Chuckling Over My Cheery-O's

by chrumsum

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4423

Milk, breakfast cereal, and existential hell

Pinkie Pie's simple morning ritual threatens to shatter her very perception of reality, life, and choice in breakfast cereal.

This is PresentPerfect's fault.

Published 2018-07-18 02:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-18 02:20:01 UTC

The Sunday

It’s pony nature to find pleasure in the simplest of moments. Be it the smell of the grass after a hard rain, or blowing the steam off a fresh mug of tea, or the feeling that swells inside you when looking up at a dark sky pulsing with stars.

For Pinkie Pie, it was far simpler, and it was every day. But today was Sunday.

This Sunday started like so many did, with carelessly closed curtains pouring syrupy sunlight across the floor, oozing over pink shag carpets and piles of laundry until they found their way over her snout a little earlier than everypony else.

Sweet and warm, it tickled her awake. A few blinks cleared away the blurriness, letting in the warmth of the day. A smile flushed her cheeks, and a yawn and stretch pulled her body like taffy as she rolled beneath the licorice-scented sheets.

Today was going to be a good day, she told herself.

She rose, sleepy and slow like honey, letting the light soak her fur and light up her wiry bed-head. She stepped into her plush, bubble-gum pink slippers.

She took a deep breath. Although the ovens of Sugarcube Corner would be cold for the day, the smell of cinnamon still lingered. It drifted lazily through the air, guiding her down the stairs and into the kitchen. The smell strengthened and blended with vanilla and nutmeg.

Shuttered, the windows of Sugarcube Corner kept the air dark and cool and sleepy. She started with the milk, pouring it into a bowl and placing it in the microwave. It began to warm, and she fetched her relics for the morning ritual.

First, the chalice, that gilded porcelain bowl decorated in cartoonish designs. Then, the spoon. Not just any spoon, but the best spoon in the drawer, with a thick plastic handle filled with a glittering blue fluid that animated the plastic fish bobbing inside. Of course, the ritual was far from done.

The Daring-Do mug. The cocoa mix. And lastly, the most precious of additions, without which none of the rest mattered.

She clambered up to the top shelf, where she always left it. Its special spot. The divine and supreme cereal to lord over every breakfast for eternity, branded with all the marketing it could ever need: its name proudly emblazoned over a shower of multicolored puffs.

Frosted Mega-Sugar Crunch Supreme. Trademark of Oats ‘n’ Friends.

She gently stroked its cardboard and plastic box. Zero grams of cholesterol. Zero grams of fat. A negligible quantity of vitamins, minerals, and essential dietary fibers. But enough sweetness to provide twenty percent of a sane pony’s calorie intake in pure sugar for the day.

The appropriate serving size was four bowls, as such.

She tenderly placed the box of concentrated diabetic shock beside the bowl, adjusting it to a perfect parallel angle to the fishy spoon. Mug in one hoof, the microwave beeped exactly as she opened it. The milk was the perfect temperature: hot enough to easily dissolve the unnameable mix of imitation cocoa but cool enough to start drinking immediately.

The table was set. The clock chimed, six in the morning on the dot. Pinkie sighed easily and lowered herself into her plush-backed chair, and poured herself a bowl of cereal.

She instead got a puff of purple dust.

Slowly, she looked down at the bowl. The bright but chipped paintings of lollipops and chocolate bars were still visible. Her eye twitched. She exhaled, placing the box back onto the table with a thunk.

It was alright. The day isn’t ruined yet. After all, she still had plenty of cereal left from the sleepover on Friday. She hopped off the chair to the pantry and swung the door open. Smiling lightly, she reached for the top shelf and groped around for a fresh box.

The look froze on her face. Her hoof swept side to side, more and more frantically.

“No,” she muttered. She scooted a stool to the pantry entrance and scaled it. She pulled herself to the top shelf. It was empty.

“No, no, no,” she said again, her voice rising. She clawed at the empty space, desperate to find something hidden, invisible. This couldn’t be happening. How much cereal had they eaten? Rarity!

“No!” she screamed it this time, tearing away from the pantry. She ripped open drawers and closets, scattering cookware. Each empty cabinet slammed shut with the ticking of the clock. Her breath quickened until she was hyperventilating.

This can’t happen. It was Sunday. Sundays had to be perfect or they couldn’t be Sundays and they couldn’t be perfect without Frosted Mega-Sugar Crunch Supreme, brought to you by Oats ‘n’ Friends. The jingle rattled through her head, off-key and droning. She laughed as she pulled a drawer out onto the floor, but it was halting and shrill and hysteric.

“Because breakfast should be fun!” she sang through gritted teeth, sweat forming on her brow.

It’s fine. It’s fine. She tore open the last cabinet and spilled its contents. Nothing. Nothing nothing noth--

She stopped. Laying on its side, undisturbed by the chaos, was a familiarly-shaped red box. Her hooves trembled as she took it, turning it over to see the front.

Cheery-O’s.

The images gave her hope. On its front, a dangerously overfilled bowl spectacularly burst with milk and nutty-brown loops. A spoon, far larger than any professional would ever use, impacted with the overflowing bowl but somehow kept the loops perfectly positioned inside. Above the orgy of cereal, a cartoon bee. Its large, sympathetic eyes promised salvation in the form of sugary relief. It promised home.

She sniffled a bit, wiping away tears she didn’t realize she had. She lovingly consecrated the empty box of Frosted Mega-Sugar Crunch Supreme to its trash-can grave, and the newcomer took its place.

It was almost the same. The cocoa was colder, and the carton of milk had broken into a sweat, but there was still time. The Sunday could be saved. She sighed, her breath trembling with resolve, and poured the cereal.

The soft tinkling of puffed corn and oat falling into the bowl filled the room. Then, the milk. It bubbled and fizzed slightly as it filled the gaps and pores, floating the cereal to the top. She stopped the flow as it reached the perfect level. Just enough for the cereal to float, but not so much as to upset the critical balance of milk-to-cereal in each spoon.

Finally, she took a careful scoop, and ate it.

She took a tentative chew, then another. The crunch was right, and the bee on the box smiled at her. Then the milk dissolved in her tongue, and she tasted the cereal for the first time.

“Oh Celestia.” The spoon fell dramatically, clattering on the floor. Her gut clenched. Something was wrong.

The flavor didn’t envelop her mouth like Frosted Mega-Sugar Crunch Supreme. It wasn’t bright and bold it was… sinister. It spread across her tongue like a spider web. It was tough and dry and stale and flecked with hard particles. She gagged, desperate to choke it down. Her tongue lashed against her molars, and each time she found a fleck stuck between her teeth, the reaction started all over again. She could taste it in her throat. She could taste it in her brain.

Choking, she grabbed the mug off the table, Daring-Do watching in helpless horror as she guzzled the lukewarm fluid. It flooded her palate with notes of chocolate and high fructose corn syrup. Salvation.

She necked the rest of it, her tongue desperately slurping up the carefully-planned residue at the bottom. She rolled it in her bottom lip, slurping it and smearing it against her teeth. The staleness melted away. With a final gulp, it was gone, and she let the mug fall from her hooves.

For a while, she laid there, trembling in her chair. The memory of the taste throbbed like a tumor in her brain. The chocolatey residue smeared across her face dribbled down her chin. Her body lurched. Slowly, she looked down at the box. The bee stared at her, his smug smile mocking her, his engorged, bloated fingers pointing accusingly at her.

“Why would you do this to me?” she said, her voice a hoarse whisper. Her trembling hooves took the box and turned it over. Cold, black-and-white text stared her in the face. Her eyes raced over it.

Iron? Vitamins A and B? Oh, Celestia, was that… dietary fiber? At the bottom of the list, the last number stood there, arrogant.

1 gram of sugar per serving.

Her hooves trembled with horror. She gagged. Something was building in her throat. Pinkie Pie staggered upright. It was worming its way over her tongue, leaden and harsh. It was stale. Staler than death.

“It has an…” She swallowed. “Aftertaste.”

She rushed to the sink and opened the faucet before sticking her mouth beneath it. Water rushed down her throat hard enough and fast enough to nearly drown her. It flushed her taste buds. The acrid, bitter nothingness wouldn’t let go. Defiant, it clung to her tongue despite her pleading and sobbing.

After what seemed like hours, it faded. She shut off the faucet and collapsed. Water dripped down her mane, collecting underneath her. The world seemed hollow and distant, echoed in the drops of water. A chill wracked her body.

The monolith of cruelty stood unflinching on the breakfast table. The cold, jeering eyes of the bee staring down at her. She crawled towards it, leaving behind a trail of tepid water.

She searched the eyes of the bee for some sort of pity, of empathy. She found none. Defeated, she collapsed back into her chair, staring blankly at the drifting Cheery-O’s.

Why does this exist? she thought. Why would somepony make this? Somepony had to sit down, willingly, and create Cheery-O’s. But why?

The lifeless eyes and cruel smile of the bee stared through her.

Ponies are supposed to be good to each other, to love each other. Strangers are just… ponies we haven’t met yet. The thought swirled through her head like the cereal in the bowl, slowly becoming soggy and incontinent in structure.

A terrifying idea blossomed into her mind, a poisonous flower growing thorny roots.

Could I be friends with the pony who made Cheery-O’s?

It perplexed her. She walked out of her chair, her hooves dragging through the scattered cutlery. Of course I could, right? I mean, ponies want to be nice to each other. Maybe it was a mistake. She nodded to herself, rationalizing it. Yeah, a mistake. This wasn’t meant to get released or eaten by anyone. Maybe some ponies…

She gagged.

Like it?

She shook the idea away violently. No, no, no. It was icky, awful, no-good, terrible cereal. There was not one teensy inch of flavor or sweetness or good taste. It’s like eating the box!

What does it take to make cereal? The answer eluded her. She paced in front of the box. There’s… there’s gotta be stuff like quality testing and sampling and science and things like that. And a launch party, obviously, where they serve it in bowls to--

This time, the gag was strong enough to double her over.

Maybe I was eating it wrong. She looked across the floor, spying a half-gutted sack of sugar. It’s probably meant to be eaten with sugar. But the longer she looked at the bag, the more she came to realize that no amount of sugar could convince her to put Cheery-O’s into her mouth again.

Ok, Pinkamena, let’s just calm down for a second here. There has to be a reasonable explanation. She trotted back to the box of cereal, ignoring the surge in adrenaline when she locked eyes with the bee. Nopony would create cereal that bad on purpose. It’s probably some ponies who got started making their first cereal! That has to be it! I bet there’s a contact number for the company that made it, and I can give them a call and ask them some questions and we’ll all be friends!

For the first time since breakfast began, a smile spread across her face. It would absolutely make somepony’s day to get some gentle, constructive criticism. She turned the box over, looking for a name.

The blood drained from her face.

Rainbow Dash had never flown faster.

Every Sunday, as one would expect no less, she trained. Twenty kilometers, back and forth, coming closer to beating her best time every day. Then it was deadlifts, wing flexes, and one cheeky Razzin’ Razzbery smoothie at her favorite spot. And every single Sunday, on her way back, Pinkie Pie would be waiting with balloons at the finish line of her run. No matter what time she came back.

But not today, and when Rainbow Dash arrived at the finish line, Rainbow Dash left half the rooftops in Ponyville in shambles in her wake. In fourteen seconds, she was at Sugarcube Corner. Her pulse pounded. She twisted around to beat down the door, only for a passing breeze to open it.

She paused, then cautiously entered.

Blenders, spatulas, and stirring bowls were strewn over counters below empty cabinets. A bag of sugar, now crawling with ants, was collapsed between a broken salt shaker and a spice rack.

A lump built in Rainbow Dash’s throat. The cry caught in her mouth mid-scream when a pile of cookware collapsed with a crash of metal and glass, and Pinkie Pie rolled out of it. On her back, she looked up without moving, her mane wrapped around her placid face.

“Oh, hey Dashie,” she said in a monotone. “Do you think ponies are born good?”

Rainbow Dash coughed out the suppressed anxiety. “P-Pinkie, where the heck were you? I was worried sick!” She looked around with a raised eyebrow. “Did you guys get robbed or something?”

“No,” she answered vaguely, staring at no spot in particular on the ceiling. “I was just thinking. A lot. So what do you think? Are ponies born good?” She rolled to her haunches and stared at her hooves. “Can we be good?”

Rainbow Dash stared at her for a while before choking out an uncomfortable laugh. “Ooookay, Pinkie, you’re starting to freak me out. What’s going on?”

She said nothing, instead just pointing to the breakfast table. A dry brown stain marked the tablecloth where something had spilled. Inside the bowl was an unidentifiable mass of brown-sludge floating on milk.

“Ew, gross,” muttered Rainbow Dash under her breath. She took the open box of cereal off the table. “Cheery-O’s? Since when do you eat something that isn’t Frosted Mega-Sugar Crunch Supreme?”

“Brought to you by Oats ‘n’ Friends,” sang Pinkie Pie flatly.

She cringed. “I’m gonna need you to stop creeping me out, buddy. What’s gotten into you? Look at this place, it’s a mess! Twilight’s gonna be here soon for the picnic, and I don’t see a single trebuchet.”

Pinkie Pie stared through her, her eyes lifeless and adrift with doubt. Rainbow Dash felt an uncomfortable creeping in her spine. She looked down at the box. A bee with the same blank eyes stared up at her. She shrugged and stuck her hoof into the box.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but tell you what,” she said, pulling out a hoofful of brown loops. “I’ll give you a hoof cleaning up the place. But you owe me one, alright? I mean, I had to rush down here and everything. Totally gonna kill my image.” She popped them into her mouth. “So how about you pull yourself together before… before…”

Rainbow Dash chewed slow and hard. She couldn’t swallow. The box fell to the ground. A damp mass of what felt and tasted like wood shavings was lodged in her mouth. Then it broke apart, and the taste of it wafted across her tongue.

“Oh,” she murmured. “Oh my Celestia.” Her head spun around desperately before spying a trash can. She galloped to it and spat. The mass of stale oats clung to the plastic before oozing down. It fell with a wet thump.

Her head suddenly felt light, and she realized she was hyperventilating. She staggered back to Pinkie Pie and her voice shook. “Pinkie… what did I just put into my mouth?”

“Cheery-O’s,” she whispered.

“That was… that was… Oh, Celestia.”

“The aftertaste,” mumbled Pinkie Pie.

“The…” Rainbow Dash swallowed hard. “The what?”

Pinkie’s eyes bored through hers. “The aftertaste.”

Rainbow Dash rushed to the bathroom. After the gagging had finally ceased, she staggered drunkenly back into the room and collapsed beside Pinkie Pie. There was a long silence.

“Dashie?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“Yeah?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Do you think ponies are born good?”

It was a while before she spoke. “I wanna think so. I mean, ponies always want to help one another, right? But…”

“But somepony made Cheery-O’s.” Pinkie Pie stared at the box, then picked it up. “And not just any pony. Look.”

Rainbow Dash rubbed her eyes in disbelief. But there it was, clear as day at the bottom of the box.

Cheery-O’s, brought to you by Oats ‘n’ Friends.

“No way,” she murmured. “How the heck does a group of ponies go from making, like, your favorite breakfast cereal to making… this?”

“If ponies are born good,” said Pinkie Pie slowly, “does that mean that a pony has to learn to be mean? Is meanness learned?”

Rainbow Dash’s ears went flat. “But that doesn’t make sense, though. If all ponies are born nice, then how do they learn to be mean? At some point they have to discover it somehow. They have to find something.” She exhaled and shook her head. “Something that would mess them up enough to make ‘that’.”

“But that means it comes from somewhere else.”

“Maybe nature?”

Pinkie Pie looked at her strangely. “What does that have to do with anything?”

She tried to organize her thoughts. “Like… bears and tigers and stuff. They hunt things and hurt animals because they need that to survive. They gotta be born like that.”

“I dunno… Cheery-O’s exist because of tigers?” She got up and began pacing. “That feels too easy. Wouldn’t it make more sense if ponies…” After a pause, she hopped over to the garbage can and retrieved the trashed box of Frosted Mega-Sugar Crunch Supreme. “I mean look! The greatest cereal of all time made by the same ponies who made Cheery-O’s! Doesn’t that mean that ponies can be born to be super nice or super mean? Think about it! Some ponies throw parties and invite everypony to get pizza, but some of them do that too but put onions on it.”

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “Then how do we make the choice? Just because ponies can be good or bad doesn’t mean that magically disappears.” She stood and grabbed a spatula off the floor. “Look, say this is Mr. Oats ‘n’ Friends. He was born a good pony and wanted to make a good cereal that would make everyone happy. But then, for some reason, he decides to make that.” She pointed the spatula dramatically at the cereal box in Pinkie Pie’s hooves. “Then one day, something snaps. He goes crazy! And for some reason, he makes Cheery-O’s. Possibly the second worst thing I’ve ever eaten.”

The two exchanged intense looks. She continued. “Now that totally doesn’t make any sense, right? If being super nice has gotten him this far, why would he do something that lousy?”

Pinkie Pie raised an eyebrow. “Tigers?”

With a groan, Rainbow Dash dragged her hoof down her face. “Forget the tiger! It’s just an example! All I’m saying is that something that isn’t necessarily a pony made him turn bad.”

Pinkie Scratched her mane. “So what you’re saying is that it's not the pony that decides to be bad, it’s… the world around it?”

“Yeah!” shouted Rainbow Dash, flailing the spatula wildly.

“That’s a… pretty good idea,” said Pinkie Pie carefully.

Rainbow Dash’s face fell. “What?”

“What? Nothing.”

“You’ve got that look,” said Rainbow Dash, pointing the spatula accusingly. “You think I’m wrong!”

“Well it’s just that I think you might be making things a teensy-weensy bit too simple.”

“Like how?”

“What about choice?”

Rainbow Dash scratched her head. “Choice? I--”

“Nightmare Moon was a really bad pony for a really long time because she was upset at Celestia.” Pinkie Pie tapped the box of Cheery-O’s against her muzzle in thought, quickly stopping after a whiff of the stale death inside. “But when we stopped her, she didn’t turn back into Nightmare Moon. Princess Luna decided to be good!”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Well, yeah, because the situation changed. The Elements of Harmony were what helped her turn good again! It wouldn’t have worked otherwise.”

“The Elements of Harmony don’t have mind-control powers, Rainbow Dash!” She waved her hooves, scattering a few rings of cereal. Rainbow Dash moved like they were drops of acid. “If they did, wouldn’t that make us bad, too? Maybe even worse than Oats ‘n’ Friends?”

They slowly lowered their spatulas and cereal boxes. “Omigosh,” said Rainbow Dash, her eyes going wide with shock. “Are we… bad ponies, too? What… what if Cheery-O’s are punishment?”

Pinkie Pie squirmed uncomfortably and turned her back to her friend. “That seems a little bit much, doesn’t it?”

“If the world affects if ponies are good or bad,” insisted Rainbow Dash, her voice getting a bit more shrill, “that means it can make good ponies bad and bad ponies good! This is the universe trying to make us good! We… we have to eat it.”

“No!” Pinkie Pie’s eyes went feral. She whipped around and grabbed Rainbow Dash’s shoulders. “Think about it for a moment! We… we have free will! We can change! We don’t have to put that… that stuff inside our bodies. It’s evil!”

Tears blossomed along her cheeks. “It’s only as evil as we are,” she whispered.

“But who decides?” Pinkie Pie shook her friend and shrieked, “Who decides who’s good and bad? We have friends, we save Equestria or the town or the day, like, every Saturday! If that’s not being good, what is? Do we need to put out fires? Save orphans? Save fires and put out orphans?”

“...Celestia, maybe?”

“Celestia?!” she trilled. “She’s a pony like anypony else! She gets upset, she gets mad, she even gets hungry, but she still doesn’t eat Cheery-O’s! How can somepony as messed up as everypony else get to choose something like that?”

Rainbow Dash clutched her head. Frustrated tears were rolling off her face. “I don’t know, Pinkie, I just don’t know. If no one can say what’s right and what’s wrong, does it even matter? Does it?”

Her eyelid twitching, Pinkie Pie let Rainbow Dash collapse to the floor. “That’s it. That’s it! Dashie, you’re genius!” A hysterical smile grew across her face and she laughed without helping it. “It. Doesn’t. Matter. It doesn’t matter! Don’t you see?” Her sobbing joined Rainbow Dash’s.

“This entire time, we’ve been thinking about it all wrong! Cheery-O’s aren’t good or bad. Well, no, they’re absolutely terrible, but they weren’t made to be good or bad! It’s all just… random!”

Wiping away her snotty muzzle, Rainbow Dash looked up at her hopefully. “Like chaos theory? It’s this thing Twi talked about once. At first it sounded cool so I listened but then I realized it was math so I kinda zoned out a little but it’s--”

“Cheery-O’s theory.” The two ponies gasped in awe. “Nothing matters! Everything is preordained; we’re just cogs in the cosmic machine! Everything that happens is planned but never for any reason!”

Rainbow Dash got up excitedly. “Then I was right! Choice doesn’t matter!”

“And everything…” Pinkie Pie chose her words carefully. “All of that randomness led to this.”

Suddenly, the secrets of the red box opened themselves to them. This cereal wasn’t evil. It was beautiful. Billions of random variables collided to create this, this perfect entity of fiber, added minerals, and a total absence of sugar and good taste. The eyes of the bee held no malice, only the peaceful serenity of one who had learned his place in the universe and accepted it.

There was no purpose, only Cheery-O’s.

They hugged, and it was like doing it for the first time. The world was free of pretense and its heart shined through. The smell of cinnamon was earthier, the colors brighter and more radiant. None were brighter than the color of Rainbow Dash’s mane, or the hue of her eyes. Pinkie couldn’t pull herself away.

“Rainbow Dash I… I think I lo--”

“What are you guys doing?”

Twilight Sparkle was standing in the doorway. Her saddlebags, full to bursting with carefully prepared picnic gear, fell to her sides. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash separated, stammering excuses.

“What happened here?” Twilight eyed the overturned kitchen. “Did Rainbow Dash see a spider or something?”

“Spiders are beautiful creatures and just as lost as we are,” Rainbow Dash said earnestly.

“Right,” said Twilight after a pause. “Well, I’ve got everything for the picnic, but we should probably get… Hey, are those Cheery-O’s? Pinkie, I didn’t know you liked those, too!”

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie said nothing. The world seemed to go dark as Twilight trotted to them and snagged the box off the ground. Without hesitation, she shoveled a hoofful of them into her mouth. She chewed with delight.

“Hey, isn’t this the box I left here last week?”

“I--”

“Hey, it is, look!” She pointed to the back. “It’s the crossword puzzle I finished! It was a bit easy to be honest. All the answers are cereal puns. Honestly, it’s a bit patronizing. Ponies can handle a little bit of challenge during their breakfasts. It’s the best time to get the brain juices going.” She popped a dozen more loops into her mouth. “Are you guys ok?”

“Pinkie, I think it’s just terrible cereal,” said Rainbow Dash flatly.

“The worst,” agreed Pinkie.

“Aw, c’mon guys, it’s not that bad.”

The pair burst out laughing, then pulled Twilight into a hug.

“I guess the world needs all sorts to go ‘round,” said Pinkie with a giggle.

“Yeah.” Rainbow Dash ruffled Twilight’s mane. “Even eggheads who like Cheery-O’s!” They hugged closely, filled with warmth.

Twilight said nothing. She reached into the box of Cheery-O’s and consumed another hoofful, feeling nothing.

Nothing at all.