Blindsided

Upon leaving the base, Lazuli had been sure to pick up her suit. Despite what her superiors might try to argue, the suit belonged to her. Cirrus had made it for her, woven with diamonds in the fabric to make it more durable – a Dracony technique that Equestrians desperately wished they could learn, she knew – and the only modifications that had been made to it were the magnets and noise suppression in her hooves.

Most military personnel lived in close proximity to the base, or directly near it, and Lazuli was no exception. Since both she and her wife lived together and both worked for the military, it only made sense to be close to their workplace. Lazuli only needed to walk for about five minutes to reach their house.

It was nothing special. Two floors, two bedrooms and a guest room, a living room, kitchen and two bathrooms. They couldn’t afford much more, and even if they could, it would have been a waste for two mares.

With a flick of her tail she pulled her key out from the pocket of her suit, letting the magnet in her tail hold it firmly enough that she could fit it into the lock and turn it before pushing open the door and returning it to her pocket. The lights were dim, mostly off, allowing for the natural sunlight to filter through the windows and light up the living room. In a chair near the window, Lazuli saw a beautiful sight – Cirrus Refin, her brilliant white fur and green mane shimmering in the bright light, gently flipping through a book while her eyes danced across the pages.

At the sound of the door closing, Cirrus looked up from her book and almost immediately her expression went from neutral to ecstatic. She hopped out of her chair, happily trotting over to Lazuli and planted a firm kiss right on the other Dracony’s lips, making an adorable squealing noise that had Lazuli’s tail wrapping around her lover’s right away.

“Lazuli!” Cirrus said quickly, pecking her on the cheek again. “About time you came back, silly!”

“Sorry.” Lazuli smiled in a slightly shaky way, returning the kiss by nuzzling up to Cirrus’ neck. “Took a bit longer to fly there than I thought.” She said, though truthfully it had taken much longer to scope out the facility. “You been okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be, silly? I’m fiiine.” Cirrus started to walk in a circle around Lazuli, closely inspecting her. “You’re not hurt, right? No shots, no claws?”

“Come on, Cirrus. If I were hurt you’d be the first to know.”

“Mmm, but not ‘cuz you told me.” Cirrus playfully stuck her tongue out, then wrapped her forelegs around Lazuli in a tight hug. “But enough work stuff! You and I have a dinner reservation!”

“Yea- wait, we…do?”

“Yep! Steel told me you were coming home soon, so I set one up! That’s not a problem, is it?”

“Well- no, just…surprised you wanted to do it so soon.”

“Well I’m not gonna kid myself, Laz. I know you’re probably going out on another trip soon anyway.”

“Ah, so…you already figured that out…” Lazuli sheepishly rubbed at the back of her head.

“It’s how it always goes, right? Give you time off then cut it short because something big happened? I swear, it’s like you live in a spy movie.”

Lazuli cracked a proper smirk at that, snickering a bit. “Well if we’re going out I need to get dressed.”

“Yeah you do, our reservations in an hour and a half!” Cirrus gave Lazuli a playful tap on the cheek with her tail. “And we’ll talk all about work when we get there, mmkay?”

“Mmkay.” Lazuli gently kissed Cirrus’s tail before heading upstairs to put away her suit and change into something more comfortable for a dinner date.

Dinner, for the most part, was uneventful, but at the same time they both needed it. Time like this was rare for the two of them, not because they didn’t have the time to go out, but because Lazuli was usually too exhausted. It was nice to be able to go and enjoy a night out together, for once.

It was 8:30 when they left the restaurant. The moon had risen in the sky, a sight that Cirrus always liked to take a moment or two to admire. Lazuli had no such appreciation for the celestial objects that watched over them – she had very little appreciation for the princesses themselves, in fact, but it was irrelevant since they had little to no bearing on her. They were figureheads at this point. The government was run by the Prime Minister, a change that had come into effect about twenty years ago. The princesses retained some control of lawmaking, but not much else. Not that they did much before that, Lazuli thought to herself.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” Cirrus said, breaking the silence that Lazuli hadn’t realized was forming.

“The moon?” Lazuli looked up, then frowned. “It’s…fine, I guess.”

“Oh come on, just because you didn’t make it doesn’t mean it can’t be pretty.” Cirrus wrapped a hoof around Lazuli’s shoulder as she trotted alongside her. “Right?”

“Hrmph.” Lazuli grumbled.

Cirrus tilted her head. “Something wrong? You were all smiles at dinner.”

“Just…you know I’m not great with talking.”

“You were talking just fine back there.”

“That’s because you kept bringing up conversation things…the moon, I can’t talk about the moon.”

“Well why not? It’s pretty cool you know. Imagine being in charge of moving that thing, it’s crazy!”

“Yeah…” Lazuli glanced at Cirrus, then folded her ears back and sighed.

“Okay, something’s wrong. Pull over.” Cirrus nudged Laz with her head, making her walk over to the side of the walkway and met her eyes with a frown. “Talk to me, Laz.”

“Fine. You want to know what I’m worried about?” Lazuli winced at the stern expression Cirrus gave her, looking over her shoulder and then back to her. “I’m worried about you. About us. I’m worried I’m…not trying hard enough to keep you around.”

“…What?” Cirrus blinked a few times in visible confusion. “The heck are you talking about?”

“I’m away just about as much as I’m here, doesn’t that…bother you?”

“I…well…it kinda sucks when you aren’t around, but it’s not like I hate you for it, Laz.” Cirrus smiled. “I’m not gonna run away because you keep going out to help keep Equestria safe and whatnot.”

“Well it-“ Lazuli bit her lip, and her tongue.

“You’re looking for reasons to be angry, Laz. You’re too good at brooding.” Cirrus gently tapped her on the nose with her tail. “Don’t be a sourpuss, mmkay? You do your job, I won’t be angry.”

“…Sorry.” Lazuli leaned in and wrapped her hooves around Cirrus, hugging her tightly. The two of them shared an embrace for a moment before trotting off down the street to return home.

“Lazuli?” A cacophony of jumbled voices bounced around Lazuli’s head, the Dracony putting both hooves to her ears to try and blot them out. “Lazuli, are you there?”

“Just leave me alone…” Lazuli’s voice growled out, her eyes clenched as tightly shut as she could manage.

“You left us alone, Lazuli. We won’t make the same mistake.” The voices crowed, tones that were so familiar yet enough to tear her ears open if she hadn’t been covering them.

“I…I didn’t- I didn’t leave you…I-I was…”

“A weakling?” The voices separated now, speaking one at a time.

“Foolish?”

“Naïve?”

“Poor?”

“A coward?”

Lazuli clutched her head as tightly as she could, scooting back up against the stark-white wall and wedging herself in the corner. “I-I’m not…I’m not a…c-cow…coward…”

“Poor, poor Lazuli…” Another voice chortled. “Nothing but a filly, even all these years later.”

“What a sorry excuse for a mare.”

“She’s hardly worth calling a mare.”

“Failure would be more accurate.”

Lazuli could only curl up in a tight ball with her head between her hind legs, rocking back and forth and sobbing into her knees.

“I’m pretty sure a filly is far better than her.”

“A filly would at least try to do something.”

“Sh-sh…shut up…” Lazuli murmured into her fur, sniffling and wrapping her tail around herself.

And just like that, the voices stopped. Lazuli immediately regretted her demand – the silence was deafening, truly, to the point that Lazuli’s ears rang from the lack of noise. As she looked up, the room was nothing but white – she could scarcely see where the walls began and where they ended, and her eyes strained just at the thought. It was then that she realized she was seeing nothing, rather, there was nothing to be seen. Her body touched no surfaces except her own fur.

“This is what your parents see, Lazuli.” A single voice whispered. “Nothing. They weren’t even buried in a nice casket, remember? Tossed in a hole and buried like garbage.”

“I-it- it’s not my fault,” Lazuli whispered.

“Oh no, of course it isn’t…just like all of those ponies you killed. Your comrades, too…the ones you abandoned. They weren’t your fault.”

“I-I was- I was following-“

“Orders, of course of course…I don’t remember you being ordered to cower in that house while your fellow soldiers were slaughtered, but I suppose you had your own orders. It’s funny, isn’t it? You’re revered for the ponies you’ve killed…but do you even know how many deserved it? Or are you just a sheep, following what that fat slob tells you?”

“I…I don’t…I…” Lazuli swallowed, but there was no moisture in her mouth.

“No no, of course you don’t. It doesn’t bother you that every day, Draconies defame you, you know…the ones that know you, that is. You like to keep that ugly mug of yours hidden…Unfair, isn’t it? If your parents were still alive, they would be shunned…” The voice was suddenly in Lazuli’s ear, whispering. “…But you killed them, so they don’t have to worry.”

“I-I did NOT!” Lazuli roared, her tail lashing out to her side, but it only swung at thin air. Her breathing quickened, her heart racing as she began to gallop, hooves feeling like they were prancing along clouds as she dashed in a direction that was no more discernable than the others. She galloped and galloped, but the voices followed.

“You were a coward!”

“A fool!”

“You let them go, you didn’t even try to help!”

“I-I was a foal, I was a FOAL!” Lazuli howled, tears pouring down her cheeks as she ran faster and faster, her legs aching.

“A foal with no talent!”

“No future.”

“A foal who threw away the only ponies who ever loved her, just because she couldn’t be a mare and fight!”

“S-stop it!” Lazuli sobbed.

“You left us!” The image of a white Dracony with a deep emerald mane appeared beside her, galloping along with her. Lazuli kept running, but the apparition began to move closer.

“I-I didn’t know what to do!”

“You let them take us! You let them!”

“I-I couldn’t d-do anything else!”

“I loved you!”

“I…I still love you!” Lazuli suddenly skidded to a halt, her breaths heavy and her pupils dilated. “I-…I still…”

A hoof raised up to her mouth, shushing her. In the back of her mind, something told her this wasn’t real – but the chance to feel her mother’s touch again was one she couldn’t run away from. Tears till poured from her eyes, her expression that of a teenaged filly who couldn’t handle rebelling against her parents anymore. “M-mom, I…I want to come back…please…”

“Oh sweetie, I know you do…” Emerald Cutter tenderly wrapped her forelegs around her daughter, resting her head on Lazuli’s shoulder.

“I-I’m sorry…I didn’t…I-I never meant to…”

“I know, sweetie.” Emerald smiled warmly. “But you did anyway…”

“Wh-what?”

“You’re not coming back.” Emerald’s voice was immediately a jumbled mess again. Lazuli staggered backwards as her mother’s hooves collided with her chest, sending her back towards nothingness…

And then she tipped over the edge. She fell off of a cliff that was never there, into an endless void that didn’t exist. Her mother simply stared coldly down as Lazuli fell, and fell, and fell, her screams growing fainter by the second.

“Lazuli.”

“…Laz?”

“Lazuli!”

Lazuli’s eyes shot open, her hooves grasping violently at the covers on either side of her and her breaths running at a mile a minute. She inhaled and exhaled, her slitted pupils thin and focused entirely on the ceiling above her.

“Woah there, tiger.” Cirrus said, off to the side. She gently placed a hoof on top of Lazuli’s tail, which was raised up in a striking position. “Calm down. You’re fine, honey.”

“F-f…” Lazuli wheezed, finally letting the tightness in her chest go and letting her breaths slow down. “Gods above…what…” She began to sat up, but Cirrus put a hoof on her chest and gently pushed her back down.

“Hey. Calm down. Don’t go moving around so quickly, you nearly fell off the bed.” Cirrus pulled her to the side a bit so she wasn’t so close to the edge, then helped her sit up. “Bad dream again?”

“Really bad…” Lazuli grunted, her shock wearing off and giving way to cynicism. “I wake you up?”

“It’s 9 AM, Laz. I was about to leave for work, I just figured you needed the rest…”

Already, the memory of her dream was starting to fade. “I should go too.”

“What? I thought you said that new thing didn’t start until tomorrow?”

“It doesn’t.” Lazuli pulled herself out of the bed, looking at herself in the mirror across from it. “I just don’t want to be here doing nothing.”

“Oh…well uh…I don’t wanna be late, so I have to go.” Cirrus hopped onto the bed to cross it, dropping next to Lazuli and kissing her firmly on the lips. “You have a good day, okay sweetie? We can talk later.”

“Yeah…thanks Cirrus.” Lazuli returned the kiss, watching as her wife trotted out the bedroom door and headed downstairs.

Then she was alone. Lazuli went from standing next to the bed to sitting on it, staring aimlessly at her own reflection and scowling at the view of the three claw marks crossing her left jaw. Though most ponies saw them as battle scars to be admired, she could only see them as marks of failure – not because she had been attacked and run away, but because these were the only injuries that stuck with her. She had seen ponies lose their limbs, organs…even their lives, and she got away with some chicken scratches to her face.

With an angry growl, she stood back up and dragged her suit out of her closet. Unzipping the back, she stepped into the four leg holes, then used her tail to pull it up her body and zip it all the way up to the back of her neck. Once she had wiggled around a bit to make it properly rest on her body, she slipped her pistol out of the bedside table, then loaded it – she always made sure not to keep the gun loaded – before holstering it at her right side and heading out the same way Cirrus had gone. It was unlikely that she would see her wife until the end of the day, and while Lazuli had much more freedom to move around and leave when she desired, she wouldn’t dream of interrupting her wife at work – much.

As she exited the house, she peered back inside…then shut the door and locked it, slipping the key back into her pocket.