Chapters Oh god, I’m in Canada Emperor McBad Eh, yo, is that something happening? Yes, the foam finger does block magic Hey, I’m actually doing something as Emperor! Well, I guess it nice to talk for a change What sad form of communism is this! I’m having a ball! Or is it celebration, I cannot remember If you wanna have a good time, just shout! Able to weave deals like a seamstress weaves thread The reign of Emperor McBad shall be the best of history! Don’t stop me now Well, Bananaramma just has to help, doesn’t it! “Uhh... where the feck am I?”
I open my eyes, and I’m immediately blinded by bright white, “Bright, too bright!”
Did I get drunk? Maybe. Magical mishap? Perhaps. Did I fuck up? Yeah, probably.
I fully open my eyes and sit up, “Ah, snow, my worst enemy.” I sigh, and take out my wand, “Snow feckoffis! ”
A shield of anti-snowness builds itself around me. The snow that dusted my fabulous moustach, top hat, monocle, and my absolutely gorgeous cape all flies off of me. Hm, quite cold here as well, “Inferno minius! ”
And thus, a little flame floats above me, keeping me warm and lighting my way.
I look around where I am, “Hmm, desolate wasteland, snow, cold, and no civilation in sight? Yep, I’m in Canada.” I reach up to twirl my twisty moustach, “Well, one thing I know about Canada, no villain has been there yet! I mean, it’s Canada, what is there to gain from the wasteland it is.”
I hold my wand up as I make my final monologue to nobody, “I shall be a pioneer of villains everywhere! I hereby declare that I shall soon make Canada shake in its boots because of my reign of villainy! Ney-he-he-he!”
I nod and tap the side of my wand, “Yeah, that’s good, I’ll use that laugh.” I start to tap my chin, “Now, this is Canada, so it could be hours or days before I find civilized people. That means I should set out as soon as possible and commit a Coup d'état! And as the place goes mental over the death of their leader, I take control, and start a new villain name for myself!”
I point my wand up, “Waypointis guidis! ”
With that, a glowing ball shoots into the air, and starts to make a path for me, “Ney-he-he-he!”
———
“If I were still in America, I would’ve found at least ten eagles to make an airplane out of, and a bus line!” I lament as I continue onward, “Least would’ve found some cannibalistic, inbreading, country rednecks to help me along. But nope, this is Canada, all there is are maple trees, snow, and bears that can’t even talk.”
Then the guide light runs into something. I hear a voice through the snow, “Continue working! We have to meet today’s quota before sundown!”
I fix my monocle on my face, and over-exacerbatedly sneaked closer, “Finnaly something.”
I take a few steps up to see what I’ve stumbled upon. From what I can see, it looks like a mining system. Except, everyone is wearing chains.
Well, if they wear chains, then I can introduce myself safely. I take a step into the mine, and all of them notice me at once, “What are you?”
I smile and straighten my top-hat, “Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. I am Eric McBad, and I’m the villain from now on.” I affix them all with my villanish eyes, “Now, it would seem like I am not in Canada as I thought, seeing as you are all ponies, but my goal still stays the same. Tell me, what is this place?”
They all exchange glances at each other, “The Crystal Empire. I’m sorry, but we cannot talk, we need to finish mining.”
I hold up my hand not holding my wand, “Now, now, I can’t help but notice it seems you are foiled by chains and shackles. And I have a very simple proposition after perceiving this. First, tell me, the person who put them on you, do you not like them?”
They nod, “But your a villain, why would you care?”
I tsk at him, “Friend, I may be a villain, but I am not evil. Anyone who places chains and shackles on people clearly is evil. And I make it my goal to kill all evil.”
They exchange glances again, “But then you’re a hero, not a villain.”
I shake my head quickly, “No, no, no, I am a villain. I am dastardly, just not evil. Evil does not mean villain, and villain doesn’t mean evil. Important lesson, remember it. Now, onto the important topic, do you want to help me do a Coup d'état against the evil man who placed you in these chains?”
One of them nods, “We would, but we cannot move. The shakles only release when we have our daily quota.”
I hold up my wand, and point it at them, “Shackleis deletus! Chainus releasus! ”
With that, the chains and shakles all disappear. I look at the ponies as they stare at their hooves in amazement, “I ask again gentlemen, will you help me commit a Coup d'état?”
———
I smile as I await within my position. They put me at the bottom of their mining cart.
“King Sombra, we present you with our collection of crystals!”
I feel the cart be tipped up, and I fall out with everything else. I stand up, and twirl my moustach, “Ney-he-he-he!”
I look up to see a dark, imposing pony sitting on the throne. His eyes bleed purple, and his eyes themselves are green. He has a jagged horn and crown on his head. His toothy growl shows sharp and glinting teeth. He growls down at me, “What manner of creature presumes he can sneak into my throne room unannounced?”
I flick out my cape, “Me, my evil sir!” I look around the black crystal throne room, and see multiple ponies chained to the walls. I look back to him, “I have come to replace your reign of tyranny with my reign of villany!”
He stares down at me, “I do not think I have heard any speech as pathetic as that in my immortal life.” He sighs, “Another bug to-“
I aim my wand at him, “Cattis Toungas! ”
He suddenly starts to spit. sputter. and choke. I laugh, “Ney-he-he-he! Looks like the cats got your tounge!”
He spits out the cat in his mouth, and sees it run away with his tounge. He blasts it before it gets away, and reattaches it, “You think these jokes will defeat me?”
I stand there right in front of him, getting board. I point my wand in his face, “Inferno! ”
A blast of fire comes out to meet his face, “Ney-he-he-he!”
He is knocked far away by the blast. I stand there comptemplating my victory, when he stands up, “You thought that would defeat me!? You insult me!”
I look in his direction, “Dang, I need to pull out the full stops!”
I point my wand right in front of him, “Apparatus appearis! ”
I appear right in front of him, and put a finger right in front of him. Time to use my most powerful move.
“Boopis Snootis! ”
I boop him on the snoot, “Noooooooooooooo!”
The boop was so powerful that all of his internal organs disappear.
He drops dead then, and all black disappears along with the chains and shakles. One of the ponies chained on the wall approach me, “Thank you so much, Emperor! You killed Sombra, you are the new Emperor! What is your name, my liege?”
I look back at him and adjust my monocle, “Eric McBad.”
They bow to me, “What is your first order, Emperor McBad?”
I look at the hollowed corpse of what used to be the Emperor, “I want to make a cape out of him.”
I quickly throw off my current boring black cape, and thrown on my new King Cape. Two hooves wrap around my neck, and the rest just hangs off my back. I admire myself in the mirror, “As far as villainous fashion goes, I’d rank this fabulous. Not only does the fur and skin feel like velvet, but the fact it’s a body just sends the ‘don’t fuck with me’ vibe. The black coloration also really goes with the rest of me. Tell whoever made this that they get a raise!”
I can hear someone sigh in relief, “Oh, thank you Emperor, I am so glad you didn’t execute me!”
I smooth out my moustach before turning to face the sewing pony, “Now, why in villany’s name would I execute someone?”
They raise their eyes from the ground to look at me, “As you said, villany’s name.”
I shake my head, and shake my finger, “Now, now, don’t be silly! I may be a villain, but I’m not evil. I may be a politician, but that demonstrate mean I’m corrupt. I may not be a hero, but I am not evil either. Sad thing is that people seem to think the word villain and evil are one in the same.” I reach out and pat their head, “One important lesson to learn is that evil doesn’t make villain, and villain doesn’t make evil. I’m a villain, but I’m not an arsehole like the guy I’m currently wearing on my back. Well, he’s not a ‘guy’ anymore or else wearing this would be very uncomfortable.”
They only cower with each pat, “I’m sorry Emperor, please forgive me.”
I’m about to facepalm before I realise it would mess up my monocle. I settle on sighing instead, “There is nothing to forgive, you did nothing wrong.”
They stop cowering, “Thank you Emperor.”
I hold up a hand to stop any further talk, “Rule one: don’t call me Emperor, call me McBad. Now, with that out of the way, what is your name?”
They raise back up to their normal highet, “Cross Stitch, Emp- McBad. I serve as both tailor, and assistant of the Emperor. It will be good to have a new Emperor.”
I smile and nod at her, “How long had that arsehole been in power?”
She seems to do some math in her head, “Counting the years we were wiped from existence... 1,200 years. One thousand two hundred years of his tyranny. We had a thousand year lull when we litterly didn’t exist for that long. The ponies should be happy to see him dead, and you in power.”
I smirk as I think of all I can do, “So, Cross, what says I go find a balcony that looks over the entire kingdom, because it’s a tyranny, of course they would have that, and I give a rousing speech to the people?”
She nods, and walks away, “Follow me.”
———
I arrive to the balcony to see the entire population gathered below me, “Go ahead, McBad.”
I straighten my top-hat, smooth out my moustach, and dust off my cape as I walk out. I first point my wand at myself, “Voiceis Magnificus! ”
Now my voice will be a lot louder, I don’t have to shout, “Ney-he-he-he, my new citizens! Wonderful morning isn’t it!? No rain, no snow, no arsehole in power anymore! I think today will be quite a good day, eh?!”
I’m met by crickets chirping, “Yeah, you go new Emperor!”
I look out over the crowd and see the pony that cheered, “Ponis teleportis! ”
With that, the pony appears right beside me. I pat him on the head, “See, that’s the sprit we need!” I turn to look at him, “What is your name, my cheerful sir?!”
He looks up at me, “Lightning’s Arc, Emperor!”
I look down upon the crowd, “From now on Lighting’s Arc is the new Scientist of the Empire!”
I can hear him gasp beside me, “Really?! I’ve been trying to get to that position for my entire life!”
I pat him on the head, “Of course, I try not to lie!” I then turn back to the audience with a flourish, “I appreciate enthusiasm people! If you aren’t enthusiastic about something, you’ll never get it done!” Then I point my wand at the pony again, “Crowdis returnes! ”
Lightning returns to the crowd, and I hold up my hands, “My name is Eric McBad, I am the new Emperor!” I hold up one finger, “First order of business! The name of this Empire is now the Bananaramma Corporation, and the national anthem is now Bohemian Rasphomy!” I raise a second finger, “Second: the Palace shall now be yellow with black highlights!”
As soon as I say this, a ripple is sent out from my position. The ripple touches the entire palace, and turns it yellow with black highlights. I adjust my monocle to make sure I’m not seeing funny, “Huh, didn’t know that would happen!”
I turn around to face the crowd again, “Third: No more slavery! The only ones who mine will be prisoners that we capture in the future, or those who sign up for it!” I hold up a fourth finger, “Fourth: Any strangers who enter without our permission are criminals and shall be brought to me!” I hold up my final finger, “Fifth: The Crystal Guard shall be rearmed and reinstated as the Bananaramma Guard!”
I can hear the crowd below me start to applaud loudly as I finish my speech, “Yeahhhhh!”
I hold up a hand to stop them, “Also, I’ve heard of a celebration that takes place today called the Crystal Fair! I now say it shall continue as usual under the name of the Bananaramma Fair!” A round of applause, “And I start off the festivities with the unfurling of our new flag!” I point my wand at a wall, “Flagus Apperatis! ”
The new flag unfurls itself. A bunch of bananas wearing a top-hat, monocle, and with a smooth moustach on a red and gold alternating background. Obviously, the bananas are just copies of my style.
I wave a hand out over the crowd, “And with the first playing of our national anthem!” I point my wand at a random stage, “Orchestris apperatus! ”
A random orchestra group appear, somehow paying a classical version of Bohemian Rasphomy.
I smile down upon the crowd, “Celebrate! Rejoice under the new Bananaramma Corporation and it’s new leader!”
I turn around on my heel, and walk into the throne room as the applause and cheers of the crowd reach me. I see Cross standing there, “You sure you’re a villain, McBad?”
I twirl my moustach as I walk past her, “If there are no more obvious questions I need to awnser, I think I will go celebrate with my new Bananaramma citizens!”
“You know your voice is still amplified, right?”
“Shut up.”
Author's Note
Hey, McBad, do you like mmmm bananas?
Eh, yo, is that something happening?
I carefully aim the hoop to throw around the bottle. And... throw!
“Sorry, you lost.”
I look up to look the pony running the stall in the eye, “This game is rigged.”
The pony mearly shrugs, “Sorry.”
I do a little cough, “I’m sorry, let me rephrase that.” I place my wand down on the counter, “This game is rigged.”
The pony looks down to see my wand, and nervously looks up, “What do you wand- ahem- want, m’lord?”
I smile as he gets the message, “Get me the foam finger.”
He hands me the foam finger they have, for some reason, “Here you go, m’lord.”
My straight smile obviously cuts through him, “Now then, I don’t wanna hear about any more rigged games, got it?”
The pony nods up and down vigorously, “Yes!”
I tilt my monocle to glare at him a minute more, “Good.”
I snatch up my foam hand, and walk off to enjoy the other attractions. I smile as I see all of my new citizens play in this fair.
As I observe my citizens, one in particular comes up to me. Lightning’s Arc, “McBad, I have just come up with a brilliant idea!”
I nod down to him, “Continue.”
He excitedly nods as he speaks, “Okay, as the Bananaramma Corporation, we should obviously grow some bananas, right? Well, I learned of a copying spell that can be placed into gems. To put it simply, we have a room full of bananas, and we place these gems into there to replicate them.”
I nod and look down to him, “I assume there is something else that needs to be done to charge the gems?”
He nods again, “Yes, the gems would need a constant source of power, magical or otherwise. Now, we want to mass produce this and keep the city liveable, so I’ve designed a genius system! We use steam to create the energy! And, in order to supplement it, we use lighting rods to capture lightning’s energy! One single lightning strike and an hour with the steam machine could power up to 100 gems going constantly to produce bananas! If you multiply the engines, then we could produce thousands of bananas per day, and move our economy out of mining!”
I smile and pat him on the head, “Yes, perfect! Go ahead and start production of those, I fully support it.”
He jumps up and down in excitement, “Oh, thank you, thank you, Emperor! I’ll start on it right away!” And before I can say anything, he races off. Thus, I continue to observe the Corporations citizens.
—(???)—
I look down at the Crystal Empire, “Well, Cadence, we made it!”
My wife steps up beside me, “Finnaly, after so long it is good to see civilization again! Even if we do have to clear out King Sombra.”
I smile back at her, “Relax, that’s why we have the guards.”
She sighs and looks back to the guards right behind us, “Honestly, remembering our wedding, that doesn’t help me relax. Not to mention that they sent five recruits instead of at least ten veterans. No offense to your training skills, but I don’t trust them with the horns on top their heads.”
I shrug, best response I can give, “Well, worst case scenario... we make them bodyshields, deal?”
“No deal. I don’t even trust them to stand in front of me.”
“Well, they’ll make us look more intimidating.”
She sighs, “For some reason I have the feeling that an entire city of them couldn’t win against a single foal.”
I glance back at them to see one of them trip over their own spear, “Well... yeah, I agree.” I glance ahead, “Well, let’s move in, shall we?”
She nods and starts to trot forward before her face becomes one of shock, “There’s a foal falling from a roof!”
I focus and see said foal as they fall, and then my wife as she starts to fly after it, “Men, let’s get moving!”
I look back to see one of them salute only to hit himself on the head, and one of them is eating a sandwich from their bag.
“Why do I even bother.” I crack my hoof on the ground, “Let’s go!”
—(McBad)—
As I look around, I hear an infant cries. I quickly whip out my wand and see a child falling from a rooftop. I quickly aim my wand, “Teleportus apperatus! ”
With my spell, the child ends up in my arms. I find a pony next to me, “Please, return this to who it belongs too.” I hand the pony the baby, and they carry it over to another that is crying, presumably it’s mother.
*Thud!*
I look over to where I hear a landing thud, and see a pink energy beam headed towards me, “Sheildus reflectus! ”
The beam connects with itself, and results in a massive explosion. When the dust clears, I see a pissed off looking pony glare into at me, “What did you do with the foal!?”
I point my wand at her, “I don’t usually talk with those who have tried to kill me, and still have the power to!” I see her horn charge up, and I immediately shout, “Infernos Maximus! ”
The beams of magic connect once again, and we struggle for dominance. The beams of red and pink connect for a while, until I hear hoofsteps rushing up, “By the name of the Bananaramma Corporation, you are under arrest!”
I smirk as I see guards emerge from the fucking woodworks. Like, I saw one crawl out of a manhole and another jumped through a wall. These guards are beasts. I see them stick their spears near her face, and she stops her magic. I also do, “Magus dismissus! ”
With this, the beams disappear and I can see her surrender. Six other non-crystal stranger ponies rush up behind her. When my guards burst through at least four differnt walls and five windows to threaten them, they surrender.
One guard wearing fancy armor walks up, “By the power in me as Captain of the Bananaramma Corporation Guard, and given to me by Emperor McBad himself, you are all under arrest for trespassing and the attempted assault/murder/battery of the Emperor. Any punishment is up to him.”
I walk up to the one that assulted me, “Well, you aren’t to be trusted with magic, so that goes away.”
Her face goes to one of pure disbelief, “You’re going to cut off my horn!?”
Her face becomes a lot more confused when I take out the foam finger and put it over her horn, “Alright, punishment done.” I fix my moustach and top-hat from the tilt they got in the battle, “Now, you will join me in the dining room and we will have a chat about what just happened.” I look over to the Bananaramma Guard Captain, and nod, “Please, escort them to the dining room.”
He nods back, “Yes Emperor, they will be waiting for you to arrive to talk to them!”
They march off and I look back at the citizens as they watch me, “Well, go and have fun!”
Yes, the foam finger does block magic
I walk my way into the dining room to see my new prisoners all sitting on one end of the table. Eh, they might as well, doesn’t really matter to me. I walk up to the head chair and sit down, across me is the special looking stranger that didn’t try to kill me. I look around to see some more guards of mine standing around, “Oh, come on guards, take a seat.”
My guards all standing around close in and fill up the rest of the seats. I nod towards a waiter at my side, “Bring in some food. Our prisoners look like they have been traveling for a long time, and we want what could be future workers to be in good condition.”
The waiters all being out food to everyone. It’s all... green? I look up at one of them, “We wouldn’t happen to have any meat, would we?”
He shakes his head, “No, Emperor, ponies are herbivores so we don’t carry meat.”
I wave him off, and look down to my meal. Broccoli and brussle sprouts. Yeah, no, I’m already full off of fair food.
I look over at the strangers as they eat, “So, I presume introductions would be in order.”
The one right across from me awnsers first, “I am Captain Shineing Armor.” He motions his head towards the pink one wearing a foam finger, “That’s my wife, Princess Cadence. Don’t care about the guards.”
I smooth out my moustach and smile at them, “I am Emperor Eric McBad of the Bananaramma Corporation. And you are all my prisoners.”
Cadence slams her hoof into the table, “On what charges!? We are nowhere near this ‘Bananaramma Corporation’, we are under the jurisdiction of the Crystal Empire!”
I affix my monocle to look more towards her, “Well, I am sorry, but the Crystal Empire doesn’t exist. If you wish to bring up a complaint about it, talk to the previous king.” I get a sarcastic smile, “I don’t think he’ll be very talkative anymore, unless if you’re very skilled in necromancy.”
Captain Shining Armor looks at me a bit more calmly, “What happend to Sombra?”
I shrug my cape off my shoulders and throw it on the table, “He was an arsehole, so you know I had to do it to him.”
Cadence gapes at his body, “You killed him, and turned him into a cape!?”
I shrug, “Can you blame me? He was an arsehole, his body was just lying there... and it totally fits my style.” I throw Sombra-cape on and look back to them, “You are in the Bananaramma Corporation’s city and trespassed. You are prisoners under my jurisdiction.” I hold up a hand to stop any protests, “Now, just becuase your prisoners doesn’t mean much. You will be treated like guests at the palace. And, I need to do some negotiating with your country.”
Princess Cadence smiles, “Well, as I am a Princess, I will be able to negotiate with you.”
I shake my head, “No, no, no, I am an Emperor, and I will negotiate with whoever is chosen by your leader. Also, you tried to murder me, so I don’t really trust you to do fair negotiations. So, one of you two are going back to your leader, and I will receive an envoy of either them or whomever they chose.”
Shining automatically stands up, “I will go!”
Cadence also stands up, “No, I will go!”
I stop them before they argue, “Now, I have a simple way to solve this. I will ask both of you three riddles each. The amount correct is what determines who goes.”
Shining steps up towards me, “I’ll go first.”
I nod, “What is tall so that it may reach the sky’s, but also short enough to be climbed? Made of stone, made a specific way, but never with our intervention. The longer it lives the weaker it gets. What has roots, but is not a tree?”
He nods and thinks it over, “The mind. It can be so great to reach above clouds, but can also be very short. Some set their beliefs in stone, and it forms without us helping it. It has roots through the entire body, and is not a tree.”
I nod at his awnser, “Good guess, but sadly not. Like, actually good on you for thinking that through.” I point at Cadence, “Okay, now you try and awnser that one.”
She nods, “A mountain.”
I smile and nod back, “Yes.” I point back at Shining, “I am constantly hungry, but no matter how much you feed me I am never full, what am I?”
He smiles, “Ego.”
I shake my head, “Dang, okay Cadence instead.”
“Curiosity.”
“Ding! Now, for a twist, Cadence goes again!” I smile as I come up with my next one, “What can teach generations without saying a word? Can carry knowledge, but never was alive?”
She thinks for a bit, “Rocks?”
I shake my head, “Nope. Shining?”
“I know this from Twily! Books!”
I smile, “He is correct! But Cadence does have the most right, so she goes.”
Cadence nods at all of us, “I will get there quickly.” And, she flies out.
I walk over to Shining, “Okay, I will show you all to your rooms.”
He nods back, “Okay.”
I smile at him, “Oh, without her here to ‘whip’ you, we should be friends.”
View Online
Hey, I’m actually doing something as Emperor!
—(2 days later)—
Well, two days I guess. The banana production is the best in the world, and Lighting has come up with inventive machines useing his steam engine to carry our army past the modern age. Mechs, airships, cannons, handheld guns. Very smart and quick person he is, if he creates this much in two days I wonder what he could do in a month.
I hear some hoofsteps outside the throne room. In walks a guard, “Sire, we bring six envoys sent by Princess Celestia of Equestria. We await your order to bring them in.”
I sit up in my throne, “Yes, do bring them in.”
In walk six young looking mares. Orange, pink, purple, white, yellow, and blue. They don’t look too happy, except for pink, “Oh, wow, the walls are so shiny! How do you make yellow this shiny!? Twilight, look, I can see my reflection!” She makes poses in front of the wall, “Are you talkin’ to me? I don’t see no one else in the room so you must be talkin to me.”
Purple walks up to the foot of my throne, and glares up at me, “Where is my brother, what did you do to him!?”
Her outburst knocks my monocle lose, wich I fix immediately, “Why, how rude of an introduction! If I were to be royal all my life, I might just take offense and have your brother executed!” I lean back in my chair, “But, doing such would be such a bore and would put my Corporation at risk. Such a pity that I need to have a bargaining chip in order to protect the sovereignty of Bananaramma.”
Then my face is filled with pink fur, “Oh, this is called Bananaramma!? So that explains why you weren’t on the moon! If that was true you’d be over Isla island!”
I look past her at purple, “See? At least she has the common sense to be kind to me.” I look pink in her blue eyes, “What is your name, so I may know not to execute you?”
She jumps down to the others, “My names Pinkie Pie! These are my friends, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Twilight Sparkle! What is your name, Mr. Emperor?”
I smile at the introductions, “I am Emperor Eric McBad of the Bananaramma Corporation. If I like you, you may call me McBad. If you call me that without my permission, I may end up accidentally getting a murder charge on my hands. Pinkie can call me McBad.”
I see Twilight slightly smirk, “So, about my brother, McBad ?”
I whip out my wand and point it at her, “Rediculousis! ”
The spell hits her, and her horn flops down onto her forehead. I smirk and almost laugh at it, “I will leave you with that for now, until you apologize.”
Pinkie has no such almost, and immediately starts laughing, “Oh, McBad! I would have never guessed you could do a spell like Poison Joke!” She sits up and looks serious for a second, “Comeing right now! Twilight Flople 2: Electric Bogaloo.” Then she falls back to laughter.
Rarity then steps up, “Emperor McBad, I’m sure you could find it in yourself to forgive her.”
I look towards her, “Oh, I do, but this is simply too funny! Also, I could use this in negotiations.”
Rarity tilts her head curiously, “Are we not in negotiations right now?”
I snap up, “Oh yeah, we are.” I look down at all the others, “All I ask for is a non-aggression pact, for you to give us all the latest technology, and I will release all current Equestrian prisoners without any fuss.”
Rarity, who seems to be the negotiator, thinks for a bit, “What about Open Borders between our two nations. The influx of tourism will certainly help your economy.”
I think for a bit, “What do I get out of it?”
“I will make you a patch with your flag on it, so it may help your dapper fashion sense.”
“Deal.”
I think a bit more, “What about a railway system to all of your towns and cities?”
“Then Equestria asks for a trade agreement to allow free trade between us.”
I smile and nod at her, “A fair trade. Deal. The Bananaramma Corporation has no more requests.”
She nods back, “The Union of Equestria have no more requests, either.” She looks at me seriously, “Do you Pinkie Promise that you will uphold your side until another meeting where you may squander this agreement.”
“Does Equestria do the same?”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
I nod and redo the motions, ‘Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
She nods, “Then Equestria sees no more reason to negotiate.”
I nod back, “Then the negations officially end now.”
She smiles, “Well, with the nasty business of politics out of the way, may we get a bite to eat? You could explain where you got your dapper and fashionable accessories from.”
I nod, “Yeah, sure, follow me to the dining room.”
Well, I guess it nice to talk for a change
I sit down at the head of the table, and this time the spread of my guests is near even. Rarity and Applejack sit near me, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow sit near Twilight who I stare at across the table. She looks at me a while more, “Well, I still think we should use the Elements on you.”
Fluttershy looks over at her, “Twilight.”
I sigh, and plates of banana related food are laid out before us, “I don’t know what these Elements are, but I feel that’s a threat.”
Fluttershy looks deeply at Twilight, “Please don’t continue this, you will regret it.”
She smiles, “If you aren’t a villain, then you have nothing to worry about.”
Fluttershy bangs her head into the table, “Why, Twilight?”
I smile back, “Well, I am a villain, so I will take that as a threat. And you know what I have to say to that?”
“Wha-“
“No, I don’t even care if you want to know what, I will say it.” I plop a crown down on the table, “This is my Corporation, I am the Emperor! I committed a coup to retrieve this crown and to ensure happiness! You know what that’s called? Going through something in order to help? It’s called courage, something wich I highly doubt you’ve ever had!”
She recoils a bit at my angry rant, “I should have you know-“
I laugh, “Oh, you know nothing! Nothing of what and who I am! You obviously haven’t gone through the hardships of living beneath a father that was a failed villain! I had to go through school every day getting bullied and picked on because my father failed! They said he didn’t even deserve the title!”
“Well-“
I only shout louder, “You don’t know what it feels like to be excommunicated from villainous society because your mother was a hero! Or to be rejected from hero society because your father was a villain!”
“Then maybe your father shouldn’t have been evil!”
Fluttershy looks back up, “Twilight, no.”
I rip out my wand and point it at her, “Shut up! ” The spell closes her mouth instantly, “I will not have you sully my fathers name by calling him evil, you motherfucker! He was a righteous villain, he was a good man! And I will not have some cunt like you think you can bitch about him simply because he was a villain! He had no choice!”
I can hear Rarity speak up from my side, “What do you mean he had no choice?”
I calm myself down, “There are people in the world. People born with attributes that mark them either as a hero or villain. Namely, their hate of the other against all reason. Hero’s are born with magic within them that manifests in differnt ways to make them stronger, faster, things like that. Villains have external sources of power, like money, charms, smarts, and fame. I am a hybrid, born with an external source of magic, and an internal source of power.”
“And what would these be?”
I place my wand on the table, “This is the external source of magic, my trusty wand. My internal power is to travel across dimensions and universes. I was a leader of a teleportation company to allow quick travel. I classify as a villain because I am smarter, more clever, and more charming than most, things that fall under a villains category. And I continue to be a villain, but I am not evil.”
Rarity smiles and nods, “Well, then I am sure you can find it in your heart to release Twilight from her spell.”
I nod, and point the wand at her, “Magus dissipateus! ”
She opens her jaw, and starts moving it. Then she looks to me, “I am sorry, I didn’t know.”
I smile slightly, “Don’t worry, I forgive you. I can understand why one may think I am evil when I say I am a villain, especially in a world where villains of my type don’t seem common.” I look around the table, “Well, go ahead and eat! We definitely aren’t running out of bananas anymore!”
Applejack starts to eat, before looking over at me, “So, you like to grow bananas?”
I stare at her, “We are called Bananaramma for a reason. We don’t really grow bananas, but replicate them.”
She shrugs and returns to eating. Then Rainbow looks at me as well, “So, anyone that can fly over there?”
I nod, “Oh yes, flight is available to everyone. Of course, hero’s are the only ones who can fly by themselves, but still.”
She looks at me once again, “I don’t see any wings, how do you fly?”
I think for a bit, “Useing your worlds tech level, it will be hard to describe. The basic way of saying it is that we fly on airplanes, wich are like giant metal birds with engines.”
“So like a metal airship?”
“Larger than your airships, much larger. They also move faster.”
“Bet they cant beat me!”
“They can do double sonic bursts, something you can’t do and survive.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, you cannot go fast enough to do two sonic bursts at once, or you would die.”
Twilight decides to interrupt, “I hope you don’t mind if I could ask a few questions?”
Fluttershy glares at her a bit, “He shouldn’t have to, based on your actions he should decline.”
I hold my hand up, “Fluttershy, I appreciate it, but please. I forgave her. Twilight, what do you want to ask?”
“Two things. One, how did you arrive at this world.”
I shrug, “Probably got drunk and accidentally teleported universes.”
“Two, you pronounced the words on your spell on me normally. Why did it work?”
I smile, “I pronounce it silly to have more fun. Well, no, that’s not entirely true. I have to say it like that for some spells if I want them to be nearly as powerful.”
She nods, “Okay.”
I stretch, “Well, I’m off to sleep, ask the guards where your rooms are.”
What sad form of communism is this!
I walk into a meeting with the Captain Guard. Apparently, his name is Fire Power. I see a connection between names of my advisors. First Lightning, now Fire? 2 spoopy 4 me.
The metting is in the war room. Basically, a dark room with a map in the middle. This map is updated, Pinkie Pie carrying it around for map emergencies. I walk up to the map, “What is the reason for this meeting, Power?”
He looks up towards me, “We should expand, have more than one city in Bananaramma.”
I nod, “That would be good, but we don’t have enough power to take any nation surrounding us. And colonialism of snowy land is not easy, especially if we cannot replicate the shield that makes this city livable.”
He nods back, “All of those points are true. That’s why we found the perfect place.” He points to a blue flag on the map, “This land right here is warmer than here, and it is relatively near. No nation has claimed or colonized this land, and it remains untapped. It has a river running through it, and plenty of space for an up and comeing city. To put it simply: it is good land for us to get a new city out to. It also lays near the Griffonion railway that leads over the sea to Griffonia. Neighagra falls, Manehatten, and Hollow Shades all lay near here and have the Manehatten railway connecting them.”
I scratch my chin, “So, we could easily connect those two railways through our colony, this making it a trading hub.”
He nods, “Yes, exactly. If someone needed to trade from the entirety of the east coast with Griffonia then they would have to take a days long detour to the west and come through here in order to get there. But if we connect these railroads with our city then the ride will become much shorter. The mountains nearby will have reasorces, allowing more trade out of there. To put it simply, the fact is that this could be the biggest trading city in the world because of what it will connect. It would be the hub for any trade to Griffonia that doesn’t go over the sea, and a majority of the trade to both us and Equestria will go through there. The only problem is getting ponies out there.”
I smile, “Power, did I ever tell you I was the leader of a teleportation company?”
“Are you saying what I think?”
I nod, “Give me two days and I can build a teleportation system so we can quickly travel from there to here and from here to there.”
He smiles for once, “Get that done and I’ll get the colonists ready. Two days?”
“Two days.”
—(Two days? No, four days.)—
I smile as I admire my teleporter in front of me. We sent a squad of guards through here two days ago when I finished it’s construction. They sent a message back saying it worked. Another squad stands behind me, “Remember, our job is to support the other squad and clear any threats out before we send the settlers through. Let’s go.” I walk through.
———
I look around my surroundings to find myself in an arid and warm environment. But, my squad of guards is not there. Only one guard who is currently running towards us, “Sir, thank the Heart your here!”
I look down at the guard as he stops, “Why are you alone, where is the rest of your squad?”
He looks back up to me, “Sir, this place isn’t unoccupied, there is a town!”
I digest this information well enough, “And your squad went to meet them?”
He nods, “They told me to stay behind and protect the portal. They didn’t return, and I just now discovered their fate. Sir, this town has a bad vibe around it.”
My expression changes more to be concerned, “What happend to the other guards?”
He shakes a bit, “Their armor was gone, their Marks were replaced! They were running a hair salon, they were barbers! And the smiles they wore on their faces... they looked more like a mask then a smile, they were unnatural. I ran away as soon as it seemed they had spotted me. It’s like something from a horror book.”
I nod at this information, and I slide out my wand, “I think it’s time me and my squad go have a ‘discussion’ with this town.”
The guard nods gratefully, “And me, Sir?”
I smile, “You may join in with my squad. Or stay, I leave it up to you.”
The guard joins in with my squad as we start to move in the direction of this town.
———
I march into the town with purpose. Well, not town, more village, but I’m too angry to worry about samantics. I can see all of the citizens come out of their house... unusual. If someone with my expression marches into town with armed forces behind me, you usually flee and hide instead of come out.
All of them have that unnatural smile the guard mentioned, and all of them have equal signs as Marks. One of them comes out from a head building that is much brighter, and is wearing an actual smile. It’s obvious to tell who’s a leader if they distinguish themselves like this.
She walks up to us, and gives a big smile, “Welcome to Our Town, strangers!”
All of the citizens start to move in sync, and music starts up.
The leader smiles and looks around, “Heads high, ponies! Marching proud! All together now! Every one of you! No pony left behind!”
The citizens all start to sing.
“In Our Town, in Our Town
The leader smiles again, “Let’s see those big, happy, smiles!”
“Life is a smile in Our Town
“In Our Town, in Our Town
The leader looks at my unamused expression, “You see! Now everypony wins!”
I smirk, “All I see here is a cult forced into following a leader who is doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.” I march up to face the leader head on, “All I see here is an arsehole who kidnapped and changed my guards!”
She simply smiles, “But can you deny that equality is the best path?”
I shake my head, “No, equality is a great thing. But your execution of it is wrong. It’s like Harrison Bergeron or whatever it was called. Make the smart stupid, make the strong weak, make the beautiful ugly, make the healthy sick, make the speech impeded the norm.”
She looks around, “Well, is there any other way it is possible? You cannot make ponies equal unless you strip away the Mark!”
I shake my head, “No, what you can do is make machines that can enable the ones without that talent to do the same.”
She shakes her head as well, “Impossible. Just like you cannot make an earth pony teleport, you cannot make a guard be defeated by one not destined to be one.”
I smile, “We teleported here by useing a machine, and my guards are all earth ponies. A citizen useing a mech could crush ten guards.”
She thinks for a bit, “Maybe I am wrong then. But how can we produce that technology?”
I smile and pull out a contract, “You can join the Bananaramma Corporation, and have your equality ensured by our machines as we come up with them. Also, we can grow your town bigger. You will stay mayor, but the Marks have to be returned.”
She thinks for a bit, “If it will ensure we have equality... I will sign.”
I hand her it, and she signs it. I smile and take the contract, “Then you are now Mayor under the Bananaramma Corporation, what ever your name is.”
She smiles, “Starlight Glimmer.”
I smile back, “Emperor Eric McBad. Now, let’s get those Marks back.”
View Online
I’m having a ball! Or is it celebration, I cannot remember
—(1 day later)—
I look above me, “See, what did I say? It says one day later, I am wearing the same thing, and we cut away!”
Cross at my side, wearing a fancy dress, simply shakes her head, “Sir, I mean not to show any disrespect in this forgin country, but are you fucking high?”
I smile, “Oh, you simply cannot see that fourth wall.” I laugh a bit, “Personally, I think your high not being able to see it. But, I know most are not like me and cannot see it.”
Cross sighs, “Sir, I will repeat the same thing about the disrespect, but are you sure your mind is stable right now?”
I nod, “Sure as its high noon.”
Cross looks around, “It’s nighttime.”
I twirl the end of my moustach, “It’s always noon somewhere in the world.”
Cross almost facepalms, but then she runs into a door, “Well, I guess we’ve arrived. Wait for the flugelhorn to play.”
I wait outside the doors, “Oh, wunderbah, it shall be good to meet the actual leader of my neighbor.”
*BHHHHHHHH!*
The doors open before me, and a red carpet rolls out to mark my enternce. I smile, and walk forward.
*BHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!*
I rub my ears, and look back to the flugelhorn player, “Can you please stop blaring that?” I take a breath, and take another step forward.
*BHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!*
I rub my forehead, and turn back to face the player, “Okay, the first time was funny. It’s not anymore, stop that.”
I turn back around, look back at the player, look forward and walk forward again.
*BHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!*
I turn around and rush up to the pony and hold them up by their suits collar, “Right, you wanna go? You wanna go, mothafucker! I will sic Pickins on your arse in an instant! Or would ya fukin prefer Grognaks medicinal skills?!”
The pony starts to squirm, “I’m so sorry! I meant no disrespect sir!”
I let them go, and they run off, “I will get the Jog’s on you arse eventually you fecker!”
I turn back around, smooth out my moustach, and start to walk forward again.
I arrive at a staircase with a very tall alicorn standing there. I walk up, and offer a hand to her, “Princess Celestia I assume?”
She takes my hand with her hoof, “And you are Emperor Eric McBad, right?”
I nod, and instantly decide I can use this encounter to further the possibilities with Equestria. Of course, I will use charm, “Am I mistaken, or is this a Masquerade?”
She shakes her head, “Why would you say that?”
I smile, and apply all the charm I have, “Well, a face as beautiful as yours has to be a mask.”
She smiles back, “Thank you, Emperor. It’s not everyday someone like me gets such a compliment.”
I smile even harder, “Well, I never do lie to those of equal level of me.”
She laughs softly, “Well, Emperor, I can see you are definitely a charmer. But, I do believe you have a celebration you can take part in.”
I nod, “Yes, I should probably go mingle with all of your elite. Pleasure meeting you.”
“Same with you, Emperor.”
I walk down the stairs, and advance into the main room. The room is a mass of rich ponies speaking. And a food table.
I move over to the food table, and start looking. Broccoli, brussle sprouts, cabbage, hay. Why do they never have good stuff? I see a few wine glasses, and I pick one up.
I hear some hoofsteps next to me. I see a white pony also wearing a monocle and having blue hair, look at my glass, “I would be careful with that, it is very high in alcohol.”
I down it all in one go, “Tastes like piss. Alcohol is about the same.” I place the glass down, “Why did I even drink that? I hate wine.”
I hear a sniker from my monocled companion, “Well, Good Sir, I do have to say that I aggre.”
I smile, “So, who are you to be the only person other than me that realizes monocles look good?”
He extends a hoof, “My name is Fancy Pants. Feel free to laugh, I know it is silly.”
I take his hoof, “It would not be a very good impression of the Bananaramma Corporation if I were to laugh at someone’s name. In fact it might be hipocritical of me. I am Emperor Eric McBad, feel free to laugh.”
We shake appendinges, “I would not make a good impression of Equestrian nobility if I were to laugh at someone’s name. It is a pleasure to meet you, Emperor McBad.”
I smile, “Pleasure to meet you too. Say, do you find this party boring as well?”
He nods, “I am glad to come to these, but they always bore me to death. The only interesting one that happend during my lifetime was last years Gala, wich I was sick and indisposed during it.”
I nod back, “So, would you say this party could be spiced up ?”
He tilts his head, “What are you planning?”
I smile, “If you don’t want your suit to get dirty, then get ready to take cover.”
He smiles with me, “I think I will take part in whatever happens.”
I fix my monocle so it looks like we are having a more normal conversation, “Get some food, and get your magic ready. And quick hint, stay out of the crowd.”
He nods, “I know what your getting at. I’ll be ready. This will be interesting.”
I nod back, “I just need to get to Discord first.”
“When will this happen?”
“Soon.”
With a final shared smile, we depart ways. I walk out a side door into some guardians, and hear someone, “Hey, McBad, pssst!”
I look to my left to see Discord floating as a duck in a bird bath. I also see that Fluttershy is there, and she looks over to me, ”Oh, McBad! Have you met Discord?”
With a snap, Discord appears floating right beside me. He wraps an arm around me, “Oh, me and McBad are very close friends! Kindred spirits in what I am a sprit for, if you catch my meaning.”
She smiles, “Oh, it’s so great of you to find another friend! I’ll go on and continue the bird watching elsewhere, I’m sure you two would like to talk.”
Discord smiles, “Oh yes, me and McBad have a lot to talk about! And, I mean no offense Fluttershy, but you are not a master of chaos like us two so you might not understand a lot said.”
Fluttershy nods, “Oh, I take no offense, I’m just happy your giving friendship a chance with others! I’m sure I spotted a great spot in the next clearing, so I’ll be going now.”
She walks off, and Discord snaps in front of me. He spawns in two chairs, one of which a beanbag that he is sitting in. He smiles, “Oh, McBad, I can see that diabolical twist on your moustach! Your smile speaks of the mischief on your mind! Tell me, what wonderfully chaotic things have you thought of? Because both me and you know this party needs our special touch.”
I smile along with him, “Is Pinkie Pie available?”
Said Pinkie Pie then springs out of the bird bath Discord was in, “Did I hear someone saying my name in a diabolical scheme?” She rushes over and sits on a third chair that appears, “I’m in.”
I twirl my moustach, “Discord, you should be able to start this off easily. Pinkie, you are to advance it along with me and my guards that are surely hidden around here where the really shouldn’t be.”
I see one of my guards poke his head out of the bird bath and salute me before going back in. Discord takes a sip of the glass of chocolate milk, “My, your guards seem to be pretty capable chaos mages. Enough to where they can phase into existence and fit into impossibly small places. Not advanced, pretty basic in fact, but still.”
I still twirl my moustach, “We are going to start a food fight.”
With a smile shared between all three of us, I know the plan has been accepted.
“Ney-he-he-he-he!”
If you wanna have a good time, just shout!
*Snap!*
With a single snap of Discords talons, it begins.
“Hey, who threw that!?”
“My suit!”
“Food fight!”
I kick open the doors from the guardian to see it already going full blast. Noble ponies chucking cakes, pies, and various asorted foods. I see Pinkie Pie already on the other side of the room, Discord is throwing from the shadows, and Fancy Pants is holding his ground from everyone else.
I raise a pie of my own, and hear the song magic kick in. Something to fit the chaotic food fight.
I splat the pie on some noble that didn’t notice me flanking them. I can see many eyes lock onto me as their target as soon as they hear that nobles scream.
I immediately rush to a table and throw it onto its side. I duck beneath it just in time to see pies fly overhead, and hear them splat into the table.
I grab a pie just lieing around, and peak my head out just so. I spot one pony who’s cover doesn’t cover all of themselves.
“Ahhhh!”
Bullseye! Then I duck back into cover as another volley meets my position.
I can hear some shouting from the other side, and hoofsteps follow shortly after. I peek around to see a few brave souls rushing my position. I take out my wand, “Pieus splatus! ”
A pie travels from my wand to the unfortunate noble like a bullet. I smile, “Spellus Repeatis! ”
With this on, every time I move my wand will do the same spell. Thus causing me to have a fast fire rate. It wears off in a minute, plenty of time.
Flick, “Ahhh!”
Flick, “Ahh!”
Swish, “Ahh!”
Swish and flick, “Ahhhhh!”
Duck into cover as they pelt my position some more.
Peek back out, spot, flick, “Ahh!”
*splat!*
I look to my side to see that they appear to have a sniper on my position. Twilight Sparkle, of course she would snipe my position. It’s always the purple females that are snipers, never the Australian.
*splat!*
I quickly get a fix on her position. Swish, and a miss.
*splat!*
Duck back in, poke back out. Flick, and a miss.
*splat!*
Wait a second for her to fire again thinking she can catch me in my pattern.
*splat!*
Now that she’s overextended, I can easily spot her. Flick, “Ahhh!”
I smile at my victory. Then I remember that one pony was still charging. Then I hear hoofsteps. It was at this time I almost fucked up. The pony is right behind me, “Got you!”
Roll to the side, pie splats where I used to be. Use this roll to get back up on my feet, aim at the pony who believes himself triumphant. Flick, “Ahhh!”
The pony collapses, as is the rules in the food fight, and I slide back to my table.
*splat!*
The ponies across from me still have me pinned down.
I think now is the time I summon my trump card, “Guards, assistance required!”
A window nearby me breaks as my guards jump to my side. I can see one burrow his way out of the floor in the no-mans land. One bursts himself out of a cake, and helps pull another one out from there as well. I point forward, “Charge!”
The guards all start to rush across the no-mans land. I vault over my impromptu cover, and join them in it.
*splat!*
*splat!*
Two guards fall beside me as they are pied down, “Johnny, no!”
I grab one guard as he stops to mourn his fallen brethren, “There’s no time for that here! Mourn their fate when we have got the enemy down!”
The guard leading the charge shouts, “Contengint 2: Flank them!”
Another squad of guards bursts through the walls our enemy’s are hiding by. They all have pies in-hoof, and throw them at the suprised nobles.
We converge on the enemy base and find it all destroyed by the flanking squad. I nod at the work, “Nicely done. Onto the next base!”
The guard leading the charge before looks to one in the flanking squad, “Did you bring the secret weapons?”
With a nod, they lay out multiple black cases. The guards all converge on them and put on the equipment, “What’s this?”
One of them looks back at me, “This is our M2 Creamthrower, the secret to win Nam.”
I nod, and laugh, “Then we shall burn out the Ponycong!”
The guards all attach an nossle to the twin whipped cream cans on their backs. The lead guard smiles as they also put on gas masks, “Let’s burn them out, boys! Charge!”
“Yeahhhh!”
The guards rush out, and find enemy bases. They destroy all inside each base without prejudice. Even the Lunar Republic’s magical defenses ran out when we applied enough whipped cream to them.
All bases are whipped out by the time the four remaining players met in the middle. I look to my guard, “Dismissed, I will take it from here.”
A few of my guards take out instruments and surround us.
Pinkie, Discord, Fancy, and I all stand in a square of each other. We all share a nod, and Fancy looks around, “Looks like this is the end of the road, chaps.”
Discord also looks around, “So it would seem.”
Pinkie raises her pie a bit, “Well boys, it’s been fun.”
I hover my hand around my wand, “But it’s the end here.”
I smooth out the end of my moustach as we all stare at each other. I see a twitch of movement from Fancy, and I immediately point my wand at him, “Bananaus peelis! ”
A banana skin hits him in the face, thus wiping him from the game. Then I roll to the side as Discords attack on me misses. Pinkie manages to hit Discord, leaving just us two.
Her party cannon has recoil, my wand doesn’t. I point my wand at her, “Bananaus peelis! ”
With that, Pinkie Pie is taken out. I am the last one left standing. All those knocked down start to stand as I walk up onto a podium, “Victorious!”
I can see Celestia walk up to me with a smile on her face, “I have to admit, I did not expect this from you, Emperor. This was fun.” She floats a metal over my neck, “I pronounce you the winner of the first annual Bananaramma Food Fight!”
I take my medal with a smile, “So, this will be a yearly thing?”
She nods, “Oh yes, this is the most fun I’ve had at a celebration in ages, even if those M2 Creamthrowers did take me out easily. So much fun, in fact, it would be a shame if we didn’t do it more! It will be a celebration of the peace that will last between our countries!”
I smile, “Also, remember that Pinkie gets second and Discord third. And remember to thank them as well as me, for they played as big a role if not bigger.”
She smiles, “Well, I think those are good closing words. The first annual Bananaramma Food Fight is thus over!”
The ponies all applaude for me, and cheer.
Celestia smiles at the crowds reaction, “So, Emperor, I’m sure you will wish to know where your quarters are. I shall lead you too them.”
Author's Note
Did I really just write a 1.2K long chapter about a food fight?
View Online
Able to weave deals like a seamstress weaves thread
—(Two days later)—
I sit down in my throne, and place my coffee in the cup holder I installed. I unfurl my newspaper and read the current news, “New Equestrian royalty: Princess Twilight Sparkle. Many towns near the Everfree forest attacked by the forest, as Princesses go missing for a day. Elements of Harmony no longer accessible. Daring Doo’s author is reviled to be Daring Doo herself. Minotaurian city devastated after a ball of building-hungry parasprites rolls into town. Starlightgrad pronounced fastest growing city ever as population reaches two thousand. Oh, what’s this? Adolf Hoofler appointed leader of Germaney.”
I look up to see Cross standing at the door, “Send an emissary to wish Hoofler goodwill and support for his time as leader!”
She smiles, “Already done, Sir.”
I continue to read, “Reports of unidentified ponies bursting through walls reaches a new high. Pony bursts through wall in order to delever a letter to Hoofler. Reports say Hoofler was ‘happy about the message, wich was an expression of goodwill by the Bananaramma Corporation, but scared by the fact that the pony had burst through his wall, when it was on the second story of a building and was an outer wall.’ Direct quote says from Hoofler is, “He wasn’t a pegasus, how did he get up that high? I will definitely contact Emperor McBad in order to figure out what his guards are on to do that.” I look over at Cross, “Give whoever did that a raise.”
Cross nods, “Of course.”
I flip through, to the weather section, “Let’s see, todays forecast is: Changelings!”
I hear a distant scream, “Ahhhhhhh!”
*Thud!*
And whatever was screaming has crashed into the BubbleTM.
I grab my coffee, and down it all in one go, “Right, I’m gonna go find who was screaming. Chances are, they’re already dead.”
I walk through my city, and see various different citizens noding at me as I pass. I always nod back, because that’s what you do. If someone nods at you with respect like that, it is your job to nod back. If you don’t nod back, then you should not have that respect they are giving you.
Various other thuds are heard as things crash into the BubbleTM. It ripples a bit, but nothing that bad.
I arrive, and see a bug pony with holes in her legs. She looks fine, despite crashing into something at high speeds, “Hello there.”
She looks up, and quickly stands, “Who are you?”
I take off my monocle to rub my eyes for a second, “You are the one that’s the visitor to my city, so you should go ahead and introduce yourself first.”
She straightens herself to look more regal, “I am Queen Chrysalis of the Changelings, creature . Now, you should identify what you are.”
I smile calmly, obviously setting her off more, “I, Chrysalis, am Emperor Eric McBad, Emperor of the Bananaramma Corporation, which you are now in.”
She stares at me a bit more. Actually, more past me, “What is all of that!?”
I glance back to see some guards patrolling the streets in their new steam mechs. I look back at her, “That is the Steam Mech, created within a few weeks by our scientist Lightning’s Arc.” I smile cockily, “You like?”
She glances between me and them, “You made those in a few weeks?!”
I smile, “Not me, but Lightning did. I can only be credited with our teleporters.”
I can see thoughts racing through her head, “You said Emperor, right? Tell me, Emperor, have you ever had children?”
I shake my head, “Can’t say I have. Why, you offering something?”
That snaps her out of her thoughts, “Shut up.” She fixes me with a pleading look, “You are still an Emperor, you know what it’s like to care about your subjects, right?”
I nod, “Considering I risked my skin on multiple occasions to save them, it would be hard for me not to.”
She nods, “Then you can understand the situation I am placed into!”
I meet her pleading look with a curious one, “Can’t say I do, no. If you were to say what your situation is, then I might.”
I can see hundreds of crumpled up Changelings pick themselves off the ground. She makes sure I see this, “We are suffering, we suffer so much that what is here is the last of our race.” She shows me her leg, pointing out the holes, “We feed off of love, but cannot get a steady supply of it. We starve so much that our bodies have holes in them! My race, my children die every day of starvation! We failed an invasion of Canterlot out of desperation for food, our already numbered days dropped in half because of that.”
I nod at all this information, “I think I know of a solution.”
She smiles a tiny bit, “Please, whatever you can do! This generation might be our last if we cannot get a steady supply of love.”
I pull out a treaty from my pocket, “I can build a machine that will replicate love, and I can supply it to your entire race.”
I think I can almost see tears at the corners of her eyes, “Thank you, Emperor, thank you!”
I hold up a hand before I pass her the paper, “But, your kingdom will have to join mine. You will still be a leader of the changlings, but you will have to follow my commands. I will treat you like an equal, but politically, you will be my inferior. Your changlings will become citizens on the same level of all other citizens.”
She looks at the paper I hand her. I can see her struggle in her mind. After some hesitation, she signs the paper. As soon as she signs it, her eyes go from being green to being blue. I guess that signals some kind of redemption or something. She hands the paper back to me, “Thank you so much, Emperor. You have saved us.”
I smile, and take the paper, “Call me McBad. Now, come on in, and we can talk about building new houses for your changlings.”
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The reign of Emperor McBad shall be the best of history!
—(One week later)—
I hold the end of a screwdriver in my mouth for a second as I fiddle around with some knobs and buttons. I hear the shuffle of hooves to my side, “Emperor, I could get the science team to help you.”
I spit the screwdriver back into my hand, “Nonsense, rubbish, other somesuch words! This is one of my favorite activities in the world! The feeling of slowly piecing together something with your own hands and tools, with only the thoughts in your mind, blissful! Beside, they cannot comprehend the omniuniversal physics and magic that I use to make this!”
The guard at my door nods, “May I ask what it is you’re building?”
I smile and look back to face them, my hands still working, “A multi-universal radio! Capable of picking up signals from every universe and world in existence! Now, not many have discovered the technology to be able to brodcast on these wavelengths, but some have! Just like me! I mean, I only came up with this today. Popped into my head from a dream. Idea was given to me by some dude wearing a glowing green plauge mask. Weird what my mind will chose to communicate with.”
With a few more motions I can’t describe, the radio is done, “Finally, finished!” I smile, and carry the radio over to the guard, “Here, take this and place it near the portal. If you hear anything urgent, tell me.”
The guard takes the radio, and nods back to me, “At once, Emperor!”
I smile as I watch the guard carry it away, “Well, it’s been a week without event.”
I can hear another set of hooves approach me, and a different guard rounds the corner, “Sir, the Equestrian Princesses are in your throne room!”
I sigh, “I had to say that, didn’t I?” I look towards the guard, “I’ll be down.”
The guard salutes, and rushes off. I walk up to my wall, and walk through it. I hid a portal in there to my throne room, for situations like this.
I apper on my throne, sitting down. I look down at the two princess before me, “Celestia, Luna, it is a suprise to see you here. Is it a pleasant suprise, or not?”
Celestia walks forward, “McBad, we need your help. Something escaped from Tartarus, Tirek, the magic thief. He has grown so powerful that we cannot go against him. Our guard is useless without their magic, and the Elements are sealed away. We need your charm, or your technology to defeat him! We hold off on sending Discord for fear he might betray us, so we need your help.”
I stand up, “Well, I think I will be able to easily defeat Tirek. My guard is the strongest in the world, and they are the most technologically advanced! I will not allow my allies to fall in a time of need!”
*Bang!*
“Where are the alicorns!?”
I nod at a guard to my right, “Rally the guard, bring everything. Mechs, spears, Creamthrowers, cannons, zeppelins, grenades, changlings, all of it.”
They salute and flip the ‘rally’ switch I have stationed in every room.
I florish out my cape as I turn on my heel towards the door. The guards around me swarm out of the palace as I smooth out my moustach. Doors open automatically as we roll out every mechanical weapon, and I make sure my monocle is secured. I see staff members all running to the throne room to hide as we mobilize, and I straighten my coat. I walk through the armory to see guards throwing on the heaviest armors they have, and I make my hat straighten up.
I see the flag fly out of every window of the palace, and I affix the badge of it that Rarity made. Citizens all rush by me as they flee for the throne room, and they go around me like Moses. Pegasi warriors swoop overhead as they ready the zeppelins, and I slide my wand into my hand. Everyone around me is talking and shouting, but my boots are clearly heard.
The main door to the palace opens up before me, and my army stands there. The ranks separate as I walk to the front. Every guard I pass salutes me, even if they are in mechs.
I arrive to the front of the army, and see my possible foe further down the street. I continue forward toward him, and the guard all file into step with me. Changeling, Crystal, Equestrian, it doesn’t matter. Zeppelins float out of their ports of the palace, and send out squads of pegasi. The pegasus squads fly in rhythm with my walk, and I can feel all various cannons and guns aimed at my possible foe.
I stop a few yards away from him, and hold up my hand, “Halt!” The guard instantly complies and spreads out.
I can see Tirek smiles, darkly, “Well, someone who has an actual army, impressive. Most of what I’ve seen are weak and small. Your army, powerful and large, I can tell that.”
I look up towards him, “I am Emperor Eric McBad of the Bananaramma Corporation! You seek the locations of my allies, wich you will not get!”
He smiles again, this time more genuine, “Well, you didn’t even stutter. Faced with someone of my size and power, and you remain calm. That garners my respect, something I rarely ever say. Speak, Emperor McBad, you have my ear for the moment.”
I look still with no fear, “You are a magic thief, someone who thrives when facing magic.”
He nods, “That is why I do not fear your army. They are all burdend by the magic that powers their existence.”
I smile, “That is where you are wrong, Tirek. This army is one that you should fear. Open up your mouth, sense how much magic is here.”
He opens his mouth, and looks around. His face goes into one of shock, “Your army, it uses barely any magic! How?”
I look behind me to my army, “The one thing you should fear. Technology, and powerful technology at that.” I smile up at him, “You would lose to us, you know this deep in yourself. If I commanded it, this army would open fire and you would die!”
I can see him looking back at the army with what seems like fear. He starts to back up, “No, please, I have to do this, it’s not my choice!”
I lose my smile, “Explain.”
He looks at me specificly, “Centars, we steal magic by nature! It’s what my parents did, it’s what my grandparents did, it’s what my family does!”
I smile, “Tirek, have you ever thought about not stealing magic?”
“What else would I do?”
I scratch my chin, “Well, your a bad ass looking centaur with horns and a beard.”
He feels his beard, “Bad ass?”
I nod, “You know what I could see a bad ass centaur doing? Metal, that’s what I see.”
I toss him a guitar, and he catches it, “What is this?”
I smile up at him, “Play a riff.”
He plays out a complex maneuver of awesomeness. At the end he looks at his hands in amazement, “Wow, I can be a metal player. I can be a metal player!”
I take a paper out of my pocket, and hand it to him, “What say you become the royal metal player for Bananaramma. Of course, you will have to give up the magic you stole.”
He takes the paper, summons a quill, and signs it, “Done!”
I look back at my army, “Dissmised!” Then back at him, “Now, let’s return that magic.”
Author's Note
Sorry for late upload, internet cut out last night as soon as I was gonna post.
—(Two days later)—
The ponies were gone when I got back after doing the deal and returning the Marks. I have a feeling I will be seeing them again. Speaking about the village, all is going well. We have already connected the railways through there, and many are moving there as it’s prosperity grows. It has been renamed to Starlightgrad, and is officially the first second settlement in the Bananaramma Corporation.
Unlike most would think, being Emperor isn’t all about action and diplomacy. As example; I am currently looking through my mail. Junk, junk, scam, Neighgerian scammer, thank you letter, Royal invitation, junk... wait, Royal invitation?
“I am cordially invited to the Bananaramma Corporation Cooperation Celebration?”
Cross looks over from my side, all of the letters I was throwing to the side caught by her, “Who is it sent by?”
I look at it again, “Well, the royal seal is Equestrian.”
Cross shrugs, “Then it is probably them celebrating our negotiations outcome.”
I read the letter, “We wish to host a celebration so that Emperor McBad can meet with the other rulers of Equestria. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and ~~Princess Cadence~~ Nope! Discord, that’s who you really should meet! Lovebutt, Sunbutt, and Moonbutt over there are boring, so why not Discord?”
Cross tilts her head curiously, “Discord?”
*Snap!*
“Why, yes, that would be me!” I turn around to see a chimera type creature holding a phone up to his ear, “What is the purpose of calling?”
I look at Cross, then look back, “We were simply reading a letter.”
With a smile, all the phone equipment dissapears, “Well, I’ll leave that to you then.”
I nod, “Okay.”
With a snap, he dissapears. Then with another, he appears right behind me, “And do take my add in to that letter with consideration! You ever get bored by them, find me! Someone more your speed, I’d say. Hope to see you tomorrow!”
Cross shakes her head as he dissapears, “Well, you need some new clothes to show up in.”
I hold up a hand, “No, we need to do this as interestingly as possible! You know what that means?”
“What?”
I smile, “You say we’re going to get ready, then we cut away and come back with a chapter saying it’s one day later!”
Cross shakes her head, “Sir, this isn’t a comic book. Come on, we’re going to get ready.”
Author's Note
I am very tired right now, so you get a short chapter.
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Well, Bananaramma just has to help, doesn’t it!
I sit in my throne room, tinkering with some machines for Tireks new metal band: Shadowed Centaurs.
I hear the sound of a guard running down the hallway, “Sir, the radio is speaking, it’s urgent!”
I fall back through my throne, using a secret portal to get to the radio room.
I tune it, and turn up the volume a bit, “To any in the universes that might hear this: we need help. My name is Ravens Breath, we were tricked by our enemies, the Combine. One of the last three free cities, Stalliongrad, is being attacked. We stand no chance alone, and we cannot get there on time. Anyone out there, please help. Universe 001. I will repeat this message.”
I hear a guard at my side shuffle, “What do we do?”
I look over at the wall, “Rally the guard.”
I pick the mic up, “Ravens Breath of Universe 001, this is Emperor Eric McBad of Universe 015. I will say one message as of now. I am coming now to assist your side in Stalliongrad. Don’t worry, I got this.”
I can hear a moment of silence on the other side, before he comes back in, almost in tears, “Emperor Eric McBad of Universe 015, I will be glad to shake what ever appendages you have after the battle is over!”
I smile, and plug the coridinates into the teleporter. I also use a newly installed loudspeaker, “Guards, we leave to help Universe 001! Let’s go!”
I smooth my moustach out one time, take out my wand, and walk into the portal.
Author's Note
The end! For now, until the sequel. If you wanna experience McBad, then you can read how he will end up saving an Universe in ’United we Stand’
