Indigo

by Inky Scrolls

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Sad, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 1596

Slowly coming to terms with her illness, Starlight must tell her friends about her depression.

As Starlight slowly comes to terms with her depression, she considers her options with the help of her friends.

(You don't have to read 'Blue' to understand this story, but it'll make more sense if you do.)

Published 2019-03-12 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-03-12 00:30:01 UTC

The Truth

"Hey everyone." Starlight Glimmer, guidance counsellor of the School of Friendship, greeted her friends as they gathered inside her office. She was sitting in a comfortable armchair by the window, with Rarity already by her side, leaning gently against the arm of the chair. When the others were all inside the room, Starlight shut the door behind them with her magic, turning a hastily improvised sign on the outside to 'engaged'.

She motioned to the variety of cosy-looking beanbags and easy-chairs. "Please, make yourselves at home."

"Is everything alright, sugarcube?" asked Applejack, plonking herself down unceremoniously on a cushion. "You've been real quiet recently."

Rainbow scoffed. "Lighten up, AJ! She's just tired from all this, this. . . what is it you do, anyway, Starlight?"

"Ooh, ooh, I know, pick me!" Pinkie Pie shouted gleefully. "She makes the ponies feel better when even we can't, and gets to have a really cool title!"

Rarity cut in smartly before Pinkie could launch into an exposition. "Yes, yes, Pinkie darling. It's partly about that that we wanted to speak to you all, isn't it, Starlight dear?" She nodded encouragingly at Starlight, a gentle smile on her face.

Starlight sighed heavily, swallowing subconsciously before speaking. "Well, yes, in a way. If it's alright with you, Twilight," she said, turning to the Princess of Friendship, "I should like to take some time off from work for a while. Not ages, but just - I could do with some time away, perhaps for a few weeks, to. . ."

She broke off, and Rarity murmured softly to her. "I still think you should tell them, Starlight darling. I know it's hard to admit it, but you will feel so much better if you trust them to want to help you."

Starlight nodded reluctantly. "Okay, I'll tell them. I have something to tell you all," she spoke louder again, addressing the others. "You've probably all noticed that I've not been. . . 'myself', lately. I've been tired, and emotional, and spending more time on my own than usual. Well, that, combined with several other things, has led me to think that I might - that I might have - that I -"

She broke off again, blinking rapidly. Rarity looked at her closely, worried, but Starlight seemed to take a hold of herself and, breathing deeply for a moment, began again. "This isn't easy for me to admit, because it makes it more real, somehow, but. . . I'm not well. I - agh, what am I saying!? I'll be fine. Honestly, I'm sure it's nothing."

She turned away abruptly, not noticing the worried look which flashed in the gazes of her friends, and wiped away a sudden tear. Rarity laid a hoof on Starlight's shoulder, and gently turned her to face her. The troubled unicorn stared blankly up into the fashionista's eyes, appearing to Rarity to be weak, almost shrunken, and vulnerable. She gave Starlight her best encouraging smile, and nodded, murmuring, "Please, darling. If you can't tell them for yourself, then tell them for me. We all want to help you, but the others can't do that until they know what's wrong. Go on, Starlight. Trust me."

Blinking away tears of both gratitude and despair, the guidance counsellor nodded reluctantly and tried again. "I haven't been well, lately. I don't know why I've not been well, but - I think it's because - it's just -"

She stammered into silence, staring down at her hooves in embarrassment. After a few moments, in which Rarity carefully placed her hoof round the unicorn's shoulders, Starlight sighed heavily. Eventually she managed to find within herself the courage to speak. "I have depression."

A collective gasp of concern and dismay swept through the group, with each mare reacting differently. Fluttershy covered her mouth with her hooves, Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow as though almost disbelieving, Applejack went straight over to Starlight and wrapped her in a big bearhug, Twilight glanced away to the window and nodded as though reminded of some memory from her past, and Pinkie Pie inquired excitably - seemingly totally oblivious to the situation - "What's a 'depression', Glimmy?"

Hearing the earth pony's honest, innocent question made Starlight smile for a brief moment. As Applejack released her from the hug, resting her hoof alongside Rarity's over the unicorn's shoulders, she tried to explain what 'a depression' was: "It's hard to explain, Pinkie. For me it's like feeling sort of flat, or - oh, I don't know. Grey, and empty. Like. . ."

As she struggled to find the right words so as to explain depression for a pony to whom the concept was evidently entirely foreign, Twilight stepped in to help. "It's feeling sad, Pinkie. Sadder than you've ever been, and finding it hard to imagine a world in which you're not sad. It's like being all on your own, tired and confused, without anypony to help you. It's thinking that nopony cares about you and that you're not worth their time. Do you remember how you felt when you thought we'd all forgotten your birthday, and were planning something without you?"

Pinkie Pie nodded, far less exuberant now, and Twilight continued, "Well, imagine feeling constantly like that, for weeks, months, or even years. All the time. That's what depression is, Pinkie."

Now understanding just how her friend felt, Pinkie's lip started trembling with empathy, and as her hair slowly deflated, she blinked away unbidden tears.

Something about the way Twilight had been able to describe almost exactly how she was feeling suggested to Starlight that the Princess of Friendship knew more about the illness than books alone would be able to convey, and she made up her mind to see if Twilight was alright as soon as possible. Now, though, her attention was taken up by Fluttershy, who had come to stand directly in front of her depressed friend.

"I'm so sorry to hear about how you're feeling, Starlight," she began. "I can't imagine how hard that must be. You're always so kind to everypony. . . if you ever want to talk, please don't hesitate. I want to help you if I can." She gave an encouraging blink.

Rainbow, who had been looking almost as confused as Pinkie Pie, now seemed to understand - well, understand enough to realise that Starlight was actually ill, and not just bad at dealing with her emotions. She fluttered over to Starlight, and landed lightly in front of her, head cocked inquisitively to the side. "I don't really understand how or why you're unwell, Starlight. But you're one of my closest friends, and I'll always be there if you want to. . . hang out, I guess? I think you're cool, you know. You're still cool."

Starlight smiled at Rainbow's awkward announcement, half in amusement, half in gratitude. She felt a stroking sensation on her mane; Rarity leant close to her ear and murmured, "You see, darling. We all care about you, and we'll do whatever we can to help you."

The unicorn nodded in reply, as Applejack added, "We'll be right here for you, Starlight. If you want somepony to talk to, spend some time with, or even if all you need's a shoulder a cry on, we'll be there for you. You're one of us now, remember?"

Throughout these last exchanges Twilight had kept quiet, having gone to stand over by the window, staring outside with a slightly distant, almost wistful expression on her face. As Applejack finished speaking, however, she spoke up again, turning towards Starlight directly. "I know how you feel, Starlight. I understand what it's like, how hard life can be, how difficult it is to admit you're unwell - and especially how hard it is to tell others. I know because I've experienced what you're going through now myself." Ignoring the surprised glances of her friends, she continued, "Whatever you need to do regarding your work here at the school, you have my full support. If you want to take some time off - which I definitely recommend, as taking a break is a wonderful way to destress - then that's completely fine with me. Your desk will be waiting for you when you decide to come back."

The Princess smiled, and Starlight found herself smiling back. This outpouring of love and compassion, even from those of her friends who didn't really understand what she was going through, warmed her heart, and she sighed again - this time, contentedly.

It would be a long road to health again, she knew that. But with her friends by her side - Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie and Rainbow - she knew she would see it through.

She was going to be okay.

Author's Note

(This story is a prequel to Orange.)

To all my little ponies out there who are suffering from depression, know this: You are not alone. Even when it feels like you've got nopony to turn to, nopony who understands, remember that:-

a) Depression is an illness. I know it sounds obvious, but I've always found keeping that simple fact in mind to be very helpful, almost comforting.

b) Because depression is an illness, you can recover. It might take weeks, months, or even years, but you can recover and you will recover.

c) Whenever you're at your lowest ebb, and life feels like it's just too much, the whole of the brony community will be here for you. You're one of us now, remember?

Stay safe, my little ponies. :twilightsmile: