The hallways of the castle were silent at night, save for the sound of my hooves lightly tapping on the floor. I was in no hurry to go anywhere, actually, but I quickened my pace anyway. I knew that she would need me very soon.
Sure enough, as I entered the eastern wing, where my sister's sleeping quarters were located, I heard a familiar faint sobbing, a sound that could only come from one pony that I knew. It wasn't the good kind of familiar - sort of like the feeling you get when you knew the dentist was about to pull a tooth out. You saw it coming - yet it doesn't reduce the pain in any way. In fact, hearing the same sound every night only served to add to my heartbreak.
Silently, I made my way into her bedroom, seeing a familiar figure lying on the bed, shaking lightly from her crying. Closing my eyes, I let a sad sigh escape my lips before I entered the dream realm.
A blast of incinerating flame. Another deflecting projectile from her horn.
She glared back at the abomination, a creature shaped from her dark thoughts but possessed the same mind and soul as she did. Looking at the sun princess's expression, she laughed maniacally, knowing that she had already won.
"Give it up," Daybreaker sneered. "You know it's still your fault. As long as you live, you'll always be reminded of the same fact. Your sister suffered, Equestria suffered, all because of you. And you will always remember. You know you can't die."
Unfortunately, she was right. Celestia, the normal, vulnerable version of herself, had nothing to say in her own defense. Daybreaker was right. Luna suffered because of her. The one pony she loved more than anything else had only felt pain because of her actions.
"You're right," she muttered, but Daybreaker was no longer there. Instead, the world melted into one of darkness, and in front of her stood a black alicorn with the sharpest cyan eyes in the world. It was another demon - the demon of her sister, the demon that she helped make.
But Nightmare Moon's expression contained neither hatred nor contempt. To be honest, she looked... sad.
"Why?" The mare of darkness spoke with a cracked voice. Celestia felt herself cower again, not wanting anypony to see her tear-streaked face.
"Why did you do this, sister?" Her sister spoke again, her voice full of pain and almost fear. "Wasn't there another way?"
Celestia didn't answer the question, for she knew what the answer would be. And she was afraid to say it - no, she would never say it. She would rather be banished to the sun than do that.
"I... I know you've changed." That was all the white alicorn could offer.
She was helpless, she was useless. She was so useless that she could not even protect the pony she loved the most. She made Equestria suffer in the absence of the princess of the night, she caused heartbreak that could not be reversed.
She loved Luna, yet nothing that she did ever helped her sister.
And all she could do now, was cry.
Cry until everything went black.
I didn't end the dream myself, for I knew that it would disappear on their own. It was the same thing every night. It wasn't even a nightmare - it was a reflection of guilt, an active part of the subconscious working at night. I tried to stop it once, but soon I knew that there was no one else that could stop it except Celestia herself.
"Oh, sister," I smiled sadly as I laid a wing gently across her back, feeling her choked, ragged breaths slowly falling back into a peaceful tempo before releasing my hold on her. I wish I could climb into bed with her, gently holding her all night in my forehooves, letting her fall asleep in my embrace... but I couldn't. I knew it would only bring more pain to what she was already going through.
I knew that Celestia and I have never truly gotten over the events of my transformation. It affected her so deeply that even her personal demon came back to haunt her in her nightmares. I knew she cared for me, maybe even in the same way I did for her, but that meant nothing at all. Not when she's letting the pain consume her.
Seeing her like this every night broke my heart as well. I felt like part of me was broken, adding more and more cracks to my soul as the days and nights passed by. I wanted to tell her that it was all my fault, that she had nothing to be sorry for, that Equestria was nothing but grateful towards her for doing what she did.
But from what I've seen, I knew that nothing I say would matter unless she believed it herself. And what's she doing - telling herself it's her fault over and over again - it's killing her from the inside. I knew she was too stubborn of a pony to let it show during the day, in front of all of her subjects, but I knew her better than anypony in Equestria.
How long will it be before she kills herself from this guilt? How long will I have to watch her suffer, given that we're timeless? Will there ever be a chance where she could finally forgive herself, just like how I forgave her long ago?
I didn't notice tears were trickling down my face until I realized I need to be somewhere else. Some place where I could be detached from the world, literally. Charging up my horn again, I entered the world of dreams once more, except this time, I retreated to a corner where no one could ever reach, not even my dear sister. A place that reflects every thought of my body and soul, showing me the true words and feelings concealed deep within myself.
The only time when I could access this place was when I was in a deep sleep, like when the Elements of Harmony finally convinced me to forgive myself for what I've done. Somehow, I knew that they couldn't have done the same for Celestia. Yes, we were in the same situation, yet it was totally different at the same time. I hated myself for not being to help her like how those six ponies had helped me.
I moved closer to a pool of water, almost seeing Celestia's reflection instead of my own in there. I let my tears flow freely. I knew alicorns couldn't die - not physically, but that didn't mean I wouldn't lose her - the real Celestia that I've known and loved for so long, that I would never have the courage to confess my true feelings to. Others may think it is wrong, unprincesslike, even, but I didn't care. As long as Celestia lives within her past, she would only lose more of herself, and eventually she would be gone.
I traced my hoof idly over the surface of the pool, feeling my tears fall into the water, creating gentle ripples that remind me of the tears in my sister's eyes - the way that they had moved with so much pain in her dream. The way that she thought she had hurt me.
"Oh, Celestia, why?" I wept out loud, knowing that no one could hear me. "Why couldn't you forgive yourself, when I've already forgiven you long ago? You are the only one that can pull yourself out of this!" I let my hooves hit the water as a feeling of fear and desperation shot through me. "I wish I could tell you exactly just how much I love you, so that you know I'm not suffering because of you! But would you believe me, when you don't even trust in yourself anymore? Can't you see that you're dying..." My voice trailed off into unintelligible sobs, unable to bear the thought of losing her forever.
"Please..." I knew this was going to be a sleepless night, just like many others have been since I found her crying almost every night. I wrapped my own wings around myself, feeling no comfort coming from it. "Please... would you please try, even though you can't hear me? I know you can do it, okay? I believe in you... I can save you from your nightmares... but I can't save you from yourself..."
The surface of the pool sparkled as my tears mixed with the water, a bitter reflection of my sadness. I looked into the water again, and this time I saw a real reflection of Celestia, a distant look in her eyes as I spoke to her:
"I get tired too, you know? I'm tired of feeling so scared, so helpless as you suffer. I'm tired that I could never help ease your pain the way that I did with myself. I can't go on much longer, and neither can you, you know?"
I wiped away some of the tears with one hoof. "But I only want to make sure you're okay! I don't care how long would that take, or how much will it cost me, but I'll make sure of it, okay? Because I don't want to stand by and watch you suffer. Because I don't want you to feel anymore pain. Because I want both of us to take back our terrible mistakes and tell ourselves that's in all in the past, alright? Because I love you more than anything... sister."
The last line was almost too hard to force out of my mouth, but I did it anyway, feeling a new torrent of tears build up in my eyes as I spoke the last words for tonight.
"I just... I don't want to watch you disappear."
-END-
Author's Note
I'm sorry if this was bad. I just wanted to get out some of my feelings in a quick way. I'm still working on Fallen So Far, but updating rate might be slow. I've decided to cancel my old projects (The story titled With Or Without Me, and another postponed story about an unorthodox ship) and focus more on these new ones.
Stay tuned for more!
~Frosty
