Numbness sucked. Not the kind where you can’t feel anything physically but emotionally. It was the worst part of my depression. It wasn’t always there but it did come in great swaths of blankness on my mind. I could think but there was no soul to my thoughts. I felt removed dissociated from reality. A step away from everything looking in on reality through a dirty glass smugged with the residue of numbness. When not feeling that, the sadness that everyone else seems to think is depression kicks in. Most of the time it is a form of loneliness. Depression isolates you even from those right next to you. It feeds on your worries and makes them worse. After all no one loved me. I barely had friends and even they didn’t care enough to reach out. No they mostly ignored me. Were they even friends really? I couldn’t say. I wanted to say yes but it didn’t seem right and no was just too hard to contemplate.
The emotions built until I needed a release. It was as if they were going to burst out of my chest and leave me a hollow empty husk. Talking would have helped but there wasn’t any one to talk to. No one who would pick up the phone. No I was by myself and alone in all the ways that word mattered. Pulling out a parring knife, I set to work relieving the feelings of guilt. Sure with each bite of the blade I felt worse about myself. More of a monster. It fueled the next bite and the next. A monster should be hurt. It should be killed. It should be mutilated. It needed punishment. I needed punishment. The cuts weren’t enough though. I kept digging at my skin with the knife, letting it slice through layer after layer. The blood came out in beads from the small lacerations. They might get I the way of more cuts so I wiped them away with a handful of toilet paper. I had to keep going. Each cut slowly turning red as the blood seeped out of it. Over and over cutting more in the same area and spreading out wards till my entire leg was one big mass of throbbing red lings that blurred together. I moved from one leg to the other continuing as muc I could. It was harder as I was right handed to work on my right leg. Just getting the right angle to cut the skin proved difficult but I still kept going, still felt like a monster. Felt like I needed to hurt myself. The skin on that leg soon grew used and I had to move on to my left arm. Even more difficult and even less cuts. I sat there breathing shallowly as I revealed in the pain. I tmade my emotions mute, not to be confused by numbness. All I could focus on was the sting in both legs. And the feeling of pain washing over me. It was subtle and yet played with my mind like a lover. A relief from the sorrow that plagued my mind. Even from the numbness. I could feel again if just physically.
A warm tingly force wrapped around my hand as I went to cut again. Looking at the purple glow on my hand I felt more than a bit panicked. Had I cut deeper than I had thought and this was a hallucination brought on by lack of blood. I certainly couldn’t remember ever seeing anything like this before. My hand was tugged back and I spun to look at it. A purple unicorn sat there her eyes in tears. I barely noticed the whirling vortex of energy that surrounded her. Another unicorn looked out from behind her having white fur and a darker purple mane. I was definitely hallucinating now. Maybe there was something in the air that had caused this.
“Can you understand me?” asked the purple unicorn. Her mouth moved separately from the noise that came out of it. Like a poorly dubbed movie. “I cast a translation spell that should let us talk.”
“I mean you sound like you are speaking English. Just kinda weird seeing your mouth out of sink with the sound,” I said. “I’m hallucinating so I guess none of this has to follow the rules of reality.”
“Oh no you aren’t hallucinating,” said the white unicorn. “Dear we are here to help you as best we can. Would you put the knife down?”
“I don’t want to,” I said. My hand wasn’t free of the purple aura and I had to switch the knife to my other hand. It didn’t work as well at cutting as my dominant one did but it would work. Besides if I took my shirt off there was so much skin left to cut. So much of the monster yet branded. My other hand was engulfed and I was gently pulled into a standing position.
“What is making you feel so bad?” asked the purple unicorn.
“I mean aren’t you in my head? Why don’t you already now,” I retorted. “Fine what ever. I am tired of being alone. Of being so different that no one will be there for me. It all just seems so pointless. I can’t find work. I can’t pay my bills. I don’t have a future.”
“There is always hope,” said the white unicorn. “We will be your friends. Right, Twilight?”
“Of course,” said the purple unicorn who must have been Twilight. “I mean it will be a bit difficult to visit you here in this other world. But yeah I will try to be your friend as best I can.”
“I apriecate the sentiment but what does it matter? Even if I accept that you are real and not some sort of fever dream as I bleed out, I just don’t know how you are going to be my friend from a world away,” I said. I laughed out loud. “I’m talking to imaginary unicorn aliens. Yeah. Something snapped.”
“What would it take to make this real for you?” asked the white unicorn.
“Take me out of here,” I said. “I have nothing and if you are in fact aliens maybe I could come live with you. I would have infinitely more friends there than here. I mean sure it is only two more but still. I’m ready to die. Maybe the next world would be better.”
“Twilight, I don’t think it is a good idea to leave them here,” said the white unicorn. “Why couldn’t they come to Equestria if just for a while. Till they can heal and get over their depression. There are ponies at home that can help them.”
“Princess Celestia might have a few issues with us effectively foalnapping a creature from another world but I think you are right. It is either that or we stay here with them,” said Twilight. “Still we know almost nothing about this pony or what sort of creature the are. I worry that we might not be able to take care of them well enough. I guess it wouldn’t hurt for a bit at the very least. Like a visit to see if it would work. Would you like to come with?”
“I mean I think this is the equivalent of walking into the light at the end of the tunnel but honestly I don’t care about that. Is it weird that I am talking to my fever dream about being alright if this is the end,” I said. “But yeah. I’ll come with.”
Author's Note
This is just a one shot, or at least intended to be. I know it doesn't really solve anything or what not and really it is just cathartic for me. If you want more of this, let me know or look up the three other times I wrote something similar.
