When a Lucky Streak Goes Bust
Ruby was running late.
She galloped down the long hallways of the Canterlot Archives. Ponies who knew the small red unicorn laughed and shouted words of encouragement to urge her onwards.
Ruby couldn’t believe she had messed up her schedule again. A single misspelling on her calendar had indicated that the time she was meeting her Professor today was 11 pm instead of the appropriate am.
She skidded around the corner into the Archives’ expansive Archeology department as she cursed the pony that thought switching all the time in the Archives to standard instead of military was a good idea.
Ruby felt exhaustion begin to pull at her as she galloped down the final stretch of hall that would lead her to the Archeology wing’s private offices.
With the impending scolding that would soon follow, Ruby remarked to herself that she only had herself to blame. Even if she had recorded the time correctly, she still would have been late.
It wasn’t entirely her fault. She would get absorbed into some new Obsession of Cultural Significance and forget that she had an appointment in the next five minutes that she couldn’t afford to miss.
Ruby could recite back all the major accomplishments and historic events of the last few thousand years, but if asked to keep track of time she would probably find herself several hours late after having binge read a complete record of the Pre-Discordian era for what would be the fifteenth time.
It was ironic for a pony with a clock for a cutie mark.
She dodged around a priceless antique from the old Griffon Republic and stopped before the hallway leading to her professor’s office. It was packed with artifacts and antiques stretching from one end to the other.
Ruby knew from experience that the line of artifacts was meticulously catalogued and organized from Pre-Discordian to the Modern Era starting from about five feet to the left and ending just at the Rune Studies department.
An electrified energy field still seemed excessive for a territory marker.
In the Archeology department’s defense, they had storage for all these antiques, but they had long since exceeded capacity, and then the entire space of a second granted by Celestia herself. It was why the department had the nickname of the Junkyard.
Ruby mapped out her route and, with a series of precise hops and gallops learned from experience, arrived at the door to her Professor’s office.
It was made of maple wood that was newer than the other doors in the hallway due to an incident with several urns and a shark skeleton; an incident that Ruby still didn’t understand. Across the front of the door was a bronze plaque with the Professor’s name emblazoned across in cursive script.
Professor Caramel.
Ruby threw open the door and braced herself for the worst.
The room was stuffed full of half opened cabinets, and overflowing bookshelves. Every possible surface was stacked high with books, antiques, and manilla folders. The walls were pasted over with manuscripts, maps, and charts of all kinds. It made the room feel cramped despite the small dingy window on the opposite wall.
The only clear area in the room was a large ornate desk close to the door piled with neat stacks of papers and a burning oil lantern.
Standing behind the desk was Caramel. The yellow earth pony was reading over a document on his desk. His perfectly coiffed brown mane was dusty - a side effect of being in the Archeology department for extended periods of time - and Ruby could barely make out his cutie mark of three blue horseshoes. His stern expression was lit up by his ever present glowing charm necklace.
Ruby scowled at the necklace. Caramel claimed it gave him good luck, but Ruby just thought it ruined his sophisticated look with its tackiness.
Despite her presence, Caramel continued to pour over the document in front of him. No doubt he was purposely ignoring her to make her stress more about the impending scolding. Well, too bad for him as she was already getting ready to grovel.
“I am so sorry, Professor,” Always a good lead to a nice heartfelt ‘please-don’t-fire-me’ speech, “I know the upcoming presentation on Cutlery Through the Ages is important, but I lost track of time while reviewing my notes on technological advances of Persians in Saddle Arabia during the reign of the two sisters.”
Ruby waited for a response to admonish her on making excuses, but was only met with silence.
It was worse than she thought. If he was still quiet, that meant he was absolutely furious with her. She began to run through the worst possible scenarios. He could berate her with a lecture on tardiness, he could revoke her scholarship and worker placement thus forcing herself onto the streets, or even worse.
He could frown very disapprovingly.
Ruby sank to her knees and wrang her hooves together, “I didn’t mean to, Professor. Really! I can do better. I will do better. I’ll even do the whole presentation for you. Tartarus, I’ll even arrive early from now on.”
Silence continued to reverberate through the room. Ruby broke into a cold sweat as she squirmed beneath the resolute gaze of the Professor.
This was worse than when she had spilled an entire pot of coffee on Professor Caramel’s personal dissertation on the Rosetta Code that he had been so proud of.
It was time for the last resort.
Begging.
“Please, oh please, don’t revoke my scholarship,” Ruby threw herself to the ground and thrust her body onto the floor to be in the best position to beg for her future, “Do you know how hard it is to get a sponsorship for Archeology in the Canterlot Archives? Especially after the purple-menace-who-shall-not-be-named ruined the entire department by being too organized?” Ruby squeezed her eyes shut to stop the sudden welling up of tears, “I would never get another chance like this again. I have to do this. I was born to do this. My butt even agrees with me!”
Not entirely true, of course, since a clock with a scroll could mean many different things.
After another long bout of silence, Ruby dared to open her eyes to see the Professor’s expression.
He was standing in front of her with wide starry eyes and a huge stupid grin on his face.
Ruby felt her jaw drop open in mute horror.
That jerk was enjoying this.
“My dear assistant, I have the most stupendous news,” Caramel hopped in spot with giddy excitement.
“How could you?!” Ruby exclaimed.
Caramel abruptly stopped and slowly blinked at her, “...What?”
“How could firing me be the most stupendous news?” Ruby cried.
Caramel furrowed his brow in confusion which was shortly followed by a facehoof of understanding, “Oh for the love of finely brewed tea, Ruby, why must we go through this every time you are late?” Caramel donned a stern expression, “I’m not going to fire you. The only reason you’re tardy is because you read too much. If I scolded you for that, it would make me both a hypocrite and a fool for stopping you in your pursuit of learning.”
Ruby sniffled as she shuffled her hooves, “So, I’m still your dear assistant?”
Caramel sighed in exasperation, “For the hundredth time, yes.”
“Okay then, Professor,” Ruby wiped away her stray tears that she certainly had not faked, “So what is this stupendous news?”
Caramel leaned in close to Ruby as his starry eyed expression returned, “Why, the discovery of a lifetime, my dear assistant. A colleague of mine has just given me the location for the Fortress of Talacon.”
Ruby felt excitement bubble up inside of her. The Fortress of Talacon! The most sought after cultural site by Equestrian scholars. The only remaining chance for the modern era to learn of the ancient Mayan Llamas.
Stupendous didn’t even begin to describe it.
Despite knowing her Professor’s response, Ruby felt a need to ask anyways, “What about the presentation, Professor?”
“Oh, what, Cutlery Through the Ages?” Caramel snorted, “Bollocks the presentation; I only got saddled with that silly thing because Antique is a lazy good-for-nothing pony that couldn’t be bothered to prepare his own class notes,” Caramel barked out a short burst of laughter, “Well, joke’s on him; I could care less about that ridiculous presentation - he can fend for himself. We have important work to do.”
Caramel grabbed a pair of saddlebags emblazoned with his cutie mark “Now come along, my dear assistant. Adventure awaits us!”
Ruby felt giddy from excitement as she gave a mock salute, “Yes, Professor!”
Ruby was still giddy with excitement over the possibilities of studying the lost Fortress of Talacon. The Fortress must have a wealth of knowledge just waiting to be discovered. She could hardly wait for them to arrive.
Seriously, though, she couldn’t. This caravan was unpleasant.
It was a simple, magically operated canvas wagon travelling along the most boring, most uninteresting landscape in Equestria: the Badlands; an open expanse of cracked dried earth and nothing else.
“Why are we travelling through the Badlands by caravan, Professor?” Ruby scowled, “Wouldn’t travelling be much better and faster if we had taken a Pegasus carriage?”
Caramel, who was scribbling down notes in a worn out journal, replied, “It would, however, there is a very important reason why we can’t,” Caramel finished writing down the last of his thoughts and slammed the book shut, “We’re broke.”
“No, we’re not,” Ruby frowned, “I saw the account this morning. We just received our yearly funding and there are thousands of bits on the register.”
“Yes, our yearly funding that we just received,” Caramel stressed, “Do you know how much a Pegasus carriage travelling from Canterlot to the bloody Jungle costs? I would rather not blow well over a third of our budget on travelling a distance that could just as easily be traversed by other much cheaper means.”
“Bits are paltry in the face of new cultural discovery,” Ruby replied petulantly as she crossed her hooves in front of her.
Caramel frowned, “As much as I agree with the sentiment, I would prefer to have the bits on hoof in case of future expeditions. I would hate to blow our entire budget early in the year and miss out on a chance for new discoveries,” Caramel narrowed his eyes in a disapproving fashion, “Also, petulant foal throwing a tantrum is not a flattering look for you.”
Before Ruby could begrudgingly agree with the Professor - despite the bratty part of her brain insisting that they were entitled to better transportation - and object to his untruthful observation of her justified tantrum, the driver interrupted them.
“Sir and Madam!” The unicorn driver exclaimed in a thick accent that made it hard to understand anything he said as he poked his head through the canvas flaps, “A worm is blocking our path.”
“A worm?” Caramel rolled his eyes, “Oh, please, worms are hardly cause for concern.”
“B-but, SIr!” The driver furrowed his brow in worry, “It’s enormous.”
Caramel rolled his eyes, “I’ll be the judge of that. Stand aside.”
The driver withdrew as Caramel and Ruby trotted to the front of the wagon.
Ruby was immediately fascinated by the magic crystal attached to the front of the wagon. It was attached to a metal steering wheel with two pedals that propelled the wagon forward. It was a marvel of pony ingenuity that had been heavily invested in by Princess Celestia once ponies began settling in the more rough and tumble areas of Equestria.
There was also a hundred foot tall worm screeching at them with a mouth full of razor sharp teeth.
That was a more immediate concern Ruby supposed, but she really couldn’t help but admire the genius of the crystal construct. In her opinion, it was vastly better than a Badlands Worm.
“Enormous?” Caramel snorted, “You call that enormous? Why, I’ve seen far bigger than this-” Caramel squinted his eyes at the hulking monstrosity, “Tiny thing.”
The driver, a mauve unicorn dressed in several layers of cloth, exclaimed, “I’m sorry, Sir, but regardless of your thoughts on the matter, we simply must turn back before that monster devours us.”
Caramel looked at the driver in disgust, “You can’t maneuver past a worm?” Caramel shook his head, “And you call yourself a driver. Move over and let me show you how it’s done.”
Without waiting for a response, Caramel pushed the driver aside and settled himself into the driver’s seat.
The Professor jammed his hoof into the forward pedal and the wagon lurched into high gear as it sped closer to the worm.
Ruby yawned as Caramel calmly twisted the wheel to the right and began to swerve around the beast. She was used to the Professor's shenanigans by now and had long gotten over being impressed.
The worm, finding the wagon looked rather appetizing, decided at that moment to swing its tail at them.
Caramel, without batting an eye, jerked the wheel further right until the caravan was parallel to the tail and throttled hard on the forward pedal causing the wagon to lunge forward and avoid the worm’s tail.
The worm, frustrated at not catching its meal, shrieked louder and lunged at the caravan from above.
As a dark shadow encompassed the group, Caramel allowed the wagon to come to a stop. He began to throttle the forward pedal as he held the brake in place.
“What are you doing?” The driver screamed.
“Saving us,” Caramel grunted in annoyance, “Now hush up, you third rate wagon driver, I need to focus.”
The driver start sobbing and hid himself back in the wagon.
The propulsion crystal pulsed brighter and brighter as Caramel continued to throttle the pedal.
The shadow covering them grew larger as the worm arced through the air toward them.
Just before the worm could arrive at its tasty destination, Caramel released the brake pedal. The wagon propelled itself forward with a bright burst of light from the crystal and at a speed unmatched by even the fastest of pegasi.
A torrent of sand chased after the group as they sped away and the worm buried itself into the ground.
Once they were well out of range from the worm, Caramel hit the brakes and forced the wagon to a stop.
Caramel turned towards the driver, who had decided to peek out from inside the caravan. His expression was a mix of reverence and fear.
“Now, if you could be so kind,” Caramel said in a falsely sweet voice, “Move your flanks into the driver seat and drive.”
“Ruby, my dearest assistant,” Caramel chided, “You need to chop through the undergrowth, not hack.”
Ruby glared at the Professor, “Who has the machete?”
Caramel sighed, “You do.”
“And who, pray tell, forgot to bring their own machete despite knowing they were travelling to a jungle?”
Caramel hung his head and growled, “I did.”
“So, as the only pony who thought to bring one, I can decide how best to get through these Celestia forsaken vines,” Ruby snarled as she hacked at the vines once more.
It was annoyingly ineffective.
She knew Caramel was probably facehooving in exasperation behind her, but she didn’t care. Even if she had never been to the jungle, Ruby was smart and capable and independent and why aren’t these stupid vines cutting?
She had been enamored by the idea of jungles. It was a common setting for adventure books, and she always thought the thick overhanging dense undergrowth had a sense of mystery and discovery attached to it.
She was correct on one part. She did feel a sense of wonder in exploration and uncovering long lost secrets. The only thing that changed is that she now believed the best way to uncover them would be excessive logging and copious amounts of arson.
Seriously, she was half tempted to take the vines she was cutting back with her to make saddlebags out of some morbid need for vengeance.
“Fine, Ruby. Be stubborn,” Caramel said in a disappointed tone of voice, “But please be careful. This place isn’t like the forests of Equestria. It’s wild in all the meanings of the word and its associated dangers.”
“Oh, please, Professor,” Ruby glared at the offensive vines in front of her that refused to yield before her machete’s might, “It’s just a forest. Nothing serious will happen.”
“That mentality is going to get you hurt or worse,” Caramel stated sternly, “Even if you won’t let me help you, at least slow down and pay attention to your surroundings.”
Instead of replying, Ruby tried hacking at the undergrowth again. Once more it refused to give, and it was beginning to frustrate her. The stupid vines weren’t cutting, and she didn’t want to ask for the Professor’s help. Mainly because she was being petty and didn’t want to admit she was wrong.
She lifted her machete to try hacking at the vines again, but was interrupted by the Professor shouting behind her.
“Ruby, watch out!”
Ruby turned to give Caramel a piece of her mind about letting her be, but was instead met with the face of a yellow python.
Her eyes widened as the snake lunged at her, fangs outstretched.
She was going to die.
And it was all because she was too stubborn to ask for help.
Thunk.
Ruby took a deep breath. The python was now imbedded with a knife through its eye on a nearby tree trunk. Its body went limp and dropped from the branch it had been resting on.
Shaking, Ruby turned to see Caramel glaring in the direction of the snake with an outstretched hoof. She vaguely noted that his necklace seemed to have stopped glowing.
Caramel turned to her, “I understand your impatience. I know you're both frustrated with our progress, and excited to reach the Fortress of Talacon, but this is not the place to be acting like a foal,” Caramel shouted before softening his expression with worry, “Are you alright?”
Ruby nodded as she sniffled. Caramel trotted over and gently pulled the machete away from her. He gave her a quick hug to comfort her and turned back to the vines from before.
“Now, let me teach you how to properly cut these vines,” Caramel grinned, “Or we’re never getting to the Fortress.”
Caramel and Ruby stumbled out of the jungle having finally escaped the undergrowth. Both took a moment to catch their breath, and then took in their surroundings.
They were on a high grassy bluff with a set of stone stairs going down one side, next to a long stone tablet inscribed with what the pair recognized as ancient Mayan scripture.
Their main point of interest was the valley it overlooked. In the distance was a tall pyramid structure with tiered steps made of stone. Despite being surrounded by jungle, both the valley and the structure were untouched by vegetation.
They had finally reached the Fortress of Talacon.
Ruby wiped away a tear that had fallen due to its sheer magnificence, “It’s beautiful, Professor.”
Caramel sighed dreamily, “Yes it is, my dear assistant.”
“Are we going to go there today?” Ruby inquired.
“No, we’ve travelled quite a ways already; better to rest and be wide awake for tomorrow,” Caramel turned to look at the nearby tablet, “Besides, I want to practice my ancient Mayan before heading down.”
Ruby also took notice of the tablet and grinned, “I concur, Professor. Shall we?”
With no more preamble, the two scholars took out there notebooks and set about transcribing the ancient writing.
After two full notebooks and the sun having long since begun to sink behind the horizon, both ponies set up camp and settled around their hastily thrown together campfire. They began to translate and study their findings over several bags of trail mix.
“Professor, this is fascinating,” Ruby’s eyes positively glittered with joy, “These are, in fact, the writings of the ancient Mayan Llamas. I would never have even recognized if not for the slim findings over the years from other archeologists. Nowhere has as much raw information as is present in just this one tablet.”
“Indeed, my dear assistant,” Caramel said in equal awe, “It’s a miracle that they are as preserved as they are.”
“Yes, and I just seemed to have reached a passage on their old rituals,” Ruby all but squeed at the prospect, “Right here it goes into details about-”
Noticing that his assistant had stopped, Caramel looked up and noticed Ruby’s strained smile looking back at him.
“What’s wrong, Ruby?” Caramel asked with concern.
“Professor,” Ruby started in a pitch higher than her normal voice, “Who gave you this information?”
“Dr. Caballeron,” Caramel answered, “He uses, shall we say, dirty methods to acquire his information, but it’s always been accurate,” Caramel tilted his head trying to puzzle out why Ruby would ask, “I don’t see how that’s relevant to our current circumstance.”
“Is this not the same Dr. Caballeron who is continuously in contact with you know who?” Ruby asked sweetly.
Caramel felt a feeling of dread creep into his gut, “Yes, but why does that have any bearing on our present situation?”
“The Mayans had an ancient artifact,” Ruby stated in a defeated tone.
Caramel’s eyes widened in horror.
“A doomsday one.”
“No, I refuse,” Caramel stomped his hoof on the ground in protest, “We found this place first, she couldn’t possibly be here.”
“It’s her calling card, Professor,” Ruby sighed.
“No, no, no, no, no,” Caramel snorted, “It’s the last standing structure of its kind. It’s hidden away. My luck has been good these past few days. I haven’t used it-”
Caramel stopped as he stared at Ruby.
“Oh no,” Caramel groaned, “The python.”
Ruby frowned in puzzlement, “Professor, what does the python have to do with-”
She was stopped by a sudden rumbling. Both ponies turned to watch in mute horror as the Fortress of Talacon, the last remnant of an ancient culture, collapsed in on itself in a dust cloud of rubble and ruin.
Both Caramel and Ruby noted several ponies running out of the building and a muffled curse echoed through the valley after them.
One of them was wearing a familiar pith helmet.
“She destroyed another one, Professor,” Ruby said sadly.
Caramel was silent.
“That’s the fifth one in as many months.”
Caramel dropped to his knees.
“This might actually be a record since we didn’t even get close to the temple before she blew it up.”
Caramel raised his front hooves into the air, and, mustering as much rage and hate as he could, bellowed into the valley and the uncaring jungle beyond.
“CURSE YOU, DARING DO!”
