Blindsided

Three days had passed.

Lazuli was hardly aware of the passage of time, only really privy to it thanks to the constant comings and goings of other ponies. As much time as she possibly could, she spent with Cirrus. She sat by her bedside, unmoving, or even just staring out the window, like a guard dog who hadn’t been told to leave. Whenever she had to leave, she always stayed just outside the hospital, which was when she realized the whole building was patrolled by guards. Part of her would have thought it was overkill – if it wasn’t her wife.

It was on the third day that someone else came to visit. Neither one of them had any family to speak of, so she was both surprised and completely unsurprised when Steel Resolve walked in, having to duck slightly to fit through the door. As he stepped in, he had a look on his face that Lazuli had rarely seen from him, but her own thoughts didn’t allow a single ounce of care for his feelings.

“…Hi, Laz.” He said. It was clear he wasn’t used to being comforting, or even situations like this. The only real experience he had with death and injury like this was with soldiers or operatives who volunteered knowing it was a possibility – not a civilian who just worked as a resource administrator and seamstress.

“About time you paid a visit.” Lazuli’s nostrils flared. She was sitting in a chair at the side of the bed, but she had made sure she was directly in the way between the door and Cirrus.

“Look, I know you must be-“

“Angry?” Lazuli growled as Steel gently shut the door, or as gently as he could. “Pissed? Fucking mental?” On some level, she knew her temper was a consequence of three days without any sleep, but no other part of her acknowledged it.

“And I know you think I should have-“

“Actually checked, you fucking fat pile of garbage?!” Lazuli’s rage boiled over. Steel was the first pony she had seen in these three days that she was actually angry at – the nurses, the doctors, the workers, they all did their jobs and helped her. Steel, in her eyes, had screwed up; that was putting it kindly.

Steel’s first reaction was anger, but it left his eyes as quickly as it came. Instead he just stood there, letting her get it out.

“You- you sent someone. You…you told them she might be in trouble, right? The fuck did you tell them?! What did you say to them, that they would just turn around at the door and walk away? How did they not even go in far enough to see the mare that was supposed to be in fucking custody sitting in my fucking kitchen, talking to my fucking wife?!” Lazuli, somehow, had backed the large draft horse into a corner, standing up from her chair and advancing towards him. She reared up on her hind legs, firmly planting her front hooves on his chest and glaring him in the eyes, almost nose-to-nose with him. “And you come in here, you walk in with your ears down, all whiny and ready to suck-up, when you fucking got my wife shot?!”

“Lazuli, you need to calm down.” Steel said calmly, though admittedly her demeanor had him on alert. He didn’t stop her from pushing him back, though.

“My WIFE is on that bed!” Lazuli howled, her voice raising several volume levels and her eyes starting to water – which also somewhat burned, since she hadn’t closed them in days. “You put her there! What, did you think I was just gonna get here in a few minutes?!”

“Lazuli, I’m sorry.”

“Oh, well thank fuck for that! Guess it’s all fine then, you lard-ass-“

Lazuli brought her hoof back and punched him, but as her hoof collided with his chest she only managed to hurt herself. Lack of sleep and minimal food and water made her muscles weak. “F-fuck!” She fell back a bit, clutching her hoof.

Steel waited for her to take a few breaths, then spoke calmly. “Lazuli, I understand you’re angry. Okay? I really…really do. If I was in your position-“

“You’ve never been in my position, so don’t start with that shit.” Lazuli’s voice dripped with venom.

“…You’re right, I haven’t. I’ve never been married. I’ve barely ever been in love.” Steel chewed on his lip, trying to formulate the right words to say. “And again…I am sorry. I dropped the ball.”

“You dropped the ball? That’s all you have to say?” Lazuli stood back up, but at least this time she stayed back. “You- I told you- I told you to send someone. They came…they left. They didn’t even go inside, did they?”

“They told me Cirrus seemed perfectly fine. They even stepped inside to make sure she wasn’t being held up or anything. As far as he knew, she was fine.”

“F-fucking-“ Lazuli dropped back onto her chair, holding her head in her hooves. “Just- f-fucking left her…”

“Lazuli, what would you have done, then?”

“Fucking go inside! Check around, make sure nothing’s happening! Who fucking checks one room and says it’s fine when their wife was already panic-calling?!”

“Lazuli, you didn’t tell me what the problem was. You didn’t tell me you got a foreign signal from your radio, you just said to send someone. So I did. And they screwed up.” Steel grimaced, then sat down on the floor. “What else do you want me to say?”

Lazuli staggered back to her hooves, wobbly and uncertain in her balance. “I- I want you- y-you need to say that to her. You fucked her over. Y-you, fuck, I don’t even know what you did to her, she’s not fucking- she’s not even awake!”

“I do owe it to her. But I can’t talk to her now.” Steel shook his head.

“Y-you fucking-“ Lazuli put an arm around his shoulder. “You look at me, and you promise me something.”

“Lazuli, I’m your superior. There’s only so far I’m letting you take this.”

“This isn’t between superior and operative, this is between us.” Lazuli maintained eye contact, her voice raising. “You’re going to promise me, right now, that you’ll tell her you fucked up.”

“I promise.” Steel frowned, clearly not okay with being told what to do. “But I need you to promise me something, too.”

“I don’t owe you shit.”

“No, but you owe it to yourself. You need to go home and get some sleep, Lazuli.”

“Go home?! There’s no fucking way I’m leaving.”

“Laz.” Steel put a hoof on her shoulder this time, pushing her back slightly. “You haven’t slept in days. You barely even eat. The hospital staff told me. You’re not healthy. It’s the only reason I’m even putting up with you right now.” He could tell Lazuli didn’t like that, so he went on. “Do you want this,” He gestured to Lazuli as a whole, “to be what she sees when she wakes up? A paranoid, angry, bitter, sleep-deprived maniac?”

“F-fuck-“

“Yes, I get it. You don’t want to leave. You don’t want to leave her. And I know I fucked up on keeping her safe – but I’ve got a whole squad stationed here. She’ll be protected. Everyone going in and out of this hospital is screened. She’ll be safe, Lazuli.”

“I-I can- I can’t leave-“

“You have to. You won’t sleep here, I know that. Even if they gave you your own room, you wouldn’t sleep. You’d just be here.” He gestured to Cirrus’ bed. “Laz. If you want to be able to greet her when she wakes up – whenever that is, you need to sleep. Go home, Laz.”

“I-I…” Lazuli’s jaw quivered, her eyes watering again. “I-I’ll- but-“

“Lazuli,” He said sternly, gently shaking her. “I promise you right now, I won’t let anything happen to her.”

Lazuli was clearly trying to find some way to keep arguing, but speaking this much was already making her exhausted. She looked out the window. It was getting close to evening…

“Y-you…you…you b-better keep her safe.” Lazuli finally said. She sounded defeated, and Steel picked up on that.

“Everything will be fine, Lazuli.” Steel nodded slowly. “Now go and get some rest.”

For the whole walk home, Lazuli was mentally punching herself, as she had been for the last three days. “Stupid fucking ignorant bitch…” She mumbled, gritting her teeth and stomping her hooves a bit harder with the next step. “Can’t even fucking keep her safe…the fuck were you even thinking, trusting yourself…why’d you even let him talk you into that fucking- coulda sent Manehatten guards in there, but no, fucking send the one bitch who had a god damn wife to keep safe…” She didn’t know why she was speaking out loud, but she didn’t care.

Getting home was hardly a relief. It felt like the place had been abandoned for years. Even as she stepped inside, police tape covered half of her living room, and most of her kitchen. The investigators had virtually stripped the place bare, moving all the furniture after the preliminary tests, swabbing the countertops, even taking knives and pieces of furniture for further study. The upstairs rooms were untouched, though.

As Lazuli stepped into the bedroom, her overwhelming feeling was one of sadness, followed by immense exhaustion. She clutched her forehead as she sat down on the bed.

The house was deathly quiet. Most of the electronic appliances had been shut off at one point or another, so the clocks didn’t show the right time. She dropped the bag that contained her torn suit down on the floor next to the bed.

Lazuli scooted herself into bed. It was all she could do, she thought, to try and sleep. As her head hit the pillow, it wasn’t hard for her eyes to drift shut, but her sleep was anything but restful.

She twisted and turned. Her eyes clenched tightly together, her jaw grinding so her teeth were cracking against each other. The voices from her dreams, which had been so mercifully silent the last few times she had slept, returned with vengeance. She had been avoiding sleep precisely to avoid them – but now they wouldn’t stop.

“So you couldn’t save her either.” They all said in unison, then split apart to heap additional insults on her.

“You’re pathetic.”

“Nothing but a weak-minded child, even all these years later. You put so much trust into a mare you’d never met, to the point you brought her back to where you live.”

“You did this to her.”

“You blame the commander, but he did what anyone would have done. Clearly, you put a death sentence on her head. They abided.”

“You’re just like your parents.”

“You think you can save someone, so you go out and abandon the one thing you love.”

Lazuli clutched both sides of her head with her hooves, curling up in a tight ball and sobbing in the light state of what could be called sleep.

“And you think sitting by her bedside will help? Of course, she’ll forgive you. She has no idea what you’ve done to her. She put all of her trust in you, and you wiped it all away.”

“What a selfish mare.”

“Absolutely disgusting.”

Lazuli’s eyes shot back open. The voices lingered for a few moments longer.

And the zebra walks free…

“No…” Lazuli sat upright. She looked out the window – it was barely any darker than when she had fallen asleep, but suddenly she was overwhelmed with determination. Unhealthy, most likely harmful determination, but determination all the same.

From beside the bed, Lazuli picked up her bag and pulled out her suit. She tugged it up over her body, though thanks to the damage on her back it couldn’t zip up properly. It was secure enough that it wouldn’t fall off, though, so she zipped it halfway up her back and cracked whatever joints needed it.

Once her suit was secure, she walked downstairs. It was even quieter outside, now that most ponies were asleep, but from some houses music could be heard. The town square, far to the south of her, could be heard bustling as well – but right now she was focused on the military base.

I’ll find her…Lazuli thought, shutting the door behind her and starting to walk down the road. I’ll find her. She repeated.

And she was going to be there when Cirrus woke up. She was going to be the first pony she saw. She was going to be able to sit there and tell her that everything would be fine – that Ayize was gone, and she was safe.