The game: Battlefield 3.
The map: Operation metro.
A small unit of American soldiers had been sent to infiltrate Paris through the metro tunnels, under orders from commander Douchebag, fresh out of Colorado.
At the front of this operation, a squad of four American soldiers spawned in, followed by six colorful miniature ponies, all dressed up in military jackets, and carrying guns.
Pinkie pie was the engineer, treating RPG'S and grenades like firecrackers.
Rainbow dash was the Assault, striking swiftly, quickly and cleanly.
Twilight the recon. Being able to focus would help out her team.
Rarity support, since the bullets around her neck somehow seemed like a nice design for a coat.
Applejack was the engineer as well. Any tanks that need repairs or help getting out of craters and ditches was up to her.
Fluttershy was the Assault as well, Equipping both the small and large medical bags to help any inured friends.
(Yes, I know this isn't BF4. just roll with it.)
Behind them, Octavia had taken on the role as drummer boy, or in her case, Cello mare.
Derpy just sat AFK. The four U.S soldiers started forming up a plan.
Engineer: Ok, guys. here's what we do. Noob, follow me to the escalators. we'll provide suppressive fire at flag---What the sam shit is that"?
The mane six had started to move forward past the others, when they were stopped. Twilight looked at the engineer confused.
"What"?
Engineer: "YOU! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU"? He asked as both sides looked confused.
The noob and sniper stepped in.
Sniper: "They look like those ponies from that show creepy perverts watch."
Noob: "No, no. I think they more like cavalry units from the Barbie expansion to Total war: Empire."
Rainbow dash flew forward, pissed off. "I'll make you eat those words!" But twilight pulled her away with her magic.
"Rainbow, not now! we have to move!" Another U.S soldier ran by.
"Honey, listen to Twilight. the more time we waist not killing the reds, the less time we can spend in bed!"
Rainbow dash just scoffed. "Fine!" She went with the other soldier to flag B.
"Come on, dough boy. lets go kick some ass before we can get some ass!"
The BFF'S looked on, confused.
Engineer: "Are they..."?
Medic: "Yes. I guess they are, I'm not gonna judge."
Recon: "Ok, lets move."
As they approached the escalators at flag B, the bodies of several U.S soldiers dropped to the ground; The Russians had captured the flag. Engineer: "Shit! they got the flag!" Recon: "AHH, damn it!"
The engineer tried to think about what to do. Engineer: "Ok, ok. Noob, follow me as planned. Recon and medic will take a flanking rout. The rest of you, just push in."
Medic and Recon: "Ok." "Got it." Twilight hesitated, then proceeded to do as she was asked. "Alright, girls. lets go get them!"
"YEE-HAW! lets go Russell up some Human prizes!" The rest looked at Applejack confused, before running up the escalators.
Meanwhile, Rainbow dash and the anonymous soldier had killed numerous enemies, Rainbow dash even strangling and snapping necks of some. "Well, what now?" Rainbow asked.
The soldier smiled. "Well, we are behind enemy lines, far away from the action. I'll say we start up some action ourselves, if you know what I mean!" Rainbow grinned seductively, and kissed him while pushing him down onto the floor of the apartment at point C.
Back at B, The Americans suffered heavy casualties, Octavia having already prepared a miniature funeral for some of them, playing her funeral music off of her cello, barely audible over the gunshots.
Every time a soldier fell, and wasn't revived, Octavia rushed over to the spot with her cello, and began to play, while the other pony soldiers prepared a new coffin.
The BFF'S squad was huddled behind the center wall, where grenades were being tossed in left and right.
Engineer: "Jesus Christ! How many are back there"? Recon: "I don't know, but we have to do something!
we cant stay here!" Medic: "They come around that corner any second! we might have to fall back to A, and prepare a counter-attack." He tuned in to his radio. Medic: "Squad bravo, how are you holding up?"
Simon:"Uhh, not good sir! not good at all!" An endless stream of grenades was being flung at squad Bravo, pinning them.
Suddenly the medic received a new radio transmission. The voice belonged to the Lieutenant leading an attack elsewhere at the Siena crossing.
"Hey, uhh. this is the grand wizard. I'm gonna need you guys to get moving. Commander Douchebag is monitoring your progress, and he is not happy. If you all fail, I will banish you from space, and time. Butters! YOUR LOSING! STOP LOSING!!"
Medic: "GOD DAMN IT! Alright guys, this is all or nothing. lets just charge, pray for the best, and if not, fall back and reorganize at C."
All: "Got it!" They all charged at full speed, giving out battle cries, only to get cut to pieces by numerous MG nest and snipers camping in corners.
However, the luck of the dice would eventually turn in favor of the U.S. C flag had started to change control, so some of the Russian sergeants sent men over to investigate. This was going to be a very annoying thing encountered in all Conquest games: Trying to find that one lone enemy in the capture zone.
The squad of soldiers had breached the two apartments around C, but no enemies. They checked the bushes, and still did not find any.
They checked that truck sitting in the middle of C, and still couldn't find any. At least one soldier was roaming around the building right next to the right entrance to the metro station itself, when he heard strange noises.
It sounded like Peter griffin and Lois griffin at it if Lois had a sore throat, or something. The soldier entered the building, and found the two enemies at the top floor. He smiled, and was about to call for his friends.
"Hey, guys! I think I fou---OH MY GOD!!!"
What he saw could only be described as a horse-shaped smurf going down on a usas-12 frag rounds noob.
Neither of them reacted to his presence, but the one on his back just pulled out his M1911pistol, and shot the frozen soldier in the head dead. The rest made it to the top, only to shriek in horror, which now the other two noticed.
The rainbow horse hovered off the ground, and toting her M16, angrily shouted "WERE HAVING A PRIVATE MOMENT!!!" as she sprayed her gun all over the place and killing all 3.
Suddenly, blue tinted text appeared above her head: YOU HAVE BEEN PROMOTED.
"Lets go down and make out in that truck by C. at least we can contribute something to the team." The U.S soldier said.
All the way at flag A, the Engineer, noob, sniper and medic spawned in. Engineer: "Ok, ok. Everyone, take up positions around the perimeter and hold them off while we await for reinforcements."
Everyone else: "GOT IT!" The mane five were retreating back here as well. One of the retreating soldiers was angrily shouting at Rarity demanding ammo.
Ammo guy: "Come on, man! AMMO!" he shouted. Rarity was offended. "That's no way to talk to a lady! until you can learn some proper manners, you'll have to hoof it!" She walked away, leaving the poor guy enraged.
He started to angrily stomp around, kicking and screaming while a soldier nearby was operating a bleep machine.
A wounded soldier ran up to the group, limping with half his facial skin torn off.
"Help me! OH GOD, HELP ME!" he screamed.
Fluttershy let out a horrified shriek and flew over, along with the noob to help him.
Noob: "Ok, where does it hurt?" The soldier looked at him. "Wait, what? it doesn't matter! heal me!!"
Fluttershy objected. "NO! we cant help til we know where it hurts!"
Noob:"Is this a big bag, or a little bag problem?" he asked. The medic was surprised.
Medic: "Noob. stop. Don't do this again. we talked about this on Golmud railway." Fluttershy held up two of her bags. "Is this gonna require a big bag, or little bag?"
Medic: "You too??" Fluttershy and the noob looked at him angrily. "Yeah! These bags contain different things!"
Medic: "It doesn't matter! Just throw one down!"
Noob: "We cant do that, because we don't know whats wrong with him!"
Medic" Are you serious? IT. DOESNT. MATTER!" The soldier looked at them impatiently. "How long is this gonna go on? Am I getting help, or not?"
Fluttershy hesitated. "Well, I---"
Medic: JUST THROW HIM THE FUCKING BAG!" Fluttershy screamed, and dropped the bag as she curled into a ball, and hid behind her wings. The soldier healed, then walked off. "Thank you!" The noob was upset at the medic.
Medic: What?" Noob: "He is going to have severe side-effects!"
Medic:"It doesn't matter! Its a game! He'll be fine!" The noob and medic continued to argue as Fluttershy trembled behind a trashcan.
A line of U.S soldiers had taken up positions along the perimeter of objective A. Among them were Pinkie cake,
Twilight zone, Rarity, Fluttershee, and Applejack-ing off. (sorry girls, I couldn't resist.) Many of the soldiers were new to the game, and as a result, inexperienced and pissing their pants when the Russians gave their battle cry of "URA!!!"
A random soldier named REX spotted them coming from the far end of the subway tunnels.
"HERE THEY COME!!!" A bullet whizzed toward them, and took the face of one guy clean off, killing him instantly. Several more bullets rained from the direction of the enemies, killing or injuring several more. "Open fire!!" A medic screamed. Everyone opened fire, killing several advancing enemies. Some of the Russans even came at them brandishing knives.
Some were killed as they stupidly made head-on attacks with knives. Some managed to kill at least one that was already injured. Some who were not idiotic just snuck around, and took the tags of U.S men.
Pinkkie pie was throwing grenades out of her seemingly endless supply of frags, making Metro 10x worse. One soldier noticed this, and wasn't happy.
"How-how are you throwing so many??" Pinks just laughed. "I just am." Numerous amounts of enemy soldiers were sent in the air screaming, as the fragmentation grenades went off. Applejack just looked at the puzzled man, and said "Sir, just ignore it! Its just Pinkie being herself. Yall are gonna give yerself them there aneurisms if yall keep wondering!"
Suddenly, Rainbow dash and her human boyfriend spawned in. Engineer: "W-Where the hell were you guys at??"
The soldier and Rainbow dash each explained in short quick burst.
"We were at C."
"Getting busy."
"A little too busy."
We were discovered, and were bought out for execution."
"But we killed them all."
The soldier chuckled. "I guess yo could say..."
Rainbow dash puts on her sunglasses. "We fucked them all to death." She then gave a battle cry, then charged.
Not so much as shooting her gun, she started flat-out hoof-fighting them. At one point, she proceeded to get on top of the shoulders of one enemy, her belly button in his face.
"Heres a little kiss from me to you!" She triumphantly screamed, as the soldier suffocated from the combination of Rainbows hind legs around his neck, and her belly button "Kiss".
Despite the heavy fighting, her boyfriend just stared. "I uh, I need to go AFK, and use the bathroom!" However, before he could, a stray bullet struck him in the willie. H e thrashed around on the ground, screaming in pain.
Applejack stared pitifully at the man on the ground. "Yup. that's what ya for sharing private information!"
After Rainbow dash had finished "Fucking them all to death", She walked over to her boyfriend, shot him dead, and then he respawned.
She turned to him with a calm voice. "Come on man, we got work to do." The soldier started to stutter. "Yeah. i'll just be right back. I need to-" Rainbow dash pulled out her pistol, and aimed it at his crotch.
"YES MAME!"
As the unit slowly pushed up, another radio transmission was received. "This is the grand wizard!" (Explosion)"We have broken through their lines, and we are en-route to your location, over!!" (Sniper shot) "SNIPER! Clyde, he's in the building! hit him with the rocket! Hit him now Clyde! Clyde? Clyde!" Unbeknownst to the lieutenant, in the real world,
("Clyde, you asshole!!")Clyde was AFK looking at pony porn. "GOD DAMN IT, WE LOST CLYDE!"
Medic: "Well, we got some good news for once, are reinforcements are on the way!"
Noob: "You sure? It sounds like they have a noob on their team."
Engineer: "No, they probably don't. He could be better than you."
Noob:"You have no way of knowing that!"
Engineer: "We have been playing together since 2012! I know what a noob looks like, NOOB!"
Suddenly, more gunshots were heard. Medic: "Guys, shut up. We have to focus. Ok, I spotted two enemies. Recon, Purple pony, your up."
Twilight and sniper prepared to take aim, when they were suddenly knocked over by Derpy, who had finally started to move. "OOPS! My bad!" She said.
The others had to take the shot since SOMEPONY interrupted them.
After taking care of those two, they proceeded towards the escalators around B.
Twilight motioned to the rest of the mane 6. "Alright girls, theres a lot of them upstairs. Be ready. Watch each others flanks, and stay alive!"
Mane 5: "OK!"
They charged up, being greeted by a line of soldiers waiting for them, guns aimed for their heads. Behind them, dozens and dozens more. Suddenly, The line of soldiers disappeared, A lone U.S soldier with a golden eagle, and the number 100 on his helmet; carrying a knife charged in, and Discord himself appeared behind the wall of enemies.
Before they knew it, the Lvl 100 colonel had literally cut down the hundreds of enemies, strangling the last one and tossing his corpse aside. Then, a large American soldier with a thick, bushy mustache jumped out, and pointed at their corpses, screaming out "Banned. Banned. Banned." One-by-one, they disappeared. However, at least one lone enemy unit was taking aim from behind a pillar, but just when he was about to fire, a group of 4 units arrived and gave his position away. Discord turned around, and the soldier opened fire 4 shots from his rifle.
But discord used his magic to curve the bullets towards that guys friends, killing them instantly. The lone soldier looked at the bodies, then at the 3 new arrivals, ready to pounce. He proceeded to pull out his pistol, and killed himself.
The BFF'S and mane six looked at them in shock and awe. BFF'S "COLONEL!!"
Colonel" Sorry I'm late. I had to steal one of their jets at the Caspian border, and crash it here. The scene then cut to the wreckage of a SU-25 fighter jet in the streets of the city.
Rainbow dash eyed Discord suspiciously. "Wait, whats he doing here?" Discord answered. "Oh, I just heard about your little game you all bought for your "Playstations" and decided to join when I heard Fluttershy was in it."
Engineer: "Ok, but why is the administrator here? This isn't his server!"
Administrator: "Yeah well. About that." (Flashback)
Original administrator: "Ok, lets get this server up and running and--" ( YOU HAVE BEEN BANNED FROM THE SERVER)
Sniper:"But, how?? that's impossible!"
Administrator:"After seeing the crazy shit this guy can do, we uhh decided to team up! Its a match made in heaven!"
Engineer: More like hell."
The group had made it to objective C, where the entire enemy team was gathering for a final stand. There was already a heavy firefight going on around the flag. Nearby, A balding pregnant woman and her midget boyfriend (Oh wait. its a 43 year old alcoholic and his nephew) were trying to push into the apartments.
Uncle Lou: "Derek, Derek. I'm gonna need you to push into the building, ok? Stop Trying to quickscope with your sniper rifle and help me God damn it!"
Derek: "Hey uncle Lou, look out!" AN RPG had been fired, but Derek was able to get out of the way, but his uncle wasn't.
Uncle Lou: "OW! God damn it! My arm is missing! How the hell am I supposed to drink my beer now??"
Suddenly, the reinforcements arrived. A bunch of 4th graders, and a gay stereotype had come to the aid of our heroes.
Eric cartman: "Warriors of Kupa Keep, CHARGE!!!" The 4th graders swarmed the battlefield, being led by the great commander Douchebag himself. One of the kids dressed in orange was shot by a sniper.
Stan: "Oh my god! They killed Kenny!"
Kyle: "You bastards!"
The gay guy jumped onto a unlucky enemy, who went far up his butt. Another enemy soldier was killed, his face torn completely off.
Mr. slave: "AHH! Jesus Christ!"
A enemy tried shooting the kids, but one of them was riding in an armored wheelchair. HE ran over the guy, crushing him.
Timmy: "TIMMY!!"
Eventually, the flag was captured, and both teams just sat in their bases, waiting for the game to end, knowing the U.S victory was assured.
Engineer: "Wow. you guys were a great help."
Eric:"We would have gotten here sooner, but Kyles Jew tactics caused us heavy casualties at the river."
Kyle: "No, it wasn't. We took heavy casualties because we did not have a lot of medics fatass!"
Eric: "Your a lower rank than me, Kyle. which means you respect my authority! And my authority says it was you that causes this to be a pyrrhic victory.!"
Kyle: "Screw you fatass! Lets see what Douchebag says."
Douchebag: "...."
Jimmy: "Wow w-w-w-what a ter-t-t-t-terrific b-b-battle!"
Twilight looked at the engineer. "So, now that we won, what happens now?"
Engineer: "Oh, the screen just flashes a bright white, the game ends, and you see your score."
Twilight looked a little worried. "Will this hurt?"
Engineer: "Just a little." As soon as he was done speaking, the game ended, and the bright flash appeared.
Rainbow dash: "Ow."
Final score:
Engineer: 23 KILLS 9 DEATHS.
Medic: 30 KILSS 7 DATHS.
Sniper: 22 KILLS. 6 DEATHS.
NOOB: 5 KILLS. 32 DEATHS.
Mane six: 50 kills combined. Pinkie: 20 KILLS. 0 DEATHS.
Rainbow: 15 kills. 1 death.
Twilight: 5 kills. 1 death.
Applejack: 3 kills. 2 deaths.
Rarity: 7 kills. 12 deaths.
Fluttershy. 0 KILLS. 0 deaths. 100 revives.
