Dateline: Toyline

by Estee

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Spike, Comedy, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1364

One lucky Equestrian toy company has the rights to create the first-ever action figures of the Bearers. (Nopony said it was good luck.)

The appearance of heroines can lead to many things, and one of them is merchandising. So it makes perfect sense for a toy company to get the rights for the Bearers' images and produce action figures of them, right?

...well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

(Now with author Patreon, SubscribeStar, and Ko-Fi pages. (Due to minimal length, this story was a pledge freebie.))

Published 2018-07-31 01:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-31 01:30:02 UTC

Still Better Than It Worked Out Here

"Boss! Boss! You'll never believe what I just got the palace to sign over!"

"...you went to the palace? The head of license acquisition tried to see the Princess on the day after the Return? -- wait. Don't tell me you just got the rights to the first toys made of Princess Luna? You're a miracle! First out of the starting gate! We're going to carry the Hearth's Warming hot list for the next decade! You just got us the world --"

"-- they wouldn't give me that."

"So what did you get?"

"We have exclusive rights to the first toys anypony can make of the Bearers!"

"...who?"

"So there's six mares."

"Right."

"Young ones? Pretty?"

"Well, they're all adults..."

"How's their demographics?"

"Two of each race."

"Perfect. But -- they're all over in Ponyville?"

"Afraid so. And the Princess said she doesn't want us dragging them to Canterlot. She wants them to have some... bonding time?"

"Fine: we'll just have to head out there for the photography sessions. How hard could it be to get them all together?"

"'This library is temporarily closed for dragon removal. Addendum: not the dragon who lives here. The one up on the mountain. Back soon.'"

"'The Carousel Boutique will reopen once the damage caused by the parasprites has been repaired. Also, if anypony happens to find any gem fragments among the excretions, please give them six hours of scrubbing and leave them at the back. Thanks ever so!'"

"'Zebra! Zebra! Everypony run! She's an evil enchantress and she'll make you do -- anyway, bakery closed! Bye!' So over the last six trips, exactly what have we learned here?"

"This is a weird town."

"True."

"And they like to post signs."

"...what do you mean, the yellow one didn't make it?"

"She's got a modeling job. Photo Finish is shooting her."

"We can't get her in front of a camera for two seconds before she streaks off for the horizon and now she's a model?"

"Well, at least the sculptors were able to work from what was in the magazines. So these are the first takes?"

"Actually... they're the pre-production sculpts."

"...the librarian is about two hoof-heights shorter than any of the others. The farmer is a trotting piledriver, the caretaker is a model, the weather coordinator practically has airflow when she's standing still, the baker needs to drop a tenth-bale, and the designer has more curves in her tail than the Las Pegasus Spiral."

"I saw the pictures --"

"-- so did I. Also, I've seen them. They are six very different mares. So why do all of these sculpts have the exact same body type?"

"Boss... do you know how much money we've spent, going back and forth to Ponyville? The equipment we lost when Discord turned it into free-range chickens? Chickens we never got back? We've been trying to put this together for more than a year now. We need to turn a profit on this. So that means we can't use the more complicated devices. It's going to be basic molding. Cookie-cutter. It's bad enough now that it's all three races and we've got to make sure the wings and horns are there on four of them."

"Well... I guess it'll look better once we add the real hair. And put in some jointing."

"...actually..."

"So you're the new hire. I heard you've got this idea for marketing the Bearer line? Because after all the delays we've had, we could use some ideas. Especially since we're now essentially selling cold-baked jointless lumps of clay."

"There was another delay?"

"My license acquisition expert turned out to be a changeling who was just trying to acquire information on the enemy. And it sort of mattered to the Guards that he was. ...I don't want to talk about it. What's your idea?"

"Two words: blind bags."

"...try more words."

"We put the toys in bags! No way to see what's inside! Oh, and we'll have some paper stuffed in there too, so nopony can feel what's inside! They don't know which Bearer they're getting until they open it!"

"You're expecting kids to buy toys sight unseen. Without knowing... is this a joke?"

"It encourages extra sales! Trading with friends!"

"Trading... okay, I can see that. Maybe it's not the worst idea. And if anypony says we're encouraging gambling, we'll just say it only takes buying six to have a reasonable chance of finishing."

"Actually... that leads to my other idea. We're doing twenty-four figures to a case, right?"

"That's the plan."

"So here's the distribution. First, Pinkie. She's one in twenty."

"...I just said twenty-four."

"No. She's a chase figure. She's one in every twenty cases! Now, to compensate, we'll be drowning the kids in Applejack --"

"-- get out."

"So we're doing basic Bearer information cards with the figures now?"

"They're cheap and it puts something else in the package. We've already printed off the first five thousand on each."

"Good. So can I ask you one question?"

"Sure."

"Who is 'Twifright Starkill'?"

"I sent pictures of the current designs to Ponyville."

"And?"

"Well, other than the usual twenty pages of complaints about unfair representation, inaccurate depictions, and Rarity's most recent manifesto on how there's no dress-up possibilities being offered to a tasteful buyer, for which she should naturally design the actual dresses?"

"Other than that."

"Either we finally agree to put the dragon in or Twilight's going to blast the factory into orbit."

"This has been the single most complicated line I've ever worked on. What's it been, nearly three years now? Three years of everything possible going wrong. Three years during which I'd normally expect to have paid for a failure, because the trend would have moved on. Nopony would care who they were any more. But you know something? It helped. It took that long just for most of Equestria to learn they existed. To care. And now, looking out over the shipping dock... knowing that all these beautiful boxes are just two days from being sent out... that the packaging is right, that finalized logo works, and that nopony else could make anything because we had the rights tied up... I'm starting to think it was worth it. Two more days, and all of those beautiful sealed boxes will be traveling all over the continent. Toys of the Bearers. It's the way kids will come to know them. And sure, they aren't the most accurate sculpts in the word, Pinkie's hair looks too much like Applejack's tail and some of Twilight's bangs came out as all-purple... but they're toys. Even if they aren't quite perfect, on some level, they still represent the Bearers as they are. Or at least the only way most kids will ever know them -- huh. Does anypony else hear... chanting? Like there's a lot of ponies singing the same thing over by the palace? I can't quite make the whole thing out. All I'm getting is 'cometh, behold, behold.' Somepony open a window? We'll find out what they're singing about."

"So... I know this is last-minute. Literally. I know you've been opening boxes for... yeah. 'For.' Let's leave it at that. And I also know the pickup carts are due in nine hours. So. In front of each workstation, you will find a pile of Twilight figures. Several thousand miniature wings. And glue. Let the supervisor know if you need more glue. Or water. Or a quick break to go out into the alley and scream. Because I'm using that and I'm going to need a minute to clear out for you. Just know that... this is nopony's fault. We did everything we could. And no matter what happens, at least this is the last of it. I checked the licensing agreement. We're only obligated to make two waves. So it's this, and then it'll be a carbon copy. After that, we're out. And it's not as if anything else could happen."

"Okay. Say that again, more slowly, and with extra words. Exactly what is 'Rainbow Power'?"