L'appel De Vide

by GDapperStudios

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Suicide / Self Harm
Length: 3968

An internal conflict has high schooler StarShine struggling to keep her mind in tact.

StarShine has been having some odd visions, dreams, and compulsions lately. She knows why, but repression can only work for so long. She'll have to tell someone eventually before the unthinkable inevitably happens.

Published 2018-07-26 15:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-26 15:40:02 UTC

L'appel De Vide

"Sweetie? Are you sure you don't want to eat? We made your favourite again."

"Honey, just leave her be. She'll be fine, she just needs space."

"I know, but I worry, I never should've let her pick the room with the lock."

----- 2 months earlier -----

"StarShine Dear!"

Starshine, the grey coated mare in the bed looked up at the mare tapping her hoof on the floor in front of her.

"Yeah?"

"You need to get up! You're going to be late!"

"Ugh."

StarShine rolled over and put her pillow over her head.

"Look, I know school's been rough for you recently, but they expelled that bully that was being mean to every-"

"It's not that."

StarShine snapped, cutting her mother's sentence short. Her mother recoiled a bit at her daughter's tone.

"What is it then?"

StarShine stared at her wall for a second. She should tell her, get it out there, get some assistance. She could finally be rid of this burden.

"It's nothing. Get my lunch ready please, I'll freshen up."

StarShine sighed as she looked up at the school.

"Just calm down Star, you can do this, happy thoughts."

She brushed back her yellow mane with a hoof and walked into the school. The hallways were crowded as always, but StarShine kept her head down and walked calmly to her locker. When she eventually got there, her friend Ice Blossom was waiting for her.

"Hey StarShine!"

"Hey Blossom, how are you?"

"Ugh, rebounding into school from the long weekend, who isn't? What about you?"

"Eh, woke up a little late this morning so I'm a kinda tired.

"Ah, sounds like you."

Ice Blossom smiled, and so did StarShine as she closed her locker and put the lock back on it.

"Oh hush. Anyways, we should get to class. It's almost time for the bell to ring."

"What? No, the bell rang."

"It did? Then-"

"The principal's out today, nopony's doing what their told."

"Hey, that's not too bad then."

"Sure isn't. But, you being the good egg you are, and me wanting the job I want, maybe we should just conform."

"Yeah, maybe you're right."

"So, I just told him the truth."

Ice Blossom chuckled as her friend stopped her story to take a bite of her sandwich.

"And what's that?"

"That he's a liar and he wouldn't deserve that award even if he was telling the truth."

"And what was his reaction?"

"Oh pfft, you know how he reacted."

"Got up in your face?"

"Of course. And-"

StarShine stopped for a moment as a haunting scene flashed across her mind.

"Hey, you alright?"

"Huh?"

StarShine snapped back into reality as Ice Blossom asked her question. She chuckled a little and leaned back in her seat.

"You zoned out there a little. Is everything alright with you? You havent quite been..."

Ice Blossom trailed off and started looking around the cafeteria.

"Been what?"

"I don't know, you haven't quite been yourself."

"What are you talking about? I'm the same as always."

"Then what was that? What's with that zoning out all of a sudden? You did it like nine times last week and I was sick for two days! Celestia only knows how many more times you did it."

StarShine leaned back and looked at her friends concerned face for a few moments. She really had been doing it a lot, but she couldn't help it. And every time it only seemed to get worse.

"I...I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired."

"I don't think you-"

"I'm tired, just drop it."

StarShine snapped, looking down at the table blankly. Not another word passed between them until the end of the day.

"Hey."

StarShine looked up from her locker to see Ice Blossom. She brushed her bright yellow mane back and sighed.

"Look, I'm sorry abou-"

"Don't worry, it's alright."

"I just, I've just been a little worn out lately."

"I understand. Do you have any homework?"

"No, not today, thank Celestia."

"Cool, wanna go watch the buckball game some guys are having in the gym?"

"Sure, I'll meet you in the mezz. I'm just gonna put all my stuff back and get it later."

"Cool, I'll save some room up there for ya."

Ice Blossom smiled, glad that her friend was seemingly normal again, and turned to run to the mezzanine. After she put her things neatly back in her locker, StarShine blindly turned around and started towards the mezz. Unfortunately, she ran into another pony soon after, and fell to the floor.

"Oh, are you alright?"

StarShine looked up at the stallion that had asked the question. He was absolutely mesmeric to her. His soft accent sent a chill down her spine, and his bright blue eyes looked past his blue mane and stared straight into her. He reached out a white hoof and StarShine met it with her own.

"Are you alright? Sorry if I wasn't looking."

"N-no, no, I'm fine. I-I wasn't, looking."

StarShines stammering made the stallion laugh a little. StarShine felt herself blush a little, and forced her own chuckle.

"Hey, I'm, I'm busy right now but I'm not from around here. Perhaps, would you be willing to give me the grand tour? Say, tomorrow, seven o'clock?"

"S-sounds good. I'm StarShine by the way."

"Elpis. Glad I could bump into ya. Good day, I'll seeya tomorrow."

As the stallion walked away, StarShine giggled to herself and bolted off to the mezzanine with a newfound sense of hope. When she got up the stairs and to the empty space beside Ice Blossom, she was giddy.

"There you are, what took you?"

"Oh, not much."

"Oh, not much? I've seen that smile maybe three times in our seven years of knowing each other, it's pretty rare. What happened?"

"Alright, fine. I just, quite literally actually, ran into a stallion who is apparently going here now."

"Let me guess, blue eyes, blue mane, white coat?"

"How? How did-"

"Elpis, I talked to him in third earlier, I totally think you've got a shot with him."

"You really think so?"

"Sure, you could get him. Just don't panic and do something weird like that zoning you've been doing. Now c'mon, the game's just getting started."

StarShine walked up to the railing that guarded the edge of the mezzanine and looked down at the players. A few minutes into the heated game, StarShines mind had wandered from the stallion. She began thinking about other things in her life, simply contemplating all the possibilities.

"StarShine!"

"Huh?"

"Jeez girl, you zoned again."

"I'm sorry, I don't know why that happens. I just-"

StarShine cut herself short as she turned back to the edge. And there it was again. That short flash, the oh-so-familiar tempt, just sitting there, lingering in the air. She became short of breath, and had to back away from the edge and lean up against the mats on the wall to catch it again. The world around her became hazy, and the last thing saw saw before passing out was her friend running to her and shouting her name.

"StarShine!"

"Are you sure you're feeling alright?"

"I'm fine. I just, I guess I'm afraid of heights."

"Afraid of heights? Star, I've seen you when you're 'afraid' of something. That was like you'd just witnessed a murder! What the heck is going on?"

StarShine sat in her faint daze and looked around the empty mezzanine.

"Where is everypony?"

"They all left."

"They left? Nopony other than you stayed to see if I was hurt?"

"Well, I told them you'd be fine. Look. I think you need to talk to somepony. This whole zoning out thing is getting a little out of-"

"It's fine. I just, I need to get home."

StarShine ignored her friends words, even though she knew they rang true, and got up off the floor. As she reached the exit, she stopped and looked back at her friend.

"Thanks, by the way."

"No, no problem."

StarShine smiled and left the mezzanine. Ice Blossom wasn't sure if her friend has missed or disregarded the tears on her face. She flopped onto the hard floor mats and sobbed for a few moments.

"Why can't she see what she's doing? This isn't right. Nopony should be experiencing this. I gotta tell her, and I won't let her interupt me this time."

Ice Blossom pushed herself off the floor and grabbed her bag. She began sprinting down the stairs. When she reached the main hallway, she looked left and right, but saw nopony.

"StarShine?"

When no response came, she became slightly frantic, and ran full tilt toward StarShines locker.

"StarShine?"

She again called out, but again got nothing in return. Ice Blossoms only instinct was to run the way she knew her friend always walked. Through the back lot, over the train tracks, and along the edge of the field to her home. Ice Blossom sprinted through the back lot of the school, mane and saddlebag alike flowing in the airstream behind her.

Please, just please be safe. Dear Celestia just please let my friend be safe.

All that could bounce around in Ice Blossoms head was the awful thought of her friend being in danger. The only outside noise that penetrated her panic was the roaring whistle of the nearby train. When she made the turn down the street that ran perpendicular to the train tracks, she saw a glowing bit of yellow, and the accompanying grey.

"StarShine!"

The trains whistle grew closer and louder with every second passed. When Ice Blossom got closer to the tracks, an initially pleasant realization had come to her. StarShine was on the other side of the tracks, but had turned around. She must have heard her.

"StarShine!"

Exasperated, Ice Blossom had almost missed that her friend wasn't looking at her, but rather straight past her, through her even. As the train and Ice Blossom both drew closer to the mare, StarShine lifted a hoof and hovered it over the nearest rail of the train track. The train's whistle roared again, and Ice Blossom used what was left of her willpower to shout out as she reached the tracks.

"No!"

"How is she?"

"Bumps and bruises, but better that than what could've happened. You're a brave young mare, and an incredibly good friend might I add."

The stallion in the hospital wear smiled at Ice Blossom and held the door to StarShines room open.

"Thank you."

As Ice Blossom entered the room, she paused and waited for the door to shut fully. She sighed as the familiar ambience of the hospital room came to her. The lull of the tv, the droning beep of the equipment, and added to that were the sighs of not only her, but the mare on the hospital bed.

"Hey."

"Hey. How are you doing?"

StarShine pushed herself up in her bed and looked out the window at the town's skyline.

"I'm fine. They're letting me go today, so my parents are on the way here."

"That's good. Hey, I think we need to talk."

"I know, I know. I'm gonna talk to my parents when we get back home."

"Good. Good."

StarShine heaved a sigh and looked at Ice Blossom.

"Look. I won't ever ne able to repay you. I mean, you saved my life."

"Don't even worry about it. That's what friends are for."

"Don't give me that. You saved my life, and put yours at risk! Nopony else would have done that for me. There isn't any way I could ever repay you."

A tear slowly fell down StarShines face, and Ice Blossom moved closer to the bed. She brushed her amber mane out of her eyes and looked at StarShine.

"Well, there's one thing you can do."

"Anything."

"Get help. Please. I...I need my friend back."

Ice Blossom threw her front hooves around StarShine and let her sob into her neck as a tear slowly fell down Ice Blossoms face. The embrace lasted only half a minute, but it felt like forever to both mares. Eventually, when the day was coming to it's end, StarShine was back in her bed, her parents at her side.

"We were so worried about you, and when we got the call from the hospital..."

"Don't worry mom, I'm, I'm fine."

"You've got quite the friend StarShine. I'm glad she was there. But, I'm even happier that you're here, and safe."

"Thanks dad."

StarShine leaned up and hugged both of her parents, and they returned the embrace.

"Goodnight dear."

"Have a good sleep."

"Thanks. Goodnight mom, goodnight dad."

Only seconds after her parents left the room, StarShine had turned out the light. It took her a while to get comfortable, but she eventually rolled over and fell asleep.

In the morning, StarShine was awoken by the rays of sunlight peeking through the space in between her blinds. With a smile, she got out of bed and stretched. As she looked in the mirror, she remembered the 'date' she had today.

"It's gonna be a good day. It's gonna be a good day."

Throughout her daily routine, she repeated the phrase to herself.

"Okay, I'm leaving now mom and dad!"

"Alright sweetie, have a good day!"

"Good luck today dear!"

"Thanks mom! Thanks dad! Bye!"

StarShine left her home and started towards the school, taking her usual shortcut route. She had left earlier than usual, as to account for the time at which she was to meet Elpis. When she was approaching the rear of the school, she saw the shimmering blue mane she had been anticipating. As she stopped for a moment and looked at the distant silos, her head started getting fuzzy again, and she put a hoof to it. When she looked up again, he was coming towards her, and the haze was slowly dissipating. The moment Elpis was within hoofs reach, he stopped for a moment, then smiled at her. The haze faded away.

"Hello again."

"H-hi. How are you?"

"Doing pretty fine now I'd say, you?"

"Oh I'm doing pretty good."

StarShine chuckled, prompting a chuckle from Elpis as well.

"Well, if you would lead the way then?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll lead. O-obviously you've seen the track, and the other buckball court over there."

"I certainly have."

"Good. That's really all for outside, inside ther-"

"I've, um, I've shown myself around."

"Oh? Well wha-"

"I, heh, I set this up to ask you, you know, if you'd consider going out with me?"

StarShines mouth dropped open. Did her crush really just ask her out? Her heart started pounding and her knees became weak again.

"Yes. Yes I totally will!"

Almost Two Months Later

Ice Blossom walked down the street towards StarShines house calmly, but eagerly. She knew she had the opportunity to do this, and she had to. For her friends sake. When she reached the door, she sighed and whipped the mane out of her eyes, then knocked three times.

"Hello? Oh, Ice Blossom, how lovely!"

"Hello. Um, is StarShine home?"

"I'm afraid not dear."

"Oh, well, that's good. I need to talk to you. And her dad, is he home?"

"He is. Come, make yourself comfortable. I'll go fetch him."

Ice Blossom walked through the door that StarShines mother had held open for her and sat down in the living room. A feeling of panic ran through her as she looked around the room. But as well, she remembered a few memories she and StarShine had made together in that house.

I'm not going to let it just go away.

"Ice Blossom, what a lovely surprise! What's your business here today?"

"Well, it's about StarShine."

"Oh? I take it from your tone that there's an issue. What is it?"

"Well-"

Ice Blossom started, shuffling uncomfortably on her seat.

"StarShine, she, she's been acting...strange lately. Not, herself strange, a different strange. Bad strange."

"How do you mean? Is she alright?"

"Physically, she's fine. Last I saw she didn't have a scratch on her. But mentally.. I'm afraid not. She seems really depressed, especially now that she's single again, and I'm scared that she might even be sui-"

"Blossom, I know you're dreaming to be a therapist, but don't you think this diagnosis may be a bit... rash?"

"I don't know. It's so hard to get a good read on her because I don't see her very much anymore. She's always off on her own, and even when she is around me, she's a totally different pony. I'm not trying to say that something's wrong with her, I'm just saying that I'm a bit concerned."

There was a long moment of silence before StarShines father looked up.

"Go get her. Her mother and I must speak with her."

Ice Blossom nodded to her friends parents, and shot up and out the door.

StarShine was sitting against one of the heating ducts on the top of the abandoned factory near her house, with her headphones on, and the piece of paper on the ground beside her. On it was written in nearly perfect hoofwriting

To whomever may find this.
I'm sorry. Please tell my family this. Please tell my best friend Ice Blossom, and please, don't cry for me. It's better this way.

StarShine sighed and crumpled the paper up into a ball. As she tossed it aside, she took her headphones off and set them beside the ball. Once again sighing, she stood up and walked over to the side of the roof. The ground below nearly called her, beckoned to her. Her vision became hazy, and she started feeling lightheaded.

"Just.... don't think about it."

Her hooves at the edge, she closed her eyes, blocking out the screams of Ice Blossom, who was down below.

The flowers on the nightstand swayed in the wind from the open window. Chills ran through Ice Blossom, and tears down her cheeks, but she didn't move from where she sat. That was, not until a stirring came from the bed.

"StarShine!"

The yellow maned pony looked over to her friend and smiled.

"Hey."

Her voice was frail and weak, but she still found the strength to move up into a sitting position.

"What, what happened?"

"You..."

Ice Blossom took a long breath and wiped the tears out of her eyes.

"StarShine, it got out of control quick. You know that, right?"

"I..."

Tears were starting to run down StarShines face, and she buried it in the hospital blanket and cried. Ice Blossom wrapped her hooves around her friend and cried a little herself.

"I'm so sorry Blossom, I should've listened to you. I just... I just didn't think I would actually-"

"Hey, hey, shh, it's alright StarShine. All that matters now is that you're safe, and that soon enough you'll be back home."

"But, I can't..."

"Can't what?"

"I, I have to-"

"Star, don't worry. Your dad is setting something up, it'll be fine."

"A-are you sure?"

"I'm positive."

Silence overtook the air for a while, as if neither had anything to say, though they both knew well enough that they did. Ice Blossom had sat back in the chair and was staring out the window when StarShine spoke.

"Ice Blossom?"

"Yeah?"

"How, how did I live?"

Ice Blossom smiled a little and looked down at the floor. She sighed and looked at StarShine again, whipping her mane upwards to expose her forehead. StarShine's mouth dropped open. She hadn't noticed it before, it had blended into her white coat so well. Around Ice Blossom's head, right front hoof, and abdomen were several layers of medical gauze. The more she looked, the more apparent they became.

"You, you-"

"Don't, don't worry about it. That's what friends are for. Heh, it's like deja-vu each time I say that."

Ice Blossom smiled at her friend after she spoke, which brought tears to StarShine's eyes. As Ice Blossom turned to gaze out the window again, she whispered something to herself.

"What?"

"Do you remember that day that you and me skipped after lunch and hung out, showing each other different songs and stuff?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know why, but a line from that first you showed me one popped into me head."

"Which line?"

"What ever happened to the young mares heart, swallowed by pain, as she slowly fell apart."

"Sweetie? Are you sure you don't want to eat? We made your favourite again."

"Honey, just leave her be. She'll be fine, she just needs space."

"I know, but I worry, I never should've let her pick the room with the lock."

"Sweetie, it's her last day before she goes away for therapy, she'll come down and eat with us, I know it."

As the voices slowly faded away, StarShine took the pillow off of her head and looked at the door. After letting out a sigh, she rolled off the bed and onto her hooves. She shook her head and took a shaky step towards the door.

"Am I too late?"

StarShine stopped when she heard the familiar voice from the floor below. She put her ear up to the door and listened to the conversation.

"No, she has one more day. She's just being a bit of a hermit today, I'm afraid."

"Well, should I go?"

It almost sounded like the sentence was cut off, but StarShine thought she wouldn't see her friend again until she was back from therapy. She swung open her door and ran into the hallway, crashing into Ice Blossom on the way to the stairs.

"Ice Blossom!"

StarShine jumped over to her friend and quickly hugged her. Ice Blossom chuckled and returned the embrace.

"Hey Star, how's it going?"

"I-I-I thought you left, you asked if you should go and-"

"You weren't down there, I pointed upstairs."

StarShine laughed a little bit and hugged her friend again.

"Look, I can never thank you enough for what you did, but, I will say that I am immeasurably thankful, and I still can't beleive I'm still here right now."

"Hey, what are friends for? Now come on, I got something planned for ya. It's nothing special, but I think it'll help you out with your therapy."

"How much farther?"

"Just a bit more, I want the angle to be good."

"You've always been a perfectionist, it's your vice."

"Alright, there. You can take the blindfold off now."

StarShine reached up and took off the soft silk blindfold. It took her eyes a moment to adjust, but she soon could see clearly where her friend had brought her.

"We're at your house? But, we've been walking for way longer than the trip here."

"Yeah, I may have walked you around a bit."

"Well, what are we doing here?"

"StarShine, my mother has a PHD in foalhood psychology, she'll have you better in no time. Not to mention, I'll be around here too."

Ice Blossom chuckled as she nudged her friend. StarShine wiped the tears from her eyes and turned to hug Ice Blossom.

"Thank you so much, you're an amazing friend. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Well, as crazy as you normally are, you are too. And don't worry, we'll always be there for each other."

Author's Note

Hey everyone, quick authors note on why this story is here. Imade this story because it's something I've been through, am going through, and will unfortunately continually struggle with. I'm not trying to whine or play any sympathy cards, I'm just saying that as someone who has experienced it, I feel very strongly about this story.

Just remember that you're never alone. Just keep your head up and get through life, because you deserve it.

~GDapper Out