Three Dates and a Prune

by MagnetBolt

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Sex, Comedy, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 7511

Twilight comes to Rarity for help with her most ambitious and poorly-thought out project to date: arranging a political marriage.

Princess Twilight Sparkle is one of the most eligible bachelorettes in Equestria. She's got a royal title, her own castle, and has never been on a date.

Rarity has been on quite a few dates, and they've largely gone poorly. This makes her the most qualified pony in Equestria to teach Twilight how to avoid embarrassing herself and win the stallion of her dreams.

There's no way anything could go wrong.

Thanks to AmpDragoness again for the lovely cover art!

Published 2018-07-13 23:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-13 23:00:01 UTC

Lesson One: First Impression

Rarity compared her last bolt of Saddle Arabian silk to the measurements she had for her client and came to the conclusion that unless she invented a new form of mathematics wherein one could fit a rather pudgy noblewoman into a very slim size zero, she was going to have to buy more silk at the cutthroat prices that they currently commanded.

“I suppose I could tell her the dress will cost twice as much,” Rarity considered. “And then I could close down my business since I’ll never be able to sell anything again. Or I could just buy silk instead of paying rent. Choices, choices...”

Somepony tried to dramatically slam the front door open.

As it was locked at the time, it was reduced to a dramatic thump followed closely after by less-dramatic and mildly humiliated knocking.

“Yes, yes, I’m already here,” Rarity said, opening the door. “If this is about the incident with the Hearts and Hooves day hats, they were clearly marked as edible and to avoid getting it wet!”

Twilight pushed past Rarity even before Rarity had a chance to greet her. “Rarity, I know how we can end the trade war with Saddle Arabia!”

“That’s wonderful, Darling. I’m glad you came over at…” she glanced at the clock. “Eleven at night to tell me. You do realize other ponies sleep, yes? Except perhaps Pinkie Pie.”

“This couldn’t wait!”

“I seriously doubt that.”

Twilight started pacing. “I should have brought a list! I should have made a list! Oh stars, this is never going to work! I was wrong! I’m sorry!”

Twilight ran back outside.

Rarity sighed and waited near the door.

Twilight dramatically threw it open again a few seconds later. Rarity had left it unlocked this time.

“It has to work though!” Twilight half-ran, half-flew inside in an awkward panicked hop like a scared rabbit.

Rarity cleared her throat. “You’ve had how many pots of coffee, darling?”

“Well I got this idea between my eighth and ninth cups, but I needed a few more to really nail down the details, except I didn’t write them down so they’re gone, Rarity! They’re totally gone! That’s why I need your help! I don’t have the details and you’re good at details!”

“Help with what, exactly?”

“I realized that the only way to fix everything is romance. Rarity, I need you.”

Rarity’s face burned red. “Well, this is so sudden! I suppose if--”

“You’re the only one who can help me get the stallion to notice me!”

Rarity’s blush faded. “Excuse me?”

“I tried referencing a few books but he isn’t a firefighter or a pirate so those scenarios won’t work.”

Rarity guided Twilight into a chair to keep her from breaking anything. “Sit. I’m making coffee--”

“Six lumps,” Twilight requested.

“--for me. I’m making coffee for me. You get water. If you ask nicely I’ll get you cold water. You’ve had entirely too much coffee already.”

“Princess Luna drinks way more coffee than this.”

“She also occasionally has hissy fits and tries to destroy the world. As much as I like her, perhaps we should emulate other ponies, hm? Like perhaps moi?”

“I can prove in at least twenty-three ways that coffee is enhancing my performance.”

“Does coffee have anything at all to do with why you’re here, excepting perhaps the lateness of the hour?” Rarity asked from the kitchen.

Twilight frowned. “No.”

Rarity returned with a mug of coffee and a glass of water. Lukewarm water. “Then get around to actually explaining your plan and I’ll point out the obvious flaws and we can both go back to what we were doing.”

“I’m going to marry the son of the Sultan of Saddle Arabia.”

Rarity almost spat out her coffee. She didn’t, because she was a lady. She almost did, because Twilight Sparkle had gone insane. “What?!”

“Historically, marriages are a fast and relatively permanent way of aligning nations. They tend to last for generations and promote a lot of cultural exchange.”

“And what makes you think he’d even be interested in marrying you?” Rarity asked. “As far as I know you’ve never even met the stallion!”

“Well… I haven’t,” Twilight admitted.

“I have,” Rarity said.

Twilight smiled “Great! That’s why I came to you! You can help me get to know him!”

“No.”

“No?”

“Twilight, Darling, my most romantically disinclined and naive friend, you do not want to get involved with…” Rarity’s nose scrunched. “That stallion.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“You sound amazingly offended for somepony who has never even had the dubious pleasure of meeting Emir Ali ibn Arabia.”

“According to my research, he donates money to charity, has been all for improving relationships with Equestria, is open to change, well-learned…”

Rarity snorted. “So you read the papers. ‘Improving relationships with Equestria’ indeed. I know when somepony is quoting the Canterlot Times at me, Twilight. You’ve spent enough time with Princess Celestia that you must know that she carefully manages her public appearances.”

“Princess Celestia is perfect in every way!”

“Why don’t you ask her for advice, then?”

“Because this is my idea. If I tell her about it, she’ll take charge and I won’t be able to prove myself.”

“Ah, we’re at the self-doubt part of the manic-depression curve,” Rarity sighed. “If you really want my advice you’d stop now before it goes anywhere. You’re simply not ready for this kind of delicate social situation. Maybe try sending him some letters, hm? Or even better, hire somepony else to write letters in your name.”

“What?! I’m an excellent author!”

“A love letter doesn’t need citations in MLA format, darling. Besides, I believe mares aren’t allowed to read and write in Saddle Arabia.”

“That was true a hundred years ago, Rarity. Why don’t you join the rest of us in the current century?”

Rarity blushed, waving her off. “I admit most of my knowledge of their culture comes from less scholarly tomes--”

“Romance novels. I’m your librarian, Rarity. I know what you check out.”

“And I know you’ve never checked out anything with hooves. We both have our areas of expertise, hm?”

“I just need to know how to make a good first impression,” Twilight said. “That’s all I’m asking, Rarity. I can handle the rest.”

“I seriously doubt that,” Rarity muttered.

“All I have to do is try to get to know him as a friend and then make my proposal.”

“Traditionally the stallion is the one making the proposal, and not until at least the third date.”

“Not that kind of proposal! I’ll make some slides and go over the numbers. He’ll agree with the logic and we’ll proceed from there with a mutually-decided schedule.”

“Oh yes, there’s no possible way a stallion could resist the siren song of pie charts and bullet points. It’s really a wonder that you aren’t already spoken for.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Was that sarcasm?”

“We’ll make identifying sarcasm part of the advanced course,” Rarity said, reaching over to pat Twilight’s cheek. “For now, you wanted to learn how to make a good first impression?”

Twilight nodded and clapped her hooves.

“Perhaps first we should discuss the importance of timing and how the middle of the night is almost never the best time for meeting somepony? Some ponies even manage to sleep at night.”

“Look, I’m sorry about the hour but I needed help now! He’s going to be in Canterlot tomorrow and I need to be sure that things go according to plan! And let me tell you, Rarity, that’s going to be really hard since I don’t even have a plan yet!”

Rarity sighed. “Panic is unbecoming, darling. The last thing you want is for him to think you’re a neurotic mess.”

“You’re right. I need to stay calm.”

“He’ll find that out soon enough, but we’ll delay it as long as possible.”

“Hey!”

“Now what you’ll want to do is use body language. If you seem nervous, at best he’ll think you’re childish and cute.”

“I want him to take me seriously.”

“Yes, darling, we have our work cut out for us.” Rarity sighed. “I’m going to stand on the other side of the room. Pretend I’m Emir Ali and greet me like we’re meeting for the first time.”

“But I came here so you could tell me what to say!”

“I need to know what I’m working with.” Rarity trotted to the other side of the room, holding her cup of coffee. “On your own time, Darling, but I want to get at least some real work done before the end of the night.”

Twilight took a deep breath and walked over, her chest puffed out. “Good evening, sir. I am--”

“Ugh. Terrible.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Keep going.”

“Princess Terrible-- I mean Princess Twilight! You threw me off! That’s not fair!”

“It was a non-starter. You can’t just start off like you’re reading off a cue card! You have to be natural!”

“If it was natural I wouldn’t need lessons!”

“Clearly. It’s like a play, and you need to be Princess Twilight, an interesting and mysterious mare who defeats cosmic threats and travels between worlds. What you don’t want is to be Princess Terrible, who reads off a script and gets frustrated because everypony else is improvising.”

“Fine, I’ll try it again.”

“No, no. You need an object lesson. Go back to the table.”

Twilight walked back to the table, annoyed. “I don’t see what you’re going to prove. I just need a few tips and maybe a good conversation starter--”

She turned to see Rarity walking towards her, the mare sipping coffee and moving her hips just enough to give Twilight a glimpse of her cutie mark with each step in a graceful sine wave that looked perfectly natural, her head tilted back and hiding one eye with her mane.

“You must be Princess Twilight,” she said, looking right into Twilight’s eyes. Her voice was low, like Twilight was the only other one in the room. Which she was. But it felt more intimate than a boutique should feel. “I’ve heard so much. Good things. And bad. All of it was interesting.”

“I, um, that is--”

“Maybe I’ll have a chance to learn more,” Rarity said, blinking slowly. She smiled and turned, her tail lightly touching Twilight as if by accident, walking away and giving the Princess a better look at just how her hips moved.

Twilight watched her intently until Rarity got back to where she started.

“See?” Rarity said. “It’s quite simple. Darling, are you blushing?”

“No!” Twilight coughed.

“If you say so, Princess.” Rarity smirked, half-hiding it behind her coffee cup. “Do you think you’re ready to try again?”

“I can’t walk like that,” Twilight said.

“I know. I’ve seen how you dance.”

“I mean if I walked like that, he’d think I was, that I was--”

“That you were interested in him?” Rarity tilted her head. “I believe that was the point, non?”

“I’m not trying to look like I’m easy! This is supposed to be a political alliance, not about wiggling my butt!”

“He’d be much more interested in your alliance if you grab him by the bits of a stallion that do most of their thinking for them.”

“Ew! Rarity!”

“If that’s a problem, I think you’ll find significant difficulties with your ideas about marrying him.”

“It’s not a problem.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Then try to get my attention, darling. If you want to get romantic with him, even if it’s for an ulterior motive, you’re going to have to make the first move.”

Twilight pursed her lips and walked over, tossing her mane and trying to keep eye contact like Rarity had.

“I don’t believe we’ve met,” she tried, holding out a hoof to shake.

Rarity took it. Instead of the expected shake, she kissed the Princess’s hoof.

“It’s a pleasure,” Rarity said. “I didn’t know this land had such beautiful gems. I must compliment your husband on finding such a fine mate.”

“Oh, well, um…” Twilight coughed and smiled. “I’m not married.”

“No? Then the ponies here must be blind, because there’s no other excuse for ignoring your beauty.” Rarity leaned in closer. “Perhaps we should discuss your unfortunate lack of companionship further?”

Twilight nodded quickly.

“Indeed, I have only once seen a pony whose beauty matched yours.” Rarity sighed. “Oh, how I pine for my lost love. She was as beautiful as you, though her mane was nicer.”

“Her- what?”

“She had curls in it, though of course she could pull off almost any look.” Rarity sighed. “If only Rarity was here! How I miss her so!”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Rarity.”

“Oh! How it wounds me to hear the name of the most perfect pony! Her hip to-barrel ratio! Her thigh gap!”

“You know what, I think I’ll figure things out,” Twilight said.

“But I haven’t even started talking about how soft my coat is!”

Twilight took a deep breath. “You’ve given me some good tips. Thank you.”

“Mm. It won’t be enough, you realize. There’s more than just making a good first impression.”

“The rest is the same as building any other friendship,” Twilight countered. “I’ll be fine.”

Rarity shook her head as Twilight left.

She didn’t lock the door, in case Twilight changed her mind.

Lesson Two: First Date

A day went by, and the door was locked.

Twilight dramatically slammed the door open anyway.

“Rarity! You were right and I was wrong!”

Rarity looked up from what she was doing.

“Oh, hello, Twilight. I was just working on a little arts and crafts to pass the time. I’m waiting for a shipment of Saddle Arabian silks to be delivered. Terrible price gouging but that’s to be expected. Would you like to see my needlepoint? I think it came out quite nicely.”

“I don’t see how this is the right time.” Twilight took it from Rarity’s grasp and turned it around to look. “Oh har har.”

Carefully embroidered were the words ‘I told you so.’

“I’m thinking of finishing it with a nice border and having it framed. Perhaps it will be a nice wedding gift for you and Emir Ali, hm?”

“There isn’t going to be a wedding at this rate!” Twilight tossed the needlepoint aside. Rarity caught it before it hit the floor and carefully put it away. “He wants to go on a date with me!”

Rarity gave Twilight a look.

“Okay yes, don’t say it.” Twilight groaned. “A date is a good thing.”

“At least we’ve established that much. If we’re being honest, darling, I didn’t think it would even go this far. I assumed you’d meet him, exchange a few words, and decide to abandon your plan.”

Twilight stopped pacing. “Why would I do that?”

“Well now you’ve had a chance to meet him! He’s hardly your type.”

“Type isn’t important,” Twilight said. “It’s a political alliance.”

Rarity rubbed her snout, trying to fight off the growing headache. “Why are we even having this discussion, then? If you don’t care about romance, then just show him your charts and offer to cut him into the profits.”

“It’s not like I don’t want it to be romantic.”

“What you mean is, you want to have your cake and eat it too.”

“What I want is to do something good for Equestria.”

“Yes, I’m sure everypony will be impressed by your sacrifice and duty and such,” Rarity yawned. “It’s just a date, and as I recall you already said you just needed to try and be friends with our Ali ibn Arabia, hm?”

“You know I’ve never been on a date,” Twilight muttered.

“I am painfully aware of the fact, yes.”

“I need to know what to do and how to act. And don’t tell me to act natural! Acting natural for me means I have time to study and bring flash cards.”

“Ah, so the backup plan can be having waiters hold up a script for you to read.”

“I need help Rarity, please! I’m sorry about being a little rude last time. I just don’t want to be such a bad date that he gets offended and then goes back home and it sets back diplomatic relations by decades and the trade war drags on until ponies are starving in the streets and then war is declared, thousands dying in combat all because I couldn’t make small talk!”

“I’m amazed you were able to say all that in one breath whilst in the middle of hyperventilating,” Rarity said. She gave Twilight a hug, holding her until the alicorn calmed down.

“I’m scared,” Twilight admitted, whispering.

Rarity sighed. “Against my better judgment, I’ll help you.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, now. Chin up. There we go. Give me a smile, hm? Good. Now, obviously, we can’t just go out on a date ourselves. Not while you’re in the middle of courting somepony else. I’ll heat something up in the oven.”

“Right.” Twilight nodded. “I’ll just, um--”

“You’ll go outside and pretend you’re here for the date,” Rarity said. “And fix my door while you’re at it.”

Twilight lowered her head and nodded again, slinking outside. She cast a quick repair spell, fixing the damage she’d done to the lock, and sat on the doorstep.

It didn’t feel at all like when she’d come running at top speed (after several teleports to get her from Canterlot and back to Ponyville, unable to wait for the train lest her schedule fall apart entirely). She’d barely seen the door even while she was running through it. She’d just been thinking of the safety on the other side. Now she was ready to collapse from the stress and Rarity’s front door loomed as large as Canterlot’s gates.

She started pacing. If she didn’t look at the thing it wouldn’t be as bad.

“Okay. I just have to knock, and greet her, and not look like an idiot.” She gasped. “A gift! Should I have a gift? This is so unfair! Rarity just threw me out here without even telling me what I was supposed to do!”

She caught a glimpse of the door in her peripheral vision. She turned away quickly.

“Maybe I can get some flowers before she’s done with the food. Wait! I don’t even know what we’re eating! What if it’s something I don’t like!”

There was a coughing sound behind her that she ignored.

Twilight started drawing in the dirt with a hoof. “Okay. I’ll get some flowers. Then I’ll come back, and--”

Her sentence ended in a sharp yelp as she was dragged to the door by her ear. Rarity stood in the open doorway, looking annoyed.

“Twilight,” she said flatly, her horn glowing. “Why it’s so good to see you. Such a surprise.”

Twilight smiled weakly. “Could you…”

“Help you inside? Of course. You seemed to have some trouble finding and knocking on the door.”

Rarity gave Twilight gentle encouragement by almost yanking her ear off.

“Ow! Ow! Stop!”

“Oh I’m sorry, darling. I get a little rough sometimes. Some ponies like it that way.”

“I don’t!”

“Your loss,” Rarity sighed, letting go. “Now, aren’t you going to greet me?”

“Um… you look great,” Twilight said. “I like what you did with your mane?”

“Compliments are a good start. But what if I was a stallion?”

“Stallions can have nice manes.”

“Darling, most stallions can’t be bothered to try. If they’re wearing something, compliment that.”

“You’re not wearing anything though!”

“Most dates have would have to work much harder to get me out of my dress. Now come to the table!” Rarity walked over, and Twilight followed until she actually saw what was at the table.

Rarity had set it perfectly. In just the few minutes Twilight had been outside, she’d added an array of forks, spoons, and knives with surgical precision. There was even a fork just for pickled hay!

“It’s beautiful,” Twilight gasped. Then she looked at the other side of the table. “Except for that.”

“Hm? You couldn’t possibly be referring to your date?” Rarity smiled and adjusted the poniquin. “I even dressed it in a cute little suit!”

“I thought I was dating--”

“Me?” Rarity grinned. “Oh Twilight, I’m flattered! If you were a touch more serious I’d consider it. This is practice, though, and I don’t want to break your heart, so you’ll be dating Mister Blank today. Feel free to fill in whatever you like. The conversation might be a little one-sided.”

“I’m not going to learn anything sitting across from a dummy.”

“Trust me, it’ll be exactly like the real thing.” Rarity patted the stuffed dressform. “Why don’t you make some small talk while I get the food? I’m afraid there’s only the one course. You’ll have to imagine the soup and salad yourself.”

“Rarity!” Twilight frowned as Rarity left, the mare clearly aware that Twilight was watching her leave. Nopony moved their hips like that unless they intended on being watched.

When she’d vanished into the kitchen, Twilight huffed and looked at the essentially-empty seat across from her.

“She’s supposed to be giving me a lesson, not making fun of me,” Twilight complained. “How am I supposed to learn anything about making small talk when I’m alone? I don’t even know what she’s thinking!”

“Tut tut, Twilight, talking about another mare to your date?” Rarity called out from the kitchen. “That’s a classic mistake. He’ll only get jealous! Jealous ponies are terrible dates!”

“He’s not using his napkin, Rarity! Maybe it’s because he’s inanimate!”

“Again, that’s a nod towards reality. When I met him he preferred to use the tablecloth!”

“Now I know you’re lying.”

Rarity stepped out of the kitchen carrying a tray. “You should be making conversation with your date, darling. Go ahead and ask him how he’s finding Ponyville.”

Twilight sighed. “Emir Ali, how was your trip to Ponyville? Oh? You came to get help from a friend and instead of helping they’re making you have pretend teatime like a filly playing with dolls? That’s a shocking coincidence! The same thing happened to me just the other day!”

“Much better. Here’s dinner! I believe Madam ordered the pain avec tomate et fromage?”

Twilight mentally translated. “Bread with tomatoes and cheese?”

Rarity put a slice of pizza on her plate.

Twilight frowned at it.

“I wanted to pick something that wouldn’t challenge you,” Rarity said. “I know your table manners are already refined enough for any situation, though I can’t say much for somepony else whom you might be sharing a table with.”

Twilight’s stomach grumbled and she picked up the slice of pizza. Rarity knocked it out of her grip, putting it back on her plate.

“Really, Twilight? You barely even waited for me to finish a compliment before you go and try to prove me wrong! You use a fork and a knife in a formal setting, no matter what the entree is!”

“It’s just pizza!”

“And if you’re getting pizza on a date with royalty, you need to use a fork and knife!” Rarity chided. “He probably won’t even though he’s getting the better end of the deal by far, but that’s no excuse for you to be rude as well!”

“Nopony eats pizza with a fork and knife.”

“I do.”

“Nopony else does.”

“Princess Celestia--”

“Eats pizza like a snake. She just folds up a slice and swallows it whole.”

“No she doesn’t!”

“I was her personal student. I know exactly how she eats pizza.”

“Well you shouldn’t argue with the wait staff,” Rarity said, lifting her nose. “It’s unspeakably rude. If somepony can’t treat a waitress well, they won’t treat a significant other well either.”

“You’re not a real waitress, Rarity.”

“And that kind of talk is how you get kicked out of a restaurant even if you are a princess!” Rarity grabbed her plate, sweeping it up.

“Rarity! Come on!” Twilight’s stomach grumbled annoyance. “I didn’t eat before coming here!”

“That sounded almost entirely unlike an apology.”

“Just give me the pizza, Rarity!”

Twilight grabbed for it, struggling to grab the tray and plate from Rarity’s grip. The ceramic vibrated as the two magical fields clashed.

“Twilight, let go before--”

The plate shattered.

Twilight, surprised, let go. A slice of hot pizza fell from Rarity’s tray and hit Twilight’s face. The steaming-hot mozzarella surprise made her cry out more in shock than any actual pain, and she jumped up, her hooves hitting the table and knocking it over, forks and knives flying. A steak knife hit the floor next to Rarity point-first, vibrating ominously.

“Get it off! Get it off!” Twilight yelled, panicking. “It’s too cheesy!”

“Hold still!” Rarity ordered, pulling the pizza free. Or most of it, anyway. Greasy cheese matted Twilight’s snout like a moustache.

“Is it off?” Twilight asked, her eyes shut.

Rarity leaned in and kissed Twilight's nose. “All better. You’re just fine. My table setting is less so.”

Twilight’s cheeks burned red. “Sorry.”

Rarity sighed and sat on the floor next to Twilight, pulling the remaining slices of pizza over. “You’re a very difficult mare to help, Twilight.”

“It wouldn’t be difficult if you’d just do what I asked.”

“You mean tutor you for a date that could only end in disaster?” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Darling, that’s far more difficult than you think. I wish you’d let me talk you out of the whole mess.”

“It’s to prevent a war, Rarity,” Twilight grabbed one of the remaining slices, nibbling on it.

“What war? The one you’re imagining?” Rarity scoffed. “Darling, you could do nothing and a year from now you’ll have forgotten all about this mess. Going on this date is inviting disaster and heartbreak.”

“It’s just a date,” Twilight argued. “It’s like a tryout to see if we’re compatible.”

“Twilight. You already said it doesn’t matter. Don’t pretend you’re giving it an honest chance. You’ve just got an idea stuck in your head and you refuse to listen to reason about it.” Rarity took her own slice, eating it quickly before it could cool.

“I always listen to reason!”

“You make charts to justify why you aren’t listening to reason, it’s hardly the same thing.” Rarity raised a hoof quickly. “I know full well how statistics can be manipulated, Twilight! I’m sure you have a whole speech about why you think marrying some stallion you barely know is a good idea.”

“It’s not a whole speech,” Twilight mumbled.

“Perhaps instead you should look at the consequences, hm?”

They both reached for the last piece of pizza at the same time.

“You can have it,” Twilight said, immediately.

“Darling, your stomach was growling more than anything that Fluttershy has ever taken care of. You take it.”

Twilight blushed and took the pizza.

“It’s really good,” she muttered. “Sorry about ruining things.”

“You’re not quite as bad as all that. At least you’re self-aware enough to apologize. I suppose I’m just jealous.”

“Jealous?”

“Well, darling, I haven’t had a date in quite a while.”

“You?” Twilight tilted her head. “But anypony would be happy to date you!”

“I’ve had offers, but I’m waiting for the right pony to notice. I’ve dropped a few hints, but they’re about as opaque as a full set of encyclopedias.”

“If they can’t take a hint, maybe you should make the first move.”

“Mm.” Rarity sighed. “Come along, and let’s get that moustache off your face before you go back to Canterlot.”

“Moustache?” Twilight touched her snout. “How long has that been there?!”

Rarity giggled. “Don’t worry. It looks dashing.”

Lesson Three: First Kiss

“No.”

“You can’t just say ‘no’, Rarity!”

Rarity pushed the door harder, trying to get it shut and go back to her busy night of ice cream and the kind of novels that she had to take home in a plain paper bag to avoid questions.

“Ow! You’re crushing my hoof!”

“I wouldn’t be crushing your hoof if you didn’t put it through the door!”

“Rarity, just open the door! This is an emergency!”

Rarity tried one last time to close it, but her visitor stubbornly refused to move. She groaned and relented, walking away from the door even more annoyed than she had been.

“I think it’s already bruising,” Twilight said, rubbing her hoof.

“It’s your own fault,” Rarity sighed, collapsing back on her lounge. She grabbed for the ice cream and groaned when she found it had melted while she’d fought with the door, levitating the container to the trash and dropping it in.

Twilight shut the door quietly. “I’m in a delicate situation.”

“Yes, you’re trapped in a boutique with a mare who keeps inexplicably doing insane things. No, I’m sorry, that’s the delicate situation I find myself in. I imagine your issue is actually to do with--” Rarity sighed dramatically. “Ali ibn Arabia.”

“Yeah,” Twilight admitted. “We, um. We had a date.”

“And it went so well you had to return here from Canterlot, again, to tell me how he swept you off your feet and offered to buy you from Celestia for three carts of prunes and an attractive young camel wrapped in silks.”

“You know, Rarity, I have a funny feeling you really don’t like him.”

“That is an astounding deduction. I applaud your skill at deciphering subtle social cues like when I told you directly that I didn’t like him. You could do so much better, darling! There are stallions and mares who are practically throwing themselves at you!”

“Now you’re being crazy, Rarity. I’d notice if ponies were interested in me!”

“Would you? I apologize.”

“If you really don’t want to help, I’ll go. I can ask Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash--”

“You’ll do what?! They couldn’t be romantic if their lives depended on it!”

“But at least they’ll try to help. I can bounce ideas off of them.” Twilight shrugged. “Sorry for wasting your time.”

She pulled at the door and Rarity’s aura slammed it shut.

“Don’t you dare!” Rarity got up. “If you’re going to go through with this farce you could at least avoid embarrassing yourself!”

Twilight smiled. “So you’ll help?”

“Congratulations, Darling, you’ve badgered me into helping you. But this is the last time! You understand? The last time!”

“Thank you.” Twilight bowed.

“Don’t-” Rarity sighed. “So what is it now? Since it’s too much to hope that you want my advice on how to break up with the stallion, perhaps it’s about what perfume to use? How to get along with his other wives?”

“It’s… wait, what was that about other wives?”

“His father already has a rather large harem, from what I understand.”

Twilight frowned. “A harem?”

“You must be familiar with the concept. There are all those rumors about Princess Celestia and why she keeps the Royal Guard around.”

“My brother was in the Royal Guard!”

“Oh good, you can ask him how it all works.”

“I’m not going to ask him about harems! It’s not true anyway! Princess Celestia would never do anything like that. She’s perfect and pure.”

“Of course, Darling. I’m certain you know best.”

“Good.”

“After all, you were her personal student.”

“Right.”

“And there’s no way your views of her are warped or distorted by your relationship.”

“Now you’re being sarcastic again!”

“I didn’t notice. But we’ve already gone over how inappropriate it is to talk about other mares when you’re with somepony.” Rarity sighed. “So do you need advice on a second date? Perhaps I can recommend a hat? I don’t think I’ll be able to manage a dress, but perhaps if you really want his attention it’s best to do without.”

“He asked me to accompany him to the Gala.”

“Ah. Yes.” Rarity frowned. “Rather short notice, isn’t it? I’ve been trying to get a few last-minute commissions done. I desperately need to raise my rush order fee. Even without your interruptions I’m suspecting I’ll only be able to finish one dress out of the lot.” She gestured to a half-finished dress of gold silk edged in lace and pearls hanging on a poniquin.

“...When I got here you were eating ice cream and reading something.”

“You can’t rush art, darling.”

“Rush order fee.”

“Very well, you can rush art, but it’s expensive and sometimes you don’t make the deadline because you’re having a bad day!” Rarity huffed. “Now I’m afraid I can’t help you with couture on this occasion. Even if I approved of the pairing there simply isn’t enough time for anything that would be appropriate for royalty.”

“I didn’t come here to ask for a dress, Rarity. I mean it would be nice but, um…” Twilight blushed. “I already have one.”

“You got a dress for the Gala and didn’t even think to offer the work to me?!” Rarity gasped.

“You just said you wouldn’t have time anyway!”

“That’s entirely beside the point! I would at least like to have been asked!”

“Ali already gave me a dress as part of his invitation.”

Rarity scoffed. “No doubt poorly made, entirely unfitted, and borrowed from one of his fathers many neglected wives.”

“Actually he had it made for me by his personal stylist.”

“What? The gall of that stallion!”

“I had a fitting this morning.”

“Well I’m certain he won’t do a very good job. You should call off the whole thing.”

“You want me to call it off because he gave me a thoughtful gift?”

“No, no. That would be silly. There are so many other better reasons!”

“Rarity, I just need your help with one thing, and it’s not a dress, and I’m not going to tell him no when I already said I’d go with him!”

“As I recall you already claimed to have things well in hoof. What could you possibly want from me?”

“I need you to teach me how to dance.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Dancing. The main event for couples at the Gala is the dance and if I can’t manage it, I’ll look like an idiot in front of everypony in Canterlot! It would be the biggest disaster since the Smooze!”

“Normally I’d think you were exaggerating but I have seen you dance.”

“So you’ll help?”

Rarity sighed. “I suppose there’s no other option.”

“Great!” Twilight smiled. “I need to know how to waltz, tango, and slow dance. If we spend a few hours on each, I can be ready in time for the Gala!”

“Or, instead, you can learn one dance well enough to avoid making a scene, hm?”

“But--”

“One dance, Twilight.”

Twilight sighed. “Fine.”

“You’ll thank me later.” Rarity stepped over to her gramophone and started flipping through her records. “Since I assume Pinkie won’t be coming, we’ll skip the Pony Pokey, hm?”

“So what will we do?” Twilight asked. “A tango?”

Rarity smiled, placing a record on the turntable. “It would be considered extremely improper in his culture. Perhaps I’ll teach you a few steps later, but I think something more formal is appropriate.”

She lowered the needle, and the room filled with a classic waltz.

“A waltz will almost certainly be played, and the steps are easy to learn,” Rarity said. “He will lead, so you only need to worry about following him.”

“So what do I--” Twilight shut up when Rarity took her hooves, pulling her up so they were leaning on each other.

“Dancing with a partner is a matter of trust. You only have two hooves on the ground, and so do they.” Rarity took a slow step, pulling Twilight to move with her. “If they fall, so do you.”

“That’s a lot of pressure.”

“It’s why dancing is romantic and intimate,” Rarity corrected. “You’re relying entirely on another, you read their body with your own, your weight and theirs shifting as one, trying to be more graceful than either of you could manage alone.”

Rarity gently walked back and forth with Twilight, keeping a firm grip on her and steadying them both when they stumbled.

Twilight smiled a little. “A-am I doing okay?”

“Just fine, Darling. Watch me, not my hooves. Feel through my shoulders how my hips are going to move.”

Twilight nodded, keeping her eyes fixed on Rarity’s.

“The basic step is called the box-step. Once you master that, the rest is just reading your partner and moving to the music.” Rarity smiled encouragement. “Right hoof back, then left hoof. Then bring your hooves together and repeat. Use the music to anticipate your partner’s motions.”

Twilight nodded. “This isn’t too bad.”

“You’re doing fine, darling. Of course that’s because I happen to be an expert. If you dance with somepony who knows what they’re doing, they’ll correct some of your mistakes.”

“You really are good at this,” Twilight admitted.

“Now we’ll start turning. Just make it part of the steps you’re already doing.” They worked their way around a circle a few times, Twilight growing more confident as they moved.

“I think I got it,” Twilight said.

“The trick is doing this with a different song, and a different partner. A much poorer one, by my estimate.”

Twilight frowned. “You really don’t like him.”

“Of course not! You want to marry him!”

“Why does that matter?!”

The record scratched as the music came to an end, and Twilight stumbled at the sudden noise. Rarity couldn’t catch her. They fell in a tangle of limbs, Rarity on top of Twilight, their lips almost touching.

“Rarity--”

Before Twilight could say whatever it was she was going to say, Rarity pushed through the last bit of distance between them.

It was a long few seconds before their lips parted.

“You…” Twilight whispered.

“Me,” Rarity agreed. “I told you there were much better ponies ready to throw themselves at you, but you weren’t listening.”

“I didn’t think you meant you were…”

“You’re not very observant, Twilight.” Rarity’s horn lit up, a spark appearing in the air and touching Twilight’s leg.

“That tingles!” Twilight gasped.

“It feels different when it’s somepony else’s magic, hm?” Rarity asked, the mote of light moving along Twilight’s thigh. “It’s a lot different from rubbing up against a lonely-looking dictionary.”

“I only did that once!”

“Did you stop because you were afraid of papercuts?” Rarity moved the mote closer, feeling Twilight’s breath catch as it swirled in small circles.

Twilight nodded quickly, ready to agree with anything. “Stop teasing me!”

“As you wish.”

Rarity stopped teasing her.

The boutique filled with the small sounds of love and whispered encouragement. Neither pony noticed time passing, too wrapped up both metaphorically and literally with hooves and wings. Their bodies pressed hard against each other, their flesh straining to turn two into one.

They moved faster and harder against each other until bursts and twists of pleasure turned into a long, drawn-out conclusion that hit Twilight so hard she almost crushed Rarity with the strength of her need.

Twilight just lay there for a moment in the afterglow, breathing. Rarity smelled like sweat and strawberries. She felt herself drifting, the excitement and release leaving her exhausted and ready to collapse into sleep in the unicorn’s arms.

“I can’t believe you did that,” Twilight mumbled.

“We did that. You were quite enthusiastic as well.”

“Where did you even learn how to do that?”

“You’re not the only one who can learn from a book. Though my study material was far more exciting than some dry textbook.”

“Did you…?”

“Finish? No. But this was about you. That said, I wouldn’t mind if you decided to stay and return the favor...”

“You know I’m in the middle of dating somepony.”

Rarity pouted and nuzzled Twilight, moving her chin so the alicorn could look her in the eyes. “Even worse, you’re in the middle of dating two ponies. You have to make a choice, Twilight.”

“This would have been a lot easier a few weeks ago.”

“A few weeks ago I wasn’t afraid I was going to lose you to a prince from a far-off land. Really, Darling, that’s the kind of thing I’m supposed to do, not you!”

“Well, if he has a harem maybe we could both--”

“Don’t even start with that.” Rarity huffed. “I’m not going to share you, Twilight Sparkle.”

Twilight was quiet for a few moments. She looked to the window, seeing the grey light before dawn, the horizon starting to glow. Then she wiped at her eyes, sniffling.

“What’s wrong?” Rarity asked.

“I have to go,” Twilight said. She didn’t move to get up.

“No, you don’t.” Rarity squeezed closer to her chest. “You can stay.”

“I could,” Twilight agreed. “That’s why I have to go now, while I still can.”

She pulled away, finally.

Rarity watched Twilight stumble toward the door, past the half-forgotten half-finished dress pushed into the corner.

Twilight hesitated with the door half open. She turned like she wanted to say something, then she fled into the early morning.

Rarity got up and closed the door, leaning against the cold wood.

Final Exam: First Dance

“You look beautiful in those silks.”

Twilight made a noise, distracted.

“Are you alright?” Emir Ali ibn Arabia asked, finally getting Twilight’s attention.

“Hm?” Twilight looked up from her food. “Sorry. It’s just been a hectic week.”

“I was afraid your meal was sitting poorly with you,” he said. “Your Equestrian food is, and I mean no offense, quite bland to my taste. Perhaps soon I will be able to host you in my own home and you can enjoy the many flavors of my land.”

Twilight smiled weakly. “I’d like that. I’ve had some Saddle Arabian food, but I’m sure it’s not nearly as good as an authentic experience.”

He nodded. “You’re right, Princess Sparkle. There’s nothing quite like the real thing. Perhaps you have heard of the philosopher Jaunty al’Star?”

Twilight perked up. “You’ve read al’Star?”

“Of course. Saddle Arabia has a long history of scholarly pursuit. When Discord drove Equestria into chaos, it was our honor to preserve the culture and learning of the world. To this day the oldest and finest colleges are in our borders.”

“As I remember, al’Star wrote about authenticity as a philosophical concept. He railed against ponies that acted in what he called ‘bad faith’, which he defined as acting the way they thought they should, like playing a part, rather than how they would act on their own.”

“Indeed.” Ali picked up a canape. “This food is made to look pretty, but it’s empty at its core. Food to look good on a buffet, rather than something you could eat every day.”

“Yeah…” Twilight frowned. For a moment she’d seen something on the dance floor. A flash of white, purple, and gold. “Did you see that?”

“Hm?”

“I thought I saw… There!” She pointed.

“A rather attractive mare. A friend of yours?”

“I’ll be right back. Hold this.” Twilight gave Ali her drink and made her way onto the dance floor, ducking through the slowly twirling ponies until she reached her goal.

“Oh, Twilight, I was wondering when you’d notice me,” Rarity said. She let go of her partner. “Thank you for the dance, darling.”

Her partner bowed and vanished into the crowd.

“Was that…?”

“Twilight, we had a conversation just two days ago about how it’s improper to discuss other mares when you’re on a date.” She offered her a hoof. “Come along, we’ll make a scene if we stand still.”

Twilight blushed and took Rarity’s hoof, letting her lead as they danced among the crowd. “Why are you here? How are you here? The tickets sold out months ago!”

“I happen to know some very important ponies,” Rarity explained.

“You got a ticket from your clients?”

“Oh no, I had to crash the party. I just wanted to remind you that I’m well-connected! It was far too last-minute to actually get a ticket. After all, I had to resize this dress to fit!” She winked. “I’ll have to refund her deposit but it was worth it just to see the surprise on your face.”

“You crashed the Gala?!” Twilight hissed.

“You didn’t leave me much choice.” The music changed. “Ah, good. This is our song, darling.”

Twilight’s ears perked up. “This is a tango. Rarity, you never taught me how to tango!”

“Don’t worry, this is an excellent time to learn.” Rarity swept her into a spin. “After you left, I realized you would never make the right decision unless I came here myself.”

“And what is the right decision?”

Rarity dipped Twilight and kissed her.

“Oh.”

“Darling, I don’t have tickets for the Gala, but I do have two for what I’m told is an excellent show in Las Pegasus.”

Twilight bit her lip. “If we leave now, we can catch the late train before it leaves.”

“What about Ali ibn Arabia?”

“I thought I wasn’t supposed to talk about other ponies when I was on a date?”

“You did learn something.” Rarity smiled and pulled her back to her hooves.

Twilight’s horn glowed softly, and they vanished between the beats of the song.