The Black Tar Heroin of the Coffee World
Princess Cadance and Shining Armor stared at the black, abyss-like ‘liquid’ in their mugs with matching looks of concern suggesting they might consider it was staring back. The ooze smelled vaguely of coffee. Well, perhaps it was more accurate to say it smelled like the pure essence of coffee; the substance was somehow compressed into a smaller space than typically thought possible by scientists. The very aroma of whatever was presented to them caused the tired eyes of the royal couple to open wide as a more alert look crossed their faces.
“I should send a sample of this to Twilight,” Shining quipped as held up his ‘Equestria’s Best Grandma’ mug in his two hooves, “for science.”
“Chrysalis, what is this?” Cadance asked warily as she held up a clear cup covered in lines and numbers in the baby-blue glow of her magic.
Chrysalis scoffed as she flopped back down on the bed the trio shared. “It’s a measuring cup, foolish pony!” Chrysalis spat out. “Are you so detached from the lives of your subjects, you are unfamiliar with such tools?!” Chrysalis narrowed her eyes. “And you claim to love your underlings!”
“No, not the cup!” Cadance exclaimed as she glanced at Shining’s mug. “You clearly picked those at random, or out of spite…” Cadance sighed slightly as she looked at her measuring cup of dreck. “Seriously, though?” She continued dejectedly. “Was my ‘Best MILF’ mug in the wash?”
“Get on with it!” Chrysalis groaned out as she made a dramatic display of making herself comfortable on the bed. This caused her to resemble a large, rather pointy, black pet of some sort.
“What’s inside the cups?” Cadance clarified.
Chrysalis opened a single jade eye, its narrow slit focusing on Cadance. “It’s that water and burnt bean substance you two are hopelessly addicted to! I’d think that’d be obvious if I was talking to almost any other pair of sapients from this horrible - mostly translucent - land.”
Shining and Cadance gave the substance a more critical look.
“It looks a bit… thick for coffee,” Shining stated.
Cadance floated her cup above her head and examined the bottom, small, barely visible particles drifted in the muck. “And a bit unfiltered.”
Chrysalis turned her entire head this time. “Your pathetic stoves are inefficient at capturing the pure essence of the beans! I ground the substance to powder with my hooves and superheated the liquid it was in with my magic, fueled by the hatred I feel for you two!” She shook her head. “If you want to force your bodies into servitude by stimulating your central nervous system, you shouldn’t resort to half measures!”
Cadance and Shining exchanged worried glances.
“I’m the mare of the household,” Cadance said, “I should drink first.”
Shining narrowed his eyes. “Wow! What century is this?! I’ll drink first!” He gave his wife a loving glance. “I can’t stand to think of a world where Flurry Heart grows up without her mother.”
Cadance gave Shining a sad look. “And I can’t stand to think of a world where she grows up without her daddy!”
Shining looked deep into his wife’s amethysts eyes with his steel blue ones. “Together then?”
Cadance nodded. “Together.”
Chrysalis’s brow furrowed. “Wait, wouldn’t that mean the child has no parents if you both die?”
Cadance and Shining floated over each other’s mugs to their partners face.
“Mon Chere,” Cadance cooed out lovingly.
“Cara Mia,” Shining whispered breathily.
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “Well… free baby, I guess.”
The pair both took a sip from the cups passed to them.
Then their worlds exploded.
-o~Soon~o-
“HahaHA!” Cadance chortled maniacally as she galloped one way then the other, papers flying everywhere. “I’ve just written all my speeches for the week! And I’ve only been out of bed for fifteen minutes!”
“And I just got back from my 5K run with my troops,” Shining said. “who are still on the first kilometer!”
“That’s great, honey!” Cadance bellowed. “But why are you brown?!”
Shining Armor grit his teeth and looked down at his forelegs as he galloped in place. Which had, in fact, turned brown. “I don’t know, but I’m sure it has something to do with all the sweating I can’t stop doing and the fact that my heart is trying to escape out my throat.”
“Oh, good!” Cadance replied. “It’s not just me!”
Watching from one side of the room, Chrysalis bore witness to the couple as they ran to and fro, cradling Flurry Heart in a foreleg. Flurry watched her parents’ antics with a look of concern and let out a small murmur of worry.
“I’m going to let you make your parent’s morning concoctions from now on,” Chrysalis muttered to the baby.
Flurry Heart let out a burble of protest and swatted up at Chrysalis as if making a point of how unqualified she was to do such a thing on account of all the baby she was.
“Bhah! Useless larvae pony!” Chrysalis snapped.
Flurry Heart just giggled, unfurled her wings, then flapped up until she was riding on Chrysalis’s back. Having landed on her Changeling Queen mount she let out several excited coos.
Chrysalis’s head rolled back and upside down to glare at the child. “No!”
Flurry Heart let out a babble of protest and swatted at Chrysalis’s chitin exterior.
“Absolutely not!”
Letting out an indignant shriek, Flurry Heart pointed to her parents - who had both turned a bit brown at this point and had already moved on to other activities. Cadance was now seemingly working on writing three letters at once as Shining Armor controlled several utility closets worth of cleaning supplies in the plum glow of his magic. He was busy sweeping, scrubbing, and polishing the crystal room until rainbows beamed out from every prismatic inch.
Chrysalis rolled her head back into its position. “Fine!” she spat out as she turned to walk out of the room. With a jade blaze from her horn that consumed her body, Chrysalis changed into an ashen-colored pegasus with a black Breezy-like character in a golden cage. She began to speak in a voice that reverberated with the emptiness of the void and was more terrible than the darkest of dreaded secrets. “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful and wondrous Changeling Queen that ruled over her subjects without mercy and feasted on the love of all the pathetic and unworthy creatures of the realm!”
Flurry Heart laughed mirthfully and clapped her forelegs together as she rode on Chrysalis’s back. Chrysalis flounced into an empty hallway causing the baby on her back to bounce up and down slightly, much to its delight.
“I just took a full inventory of the treasury and organized everything by shininess!” Cadance cawed out.
“I just took a full inventory of the armory and organized everything by pointiness!” Shining replied.
“Then one day she was approached by two wicked, awful ponies who forced her into a life of servitude for themselves and their terrible and insatiable infant…”
Flurry Heart’s joyous cries only increased, filling the hallway with laughter over the din of her parents galloping from place to place and the grumpy storytelling of Queen Chrysalis.
The End
