Author's Note
I don't know where this came from but it was fun.
Just roll with it.
“Ok, everypo-everyone,” Spike said with a sideways glance at Discord, “The dragon uses its breath weapon. Roll to dodge.”
There was a clatter of dice and some general grumbles around the table.
“13,” Shining admitted woefully.
“20,” said Big Mac.
“Whoa, natural?” asked Spike, leaning over his GM’s shield.
“No, total.”
“Oh.”
“I’m immune to fire,” said Schadenfreude.
The entire table turned to look at him all at once. “You,” said Shining, “Are not. Immune. To fire.”
“Yeah-huh,” argued Schaden.
Spike held out a claw. “Lemme see that.” Schaden hoofed over his character sheet, and their GM read it for a careful second. “Yup, it checks out. Immune to fire.”
“Wha-how?!” Armor demanded.
“Undercarriage’s Undulating Underroos,” Schaden replied.
Discord, who up to that point had been doing his best to put off saying he’d rolled a one, fell over laughing. “Oh, my word! And you ponies thought I was crazy! Who came up with that?!”
Shining shook his head. “No. No way. There is no such thing as… that thing you just said.”
Schadenfreude shrugged. “Hey, it’s not my fault you don’t read the supplements. I bring them every other week.”
Spike nodded, and pulled a book out from under the Cutie Map, which they were shamelessly using as their gaming table. “It’s true. Great Big Book of Useful Uselessness. Magic Items section.” He flipped through the pages, then read a particular entry aloud. “Undercarriage’s Undulating Underroos. Unique Magic Item. Once per day the wearer may choose an element. Until his decision is changed, he is immune to all damage or magical effect caused by a spell/spell-like ability/supernatural ability/elemental attack with the chosen element descriptor. This item cannot be removed by anything less than a Greater Wish spell, and the wearer’s voice, singing or otherwise, is permanently raised to High Alto until removed.”
“Wait, they’re cursed?” Big Mac asked.
Spike read a little longer, then flinched. “No.”
The rest of the table cringed. Even Shining gave in. “Ok, ok. So he’s immune to fire. Cool. How much damage do the rest of us take?”
Spike shrugged and pulled out a disturbingly large pile of six-sided dice. “Lessee,” he said, as they clattered about the table. “35. Big Mac takes half.”
“Actually, everyone takes half, Big Mac takes no damage,” Schaden pointed out.
Discord raised an eyebrow. “Ok, not that I’m not thankful, but how?”
Schaden held out his hoof as Spike handed back his character sheet. “Panicked Presence Polka, remember? I cast it at the start of the fight. As long as we’re within range of any of his attacks, we’re all treated as if we have one level of Evasion higher than our base.”
The boys nodded, somewhat grateful. “And, um, if we roll a one?” Discord asked offhandedly, neither confirming nor denying the presence of a great big “1” on his oversized twenty-sided. In fact, the only reason they let him use that die was because of the giant stone table they were playing on.
Again, the table cringed. Except for Spike. He smiled mischievously, and rolled another die. “Roll another Reflex save.”
Clatter. “Um, seven?”
“Ooh. Not only do you dodge in the wrong direction and land in the middle of the breath weapon, taking full damage, but your leg gets caught in the dragon’s mouth when he closes it again,” Spike said, trying his best not to look happy about it.
“Wonderful. Remind me why I agreed to play this game again?” Discord growled.
“Cause Fluttershy told you to,” Spike reminded him. “Also because you had fun last time and you know it. Now take an additional...” he paused as he rolled more dice, “two damage.”
“Wonderful, I’m at 5. Anyone have any bright ideas?”
Schaden rubbed his chin for a moment. “Is it my turn next?”
Spike nodded. “You’re at the top of the initiative order, so yes.”
“I cast Discord’s Disgusting Diet Doozy on, well, Discord.”
Spike raised an eyebrow. “You sure about that?”
“Yeah-huh.”
“Ok. Dragon rolls to save-”
“Actually it’s Discord’s character who gets the saving through, he’s the target. Dizzy, you want to roll to save?” Schaden asked.
Discord eyed him warily. “Will this get me out of the dragon’s mouth?”
“At speed.”
“Oh good. No, I let it happen, then.”
Spike pulled out another book and read the spell entry carefully. “Oh, yeah. To everyone else it’s just… ok. Discord chooses not to resist the spell, so it goes off. The dragon’s mouth is filled with the most gangrenous, horrid taste in all of the Nine Kingdoms-”
“Eight,” Big Mac corrected. “You blew one up.”
“Man, nobody liked Trashcanistan anyway,” Shining said dismissively.
“Oh, yeah,” Spike chuckled. “Ok, Eight Kingdoms. He spits Discord out onto the floor. Make a Reflex save vs. fall damage.”
Discord smiled. “I have a featherfall amulet, remember?”
“You know, I always wondered why you bought that thing,” Shining mused. “We’re at sea level like, 90% of the time.”
“Oh, I fully intended to slip it onto one of you as we slept and throw you off a cliff just to freak you out,” Discord admitted.
“Eeeenope,” Big Mac said simply.
“Right, anyways,” Spike interjected, re-focusing their attention, “Discord lands on the ground, unharmed-”
“A-HEM,” Discord said loudly, pointing at the pitiful little 5 in his HP box.
“From the fall. It is Shiny’s turn.”
“Actually...” Schaden said slowly.
“Oh my god WHAT,” Spike demanded.
“Diet Doozy is a cantrip, which I can cast as a sudden action. I still have a full round left,” Schaden explained.
“Oh, my god. Freakin BARDS, man,” Shining whined.
“So, I throw Lilypond’s Lizard Likeness at the dragon.”
“...no.” Spike said firmly.
“Yes.”
“No. Nuh-uh. No way you can afford both the Underroos, AND the Likeness-”
“Tarasque Burger.”
“...oh, FORK you.”
Discord looked between the two while Shining’s head slumped onto the table as he waited for his turn. “What are they talking about.”
Shining rolled his gaze to Discord and explained, while Schaden was arguing with his DM, “Well, we found the Tarasque like, two months ago. It was asleep. So Schaden had the idea of buying Myrtle’s Spoon, you know that thing that produces an infinite amount of food that always tastes like wet cardboard? Yeah, he got one of those, and sewed it upside-down into the roof of the Tarasque’s mouth. Since the thing only wakes up when it’s hungry, and it automatically eats in it’s sleep, this meant it would never wake up ever again. Then he found out that you had to do at least one hundred damage to it to wake it early. So he started chopping off pieces of it’s tail, which only does like, fifty damage, and turn it into burgers. So basically he owns the only fast-food joint in the world now. That’s where his hireling went. Then he hired a bunch more guys. Remember that timeskip that Spike told you about? The one that let you show up as a 7th level character instead of first? Yeah, he was making money literally that entire time.”
“-and accounting for expansions and multiple locations via Everfree’s Free-flying Delivery spell, I’m now worth...” Schaden trailed off as he did some math, and then said a really obscene number. “Yeah, that.”
Spike looked like someone had hit him with a frying pan. “Ok, but that’s still all only savings. You literally can’t carry that entire amount of gold on you at once, it would actually crush you!”
“No, just ten percent of it. This number,” he pointed to a smaller, yet still ridiculous for an 8th level bard, amount of money, “Is how much I have on hoof. Which is, if memory serves, just below that limit you set at the start of the game of how much money we could carry before we had to worry about weight.”
“Because I never thought you’d MAKE that much!”
“Yeah… this is why you don’t let someone who’s basically a personal accountant play a BARD,” Schaden pointed out.
Shining raised a hoof. “Shouldn’t we all get a cut of that? I mean, we all worked at the restaurant.”
“Nope,” Big Mac pointed out. “You got fired on the first day.”
“I didn’t know you could crit fail serving someone their food!” Shining argued.
“Dude,” Schaden said. “You killed the king’s ex-wife. That entire province now knows you as the Royal Baggage Handler. But yeah, Big Mac has like...” he trailed off again, doing some math. “That much of it.”
“Eeeeyup.”
“Ok, fine. FINE. Throw your damn lizard statue thing. Roll to hit.”
Schaden rolled his twenty-sided die. Then smiled. Spike looked at it. Then at Schaden. Then at the die again. “Nope. I’m done. We’re done. See you all next week!”
Shining and Big Mac raised an eyebrow, then whistled at the natural 20 Schaden rolled. “Um, Spike,” Shining asked, “What about the fight?”
“NEXT. WEEK.”
Discord shook his head. “Freakin Bards, man.”
