Existential crises: Equestria

by TheWhooves

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy
Length: 1060

But what IS the physical nature of Equestria?

At the farm, Applejack wonders how other see her apples. In her room, Pinkie wonders if she is the only one who knows what her idea of cupcakes is. And in the castle, Celestia wonders why only she can raise the sun, or if she can at all... Spike just stands there laughing.

This is my first ever story! The idea came when I was having an existential crisis of my own, concerning the nature of TV shows. Have fun!

Cover art entirely by my good self.

Published 2018-07-21 23:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-21 23:10:02 UTC

Applejack and the princesses

Applejack was having a good day on the farm. She'd bucked all the golden deliciouses in the north field and was ready to move to the red galas. She then noticed a flash of light out of the corner of her eye, which she dismissed as nothing. But then she thought, what was nothing?

If apples are apples to me, what are they to others? Are they pears? Are they oranges? Are they... (she shuddered at this one) grapes?

For that matter, am I the only one who sees those fruits as they are? Perhaps Apple Bloom just sees me kicking thin air? Does Big Mac see me bucking the leaves off clouds? Or do they see something altogether more outlandish, that I can't begin to imagine? Do they think they're ponies? What language do they think they speak? What language do I think I hear?
A-am I not a pony? Am I the one that's... wrong?

As Applejack stared at the ground, three apples fell from a nearby tree. Nobody noticed, not even the apples.

Thweeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrp! Luna was practicing her harmonica, much to the pain of Celestia. Mrraaaaap, Thwerp Thweeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrp! Eventually (Thwer- CRASH!) she decided to just storm in, regardless of... whatever it is that princesses should never disregard. As she entered, both princesses noticed a flash of light coming from Twilight's new castle. They dismissed it as nothing, but, well, what was nothing?

"If I, and only I can raise the sun, why is that?"
"Or I, the moon?"
"What is the sun?"
"What is the moon?"
"Can we truly raise and lower our respective charges, or do we just appear to?"
"Do the ponies think the opposite?"
"Who can tell?"
"Perhaps they see us raise rainbows and clouds, and it is forever day?"
"Or raise the stars and meteors, and it is forever night?"
"That would make Nightmare Moon Happy."
"Huh. Yeah. It would."
"I'm gonna go back to my harmonica."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Thweeeerp!

The strange noise from Canterlot roused Applejack from her thoughts. Assuming some kind of emergency, her first reaction was to go find Twilight. Naturally, she didn't notice the apples on the ground due to her current state of mind.

In a shining example of sheer luck, they rolled her straight to the door of Twilight's castle. She still screamed though. She screamed loudly enough that an off-white unicorn and a yellow pegasus got out of the way and were not bowled over. She screamed so long she was still screaming when they peeled her off the door.

And then she stopped screaming. She just zoned out, staring into space. After all, what was the point of screaming if nobody heard it? Or if everybody heard ridiculous singing instead? Applejack blushed at that thought. She'd be a laughingstock, and never notice. What if Rarity and Fluttershy were laughing now, and she just couldn't perceive it? She opened her mouth to scream again, and then thought better of it.
Thweeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!

There was that noise from Canterlot again! Suddenly coming to her senses, she banged on the door with the other two ponies until suddenly...

At this point, Pinkie stopped staring at the wall to make note of two simultaneous dramatic cliffhangers.

Well, if Luna was going to play the harmonica badly, then Celestia was going to play her crystal flugelhorn! Now, where did Luna hide it, before the whole Nightmare Moon thing? Does Luna see herself as... no. She would not have multiple existential crises today if it killed her. Celestia hated existential crises.

Hang on! She'd last seen her flugelhorn in the old castle... which was where it would be hidden! She ran to the window and took off, her majesty soaring above all of Canterlot, then Ponyville. It was... exhilarating. Well, until she crashed into the cloud Rainbow Dash was banging her head on. One might say things went... downhill from there.Still, her somewhat foolish crash had landed her just outside the Everfree forest. She would have to continue on foot.

Eventually, she reached her goal: the old castle. And she knew just where to look. Underneath the Organ to the Outside, there would be a secret compartment. However, Luna would have changed the code. After setting it to the old configuration to confirm her suspicions, she set off for where Luna kept the codes hidden: Beneath her throne. She entered the code to open the secret hatch, and gasped.

At this point, Pinkie stopped staring at the wall to make note of two simultaneous dramatic cliffhangers.

Luna was trying to play 'True, true friend' on her harmonica. The results were somewhat like this:
Thoop Thwerp Thwerp Therp
Mrap Ther Threrp Thwerp Thoop
ThweeeEEEeeeRp Mrap Mrap Mrap Mrap
Thoop Thwerp Thwerp Therp
Mrap Ther Threrp Thwerp Thoop
ThweEerp Thwerp Thwerp
Mrap Mrap Mrap Mrap THOOOOP!

On the last "thoop", Luna noticed that her guards had cotton in their ears. How dare they dislike her music! She'd had plenty of time to practice since Tartarus. She used her magic to remove it without them noticing and prepared for an encore. She took a deep breath, and blew a note so loud it could be heard everywhere but the Everfree forest, which magically silences harmonicas.
Thweeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!
The guards fell unconscious, as Luna launched into another chorus:
ThweeeEEEeeeRp Mrap Mrap Mrap Mrap
Thoop Thwerp Thwerp Therp
Thoop Thwerp Thwerp Therp
Mrap Ther Threrp Thwerp Thoop
Mrap Ther Threrp Thwerp Thoop
Mrap Mrap Mrap Mrap THOOOOP!
ThweEerp Thwerp Thwerp

Thankfully, after that rousing musical number, Luna felt that she was out of breath. She collapsed on the ground and at that moment...

At this point, Pinkie stopped staring at the wall to make note of two simultaneous dramatic cliffhangers.

She felt that one of her subjects was messing with reality again. Poor Pinkie. She had no idea what she was. She'd probably make someone's face hurt if she knew. Just as well that she didn't, then, because last time anyone's face got hurt near the princess, it was worse than the Tantabus...

Author's Note

:ajbemused:
Well... that happened.
I'm gonna keep making short chapters like this between other stories. Stay tuned for the next chapter: Rarity and Fluttershy!
:fluttershysad::raritydespair:
Oh, and, um... I'm not telling you the perspective of that last paragraph. Sorry!