Games We Play

by AmanDash

Rating: mature
Tags: Violence, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Lightning Dust, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Human, Romance, Spa Ponies, Rainbow Dash, Horror, Adventure
Length: 15162

A man like no other accidentally gets transferred to Equestria. He is sharp. He has seen a lot. He has done a lot. While trying to fit in, he is contemplating his life on Earth.

A man in his fifties accidentally gets transferred to Equestria. He is not like any other man. He is sharp. He has seen a lot. He has done a lot. He was being murdered the very moment he ended up in this improbable world of cartoon ponies. While trying to fit in, he is contemplating a lot his life on Earth and all the wrongs he had done. Being the ever-curious observer, he also begins to test the fabric of the pony nature.
Yes, this is a HiE story. Yes, I know, there are lots of them, but I haven't seen one happening to people in their fifties. Or to be more specific, people from a specific series of movie, namely the Saw series. I always thought that would be hilarious, or at least interesting, but no one has come up with the idea yet (or I have missed it).

Published 2018-07-21 13:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-14 02:11:24 UTC

We are not properly introduced.

After at least two hours of Q&A with Twilight, we decided we called it a day. Dinner was prepared by her assistant Spike. He was a small dragon barely few inches smaller than Twilight, already not a baby, but still very little considering the information I got from Twilight about dragons here. Upon first seeing me he freaked out, but Twilight assured him that I meant no harm. Twilight wrote a letter which she sent to the Princesses, using her own magic rather than the mail delivery, which was a relief for Spike, though I could not figure out why. The letter asked if she could visit them tomorrow morning at 9:00 with me.

She reminds me of myself in so many ways. She keeps things organized, schedules and plans everything that can be scheduled and planned, is eager to learn, observe and experiment with new things, and last but not least, she has a basic understanding in most scientific fields. I hope she never ever takes the road I have taken.

After dinner, she led me to one of her guest rooms. Yes, she has plenty of rooms. Her mansion is rather a castle or a palace than a house. I am too tired to wander around now, as well as she is too tired to show me around.

Having no accessories and any personal belongings yet, I wake up to the calling of Twilight instead of an alarm clock. I check the pendulum clock on the nightstand: it's exactly 5:30 am. She is just as punctual as me.

"Morning, John. Did you sleep well?"

"Good morning Twilight. Thank you, I did." (I'm not going to mention the nightmares I had. They are my nightmares, and I deserve every bit of them.)

After a quick shower I dressed up, and head to the kitchen to have breakfast. Twilight already sat at the table eating a daffodil sandwich. I was served eggs and potato fries (yes, they have potato, though they prefer hay fries). After finishing our meal, we headed to the train station to catch the 6:30 train to Canterlot. There were a few ponies running errands on the streets who were eyeing me suspiciously. Though I was with Twilight, so they didn't pay too much attention.

I admired the sight of their trains. Yes, pony technology was far behind the development of Earth technology, but they had magic to even the odds. But their trains were pure engineering perfection. The locomotives were driven by steam engines, just as Stephenson's locomotive. Except they were faster. I could not judge velocity exactly, considering even the fact that the ponies talked English was a huge coincidence. I bet their measurement units are completely different from ours, not to mention the size of their planets, construction of their solar system and so on. I was thinking these things while on the train when suddenly Twilight asked me a question.

"So, are you excited to meet the Princesses?"

"Yes, a bit. But if your description is anything to go with, they are wise enough, so we can talk things out simply and conveniently. I'm only excited because I happen to have a negotiation with the true leaders of a powerful country. Something I didn't accomplish on Earth. By the way, while describing the pony races, you mentioned yesterday that there are three princesses in Equestria, and all of them are alicorns. You also mentioned that besides the princesses, there are no alicorns in Equestria. So, either you are a princess too, or there are other alicorns than the princesses."

"(Shit! How did he figure it out so quickly?) Erm..."

"Tell me, Princess. Why did you have to deny it?"

"Uh... Heheheh... I was just worried. I didn't know what to expect from you. To be honest, it had two sides. First, I could not trust you. I believed it was better to keep it secret. Second, I didn't want to intimidate you. You know, I have made wonderful friends here in Ponyville. But ever since I became a Princess, I have only my five best friends left as friends. Most ponies started to worship me... and fear me. As if me growing wings would have changed me into some almighty overmare. If you were to be a threat, I would have had the advantage of surprise. If you were to be non-hostile, you could have become my friend rather than my worshiper."

"Fair enough. So, Princess Twilight Sparkle, are you excited to meet your fellow Princesses?" I ask her while developing a shit-eating grin.

"Please, just stop that."

"I may be old, but a little teasing doesn't hurt anyone, right?"

"Yes, you may be right. Though one more Princess to me and I will force you to spend a whole day with my friend Pinkie Pie. Or Rainbow Dash. Or convince the Richs to hire you as their butler." (Diamond Tiara has already turned somewhat eighteen, so I can't threaten him with a foalsitting job, but coping with her like this on a daily basis may be even worse.)

"Well, considering the fact I don't know any pony besides you, that can be a serious warning." She starts to giggle. Yes, maybe life is worth living. I can make new friends, I can live a life worth living, and for once, I can make those around me feel better instead of feel worse. That can be my new purpose.

We arrive at the Canterlot Railway Station by 8:00, just as planned. We have a solid 30 minutes long walk to the entrance of Canterlot Castle. There, we only have to gain entry from the guards, then find the meeting room. If everything goes as planned, we should arrive at least fifteen minutes early, but, as everywhere in life, unexpected complications can occur. The Canterlot ponies are more concerned about me than the Ponyvillians were. They literally stop everything they were doing just to stare at me. Well, I can't blame them. I am an alien lifeform after all, and were a pink-skinned crocodile wearing sunglasses to walk in a standing position on the streets of an American city, I would be staring too. The Ponyvillians are just more used to the unusual, because they live next to the Everfree Forest, a place where, according to Twilight's summary, creatures which hardly can be imagined by humans live.

Reaching the gates of the Castle of Canterlot, the guards usher us inside. They are not even surprised. I'm sure the Princesses have informed them about my arrival. I offer them a "Good Morning Sirs" which they return with a nod. Twilight seems to know every inch of the castle. She leads the way, though I manage to keep up my attention and check the details. I can reverse all the turns we did until now which means I can find the exit alone if I had to. One thing I learned back on Earth is that I never enter a building without checking its general layout from a tactical point of view, including possible entries and exits, hiding spots, covers and paths towards exit points. Planning and successfully carrying out several murders have this effect on a man. Twilight stops in front of an average sized double door, then pushes it in.

The room we enter is spacious, but not extremely so. It is not frivolously furnished, like I expected. In fact it seems... professional. That is the good term. Its furniture is cozy, yet functional, its ornaments simple, yet perfect in their way. It reminds me of a council room. A huge round oak table dominates the center. There are six chairs prepared around the table, four of them already occupied. I see four ponies: one white alicorn having the size of a real horse, one dark bluish grey one slightly smaller, one pink one a bit smaller than the dark one, and one white unicorn stallion sitting next to the pink alicorn. I don't know what the proper etiquette is, so I start over.

"Greetings, mylord and myladies."

The dark blue one seems to get infuriated.

"BOW THYSELF IN THE PRESENCE OF ROYALTY, CREATURE!" She shouts. Well, that was something. Judging the faces, all others are a bit frightened, but I don't even flinch. I think it's time to teach her a lesson. I may not mean any harm, but respect must be given to each other, lest it will be lost forever. I step up to the shouting blue alicorn, who I assume is Princess Luna, and stand before her.

"We are not properly introduced. My name is John Kramer."

"W-WHAT? I SAID YOU MUST BOW THYSELF IN THE PRESENCE OF ROYALTY!"

"I will, if it is part of the etiquette here. But it would be nice of you to introduce yourself." I say, than I present a bow.

"WELL, I'M PRINCESS LUNA. NICE TO MEET YOU, MR. KRAMER!"

"Uh, Lulu, can you speak a bit more silent? There is no use of using the Royal Canterlot Voice every time we have a foreign visitor." She turns to me. "I am Princess Celestia. It is my pleasure to welcome you, Mr. Kramer."

"Please, just call me John."

"Hi! I'm Princess Cadance! I'm soooo happy to meet you Johnny!" Freaking pink pony. I know, one pony is no pattern to follow, but this pink one seems to be more childish and hyperactive than the others. She seems to be more childish than an average adult, not to mention a high-class leader.

"Hello. My name is Shining Armor. It's nice to see you, Mr. Kramer.

Meanwhile, they greet Twilight also. It seems like she has a deep connection with each of them, though she leaps into a bone-crushing hug with Shining Armor. They must be siblings. I have never had a sister, nor a brother, but the concern they show towards each other speaks volumes.

"So" Princess Celestia begins the meeting, "From what I gathered from Twilight's message, you are from an other reality. You call yourself a human, you are dressed up most of the time, you eat meat, and you want to settle in here."

"True. Though I'm not sure if I can settle down anywhere here. I am not from this world, and I have committed more wrong than any of you could imagine. Truth is, back on Earth, I was a serial killer. I was about to die a gruesome, but well-deserved death when Twilight somehow grabbed me from my own reality and I ended up in her workroom."

Now that's something. Twilight told me, that Princess Celestia always holds a poker face, though I could catch a tiny glimpse of horror in her eyes. Yes, she knows.

"Did you... kill ponies on purpose?"

"Humans. And yes, I did. I thought I was teaching them a lesson, and testing their will to survive. But in the end, I was taught a lesson. No matter what the intention, the results speak louder. I may have had a reason to put my subjects in my death traps, but the fact remains: only a few of them survived, most of them died. Were it not for Twilight, I would ask you right here and now for a quick death. But Twilight told me that maybe I could settle in. I don't want to let her down. Even if I deserve to die, I would make her sad, and I am sick of hurting people. Or ponies. I want to make those around me feel better, to be happier, rather than feel bad."

"Well, that is very considerate of you. Twilight, I must ask you a question. Is this why you haven't informed me until a human ended up here? Do you EVER consider the outcome of your experiments? What if John wanted to kill ponies still? What if you summoned something stronger than all of us, and set all of Equestria to its doom? Do you know why Star Swirl never summoned anything or anyone?"

"No."

"It was not for the lack of power, prowess, or because he wasn't smart enough to figure it out. It was because he was responsible. He was smart enough to figure out a summoning spell by the age of fifteen. But instead of trying it out behind my back, he told me the MOMENT he discovered the spell. Not after he experimented with it, not to mention improve and use it the way you did. He asked my permission, because he was afraid. Afraid of what dangers could await in other realities. Afraid of letting them in here. I didn't even have to forbid him to use it. He himself reached the conclusion that it is better not to use a summoning spell ever, so he destroyed it before anypony else could use or recreate it. We are very lucky you summoned somebody like John in his CURRENT mindset instead of a being more powerful than all of us, or more evil than King Sombra or Lord Tirek put together."

I never thought a pony's ears can flop down like this. Apparently, they can be indicators of mood also.

"I... I'm sorry. I swear I never use that summoning spell again. But right now, John is still here. He needs a home and a job doesn't he?"

"Well, he can come to the Crystal Empire to cheer up the Crystal Ponies! He said he wants to cheer up ponies, so why not? He can be the Pinkie Pie of the Crystal Empire!"

"Well, that's an... interesting idea, Cadance, but not really thought-through. First, I must ask you, John, what are you good at?"

"As well as I observe, I have no magic and no wings, so were I to be a pony, I would be an earth pony. See, unicorns have magic, pegasi have wings and the ability to fly. It may seem bragging, but I think my hand dexterity can't be outmatched by ponies with me having fingers instead of hooves. I was quite a decent engineer back on Earth, so I think something like designing, creating, producing or fixing machines would be my stuff. I have already seen your locomotives, but I haven't seen any factories yet, but I bet even you ponies use some kinds of machines in the agriculture or in transport."

"Well, in this case, I can introduce you to my friend Applejack. Sweet Apple Acres is expanding and recruiting now anyway. You seem to have a lot in common with her, and you could be quite useful by fixing their farm equipment."

"If I am to propose an offer" Shining Armor chimed in, " I'd suppose we offer you a job at Canterlot Royal Guards. Given your self-introduction and the message Twily sent us, you could be quite the tactician, and even the strategist once a need occurs. You could keep our weaponry operating and up-to date all the time, well, except the magic part."

"What do you say?" Asked Princess Celestia.

"I am very flattered by your offers. I think I would settle with Sweet Apple Acres. My field of expertise doesn't exist here, but I am very interested in your agricultural development and the machines involved and that is something at least not too far from engineering. I'm sorry to disappoint you Mr. Armor, but I never was the military guy. Though if and when a problem related to your equipment occurs, feel free to turn to me anytime.

Making Friends

Yes. Definitely yes. Twilight did not lie about the Apples expanding their farm. Truth is, the only hinder was the lack of labor force. As I spent more and more time and talked more with them, realization hit me: there are agricultural machines in Equestria already, though the only known machines are that of Flim and Flam. I could easily assemble a tractor given the fact metal forgery was fairly developed in Equestria. There was one last thing to do: obtain fuel. I have read enough about Equestrian industrial history to know that while mining is present, the concept of oil refinery is non-existent, given there is no evidence of the planet Equis containing oil at all. That spared me a lot of work. I knew combustion engines existed, and I knew there was no oil, but Equestria had an efficient agriculture, (and quite a few drunk ponies at some evenings) which led me to one conclusion: I had to create an alcohol-fueled engine.

Big Macintosh was quite the help with the planning, he has an incredible mind once it comes to designing and fixing things. Once the plans were ready, we showed them to the other Apples and discussed whether we should create and use it or not. Granny Smith said that the Sweet Apple Acres apples gain their quality through the care of the ponies handcrafting every bit of the products, including plowing the fields, planting, apple bucking and operating the squeezers. Apple Bloom was fascinated by the design, though maybe because she saw it as an automobile rather than a work machine, and she enjoyed riding scooter with Scootaloo or driving carts. Applejack first saw it as a mean of quality drop and, more importantly, a device of treason also, since it reminded her of the machine used by Flim and Flam, but after she thought over, she said yes, and convinced the others also. Applejack may be a farmer, but she is also a clever businessmare, and she became aware of the lack of labor force as the only hinder of expanding further. After all, Sweet Apple Acres had a vast range of clients, some of them quite rich and famous, not to mention its fame attracted a lot of customers in Canterlot also, mainly high-class restaurants and bars.

After the machine was assembled, I started to build a distillery. Sweet Apple Acres produced cider, but it didn't have a distillery to produce spirits. First, the Apples were reluctant to let me waste their precious cider, but I was offered a limited quantity. After a few days, I had the pure alcohol, ready to use.

Now all of the Apples stand around the machine, eager to observe if I manage to get it work. I pour the alcohol in the tank, and start the engine manually. It takes me at least two minutes, but to my relief and to the horror of the ponies it starts. Damn, it is loud. Looks like I oversimplified the planning and assembly of mufflers. That means more energy is saved since the exhaust gases can exit easily, but that also explains why I wasn't afraid of Princess Luna's Royal Canterlot Voice. I'm not sure if these ponies have ever heard something so loud in their lives. I quickly turn the engine off and begin to ask for their forgiveness, but Applejack is quicker.

"What in tarnation? Ya seriously want to scare mah kin to death?"

I look at Apple Bloom cowering behind her, her face an expression of sheer horror. Luckily for her, the machine was not in gear so at least it didn't start to move forward as well, otherwise she would be scared even more.

"Now listen mister, Ah want ya and this here damned machine out of mah farm right now."

"I'm sorry. But, listen, we are at the threshold of a huge breakthrough. Sweet Apple Acres is at the threshold of a huge breakthrough. I just have to install new mufflers instead of the old ones and the noise will be at an acceptable level, and plowing the fields can be motorized."

"Ah don't care. Did Ah not make mahself clear? Ah want this machine far away from Sweet Apple Acres and never to see it again. Ya yerself are also fired. Ya may come back in the future maybe, but WITHOUT yer damned machine. Is that clear?"

"Yes. I'm sorry. But how do you expect me to remove the machine? I may have to start it again to drive it away."

"Don't ya dare! Just remove it the very way ya brought it here from the barn: tow it away. Be happy Ah don't kick yer flank and destroy yer machine this instant."

"Well. Okay."

I throw the ropes over my chest and start to pull the small tractor in shame. I shall visit Twilight and tell her what happened. On my way to the Friendship Castle I bump into a cheerful pink pony.

"HI YOU MUST BE JOHN I MEAN JOHNNY THE HUMAN WHO WAS SUMMONED HERE BY TWILIGHT WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE VERY FEW FRIENDS AND IF YOU HAVE VERY FEW FRIENDS THAT MAKES YOU"

"Hello. You are correct. My name is John. You must be Pinkie Pie. Twilight mentioned you once." (Damn hyperactive pink ponies. Princess Cadance has nothing over this one.)

"YESSS, IT'S ME PINKIE PIE! NUMBER ONE PARTY PONY IN EQUESTRIA! I STILL DIDN'T THROW YOU A WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA PARTY, WHICH IS SAD BECAUSE I HAVE TO THROW YOU A WELCOME TO PONYVILLE PARTY AFTER IT ALSO DO YOU WANT TO HAVE THE WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA PARTY TONIGHT?"

"Well. Thank you Pinkie Pie. I guess i need a party after my recent failure at Sweet Apple Acres. And I definitely need to make new friends so that I can obtain a new job."

"A NEW JOB? WELL COME TO SUGARCUBE CORNER, YOU COULD HELP ME BAKING CAKES, DOUGHNUTS, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES, MUFFINS AND EVERYTHING! WE COULD BE BEST FRIENDS! OH! AND YOU COULD MAKE MY PARTY CANNON WORK PERFECTLY AND INVENT NEW KINDS OF PARTY EQUIPMENTS INCLUDING LIGHT SHOWS, FIREWORKS, CONFETTI AND TAPE THROWERS AND SO ON! OR YOU CAN HELP ME ARRANGE FUNNY ESCAPE GAMES LIKE OH NOW YOU ARE TRAPPED AND YOU HAVE TO FREE YOURSELF AND YOUR TEAM MATES AND YOU HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER TO ESCAPE THE ROOM OF TRAPS THAT WOULD BE HYPER-SUPER-DUPERRIFIC!"

(Now I am literally afraid. How does she know? I have met her just this instant.) "Well, that's interesting."

"YESS, YOU CAN START THIS INST...
OOOPSIE!"

"Pinkie Pie darling, have you ever thought of minding to look at the same direction you are bouncing?"

"HI RARITY, WELL DUH, I HAVE, AND IT'S BOOORING, SO I LOOK AT COMPLETELY RANDOM DIRECTIONS WHILE BOUNCING AROUND CAUSE IT'S MORE FUN AND HEY RARITY THIS IS JOHNNY AND HE WILL WORK WITH ME AT SUGARCUBE CORNER AND HEY JOHNNY THIS IS RARITY SHE OWNS CAROUSEL BOUTIQUE AND IS THE MOST FASHIONABLE PONY IN PONYVILLE AND mppfmmmmpfpfpfpfm"

"That's enough darling. I'm flattered to meet you, John." Rarity greeted while sticking her hoof into Pinkie Pie's mouth to shut her up.

"Likewise, Lady Rarity." (Finally a mare with more style and finesse, and perhaps more maturity than the others so far. I mean, besides the princesses. Applejack resembles a southerner redneck from the late 1800's, and Pinkie Pie is... Well, I think I must have a serious talk with Princess Celestia about her. There is NO WAY a pony like her doesn't contradict some laws of the universe. I mean this universe. She pretty much contradicts all the laws of my universe.)

"AND HEY JOHNNY AND RARITY YOU ARE INVITED TO SUGARCUBE CORNER TO MY WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA JOHNNY PARTY TONIGHT AND I ALREADY SENT THE INVITATION TO ALL OF THE PONIES IN PONYVILLE! BUT I MUST GO NOW PREPARE THE ACCESSORIES BYE!"

Well, shit. I guess a lady like Rarity can't perform a proper hoofshake while holding a forehoof in another mare's mouth while not falling over. Too bad.

"Well, that was interesting. Is she always like this?"

"No, sometimes she is at least a billion times worse. And sometimes, she is perfectly normal, which is more unsettling when she is completely random."

"Well, thank you for the information. I will keep it in mind. Anyway, I must meet Twilight, so goodbye Lady Rarity."

"It's just Rarity. I was hoping I could accompany you?"

"I would be flattered."

"Tell me darling, why do you must see Twilight?"

"I got fired from Sweet Apple Acres because of an... incident caused by me and maybe she knows some ponies who can offer me a new job. I mean, Pinkie Pie already offered me one at Sugarcube Corner, but, laugh at me all you want, I am afraid of her."

"Well, you are not alone. The Cakes can only cope with her because they are out of the house most of the time, and even the Princesses don't know anything other about Sugarcube Corner that it produces, sells and delivers sweets and treats. Sugarcube Corner may be owned by the Cakes, but I bet they have no idea about the extended basement and everything else that can be there built and prepared by Pinkie Pie. She has some sort of secret basement which she uses as archive to store everypony's birthdays and personal favorites, not to mention some secret rooms which she uses to perform dangerous experiments and assembling the weirdest, craziest machines Equestria has ever seen. By chance, what is it that you are pulling behind you? Is this an other of her creepy machines that she left somewhere and you found it?"

"No. It's a tractor. It is a machine designed to pull carts or agricultural devices. Think of it as if at least ten massive earth pony stallions were at its place ready to pull or push. It was designed by Big Macintosh and me and assembled by me. Though I was not careful enough and it turned out to be much louder than I expected and it scared Apple Bloom half to death. That's why I had to go."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope she will come to her senses. See, you didn't want to harm her family, did you?"

"No, it was just an accident. And with the use of this machine a breakthrough like none ever could be achieved at Equestrian agriculture, though even if she will hire me again, she said she never wanted to see this machine at Sweet Apple Acres."

"I know that feeling. I have a little sister too. Her name is Sweetie Belle. She...

"WATCH OUT!!!!"

-*CRASH-*

"Uh... Uuuurgh. What happened? Why can't I get up?" I ask the blue-eyed white blur appearing before me.

"Rainbow Dash! How reckless and brutish of you! You never ever learn, do you?"

"Uuuh, hello miss white pony, my name is John, not Rainbow Dash. I'm sorry if I offended you, but could you explain me what just happened?"

"Uuuurgh. Heh. That was one heck of a crash. Wait! What is this strange thing I am laying on?"

"That would be my dear friend John, who you managed to crash land onto! I hope you are satisfied. Looks like he is seriously injured and half-conscious!"

"Eeeh. Excuse me? Let me help you!"

"No thanks. You helped him enough already. If you want to be anything of a use, go tell Fluttershy to come over so we can perform first aid and if necessary, take him to the hospital."

"Rarity? Is it you?"

"Yes, it's me. Don't worry dear, help is already on the way."

"What did just happen to me? I see white lights in every corner of my view."

"A dear friend of mine named Rainbow Dash accidentally crash landed on you. You were severely hit on the head. She has crashed more times than all the other pegasi in Ponyville together but she never learns. Even though she is a Wonderbolt now, she still feels she has to invent new stunts and she... often miscalculates."

Fluttershy's Treatment

"Hi Rarity!"

"Hi Fluttershy, thank goodness you are here! This is my dear friend John, and he is seriously injured on the head."

"Um. Hello John. I'm Fluttershy. I'm so sorry we have to meet like this, but don't worry, I will take care of you. Well, that's a nasty head injury, let me examine it, I promise I will make you feel better."

This pony. If only doctors were like this on Earth. My mind starts to wander back to the capture and the testing of Dr. Lynn Denlon. She was a competent physician, frankly said, she was the best, just like Dr. Gordon, though they were cold and uncaring to their patients. They didn't treat them like human beings, they just saw them as professional problems which could be solved... or not. Fluttershy was different. Her kindness and care for the ill and injured radiated from her. She didn't as much as examine me, yet my pain started to fade.

"Hello Fluttershy. Thank you for your kindness, it is most appreciated."

"Tell me John, how did you get this nasty hit to the head?"

"I don't really know. All I remember that I was talking to Rarity, then I heard somebody screaming "Watch out!", then I lost consciousness. After I came to my senses, I couldn't get up. Rarity said that a friend of her named Rainbow Dash crash landed on me, whatever it means."

"Um... Rainbow? Could I ask you something, if it is not much trouble?"

"Sure Flutters."

"You told me that John was hit in the head by something. When did you want to tell me that something was YOU?"

"Eh. Heh heh heh. Come on Flutters, I meant to tell you sooner or later. I just didn't want to get you fed up with me again. Twilight already scolded me yesterday because I broke her window again. Rarity scolded me a few minutes ago because of accidentally crash landing on John. I just didn't want to be scolded by you again!"

"Now listen, Rainbow. I know you want to invent new stunts every day, almost all day long. But you have to stop being so dangerous! We have had enough. Ponyville has had enough. Go somewhere else practicing, where you don't endanger anypony, or anybody, or anything. You break windows, injure yourself and others, you even ALMOST KILLED MY ANGEL! And now, there is a new friend to town, and Pinkie is just about the throw him his welcome party, yet he can't attend, because of YOU BEING INCONSIDERATE, AGAIN, AND INJURING HIM LIKE THIS!"

Wow, Fluttershy. I must remember never to get on her wrong side. She can be really intimidating, when standing up for something or someone.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for injuring you, John."

"I've been hurt more severely already. I'll be better. Just remember to act responsibly, and learn from it, miss Dash. One day, you may cause something irreversible."

Meanwhile Fluttershy examined my head injury. She washed the blood and dirt away and put on some anesthetic gel, then she put up a bandage. I didn't expect pony medicine to be so developed.

"Your skull doesn't seem fractured, though I have to get you an ambulance and take you to the hospital. You can have internal brain damage, because I can see clearly from the shape of your injury, that you were hit by one of Rainbow's forehooves. Luckily it wasn't her backhoof, or else you would have fractured your skull."

"As you wish, miss Fluttershy. Though I must try to get up and walk. If I succeed, I will heal without hospital treatment. If I fail, I need to be taken to the hospital."

With this, I got up and cautiously attempted a step. My headache stopped thanks to the anesthetic, but my vision was still tainted with occasional white lights appearing, and I felt a bit groggy, though after three or four steps, I managed to walk at a steady pace.

"Thank you for the treatment miss Fluttershy. Now I must head to Twilight's as I originally wanted."

"You live at hers?"

"No. She summoned me here, introduced me to the princesses and her brother, than suggested me to take a job at Sweet Apple Acres. The Apples hired me, but I accidentally scared them with a machine, so I got fired. I have to find a new job, and I'm sure Twilight can help. Speaking of, I'm in no condition of dragging my machine with me. Can any of you offer a solution?"

"Why of course my dear, I can run forward and call Twilight here, then she can teleport it anywhere."

"You still afraid of physical exertion Rare? Just let me grab those ropes and I can drag your machine. I could use it as a sort of training."

"You sure about that, miss Dash? It is heavier than an average apple cart."

"I can pull apple carts flying. Just let me help you. It's the least I can offer after I injured you."

"Well, if you insist."

"John darling, you needn't go to Twilight's. You can live with me as long as you heal up, and my place is much nearer than Twilight's Friendship Castle."

"Seriously Rarity? Like if he were interested in fashion and all the superficial frou-frou things."

"Well I know him better than you do, and yes, he has manners, he gives a lady all the respect she deserves, which means he must have a good social and fashion sense also. Well, aside the monstrosity he is wearing now, but who knows, alien fashion can be really strange to a pony's eye, after all. You are just being jealous of me having a better first impact on new ponies or in this case people than you."

"Um. I can take care of you and fly you to my cottage, if that's okay with you. After all, I must be sure you recover fully from your injury and be fit and whole again."

"Well, that's really kind of you, though I think I'd rather walk. I don't want you overexert yourself by carrying me. I am at least as heavy as any of you."

"Hi girls, hi John!"

"Hi Twilight!"

"Why did you gather up here?"

"I was on my way visiting you and asking for your help, then we ran into Pinkie Pie, who said she will be hosting a Welcome to Equestria party for me at Sugarcube Corner then she dashed off, then we bumped into Rarity who accompanied me on my way to your Friendship Castle, then Rainbow Dash crash landed on me. After that she flew off and returned with Fluttershy who patched me up."

"Well, that's a lot of happening, though I'm not surprised. So how do you like working with the App... Sweet Celestia, what a fascinating machine! What does it do? Is it some kind of alien vehicle? How fast can it go? What fuels it? How mu"

(Thank you Rarity. My next invention will be an extendable Rarity's hoof stick to silence over-enthusiastic ponies.) "Twilight dear, John is seriously injured. You shouldn't bother him like this now."

"It's a tractor. It is designed to pull carts or agricultural equipment, for example a plow. Though I failed to install proper mufflers, so it is very-very loud. Apple Bloom got scared very badly when I started it, that's why I got fired from Sweet Apple Acres."

"I see. Would you mind if I borrowed it to examine it?"

"I'm sorry miss Twilight, but not now. It is very dangerous to people, or in this case, ponies who don't have an inkling of how it works. What if you accidentally started it, but couldn't turn it off? I should be there helping and supervising, but I still have a head injury to nurse."

"Well in this case, I can teleport you and your tractor to my castle, so you can rest there."

"Um... Twilight? You shouldn't teleport injured ponies or animals without a cause. It can affect their status and chances to recovery badly. I'm really surprised you haven't read about this. It would be better if you helped me bring him to my cottage, so he can heal and rest, if you don't mind."

"Uuuuuh. Fine. I'm not as good as you at medicine anyway. Though I can still teleport the tractor to my castle."

"I'm sorry if I offend you miss Twilight, but again: no. You are over-enthusiastic and in this case unreliable. You couldn't withstand the temptation to mess with it, just the way you couldn't withstand the temptation to summon an alien like me in this world. It is dangerous. I'd rather ask Rainbow Dash to destroy it right now, than leave it by you unattended."

"Yeah, because all I am good for is destroying things, right?"

"Well, you are super-efficient at breaking things, Dashie, don't you deny it. But in some cases it is super funny! You needn't destroy it Johnny! Twilight, you Pinkie promise not to touch it?"

"Yes Pinkie."

"Do the Pinkie Promise!"

"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."

"There. Don't be afraid Johnny, nopony, absolutely NOPONY breaks a Pinkie promise. Your machine and the citizens of Ponyville are safe now."

I don't know why, but I am convinced. This so-called Pinkie promise must be some serious business. And considering it stems from Pinkie Pie, I wouldn't dare to mess with it either.

"Alright."

"So, um, John, do you have the strength to walk with me, or should we fetch a cart?"

"I can walk, thank you Fluttershy. Goodbye ladies!"

"See you two later!" - they say to Fluttershy and me.

We arrive to Fluttershy's cottage after some three minutes of walk. She has lots of animals, from the smallest to the biggest. There is even a bear standing in the courtyard, who stands up on his rear legs menacingly as he sees me.

"Hello my little animals, I'm home!"

"OoooOOurgh?"

That was the bear. It sounds like as if he asked something.

"Oooo Ourgo oOouorhgh. John, this here is Harry, the bear. I will prepare dinner soon, but poor John got a head injury so he will be spending the night in that bed so I can watch him in case any complication occurred." - Fluttershy says, and the bear eases his stance and offers a foreleg, which I shake.

Well, yes, they have magic. They have weird colors and they can speak English. But apparently Fluttershy can understand, and even speak the language of some animals also. Maybe that is her magic. After showing me the bed, she heads to the kitchen, where she prepares dinner for her animals, and apparently, for me also. All of the animals wait patiently, except two: Harry, the bear, who isn't just simply waiting, he is helping Fluttershy by fetching the pots and slicing the vegetables, and a white rabbit who isn't helping at all, rather he is moving from one leg to another impatiently. Fluttershy and Harry are ready in half an hour. Naturally, the white rabbit gets served first. "Here you are, Angel. Be careful, don't eat it too fast, it's hot."

So this must be "her Angel", as she mentioned it in the afternoon. Well, as I observe, he is not really sympathetic, he acts impatient and greedy, but maybe he's just had a bad day. After the smaller animals are fed, Fluttershy, Harry and I sit at the table. This is the most delicious vegetable soup I have ever had in my life. It is rich with pasta and thickening, so after consuming one big plate I am already full up. Harry takes two and a half, but he is a bear, after all.

Thank you very much for your help and the dinner, Fluttershy. May I help you with the dishes?"

"No thanks, you really should rest so you recover quickly."

"As you wish. Thank you for your hospitality. Have a good night."

"You too, sweet dreams!"

I lay on the bed and prepare for a good night's rest.

In Which Princess Luna Throws Up (Warning: gore and violence)

Author's Note

There is a picture (but no video, no sound) link in this chapter depicting a Saw deathtrap before start. No blood, just the device set up and the soon-to-be victim attached to it. I have seen many more brutal content embedded in stories here, not to mention the comments, but still, if it is not your thing, be warned.
Also, this will be the only chapter in my story that warrants an M rating. Added Horror, Gore and Violence tag because of this chapter. After this, I will proceed in a lighter way.

In Which Princess Luna Throws Up (Warning: gore and violence)

It is late afternoon. Fluttershy examined me in the morning and she found that I recovered almost fully, so I could leave her cottage and get back to Twilight's. Though I didn't know why, I couldn't find the Friendship Castle. I tried to ask for directions, but I didn't bump into any of my friends, and the ponies I asked were not really friendly. That is, until a mysterious pony with an hourglass cutie mark gave me an envelope with my name on it.

"Walk down this road, until you arrive in front of the last house on the left. There you shall open the envelope and follow the instructions within."

There is something unsettling in his appearance. "And if I don't follow?"

"Then something really bad will happen. I suggest you begin your journey right now."

Well, OK. This starts to get really weird. The ponies I know were very friendly and helpful, and I know for sure that even if I couldn't find any of my friends, Pinkie Pie would have found me already. I must figure out what is happening. I take the envelope and start my walk. Upon arriving in front of the house, I get a feeling of deja vu. It reminds me of one of my secret hideouts. It is a huge abandoned industrial building. The only difference is that right now, I don't know anything about it. Wait, Ponyville doesn't have industrial buildings, right? What is happening here? Were the Princesses and my friends keeping secrets from me, because they were scared of me and my past?

I tear the envelope open. I see a small parchment with an anonymous message written on it, which reads "I know who you are." Seconds after reading the message, small flames start to erupt from the envelope and a magical screen-like object manifests in front of me. This is going to be very bad. A sturdy dark gray earth pony stallion with a black mane appears and starts talking.

"Hello, Mr. Kramer, or as you call yourself, John. I'm trusting you are wondering where you are. I can assure you that what your location is not important. What these walls offer for you is important. Salvation, if you earn it. You have made good friends with some of Ponyville's residents. Friendships you don't deserve. If you really want to become their friend, you have to earn their friendship by saving them through various means. As you see, Mr. Kramer, friendship may be magic, but it doesn't come without sacrifice. Enter the building and follow the instructions. Only that way can you earn their friendship, unless you want to be imaginary friends with six dead ponies."

I can handle this. It always amused me how my subjects were freaking out and shouting at the monitor which displayed my messages, as if it would change anything. No, I don't waste my time and energy with useless things like this. Whoever this pony is, it's not important. I must enter the building and solve this problem, then I will find out who this pony is, and take care of him once and for all.

I try to open the door only to find it locked. There is a small message painted with red on the wall next to the door. "Not every situation can be solved with intelligence." Probably it implies that I must break down the door by force. Or that is exactly what the mysterious pony is counting on, and there is a key somewhere, or another secret entry. I begin to check out the building for further details. I notice a window at the right side of the building. So, you want force? I will give it to you. I take out a brick from the ruins of the brick fence, and throw it at the window, shattering it. Yes, I have to climb in. Even if the underside of the window starts at chest height, I am not accustomed to climbing walls. I try to pull myself up, but I don't have enough strength. I have to take a running start. After the fourth attempt, I manage to get myself up and climb in.

I enter a dark room. As if my presence triggered it, I see the familiar magical screen-like object appear. "Hello Mr. Kramer. You thought you would surprise me. It's time that I presented you a surprise. You could have entered through the main entrance, but you just had to take a shortcut. You could have saved all six of your friends, but now, you will watch those who you left behind die. You can still save Applejack, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash, but now, all of you watch helplessly as Fluttershy meets her end because of your failure. After she is taken care of, the same goes for Pinkie Pie."

With that, I hear mechanisms locking, then the magical monitor shows me (and probably the other captives also) the room where Fluttershy is locked in a hideous device. A device I am too familiar with. A device which I named the Rack. Well, this explains a lot. If all my six friends were captured here, then it's no wonder I haven't seen them all day.

"You may be familiar with this structure, Mr. Kramer. It is your personal favorite. Though this time, you are locked away. You cannot interfere. Ever wondered if this machine were still your favorite after it tortures to death somebody you love and care of? Now this device starts twisting, and there is nothing you can do about it."

Yes, sure. This pony surely knows a thing or two, but if he expects that I just stand back and watch in horror, or lash out and break down everything and myself in blind rage, he clearly underestimated me. I stop watching the monitor and I start to explore the room, when I suddenly collide with an invisible magical barrier. It evolves into a magical aura which freezes me in place and turns me in the direction of the monitor. There I can only watch in horror as the wicked device starts to twist Fluttershy's left wing. She has tears in her eyes, and I can clearly see that she is very frightened. After a half twist she cries out in pain. The cruel machine twists further at the same pace. Over the cries of Fluttershy, I can clearly hear the joints dislocating, the bones breaking, then the flesh tearing up. Blood spills from the torn flesh and I can see the disfigured bones protruding in sickening directions. The machine is twisting further relentlessly, until the whole wing is torn apart from the body. I struggle in vain to get out of the grip of the magical aura, but it holds me in place steadily. Fluttershy gasps in pain, until the wicked machine starts to twist her right wing. I hate myself really bad. I could have saved her from this painful fate, if I had followed the rules exactly. I should have broken down the main entrance, thus saving her and Pinkie Pie. Or I should have killed myself before I met any of them, as I originally intended. But I still don't break down. I must steel myself, otherwise more innocent ponies will suffer and die because of my failure.

I force-watch the second wing being torn apart when a blinding bluish-white light flashes up and I see Princess Luna exiting from it. Thanks to Twilight, I know that she cast a teleport spell.

"Princess Luna! Help us, we are in serious trouble! Teleport me to the device where Fluttershy is locked up so I can stop it and we can free her before the device tears her legs apart!"

She looks at me as if I were crazy, then she turns her head towards the magical monitor. An expression of pure shock appears on her face. She wants to say something, to do something, but she can only watch in horror as the already wingless Fluttershy's left foreleg is being torn apart from her body. She starts to tremble, then does something which comes as a total surprise to me: she throws up and crashes to the ground, fainting. So now I don't just have four ponies to rescue, but also a pony princess to wake up. I try to move towards her, but the magical aura is still holding me in place. I am forced to watch as the machine tears apart the remaining legs of Fluttershy one by one. After the last leg is torn away, the machine unlocks and dumps the now unconscious Fluttershy to the ground into the pool of her own blood. The wicked magical aura finally releases me. I immediately turn my head where Princess Luna was minutes before, only to look at the empty floor.

I wake up in the bed to a warm, sunny morning. I see Fluttershy already preparing breakfast for her animals, while humming a happy melody. Thank goodness, she is whole and sane. I am used to cruel, scary nightmares, but, after a long time, this was the first time when a nightmare literally made me sick. I have had many nightmares related to the murders myself or Amanda or Mark committed, but this was the first time when I or somebody I cared of were in the role of the helpless victim.

Let's think this over. I have already seen the brown stallion with the hourglass cutie mark. He was the one who stared at me the hardest when I was on the streets of Ponyville with Twilight, as if he suspected something, though I didn't care at the time. Needless to say, not everypony knew about my past, only those few whom I have told already: Twilight, the Princesses and Shining Armor, and probably Pinkie Pie, though I can't imagine how. That would explain the letter and the message. The mysterious gray pony with the black mane must have been my subconscious. The six ponies trapped were the six ponies I knew and befriended the first day here. Conclusion: I'm afraid that something bad will happen to them because of me. But what has this to do with Princess Luna? It is then when Fluttershy notices me getting up.

"Good morning, John. Did you sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you very much." I lie.

"Um. I don't want to be rude, but you don't look like someone who slept really well. Is something troubling you? Did you have an unpleasant nightmare?" Apparently Fluttershy is not your average pony, not even your average doctor. Clearly she is an adept observer and has a good understanding of psychology also, not just standard medicine. Those who care about their patients, know a lot about them.

"Yes, I had, but I don't want to trouble you with it. I must handle it on my own."

"If you wish, but I am here, I would gladly help you. Let me examine you first." She places a hoof on my forehead, then checks my pulse, then removes the bandage. "It seems your head injury is healing already. Let me put on a small band-aid, then you can have breakfast, and you are free to go, if you wish."

"I'm very happy to hear that."

An Encounter with the Princesses (and some drunk pegasi)

Breakfast consists of pancakes filled with different kinds of jam, and maple syrup. Seriously, are all ponies masters of cuisine? I know for sure that the Apples can cook and bake more kinds of apple pastries that I have ever imagined, all wonderfully delicious, but even the finest of their cookies are put to shame by Fluttershy's pancakes. And I haven't visited Sugarcube Corner yet. After finishing breakfast, we say our goodbyes, and finally I can head back to Twilight's Friendship Castle. Though this time, I am awake. Some ponies are staring at me still, but they appear to be rather curious than hostile. I catch the eye of a mint green unicorn with a harp cutie mark. She waves, then trots up to me. I can see some fan-girl enthusiasm radiating from her face and her moves, though I don't understand why, I see no pony celebrities around me.

"Hi. I am Lyra Heartstrings. I am so happy to meet you!"

"Hi. My name is John. Pleased to meet you too." She offers a hoof which I shake. Upon ending the hoofshake, I realize that I can't move my hand. I see her horn glowing and a small magical aura surrounding my hand.

"Yes! A human! Everypony told me humans exist only in mythology, but now here you are, standing before me!" Well, looks like she is fascinated by my human form. This starts to get very awkward.

"Well, this is quite interesting, Miss Heartstrings, but..."

"Lyra. Just call me Lyra."

"Well, Lyra, but I have things to do, so if you could kindly release my hand, I'd appreciate that."

"Heh. Sorry. Can I accompany you at least?"

Sure, after yesterday's events and my last nightmare, why not? I guess I can still handle some more awkwardness. "Sure, why not. I'm heading to Twilight's to discuss a few things and get a new job." I say in a reluctant tone.

"Yesss!" She exclaims with glee.

We barely walk fifty meters when I notice the brown stallion with the hourglass cutie mark. He doesn't wave, nor say a word, just aims that same piercing look at me. Lyra catches my direction of look.

"Do you know him?" I ask.

"Not really. Nopony does, not even Pinkie Pie. His name is Time Turner, but that's all I know about him. He is almost always alone, almost never saying a word. Rarity thinks that he is an alicorn in disguise waiting to take over all the universe, but suffice is to say, she is not very sharp. She may be a clever businessmare and may have a good fashion sense, but she believes and shares gossips, urban legends and conspiracy theories too often. Some think that he is not even a pony, but an almighty deity in the body of a pony, while some ponies think he is just an ordinary earth pony with weird habits. I myself don't think that he is a deity, nor an alicorn, nor an ordinary earth pony. He seems like somepony who knows a lot, but wants to keep it to himself."

"Well, thank you. At least this is some help." So apparently he knows a lot more than an average pony. It is not impossible that he knows who I am, where I am from, where my world is, but he won't tell.

Meanwhile, we have arrived in front of the Friendship Castle. "So, thank you for accompanying me, Lyra."

"Hey, I don't have to leave yet, at least I can say hi to Twilight!"

"If you insist, why not?" I knock on the door. It opens within 10 seconds, and an infuriated Twilight shows up.

"Hello, John and Lyra."

"Hi Twilight." We say in unison.

"John, it is good you are here. We were just thinking about sending the Royal Guards in search for you. Please enter. Sorry Lyra, we are facing serious problems here. We don't have neither time nor capacity to deal with your obsessions now. Princesses business."

I enter the door which closes behind me with Twilight's magic. "What's the matter, Twilight?"

"This morning, the moon was still up when Princess Celestia raised the sun, so she had to lower the moon herself before a mass panic could erupt. That is just the beginning. She headed immediately to Princess Luna's quarters, and she found her sister in her workroom unconscious. The rest will be discussed by the three of us and you."

Twilight leads me to a throne room of her castle where the two princesses are sitting with unhappy faces. Princess Luna's face speaks of fear and worry. She even has tears in her eyes, as if she has recently cried, though I don't know why, while Princess Celestia tries to hold a poker face, but I can observe the anger and disdain directed towards me. I have a bad feeling about this.

"Greetings, Mr. Kramer. As you already know, I found my sister unconscious this morning. Do you have an explanation?"

"Greetings, Princesses. To answer your question, Princess, I am really sorry, but I have no clue."

"Are you implying that you don't know anything about your little prank last night in which you scared my dear Luna so badly that she fainted?" She asks menacingly.

"I remember having the worst nightmare of my life including my dearest friends here and that at one point, Princess Luna appeared and fainted, but that was just a dream. It doesn't have to affect the happenings of the reality, just my mind processes the information formerly received, If I'm not mistaken."

"You are lucky you are telling the truth. I have cast a lie-detecting spell on you the moment you entered, but it hasn't acted so far. So, you didn't deliberately scare her, but the damage is still done."

"If you allow me some forwardness, Princess, I must ask: how did Princess Luna know about my nightmare? Isn't she responsible for raising and lowering the moon, placing the stars and guarding the night sky? How come she has seen my nightmare?"

"She is the Princess of the Night. She can read the dreams of the ponies, and even modify them to a certain level. But she has never ever had to see the amount of violence and cruelty displayed in your nightmare. She hasn't spoken a word since she was shaken back to consciousness, nor have slept. Upon entering your nightmare, the scene shocked her so deeply that she couldn't do anything, not even escape or wake you up. You know, Luna is awake while dream-reading, so if a nightmare frightens or shocks her, it affects her while she is awake. That's why she fainted in your dream and in reality also."

(Twilight forgot to mention this!) "I am very sorry. I didn't know Princess Luna had the ability to read an individual's dreams, but even if I had known, I have little to no control over my dreams. I appreciate the help, but it would be safe to all of us if Princess Luna refrained from visiting my dreams in the future. I really didn't want to harm her, nor any of you."

"You really mean it?" I almost didn't hear that. I meet the teary-eyed gaze of Princess Luna, who looks still afraid. It pains me deeply to see her like this.

"Yes, Princess. It was just an accident. I can't promise anything, so as I said before: You should better not visiting my dreams. With my past, and with my crimes committed, the nightmares can return anytime. I deserve to face them, but I don't want to expose anypony to them anymore."

"If you really don't want to harm me, then give me a hug."

"Of course."

I hug the teary-eyed Princess, who begins to relax a bit, probably the first time since morning.

"Just remember, Mr. Kramer. Should you do any harm to my sister, I will personally read through your mind and select the most painful method to execute you, do I make myself clear? The same applies to you, Twilight. I know you adore me, but do not miscalculate, I will dispose of you without any second thought if you endanger Luna again. After all, John was just having a nightmare with no control over it, you were the one who summoned him to Equestria deliberately."

"Princess, I'm... I...

"You better feel sorry, Twilight. Remember this before you commit another failure in the future. Magical experiences have their limits. Farewell." With that, she teleports out of the throne room with Princess Luna.

Well, looks like asking Twilight about jobs is out of commission for today. She doesn't feel angry anymore, she feels ashamed, just as me. I don't know how ponies handle shame, but I have a good method: I go for a walk.

I spend the remainder of the day wandering around town, thinking of the events which happened recently. Do I really belong here? It looks like I am still a threat to those around me, even unwillingly. I just hope Fluttershy will never get to see the same dream myself and Princess Luna have seen. It is almost evening. I see a little bar next to me called "The Golden Barrel". A thought occurs to me: why not? I am well past trying to solve my problems by getting drunk, but a few drinks never hurt, and anyway, if I have to live the rest of my life here, then it is time to learn how the ponies socialize in a bar. I enter the bar, and walk up to the counter and greet the bartender, who is a middle-aged stallion with a blue coat and has three jugs as a cutie mark. Luckily I have some bits with me.

"Good evening. A jug of Sweet Apple Cider, please." The bartender looks at my human form with a bit of surprise, but he serves the cider nevertheless. Probably he has seen his own share of strangeness throughout his life already.

"Just a moment. That will be 3 bits. Thank you."

I take my drink and sit down at a small table far from the populated area. My mind starts to wander, when I hear the clop of hooves approaching. Upon looking at the direction of the sound, I see an unfamiliar pegasus mare with a teal coat and an amber-gold striped mane and tail holding a jug of cheap cider in her mouth. Her mane seems as if it was not combed, rather styled to minimal aerodynamical resistance in a wind tunnel. Her cutie mark consists of a lightning bolt and three stars, while her eyes have almost the same amber hue as her mane. Upon further inspection I notice that she is fairly muscular in general also, but even with her general build, her wing muscles stand out, even more than that of Rainbow Dash.

"Hello. Do you mind if I sit?" She asks in a casual manner.

"Help yourself." I answer. My observations so far: Ponies with pink coat colors are cheerful party ponies. Ponies with mint green/ teal coat colors will bother me when I would rather be alone. Good to know.

"Name's Lightning Dust." She introduces herself while extending a... wing instead of a hoof. I can notice that some of the pegasus mares present start to glare at us with a hint of disapproval, though I don't know why.

"My name is John. It is nice to meet you."

"Forgive me if I'm blunt, but what are you exactly?"

"I'm a human. I was summoned here by Twilight Sparkle by accident from another universe."

"Wait. You try to tell me that the Princess of Friendship messed with forbidden magic and cast a summoning spell? That's definitely something." She looks like as if she didn't believe that she heard.

"Yes. How do you know so much about magic? You aren't a unicorn."

"Neither are you. Though I work at Cloudsdale Weather Factory, and many of our activity requires magic. Mostly pegasus magic, but still, it never hurts to read and stay up-to-date about the different kinds of magic."

"Cloudsdale Weather Factory? What is that for? Do they produce devices which manipulate the weather?"

"No. We produce the weather. The winds, the different kinds of clouds, the raindrops, the snowflakes, the lightning bolts and the rainbows."

"Well, that is a lot to take in. You manufacture components of weather? Where I come from, weather just happens. We have means to lessen the impact of a weather disaster, but we don't produce the components of it. You mentioned you work at Cloudsdale Weather Factory. Is Cloudsdale the name of a town, like Ponyville?"

"Yes, it is. I was born and I am living there currently also. It is a town funded and almost solely populated by pegasi, even these days. All the best fliers are born and trained in Cloudsdale. Whoops, it seems our jugs have run empty. I'll get some new ones."

Before I could protest, she was already up, holding the empty jugs in her mouth. On her way to the counter, an inebriated pegasus mare with a lilac coat and a blonde mane bumped into her.

"Watch your step, drunkie!" She yelled, and pushed the tipsy mare aside. Well, it looks like she is even more brash than Rainbow Dash. From what she told me, she isn't from Ponyville, yet she acts as if she owned the place. The same pegasus mares who glared at us earlier intensified their glare, now clearly directed at her. Suddenly I realize that it is time to act, if I don't want to witness a fight. I make my way towards the counter to meet her and the soon-to-be angry pegasus mares surrounding her before she starts a fight.

"Sorry ladies, I apologize for her misdeeds. Lightning Dust, could you stop, please? You are bullying the locals."

"So what? These worthless drunkards should be taught a lesson not to mess with real pegasi."

"So you think we are inferior to you?" Asks the same lilac-coated mare who collided with her accidentally. "Just make the first move and we will put you in place."

"Come now, Cloud Kicker. I know you. You are so sloppy and shallow that you have already been fired from Cloudsdale Weather - twice! I don't know how much time in Blossomforth's bed did it take to get you back but you will be fired again, and after that, you won't be hired ever again. I see you have Flitter and Cloudchaser with you, the ones who had to train to gather enough strength even to be able to cloud bucking."

"It was a pleasure to meet you, Lightning Dust. Though now, I take my leave."

"Ha-ha. You'll never get yourself a stallion again and you know it! Even aliens can't tolerate your shit."

"John, wait! Don't just leave me behind!"

"What's your problem, Dusty? You can still chase him down the street and beat the crap out of him just as you did with your latest coltfriend. And your other coltfriend before him."

"That's a lie! I only beat my coltfriend once, because he was cheating on me with Rai..."

I close the door behind me. The lilac mare, who I assume to be Cloud Kicker is right. I don't need this shit on top of my life right now. I have enough to deal with already. It's a pity though. She seemed to be so well educated, so well-read, but it looks like she is a bully. I start to walk back towards Twilight's when I hear the door open. No surprise, Lightning Dust has just taken her leave and is heading towards me.

"John, please, wait for me!"

You know what? I'll wait for her. Let's see what happens.

"Why did you leave? I could have handled those three excuses of a pegasus."

"No, you couldn't have." I retort. "You could have beaten them up, so what? You would have been banned from The Golden Barrel, alongside with me, if I'm unlucky enough. I handled them, as well as your foolishness."

"What? You dare talk to me in such manner?"

"Yes. Do your worst, and prove Cloud Kicker right. I have been through a lot already, I can handle anything your kind could throw at me. I stood my ground against the Princesses in debate. I have met humans like you. I broke them all. Goodbye."

With this I head back to Twilight's. I don't know whether Lightning Dust is following me, or is still standing there, or has already left somewhere else. I couldn't care less. I have a night to sleep through, and tomorrow, some jobs to apply.

A Job At The Spa

Author's Note

Caution: Profanity. Ever wondered what if the Spa Ponies were swearing like low-skilled teenage wannabe rappers? Now you'll see.

A Job At The Spa

Lights are still up in Twilight's workroom when I reach the Friendship Castle, so luckily I don't have to wake up anypony to enter. I head towards the same guestroom I occupied during my first night in Equestria when I meet two unicorn mares exiting from Twilight's workroom: a light purple one with violet-blue eyes and a purple and light blue colored mane and a light blue one slightly darker than Rainbow Dash with lilac eyes and a silver and light-blue mane.

"Hi ladies, My name is John." I greet them.

"Hi John. My name is Starlight Glimmer. Twilight has already told us about you."

"Hi John. I am the Great and Powerful Trrrrrixieee!" Says the light blue one, while I see small fireworks erupting from her horn and hear some circus-like fanfare as if it came from invisible speakers. Yes, great and powerful. With optical and auditive illusions. I can't resist the urge, so I cynically retort.

"Well pleased to meet you Miss Great and Powerful. I am John." I say this while looking deeply in her eyes. No self-given titles like Great, Powerful, Wise or Fearsome, just simply John. This is my first test on her. Those wise enough recognize the strength and willpower behind a simple name, while the light-headed ones may think that they are superior because of their given titles. It seems like Trixie at least has the intelligence to recognize her mistake.

"But, you can call me just Trixie." She says while drooping her ears.

"So what are you two doing here?" I ask.

"We were planning a new performance for Trixie's upcoming tour." Answers Starlight. I don't know why, but I have a slight feeling of unease towards her. I was a master of reading and anticipating human minds, after all, and pony minds, while not the same, show quite a few similarities. I have the impression that Starlight is exactly the opposite of Trixie. She doesn't boast, doesn't use fancy titles, moreover, she seems to deliberately hide behind Trixie's parade. And those who hide, have a reason to hide. Maybe she is indeed the great and powerful, but likes to keep her abilities secret. Or maybe she has done some wrongs and she wishes to play second fiddle and hide behind a charismatic pony.

"I see. And could you by chance tell me where Twilight is?"

"She left us a message which says she is visiting her brother and sister-in-law in the Crystal Empire. Something about feeling down and having to get away and meet her big brother."

"I see. In this case, I guess I'll just take a shower and go to bed. Good night you two."

"Good night, John."

It is late afternoon. Fluttershy examined me in the morning and she found that I recovered almost fully, so I could leave her cottage and get back to Twilight's. Though I didn't know why, I couldn't find the Friendship Castle. But this time, unlike last night, I immediately recognize that I am dreaming. If Nancy Thompson was able to defeat Freddy Krueger, then I, John Kramer, can definitely beat my own mind in its petty games. I walk up to the pony with the hourglass cutie mark before he has a chance to say or do anything.

"Leave me and my dreams alone. You have no power above me." I simply state. I turn my back on him when I catch view of the mane of a familiar dark blue alicorn hiding behind a wall. I pick up a cake from a nearby bush and throw it towards her, hitting her square in the face.

"Told you never visit my dreams again, naughty little princess." I say while she is busy trying to clean the cake out of her muzzle, eyes, mane and even her ears. I guess Celestia will seek an audience with me... again. Totally worth it, though.

Suddenly I am back on Earth again. I'm setting up the Bathroom Trap with Amanda. Though this time, she is not the disturbed, fragile girl who had become a murderer. She captures the essence of my test and makes Adam's trap winnable. Yes. Adam can truly earn his freedom, if he is up to the task.

The scene switches to a theme park. I watch my five-year-old son sitting on the carousel and cheering with my wife Jill. Of course, I know this is a dream. But if you dream, dream big.

I wake up in the morning well rested. I head to the kitchen where Spike is already preparing his gemstone-filled pancakes.

"Hi Spike, did you sleep well?" I greet him enthusiastically.

"Yes, I had a dream where I had a successful date with Rarity. Too bad it was just a dream though. How about you?"

"Well, I had some pleasant dreams too. Do you know when Twilight comes back?"

"I guess not before three days. Being scolded by her former mentor, Princess Celestia makes her very depressed even up to these days. And when she feels down, most of the time she visits her brother and her sister-in-law, who used to be her baby-sitter when she was a filly. But hey, I am here for you, as well as Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Applejack."

"I see." So apparently, she has a far deeper connection with Princess Cadance than I initially thought.

Suddenly small green flames erupt from Spike's mouth, and a small letter materializes in front of him.

"A letter from Princess Celestia!" He exclaims.

Dear Spike,
Twilight will pass the next 3 days in the Crystal Empire with Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance. Though my primary purpose of writing this letter is for John. If you see him, please show him this letter.

Dear John,
If you are reading this, let you know that I found your prank on my sister last night absolutely hilarious! She still keeps wobbling between laughing like a madmare and feeling angry because of the cake incident. Though next time, I hope she will have the decency to invite me into your dreams.
Yours truly,
Celestia

p.s. If you visit me next time, you better throw me with a REAL cake. Dream cakes don't taste that good, and are far less nutritious. And please, don't waste any of it on Luna. She doesn't appreciate a good cake as much as me.

p.p.s. Hey John, This is Luna speaking. You may have bested me in your silly dream, but if you deem yourself worthy of a man, come and face me in Canterlot in an epic battle of a pillow fight. Come and meet your soft and feathery defeat.
Yours,
Luna, Princess Of The Night And The Pillow Fortress

Crazy pony princesses. How can they rule a kingdom this big without problems with this mindset? I will never understand. After finishing breakfast, we both wash up our respective dishes, then I head out on the streets. Spike is right, Twilight may be far away, but I still have other friends to bump into. Upon heading to the town square, I notice Rarity leaving Carousel Boutique.

"Hello, Rarity, where are you going?"

"John! What a pleasure to meet you. I'm heading for the spa, and I have some wonderful news to you! I am well connected with Lotus and Aloe, who own the town spa, and they are recruiting for a mechanic to operate and maintain the spa equipment. I said that I know somebody who would be perfect for the job, and they became totally enthusiastic. Just come with me, dear, I already have said my word for you."

"Why thank you, Rarity. This is really good news. I will be in your debt if I get hired."

"Nonsense, darling. It is in my interest also, that as a regular, I can enjoy all the services provided by the spa without any problems. But look, we are already here. Hi, Lotus! Is Aloe here?"

"Hi, Rarity. Yes, she is downstairs, trying to fix the pipes which would provide the bubbles for the jacuzzi, but she's been at it already for one and a half hours, and still no success."

"Well I have good news for you. Do you remember John, the man I recommended to you? He is here with me right now. John, this is Lotus, co-owner of Ponyville Spa. Lotus, this is John Kramer, a human extremely talented in mechanics and engineering."

"Greetings, Miss Lotus."

"The pleasure is mine, Mr. Kramer."

"It's just John, please." We perform the usual hoofshake. "Let me take a look at the pipeline. Only then and there can I be sure whether I can fix the problem or not."

"Of course, John. Follow me." I follow her down to the basement where I see (and hear) a frowning earth pony mare with a pink coat and a blue-white mane cursing like a football hooligan.

"Fuck, that worthless fucking piece of shit that rots down everyday just to make me and my day suck harder than a teenage filly on a manticore's dick!!! Seriously, one day I will just break the whole shit down and earn money as a common whorse, it just makes more sense!"

"ALOE!!! We have company!"

"Hi, Lotus! I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I don't share it. This fucking pipe broke down, AGAIN, already the third time on the week! Seriously, if I had a good rutting every time this shit breaks down, I would die the happiest mare in all of Equestria! Um. Hi."

"Hello, miss Aloe. My name is John. Do you mind if I take over? I have already agreed with your sister."

"Ah yes, you should be the mechanic Rarity talked about. Come, have a look, I'm tired of that shit already anyway." She trots off with a harrumph.

"Well, I see what the problem is. The pipe is too corroded and rusty and the heated air is leaking. I can fix it temporarily right now with some basic welding, though I have to close the main valve during repair, which means all systems depending on this pipe will be out of order until I'm done. Though I must say, if you aim for a more durable solution, the whole pipeline should be replaced by corrosion-resistant material instead of rough iron. I shall do a look-over on the whole system before I can calculate costs and duration."

"This pipe only supplies the jacuzzi." Says Lotus in a more professional manner. "How long does it take to get it fixed? Temporarily, i mean?"

"Temporarily, it is just half an hour. Though the problem will occur again, and again, and again, until a new pipeline is built up, offering a permanent solution."

"We'll see if you can solve it. If you manage to fix the problem within an hour, you are hired."

"Well, I'll need a welding device and some metal plates, do you have any?"

"Yes. We have a torch, stored dragonflame, fill rods and metal plates. After all, we have been facing the problem since the third month after the beginning."

Of course, a torch in Equestria is powered by dragonflame instead of acetylene mixed with oxygen. I manage to stuff the holes faster than I expected. After twenty minutes, the pipe is fixed and ready to test. I re-open the valve while Lotus is checking the jacuzzi.

"It works!" She exclaims happily. "Yes, you have done it! Usually it takes one or two hours for us to fix it. You are hired." It turned out to be a good start of the day.

I forgive you.

Author's Note

So yes, this is a Saw series x MLP:FiM story. Sometimes I re-read my chapters and still find typos, grammatical mistakes and even more severe errors in regard of plot consistency (that is to say, contradictions within a chapter or within the story as a whole.)

I thought writing should be more easy after reading hundreds of fanfictions, but no, it is not. Even if I had read thousands, or ten thousands of stories, I would have the same difficulties, because writing has nothing to do with reading, which is a passive, observing-only activity instead of an active, creating activity.

I added this note after I SAW (never waste a chance to make a bad pun) the negative feedback and luckily some more helpful comments pointing out how I should have cleared the waters right in the beginning.

I won't ask anybody to proofread as a favor, but if you happen to read this story, and you notice some errors it still contains, I'd appreciate it if you pointed them out in a comment. Thank you.

I forgive you.

"I forgive you."
I heard the vicious sound of the circular saw being turned on. I was not even surprised. Jeff Denlon was not the kind of man who learned things easily. Like most of us humans, he had a common failure: the utter feeling of vengeance. The kind of vengeance that effectively blindfolds a human mind so severely that rational thinking is almost impossible. In fact, I didn't expect Amanda to refuse to let go Lynn. I was even shocked when she shot her in the belly. Failed as if she was, I didn't expect any of that from her. Looks like I failed my own test in the end. I knew my time was running out, and I so desperately wanted to choose a successor that I failed to see her flaws for a long time, even though Mark had warned me. Eventually I realized her still fragile nature and murderous tendencies, but too late. The moment she shot Lynn I knew that my game was over. Jeff was going to kill me, and her wife as well, because of the game I set up. I readied up the little cassette player in my hand just the moment he sliced my throat. Funny thing is, you don't die the very moment your throat is sliced open. I still had the power to push the Play button. As my previously recorded monologue went on, I lost consciousness step by step because of the blood loss. My field of vision narrowed to a tunnel, with an inviting white light at the other end. Then suddenly, the bright white light took it over all.

"Yes! I did it!" Twilight Sparkle was over-excited with joy as her new, improved summoning spell worked. "I managed to summon an alien being from another reality! Not even Star Swirl the Bearded had accomplished that!"

She looked over the being laying on its back on the marble floor of the workroom of her Friendship Castle. It had two very large rear legs and two smaller front legs, with five small and thin appendages similar to that of Iron Will, the Minotaur. Its rear legs were covered in shoes. It appeared to have no fur on its body, except its head, where there was greyish hair, but it didn't resemble a pony's mane. Its body was covered in strange clothing. Its rear legs were covered in something similar to pants, while its upper body was covered in a sweatshirt not fit to pony use and its color slightly resembling the mane and tail of Applejack. If its face was anything to go by, it appeared to be a he, and it appeared to be at least middle-aged. Its head was nothing similar to any animal of the planet Equis. Its build slightly resembled a minotaur, but even minotaurs have bigger eyes than it appeared to have, not to mention the lack of horns. The other species to compare with was the monkey, though monkeys had fur almost all over their bodies, just like any other mammals of Equis.

After a few more minutes of waiting, it opened its eyes and sat up.
"Where am I? I have never thought afterlife would exist". He mumbled to himself, barely audible to Twilight.

"Hi there. I am Twilight Sparkle. Who are you?"

"My name is John."

"John? What an unusual name."

"That coming from a purple winged unicorn by the name Twilight Sparkle. Back on Earth, John is a very common name. Is this the place where dead people live after their death?"

"What is people?"

"People, humans, persons. Humans like me."

"What is human?

"Human is the name of our species. Am I the first human to appear here?"

"Um... Yes."

"So, if I am the first to appear here, I must ask: What is this place exactly?"

"You are on Planet Equis, in the Kingdom of Equestria."

"Well, that explains a lot. On Earth, we have horses and ponies similar to you, but they cannot talk. In the classification of organical lifeforms, Equus is a group of horselike creatures like horses, ponies, zebras and donkeys. Though, back on Earth, horses don't have neither horns, nor such vivid coat colors. In fact, I must ask: are you a horse, or a pony?"

"I am a pony. We only have horses in the Everfree Forest, one of the most dangerous places of Equestria. They are very rare, very big, even bigger than Princess Celestia herself, very strong, and very feral. While they do not threaten ponies in general, they act violently when somepony is trespassing their territory. They are herbivores, just like us ponies, but they are not sentient, and they have no magic, nor flying abilities."

"Well, that is a lot to take in. Did you just say magic?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Well, back on earth, we don't have magic. Truth be said, this whole place looks like something taken out from a fairytale of Earth. Fairytale for girls, to be specific. Magic, unicorns, girlish colored cartoon ponies... I guess you have princesses and castles also."

"...Erm... Yes, we have." (I'm not sure I should tell him that I am actually a princess. I expected him to react far more extremely, though he seems to adapt very fast and very well. I can't even imagine where he is from, considering the bare concept of magic is surprising to him.) "You don't have any magic at your world?"

"No. Except the miraculous complexity of the human mind. But right now I have some very serious questions and I'd like to have proper answers."

"Go ahead."

"Last thing I remember that my throat was sliced open, and I was bleeding to death. I am pretty sure I am dead now, and this may be the afterlife. How come there are no other humans here?"

"Well... that's not exactly what happened. Yes, you were dying. I was testing my new summoning spell, and it accidentally locked on you, and dragged you here through a portal before you could die."

"I should have bled to death here then. How come my throat is intact, not to mention I have the bandage on my head because of a recent brain surgery, but", he carefully removed his bandage to examine it, "no blood?"

"Upon entering Equestria, a healing spell was cast on you. Though this is the first succesful summoning in Equestrian history, it looks like if an alien being is summoned to planet Equis then it gets its body restructured so its injuries disappear. Mind if I ask you something personal?"

"Go ahead."

"Why were all of you severely injured in that room? Did some monstrosity attack you or you did this to each other?"

There. The question I feared the most. Though I have learned my lesson. I failed my own game. No more games, no more deaths on my conscience. Especially not here. I know one individual is nothing to go by pattern, but if the majority of the ponies are like Twilight, then I don't even deserve to be among them. In fact, it would be the best for them if I disappeared to nothingness this instant. No need to bring and spread the epidemic of human violence and death in a wonderful fairytale world like this. Amanda herself declared that she was a murderer. Thinking it over, I am nothing but a murderer too. My own words jump to my mind and bite heavily at my conscience. "If you're good at anticipating the human mind, it leaves nothing to chance". Considering this, I should have known that almost all of my subjects would die, but I still placed them in my traps. Even if survival was possible, it wouldn't have come without a huge and scary sacrifice, one that most people are not up to.

"We did it to each other. Now listen Twilight. I am not a good person. I have done terrible things in my life, things that I am fairly sure no inhabitant of this world could ever imagine. I should be dead by now for what I have done. You either offer me death or I must perform it myself when I gather the strength to do it."

"Or... I could send a letter to Princesses Celestia and Luna. Truth is, I must inform them, because this is the first occasion a summoning spell has ever worked, and as rulers of Equestria, they must be informed. And by chance, they could offer you a home and job so that you could settle down. No matter what you have done in your world, you seem to have regretted it, and you seem to be a consciencious person. I bet the Princesses would accept you with open hooves."

Maybe she was right. After all, I have already failed suicide once. Truth is, my failed suicide attempt did no use to me, nor those around me. It alienated me from my wife. It did not bring me back my unborn son, nor did erase the memory of him. It only devolved me into becoming a serial killer. In the end, I broke those around me, those spared were very few. And I'm sick of hurting. Sick of thinking it's all I do. Sick of it all. I remember saying "sick of it all" then severely cutting a police officer in the neck. But no. I will not harm these ponies. Neither physically, nor emotionally. That's why I must face the princesses. I don't want Twilight to feel sad. Even if she doesn't know me. Even if she thinks of me far better than I deserve to be.