the most unusual encounter you've had during your time as a Displacer?"

Oh, you don't want to know.

"Well, it's kind of my job to know, isn't it?"

True.

"And it's kind of your job to tell me."

... Technically, that's not my job. My job is to displace people and sell toys, and that's that.

"You are such a-- nevermind. Please continue."

But I just told you that you don't want to know.

"WELL, it's kinda my job to report this, isn't it? Oh, Lil' Wil, you wouldn't want to get me fired, now would you?"

... You are a crappy reporter...

"Hey!"

Awwww, did that get your feelsy-wheelsies huuurrt?

"N-no..."

No what?

"N-no you didn't hurt my feelings! Baka."

Aww, what was that at the ennnddd?

"S-shut up!"

Ow, ok, you didn't have to kick me really hard in the stomach.

"HMMMMMHMHMHMhmHMhMHhmhmHHmh?"

Jeez, I give up, I'll tell you.

"THANK YOU."

...What was the question again? My head hurts. Too many edgelords in one day, y'know?

"Yesssssssss... thank you for the answer..."

Answer? What?

"You were asked about your most unusual encounters as a Displacer Merchant."

Oh, that. I believe one of the strangest things I've seen so far is when a person came up to me dressed as a doorknob, claiming to be "the savior of garbage everywhere" and screaming at the top of his lungs. He's probably off in Equestria somewhere now being an anthropomorphic doorknob or something.

"Oh."

I believe that's just about it for my nightly interview now. I've got some interdimensional checkers to play.

Oh boy, today's definitely a good day to set up shop in your average, overly-generic convention that is in no way specific to any fandom! (OR IS IT?!)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

In the case of edgelords, break glass and scream like a banshee.

"Why, hello there."

I jerked awake from my (hardly) peaceful nap with a snort. "Whaddya want?" I groaned, rising from my chair. "Katanas? Body pillows?"

"I wish to purchase your finest of trenchcoats." The man boasted, puffing his chest. "It shall complement my sophistication rather nicely."

Hoo boy, I can tell that this isn't gonna end well.

"Sorry, sir." I faked a smile. "We're all out of trenchcoats. Would you like a replica broadsword instead?"

"I must have a trenchcoat at once!" The man slammed his fist down on the table. "Lest the ladies of Equestria scorn upon me for their ill-conceived notions and prejudice against me!"

I raised a brow, my smile all but vanishing. "Equestria, you say?" I began slowly, a sinister grin creeping across my face, "I can do Equestria..."

The man nodded in approval. "Now, about the--"

"Tut, tut." I cut him off, cracking my knuckles, "Your fashion statement can wait. I assume that your real reasons for visiting is a displacement?"

The man's eyes widened as he nodded, pulling a Sonic the Hedgehog figurine from his pocket. "Yes, in fact. I'd like to rule Equestria as my Sonic OC." He held the figurine closer to my face, practically shoving it before my eyes. "You see, my character looks a lot like Sonic, but instead of blue, his fur is all black. It doesn't have red streaks in it like Shadow, but--"

"Okay, okay, sheesh." I moaned, pushing the figurine away from myself. "You don't need to give me a run-down of everything."

The man huffed. "Anyways," he continued, "I'd like to wake up in an Equestria where I myself rule over the populace, complete with my flock of lovely mares that fulfill my every wish and dream."

I mentally facepalmed at the idiot.

"...And I'd also like to have the strength of the Hulk, combined with the powers of my character from this game that I really like, combined with..."

You know what? Screw this guy.

"Yeah, yeah." I nodded, "Just buy whatever crap you want, and you'll be able to use it to transport yourself to Equestria. Aight?"

The man stroked his unevenly-cut stubble of a beard. "How about..." he began, pointing a grease-covered finger at a deck of cards, "...that?"

"These?" I replied, grabbing the pack of trading cards, "That'll be fifty bucks, please."

The man gawked at my totally-fair prices. "Uh..." He muttered, "Here, just take my entire wallet. I don't need it anyways where I'm going."

Y'know, he's actually sounding desperate enough for me to pity him a little. Maybe I won't twist the knife so hard with this one... nah.

I scooped the wallet up, and shoved the deck of cards towards him. "Here you go!" I chirped, waving as he scampered off into the crowds, "Have a nice trip to EA-land..."

As soon as he vanished from view, I sat down again, opening up the duck-tape wallet.

Exactly two dollars and thirty-two cents fell out, along with three bottlecaps and a single note scrawled across some folded line paper.

YOU'VE BEEN DUPED BY THE ULTIMATE MAN OF MYSTERY!

I stared at the note, reading over it again. I guess I should check before I send 'em on their way next time. For now though, let's see just how far we can push this guy...

The Ultimate Man of Super Mystery and Lover of All Mares woke up with a groan, his pitch-black fur waving in the scorching summer breeze.

"Urk..." He groaned, opening his eyes to find the deck of cards in his gloved hands, "I guess I'd might as well go start my harem..."

A translucent light flickered in his face, flashing violently before panning out to form a sign.

BUY THE BASIC MOVEMENTS DLC FOR ONLY $29.99!

"Dang popups..." The pitch-black hedgehog muttered, swiping at the message.

TEMPORARILY DISABLE THIS POPUP: $50.

The hedgehog screamed, for he was now in EA-questria.

Etc. etc. More displacement etc.

Author's Note

Guess what? Ya boi's still around. :raritywink:

Also, dead story is dead. I think I'ma just axe this one unless y'all want me to continue.

Etc. etc. More displacement etc.

I yawned, just managing to keep my eyes open as the conventiongoers passed by. Most of the time, the customers were just casual shoppers. Some would stop by and buy a trinket or two-- a keychain here, a cheap thermos there, stuff like that. Every so often, however...

"SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT," a gruff voice boomed. I quickly found myself in the shadow of a towering figure.

I pushed a wooden box to the edge of the counter. "Nametag keychains."

"I SHALL TAKE TWO."

They bought two and left me be. Honestly, I was fully expecting for them to start wrecking things or something.

You know what? This is boring. Let's take a look at the reverse.

I opened my eyes again to the sight of ponies bustling by on a busy Canterlot streetside. Immediately, a duo-- a mare and a stallion, approached me.

"Do you got..." the stallion's eyes darted back and forth, staring down my merch wall. "...any weapons?"

Hm. Maybe I should've just taken the opportunity to take a nap instead of coming here.

I lit the horn that I spontaneously grew upon entering Equestria and opened a chest under the counter, pulling out a large satchel.

"'re those weapons?" the stallion grumbled, "I need my weapons to train."

"Train for what?"

Again with mister shifty-eyes. The mare beside him didn't seem to be any different. I turned to her while the stallion continued brooding over his response.

"And what would you like, miss..."

"Rippenteré."

...She's named Rip-'N'-Tear. Celestia, please let that not be her real name. I will personally find her parents and send 'em out of this universe if that's the case.

"Rippenteré," I nodded, pushing down the primal urge to ask if that was a nickname. "Right. Whaddya want?"

"Something to rip and tear with."

Oh.

"Ah," the stallion gasped, "I remember now. I wish to overthrow Celestia, and take Equestria for myself for no reason besides the fact that I'm an absolute douchebag character that probably was created solely to be di--hold just a buckin' second."

I blinked, letting my horn fizzle out. Sure, overthrowing Celestia would definitely be interesting, but that attitude of his probably meant that he was more on some weird wish-fulfillment trip. Who knows? He might've been a former human that I sent here long ago.

Either way, at least to me, all hope for this pair is lost. They're bad OCs and they should know it. In fact... I'll make them know it.

Taking a deep breath, I nudged the satchel closer to them. "Well, pick something, you two. Ten bits a piece."

Where to send them, where to send them... let's see... ah, I know just the place. Let's see what they-- holy mother of Celestia's flaming nostrils, did that mare just pull a CHAINSAW from that satchel?!

"I'll take this." the mare tossed the chainsaw onto the counter. It was at this point that I realized that I probably pulled out the wrong bag of holding. Too late to go back now, though.

I looked to the stallion. "And you, sir?"

A single can of beans was carefully placed onto the counter.

"Very well then," I nodded. "That will be twenty bits. No more, no less."

Three and a half buttons and a piece of a candy wrapper landed on the counter. The pair swiped their merch and began to take off. I rolled my eyes, sweeping the trash off the counter. Any moment now, those two are gonna be finding themselves in a very... different situation.

The stallion was the first to materialize, falling face-first into a cotton candy bush. He groaned, pushing himself up and spitting out sugary lumps of cotton candy.

"Difgugftincf," he spat, pulling himself from the bush. The mare popped into existence beside him, dazed.

"Master, master, look!" a new voice giddily shouted, "The Lord of Beans has awoken, with his partner Rippenteré the deadly! Does that mean our land will finally be freed from the oppressive forces of Hazburo?"

"I--" the stallion looked down at his hooves. The can of beans he bought as a joke from that shady merchant had transformed into a pair of gauntlets, still wrapped in the label for refried beans. "WHAT THE ACTUAL BUUUUU--"

I wrote part of this on a phone!

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Time for me to take a completely and totally unnecessary break from these people and hop on over to my other job!

"Wait, so lemme get this straight..." my coworker deadpanned, "You, one of our company's most well-known mythical beings, work as a lawnmower serviceman as a side job?"

"Yup." I nodded, sipping my chocolate latte tea. "Earns me enough money to buy some pricier merch that I can sell at a premium during the conventions."

Coworker Bob leaned back in his chair, chewing his sandwich as he contemplated the idea.

"Say," he began again, swallowing, "have you ever pranked your customers in the lawnmower business?"

I shook my head.

"Do it."

"Why?" I complained, "I don't wanna lose my side job!"

He gave me a light punch on the shoulder. "Aww, c'mon. You're world-class, and displacer-certified, at that. You can afford a prank or two every now and then."

You can afford a prank or two every now and then.

I grinned, casting my signature displacement magic on the lawnmower.

We'll see what kind of a doozy this guy's gonna be in for the next time he mows the lawn...