When The Shit Hits The Fan
"Get down!" yelled the sergeant. I looked up and say a grenade falling our way. The trench wasn't safe anymore. I jumped out along with the rest of my squad. Some of the other soldiers weren't so lucky. My ears didn't even hear the explosion, and my eyes were closed the entire time. The only signal that told me that the grenade had exploded was the high pitched noise that resounded throughout my head and in my ears.
I looked around, injured ponies crawling away from the trench as more grenades came flying. I felt a powerful shove from underneath me. The sergeant had lifted me up with his snout.
"There's no time to lay around!" he yelled,"Get moving!" His voice was quiet and distant against the buzz in my ears.
I had no time to think, bullets were whizzing by my head one after another. Our squad was broken apart, it was just me and the sergeant. I galloped for cover in the nearby forest, the sergeant close behind me. My hearing slowly started to come back.
I was shoved into a tree.
"What do you think you're doing!" he yelled. I just looked back at him and said nothing. There was nothing to do.
"There are stallions dying out there, and all you do is stand there like an idiot and never return fire!"
I started to respond, but an explosion cut me off and caused a nearby tree to fall over. Without a word we both ran deeper into the forest.
When we couldn't hear any more bullets or gunshots, we stopped, both of us panting and using a nearby tree for support. After a couple seconds, the sergeant was upon me again.
"Well? Do you have an answer for me?"
I looked at the gun that hung off of my neck, held by a strap of black material. I looked up at the sergeant, soldiers weren't supposed to fear anything.
"You know, it's just that you'd think that we'd have guns designed for hooves."
"What?" The sergeant looked at me as if I had just taken heroin after babysitting three ruckus-causing fillies for three days straight.
"You know, this M16? It looks like it's designed for... I don't know... hands?"
"Hands are a myth and you know it."
"Yeah but, why are we even at war anyway?"
"Enough questions, let's get moving."
"No seriously, Equestria is the most peaceful place on the planet why would there be a war?"
"Um... Something... Invaded, yeah that's it."
"And why is it that there aren't any bathrooms anywhere?"
"Look we should probably get going."
"I mean, I've been in countless houses but nobody has a toilet, just working plumbing. And it seems like I'M the only one that ever has to take a shit or something."
"What are you talking about?"
"Why are there bowling alleys? Why are there doorknobs on doors? Why are these weapons designed for something with fingers? Why are we at war? How am I supposed to throw a grenade if I can't even pick it up? Where's Celestia? Who would invade a peaceful country? Why di we invent guns in the first place? Why do we have, like, most of our male population in the Royal Guard but pride ourselves on being a peaceful people?"
"Look I don't have time for this, the enemy is probably coming through the woods right now."
"Well it doesn't really matter. It's not like we can return fire with these guns. Who made these guns anyway? I've never seen any factories. And I'm pretty sure nobody got there cutie mark for mining sulfur and charcoal. The only ores we have around here are gems."
"Shut up already."
"And why is it that when, say, Pinkie Pie gets shot she just kind of regenerates the skin and heals the wound, but we don't receive the same treatment. And why do we use guns if we have magic? Can magic be weaponized on a large scale?"
"Holy Shit!"
"What?"
I looked up. Sure enough the sergeant's "holy shit" was well placed. A gigantic land serpent was coming out of the ground. I turned as fast as I could.
It was no use, the land serpent was moving faster than I was. I turned around and shot it in the mouth. It's mouth started to bleed.
I started to bleed.
I had shot myself. I lost blood faster than than Celestia banishes ponies to the moon. My vision starts to fail and I start to feel dizzy. My last glimpse of the world was of the serpent approaching me.
(the tense is supposed to change here)
^Ignore this comment
There is a sudden rush of fresh air into my nostrils. Light pours into my eyes for the first time in hours. The first image that I get to see is a stallion, a black stallion, smiling at me. I'm tied to a chair.
"Hello prisoner," he says, the smile never leaving his face. "Do you know this filly?"
He lifts a blanket off a pink filly tied to a chair. It's Pinkie Pie. I try to call to her but there is something in my mouth. The black stallion starts to speak.
"You have two options. You either shoot Pinkie Pie, or we kill you."
Shit just hit the fan. The stallion hands me a gun and gestures to Pinkie Pie. I look at the gun. I shoot the black stallion in the face and do a chair backflip. The chair breaks upon contact with the boards. I shoot another guard in the face as he runs in to see what all the commotion is about.
Pinkie Pie looks pleadingly into my eyes, as if she is begging for me to save her. I gallop over and break her chair with my face. Pinkie Pie tries to thank me but I put a hoof up to her mouth. It's too dangerous to talk.
I grow a jet pack and grab Pinkie Pie in one hoof. Reaching down to my belt, I pull the safety pin off one of the grenades and let it drop to the ground. Guards are rushing in from every corner now. The jet pack explodes into fiery wonder and rockets Pinkie Pie and myself skyward. As we approach the maximum altitude, the grenade goes off and the hide out of the bad guys explodes.
As Pinkie Pie and I rocket off into the sunset, we make out. It was totally hot. We land on a mountaintop and I ask Pinkie Pie to marry me. She says yes. Four years later we have seven kids. The kids turn out to be a financial burden and I can't provide enough for our family. Shit starts to get real. Pinkie Pie cries every night because I can't afford to get the children the toys they want. I word twelve hours a day to put food on the table. Eventually the stress becomes great enough that Pinkie Pie leaves me and takes the kids, off to find somepony else who can provide for her children. I sit alone in my house, crying myself to sleep every night. I sometimes forget how to cry so I just close my eyes and whimper for a bit.
Three months later, I'm promoted to CEO. I have a gargantuan raise in my salary and I become ridiculously fat from all the food I can buy and eat. Sometimes I walk buy Pinkie Pie's house. She still hasn't been able to provide for the kids, and they live off scraps. I think about helping them out. Instead, I walk buy every four days or so to show how much more obese I've gotten from all the food I've eaten.
Seven months later, I have a heart attack due to my obesity. The doctors try to help me but they can't. I die a sad, slow death. Pinkie Pie is there, crying. She tells the doctor she need some alone time with me. I'm weak and powerless on the bed, unable to move a muscle. My mouth is hung open with a slight bit of drool in it.
Pinkie Pie leans in to tell me something.
"You're an asshole."
She proceeds to snort a little bit and produce the mother of all loogies. With a defined spit, she shoots it into my open mouth. Then she takes a nearby cup and pisses into it. After she finishes she pours it into my mouth. After telling me once again that I'm an asshole, she storms out of the room.
Her piss tasted good. I die on the hospital bed, the doctors unable to save my life. Nobody comes to the funeral. Except for one pony. It's the sergeant from the war a long time ago.
He starts to shed a tear. He leans down to put some flowers on top of my grave. I suddenly pop out of the coffin, pushing my way out of the ground. The sergeant is screaming something about zombies, and he's totally right. I'm a zombie. I eat his brain and turn him into a zombie.
We walk forward toward the city, ready to zombify the rest of Equestria. Pinkie Pie is walking down the street. She sees me and screams, but doesn't run. She walks forward and tells me that she's sorry, that she's missed me.
She looks so pretty that I once again remember why I married her. The sergeant is trotting forward to eat her brain but I stop him and kill him right there. I feel bad for leaving Pinkie Pie.
She starts to cry, and I feel the tears coming myself. I trot forward and give her a hug. Once she lets go of the embrace, I eat her brain and kill her.
I gallop forward to attack Ponyville. Unluckily there is a root. I trip. My zombie brain explodes into a thousand bits. I am once again dead.
THE END
