Pleasuring Techniques and Other Weird-Ass Stories

by Regidar

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Random, Sex
Length: 8326

A collection of short stories.

A collection of short stories that I write to keep myself from going crazy. It shall be updated regularly.

Published 2012-07-31 05:24:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-05 09:15:09 UTC

Humans Exist

Lyra was working down in the anthropology department, studying a leaf, when suddenly, it all made sense.

“I’ve done it!” she screamed, laughing and prancing about her office. Then the horror of the situation hit her. “I must warn the others!” A goofy grin spread across her face. “IN SONG!”

Bon-Bon was eating some Frosted Flakes when suddenly Lyra kicked down the door. “What the-”

THIS SONG HERE IS WHAT YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO WHILE LYRA SINGS

“Hey Bon-Bon, there’s something in the backroom...”

Bon-Bon facehoofed. “Oh no, she’s singing again...”

“Hope it’s not those creatures from above...”

“We’ve been through this...”

“I used to tell you stories, but you thought they were boring, you think my conspiracies are dumb...”

Bon-Bon grabbed a fork and walked over to the toaster.

Lyra pranced outside, as Colgate just happened to be walking by. “What if ponies knew humans were real?” Colgate looked uncomfortable, and backed away slowly.

Lyra grabbed Colgate by the cheeks and got real close, and sang “I’d laugh and say ‘I told you so...’” Colgate silently began to cry.

Lyra jumped up into a trashcan and sang upon the crowd of bewildered ponies “But I know that Celestia would say ‘What Lyra says is all hearsay’ I wish somepony would tell me I was right..”

Carrot Top and Derpy glanced at each other, unsure of what to think. Lyra continued on to the chorus.

“Up all night long, And I know there's something wrong... They think I'm crazy... They don't understand my theory... I'm not like you guys, I'm not like you...”

“Yeah, I think we all figured that out!” yelled a random background pony.

“I once sat like a human... to prove a point to all you guys. I gave a demonstration, to let you know of the invasion, the humans won’t stop until every one of us dies.” The ponies started to become uncomfortable with Lyra’s song. She repeated the chorus again, then continued with the next verse.

“Killers, silent, evil, viloint, I’ll be hiding, while you’re fighting, Homo Sapian.”

Bon-Bon walked out of the house, her hair in an afro and the faint smell of ozone on her. Colgate slid over to her and asked “Is she always like this?”

Bon-Bon sighed and pulled up a cigarette. “Pretty much.”

Another chorus, and Lyra’s song was over. “Thank you, thank you! I’d like you all to thanks the writer of these, lyrics, Elijah!” A chained up fourteen year old lay next to her.

“Can I leave now?”

“Shut up, slave.” Lyra whipped Elijah to keep him quiet.

Colgate shook her head. “Why do you put up with her, Bon-Bon?”

“She’s great in bed.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, like, astounding. It makes me able to put up with...” Bon-Bon looked over at Lyra whipping Elijah as he wrote down something on a leaf “...That.”

The Mare in the Window

Regidar yawned and walked over to his bed, which was situated right underneath a large window so the sun shone in his eyes every morning as a very annoying alarm clock to save his mother the trouble of throwing things at him.

"Well, time to get to sleep!" Regidar fell on the bed, not bothering with a blanket as it was a warm night. His legs were wide open as he started to drift off to sleep.

A small thud resonated from outside, and a tiny scraping noise could be heard if one listened closely and was not asleep. A silhouette of a figure appeared in the window, and soon an odd slopping noise was clearly audible.

Regidar opened his eyes slowly, awakened from the sound. "Hello?"

"Ah, sh-"

"Twilight?"

The purple mare froze. "Uh, yeah, you caught me. Um, how's it going?"

"What are you doing outside my window at eleven o'clock at night?"

"Um, I was... painting the side of your house!"

Regidar gave the unicorn a look. "Really now."

"Um, yep! I'm almost done... just open your legs a bit more..."

"You were clopping, weren't you?"

Twilight started to sweat. "As a matter of fact, I was NOT clo- YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Twilight thrust herself off the ladder into the bushes then sprinted away.

Regidar sighed, and closed his curtains. "I really need to move to a different town."

Luna's New Tunes

Rainbow Dash was sleeping peacefully when Pinkie Pie smashed her way violently through her wall in her flying machine.

"AH! Pinkie, you nearly gave me a heart attack!"

Pinkie Pie grinned. "Sorry! I just wanted to see if you were up for a bit of pranking!"

Rainbow Dash brushed the sleep out of her eyes, and smiled. "What kind of question is that? Of course I'm up for some pranking! But, first, you smashing your way violently through the wall has reminded me of something! So the other day, Twilight was telling me about Luna..."

***

"Tia! Come quick! The DJ-Pon3 hath made thee a remix of That Song!"

Celestia gave her younger sister a look. "...What song?"

"You know, the one that with the human rhyming incoherently!"

Celestia blinked, then said "Smells Like Teen Spirit? How did you get into my secret music stash?"

"Honestly, Tia, next time don't disguise it as a box of Old Letters from Twilight Sparkle, almost everypony knows that you throw those out once you get them." Celestia frowned.

"So, what did you do with the song?"

"I had the DJ remix it for thee! Thou dost know how I enjoy the gaming in 8-bits, correct?"

Celestia nodded.

"Well, listen to thine divine melodies!"

Suddenly, wonderful music began to play.

Celestia felt her jaw drop. Had the DJ pony really made this? It was... brilliant! It had taken one of her favorite songs, and, well, made it almost better! Nothing beats an original, of course, but this... this was amazing! Celestia had never been one for 8-bit gaming, her sister had enjoyed it more, before she had progressed into more advanced games, but this... this was amazing!

"I must show this to thine friends in Ponyville!" Luna took flight with the sound bite.

***

"Wait wait wait... is this about the other day?" Pinkie asked, and Rainbow Dash nodded. "I was there! In fact, we all were, except you. What were you doing?"

Rainbow Dash's eyes glazed over as she reminised.

Ooh, that's good!

I'm glad I got to meet you-ahh- up close and personal, Spitfire!

Anything my- ee! Faithful fan! Aahh...

Mmm! OOh, you taste good!

"Hello? Equestria to Rainbow Dash! You there?" Rainbow Dash snappe doubt of her trance to see an agitated Pinkie Pie staring at her. "So what were you doing?"

"Um, nothing! Anyway, let me go on with the story!"

"Wait, I know what happened! I'll tell you!"

"But so do I, it doesn't seem like there's any point in-"

***

Princess Luna descended upon the Ponyville Town Square. "HEAR ME, CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE! I COME BEARING EPIC TUNES! LISTEN, AND BE AMAZED!"

Pinkie Pie leaped out from behind a bench. "Ooh! What song is it?"

"It is an 8-bit remix of Nirvana's Timeless Classic, Smells Like Teen Spirit!" Luna told the pink party pony.

Pinkie Pie made a face. "Ew, Nirvana! They're super duper depressing! Always moaning on about something. I don't like their sound at all. Well, bye Luna! Hope you have fun!" Pinkie Pie bounced away.

"Did I hear somepony say 'Nirvana?'" Lyra Heartstrings trotted out into the town square. "I love them! They are an essential part of human studies!" Luna began to play the song.

Most ponies who gathered around enjoyed the song immensely. Others found it not to their tastes, and left. However, the biggest surprise was at the end, when Rarity came over, and crushed the tape.

"Thine tunes!" Luna screamed, and Rarity walked away with her head held high.

"That's what you get for butchering one of my favorite songs!"

Everypony stared after Rarity. Twilight Sparkle was the first to break the silence.

"Well that was unexpected."

Never Loose a Bet

I ran into my room. Slamming and locking the door behind me, and rushed to the computer.

"TIME FOR CLOPFIC!" I yelled, alerting everyone to my odd masterbation habbits.

I immediately went on to (insert website here) for the ultimate clopfic experience.

I started with a nice pic of Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle kissing.

"Aw yeah, that's hot..." I said, focusing in on Dashie's sexy hair, "I just love how hot that Rainbow Dash is."

"I'm glad you think so," came an all too familiar voice.

I nearly fell out of my chair.

"HOLY EQUESTRIA! RAINBOW DASH?" I shouted very loudly.

"In the flesh," Rainbow Dash said, sitting there in all her sexy glory. My brain nearly exploded from joy.

"OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!" I squealed, "I have so much to ask you! Is Fluttershy as soft as they say? Does Pinkie Pie smell like cotton candy? Is Derpy as awesome as she looks? What does Applejack smell like? I bet it's-"

"Yes, yes, yes, and blueberries," Rainbow Dash said, rolling her eyes.

"Wait, blueberries? Why blueberries? That doesn't make any-"

"Look, can we just get this over with?" Rainbow Dash said, trotting over to me.

"Get what over with?" I said intelligently.
"Look, I lost a bet with Rarity, so now I have to-" Rainbow Dash closed her eyes and inhaled sharply, "Make out with a human."

"Wait," I said, staring into those gorgeous eyes, "You're gonna make out with me?"

"Yes, those were the terms of the bet I lost- are you alright?"

When I woke up, Rainbow Dash was on my computer, browsing around the internet.

"Wha? What happened?" I said, rubbing my head and looking over at the pegasus.

"Why the hell did Pinkie Pie kidnap me and make me into cupcakes?" Rainbow Dash asked. I looked up and saw that she was indeed reading cupcakes. "And also, what's with all these people shipping me with my friends? If you really must know, I'm in love with-"

"NO TIME! KISS ME, YOU SEXY RAINBOW HAIRED FLYING PONY YOU!" I jumped up and tackled her, viciously forcing my tongue into her muzzle.

Taken by surprize, Dashie's first reaction was to struggle, but after remembering the bet she had lost, submitted.

It was by far the best experience of my life.

After our make out session, Dashie left for Equestria, and I went on iBrony to brag about it with all my friends.

"Dudes, i just totally made out with Rainbow Dash!"

"AWESOME!"

"SWEET!"

"SUPER SEXY!"

"Am I the only one who doesn't believe he made out with a cartoon character?"

"LUCKY!"

"SO JEALOUS RIGHT NOW!"

"WHAT DID SHE TASTE LIKE?"

I glanced at the last comment. I thought back to our glorious moment of intimacy.

"Like skittles. She tasted like skittles.

--MEANWHILE IN EQUESTRIA--

"So, how did it go?" asked Rarity, barely containing her laughter.

"Err... it was... interesting..." Rainbow Dash said evasively, running over to the cabinet to grab some mouthwash.

"What did he taste like?"

Rainbow Dash thought for a bit.

"Like Cheetos and Ballz Energy Drink."

Why You Should Never Ignore Ponies

In loving memory of Regidar
November 29, 19??- June 6 2012

One morning, Regidar got up and checked his DA folder.

"HOLY SWEET CELESTIA! 1,001 SUBMISSIONS?"

Regidar nearly had a heart attack.

"Well, there's a delete all button, but I don't want to miss anything good! I'll just come back to it later."

And so, Regidar went out to go to his mediocre job working at McDonald's.

"I'm not gonna lie to myself, i just go work here to steal the pony toys from the Happy Meals," Regidar said to himself as he pulled up to his job.

Unfortunately, he was in for a disappointment, as McDonald's had stopped putting pony toys in their Happy Meals for almost two months now. Also, he was fired for not showing up to work for two months.

"Fine! I don't need your stupid job! I'll just rob a bank, or become a crack whore or something! And when you show up, I'll charge you extra!" Regidar yelled at his manager while stepping back into his car.

"That'll show him..." Regidar grumbled to himself while he turned the key in his ignition. The car wouldn't start.

"Oh, god damn it." Regidar got out of the car, and was hit by a runaway shopping cart.

Slowly dragging himself back into the car, he turned the key again. This time it worked.

Regidar swore, and drove away from the McDonald's.

Now jobless, Regidar drove back to his house. Even though it had only been 26 minutes, his inbox now read 9,005 Submissions.

Regidar's jaw dropped as he saw this. All the pony art was accumulating. And also some half-life and hunger games art, but he never paid attention to that anymore.

Suddenly, Vegeta showed up, holding his scouter. Regidar punched the Sayan in the face before anything memeish could happen.

"NO! 9,000 is not a special number!" Regidar shouted at the Sayan, and then kicked him tight in the Dragon Balls.

Regidar clicked the refresh button on his computer. The inbox now read 107,563 submissions.

"WHAT THE BUCK?!" Regidar screamed. The "bronies" group on Deviantart, which hosted 107,562 of the submissions in question, had changed their icon to feature a troll face.

"Ok, that might explain it," Regidar said, staring at the computer screen.

"Well, this is really stupid. One group has too much art for me to look at, and the other group never submits enough!" Regidar said, pointing out that the other group, My Little Bronies, had the same one submission from three weeks ago and no new ones. Regidar had himself submitted several to the group, but they hadn't been posted by it yet.

"Oh well, I can't possibly view all these deviations. I'm sorry, but they must be deleted."

Regidar took a deep breath, and slowly moved his cursor over to the little "x" at the top of the folder containing all of the submissions from "Bronies".

Regidar's finger slowly descended upon the mouse clicker thingy which he didn't know the name of, and clicked it.

The message "Are you sure you want to delete all of the submissions from 'bronies'?" appeared. Regidar gritted his teeth, and clicked "yes."

But right before that happened, a UFO broke through Regidar's roof.

"HOLY CRAP!" Regidar yelled, staring at the extraterrestrial spaceship "Jehovah's Witnesses are really getting desperate!"

"We're not Jehovah's Witnesses, you idiot!" A small, green alien said, getting out of the ship to smack the ignorant brony on the face.

"Ow, that hurt!" Regidar said, rubbing the smacked skin.

"It should, you ignorant oaf!" The alien walked over to Regidar's collection of Ponies which he had stolen form many a McDonald's Happy Meal. "No time to explain. We need these. The future of our race depends on it."

"Wait. You had time to smack me around for being stupid, but not enough time to explain why you're stealing my dolls?" Regidar asked inquiringly.

"Precisely." The Aliens took all of Regidar's plundered plastic ponies and departed, leaving Regidar with nothing but a pony-less room and a giant hole in his roof.

"Damn! It took me a while to gather all those ponies!" Regidar cursed.

"Good thing I still have you!" Regidar pulled out his Lyra Plushie which he had purchased on Ebay for 700 Dollars.

"I'm gonna have some fun with you!"

Suddenly the aliens came back.

"Oh, yeah, we need this too." The tractor beam came down, scooped Lyra out of Regidar's perverted hands, and the UFO blasted away.

"NOOOOO!" Regidar shouted in outrage, falling to his knees and sobbing.

Then, several Men in Black came up and flashed Regidar. Then they erased his memory.

"Well, I did have a good time at the circus, but that doesn't explain why there's a hole in the roof, or why all my pony paraphernalia is missing." Regidar tried to think, but it hurt his brain.

"OW! Oh well."

Regidar sat back down at the computer, and deleted all of the pony art.

Suddenly, wind blew through Regidar's house, and a vortex opened in his room. Slowly trotting out of the blue portal, came Regidar's personal idol.

Princess Celestia.

"OH MY CELESTIA IT'S CELESTIA!" Regidar said, nearly having his second heart attack of the day.

"Regidar, for not viewing all of the magnificent artwork of me submitted to 'Bronies', I sentence you to 1000 years on the moon!"

"Oh no!" Regidar said, shocked. But then he remember something.

"Well, if Luna could do it, how hard can it be?"

He found out just how hard when he died from lack of oxygen after being on the moon for 2 minutes.

"But... Luna... how?" Regidar choked with his last breaths.

Luna floated by with a fishbowl on her head, and a troll on her face.
"El Problemo, Regidar?" the Alicorn Princess said, smirking.

"GOD DAMN-"

And then Regidar expired, right next to Tom Cruise and Willzyx.

***

And that, kids is why you should never go swimming for at least forty-five minutes after eating.

If you learned a lesson in reading this, that would be really odd, as I did not write this with the intention of you learning one.

***

Wow... I was really high when I wrote this.

Dat Wonderful Shipfic

"Well, I have nothing to do, better write a ship fic!" Regidar said, and he sat down and wrote the most amazing ship fic ever.

"I shall need need to call you something magnificent, something... brilliant, but catchy," Regidar said once his masterpiece was completed.

"I know!" Regidar got an idea suddenly. He then entitle his story.

"The Incredibly Saucy and Controversial four way with Big Mac, Applejack, Princess Celestia, and Spike. *Warning: Contains Incest and Impregnation. MALE Impregnation. By the besterestest writer evah, Regidar*"

"It just rolls off the tongue!" Regidar said, putting down his quill.

Regidar then trotted off to go discuss the existence of humans with Lyra.

While he was out, a rogue gust of wind blew his story out of his window, and through Ponyville, eventually landing in the Cake's Bakery.

Pinkie Pie was climbing across the ceiling when she noticed the paper.

"Ooh! A story! I love stories!" she said, completely disregarding the time she read "cupcakes", which had made her swear she would never read again, and floated down to the paper.

After about ten seconds, she threw up.

"Holy Celestia, who would write such a horrible thing?"

Then Pinkie noticed the "By the besterestest writer evah, Regidar" part of the title.

"Why, that perverted little colt! I'll get him for this! But first...." An idea Pinkie had lodged itself into Pinkie Pie's brain. And it was a good one.

***

Rarity was minding her own business when suddenly, a giant leaf monster jumped out from behind a tree.

"AAAAH!" Rarity screamed and fell over. Pinkie Pie took of her leaf monster costume headpiece and started to roll on the ground, laughing her plot off.

"I got you good, Rarity!" Pinkie Pie then jumped out of her suit and landed next to Sweet Apple Acres, a good 3.5 kilometers away.

"Hey, Applejack, you doing anything?" Pinkie Pie yelled. Applejack walked out of the barn. "No, not really, whadya want?" the orange pony responded.

"Here, read this!" Pinkie Pie gave the earth pony opposite to her the story written by the extremely perverted colt who was mentioned earlier in the story.

Applejack's reactions were extremely amusing.

"What...."

"I don't..."

"How'd he know that me and...."

"Spike and Princess Celestia did WHAT?"

"OH mah, I'll never look at tea the same way!"

"How in hell did Big Mac get pregnant from me?"

"Well, what do you think?" Pinkie said, grinning.

"Who wrote this?" Applejack said, with a look of disgust on her face.

"Somepony named Regidar, I've seen him at the bakery a couple times, he hangs out with Lyra and Vinyl Scratch a lot," Pinkie Pie explained.

"Well, Ahm gonna kick his plot so hard, Ahm gonna make Princess Celestia envious with the moon-reaching capabilities it's gonna have!" Applejack said, storming off.

Pinkie Pie giggled, and ran off to find Big Macintosh.

Big Mac was sitting down, having tea with Fluttershy in Ponyville when Pinkie showed up.

"Here Big Mac, read this!"

Big Macintosh silently scrolled over story with his eyes. He seemed mostly unphased, until he got to the tea part.

It was rather unfortunate for Fluttershy to be sitting within spitting distance of Big Mac.

While Fluttershy ran off to towel hot tea from her face and upper body, Big Mac stared at the horrible monstrosity that we have called a "story".

"You're going to kill Regidar, aren't you?" Pinkie said, the grin sliding from her face.

"Eeyup."

***

Spike had just finished going to a "Foster the Pony" concert with Twilight, and was just stopping by Sugarcube Corner to get a snack when Pinkie Pie showed up.

"Hey Spike!"

"Oh, hey Pinkie!" Spike said.

"Here, read this!"

Spike picked up the story and read what no child his age should read.

"What the..."

"I would never do that to Applejack!"

"How would I even..."

"WITH PRINCESS CELESTIA?"

"Oh my... that is NOT what you should do with tea..."

"I can feel my innocence being sucked away..."

Spike stared blankly off into space. Pinkie Pie then slowly took the story from the poor dragon's hands, and then bounced away to Canterlot Castle.

***

"Well, Luna, that was... interesting," Celestia said, not sure of what to think of what just happened.

"Well, I did show you the dark side of my moon..." Luna said, grinning like a maniac.

"Please don't call it that," Celestia said, shuddering.

Luna left the throne room, and Celestia turned around to see Pinkie Pie staring down at her from the cieling.

"Oh, hello, Pinkie Pie!"

"Hi Princess! Here, read this!"

Princess Celestia took the story and read it while pouring herself a cup of tea.

"Um, I wouldn't..."

Too late.

Pinkie wiped tea and royal saliva off of her face.

"Who would write this?" Celestia demanded.

"Um... it was a pony named Regidar, princess."

"I SHALL DEAL WITH THIS AT ONCE!"

***

Regidar and Lyra were discussing human subculture when Applejack showed up.

"And they have a whole group called "bronies," dedicated to us! Isn't that just great-"

Applejack kicked down the door of Lyra's house.

"You sick little pervert!" she yelled at Regidar, then proceeded to buck him in the face.

"Oh my gosh, are you alright?" Lyra said, bending down to check or Regidar.

"How could she have possibly..." Regidar said, rubbing his face, two hoof marks over his eyes.

Then Big Mac showed up, and shoved an apple down Regidar's throat.

Lyra had to give Regidar the heimlich maneuver to dislodge the apple stuck in his throat.

"Seriously, what is this all about?"

Then, Spike came in and went up to Regidar, grabbed his neck, pulled him close, and said-

"That hurt. On the inside..."

Then he left.

"Ok, Regidar. Explain."

"Well... I kinda wrote a really saucy clopfic about Spike, Big Mac, Applejack and-"

Regidar's eyes widened.

"OH NO."

"What?"

Princess Celestia teleported into Lyra's house, and levitated Regidar over to the town square, where she tied him up and burnt him at the stake.

Twilight looked over at Pinkie Pie while Regidar died in horrible agony.

"Pinkie, if you knew this would happen, why did you tell everpony about the story?"

Pinkie's eyes slowly turned crazy.

"No reason."

MLP: Adventures

MLP: Adventures

Shadow blinked and opened his eyes. Pushing aside the covers, some vodka bottles, an empty cocaine packet, two vibrators and Sara’s cat fursuit head, he looked at his alarm clock.

5:30.

“Aw, jeez, there’s no way I should be up this early...” Shadow mumbled through his hangover headache.

He slowly tried to get up to avoid waking Sara, then had to bite his hand to keep from screaming as a jolt of pain shot through his body. He slowly looked down at his chest. Attached to his nipples were two jumper cables, which led down to a car battery.

“What the hell did we do last night?” Shadow questioned, not remembering much.

After much tiptoeing, shadow made it to the stairs. As he started going down, he noticed that the TV was on in the living room.

Shadow walked over to see that My Little Pony was playing. Looking over onto the couch, he saw Gabe staring at the screen. He had bags under his eyes, chips strew across the couch, an empty pizza box on his lap, a violated-looking raccoon sitting next to him, and a goofy grin on his face.

“Hi, Shadow! Come to watch the My Little Pony marathon with me?” Gabe asked cheerfully.

“No. Have you been here all night?” Shadow asked, wading through the vast sea of snack wrappers and soda bottles.

“Yup. Can’t miss a single second of MLP. It’s my duty as a brony,” Gabe said earnestly.

“Uh huh. Sure,” Shadow said skeptically.

“Hey, it’s a funny show!” Gabe rebutted.

“Sure...” Shadow said, not believing Gabe for a second.

“And... Pinkie Pie is... sexy...” Gabe mumbled.

“Ah HA!” Shadow yelled triumphantly.

“But Twilight Sparkle... Mm MM that is some fine pony ass!” Gabe said, reminiscing about some earlier episode.

“Um... ok...” Shadow said, visibly creeped out.

“But Applejack ain’t half bad either...” Gabe said fondly.

Wait for it... Ean thought to himself.

“Of course, Spike is the sexiest by far...”

“I KNEW IT!” Ean shouted very loudly.

Suddenly, a creak came from upstairs.

“Oh crap...” Ean whispered.

“Is that-?” Gabe asked.

Shadow nodded his head.

Suddenly, in a blur, Sara lept from the top of the stairs and tackled Shadow with cat-like grace, and said, “Ready for round six, big boy?”

“Um, I’m not sure if I-” Shadow began, right before Sara proceed to yiff him right then and there.

“Gabe! Save me!” Shadow cried out to his friend.

“Hey!” Gabe yelled angrily at Sara. Sara looked up.

“Take him to the basement. His screams are drowning out MLP,” Gabe said, dismissing them with a wave of his hand.

“You know what, Gabe? Fu-” The Door to the basement slammed before Shadow could finish his profanity.

“Ah, yes...” Gabe said, grabbing a Coca-Cola and turning the volume up on the TV.

Justin Beiber in Equestria

Through the magic of Science, everyone's favorite popstar somehow managed to get into Equestria.

Equestria, even though a very loving and tolerating place, with all manner of homosexual populating it and living in harmony with straight ponies, couldn't handle the pure unadulterated amounts of gay that was infused with Beiber's every molecule.

The whole universe imploded upon itself, killing everyone and everything.

The Plan to End All Plans

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom...

Regidar was planning his next move upon Discord’s everlasting rant. He continued to annoy Regidar, and ruined his plans for world domination. It was time to finish him off once-and-for-all. He was going to do something so vile... So wicked... That even Knighty might actually be excited.

He was going to make Discord become his waifu. Yes, indeed. His waifu. Indeed, this was improbable, but, it was going to work out. By allowing him to jerk off and spread his chaotic seed around the world of Equus, he must have Discord be his waifu. It was time to take action.

Regidar immediately started posting ‘I came’ on every story there was. Soon, Discord would take notice. And then, truly, it would be he who came.

Dawn Somewhere

IN LE FUTURE

"You know," Pound Cake told his sister. "I thought by now we would have different beds."

"Yeah, I always wondered about that. We have two beds..." Pumpkin Cake pointed out, gestering to the other bed on the far side of the room.

A greying yellow stallion poked his head in the room. "Did you two have an illicit incestious love affair that could garner our family media coverage and save our failing business yet?"

The two foal rolled their eye.

"No, dad," they chanted in unison.

"Drat!" Carrot Cake said with a pout. "Well, if you ever change your mind, I'll just leave these things here!" The stallion rushed about the room, lighting scented candles, dimming the lights to a suggestive level, and leaving roses all about. To top it off, he dropped a small pile of gags, riding crops, and dildos in the center of the room next to a bottle of lube and a copy of "Ponysutra". "You know, if you guys change your minds..."

Their father departed, leaving the two foals in a very awkward possession.

"Dang, the business must be going really bad if he wants us to get into a relationship to drum up some extra bits," Pound observed, blowing out the scented candle closest to him.

"Well, it's not going to work," Pumpkin said determinedly.

"Hey," she whispered to her brother.

"Yeah?"

"How do you stay so cheerful all the time?" Her voice held on to tones of sadness.

"Well, the way that I look at it, it's always dawn somewhere, right?" He smiled at his sister, which instilled a bit of hope into her heart.

The two foals turned their backs to each other, and prepared for sleep. They were soon inturnupted by a large black man kicking down their door.

"IT'S RAPIN' TIME!" He bellowed in his black man voice. The two foals screamed as the dark skinned invader held up a tube of vassalin.

Down below, Carrot Cake cackled canivingly. "Black Rapist Target's Cake Foals! This will hit the headlines for SURE!"

What Would You Have Me Do?

"You don't have to do this..." Celestia's voice was just above a whisper.

Twilight refused to look her in the eyes. "Yes, I do. I'm sorry, Princess, but this IS something I must do."

"But why?" The question was an armor piercing one. Twilight flinched slightly.

"Why?"

Celestia nodded ever so slightly. "Just tell me, Twilight. Why do you feel so inclined to do this?"

"Who else but me?" Twilight's voice was marred slightly as a knot began to form in her throat.

"I could do it..."

"You have a country to run," Twilight said as her eyes began to tear. "Nopony will miss me..."

"You have friends, a WHOLE TOWN who will miss you!"

Twilight's smile was sad as she mounted the office chair. "I'm sorry, Celestia."

"NO!"

Twilight turned to the camera and held up her chainsaw. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, and welcome to Jackass!" The box of kittens was totally unsuspecting as she fell down the skateboarding ramp on her office chair.

There were no survivors.

I

The last pony on Equus sat in a room. There was a knock on the door.

II

The last pony on Equus sat in a room. There was a lock on the door.

Reality Burns

You hang your raincoat up, sighing as you look at your mess of a living room. The sounds of sewing and frantic running from upstairs hit your ears. You allow yourself to smile, and take to the stairs to pop in on your guest.

The noises get louder as you head to your bedroom where your visitor is working as hard as she can. You notice the door is open just a crack, and you open it silently. Inside, the room is covered in cloths and clothing diagrams.

“Rarity, you wrecked my room!”

Rarity, the guest in question, turns her head to look over at you. “It’s not wrecked, darling, it’s called ‘organized chaos’!”

You don’t know where the white pastel pony had come from. You had been sitting down one evening when there had come a knocking on the door. The poor mare had been out in the rain, carrying her bags of cloth, asking for shelter. Naturally, you obliged, and decided to let her stay.

She had pleaded for you to get a sewing machine, offering to supply the money for it with her works, but you were happy to get it for her anyway. You loved having her around, it filled up the lonely house you lived in. She often gossiped with you about stories from her homeland of Equestria, also apparently filled with pastel ponies.

“Whatever it is, it’s cluttering my room up,” you tell her crossly. She gives you puppy eyes, and you soften a bit, smiling. “Ah, whatever. How was your day?”

Rarity’s eyes sparkle. “It was splendid! I’ve nearly completed the order the little lace a few blocks over asked for, so I can get started on the individual works shortly!” She lifted a marshmallow hoof to her forehead, smiling dreamily. “I cannot thank you enough for your hospitality!”

“Oh please,” you say with an embarrassed smile. “It was nothing!”

“But it’s not nothing!” She insists, staring at you with a look of sincere gratitude. “If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you, please, don’t hesitate to ask!”

You look her over, her curled purple tail swishing back and worth, her elegant mane hanging to the side of her face alluringly.

“Nah, it’s a pleasure just having you here!” You look over at the sewing machine. “I’m going to make dinner, alright?”

Rarity nods, and heads back to her work. You leave the room, humming to yourself as you do so.

And nothing sexual happened.

Author's Note

True Love Waits

Return of the King

"Here's your ice cream, Scootaloo!"

"Thank you, Mr. Ice Cream Pony!" Scootaloo said, tossing him a few bits.

The ice cream vendor frowned slightly. "I, um, do have a name, you know..."

Scootaloo's eyes turned into pits of doom and fire, the abysmal cries of a thousand tortured should being converted into banshees echoing in the background. "Y̹̱̬͕̬͓ͤͪ͗̀O̡͖͚̥̲̿́͠U̡͔̻͔͈̦̲̣͈ͥͯ̒̊̎ͪ̆͐̄ ͐ͧ̈͏҉͖̻̜̭̼͓A̸̹ͨ͗̍̅̊̀R̺͕̮̔ͣ̄̒͆ͭ̿ͬE̸̸̤͂̉̇̊̆̄ͫͧ ̴̨͚̰ͯ̃̓͆̅ͯ͂͜H̵̢̱̊ͦ̅̍̉ͧͧ̉ͅĀ̳͈̲̂̍̾̽V̟̜̲̗̅̆̚͜Ḙ̸̻̖͎̥̪͕̔͆̽ͪ͆ ́̏͂ͣ̕҉͎͎͔͈̰͡ͅN̨̩̖̟̳̣̿̚͘O̵͉̐͒ ̴̼̦̪̳͕͇ͪ̉̄̏̕͟Ǹ̷̘̻͚̟̫̾̆̇̑̿̇͞Aͬ̏̉̿̈̍҉̦̣͕̝̰̖͎̤͜M̤̖̟̼̺ͮͩ͌̍ͮ̍ͮ͠E̵̟̞̘̻̿̽͊ͣͧ͂͠!"
ͦ̌̌̒̑ͮ͏̹̟̗͚

"Y̭̩̞̮̠̱̣͒̈́O̶̸̰͎ͬǓ̢͍̻̿͋̐ͤ͌̊̆̀ ̸̧̳̭̳̮͚̰̪̬̔̌̔̈́̔A̸̰̫̍͆͒Ṙ̛̤͇̭͎̈́̀̂ͨ̀̆̚͡Ẹ̛̦̪̼͖̊͛ͦͤ̀ ̰̮̌̒ͥS̈͗͌͏̸̣̰̪̜̪̝͘I͉̝̠̯̭̣̬̪͐̊̒̇̆̚M̳͚̰̩̖̞ͫ͛P̷̢̱͑̓͊̉̋ͯ̀L̶͕̹͉̱͎̑͒͟͠Y͔̳̿̂̇ͩ̎̇ͥͦ͜͢ ̭̜̱̯̹ͣ͒͗͋ͧͤͭͦ̚͡T̖̣̫̦̐̌͗̒H̠͚̲̙̠͚̫ͦͪͩ̆Ȩ̼͖̙̱̙̮̘͗̏̆ͦ̌ͤ̽̾̀ ͩ͏̤̲̝̬̪Ĩ̬͇̼̼̱͓̌̒̄͞C̴̺͇͓͂ͩ̃̇̒̎̐E͔̤͙̩͍ͣ̏̃̂̿̐ ͍̿ͧ̆C̼̭̦̣̰͖̪̟ͤͫ̈́ͨ̐́̚R̢̤̟̠̤͇̿̍͊̚E̢͈̼̮͖̟͇͖͚̐̄ͯ̎͗͑͡Å̗͈͒̈̚M̢͔̰̯̓̔͒͆̔͛̒̆͟͟ ̷͐͐̐̈̈̕͏̱̮̜V̫̥̮͂̈ͨͧ̓ͭͮ̀͞͞E̷̡̦͉͕̟̠̠͇͔̤̅̄̈͢N̙͙͛̄̉̒͛͗ͭ̎̌͠D̶̼ͪͧ͡Ö̡̯̱̗ͯ͌͛̾ͥ̕R͖̳͇ͤͬ͂͆͗ͤ͡

̜̗͓̟͔̲̞̏ͬͩ͟͞͡Y̢̜ͦ͗̏ͪ̀ͥ͟͝O͍̘͐̾ͭ̓ͯ͋̈͝Ư̫̮͕͕ͣ̌ͫ̿̑̈̅̀ ̐͆ͣ҉̨̮͎̱W͇͈͇͖̹̜̭͊̈́͐ͮ̆̂̆I̷̥͖̫͓̼̟̊̅͢L͕̳͍͈̜̳̻̋ͤ̔̽L͈̩͗͜ ̴̷̸͇̼̘̰̐̋ͬ̑̇̌Gͩͧͨ͘͏͙̦̠̣͈̕Ą̵͓̬̞͌ͣ̓́I̷̧̡͚̗͕̞̦͒̌̓ͭ̉̽ͩN̡̡̩̩̫͎͓͚̖̿͋ͧ̄͗͐ͮ̀̚ͅ ̱̫̺̤͇̗̺̜̉ͬ̑ͯͬ́N̗̥͍̳͎͎͍̤ͬ̿̈́̄ͅO̭ͩ̅̾ͣͮ ̶͍̖̹̿̏̌̎̔ͪͤH͇̘̎ͦ̆ͪ͗̌̐̾Aͧ̈ͪ͏̠̘P̤̺̗̪̭̲̣͐̈ͬͤͧ̍͗ͮͅP̛̣̞̯̪̖̫̬̦̍ͣͯ̅̄ͦ̍̀̚I̧̳̫̳ͯ̈̊̓̾̐̀͠Ṅ̯͓̼̙̰͈̖́̒͗ͫ͒̈̕͟E̐̀̄ͭ͊ͦ̂̚҉̖͔͇Ŝ̸̠͖̜̳̻͚̰̗̣ͯͣ̆̓̈S̴͓͍̦̈̽̌̏ͩ͞
̴̬̜̼̹̪͖̋͂̊ͭ̂̒́͟ͅŸ̧̞̮͉̖̲̪̙̜͇ͤ̇͊̐O͎̩̻̼̣̒̾ͩͬͣ͑̑̃͟Ü̙͇̗̟̹ͩ̇ͥ̋̒̅R̛̼͉͎͖͊́̊ ̢̭̳̘̬̬̣̳̄̿̈́̔̾͜͠S̸̰̅ͨ́ͬO̷͉ͤ̔̑̓ͨU̧͍̫̖̦̥̰͖ͪ̽̌̽̅̇̓̈́͘L̢͚̫͙͚̈͑̅ͧ͂̚͠ ̑̓ͯ̍ͧ̚҉̮̗̹̟̱I̭̯̭͓͙͎̫̠ͯ̄ͣ̅̂̌̚̕͠S̯͕͋̓ͪͩ͌͗͛͋͟ ̜̳̖̘̩͚̗͚̗̋͑́͛̈M̵̵̛͕̜̝̫̙͕ͥ̆͒̒̅͌̾I̩̩͕̦̦ͨ͟N̨͖̟͍̥ͤ̓͒͐̈̒͡Eͦ͒ͯ͏̧͕̤̳͖̰̗͔"

The ice cream vendor blinked, and all was normal one more. "Thank again for the ice cream!" Scootaloo called out merrily. The poor pony, who at one time only wanted to vend ice cream, was already feeling himself go mad. He was not ready for the arrival, and when he killed himself but three days later, his dead corpse would become the host of Zalgo. But that doesn't matter right now.

Scootaloo trotted happily away, her ice cream cone curled up in one of her tiny wings. Stopping, she moved the ice cream forward, ready to take her first lick.

"SURPRISE, MOTHAFUCKA!" A large black man yelled as he jumped out from behind a potted plant that was far too small for him to have been hiding behind.

Scootaloo screamed, but it was of no use. The black man was already upon her poor, supple frame. This was indeed, the end.

The afro-ed man grabbed Scootaloo's ice cream, and skipped away merrily. The poor filly fell to the ground, and began to sob.

Author's Note

You thought I was going to make a fried chicken joke.

You racist fucks.

Also, this is the same black man from a few chapters earlier.

The Good Samaritan

The Good Samaritan

"Spike!" Twilight yelled. "I need you to get me a a book from the bottom shelf since I am incapable of bending down or using my magic!"

There was a slight rustling from somewhere beyond the jimmies, and Spike emerged from the staircase. No, you read right. He walked out of the staircase. How? I don't fucking know, maybe it was magic or something.

Spike was dressed in a purple cape, wearing giant rubies on his teeth, and holding a large amount of hoes. Swinging the farming equipment perilously he stuttered in a drunk way, "Spike is no longer! There is only Spizzle the Swagon, grade A pimp!"

Twilight gasped in horror, and fainted. Recovering quickly, she looked at the book she was trying to get. Picking it off the shelf, she threw it down on the ground.

"Spike! I will save you from your unholy ways!" she shouted. "For I have... RELIGION!"

Looking down at the bible verse, she read aloud:

"And he said unto them, Take heed what ye hear: with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you: and unto you that hear shall more be given.
For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath.

—Mark 4:24-25"

Twilight closed the book, and looked up at Spike with teary eyes. "Now do you see why you can't be a pimp?"

Spike stared down at Twilight. "Bitch, I be jewish!"

Twilight laughed. "Don't be silly, Spike! The glorious Hitlercron eradicated all of the jews years ago!" As Twilight was laughing, she turned her head to her change jar. It sparkled of silver and gold, but not of copper. Her face dropped as the sudden realization hit her.

"It's true!" she shrieked. Grabbing the bible, she held it up above her head and screamed, "Yahweh! Save us from this jew!"

There was a bolt of lightening that split the heavens, shooting through the window and tearing a huge hole through Spike. It hit the center of Twilight's bible, which exploded, showing the library in flames. Since Twilight is a fucking idiot and never thought that a library inside of a treehouse would need fireproofing, the entire place was soon engulfed in flames.

Once the volunteer fire department showed up and put out the flames, they found Twilight laying under a burnt shelf. She turned her head weakly, staring at the rescue pony looking down at her, and smiled.

"It's okay..." she said with her dying breath. "The jew is dead."

And there was much rejoicing.

Author's Note

Moral of the story: God is an asshole.

Deep Space Fine

"Here we are," Twilight Sparkle announced to the crew of the S.S. Praizeit. "Ladies and gentlemares, we are floating in space."

"Wait," said unnamed technician #2. "Ladies and gentlemares basically both mean the same thing..."

Twilight punched the airlock button with a hoof and the technician was sucked out into space for her heresy.

"Anyway," Twilight continued, ignoring the soundless screams of the technician she had just sentenced to death. "It is time for us to embrace the future as it hurdles towards us at the speed of light! We have come up here to kiss the heavens with our magnificent spacecrafts for a specific purpose, and we must carry out that task immediately!"

The spacecraft slowly turned towards the sun.

"Let loose the laser of a THOUSAND SUNS!"

The giant opening on the other side of the S.S. Praizeit shot out a glorious laser-colored laser, which smashed into the sun. After some good old fashioned "fuck you"'s to science, the sun split into two ovals, yet gravitated to each other close enough that they were touching sides, almost as if it were a giant...

"Sunbutt," Twilight said, a tear of pride in her eye. "I created the Sunbutt."

"Did you really fund a multi-million bit space program just so you could make this pun?" Unnamed technician #3 deadpanned.

Twilight sighed, her hoof slowly moving over to the airlock button.

The Kanye West Chapter

Celestia stood over the crowd, observing all the of loyal subjects that had gathered today for her speech. he beemed down at the thousands who were waiting for her to talk.

"I thank you all, my little ponies, for showing up today. And now, without further ado, I shall present my speech."

Celestia cleared her throat.

"Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West."

Everypony was dumbfounded. A blonde maned stallion with a Nirvana cutiemark came everywhere.

"Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West Kanye West." Celestia smiled down at everypony, smiling. Slowly, one by one, they began to clap. Soon, it was a riot of love for their princess and her everlasting insight.

Twilight Sparkle sat behind her, slowly shedding tears of happiness. "That... was... beautiful."

Yes, This is God

The phone rang.

Celestia looked down at the phone in confusion. "Since when did we have a phone?"

Deciding not to dwell on that, Celestia used her magical magic to pick up the phone. She paused for a moment, then answered it.

"Hello?"

The voice on the other line was loud and soft at the same time. It was rough and soothing, calm and angry.

"Celestia," the voice said in a commanding yet submissive way. "This is God."

Celestia stared blankly at the wall, then told God "No habla Inglés, señor."

She then hung up the phone rather quickly.

"That was close," he murmured to herself, taking a sip of tea.

"Wait a sec, I wasn't drinking tea before—"

The tea-cup bomb detonated, and there were no survivors.

Eating a Candy Bar

Alright, gonna get my coat and—" Lyra stopped dead in her tracks. Before her was her earth pony marefriend, Bon Bon, eating a candy bar.

Crunch

"Um... why are you sitting in the closet eating a candy bar?" Lyra asked inquisitively. Bon Bon said nothing, but rather took another bit of the candy bar. Lyra giggled nervously.

"Right, so I'm just gonna grab my coat and—

Crunch

Lyra stared, transfixed at her partner. Her wide, staring eyes, the bit of chocolate on the side of her muzzle from the candy bar... it was frightening, yet enticing.

Crunch

Was... was Bon Bon closer?

Crunch

Or was... Lyra closer to her?

Crunch

Eather way, with each bit, the space between them lessened, and with another—

Crunch

—Bon Bon was right beside Lyra, her mouth at her ear. The earth pony stuck her tongue out, pieces of the chewed up candy bar still on it, and licked the side of her lover's face. Lyra grimaced, and braced herself for the worst as Bon Bon brought her tongue all the way up her face and to her ear. She could hear the breath of the earth pony, and Bon Bon whispered one simply, frightening sentence:

"Would you like to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?"

Pleasuring Techniques

Rainbow Dash and Rarity both decided to head over to Twilight Sparkle's house at the same time. Already you may be able to predict the shenanigans that could happen after the two meet up with each other at the said location, but who's writing the story, you or me? It better be me, because if it were you, I would have long ago saved Beatrice from the fire which-

*cough* ANYWAY, Rarity and Rainbow dash bumped into each other at the door of Twilight's library.

"Oh, hello Rainbow Dash. Are you here to see Twilight too?"

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "No, I was here to pick up Spike to teach him how to fly."

Rarity gave Dashie a stern look. "You don't have to be so rude."

"Well, it was kind of obvious, you don't need to be so dumb."

"Well, sor-EE Miss Cranky. What's eating you anyway?"

"Well, Twilight would be by now if-"

Rainbow Dash was interrupted by a loud moaning.

"What was that?"

"Do you think it was Twilight?" Rarity felt odd asking the question, as if she were somehow intruding.

"Well, yeah, I don't think spike can make that feminine of a noise."

"Yeah, you're right, I've heard Spike moan before, and it's much different sounding than that."

"You would know how Spike's moans sound you... rambunctious pedo."

"Excuse me! Spike and I's relationship is strictly professional-"

Another moan, this one louder and accompanying Fluttershy's name was heard from behind the door.

"Oh my, do you think-" Rarity began, but Rainbow Dash shook her head.

Of course not, haven't you learned anything? She's probably sleeping in, or getting a massage or something. It's never what we think."

Rarity smiled. "Yeah, we ARE pretty terrible. We always assume she's in an unscrupulous act whenever we hear her moan. It's ridiculous!"

Rainbow Dash also laughed. "Yeah, we are pretty bad. Alright, let's go inside."

Rarity and Rainbow Dash opened the door and walked inside.

"OH MY-"

Twilight Sparkle was splayed on the rug, getting rather "personal" with a certain object.

"Oh. Hey guys! I guess I should've warned you first. I'll put this away and-"

Rarity and Rainbow Dash immediately ran outside, shut the door, and held it shut.

"We should have jumped to conclusions."

"Agreed."

"We must never speak of this again."

"Double agreed."

Cooking is Magic

The Cutie Mark Crusaders had decided to have a club house sleepover. Everything went fine, until the morning.

Applebloom woke up to hit her head on the bunk bed.

“Ow!”

“SHUT UP!” yelled Sweetie Belle, who was up in the top bunk with Scootaloo.

Applebloom went down to the outside table with some cereal to make breakfast. Somehow, Sweetie Belle was already down there.

“How did ya-”

“Hey, Applebloom, make me some breakfast!” Sweetie Belle demanded.

“Ok.” Applebloom poured out the cereal to meet her friends wishes.

“Oh boy! I love Hayflakes!”

“These are Cheerilee-o’s.”

There was an awkward silence.

“Shut up.”

Applebloom finished pouring the cereal, and threw the box aside. The two friends enjoyed their cereal together.

Scootaloo trotted out, her hair all messy from sleeping with Sweetie Belle.

“Oh boy, breakfast- HAYFLAKES!”

For some unexplainable reason, the box was now Frosted Flakes, which do exist in Equestria contrary to popular belief.

“Those are Cheerilee-o’s!!”

Scootaloo made a mad dive for the box of cereal.

Sweetie Belle levitated a shotgun out and shot Scootaloo in the face.

“WHAT TH’-”

“It had to be done.”

“WHERE DID YA EV’N GET THAT GUN?”

“Duh. We live in America.”

Applebloom looked confused. “What’s an Am’rica?”

Sweetie Belle’s expression turned to one of shock, and she picked up a walkie-talkie. “Lyra! They know! to the escape pods!” Sweetie Belle ran off screaming something about Russians.

Scootaloo stood up, totally fine seeing as the shotgun merely squirted water into her face. “What’s with her?”

Applebloom sighed. “Ah really don’ wanna know.”

Fallout Sucks

As the alien's head exploded inward, Zack holstered his .44 magnum. He casually looted the corpse, and pocketed the energy decals he recovered from the poor extra-terrestrial.

Walking nonchalantly to the large machine in front of him, he saw the various knobs and switches. The Mothership Zeta was a diverse and interesting place, albiet filled with terrible monsters and aliens that wanted to kill him.

"PRESS ALL THE BUTTONS!" The Lone Wanderer smashed his hands against the machine's control panel. A bright green light enveloped him, and began to pull him apart, molecule by molecule. The experience was similar to how one would imagine being blended.

Everything was dark, and Zack was confused. Not scared, for the Lone Wanderer was rarely scared. Well, except for that whole Greyditch experience, but it was MOTHERFUCKING FIRE BREATHING ANTS! Who wouldn't be scared fo that? To this day, he could barely stand to shoot the head off of the normal enlarged insects that plagued the Capitol Wasteland.

A cold, alien, mechanical voice greeted him. "Now arriving in: Equestria. Inhabitants: Minute Equines."

"Hm, ponies, eh?" Zack would have smiled if he weren't still being re-arranged molecularly. Ponies sounding like a nice change from all the rapist, murderers, bugs, radiation, and super mutants that had filled his life as of late.

"I wonder if there are trees of green! And red roses too!" Zack let his mind drift off into dreamland, right before he was materialized into Equestria.

It looked the same. The whole place was grey-green, dying, and his geiger counter was going wild. Little Pip looked over at him, a gun held in her magical grasp. Zack looked back at her.

"God dammit."

Cancer

"Well, it's official," Doctor Stable said, sighing as he looked up from his chart. "You've got cancer."

Twilight stared at him, chewing on her lip. "H-How bad is it? I mean, I could've run the tests myself, but I... I didn't want to contaminate the results with bias, and everything... I figured I'd get the opinion of somepony like you."

"Well, the tumor has matasticized," Doctor Stable said with a heavy sigh. "And it's gone past any known stage I've seen. I'd hazard to call this stage five or six, even though that's not really how cancer works." He set the clipboard down, rubbing his temple wearily. "The... state of the tumor... how it's gained sentience and the ability to talk... that's just insane."

"Is there anything that can be done?" Twilight whispered, her eyes brimming with tears.

"We can start high level x-ray bombardment," Stable said, his horn lighting up as he swiveled a huge, futuristic beam gun that sparkled with x-rays so intense that they were visible to the pony eye.

Twilight nodded somberly, a single tear running down her cheek. "Please do." She paused, and looked up at him. "W-Will it... will it hurt?"

"Oh yes," Doctor Stable said. "Yes, it will."

Twilight sighed softly. "I'm willing to take that risk."

"You know," Spike said, annoyance creeping into his voice. "I'm right here; the only thing more insulting than this past conversation is not even addressing me directly."

"Do it," Twilight whispered.

Doctor Stable sighed, trained the x-ray beam on Spike, and fired.