You know, I can’t remember having been on board a chariot ever before. Much less a royal one. I have to say it’s a pretty pleasant experience. Pretty cozy, really.

“HOLD SITLL, STONEY!” A significant amount of voice calls into my ear, most likely making liberal use of the ‘Royal Canterlot Voice’.

Well, pleasant for the most part at least.

“Uhm, Princess I don’t think you’re supposed to stuff gauze inside the wounds…” Cloud attempts to ‘advise’ Luna. All she got was a sharp look in return. Around 5 seconds passed before the Princess verbalized her thoughts.

“We think we know a little more about dressing a wound than you might, Cloud Cover.” She scoffs towards her subordinate. “Exactly how many wars have you been in again? Besides, we’re confident he’s feeling better already! Isn’t that right, stallion?” She turns back to me, looking with big eyes at me and nearly beaming with pride at the results of her ‘help’.

I don’t know if I can just crush her like this. I mean… it’s not like I really feel it or anything, right? Should be fine, I guess.

“Yeah sure. Whatever you say, Luna.” I casually grumble in acceptance. No sense in making my savior, and my ride to civilization, feel stupid. I might regret this later though, in all honesty.

Silent just holds her head in her hands as Luna gets back to her ‘work’ of playing doctor, while Cloud rolls her eyes. As the not-quite-painful tingling kicks back in, I can’t help but see a bit of a different pony in her. Can’t help but be reminded.

Can’t help but remember…

“Hey Kure-All, are you in right now?” I call out loudly as I thrust open the simple wooden door. Nothing much more than blank wood, only decorated with a sign stating this building is ‘Kure-All’s Cure All’. I can’t help but linger at the sign, as I do every time I come by. He can come up with some genius ideas, but can’t manage to name something to save his own damn life.

A real tragedy, in my opinion.

In response to my shout, a shattering is heard in the back rooms of the building, followed by a loud ‘FUCK’ and quick trotting. I’ve always been curious what he does in those back rooms, but I’m not stupid enough to find out. He hasn’t had that fuckin’ pony skeleton forever, after all. Not to mention all the other weird shit he has in his house.

A curtained doorway is snapped aside as a tall grassy green stallion strides through into the main room. One look at him and he could easily be called lanky by anyponies standards, his aqua blue mane and tail stand out against the knee length white jacket he’s wearing. With a winning smile he poses for his new customer and shoots off his tag line.

“Welcome to Kure-All’s Cure All! If I can’t fix it, I’m pretty sure the leeches can handle it just fi- Stoney? The fuck are you doin’ back here, mate?” His shoulders droop along with his tag line as he notices just who I am. I’ve known this jackass for as long as he’s been around, and in all that time he’s maintained a surprisingly steady level of insanity.

He’s a good kid.

“You should know why I’m here by now, fucko. Got my hand shredded to shit again so I came here to see if I need stitches. Just the regular.” I inform him, for what feels like at least the 4th time this week.

Maybe he’s got amnesia?

“Again? Maybe you oughta slow down a bit there, Stoney. I can’t see why you train yourself so hard that you break bones and bleed fuckin’ everywhere.” He moms at me, already walking towards a table swamped with papers and various boxes. I follow without hesitation.

“There’s always a reason, Kure. Nopony knows when something could attack, and somepony has to be ready to fight.” I argue back stubbornly. If nopony else wants to be prepared, then fine. I’ll just have to pick up the slack.

Simple as that.

“Okay, sure. But an attack from what exactly? Discord got taken out by those two rainbow flinging moppets almost a year ago, mate. Most of his little monsters even disappeared after his defeat!” He pauses, looking at his cluttered desk. Not even seconds later his arm is pressed against the wood of the surface and sweeping across it, simply shoving all evidence of clutter onto the floor beside us. Looking on at a ‘job well done’, he wipes his hands on his jacket and turns back to me with an expectant look on his face.

“Well? Let’s see the damage you’ve done, then.”

Good enough, I guess. Hovering my wrapped up hand over the table, I begin unraveling piece by piece the red-stained strip of cloth. As I do, Kure-All watches intently as ever, proving his quality once more as an actual doctor. Odd he may be, but his skills are never in question. Once I drop the cloth to the table’s surface, Kure grabs my wrist and brings it closer to his eyes, inspecting the various scratches, cuts and skinned knuckles that greet him. For a solid half-minute he observed, seconds ticking by like hours before he lets my wrist go and looks me in the eyes with his own yellow gaze.

“So waddya think, Doc?” He only takes a deep breath before giving me his oh so ‘professional opinion’.

“What the fuck is this pussy shit, Stoney? You already know what to do with a couple paper cuts like this. Just run a bit o’ ale over it and you’ll be good to go.” He’s narrowing his eyes, that’s not good.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, sorry.” I lie magnificently.

“Did you just use this as another excuse to come here so we can go drinking again, you sneaky bastard?” Shit, he’s on to me.

“Of course not. I was just worried about my health. Wait, I’ve got a great idea! Hows about we go and celebrate at the pub, since I’m not gonna get my arm amputated?” With my master plan in place, I turn around and begin a path to the door, and subsequently, the pub.

“I wouldn’t get in quite so high spirits just yet, mate. I might have to saw it off anyway if you keep being such a fuckwit.” Yeah, he may talk a whole lotta shit, but the sound of hooves slapping the wooden floor behind me don’t lie.

Towards the ale we ride!

“The pub sure hasn’t changed at all.” I say thoughtlessly, taking in the sight of the tavern with pride. In our little town we don’t have much. The most remarkable thing, to an outsider, would probably be the massive pair of waterfalls that live near the river. Dropping from high above the scale of the purple rock, they have a silver-like sheen as they fall into the pools below the town’s perch. It’s certainly beautiful, that I won’t argue with.

However, I don’t think it’s the best. That, would have to be the bar!

A local dive might not seem like that big a deal to ponies from larger settlements, but to the ponies here it’s like home. Everyone gets along with everyone at the bar, and nobody is ever left unhappy at the end of the night.

It’s also the town’s safe house, but something within me is saying the ale is more important right now.

“It’s only been a couple days since we’ve been here, you daft cunt. What did you expect?” A snide Kure-All teases from right beside me. The cheeky fuck is looking at me with a smirk like I’m not going to get him back for that.

…

I was always taught to give as good as I get.

“Anyone ever tell you ya have the mouth of a sailor, ya smug bastard?”

“Only every betty I’ve ever met. What’s that make you?”

Son of a whorse, the ass got me again.

Just as I’m about to respond in kind once more to his smartass mouth, something out of place catches my attention. Something big. My ears perk up, and I can feel my face go entirely stone solid from pure concentration.

“Do you hear that? Listen.” I ask Kure, netting myself a rather confused look from the stallion in question. As he stares at me, gradually his ears perk up too. Together we listen as whatever is making this sound gets louder and louder. Starting off with nothing more than a low buzzing, it would be easy to write of as a bug, such as a cicada or something similar. As it grew louder, however, that obviously wasn’t the case. The buzzing became infinitely deeper, but scratchy in its own way. The only sound I could compare it to is the dragging of several hundred pounds of furniture over polished stone. Next, it became ear-crushingly loud. Omnipresent would be a good way to describe the sheer volume it had. The sound permeated everything around us, and seemed to come from everywhere at once. In my panicked mind, the only thing I could think was that the sky was tearing itself apart. Just as blood started to trickle between the clenched fingers around my ears…

The sound was gone. Nothing left but a high pitched ringing, which itself soon faded into obscurity.

One look at Kure-All told me he experienced the exact same thing, but he didn’t look back at me. I followed his gaze, leading me to stare directly at the waterfalls that were our village’s namesake. What I saw nearly stopped my heart. The falls, they weren’t quite… normal. While ordinarily they might shimmer in the light, falling at quite a breakneck pace in a consistent stream… that’s not what was happening.

Before my very eyes, the waterfalls shuddered. Wobbled in place, in such a way that nothing about it could possibly be natural. Then came the steam. Random pockets of the falling water seemed to disappear without warning, instead evaporating and replaced with fleeting steam.

The wobbling worse and worse, and I had to use every ounce of my will to break into action. Taking a hold of myself with a vicious shake of the head, I rapidly turn to face Kure-All who’s still staring slack-jawed at the strange affairs before us. In a single stride I am within grappling distance, and I grab his shoulders and shake. With a single slap, just for good measure, his attention is back on me and I go about procedure.

After all, no sense in letting all my training be for naught, right?

“Kure, I need you to gather up every citizen you can find and shove them in the safe house. You know the drill, right?”

“O’ course I do. By heart, even. You wouldn’t let me tune out while you were lecturing me any of the 50+ times you went over it. Kids are priority, adults should know what to do by now but still be looked out for. Take any weapons or medical supplies with you into the bunker. That about right?” He recites to me. Even serious situations have no hold over his sailor speech, it seems. Good.

“Perfect, now go!” I set his shoulders free and prepare to dash off to my cabin, but find myself grabbed instead. Quickly wrapping his arms around me, he brings himself in for a hug. Shocked as I am, I can’t do anything until he lets go and looks me in the eyes. What he says next makes me well up with pride I haven’t felt in quite some time.

“Don’t die playing hero out here, Dad. I don’t know what the village would do without you here to play that part for everypony.”

And with that, he’s off. Off to do his part, like everypony else in the village.

As much as I wished to revel in the feeling of the moment, the pride I felt for my surrogate son, I knew I couldn’t afford to. I have to settle for burning the moment into my memory as I turn and sprint to my cabin in search of weapons and protection.

‘Whatever that noise was, whatever just happened to the waterfalls, it’s painfully obvious it wasn’t natural. Not in the slightest sense of the word. This isn’t just a temporary moment of insanity thanks to residual draconequus power, this is a ‘Breach’. That spells nothing good for any of us.’

So wrapped up I was in my own thoughts, I didn’t get the chance to admire the proud sign of stone that sat smack in the middle of the village as I ran passed it. Carved in to the stone was a simple name, but one with a lot of love behind it. Pride, in our shitty little hovel, even.

The words on the stone read non other than ‘Silver Agro Falls’, as it had for years prior.

A hand firmly being placed on my shoulder manages to snap me out of my thoughts, and thankfully bring me back into the real world. My head frantically swivels around the carriage, worried about just how… absorbed… I became. To my shock, the carriage door was open, and the only one in here with me just so happened to be Silent. The pink mare was staring into my eyes, obviously wanting to ask about what exactly managed to keep my attention for so long.

Immediately I open my mouth and prepare to grasp for whatever excuse comes to mind. To my surprise, however, it seems I don’t need to. Lifting her hand off my shoulder, she reaches up and closes my agape mouth for me, shaking her head in a negative all the while. When she lets go, she wipes my cheek and pulls her hand back. It’s wet, shiny in the daylight.

I... was crying? This whole time….?

“You were out for the whole ride.” She speaks quietly, voice soft. “We’ve landed at Canterlot Castle, and Luna finished her bit of doctor play while you were… out of it. We’re about to meet with the Princess’ sister, so I’d wipe off those tears. Maybe some of the blood, too.” With that she gets up and heads to the door of the carriage, only to stop just at the opening. Without turning to me, she decides to continue. “I won’t ask what you were remembering, but I’ll tell you this. The Princess was worried about you. All three of us were worried. Try not to do that too often, if you can help it.” As she prepares to exit the claustrophobia machine, I catch myself feeling the need to say something.

Anything.

“Silent.” I catch her attention. Calling someone’s name tends to do that pretty easily. “Thank you.”

A simple nod of her head answers me. Then she’s gone, out the door of the carriage, and I’m assuming I’m the next one in line.

‘I think I’ve decided I like that Silent filly. She’s a good kid.’ I think to myself.

I stretch my back out from my slouch, gaining a few good pops and a satisfied groan for my efforts. I look down at my lap, and the loosely threaded cloth that can barely be considered trousers that cover it. Deciding that a single strip of cloth won’t be missed, I rip just that from the rags that cover me and wipe my face as thoroughly as I possibly can. The fact that the piece of cloth has been dirty for decades probably doesn’t work in my favor, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

I hope so.

Leaning down to the floor of the carriage I snatch up the burlap sack containing my souvenirs and toss the strip of cloth to the side before standing up. Well, as much as one can in a flying jar. In three steps I’m out of the open door and officially on royal ground. In two more staggering steps, my jaw has damn near literally hit the spotless stone beneath my hooves.

‘Massive’ was really the first thing that came to mind, as I observed the sheer size of the castle before me. Quickly coming in second would probably have to be ‘expensive’. Nearly nothing could garner my attention in the moment as I drank in the sight of Canterlot itself.

Enormous spires of rich gold, heavenly marble, and some spots even accented with Royal Blues and Purples! That’s truly impressive in my eyes because back in my day, only royalty might ever see cloth that rich in color. I’m not sure if times have changed in that regard, but it catches my admiration none the less. The balance of the spires and even most of the main buildings look purely chaotic to me, but I can say without a doubt in my mind that they were crafted and birthed from the minds and hands of some of the most ingenious architects to ever breath.

Or I’m just too stupid to understand it. Either one is possible, really.

Tearing my gaze away, I spot my companions… saviors… easily enough and begin my walk towards them. There, Luna faces the flight of stone steps leading up to a massive set of guarded doors with a thoughtful look. Beside her stand the two Valkyries, looking at the Princess patiently. When I arrive I send a questioning glance towards Cloud, who just shrugs in response and goes back to watching.

“Seems I’m left with no choice…” I mutter to myself, surprisingly not gaining the attention of Luna’s hearing by doing so. With only a few seconds of thought, I’ve managed to come up with a plan that’s sure to work!

And be entertaining at the same time. The fun has been doubled.

Slowly, carefully reaching out with my left hand, I let it rest directly beside her left ear. Forming the classic position with my middle finger and thumb braced against each other, I pause only to give her the slightest of warnings.

“Whatchya thinking about, Luna?” I gravel out at her, barely getting an ear twitch for my efforts.

‘That’s it!’ And with that thought I let the fingers slide. A loud, resounding POP was the result. With big, meaty hands like mine, a snap could be likened to a mini smack of thunder. All of that, right next to her ear.

The reaction was worth the risk of accidentally getting liquefied. Maybe.

A massive twitch takes over her poor left ear as she snaps her head towards me, staring in wide-eyed surprise. Staring at me, her mouth opens and closes a couple of times before she shakes her head, an obvious attempt to clear out any shock still left. She straightens up and clears her throat, then begins reciting what I’m sure she was saying in her head.

“Ahem, so… here’s what we shall do. We’ve managed to arrive around noon, so day court will doubtlessly be in full swing at the moment. Naturally, however, we feel we should check in with our sister immediately. With how Celestia gets, I’m sure if we are gone for much longer she’ll raze the country to the ground ‘accidentally’ in an effort to find us… maybe start a war.” She trails off for a moment after that.

…

There’s no way one of the rulers of Equestria could possibly be so irresponsible, right? Can’t be, if it was that bad I’m sure everyone would be dead by now or something, possibly just enslaved by another race though. Gotta keep your options open.

“But that’s a story for another time.” Oh, she’s back with us. “We believe the best course of action is to simply storm the court room. Those nobles can shove it, for all we care. Besides, I’m sure once they see their Princess waltz in with two Valkyries and a massive, bandaged, and nearly naked stallion they’ll clear the way.” She finished with a nod to herself, sure of her own plan with the utmost confidence.

‘Personally, I don’t think this’ll work out too well. On the other hand, I think I’ll just apply the classic ‘Fuck It Adjustment’ and go along with it. Seems entertaining.’ That last bit of thought made me pause. ‘I’ve been saying that a lot… am I bored or something?’

…

Fuck it. It’s easy, see?

Coming out of my mind and back into the real world was marginally alarming. Seems while I was debating if I should stop Luna or not the three mares had started walking towards the stairs already. Without me.

A tragedy in the making, surely.

So with a pep in my step I trot after them, managing to catch up in only a few quick strides and find myself in front of the steps, already making my way up them. By simply kicking up the speed, I manage to worm my way between Luna and Cloud so I don’t look like some creepy naked stallion following the Princess and instead look like I came here with them.

Smart, right?

Not even a full minute passed before we all stand in front of the massive gold plated doors leading to the court, and apparently the other half of the Diarchy. The four guards on detail at the doors send a collective nod our way and stand aside, almost like this has happened before. Honestly, I can see Luna getting bored and going off to annoy her sister during court pretty easily. It’s not particularly a stretch for my imagination. I’m left with a feeling of nostalgia as the doubtlessly expensive doors before me are washed over with a blue aura, distorting the view like a heat wave. A quick glance at Luna confirms that it’s her doing, as the horn on her head is lit up with the same hue of mana.

Gotta be honest, as I turned and looked at the massive doors I couldn’t help but notice a tiny rebellious part of me want to see those doors get crushed much like my cell door. The rest of me, however, wanted them to stay pristine. They’re worth more that way.

Thankfully, it seems my anarchistic inner voice has no sway on Luna. With great ease the doors swing open, revealing the inside for all to see. What I saw, however, was a wave of colors. Greens, pinks, whites and every other shade I could possibly name were present in the form of ponies, most likely nobles here for this ‘day court’. As one they turn to look at us, sneers aplenty and ever lasting. However, I’m not looking at them. No, not quite.

Instead I find myself gazing at the second half of the set. From the door of the massive room lay a rich carpet, lined with golden trim. At the end of that carpet, lay a throne, and on that throne sat Princess Celestia. A truly massive mare, I can tell even sitting down that she would measure easily to 7 and a half feet tall. Pure white skin, only interrupted by a regal, simple white dress which accented the rainbow of pastels that made up her mane and tail easily.

She cuts an impressive figure as a leader, I’ll give her that.

As a group, we begin walking through the room, following the rather straight path of the carpet at our hooves. Instead of the rabble that’s typical of nobility, the room remains calmly quiet. A bit unsettling, but ultimately nothing to worry about. Nearing halfway to the throne, Luna ‘makes herself known’ as if she hadn’t already burst through the door with a pair of Valkyries and a bloody nearly-naked stallion.

“SISTER! WE HAVE RETURNED FROM MOUNT CHILI-AID VICTOURIOUS!” She announces proudly, brimming with pride.

“Yes, yes dear sister. I’m glad you’ve returned unharmed!” She responds in a motherly tone, a sweet smile on her face. “Dear subjects, I’m afraid we’ll have to cut the day court here. My sister and I have things we must discuss. Guards, close the doors after they’ve left.” Some rather loud and obnoxious mutterings of protest were heard around the court from the nobles, but ultimately they didn’t outright deny the Princess’ request for recess. Even as the nobility drains out of the room, the four of us continue walking closer to the throne, and the Goddess that remains sat upon it. Surprisingly, we don’t stop walking at the stairs leading to the slight uplift the throne is sat upon. Instead, we end up standing almost directly before the white mare.

Thing is, said mare’s pink eyes are busy burning a hole through my face right now, and that motherly smile I spied on her face is now gone. Slipped right off her face. It’s not a good feeling to get stared at like this, if you’re wondering…. but I have fuck-all to hide, so I stare right back at her. The silent battle between pink and green eyes rages, obvious only to the two participants, it would seem. The sparks continued to fly between us until a loud clank echoed around the richly decorated room, without a doubt the sound of the doors being closed.

Leaving me alone with nopony other than royalty and guards. Gotta say, I didn’t really expect this out of my day, but… I’m not disappointed quite yet. An odd feeling, really.

As soon as the doors were closed Celestia rose from her throne, coming even closer to all of us. Thankfully the Princess was the one to break our staring contest, instead shifting her gaze to her sister. Luna seems to somehow be immune to the intensity of the look being thrown her way, kinda obvious she doesn’t feel it seeing as she’s still brimming with pride at her sister. Then like lightning, Celestia’s arm vanished and a light smack was heard.

Turning to Luna, I easily discern the culprit of the sound. Celestia had slapped Luna across the face, her hand-cradled cheek an obvious indicator.

“Do you know how worried I was, Lulu?” The white mare mutters at her, eyebrows now furrowed in frustration. I’m not exactly liking this.

“Worried? For what reason would you have to worry?! We informed you exactly what we were doing, how could you be worried? We even thought to bring the Valkyrie with us!” ‘Lulu’ argues at her, rightfully pissy from the slap.

“So marching in the the dining room and bouncing around yelling about trapped friends and Diamond Dogs counts as an explanation? For all I know, you were talking about that Final Fantasy game you enjoy so much.” Oh fuck, I think Celestia is mom-ing her sister right now. She has her hands on her hips in the classic mom pose! Any thoughts of intervening immediately evaporate from my mind at that revelation. I may be one supremely ballsy stallion, but getting in the middle of a mare’s wrath isn’t exactly on my bucket list.

Seriously.

“Well… when you say it like that… I guess we have no choice but to apologize, Sister.” Looking a bit ashamed at hearing her actions out loud, her gaze falls to her hooves. Wow, that sure didn’t take too long at all. A good part of me thought that Luna would put up a bit more fight than that… but it’s probably for the best, honestly.

“Not only that, but now you have paperwork to do.” Luna’s face runs pale at the word, but Celestia doesn’t stop there. “Why so surprised? Did you think leading a force manned by one half of the Diarchy would be as simple as it was back in the old days? Times have changed just a bit in that regard, Lulu.” Celestia really looks like she’s reveling in Luna’s suffering right now…

‘I… fuck it I guess it’s time to nut up and step in.’ With that most eloquent of thoughts, I jump into the mouth of the manticore, so to say.

“If there’s any way I can help her with that, I’d be happy to. She saved me, after all. And personally, to boot. A little bit of paperwork is nothing compared to… well, never mind.” I grumble out at the Goddess of the Sun, bravely putting my life in the balance like no man ever should be stupid enough to do.

By getting in the middle of two sisters.

And within mere seconds that deadly pink gaze is back on me. As she’s walking over to stand directly in front of me, I can feel her eyes crawling over my body. I can see it too, but that’s not nearly as dramatic. I watch her discreetly check my rather shoddy, but love filled patch-up job and trail along my blood-matted fur, and if I’m not mistaken I saw a small twitch come over her ear. Anger, perhaps?

A question for the ages, if ever there were one. This poker-face isn’t an easy one to crack.

“Help my sister? In your state, big guy? Wrong. First, you’re gonna go to the medic and get those wounds looked at, stitched up if need be. Then, you’ll be taking a nice, loooong shower. Once you get the blood and grease off you, maybe smell a bit better, then you can help my sister with her little ‘post-siege-chores’.” She lists off to me, standing noticeably far from me as she does.

“I- actually that’s a pretty fair deal. Last time I got clean in any meaningful way was something like a few months ago, so I’d have to be stupid to pass up a free one.” I think I crinkled up involuntarily at the realization that I smell like ass while meeting royalty, but something about what I said seems to strike something in the mare before me. The piercing gaze she’s worn since I’ve arrived melts into a rather warm-hearted one. Facing Luna, she asks her one last question.

“I’m guessing you and the Valkyries can lead him to the medical ward? I have a letter to write and send off.”

“We can handle the task. We’re guessing that you’re calling the elements here?” She answers back teasingly.

“Correct. I believe they should be here for when we go a bit more ‘in-depth’ with your stallion here. There are a lot of questions that need to be answered, sister.” She answers back, already on her way out of the room. Luna still decides to nod at the statement, anyway.

“Agreed. We shall see you another time, Dear Sister.” And with that, we start walking in a different direction entirely. Trotting ever further into the maze of hallways that make up the royal castle.

That entire interaction seemed remarkably tame… to me, at least. However, despite the sheer amount of luck I doubtlessly was just blessed with, only one thing really ran through my mind at the moment.

‘I should probably pray that I didn’t accidentally get blood on that carpet… it looked really expensive.’

…

Important thoughts, truly.

Author's Note

Me VS. The Readers of This Story

...

I love you.