Chapters Hello, My Name is Air Marshal
Chapter 1: The Holy Sneeze
Okay, let’s get this out of the way for all of you because I know exactly what you’re thinking. So let’s just get this out there, alright? I am not, nor ever have been, a Prince. I never was related to the Royal Sisters. I’m not their long-lost cousin, a science experiment gone wrong, was born from a virgin mother, nor earned this alicornhood by becoming enlightened in controlling air traffic or whatever those rumors may say about me.
I’m trying to write this in hopes that (while doubtful) maybe I could clear things up. Because it’s already stressful that guests keep constantly bowing to me as soon as they land on something solid. It doesn’t help me any if tourists are now flocking all over Equestria just to take a look at me like I’m a glorified freak show. And it doesn’t help squat when there’s a crazy cult that worships on the front lawn. So, I’m writing this to give you all the truth that comes directly from me.
For I’m going to lay out the truth of why I’m an alicorn.
It might come as a surprise to some of you that I wasn’t born into any royal family. Heck, my own folks weren’t even rich or anywhere near as influential. My parents were hardworking blue-collar ponies. Both of them pegasi, Dad got his hooves constantly dirty in construction while Mom was a plumber. We never lived in a castle or anything, just an apartment in Las Pegasus. Sure, it wasn’t at all fancy or nothing, but hey, it’s home. Even after I grew up and moved out to someplace modest but comfortable, the only thing open for me was directing balloons for tourists to come and go without crashing into anything.
“Air! Get off your flank! We’ve got royalty coming in!” This was the very line that started it all. The day before a horn popped from my forehead, our boss, Traffic Control, was trying to get us to move. Now don’t get the wrong impression, the boss isn’t the kind that’s constantly a pain in the flank. Before the incident, I could have said that his shouting was his own way of communicating. “Anytime this century, Air! They’re not gonna land themselves!” It’s just when the unexpected happens that he comes Tirek incarnate.
The job itself sounds easy on paper, doesn’t it? Just wave at the balloons with orange sticks until they get to the landing area. A comatose kitten could do my job if it were that easy. But no! Instead of giving each of these things a pilot to at least get these tourists to get them where they need to go, because that would be the common-sense thing to do – they instead let the wind drive them around. Logic at its best indeed!
Of course, that would mostly leave us pegasi to move them, regardless of the weather. Even if it’s hurricane season, where lightning, snow, hail and swimming pools worth of rain was being blown at our faces that could rip them right off, we have to do our job. My job, in particular, wasn’t to push the balloons, but rather to direct them to get them to the landing dock without getting them to crash on one of the hotels nearby. And to top it all, at that time of year, some members of the Royal family tend to come to Las Pegasus for a vacation in which it’s expected that absolutely nothing goes wrong, especially when it’s my responsibility to make sure that their mode of transport lands safely as quickly as possible.
So yeah, no pressure there.
But I’m getting off track.
On the landing platform, I could immediately see the great airship of the Royal Sisters coming in. It was rather hard not to miss it as the blimp that carried the gilded ship was the size of one of the hotels. But taking each stick into each wing, I signaled for the landing crew to make the right adjustments before the behemoth of an aircraft could land. Luckily for me, the weather was decent enough for the thing to dock without crashing into anything.
Oh, and I’ve forgotten to mention the crowd that was gathering behind me as I was guiding the ship. Every year, the locals (and by that I mean tourists) would hog all the space that wasn’t being kept behind a chain of Royal Guards would gather to see the royal sisters make their entrance. By the time the airship lowered the planks, red carpet, and rose petals, a good chunk of the population had crammed tightly into that one space.
Seeing my job was done, I stepped aside so the staff on board could carry out to make the final preparations for the grand royal entrance. Complete with guards with trumpets, adorable foals tossing a trail of flowers, cannons of golden confetti and glitter aimed upwards, and a choir ready to sing their hearts out. If you ask me, I’d say that all of this is a little over the top – but hey, I’m not the one that could raise the sun and moon every day.
One trumpeting fanfare that surely would make that nearby deaf later, the ye old Herald screams out: “HEAR YE! HEAR YE! PRESENTING THE NOBLE ROYAL SISTERS OF EQUESTRIA! PRINCESSES CELESTIA AND PRINCESS LUNA, GUARDIANS OF THE CELESTIAL BODIES, GUARDIANS OF PONYKIND, LADIES OF DEBATABLE EXUBERANCE, PROTECTORS OF…” Bla, bla, bla-bla, bla. Bla. So, after twenty-some-odd minutes of yelling, the star tourists finally walked out of the ship.
While the guards were trumpeting, the cannons of sparkly confetti and glitter exploded, and the choir sang praises to the two, we’ve finally got a good look at what the two alicorn sisters were wearing this year. Now, if any sane pony was to look at the two without all the flamboyant, loud, are-our-tax-bits-really-going-into-all-of-this entrance, the two of them wouldn’t seem that out of place of any tourist that I’ve seen. Both of them had one of those wide brim hats that matched their coat colors, had sunglasses, and had tasteful Horseolaian, flowery shirts that – in my honest opinion, look amazing on them. (Although to be fair, they are the prettiest mares in existence, they could go walking around wearing garbage bags and they still would look amazing.)
So they walk out onto the landing platform, both of them smile and wave politely to the cheering crowds as they do every year. For a moment, everything seemed to be going just fine. Nothing out of the ordinary, right? Well on that day, I thought so too.
That was until some of that golden glitter got up into Celestia’s nostrils. And as one would suspect, she sneezed hard. So much so, that her horn unexpectedly flared up, and upon instinct, tried to direct her nose (and horn) away from the crowd. Before I could react, a lightning bolt shot out from her and hit me. The last thing I remembered was that everything felt tingly and that my mouth tasted like gumdrops right before I passed out.
By the time I woke up, I was in a hospital bed. That alone would be off-putting for anypony, right? Just waking up to a room full of “Get Well Soon” cards, a few candy baskets and a large teddy bear in the corner would obviously raise many questions. But to have the Royal Sisters themselves in the said room raised more red flags than a hoofball game.
“Look! He’s waking up.” Princess Luna said as she and her older sister turned to look at me.
I, looking around the hospital room asked one simple question. “Uh… Did I miss anything? I think I’ve missed something.”
“Well…” Princess Celestia started but hesitated for a moment. “Air Marshal, correct?” I nodded. “Before you say or do anything, I want you to know that I am genuinely sorry.”
(Here’s a little tip: whenever you are in a hospital with someone you know that is there, please, never start a sentence like that. Because immediately when I heard that, I honestly thought she used her magic to turn me into a mare, turn my lower half on backward, or made me into a fish. Whenever you say that your mind will come up with some creative scenarios of what they’re talking about.)
My eyes must have shrunken to pinpricks when I heard that. “What did you do to me?” was the first thing I asked.
Both of the sisters looked at one another. “You made this mess,” Luna said sternly, “and it is your job to clean it up.”
With a sigh from Celestia, she returned her gaze towards me and said. “Mr. Marshal… I came to apologize for the… accident I’ve caused. Before you say anything, you’re not hurt in any way. You see, whenever I sneeze very hard, my magic tends to hiccup now and then. Most of the time, such things can be easily reversed. But… every so often, there would be a case in which I can’t exactly undo it without causing further damage. And I’m very sorry to say… Yours happens to be one of them.”
In a panic, I pulled off the blanket and sheet off of me. Only… Nothing seemed out of place. I was still a male, my coat color was fine, my tail was still there, and even my wings haven’t fallen off. “Why?” I asked. “What did you do? I don’t see anything wrong with me.”
Princess Luna lit up her horn and removed some water from a jug than held it up, creating a makeshift mirror. “Perhaps this would make things clearer,” she told me as she held the improvised mirror up to my face.
When I saw my reflection, I blinked. And blinked again. Then rubbed my eyes. And blinked again. “Is… Is that...?” I lifted a hoof to my forehead to see if I would feel it. I did. “That’s a horn… Why do I have a horn sticking out of my head?”
“Again, I am so sorry for this,” Celestia said. “I swear that this wasn’t intentional.”
But at that moment, I had only two thoughts that went through my head: I have a horn sticking out of my forehead; and, will my insurance cover for additional body parts? However, a third thought came to mind. “What do you mean you can’t reverse it?” I asked. “You’re Celestia. You have more magic than anyone in existence.”
“I may be the Princess of the Sun,” she replied, “but I’m not the Princess of Enchanted Surgery. It’s one thing to add new body parts onto a pony – it’s another when you have to remove it without causing any negative consequences. I may be powerful, but even if I could reverse what I’ve done, it would still be risky. Especially to remove a horn without causing any brain or nerve damage or leaving a stump on your head is beyond me. I’m sorry to say this, but there’s no way to reverse the fact that you’re an alicorn now.”
Out of all the things that I expected to happen to me… that wasn’t one of them.
“So…” Luna began. “After talking to my sister, we’ve thought that the least we could do is to give you some compensation for this whole accident. So, we think that the best way to apologize for all of this is to give you a royal position as a Prince of Equestria. With all the benefits that come with it.”
Now… I know that countless other ponies out there would probably take up this in a heartbeat. That they would sign their names away on any sort of contract if it guarantees to be on the same status as these two are. Having a palace packed full of servants. Being tax-free. Getting into the most exclusive clubs and restaurants in the land. Having so much money that you don’t know what to do with it. Getting laid every five seconds. Being unbelievably popular. All of that stuff.
However, unlike most ponies, I happen to have a brain. And said brain tells me that while it would be nice, I wasn’t raised to expect all of that. My parents taught me that you must become responsible for what you do and that the best things in life are earned.
So, I looked into the eyes of these two immortal sisters, and with a straight face, I told them: “No thanks.”
The room became quiet for about an hour or two.
“Uh…” Celestia said after blinking a few times. “What?”
“I said, no thanks,” I repeated. “I mean, just getting me to the hospital is more than enough as it is. And I can forgive that it was an accident, so there are no hard feelings there. But with that offer… I’m gonna have to refuse it.”
“But… why?” Luna questioned. “Mr. Marshal, I don’t know if you quite grasp what’s we’re giving you in compensation here. You’re given the once in a lifetime chance to become royalty. It’s something that doesn’t happen that often.”
“I’m aware of that.” I nodded. “But I’m also the guy that controls air traffic in and out of Las Pegasus. My education is as basic as it can be. I come from a humble background of hardworking ponies. Oh, and the fact that I don’t really pay attention to the news – I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near power like that. Ever. I may be not be that smart, but I’m not dumb either to accept things that I have no knowledge or experience over.”
“But… We can teach you!” Celestia insisted.
“Even if I did accept it, what would I be a Prince of anyway? Directing traffic? I just want to live my life. Work at my job. And deal with my own problems. I don’t need the special treatment if I didn’t earn it.” With that, I flung the covers off me so that I can get on my four hooves.
“Uh… Mr. Marshal?” Luna inquired. “Where are you going?”
After looking at a clock on the wall, I answered: “Well since I’ve already missed my work entirely, I’m going home.”
“But do you want some guards with you?”
I craned my neck over and raised an eyebrow. “What for? I’ve flown home many times before, I don’t need the special treatment.” With that, I left the room.
By the time I’ve reached the ground floor and into the lobby, I told the mare at the front desk to, “Just mail me the bill and I’ll pay it.” However, even when I gave her the address, the lady behind the desk stared at me. When she didn’t respond, I walked out of the hospital and started to make my way home. After all, with all that’s happened, what could go wrong from me doing just that?
Celestia, I can be stupid sometimes.
Hello, My Name is Air Marshal
Chapter 2: The Little Odyssey
In hindsight, I might have accepted the armed escort after all, or at least dig into a nearby garbage can to fish out for some clothes that would make me look like a hobo. Or maybe take my chances navigating in the back alleys, risking getting foalnapped or something. These ought to have been the things that a newly made alicorn should have thought about before flying home. I should have a split second thought that my horn might turn some heads like buzzing neon lights that say: Look! Flying Freak Show Now Flying on the Strip!
Too bad I didn’t think of that when I left the hospital. Since I’ve decided to go straight home, I should have kept in mind that there might be a problem as it’s right across town. Over the dragon’s den of tourists that might happen to look up.
Otherwise, I could have avoided what happened next.
“Hey look! It’s that new prince guy!”
Looking behind me, there was the flock of tourists with cameras already flashing. Before I knew it, my flight path was surrounded by them like locus to a tree. Before I could tell them to buzz off, one of them wrapped a foreleg around me. “Get my picture with him!”
“Me too!” Another said, pressing me in between an awkward pony sandwich before temporarily blinding me with a firing squad of flashes.
“So what are you a prince of?” One of them asked, unleashing a million other questions.
“Can Celestia make me an alicorn?”
“Have you been one this whole time?”
“Could I use you in a science experiment?”
“Can I get your autograph?”
“Are you Celestia or Luna’s son?”
“Can I have a lock of your mane?”
“Do you wanna go out with me?”
While the swarm ate away my attention span and my time, I couldn’t help but think: ‘Get a grip ponies! I just walked out of the hospital with a pointy bump on my head. Who do these guys think I am? Princess Twilight? Wait, no… That would mean she was popular, to begin with. ’
So, since I was still in the air, I did the only reasonable thing of getting out of this situation: fold up my wings and let me drop straight down like a brick. Yeah, I had to make a run for it now. I mean, besides the easily deranged, narcissistic (or both) who wouldn’t? I didn’t ask for a paparazzi to mob me. Even when said mob ends up chasing me.
“Wait! ” I heard someone cry. “I didn’t ask you how many foals you’ll have with me yet! ”
Needless to say, my priorities weren’t thinking about who says that to a complete stranger – rather, it’s to get away from them as possible. Luckily, as a native of the city, I knew a place where I might be able to hide in. A place where I was always able to go when I wanted to avoid the problems that follow me, where I could soothe my worries and silence all those bad days at my job.
The Drink-A-Way Bar.
A place that, while not by any means fancy or high end, has good service, cold drinks and (more importantly) I know the owner. In fact, as soon as I flew right through those double wooden doors, the very first thing I said to the guy behind the counter was, “HIDE ME!” before ducking in right behind the bar.
The barpony blinked. “Uh, sir? You’re not supposed to-” Immediately I reached into my orange work vest and held up a hoofful of bits.
“I promise to pay you double if you tell them I’m not here.”
“Why would you-” Before he could finish his question, the double doors banged open and I curled up underneath the counter, putting a hoof over my mouth. The barpony above me cleared his throat. “Welcome to Drink-A-Way’s, how can I help all of you?”
“Did you see an Alicorn come in?” I heard one of them asked.
Mercifully, the barpony played innocent. “I’m sorry, what are you talking about?”
“Did anypony came in just now?”
“Not really. It’s been kinda quiet here, all of you are the first batch of customers I’ve seen come in.”
“Did he turn himself invisible?” I heard another asked.
“Must be.” Said another. “Ooh, that new prince must be powerful if he could pull off something like that.”
I had to resist the urge to bang my head against the wooden paneling. But I knew better to do that if they wanted to see an impaling horn sticking out on the other side.
“You could always check out back.” The barpony suggested. “If whoever you’re looking for had snuck out, perhaps he might have gone out there.”
“C’mon!” One of them shouted. “Let’s go before he gets away!”
After the stampede left, I looked up at the barpony. “Are they gone? ” I whispered.
“All is clear. You can come out now.” After peeking my head out to see that the lunatics were gone, I took out the rest of the bits and gave it to him. “Hey,” he said, “aren’t you that guy that Celestia-”
“Accidentally.” I interrupted. “She accidentally did this to me. I was just trying to get away from… whatever that was.”
“Since when did you become famous all of a sudden?” This voice was one I recognized. There, walking through his office, an ancient guy composed entirely of wrinkles, grayness, and baldness was one of the very few friends I have in Las Pegasus. While everyone jokes about his name, Mr. Hangover was one of those guys that’s a whole lot more interesting than he looks. Even before his maneline was moving further back, he would tell stories of all the crazy things that happened to him in Las Pegasus from meeting Den Maretan in person to how he stopped his store being robbed single-hoofed. He was the kind of guy that he had as many stories about his past as he does wrinkles. “Seriously Air, since when do you have the paparazzi after…” he trailed off as soon as he laid eyes on me. “Huh… Now there’s something you don’t see every day.”
“Yeah, so I’ve noticed.” I deadpanned.
He went around me in a circle, no doubt looking at my wings and horn. He even tapped the spiral bump on my head to see if it was real. “Huh… Ya know, of all the things that I’d expected you to end up being… this isn’t one of them.”
I raised an eyebrow. “That I would become famous in a few hours?”
Hangover shrugged. “In this town, you only get that kind of attention if you win it big at a casino, got lucky with a celebrity on camera or you won a big lottery check that you’re gonna use it to go to Whinnyland. This…” He waved a hoof at me. “This wasn’t what I had in mind.”
“Whatever, Mr. Hangover, I need help getting home without being spotted. Do you have something or know somepony that could get me to my house without encountering another mob of psychos?”
Tapping his chin in thought, he replied. “Well… I guess I could… But you’re not gonna like it.”
“What?”
“I mean, knowing your sense of pride, you’re really are not gonna like it.”
With a snort, I said to him: “Hangover, right now I’m trying to avoid being torn into pieces so that tourists could take leftovers of me home with them. I don’t think my pride would matter as much as just surviving to get home. Ya know, I don’t care if you have to put me in a dress if ya have to, I just wanna go home.”
(Here’s another tip: if you believe in karma, and you say out loud the worst-case scenario after something weird happens of going from bad to what-am-I-looking-at, the universe will take up the challenge and multiply it several times over.)
Ten minutes later, I walk out of Mr. Hangover’s office with a permanent frown and a purple bunny suit. Yes, you read that right! A purple, cartoony, cutesy, a-little-too-tight-around-the-flank bunny suit. While it didn’t hide the horn poking out of my head, it did, however, hide my wings. The very first thing to come out of my mouth as soon as I walked out was, “Why do you have this thing around in your office?”
“What can I say?” He shrugged. “It’s a hit on Bunny Days. The customers get a good laugh, I get more money, and everypony would be too drunk to remember the next day. I know it’s embarrassing, but it should help you a little.”
“How? By walking out in public like a dork?”
“This is Las Pegasus, there are more weirdos per-capita than Ponyville. They’re plenty of cosplayers and partiers in costumes running around, so you walking around out like that shouldn’t stand out too much.”
“I’d beg to differ .” I muttered.
“Hey, it’s either this or facing your fans.”
One cringe-worthy moment later, I started heading out the door. “Thanks for letting me borrow this.”
“Just don’t get it torn, ya hear?” He called out. “I want it back anyway.”
So out into the evening with a scowl on my face. Mr. Hangover was right about Las Pegasus, that when it is dusk – that’s when the weirdos come out. As much as I wish I could simply fly over all of this or know how to use my horn to just teleport into my living room, I had to walk for several blocks. There has never been a more humiliating moment in my whole life than that night of going through the brightly lit streets in a purple bunny suit – in front of everypony .
From street to street, step by step, I hated every moment of it. From the strange looks from tourists that drew their kids away from me – to the partiers that wanted to take my picture, scowl and all. But the worst of all, however, was going pass the Big Top Casino when I was flagged down by a group of ponies. Who they too were in bunny suits.
“Hey! Where are you going?” The one that stopped me was a mare that was in a full suit that was bright yellow with an even brighter pink face sticking out – the kind of colors that you’d get migraines just by looking at it. “This is the right place.”
I blinked. “Uh… What?”
“I take that you’re new.” She took my hoof and dragged me inside. “I take it that there might have been a mix-up? Well don’t worry, you’ve found the right place. The hall is right through here.”
By now you’re probably wondering how come I didn’t try to at least ask her what she was talking about, or that I was going someplace else. This is simply because this gal was so excitable, so energetic, and so bouncy that she kept on talking before I could get a word out. Like she was a little kid that hasn’t calmed down from a sugar high while downing twelve energy drinks for good measure. Plus, it didn’t help that she happened to have a surprisingly good grip as she hopscotched inside and into an enormous conference hall.
Now… I’m fully aware that Las Pegasus is the pilgrimage destination for all sorts of conventions that cover practically everything from holiday celebrations to cult devotions. I’ve heard that the hotels on the strip tend to cover things from sweet and innocent such as “Adorable Pets Week” to as extreme as the infamous “Whips, Chains and Paddles Festival.” As they’re pretty much open to anything as long as the sponsors of said events are able to pay for rental space. And sometimes, there are rumors of them just hosting the plain weird stuff.
So it’s within good reason that I place the “Ponies in Bunny Suits Night” into the latter category. As soon as I was dragged in, I was drowning in a sea of these weirdos as far as the eye can see in every color of the rainbow… and perhaps even beyond that. Everything bunny related to stuff animals to panels of… questionable fan art was all there for sale while I was caught up in the currents of ponies in these ridiculous customs and suits that may have been even more cartoony than what I was wearing.
The only thought I had that went through my head in that place was: ‘…. Am I in Wonderland right now?’
Seriously, I half expected to see the Mad Hatter and Alice come walking by as I was trying to swim my way out of this surreal vortex of a filly’s scribblings of her obsession. However, as I found out, getting into “Ponies in Bunny Suits Night” was the easy part – getting out, however, was like something out of a game show. First I have to swim across a lake of multi-colored suits. Then I have to bunny hop my way across the dance floor. Duck under the Bunny Hole ball toss, tango around the flying carrot ring toss, move aside the Bunny Dunk tank, eat my way through the land of chocolate eggs and cotton candy, hurl into the can with the smiling rabbit, and avoid the little foals that wanted a ride on my back.
Luckily for me, going through the convention lead to a shortcut home. All that was left was for me to tread through blocks of more suburban houses were hardly any tourists would dare come by unless they were surely lost. Mercifully my neighborhood doesn’t usually go outside of their homes as I walked down the street towards my house. As much as I would like to gallop home to slam the door and probably stay there until the world forgets about the New Alicorn until Celestia sneezes and makes a new one.
Anyway, just as I was reaching the front door and had my hoof out, praying that nothing else I have to deal with would pop up before I go straight to bed, I heard: “What’s with the bunny suit, Air?”
Every single curse word imaginable went through my head before I turned my head over my shoulder. I couldn’t believe I forgot that it was around this time of night that my neighbor, Garlic Grill, would be taking out the trash. The guy was putting a garbage bag into the can with his wing when I looked at him.
“Oh… Uh, evening Mr. Grill.” I awkwardly waved at him. “I just uh… had a really crazy day is all.”
“Huh… I see.” He said as he put a lid on the can. “I heard you’re an Alicorn now.”
“What uh…” I rubbed the back of my neck. “Where’ve you heard that?”
“Well, Mrs. Mallet said that Celestia turned you into one this afternoon. Plus, it must be true as that horn is sticking out.” Oh yeah… I forgot about that. “So… are ya a Prince or something now?”
“Oh, C'mon, this?” I pointed at the pointy bump on my head, “This doesn’t change anything. It’s still me with the same old job. The only thing that changed is my appearance. It’s not that big of a deal.”
He rolled his eyes. “Okay, I can get that you’re in denial. Still, it doesn’t explain why you’re dressed like that guy in a Hearth’s Warming story?”
I groaned. “Look, I just needed a disguise to get me home without getting mugged.”
“You sure that you’re not trying to?”
“Point being! I had a really long day and I’d like to go to sleep now.”
Just before I could reach for the doorknob, I heard him say: “One more question – if you’re an alicorn now, does this mean you’ll be getting a raise?”
Craning my head back with a deadpan expression, I replied. “For what? Getting an unpoppable zit from that grew out of my skull? Knowing my boss, if your own vacation days are at his mercy, I highly doubt that me being an alicorn would do anything other than getting yelled at for not working after being struck by Celestia’s electrotherapy. Goodnight, Mr. Grill.”
After dragging myself through the front door, locking it, and getting the stupid suit off, I collapsed on my bed and promptly fell asleep.
Hello, My Name is Air Marshal
Chapter 3: Of Cults and Job Difficulties
The next morning, I woke up with a jot as I realized that I smelt something burning. At first, I thought something was on fire there was no smoke anywhere in the house. For a while, I had no idea what it was as there was something sickly sweet burning. However, my nose led me towards the front door where the scent was strongest. When I opened the door, a smoke screen of the stuff stung my vision, unleashed a coughing fit and set up the smoke alarm.
“He has awakened!” a voice called out before a cheer was heard. After flapping my wings to clear the smoke, I was able to see what was on my cloud lawn. While there wasn’t a lot of them, they did take up most of my clouds in which they all wore white sheets and horseshoes on their heads with only a headband to hold them up. Looking down on the porch, I found the two jars that have been making the smoke bombs.
“Put those out,” I told them, “are you trying to smoke me out?”
“Our Lord has awakened from his slumber.” The first of these crazies to come up to me was a yellow guy who had a dreadlock blue mane and a smiley face as a cutie mark. “A blessed morning, Your Holiness, I am Euphoria. The designated prophet of your newly born religion.”
I blinked. “I have been an alicorn for less than a day and already you guys formed a cult over me?”
“Oh, these are your local disciples,” he waved to the other loony toons, “they were the ones to witness your ascension so they’re the first to join. But fear not, we shall gather more to spread the good word that a new god is among us!”
The cult cheered at this.
With a frown on my face, I only said, “Nope,” before swiftly turning around, slamming the door and going about my morning routine.
Of course, the wackos kept knocking on my door. “Your Holiness? What’s wrong? Are you not pleased with us? Should have we gotten you sacrifice or an offering? ”
Hearing that, I had to open a window to stick my head out. “Don’t think about doing anything blood-related, the neighbors will call the cops if it happened on my property,” I said before shutting and locking the window.
“But most anointed one, ” I hear Prophet Grass-for-Brains plead, “if you are angry at us, then give us a commandment to cleanse ourselves for whatever sin we’ve committed. ”
“How about getting off my lawn?” I said aloud. “I didn’t invite any of you guys to invade.”
Then… silence. Before I could fix breakfast, I had to stop and listen as there was nothing coming from the outside. At first, I thought they did the smart thing and leave me in peace. That was until I peeked through the curtain to find the Children of the Cornfield simply moved their communion towards the sidewalk. All staring directly at my house.
“Exiting through the backyard it is,” I said to myself as I returned to showering, putting on my orange vest and eating some eggs on toast before locking everything except the back door to quietly slip away through the clouds. Essentially, trying to dig a tunnel all the way to my work.
So after poking my head out a few times to make sure I didn’t make a wrong turn at Albuquerque, I popped out near the landing area. So after dusting off some cloud, I went up to the check-in office to punch my card in. However, before I could get my sticks and step out, I heard my boss’s voice say in a calm voice, “Air Marshal, can I see you before you get to work?”
As weird as it may sound, that professional toned voice actually scares me. Remember how I say that he communicates by shouting? The only time my boss wouldn’t shout is if either something really serious has happened – or that he’s about to fire you. So with dread, I walked into his cramped office of filing cabinets and a tiny desk, that he sat behind walls of paperwork and stamps like a hoarding rat. “Close the door on the way in,” he said, “I’d like to talk to you.”
With dread, I did before taking a seat in the coffin of a room. “Am I in trouble, sir?”
“Far from it.” He said, without looking up from the mountains of paperwork. “How are you feeling? They said that you walked out of the hospital last night.”
“I’m doing fine. Is there a problem?”
With a snort, he pulled up a newspaper. “I’d say it’s the opposite. Have you seen this?”
Flopping it in front of me, I saw my picture with the headline: Alicorn of Las Pegasus. Along with its subtitle: Celestia Makes First Male Alicorn.
“It says that you refused Celestia’s offer for a royal position.” My boss said.
“So?”
Now, he looked up from the mountain range of paper. “So? I’m a little puzzled why you of all ponies just said ‘No ’ to Celestia with a once in a lifetime offer. I mean, what gives? You got a horn sticking out now and you turn down the highest position in the land?”
“And why not? I didn’t think I’ve earned it.” Now, staring me in the eye, he looked stern for a moment before he… laughs. That was even more unnerving. “W-What’s so funny?”
“You’re rich,” he said between fits of laughter, “You just became the first male alicorn in Equestrian history, and you don’t think you’ve earned being a prince!”
“But it’s true. What happened back there was an accident, you can’t make me a prince or anything if I don’t… ya know… deserve to be.”
He managed to calm down, “But… you’re an alicorn. Everypony knows that alicorns always become royalty. That’s just… common sense.”
“Oh really?” I raised an eyebrow. “So because you’re a Pegasus, it should be common sense to me to think that you should be a cloud pusher.”
Now his expression changed to realization. “Hey, I didn’t mean like-”
“Yes, you did.” I narrowed my eyes. “In fact, why did you want me here? Are you going to fire me or something.”
For a moment, he looked like he tasted plot. “I… What? Air, are you insane? Me firing you? If anypony found out that I fired an alicorn that’s part of my staff, Las Pegasus would demand my head on a silver plate.”
“Okay, fine.” I folded my forelegs. “So what do you want anyway? I’ve got to get to the landing area.”
“Well hold on, I just wanna ask ya if you’d… like a raise or something?”
I spent a good minute staring at him. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with my boss?”
“Hey, I’m being serious here.”
“So am I.” I narrowed my eyes. “The real Traffic Control wouldn’t give you a raise or a different position unless you bust your flank ten times over while carrying Prince Blueblood across Equestria while enduring his whiny complaints.”
A flash of anger was on his face before he closed his eyes and breathed deeply. “I’m just gonna ignore that. But I am serious, would you like to have a raise at least?”
“Why? What have I done for a raise? Just let Celestia zap me for a horn to appear from my forehead?”
“Uh…”
“Ya know what?” I stood up. “While you can sit there claiming that you don’t assume or aren’t tribalist all you want, I on the other hoof, still got a job to do. If I deserved special treatment, then I have to have done something that’s worthy of it. So, if you excuse me, Boss, I have to get to work.”
With that, I turned tail and headed out to the landing area to trade out the sleepy gal waving the sticks around. As expected, she’s almost asleep as I tapped her awake on the shoulder. “It’s my shift now,” I said to her as she nervously nodded, and I took her place. But as I did so, I couldn’t help but notice that from the corner of my eye, she gave a bow before backing away. As much as it irked me, I still have a job to do.
Since at the time I had no idea how to use my magic yet, I still held the sticks, one in each wing to guide the balloons to safety. Almost immediately, I fell into my usual routine as my eyes scanned the sky for arrivals into the city. As soon as one of the team catches hold of one of the balloons and it’s up to me to get them to where they needed to be. Since the wind wasn’t blowing that hard, the job was easier to do.
The first balloon to land had these old ladies, four of them, with a red stallion. I noticed as they were leaning over the side, I spotted they were wearing the t-shirts that had a golden horseshoe on it. Now, during my years in doing this job, these ladies always came to Las Pegasus like clockwork. It’s something to expect to see the Golden Horseshoe Gals, one of the most exclusive groups in town to arrive. Always at the end of July, always with the red stallion guy, and always land here excited to come to the city.
However, as soon as they spotted me, even after I guided their ride to the landing area, they all stared at me. Especially this one old lady that looked at me like how a starved kid would at an ice cream cake. When they landed, she came up to me as they unloaded their luggage.
“Are you new, handsome?” She asked, lowering her eyes to bedroom eyes mode.
“Uh… no?” I answered awkwardly. “I’ve been doing this for a long time now.”
“Funny, I never noticed an alicorn like yourself working here, out here, when things get hot.”
‘Oh Celestia, is she…? ’ I thought to myself, my face in disgust. “Ma’am, I’ve got a job to do, so why don’t you and your friends just enjoy Las Pegasus for a while.”
“What? We don’t have many plans anyway.” She said, placing her ancient, wrinkly than a rotten apple hoof on my vest. “Mind telling us when you get off? I’m sure that I and the gals could show ya a good time.”
I, on my part, gave her a flat look. “Not even if you try to pay me.”
“Hey, you bed hopping relic.” one of the other ladies, a much older one with a white mane tied up with a light green coat called out. “Leave the fella alone! Let’s go to our hotel so we could catch the ten o’clock show.”
As much as I wanted to thank that angel of mercy, the temptress slid a card into my vest pocket and said, “Just come by to the hotel if you want some sugar ,” before hobbling off. Even after all of that, I still felt dirty. And I did keep the card, only to make sure I get a restraining order. While I don’t know if that was sexual harassment or not, but Luna’s moonlit plot… that made me want to retch.
At least I could count my blessings that the other arrivals only bowed to me at a distance. That none of them tried to flirt with me after… whatever that was.
Hours later when it was time for me to leave, I had to think of a way to figure out how to get home without repeating the previous night. So, this left me with the only option of calling for a taxi. It was there that I quickly found that there was an advantage to being an alicorn, that even in the world’s worst traffic where it’s all bumper to bumper with sky carriages, just me lifting a wing was able to get fifteen taxies to be pulled up to me.
“Need a ride?” The one nearest me asked. I raised an eyebrow to the fact that his taxi was already occupied with a mare in a cheap, white wedding gown and a stallion in a t-shirt of a tuxedo.
“Aren’t you a little full?” I questioned.
The driver, without looking behind, flipped the carriage over in which the newlyweds fell off screaming through the clouds. “Not right now, it isn’t.”
In concern, I peeked my head through the clouds to see the bride’s dress had puffed up like a parachute while the husband screamed like a filly in the arms of the mare. While they drifted down safely, the lady looked up with a death glare before I returned my attention towards the driver.
“So, where do you need to go?” The attempted murder of a driver asked me.
“Do you do that to all of your…”
He waved a hoof. “I’m sure they’ll be fine. Still, Your Highness, where did you need to go?”
Instead of answering him, I went to the next taxi that his carriage was empty when it got here. “1993 Cloudline Way,” I told him, “and I’d like to be there before any weirdos show up.”
My saner driver nodded and starts to head into traffic as I pulled some blinds down so I wouldn’t be seen in public. Luckily for me, the ride wasn’t that long as he took to the air and flew me to my house. Suspiciously empty of any trace of evidence of the cult from that morning.
I was about to pay the driver when I realized that I didn’t have any bits on me. The guy told me to not to worry about it as it was apparently in honor of him to give me a ride. But frankly, I think it’s because I was an alicorn.
So anyway, I trotted up to my front door, opening it to find that the room beyond wasn’t empty. It still smelled of that smoke stuff from earlier, everything inside was strangely clean, there were offerings of horseshoes on the couch and the cult from earlier was in the kitchen worshipping my toaster.
In fact, that prophet guy, Euphoria, held up said toaster like it was a sacred artifact. “Behold! The contraption in which toasted our Lord’s bread until it was a golden brown.”
As the nutcases said their oohs and aahs, I marched in screaming. “WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK YOU’RE DOING?! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
“He has returned!” One of them said before stampeding over to the living room. “We were worried you may not come back.”
“That’s it, stop it!” I shouted. “All of you! Just stop! You all got five seconds to tell me what all of you think you’re doing in my house before I call the police.”
“Oh, it’s quite simple.” Prophet Fruitcake pushed his way towards the front. “You didn’t answer us as we said our prayers to you, that, and you gave no commandment about going into the backyard to see if you were still there. Besides, the back door was unlocked.”
I facehoofed. I can’t believe that I’ve forgotten about that. But he continued.
“We have cleaned this sacred temple from ceiling to floor and arranged these sacred items to their preordained places.”
My ears went straight up in alarm. “You mean you guys went through my stuff?!”
“What? You don’t expect these sacred items to be on the floor.” The cult murmured in agreement. “Especially in the chamber in which you rest. But don’t worry, we’ve cleared all the clutter, and blessed all the rest from the cotton sheets to the magazine that was tucked between the mattresses.”
Now my coat went white.
“Really, Your Holiness,” one of them said, “We didn’t think you were into-”
“OUT!!!” I roared, flying behind all of them and shoving them out of the front door.
“But my Lord,” Euphoria protested, “we didn’t get the chance to bless the shampoo-”
“Get out of my house!” I yelled as I pushed them all through the door and slamming it.
After making sure all the locks were secured and the blinds were drawn, I sat down for dinner for a quiet evening of listening to the radio and the cult trying to repent from the sidewalk.
Hello, My Name is Air Marshal
Every Saturday (my day off) I faithfully practice a little ritual in which I would fix up some potato salad and head over to see my parents for lunch. However, being an alicorn, I had to figure out a way to get to their apartment without anyone trying to stop me to worship the bowl of cold potatoes in my hooves. So, I came up with a plan in which sounds something like out of a spy film.
First, I had to set up a dummy on the couch that was made up of pillows, rope, a mophead, and an empty ice cream cone. All of which I laid it down on the couch with a blanket on to cover it up while turning on the radio. After that, I placed a glass of orange juice, a wad of tissues and some pills by the table. Then to complete the illusion, I let just enough light in through the windows to make it look like I was having a sick day.
Next, I had to slip out in the backyard (locking the door this time) and dig my way towards my rendezvous point with a taxi that was a few blocks away. From there with each stop, I had to hop onto another carriage from taxi, to taxi, to limousine, to taxi, to go-cart, to bakery cart, to a rental self-propelled helicopter, to parachute, and then to a taxi. I had hoped that maybe doing all this transportation acrobatics might throw off the trail of anyone that’s trying to follow me. All the while, I held onto that bowl in plastic wrap as if it were a national treasure.
Yet, even with this traffic gymnastics, I was still able to arrive at my parents’ apartment complex on time. As one of many of them that were made near the edge of the cloud city, each one is a cookie cutter building with balconies out in front with few decorations to put on these enormous blocks. However, I knew very well which one of these bland buildings, which floor and which apartment that my parents lived in.
And so up the stairs and down the hallway to knock on the door. Within a moment, my Mom, Aqua Pipe, answered unlocked the deadbolts and opened it. Now, if there’s anything you need to know about my mother is that she takes no bull crap from anyone and no one. Be it a lie or your own stupidity, she will be the first to come and call you out on it. In fact, as soon as she opened the door and saw me, the first words to come out of her mouth were: “Thanks for leaving the hospital before we could arrive.”
“Well hello to you too, Mom,” I replied stepping in. “I brought the potato salad.”
“Is that Air?” I hear dad’s voice coming from the kitchen. He entered into the dining room/living room to hug me. This was his usual greeting, not just to us family but to anyone, friends, co-workers, public officials, anypony really. Aerate Guide, my dad, used to lead construction teams to build the hotels in Las Pegasus until he retired but treated everyone he meets as if they were longtime buddies.
In response, I hugged him back. “Hey, dad. Where do you want the salad?”
“Just give that to me.” He said as he took the bowl. “Still, your mom is right, where were you? We found out that you were in the hospital only to find that you just walked right out.”
“Hey, I didn’t know you were coming. Plus, I had to hide in public because they see me as a god or something.” I went over to collapse on the couch. “In fact, I had to switch in twelve different taxis just to make sure nopony was following me.”
“I take it that you have fans now?” Mom asked.
“And a cult that won’t get off my lawn? Why yes I do.”
She gave a little bit of thought for a moment before answering, “To be fair, if I had that kind of attention that won’t leave me alone, I probably would be paranoid too.”
“So, I’ve been meaning to ask,” Dad said as he placed the potato salad on the table. “How are you faring?”
“Apart from being mugged by ponies that want to either have my picture with them or to have foals with, going incognito, having a cult that worships my toaster and I get taxi rides for free all because of the horn from my head – not so bad.”
While my parents were getting out the food to be placed on the table, Mom commented, “Ya know, since you have a horn now, don’t you think you should learn how to use it since you have it?”
“Like who?”
“Ms. Spades downstairs, Layout Design from the grocery store, the Princesses maybe. Just ask anypony with a horn.”
I raised an eyebrow. “The Princesses? If I recalled, one of them got me into this mess, to begin with.”
“Now wait a minute.” She trotted over to the couch, looking straight down at me. “Last time I checked, they tried to offer you to become a prince, as well to teach you a bunch of other stuff.”
I groaned. “Mom, I won’t say yes to it.”
“Why not?” she questioned.
“I know that I’m smart enough not to get into politics. And even if I was, I don’t think I’ve earned anything to run a country.” After a snort, I added, “Besides, if I did, I’m pretty sure that Equestria would be on fire within the first five minutes.”
Mom, however, wasn’t buying it. “So? Have you seen our politicians lately?”
“Oh yes, because if there’s anyone that pays attention to current events, it’s me.” I deadpanned.
“Maybe you don’t need to become a prince,” Dad suggested. “Since you’re an alicorn now, I think it might be best to go to the princesses to at least give you the basics like magic and such.”
“That’s actually a good point.” Mom agreed. “Even if you feel unworthy for the job, you at least should ask them some pointers while they’re still in town.”
“I don’t know…”
“You might as well,” Dad told me. “Even if you don’t think you’re worthy, you might as well ask them about how to deal with whatever you’re going through. Now, can you go out to the balcony? I got carrots and onions that are caramelizing on the grill.”
Getting up, I grabbed a pair of tongs and a plate before I opened the glass sliding door to step out.
“OH THERE HE IS!!! THE CHOSEN ONE HAS EMERGED!!!” Shouted the army of voices. Looking straight down, to my horror, I found the entire cloud that the apartment complex rested on was completely swamped in ponies in white sheets and horseshoes on their heads. There were so many of them that it was a miracle that we haven’t capsized over. As soon as I saw them, I darted back into the dining room and closed the blinds.
“What was that?” Mom asked.
“Remember that I’ve mentioned about a cult that’s on my front lawn? Well, they’ve multiplied.”
“Huh?” Dad peaked through the kitchen window and gave a low whistle. “It looks more crowded than a Sapphire Shores concert.”
“Hang on,” Mom said, “are these the ponies that…” she paused as she didn’t see me. “Air?”
Peeking out of the closet, I told her, “Let me know when they’ve gone away.”
I saw Mom frowned. “Son, you can’t expect to be in the closet forever.”
“As long as those fruit loops are still out there, oh yes I can!”
“Air. Ugh…” She facedhoof. “This is getting ridiculous. You’re a full-grown pony, just go out there and tell them to go away. And if that doesn’t work, then call the police.”
“To tell them what? That there are worshipers following me because they can’t think for themselves because I’m an alicorn?”
“It’s called taking responsibility.”
“No, it’s called suicide if I step out that door.”
“Oh for the love of…” I watched as she marched over to the sliding doors to pull open the blinds and push the door open to calling out. “Now you all listen here! He’s not the chosen one, he’s a very stubborn colt! Now go away!”
“WHO ARE YOU?!”
“I’m his mom, that’s who!”
There was a pause, no doubt to look at one another before exclaiming. “BEHOLD, HIS MOTHER! BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! OH, HAIL SHE, MOTHER OF A GOD! BLESSED ART THOU! OH, PRAISE SHE! NOW AND ALWAYS!”
“Mom! Please step away from the crazies!” I called out from the closet.
“Now hold on a second,” Dad said as he did the not so smart thing and stepped outside, “What do you want?!”
“WHOSE HE!?”
“My husband.” Mom not so smartly said, which caused me to impale the closet door with the horn.
As expected the fruitcakes cheered: “BEHOLD HIS FATHER! BEHOLD HIS FATHER! OH HAIL THE PARENTS OF HEAVEN!”
“Oh for the love of…” I got my horn unstuck as I came out of hiding just in time to see the factory producer of nutcases, Euphoria hovering near the balcony where my folks were giving them something from a sack.
“Mom, Dad, get away from him!” I told them as I stepped through onto the balcony.
“Ah, my Lord.” Prophet Off-His-Rocker grinned. “We were so worried that you were ill. But thankfully we found you here in good health and with your blessed parents.”
“What are you doing?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” He said as he lifted the sack. “I’m here to give you and they these offerings from your devoted followers.”
“What offerings?” my parents and I asked at once. Eagerly, I put the sack on the floor of the cloud balcony and took out five different bottles of really expensive wine; an elaborate candy basket of more chocolate bars, hard candy, soft candy, liquorice, candied fruit, candied vegetables, and sweet syrups in wax bottles than you could possibly imagine in one oversized basket; a box of incense (the same kind that smoked me out the other day); and some random stuff such as a hoof-stitched doll of me; a book of hymns; a fruit basket; and the rest were horseshoes.
Mom asked what was with the horseshoes. “They are a symbol of our Lord’s Cutie Mark. A holy symbol of humility, hard work, and simplicity. Oh! And I almost forgot.” He reached into the back and before I could react, he put a leafy hat on my head. “For you, my Lord.”
“Huh…” I looked up at what was placed on me. “What is it?”
“A crown made out of our most sacred herb. The holiest of plant that has been woven together for you to show our devotion.”
Taking the thing off, I had a closer look. Even dad looked over my shoulder and said, “I never seen a plant like this before. Where did it come from?”
“Straight from the Bahamares, flown overnight and carefully delivered from one of its island’s most sacred herb.”
“Which is?” I raised an eyebrow.
“The Island of Mary-Eye-Wanna.”
It should be noted that as soon as I heard that, I immediately gave it back to him. “Are you trying to get me arrested? Isn’t this stuff illegal?”
“Not if it’s for religious prepossess it isn’t. Everypony knows that you could do practically and say anything you like that as long as you cite it has a religious reason, it makes it okay, silly god.”
My eye twitched. “I’m not a god, would you please listen as that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! I’m not a god of anything! Honestly!”
He smiled. “Only a true god would deny his divinity.”
“What?” Mom spoke up. “What sort of logic is that? My colt is many things, but a god isn’t one of them. So why don’t you take his word for it?”
“I say he’s a chosen god,” he replied, “I should know, I’ve followed a few.”
“Look, buddy,” Dad stepped up, “as much as we appreciate the gifts and the literal cult following, you should give him some space. And instead just give the attention to us.”
“Dad!”
“What? It isn’t every day that you get a multitude that gives you free stuff.”
“Ooh!” Prophet Weed-Smoke-for-Brains wagged his tail like a dog. “Then we could have two more rooms for the temple I have in mind.”
This catches Mom’s attention. “You’re building a temple?”
“Well… not yet. Still, need to scrounge up some funds and all that. But I vow that we would construct a grand temple for you three to dwell in. One of gold, and horseshoes, and sacred herbs that will last for a thousand years.”
There was a moment of silence when Mom raised a hoof. “Would it have cable TV?”
“That and more.”
Both Mom and Dad looked at each other for a brief moment before both saying: “We’re in.”
“Mom! Dad!” I complained. “What are you doing? These guys are nutcases.”
“Nutcases that would give us a better retirement than this place.” Mom said as she waved a hoof. “We’ve been working our flanks off all our lives and nothing like this ever happens to us.”
“Besides…” Dad looked over the multitude of cuckoo birds, in which as he waved, they waved back. “They seem nice enough.”
“Oh c’mon!” I whined. “Aren’t you the same guys that taught me that stuff like this should be earned?”
“Sure.” My Dad replied. “But we also believed in karma, that if we do enough good enough things and worked hard at our honest jobs, then something good will happen eventually. And I must say that this might be one of them.”
“Dad, this isn’t out of hard work, this came about from a freak accident!”
“I agree.” Said a new voice. We were so busy going back and forth that we failed to notice the golden chariot being pulled up with a white Alicorn in it. “Oh, and by the way, something is burning on the grill.”
“Oh crap!” Dad swiftly turned around the grill, lifting the lid up to the smoky remains of charred onions and carrots. “I can’t believe I have forgotten all about it.”
“My Lady,” Euphoria said turning to her, bowing, “such an honor to have you-”
“Say another word of praise and I’ll impale you.” It was kinda surreal to have Celestia, motherly figure and sunshine incarnate to say something so threatening. Thankfully, this did manage to shut him up as he turned to me. “We have been looking all over Las Pegasus for you, and I was hoping that my sister and I would like to have a word with you before we return home to Canterlot.”
“If this has anything to do with becoming a-” She lifted a wing.
“I promise you it’s nothing of the sort. I just wanted to talk.” She then turned to my folks. “These are your parents, I presume?” They nodded. “Oh, I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything important.”
“Well, except having lunch being burned and the freak show down there.” I waved over to the multitude of ponies. “Nothing much.”
“Ah, I see. Here, how about we have lunch where my sister and I are staying. It would give us some privacy and you still get to have a meal.”
After a quick glance that Mom and Dad give, my parents hopped aboard the flashy chariot. And with a sigh, I told them that I’ll go get the potato salad.
Hello, My Name is Air Marshal
Chapter 5: Lunch with Princesses
I know how much ponies tend to look up to the Royal Sisters. That many would see Princess Celestia or Luna as these perfect beings in which every little thing they do is out of wisdom, that they’re the incarnation of kindness itself, that they are above us mortal folks in every way that they live in a completely different world, and that their urine would cure cancer. Yeah, I know the kind, and I admit, I had thought about that way of them too.
But let me tell you that, as incredible as it may sound – they’re just like us. I know that may sound blasphemous to you overly devout folks out there, no doubt screaming your heads off, tossing this book in the nearest fireplace and then make a petition for the resignation of my “Godhood” that I never got in the first place. But it’s true. I and my parents have seen it with our own eyes.
And I mean it, once you look past their wealth, the armies of servants and guards, the finest of food that could ever be offered up, and even the royal regalia, they’re just two normal ponies underneath that just happened to be rulers of a country. When we were carried off to their hotel suite and show to a table, my parents were stunned to find Princess Luna walking in without her famous crown on her head nor her signature black boots.
“Why are you gawking like that?” I remember her asking. “You didn’t expect me to wear our regalia everywhere we go, do you?”
“Forgive us, Your Highness,” Dad said, “it’s just that we’re so used to seeing you wear your crown and all that to see you without is…”
She smirked as she rolled her eyes. “I know, we’re never allowed to go anywhere in public without those things. At least Princess Twilight only does so on occasion. But honestly, do you want to go around all day and night long wearing very heavy, awkward, uncomfortable neck pieces and metal boots without any padding where you’re wearing them knowing that your subjects would start a revolution if you’re caught without it, you would be giddy to fling them off, too.” Then without ceremony, she plopped herself down between my parents and asked her sister. “So, Tia, are we going to have those tacos or not?” The three of us stared at her. “What?”
“Now there’s something I thought I’d never hear you say.” Mom replied. “Aren’t tacos a street food? I mean, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t think you’d eat those.”
“And why ever not? They are scrumptious. Tia, is there a rule that we couldn’t eat tacos?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Celestia called out from a bedroom she entered in. “Tacos are delicious with queso fresco and chipotle. If there was such a rule, then I would go on strike by refusing to raise the sun. But then again, I always hated the smell of overcooked ponies, it makes me quite queasy. You would find that it wouldn’t take long to change anyone’s mind.”
I looked around the open, luxurious space of their suite and noticed that something was missing over the kitchen area. “Where’s your chef? I mean, don’t you have one?”
“She is just getting her apron on,” Celestia said as she walked out without her crown or golden boots and used her magic to tie a knot behind her back to tighten her white apron. “In the meantime, I can get you out some plates, so you could eat a little bit of that potato salad you’ve brought. It actually sounds lovely right about now.”
Both of my parents let their mouths hang out before Mom turned to Luna, “Can I have a glass of water?” Luna used her horn to grab one from the cabinet, fill it up with water before giving it to my mother. “Now if you excuse me, I need to drop this.” And like that she let go of the glass and let it smash on the floor.
The Princess of the Night rolled her eyes as she used her horn to make the shattered glass and the water disappear.
“Okay, am I high?” Dad asked without giving much thought as to what he was saying. “I mean… Celestia’s cooking.”
“What? I have hobbies too.” Celestia then used her magic to get out all sorts of stuff from frying pans to onions and everything that made up tacos being arranged on the counter.
“Well you might excuse us, your highness,” my Mom began, “but no offense to you, we just… well… we didn’t think that you had a hobby.”
Celestia laughed. “That’s pretty understandable. I don’t do it often, but it’s actually a pleasure to be cooking for someone else. So when I do, it’s always a joy. Of course, we have several kinds of hobbies in our family, you see. For example, I like to cook, Luna goes monster hunting on Thursdays, Twilight binges on classical novels, Shining hosts Ogres and Oubliettes sessions every month, Cadence makes and revises a shipping book on Sundays, and Blueblood…” She paused as she tapped her chin. “Come to think of it… I don’t exactly know what he does with his personal guards and bottles of olive oil on Saturday nights. He wouldn’t even tell us about it, always goes red when asked about it. But anyway, back to tacos.”
“But… Don’t you need help?”
The Sun Princess raised an eyebrow. “Why? I mean, cooking isn’t that hard. It’s like doing math in a way – once you understand the basic rules and method, it’s not that difficult to do.”
“Well, that’s because you have Mother-knows-how-long of practice.” Luna retorted. “Even I still can’t figure out how you get those pancakes so fluffy and not taste like charcoal.”
I cleared my throat. “Sorry to interrupt your sibling banter, but is there a reason why I’m here? I’m pretty interested to know.”
“Oh yes, of course,” Celestia said as she picked up a knife and started to chop up an onion, garlic, peppers, and tomatoes. “We have heard about your hardships that you’ve been facing as of late. Especially from those who seemed to harass you because you’re now an alicorn.”
“Gee, what gave that away.” I deadpanned.
“Well, the newspaper for one,” Luna answered. “And your new cult has been passing out fliers that specifically has an address that we could assume is near your residence.”
My jaw dropped. “Isn’t that illegal?”
“Not really,” Celestia answered. “But I have heard about that cult invading your privacy, and yes, that is illegal. Besides, we do empathize, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen this. After all, our cults haven’t exactly died out either, and it’s incredibly infuriating. I mean, do you know how often one of those nutjobs try to break into Canterlot Castle to offer one of us a sacrifice? On a daily basis?”
“And what’s wrong the virgin sacrifice?” Luna called out. “I don’t mind being offered up to take somepony’s vir-”
“Luna! Not in front of our guests!”
My parents were stunned into silence. Even I struggled to say something for a moment. “I… You know what, I don’t wanna know. But please get to the point.”
“In short.” Luna turned to me as plates were being floated towards the table. “Out of compassion for your recent misfortune, we still feel compelled in helping you in some way.”
“If this still involves that offer, I’m out.”
“Oh, not at all.” The Evening Princess shook her head while raising her hooves. “As shocking as your decision was, you do have the right the refuse such a position. But at the same time, my sister and I just didn’t feel right in leaving Las Pegasus without offering you some assistance. Like for example, learning some basic magic or try to get ponies to, as they say now, getting off of your back.”
Now, this caught my attention. “Please tell me you have a fix-it-all spell for that.”
“I’m sorry to say,” Celestia said as she started to heat up and mix the filling, “it doesn’t work like that. After all, we were being honest when we said the transformation is irreversible. However, we think there are a few solutions that can be tried so that ponies won’t see you as a chosen one and just see you as the average pony you are.”
“Now, hold on.” Mother raised a hoof. “Not to play Discord’s advocate here, but is that really such a bad thing? I mean before you arrive, that cult had promised to build a temple for the three of us to live in. And we’ve lived in a crappy apartment for years now.”
“Excuse me?” Celestia craned her neck over. “You’re complaining why your son shouldn’t accept being harassed by these ponies if it means getting you a better place to live? It would be one thing if Mr. Marshal had accepted our offer to become a Prince, but to be forced all of this upon like this without his consent? Selfishly using your son as a means to improve your situation while he suffers being pressured by strangers to become something he’s not is never acceptable.”
For the one time in my whole life, I saw my mother, one so good at arguing that you can’t win one from her even if you tried, was speechless. An incredible feat by any standard, even if it’s by Celestia. One in which has earned my undying respect.
“As I was saying,” Celestia continued, “I do think there is a way to get more control of your life. Not exactly as it was once before, of course, but enough to let ponies know that you are like them. If anything, it’s very simple.” As she returned her gaze to the food she’s preparing, I asked her what that was. “Why not just write it down?”
I tilted my head. “Like writing a book or something? I mean, don’t those things take forever to make?”
“What my sister means,” Luna said as we began dishing out the potato salad, “is that nopony is asking you to write Equestria’s next great novel, but rather to just give your readers, (and no doubt your followers, ) an idea of what you’re like in general. Tell them about your experiences as an alicorn. Give them your reasons why you refused the title. Explain a few things about yourself you do daily. The more relatable you are to whoever reads it, the less of a ‘God ’ they shall see you as.”
“That… That might not be such a bad idea.” Dad said thoughtfully. “Even if you don’t want your followers, I think they would be the most to pay attention as, in their point of view, it would be like you were writing your own scripture.”
“Precisely.” Celestia nodded as she turned towards the small tortillas. “It would be blasphemous to go against your word anyway.”
“But… I’m not much of a writer.” I objected. “I mean… I haven’t written anything longer than an essay since High School – and even then my grades in Equestrian were average. Even if I could write really well, I don’t know if I have enough time to do it with my job and all that.”
“In that case, let me tell you a secret,” Celestia said. “Contrary to what you may think: writing is a skill. And as with all skills, they can be learned. The trick is to have the motivation to get into a habit of writing up to a goal as often as one can. If for example, you take a few hours to write up at minimum a thousand words per day, you would end up at around thirty thousand words. That’s the length of a novella. But the trick to get up there is to have a reasonable goal. Of course, for some, a thousand words a day could be considered too much depending on the pony, but even if you had time to write up a hundred, three hundred or five hundred, you can still make quite a bit if you just kept it up.”
“So basically,” I raised a hoof, “just tell them what’s going on and leave me alone?”
Luna nodded. “Pretty much.” She said before taking a bite of the potato salad. Her eyes went wide as an audible sound was heard. “Oh wow! This is really good. Tia, try this!”
“I’m a little busy.”
“The tacos can wait.” Luna picked up a fork of the stuff and floated over to her sister’s mouth. “Here. Eat it.”
“Lu, can’t this just wa-” her mouth was immediately stuffed with my potato salad. “Wow, you’re right. This is good.”
“Right,” Mom said, “there’s a reason why we have him make the stuff every Saturday when he comes to see us.”
“Give me a minute, I almost have the tacos done.” A moment later, the tortillas, the filling, crumbly white cheese, and some cilantro leaves on the table. After Celestia sat down, we began to assemble our own tacos and started eating. “You know, if you are interested, I can get you some security for you, so it would help you keep that cult at bay. Perhaps send down a few bodyguards to give that so-called prophet Euphoria an offer that he can’t refuse.”
“Since when did you turn into the mafia?” I questioned before taking a bit of the taco.
Luna raised an eyebrow, “The only difference between us and the mafia is that at least we don’t ever kill anyone nor threaten severe harm which they don’t pay up their taxes. (Of course, there’s imprisonment but that’s beside the point. ) What my sister means that we think it might be best to give you your own guards so that you could live out your life in peace.”
“But what about my job?” I asked. “As much as I want to make an honest living, I still have to interact with other ponies from time to time.”
“That’s the beauty of the Royal Guard,” Celestia said, “once you give them your conditions on how you want to live your life, they will plan accordingly. For example, this may look like an empty hotel suite, but in reality, there are twenty-six guards in total that are hidden in ventilation shafts, floorboards, under the sink, between the mattresses, above our heads…” I and my parents looked directly upwards to see a guy in proper ninja black outfit with suction cups in his hooves looking down at us. “The point being that if you tell them what you want and how it’s their job to accommodate your demands as faithful as possible.”
I nodded. “Actually… that might not sound that bad… so… you could get someone to teach me how to use this thing too?” I tapped my horn.
“Of course,” Celestia said before taking another bite of her taco.
“But what about job security?” Mom pointed out. “I mean, just because you’re an alicorn working to direct air traffic, doesn’t mean that you can’t get sacked.”
The Princess of Looking-on-the-Sunny-Side nodded. “I agree. If you did ask, your boss to continue to treat you as you were before, then you would still be at the same risk of losing your employment like everyone else. This is another reason why we wanted to talk to you directly Mr. Marshal.”
“That being?”
“Financial security.” She answered. “Since I am personally responsible for causing this whole debacle in the first place, and you refused the original offer, I thought that I might as well try giving you some compensation. So, I was hoping if you agreed to receive an allowance, by me every week to be deposited in your bank account.”
I raised a hoof. “In theory, if I said yes to this, how much would you give me every week?”
“That depends, how much do you make in a week?”
“With me working full time? I make five-hundred-and-forty-six a week. Why?”
“According to Equestrian law, if a member of the Royal family was the cause of an accident or injury that is knowingly guilty of, then said member must pay in compensation the amount the one who was harmed to give them twenty-fold of what they earn in a week. So, five-hundred-and-forty-six multiplied by twenty would be… ten-thousand-nine-hundred-and-twenty bits a week.”
I dropped my taco. “That much?!”
She waved a hoof. “Oh, don’t worry, that is merely pocket change as it’s coming out of my own purse. And if you do so, then you may do with it however you see fit.”
As I sat there, I weighed my options. On the one hoof, part of me was jumping about screaming hysterically that I’m rich. But on the other… even with all that bits that’ll pile up from one week to the next, what exactly would I do with it? Pay off the house, quit my job to probably live a comfortable but boring life, what then? When I probably wouldn’t have to work again, what would I do with my time with Celestia herself giving me that as an allowance? Dress up like a superhero and fight crime at night while getting an acrobat as a sidekick?
But then again… what if I do lose my job and I won’t be able to find one in months… perhaps years with no other income?
“I’ll tell you what,” I said to her. “I’ll accept it. But if you’re seriously going to do this, put it in my savings as a just in case something goes wrong thing.”
Celestia nodded. “Understandable.”
“But who are we going to get him to teach him magic?” Luna inquired. “I mean, given how demanding it’s going to be by the time we get to Canterlot, I don’t know if either of us has enough time to do so.”
“Ooh, true.” Her older sis mused over this problem. “And I know Twilight is going to be too. Sunburst is too far away and most likely in need of taking care of Flurry. So who else could… Oh!” Her face brightened. “I got it!”
“What?” Both Luna and I questioned.
“There is another unicorn that is both knowledgeable and skillful in magic. Plus, she probably wouldn’t mind coming to spend a little time in Las Pegasus.”
“And who would that be?” Mom asked.
“Starlight Glimmer.” She replied. "With a mare like that, what could go wrong?"
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Hello, My Name is Air Marshal
Chapter 6: Of Magic and an Existential Crisis
Author's Note
I don't know if anyone would call the following funny or not, more random than anything else. But I hope that it's at least entertaining.
Chapter 6: Of Magic and an Existential Crisis
About a week after that when the Royal Sisters had left Las Pegasus to the chorus of farewells and getting my own personal security guards, life was more or less back to normal. Not completely of course, but smoother as they scared off Euphoria and his cult to a safe, out of sight distance. I fell back into my usual routine as I returned back to work, this time asking my boss that I wouldn’t have to directly speak to the guests that come and go.
Concerning my security guards, after giving them a list of ponies that weren’t a threat whatsoever to me, I only gave them one rule: Except for picking me up and dropping me off to where I need to go, I didn’t want to see any sign of them unless it’s an emergency that I may be in danger. Right after I told them what I expected of them, I hadn’t seen any of them except when they come to pick me up to go to and from work. Sometimes I might catch some glances here and there like a ducking shadow underneath the clouds, a group of tourists that seemed to just go around the block in a circle, and even spotted a shadow with a crossbow from one of the buildings once – but otherwise, I haven’t seen much of them.
Anyway, about a week after Celestia left and I got back from lunch with my parents, I noticed a mare knocking on my front door as my secret service pulled up the chariot. A unicorn of a light purple coat and darker shade of lavender. Curious, I called out to her. “Unless you’re selling Filly Scout cookies I’m afraid I’m not interested.”
This catches her by surprise. With an awkward laugh, she levitated a piece of paper in front of her. “Just in time, I guess… Are you Air Marshal?”
“If you’re looking for an alicorn that sticks out like a tornado,” I stretched out my wings to illustrate my point, “then yes. Yes, I am. And you are…?”
“Starlight Glimmer.” She trotted up to me, holding up a hoof. “I hear that you are in need to learn some magic with your new horn.”
“Oh yeah,” I shook her hoof, “Celestia mentioned about you.”
“It’s such an honor, really, that they would call up me to help you out.”
“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask, how do you know them?”
“Well… I wouldn’t say that I know them personally apart of a going to a few ceremonies. But anyway, they know me because I was Princess Twilight’s personal student. So don’t worry, you’re pretty much in good hooves.”
“That’s good to know,” I said as I waved a hoof towards the front door. “Would you like to come in?”
She thanked me for that as I unlocked the door and let her in. I asked her if I could get her a drink of something like coffee, milk or ice water. She shook her head and told me as she plopped on the couch. “Oh, I’m fine, I’m just here partly to teach you some basic magic that I think you’ll like to use.”
“And the other?”
“Well, I never been to Las Pegasus before and always wanted to go but couldn’t until now.”
“Ah, I see.” After taking a seat across from her, I asked what she wants to teach me.
“Well first off, have you been able to use your horn at all?”
I shook my head, “No use in using it if I didn’t know how to.”
She gave a concerned look. “Uh… As in, not since your accident?” I again shook my head. “Oh boy… ”
“What?”
“Oh it’s nothing, it’s just… well, when a unicorn doesn’t use his magic for a very long time like say… over a week, then all that does is just store up pressure like shaking up a bottle of soda. B-But it’s okay! As long as we take it nice and slow, there shouldn’t be a problem as we don’t want to do something rather extreme all at once.”
In other words, I was a time bomb waiting to go off. Oh yeah, I don’t see this backfiring in any way, shape or form. “What could go wrong ,” indeed.
“So how about we start off with something simple?” She suggested as she lit up her horn to pick up a pillow from the armchair. “How about we begin with levitation?”
At first, she explained to me to think of my magic as like having an extra wing or hoof in which all I had to do was use my head to simply reach out and grab it. That the best way to do this is to imagine my hoof reaching out to touch it and let my magic do the rest. A simple concept to grasp at first… until I had to do it.
For a while, nothing much seemed to happen. I thought about grabbing ahold of the pillow in which only sparks came out of my head. So I tried harder in which the only thing that I accomplished was making my new appendage into a lit sparkler.
“Easy there,” Starlight cautioned me, “we don’t wanna overdo things.”
She was right, of course. But I could see how close I was as I could feel a weird… feeling from my horn and the pillow was starting to give off a blue glow. So I applied a little more focus in the hopes that I might be able to feel something. Then… even to this day, I still don’t know how to describe it accurately. As it was if I could feel the pillow as a whole from the fivers to the zipper, and yet, I was nowhere near it.
“Hey,” I said, “I think I got it!”
“Okay, so far so good.” Starlight nodded her head. “Now just imagine you just picking it up. Don’t rush this, just take your time.”
At first, I couldn’t move it at all like how a father would try to lift Mt. Everhoof. But the more I focused, putting my mind into imagining it being lifted, it somehow became lighter and lighter until it was up in the air. Suspended by nothing at all except for my blue aura around it.
“Yes!” I shouted as I stood up, not noticing that my horn was glowing really brightly now. “I did it!” What Starlight had neglected to tell me before hoof was that magic could be fully charged if there was a lot of emotion being felt. So while I was having my moment of victory and having the same excitement as a colt would have with getting the perfect Hearth’s Warming present – my horn exploded like a firecracker and I was falling through another dimension.
Of course, I still don’t know if this is a normal thing for unicorns to experience this, but before I knew what had happened, I was falling through a kaleidoscope tube of bright colors, weird sounds, and having my mouth taste like lemons as I was screaming. My wings were useless as I was being sucked in and my horn wasn’t turning off as it still kept being lit up like a lightbulb.
Then just as quickly as the wormhole appeared to swallow me out, so did it decided to crap me out. The next thing I knew, I fell into a small room with orange walls and onto a bed that I bounced off of it and onto the hardwood floor. After taking a few moments to scrape my face off from the floor, I looked around to figure out where I landed in. I remember that it was in somepony’s bedroom in which the walls were bright orange with a ceiling that looked like something out of Van Gogh’s Starry Night. The bed that broke my fall had a comforter of black and gold with dark red pillows. All around me there were objects and knick-knacks that looked like where from all over different parts of the world. A Neighponese tapestry of a samurai here, a couple of marble bust statues of some philosophers there, a few Zebracan masks, a few old world maps hanging on a wall, and books. Nearly much of the room had piles of books that cushioned between the knick-knacks and the black desk that had a typewriter with sacks of paper nearby.
There was a window right over the bed, in which I looked out to see houses and trees of a small town. “Where am I?” Was the first thing to come out of my mouth. Before I could think about that any longer, I heard hoofsteps walking up to the white door behind me in which it opened up to a tired looking earth pony. A young stallion that was dark purple except for his peach muzzle with bronze glasses with golden eyes. I remembered that he had a chocolate mane with some a good lock of blond in the very front. He had on one of those fancy white collars with a yellow bowtie. He had a black bag that hung on the side of him like a sack. And his cutie mark I noticed was a simple, solid black inkwell with a noticeable crack in it.
As he entered and spotted me, we both froze as we looked at each other. I for one felt like I was caught in what looks like I just broke into the guy’s room. While he… the only way I could describe it was that he looked at me as if seeing Saddle Clause was right there in the flesh.
“Uh… This isn’t what it looks like.” I began. “I think I’ve accidentally teleported here.”
He didn’t say anything as he walked right in, closed the door, locked it and took a seat by the desk.
“Really mister,” I said as I got off the bed. “This was an accident. If you just let me through and tell me where I’ve ended up, I’ll be out of your-”
“H-How are you here?” He asked as his face was in permanent amazement.
I blinked. “Well uh… I was learning some magic and I’ve might have overdone it. Look, I really don’t mean any harm, I don’t know where I teleported to.” There was an awkward silence between us. “Uh… Well…” I held up a hoof. “My name is-”
“Air Marshal.”
Now it was my turn to look surprised for a moment before thinking that maybe those newspapers might have spread outside of Las Pegasus. “Yeah. I take it that you’ve heard about me.”
“You have no idea.”
I tilted my head. “Okay…? Anyway, can you at least tell me where am I?”
“Ponyville.”
“Wait, really?” I craned my neck over to the window. “Wow, I didn’t realize that I could do that. But it’s gonna be a really long trip to get back though.” With a frustrated sigh, I went over to the door to turn the little lock on the knob. “Still, sorry for just popping in like this but I really need to start-”
Before I could reach for the doorknob, his hoof got there before mine. “No! You can’t go out there!”
“Says who? I just disappeared from Las Pegasus and I really gotta get back there.”
“I won’t allow it.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Why not? And what’s preventing me? I’m practically twice the size of you, and in case you haven’t noticed, I have both a horn and wings on me.”
“But you don’t know how to use that magic of yours.” He said but quickly put a hoof over his mouth as if he said something that he shouldn’t.
However, this gave me pause. “How do you know that?”
He started to look nervous. “I-I uh…”
“Nopony except the Princesses know that, so how did you know about that?”
Falling back onto his haunches, the stranger rubbed his temples. “Look… This is gonna sound unbelievable. And trust me, even I can’t believe it myself despite seeing you here. I mean… a-actually here! And I know we’ve just met, but I got no reason for lying to you, right? So what I’m gonna say may sound way out there like aliens or humans, but… it’s true.”
“Well spit it out! What is it?”
He took a deep breath, looked at me in the eye and said. “My name is Cracked Inkwell, and I uh… made… you.”
I blinked… and blinked again. And blinked even more. So after a good hour or so, I finally asked, “What?”
“Ugh, I know,” He said as he messed up his mane. “I know you have no reason whatsoever to believe me, but it’s the honest truth. I made you, as a character for a story I’m trying to finish up. But I have proof.” He went over to the desk in which there were files that were stacked underneath it. From it, he pulled out a yellow file that had on it, written in pencil: Hello My Name is Prince Air Marshal .
“It has everything that’s been happening to you so far.” He said. “All five chapters of it, plus one I’m working on. It covers everything from Celestia sneezing you into an alicorn, to that bunny suit convention, the granny that tried to flirt with you, the cult, that lunch you had with Celestia and Luna. Just take a look, it’s all there.”
Of course, this sounded like something out of one of those sci-fi comics in which the main guy falls into an alternate dimension to find out that he’s considered a fictional character there. So, like an idiot, I took my existential crisis into my hooves and flipped the thing open. In there was a typed-out manuscript of a story. It had spelling and grammatical errors that were as plain as the words in this sentence with even several that were scratched out. But… he was right.
As I scanned over, every single detail was accurate. From the owner’s name of the bar to what my parents said before the Cult Cuckoo found us. Everything was there! Everything worth mentioning was there! Everything that should have been left out was crossed out! The words on the page sounded like how I would tell a story, but… this was done by somepony else.
“But…” I began, however, I didn’t know exactly how. “This… These are my words… My thoughts on paper… How…?”
“Don’t panic.” He tells me. “However, I would be lying to say that I’m not as shocked as you are. I mean… You, actually here. My own character actually here!”
“Yeah while you’re being star struck, I’m having a bit of an existential crisis over here.” I deadpanned. “I mean…” I looked at the manuscript. “What does that make me anyway? Am I real or… anything?”
The little guy reached out and poked my side with a hoof. “You feel real. So I can definitely rule out hallucinations. But… Y-You could understand what this is like for me, right? It’s like having your imaginary friend suddenly became real. Something that I thought would never happen to me considering all the stories I’ve written.”
“Stories?” I blinked. “As in more than one?”
He nodded, “Uh yeah.”
There was an awkward silence between us. “So… Do you like… Publish books or something?”
I noticed the guy was blushing with embarrassment. “Well… Not exactly… I mean, my stuff does get published, but not for the reason you think of…”
However, I did. “So what? Like a magazine for fan fiction or some…” I trailed off as he looked more awkward. “Oh dear Celestia, are you kidding me? The guy that wrote me into existence is a fanfic writer!”
“W-What can I say…” he pawed a hoof on the floor. “I do want to be a writer… and at least I have an audience. B-But I swear that I didn’t write anything mature about you!”
“Oh gee, thanks.” I said, flopping onto the poorly made bed. “So I’m in a world that I’m fictional and you…” sitting straight up, I looked at my creator with a glare. “You did this to me! ”
“H-Hey, wait-a-minute!” Cracked tried to plead but my emotions were to the point that I unintentionally and instantly used my magic to grab him by the throat, dragging him over so that I could look at him in the eye.
“Do you have ANY idea what I’ve been through in the past couple of weeks! What I had to put up with!”
“I-I-I know!” He cried out. “I wrote you! Look, I’m sorry but-”
“But what?! I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t ask to have someone slap a horn on my head, or to have a religion grow around me overnight, or to be mugged in the streets because I’m an alicorn! I can’t even go back to a normal life because of you! All of this chaos, and for what! Why did you bother to create me for?! Is my stress and near mental breakdowns funny to you!?”
“S-S-S-Satire.” He replied in a scared tone.
I on the other hoof blinked. “Excuse me?”
“S-Satire. I wrote you as a satire.” He explained. “Look, in my world, I’ve noticed that the Princesses have always been seen as these untouchable goddesses, and everypony I’ve talked to, they always think that just because they’re an alicorn, they couldn’t possibly be a pony like everyone else. That if they did become one, they have to become royalty, no exceptions. So… About a month or so ago, I came up with a question: What if somepony was ascended to be an alicorn, but outright refused to be a leader and just try to go on life as normal?”
I loosen my grip on him, letting him free as I let this information sink in. “So basically,” I questioned, “you took me, a normal guy that directs traffic, made me into a god in ponies’ eyes, to do… what? What’s your point in having me go through all of this?”
“It’s it obvious?” He asked, rubbing his throat. “So that it would help ponies see a different point of view. That the ponies we tend to look up to, think that they’re better than everypony, are just like us by making fun of how alicorns like… well… you are treated by seeing how you would react to something like this.”
After getting up from the bed, I looked down at him. “Well, this is all very interesting, finding out that the god of my universe is a… what? Mid-twenty-year-old author of fan fiction writing a satire starring me. But as of right now, I have only three questions for you that I would love if they were answered.”
He gulped. “Considering that you could easily break me in two, I don’t have much of a choice in this, do I?” I shook my head. “Okay… what is it?”
“In your story, how does mine end?”
“Um…”
My jaw dropped. “Don’t tell me you don’t know.” He didn’t. “Are you kidding me!”
“Hey, I only have some vague ideas to work with and I… improvise from that. Heck, that story over there,” he pointed at the folder, “isn’t finished yet. Close to be, but I’m telling you the truth that I’m just as much in the dark as you are. Even I don’t fully know how this is gonna end.”
After giving myself a facehoof, I moved on to my next question. “Okay… And if you do find an ending for me… Will I continue to exist or…” I couldn’t finish my dreaded thought nor say it.
Inkwell paused as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I… I don’t know.”
My eyes went wide as I took him by the shoulders. “What do you mean you don’t know! You’re practically a creator god, aren’t you?”
“Stop calling me that!” He pushed me away. “I’m not a creator god, I’m just a storyteller. A writer that just happens to write stories because I wanted to. In a weird way… I’m kinda like you.”
“How?”
After clearing his throat, he said, “I mean think about it. We’re just both average ponies that suddenly became divine without given much of a choice. Plus, I’m not gonna lie… you calling me a God is just… weird.”
This got a laugh out of me. “No kidding. But still… what happens after…”
He looked right up to me with a sober expression. “I don’t know. I only begin at the beginning, go on until I get to the end then stop. But after…? Maybe… regardless if you’re from my imagination or from an alternative universe where you’re real… perhaps, you continue on to exist in some way, be in from my head, in other’s imaginations, or in your own that you go on as normal without any noticeable change even after I say it’s over. That’s probably the thing about characters you make, once they exist in your head and write them down, they don’t go away that easily.”
“Huh.” I smirked as I patted him on the back. “You’re actually a thoughtful guy, aren’t ya?”
“Well, I don’t have that many ponies to talk to on a daily basis. So… what’s your third question?”
“How do I get back? I sent myself here by accident when Starlight-”
“Was teaching you how to use magic.”
I blinked. “How did you-”
“It was the last thing I wrote last night but stopped as I got stuck.” He shrugged as he picked up the folder. As he looked through the manuscript, he froze as he stared at the last page. “Okay, that’s scary. It… It has our conversation in it, but I haven’t written any of it!”
“Really?” I looked over and sure enough there was our whole conversation in perfect detail. Including the words that were being typed as I read them. Huh… Casserole Carousel Pumpkin… Toy boat! Toy boat! Toy boat! Seashells, seashells by the… Pound Cake. Huh… Now it’s writing out my thoughts. “I guess I might be wrong.” I said, “You might not be the creator after all.”
He on the other hoof put both hooves over his head. “You know what? Before this drives me insane, maybe… If I wrote you back into the story… then you might go back.”
I shrugged. It was the only reasonable plan that this surreal day has to offer. So, he took up the last page and put it into the typewriter in which the words suddenly stopped.
A portal opened up underneath me in which I fell through back into the tunnel of light and sound as I twist and spun in the suction of the vortex. Screaming through the gateway between countless worlds in hopes that I have fallen through my own world. And just as quickly as I was falling, so did I fall through the ceiling and onto my couch.
Looking up after bouncing off of it, Starlight Glimmer was being restrained by my secret police, but all of them froze when they saw me reentered into reality.
“Air Marshal.” One of the guards helped me up. “You disappeared on us for several minutes, we thought she did something to you. What happened? Where did you go?”
I didn’t respond immediately. After telling them that they could let her go, I turned to the kitchen to warm up a glass of milk, I took it into the bedroom with me. “I’m gonna need a nap.”
Hello, My Name is Air Marshal
Chapter 7: A Bid for Reason
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