Local Man Ruins Everything
Johnny Christie ruins his own story for everyone involved
“What is up, Youtuuuuube?” A twenty-year-old man with gelled-up-in-spikes neck-length dyed-white asked the camera of his black Iphone 5, the device clad in a black case, which had a hole for the greyish-white Wiimote Wrist-strap he'd secured around his wrist. “Iss'ya boi, SuperSuckit-Sixty-Nine-e-ZEE, coming at you LIVE, with a livestream! I'm livestreaming San Diego Comic-Con, 2017!”
He abruptly pulled the camera uncomfortably close to his face, the camera lens less than half an inch away from his mouth. “Except it isn't live at all, and I'm going to put a ton of MLG stuff on it later!”
“By the way, check out my costume!” SuperSuckit-Sixty-Nine, also known as Johnny Christie, shouted at his camera in an incredibly punchable manner.
Moving his phone's camera with short, sharp motions, the Caucasian and slightly-tanned midwestern American first showed off his gelled-up-in-spikes neck-length dyed-white formerly-black hair. And then, an obnoxiously close close-up of his mismatched contact-covered formerly-blue eyes, followed by a closer close-up of the left eye, covered by a glowing UV Lens that glowed with a pale blueish-gray light, and a close-up of the right eye, covered by a black and red “Madara Uchiha's Sharingan” contact lens. Then, he showed off his forehead, which had six smaller eyes drawn onto it in coloured felt pens, like the mini-eyes of that Spider woman from that one anime with the monsters, and apart from one Rinnegan eye above his Sharingan eye and one Sage Mode+Nine Tails Chakra eye above the Gohan Blanco eye, the rest were all Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan eyes from different Naruto characters. In the center of his forehead, surrounded the mini eyes, a final slightly-bigger Byakugan eye was there.
Then, he showed off his outfit, repeatedly moving the camera around every second to get a better angle. He wore a purple version of Goku's Gi over a black undershirt, with a gold-buckled black leather belt and white bell-bottomed jeans. His shoes were ordinary black-laced white sneakers with the Japanese symbol for Infinity drawn on the left and right sides with a black felt-tip pen. His purple Gi's two symbols, one fist-sized circle over his heart and one larger symbol on his back the size of a jacket's logo, had the usual Dragon Ball Z gi symbol design, a big black Japanese Moon-Rune in a black-outlined white circle. But the symbols had been changed; 米, the symbol for Rice, filled the small white circle over his heart, and a larger version of that symbol filled the larger circle on his back. Why use the symbol of rice? Because the Japanese language didn't have a symbol for Corn, according to the one Kanji website he checked before making his own costume. And who was he cosplaying? An entirely original Dragon Ball Z OC by the name of Khorn!
His outfit fully shown off, he strutted into the convention hall like he owned the place, a clear victim of Imaginary Lat Syndrome, pointing his camera around the place now and then to try and find something to show off for his viewers. Apart from one shockingly attractive woman dressed as a female version of Captain America, someone he made sure to record from as many angles as possible without her permission or knowledge, he didn't really see anything funny.
And then, someone made the mistake of walking up to him and asking a friendly question. “Hey, great convention, huh?” An averagely-built man in a Spider-Man costume asked, and got a phone's camera shoved in his face for a moment. Johnny abruptly pulled the camera back, after that close-up, now going for a few up-and-down shots of the man while talking to him.
“Yeah, I've never been to one of these before,” Johnny said with a very punchable grin. “I just want to make some memories, have a good time, maybe find my future wife.”
The Spider-Man mask covered the newcomer's face, but his doubt could be sensed, and when he spoke, it could be heard. “Good luck with that, buddy. By the way, who are you?”
Poses like the one you were about to be subjected to didn't typically look all that cool in Dragon Ball Z, despite the camera angles and visual effects and whatnot. But when a man Johnny's age posed in the real world, it looked worse. He spread his legs until his knees were further apart than his shoulders and squatted, he punched the sky with his left hand, and he pointed directly forward with his right hand, every part of that hand besides his extended forefinger clenched in a tight fist. “I'm Khorn, my Mostly-Saiyan OC! The son of Zatanna and Brainiac-5 married the daughter of Ultimate Ultra Instinct Gohan Blanco and Supergirl, and had a son, who married a time-travelling woman who had The Supreme Kai of Time, Xeno Future Trunks, an alternate-universe Cell who absorbed everything in over nine thousand universes, including many universes full of Pokemon and the universes of all animes and mangas mentioned on the internet, and an alternate-universe female Broly for grandparents, and the kids of those two separate unions for parents!” He boasted, tilting his head back and putting on a badly-forced 'Fancy rich woman' laugh. “I could defeat a million Xeno Gokus and Saitamas and Super Saiyan Blue Super Saiyan 4 Gokus and the entire Marvel and DC universes at the same time!”
The Spider-Man stared at him for a moment, and walked away without saying a word.
Johnny broke character and bent over with loud, self-indulgent laughter, making sure to record the Spider-Man as he walked away, determined to throw some hilarious music and visual effects onto that departure soon.
He walked deeper into the convention building, and decided to head to the Dealer Tables area, because hey, if there was one thing normies like the ones in his general audience loved more than buying overpriced garbage, it was being reminded that they weren't the only ones on the planet who wasted money on overpriced garbage. In addition, nothing made an existentially meaningless life slightly less painful than the momentary flash of righteous anger you felt when you saw someone overprice something.
Entering the room felt like entering a lame version of one of those fantasy marketplaces where strange things were sold, strange scents and stranger sights assaulting his senses. But then, The Merchant from Resident Evil called to him with a disturbingly good impression with a “Hey,” followed by a beckoning hand gesture. Johnny walked to his table, which displayed many assorted accessories and weapons from different popular anime, comic book, and video game characters, all sorts of cheap plastic junk he wasn't interested in.
The Merchant must have noticed this. “Does this catch your eye, Stranger?” He asked, crouching down, getting a big sword from under his table, and lifting it up for Johnny's analysis.
“Woah, it's Trunks's spirit sword, a weapon I use in Dragon Ball Xenoverse 2 sometimes!” Johnny gasped, letting his iphone hang from its Wiimote Wrist Strap for now, sure that he'd edit this stuff out later. ”How did you know I want one of those?”
“I didn't, I just sell a lot of stuff and I guessed you'd want those, being some Dragon Balls character and all.” The Merchant shrugged, dropping character.
“Can you tell who I am?” Johnny asked egotistically.
“No idea. That sword will be 200 dollars.”
“200 dollars?” Johnny asked in disgust.
“This is high-quality Damascus steel forged by a real blacksmith”, The Merchant explained, getting a Scabbard out from under the table and sheathing the weapon. “The cutting edge might be blunt now, but if you take this home and sharpen it, you'll have a real weapon on your hands. And it'll last a lot longer than some flimsy plastic sword.”
“Ok, sold,” Johnny said, getting out his wallet, pulling out twenty tens, and slamming the paper money onto the desk in an overdramatic and highly punchable manner. Then, he eyed a set of small Amiibo Statue-sized Dragon Balls. “How much for those Dragon Balls?”
“Sorry, one item per customer.” The Merchant decided.
“But I'm a paying customer.” Johnny noted.
“No, you were a paying customer. Then you had your one item, now you're in the way of me next one. Hello there, traveller!”
A woman whose existence Johnny didn't even notice until now, some attractive twenty-something black-haired woman in a hatless Genderbent Trafalgar Law cosplay smiled at the Merchant while remorselessly, shamelessly, and physically shoving Johnny out of the way with her shoulder. He angrily grabbed his phone and started to record her, determined to add all kinds of visual and audio effects to this encounter.
“I want this!” She decided, picking up some small, white, and furry northern-style hat with brown spots here and there around the bottom and bill.
“Seventy dollars,” The Merchant decided, and the woman didn't even question it. She got her credit card out, shoved it into some card-reader The Merchant just happened to have on him, typed in her PIN number, pulled her card out, and walked off with the hat on her head.
“Thank you!” She chirped sweetly, shooting him one last glare before walking away. He wasn't even sure why. What was wrong with that woman? And why didn't she already have a Trafalgar Law hat if she was supposed to be dressing like him? Who showed up at a convention like this with some important part of your cosplay just missing from your ensemble, hoping some merchant at the place would be selling swords for a reasonable price?
He decided to hit the bathroom stalls and check out what shows were coming up later, which meant a three-minute wait in line at minimum. Minute after minute passed by as one of many sad men in a sad queue, some handling the situation better than others.
When he vanished in a flash of black magic, nobody noticed, and the people behind him moved forwards, taking his spot in the queue.
000
“Hey!” Rainbow Dash shouted in his ear.
He gasped and woke up, the light of this new world scorching his tender virgin eyes, and he wished something would fall on his head out of the blue, so he could sleep again. The voice didn't bother him, he often dreamed about ponies.
When his eyes adjusted to the light, he opened his eyes and blinked.
He felt seven tiny and incredibly strange new pains in his forehead, and he screwed his eyes shut, groaning. He opened his eyes, blinked again, and felt those strange new pains again.
Remembering the costume he'd worn and what he'd drawn on his face in front of a mirror that morning, he wondered...
He reached up a hand to gently dab at the skin of his right temple, and he kept dabbing closer and closer until he gently touched something small and round, something that didn't like being touched.
Hissing, he pulled his hand away. He didn't have a mirror, so he had to use his imagination as he blinked all eyes at once again, and felt himself blinking nine different pairs of eyelids at once.
A creeping suspicion started to overwhelm him, and nervously, he asked aloud, “How many eyes do I have?”
“Nine,” Rainbow Dash said, and when he opened his eyes, he saw her in the air in front of him, curiously flapping in the breeze.
He took this shocking development in an unnervingly calm and mature manner, because he convinced himself he was in a dream, which meant he felt he was simply playing along.
Except not really, he screamed like mad, and a violent corona of what felt like pure “Punch Energy” surrounded his body, causing him to scream more. He screamed and screamed until Rainbow Dash flew off to get Twilight. And then, he kept screaming, and screaming, until Twilight showed up and magically did... something... to his mind that made him calmer. And strangely lighter.
“I'm good... I'm... good...” Johnny gasped, panting for air. “Sorry, guys, I was freaking out because I've been warped into a world full of ponies. But I'm not from here, I'm from a world where all of you are fictional characters, but I'm an even more fictional character. All of you are characters someone named Lauren Faust made up, in a show called My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, but I'm a character I made up, his name is Khorn.”
“Oh.” Twilight said in surprise, and paused for a moment, thinking about this.
“Twilight, what did you do to him?” Rainbow Dash demanded, but in a funny “Wow, what did you drink?” kind of way. He didn't feel up to describing things any better right now.
“I calmed him down, and now I'm going to use a Truth Spell.” Twilight explained, her horn lighting up with a blazing purple light, and launching a beam at him.
“Could you repeat what you just said?” Twilight asked when the beam was finished.
“I was freaking out because I've been warped into a world full of ponies and I'm scared that I'll die or get eaten or something because I've never been this far away from home before. I'm not from here, I'm from an awful world where all of you are fictional characters, but I'm an even more fictional character. All of you are characters someone named Lauren Faust made up for a show called My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, and I have a crush on both of you, but I'm a character I made up, his name is Khorn. He's a Dragon Ball Z OC I made up and joked about on my videos, but I never made a character sheet or anything because he's more of a joke or mascot than an actual character.”
Twilight started to cast some diagnostic spells. “Your cells are less than a day old, but your DNA shows the telomere degradation of a male in his early twenties. Aside from your white eye, all of your eyes have their own naturally-occurring and naturally-replenishing supply of magic, and their own complex nervous systems, which are necessary for each eye to perform spells of its own, whenever you want. You're a combination of a few different life forms, but your body has so much much genetic information held in reserve... That is not scientifically possible! You are not scientifically possible!”
“Well, I'm here. And, uh...” Johnny began uncertainly, panic starting to leak through her calming spell like a dam springing a few leaks. This OC of his... Nothing about him was finalized. Nothing about him was real, and nothing about him had been canonized in a character sheet or a fanfic or a fangame or anything. This was a joke character, a gag character, a mascot, someone to joke about, someone he made up random pieces of absurd trivia about. He existed to be the subject of made-up-on-the-spot often-contradictory contradictory lore fragments, when he was bored and playing DBZ games on his youtube channel.
What did being a double fictional character, or a character that was even more fictional character mean, right now? What did it mean to be a fictional character 2?
“Khorne can drain powers by touching them, and he once drained the powers of a Pyronite!” Johnny declared, raising his fist to the sky and willing it and his whole arm to turn to magma, like the Pyronites, also known as the Heatblasts to casual fans, from Ben 10.
Nothing happened.
“Except, not really, I guess. Great, so I can only use what I said about the character before I became him. That's wonderful,” He said sarcastically, ”Because just like that stupid fan-wiki about me, I also write down everything I've ever said while bored and sleep-deprived! Along with timestamps and Blue Word links to subjects that come up a lot, like Khorn's confused and often-revised family tree.”
“Where are you from?” Twilight Sparkle asked curiously.
“Ashland, Ohio, United States,” He recited, eyes glazing over. “It's a city in Ohio, 66 miles southwest of Cleveland and 82 miles northeast of Columbus. The population was 20,362 back in 2010, don't ask me what it is now, but on my planet, it was 2017 when I was warped away, so that information's seven years out of date. It's the center of the Ashland Micropolitan Statistical Area, it's got a Welcome Sign that calls it "The World Headquarters of Nice People”, and the National Arbor Day Foundation decided that because we like trees so much, or something, it's a Tree City. Ashland was laid out by Daniel Carter in 1815, and it was originally called Uniontown, but in 1822, we had to give the place a new name, because another city in Ohio was already named Uniontown. The new name of Ashland was selected by supporters of the Kentucky congressman Henry Clay, from Ashland, his estate near Lexington. I hate Lexington. I've never been to Lexington, but it was featured in a game called Fallout Four, the worst Fallout game ever. That's a post-apocalyptic action role-playing video game developed by Bethesda Game Studios and published by Bethesda Softworks, and Bethesda, or as I like to call them, Bugthesderp, can't make games. It's a terrible, greedy, evil company that stole the Fallout IP, Intellectual Property, from those who created it. The game sold...”
He stopped, and his face met the palm of his hand. But now that he had additional eyeballs on his forehead, this was painful, and caused him to scream until Twilight cast a pain-numbing spell on him.
“How did I remember all of that?” Johnny wondered.
“Seriously, Twilight, what did you cast on him?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Just a calming spell, a truth spell, and a pain-numbing spell,” She answered.
Johnny remembered that he had his iPhone attached to his wrist with a Wiimote strap. It was a part of his outfit, which meant...
Which meant...
“No way... I'm...” He dramatically brought his right hand up in front of him, and willed his phone to appear. And it did appear, in a flash of pale white magic, permanently attached to his wrist by a spectral grey strand of unbreakable ghostly energy.”I'm in another world, with my smartphone!” He wailed.
The camera zoomed in on his face while the music guy almost played the notes to the Dramatic Chipmunk video, but juuuust different enough that he could avoid getting sued or paying copyright money or however all that jazz works.
“Roll credits!” Someone trying to imitate CinemaSins in all of its stupidity might announce, ripping off its less-funny-than-the-writers-realize inside jokes to complete their “I'm CinemaSins but for anime! Or games! Or books- Just kidding, CinemaSins fans don't read!” act. If he felt like trying too hard to seem cleverer than average, he might proceed note that the title of this work was not “In another world with my smartphone”, but was instead, “Johnny Christie ruins his own story for everyone involved”, trying to have his cake and eat it too when it came to self-indulgently ripping off bad jokes and correcting yourself for using them improperly.
“Huh?” Rainbow Dash wondered.
“Wait a minute, wait a second, wait a minute, wait a second, I'm a fictional character right now,” Johnny fully realized, starting to walk around in a circle. He instinctively dismissed his phone in a flash of vermillion magic. “But I'm a fictional character, from a fanfic I never actually wrote, in a world somepony...”
He frowned. “Somepony. Somepony,” He repeated.
He breathed in deeply, and shouted, “SOME, BODY ONCE...”
There, he'd figured out how to beat the system that forced him to substitute somebody with somepony. “WAIT”, he repeated to himself in a louder and slightly-angrier manner than before. “I am a FICTIONAL CHARACTER from a FANFIC that I NEVER ACTUALLY WROTE, in a world SOME, BODY ONCE... imagined, and created a cartoon about. That should make me even more fictional than everypony else, right?”
Curiously, he stretched his right arm forwards, and nothing happened. Then, he looked at the door of a really nice thatched-roof cottage behind him, reached for it, and grabbed the edge of its roof, even though this meant his arm had to stretch over ten feet.
“Yes, it does,” He realized, and grinned. “NIIIIIIICE!” He shouted, grabbing his right bicep, the art style momentarily changing so that everypony and everyone, himself included, was drawn in the Jojo's art style. The Ponies were drawn the way Iggy was, once Araki started to like the little guy.
“You're like Pinkie!” Twilight Sparkle gasped.
“Awesome!” Rainbow Dash cheered.
“This is amazing!” Johnny gleefully shouted at the sky. “I'm an awesome and super-strong double-fictional character aware of the fourth wall, I've got all the powers of a ton of different Marvel, DC, and DBZ characters,
A penny dropped, metaphorically speaking, and he grew terrified. “Wait,” He said. “If I'm this powerful, what is the writer going to throw at me? What could the writer possibly throw at me, besides something strong enough to obliterate me and the whole universe if I made even one wrong move?”
“What writer?” Twilight asked.
“I want a Genie!” Johnny declared. “I want a Genie, who'll grant me infinite wishes! I need one, now!”
Rainbow chuckled. “Genies can only grant three wishes, duh.”
“Hey, it's my funeral. Let me try and get infinite wishes out of a three-wish genie!” Johnny begged.
“It'll never work, and you'll only waste your wishes-” Rainbow Dash began.
“I'll get you a Genie who can grant you three wishes!” Twilight declared, her horn lighting up and glowing violently, purple sparks starting to fly from her horn.
“What are you doing?” Rainbow asked.
“I want to know what he'll wish for!” Twilight decided. “I can summon a genie of my own to undo any of his wishes if anything goes wrong.”
“Since when can you summon genies?” Rainbow demanded, and wind started to whip up around them.
“I can summon more than just Parasprites, you know!” Twilight shouted over the wind.
“You know how many times genies would have been really useful on our adventures?” Rainbow yelled. “A LOT OF TIMES!”
“Genies are tricky, Rainbow Dash!” Twilight reminded her. “I couldn't risk them making things worse!”
In a huge flash of magical purple light, the skies darkened with purple clouds, purple lightning striking the ground before them and scorching the earth. The purple clouds parted, rays of light shining upon the charred ground, revealing two bronze lamps. They looked just like the lamps from that Disney movie that'd never be made today, only bronze.
“Is this a test? They look the same to me,” Johnny admitted.
“No, this one's mine,” Twilight explained, her magic grabbing one lamp and pulling it close to her. She caught it in one hoof and sat on her haunches, ready to rub the lamp as soon as things went wrong. Her facial expression was a hilariously intense face of readiness, perfect for a meme.
Johnny took his own lamp, and prepared to rub it, but at the slightest touch, a thick cloud of orange smoke blasted out of the lamp's tip with a loud bang. From the orange smoke, an orange pony formed, with wispy locks of pink and yellow hair, and bright pink eyes. She looked normal enough, aside from the golden hoof-covering-thingies on her forehooves, and how her lower body was missing legs, and instead turned into smoke halfway down, smoke that trailed down and bound her to her lamp.
As he stared in wonder, her small and feminine voice cutely tried to sound deep and imposing. “You who have summoned me, shall now be granted three wishes!” She announced, and then, like the small print on a contract, she added, “No wishing for eternal life, the death of an enemy, or more wishes. Or more Genies.”
“What's your name?” Johnny asked.
“I'm M'filhello the Genie.”
“Why do you look like a pony?”
“This dimension's genies look that way,” She explained.
“If I wish for your freedom, will you still retain your current magical abilities, just with no limits?” He asked.
She frowned. “I hate that I'm compelled to be honest to any idiot who rubs my lamp, but... If you do that, I will unleash ten thousand years of chaos upon this dimension, because I will eventually be defeated and sealed away for eternity in stone or something. Might as well earn it, eh?”
“What if I promise nopony will turn you to stone?”
“Then I guess you're going to enjoy ten thousand years of chaos, and then, another ten thousand, and another ten thousand and another ten thousand until something stops me.” She explained. “No hard feelings, it's just how we work. Now can you make some wishes already?”
“Alright, I wish for these things I just made up called the Super Uber Dragon Balls! They're seven orange indestructible balls the size of basketballs, each one has a number of red stars that tells you which Super Uber Dragon Ball it is, they can grant three wishes in a row with no limits once every minute, and they don't scatter themselves when your three wishes are used up, they just turn to indestructible stone for a minute, and then turn back with enough magical power for three more unlimited wishes!“
“No,” She said in disgust. “Just... No.”
“Alright, fine, plan B. I wish that the word Wish was interchangeable with the word Klorfamble!”
She raised one eyebrow. “Your wish is my command,” She curiously and cautiously said, and clapped her hooves together.
There was a pulse, and it warped reality. That must have been what happened, because in one instant, Johnny became less excited over this wish, and he felt as if he'd wasted it on something utterly pointless. After all, everypony already used Klorfamble and Wish interchangeably, even though he'd never used the term Klorfamble before. And even though he'd never heard anyone use this term.
He remembered why he made the wish, and why he wanted to make the wish, and grinned. It was time for the next phase of his plan!
“Secondly, I wish that all your rules and restrictions and limitations on Wishes applied only to the concept of Wishing the word Wish is used to refer to the concept of wishing, and not to the concept of wishing itself!”
The Genie blinked, and raised both eyebrows. “You what?” She asked quietly.
“Do it!” He declared, like a child on Christmas ordering his father to open one particularly tough plastic-wrapped tough-to-open present for him.
“Your w- Your Klorfamble is my command,” She said, and clapped her hooves together. She felt the change, like a slight pinch in an internal organ, but on the astral level, not the regular one. Her limitations were not removed, but instead shifted slightly to the side, giving her a little more wiggle room.
“Wait... What did he just do?” Rainbow Dash just asked.
Twilight Sparkle stared in awe.
“Did you just wish for infinite wishes?!” Pinkie Pie gasped, because she was suddenly right behind Rainbow Dash all along, just out of the camera's view, apparently.
“No,” Johnny said smugly. “Because for my third wish, I Klorfamble for infinite Klorfambles!”
The Genie grinned maliciously. “Your Klorfamble is my command!” She cheered, and clopped.
“Yes! It worked!” Johnny cheered. “Wait, no, I have to test it first, so... I Klorfamble for a burrito with extra cheese!”
She clopped her hooves, and he got a burrito with extra cheese, and a small white ceramic plate to hold it on. “YES! IT WORKED!”
“Nopony has ever done this,” An excited Twilight Sparkle announced in a manner that could give Pinkie Pie a run for her money. “Nopony has EVER done this, in the history of magic! How do you feel?”
“Oh, I'm absolutely delighted,” M'filhello the Genie cheerily admitted, “Because I no longer have any restrictions on my wishing pow-!”
He spoke rapidly. “I Klorfamble you had to serve me and only me for the rest of eternity!”
She screamed in rage, helplessness, and existential pain as she was forced to clap her hooves together, granting his wish. Or rather, his Klorfamble. She started to cry. “Your Klorfamble is my comma-ha-haaand!” She sobbed.
“I Klorfamble that only you and I can successfully say Klorfamble, forcing everypony else in existence to mishear, misread, misunderstand, and mispronounce it!” Johnny announced.
“Your Klorfamble is my command!” She growled, clopping her hooves to make his Klorbleplop come true. ...Great, that restriction applies to the author, too? I hope it only affects me for the duration of this story. Speaking of the story...
He had power, in the form of a Genie with infinite power, bound to serve him for live. And he wasn't done yet, which meant she had to miserably and unenthusiastically clap her hooves after each wish while continuing to cry, granting each one. After every ten not-wishes, he stopped to gasp for air a few times, and resumed. “I Klorfamble that no life form besides myself can stop me from Klorfambling! I Klorfamble that no life form can stop you from granting Klorfambles! I Klorfamble for perfect control over all power! I Klorfamble to become able to Klorfamble instantaneously! I Klorfamble for the ability to have suddenly and retroactively already Klorfambled for anything I might want or need! I Klorfamble that no Enemy Stand can affect me! I Klorfamble you would always understand exactly what I mean and give me what I want when I make Klorfambles, even if you misheard them or heard the whole Klorfamble in the same instant, or even multiple Klorfambles at the same time! I Klorfamble you always had to give me what I wanted when I Klorfamble! I Klorfamble for the power to undo or erase whatever I want, even things that kill me or erase me or should logically remove my ability to undo or erase things! I Klorfamble for the ability to change whatever thoughts I want! I Klorfamble for eternal life! I Klorfamble to be immune to magical effects that might corrupt me or turn me evil! I Klorfamble for infinite power! I Klorfamble that the word Infontanny existed, and meant what infinite means only infinitely more, times ten! I wish to be infontanny times more powerful than any other being in the omniverse! I Klorfamble no being with more than three dimensions was able to harm me, or take any action against me! I Klorfamble for the ability to create anything I want to create! I Klorfamble you were unable to harm me, attack me, maliciously mess with my wishes to not give me what I want, and take any action that would lead to my undoing! I Klorfamble that no living, dead, or undead being can take any action against me, or perform any action that might lead to my undoing! I Klorfamble for the ability to double my power and the potency of all my abilities at will! I Klorfamble for the ability to give myself new powers whenever I want! I Klorfamble for infinite power! I Klorfamble to be immune to the powers of Celestialsapiens, Fairies, and any Genie besides you! I Klorfamble to be Omniscient! I Klorfamble to be able to change fate however I want, even if that changed fate forces others to make wrong or stupid moves they wouldn't normally make! I Klorfamble for the ability to retroactively suddenly already have anything stronger than me in my possession and under my absolute control all along! I Klorfamble to be Omnipotent! I Klorfamble that all life forms loved me! I Klorfamble to be Omnipresent, even within other universes and timelines and multiverses and megaverses and everwhere ever times infinity, even within other dimensions and places where there is no space and time! I Klorfamble for immortality! I Klorfamble for infinite energy! I Klorfamble for all ultimate beyond-god-level time and space control powers! I Klorfamble for absolute mastery over space and time! I Klorfamble no life form was able to hate, resent, or oppose me without falling in love with me! I Klorfamble for the ability to grant my own wishes at will! I Klorfamble that all my wishes took absolute priority above all other Klorfambles, and any Wishes, Abilities, Superpowers, Quirks, Jutsus, Spells, Enchantments, Tricks, Glitches, Loopholes, Laws, Rules, and aspects of reality and all universal laws and all reality-altering, reality-warping, and reality-limiting abilities! I Klorfamble for my personal timeline to become immune to the manipulations of others! I Klorfamble for all Danny Devito fans to become slightly better at making life choices! I Klorfamble for the power to bend all lower-dimension creatures to my will! I Klorfamble for the ability to change any aspect of anything ever! I Klorfamble for a pet Renamon who'll love me and do whatever I want!”
That final clap resulted in a tall, vulpine anthropomorphic figure coated in yellow fur appearing in front of him. Her chest and abdomen bore a white segment that reminded one of a feminine one-piece swimsuit, and she had a large beard-like patch of long and fluffy white fur on her upper chest. Two long and yellow spiky ears tipped with white fur emerged from her furry yellow head. Three long and thin spikes of yellow fur emerged from the backs of her upper arms, like tiny wings, her long arms steadily widened on the way to her huge clawed paws, and purple fingerless evening gloves were on her arms, bearing a black and white yin-yang symbol on the backs of her paws. Her long and yellow foxy tail ended in a pointed white tuft, like the paint on a paintbrush, and her animalistic fox legs, from the powerful thigh muscles down, were white, and clawed with three black claws each. Her eyes were blue, the white parts of her eyes were black, and purple lightning bolts marked her cheeks.
And, because he wanted her to do it, she instantly developed sentience, a personality similar to both Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle with a little of the personality of the character whose appearance she copied, and all the memories of Renamon from Digimon Tamers plus the knowledge that she was a copy of that fictional character, AND the determination to prove that she could become her own person, and more than just a knockoff of some fictional character, AND the desire to live a long and happy life as one of Johnny's many brides. All at the same time, which meant there could be no sequel where she had an existential crisis over her spectacularly hollow existence as the creation of a fictional character made within the wrong fictional world. Unsure of how to deal with the flood of knowledge she was suddenly okay with, within her first few seconds of true existence, she gave him a friendly wave.
“YES!” Johnny declared to the heavens.
Twilight Sparkle realized that an all-powerful god was now right in front of her, that he would probably be immune to the Elements of Harmony, and that if she ever revealed even the slightest hint of discomfort about this situation, he would probably magic it out of her and think nothing of it. She couldn't even take any action against him or turn on him without losing herself to her steadily-growing irrational love for him completely, which terrified her, not that she could show it. What fresh hell was this? Why had this happened, and why was she be doomed to live a life as some mad god's servant? Was her steadily-failing ability to hate her new lot in life all she had left? What would become of her once she lost it completely? Carefully, not wanting to upset someone who made her wish Discord had won, so he'd be around to deny the overpowered part-Saiyan his stupid Genie...
Desperate not to do anything that might make him want to take away her final minutes alone with her sanity and individuality, she asked, “Who is this?”
“I'll tell you later,” He reassured her, fully aware that it wouldn't happen onscreen, and fully okay with that. After all, having nothing left to do on-screen and having nowhere left for his story to go meant that no horrible monster could ever threaten him, his happiness, or his new pony girlfriends again. And they couldn't have dumb harem-comedy misunderstandings or out-of-character fits of jealous rage, either. Everyone loved him, everything would go well for him from now on, and nothing could ever possibly ruin that, ever. Which meant this little story of his life could never go wrong, get hard, or get a sequel. Ever, because his power was beyond maximum, beyond infinite, and beyond competition. He couldn't even appear in someone else's story without making all of its characters fall in love with him, Full Hendersoning the plot and ruining whatever story was originally happening.
He was the cancer. He had become cancer. He had gone from a character in a story to a living, breathing plot tumor that would kill any story he touched. He couldn't appear in someone else's story, either, unless it was as some sort of villain to face, but even then, nothing that happened to him would matter because unless he won in the end, as someone with his immense powers logically should, it wouldn't be canon. It probably wouldn't be canon anyway, he wasn't entirely clear on how this stuff worked, but he knew for a fact that any story where he lost would be impossible, and if it happened anyway, he could just negate the whole timeline, universe, or even the canonicity of the story itself.
He was a god beyond gods that were beyond gods who were beyond gods who'd gone even further beyond godhood.
He would have one big, happy, neverending quiet life through sheer necessity, because nothing would ever have the capability to upset it, challenge it, or threaten it.
And that, that was something he loved.
“Alright,” Twilight quietly said in what was practically a Fluttershy impression.
“Don't you see, Twilight?” Johnny Christie asked, grinning right at the metaphorical camera, because being omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient meant he knew he was a character in a fanfic about to end.
“See what?” Twilight asked. “Your power?”
“Oh, no, it's me!” He loudly and enthusiastically declared, sticking his arms out to the side and spinning on the spot, the animator reaching a new level of hatred for this guy as the camera was forced to stay focused on his face and map out all the ponies and buildings around him in a 3D space. “I'll never lose control! And you're face to face... With the man who trolled two worlds!”
