Subject 42

by BattleSwine

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Adventure, Sex, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 2422

The half-human son of Discord finds his way home. Prepare for feels.

Subject #42 Class 9 Anomaly

Sex: Male?
Height: 6'2"
Weight: N/A
Eye color: Variable
Hair color: All
Mental State: Compromised

Have you ever felt like you didn't belong in this world? What if you didn't?

Published 2012-07-31 15:34:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-20 07:53:38 UTC

The Wall is Broken

A tall, rather slender woman walked through a sterile hallway flanked by guards on either side. Her plainly cut black hair swayed slightly as her black high-heels clacked their ways slowly along the white walls, her white labcoat swishing as she counted the doors one by one, mumbling them under her breath,

"Forty... Forty-one... Forty-two." She turned suddenly at a seemingly unremarkable door, unremarkable, other than the large four and two blazened upon it. She somberly placed her palm on the scanner next to the door and it beeped in recognition. The steel door slid open with a soft whoosh, revealing a dark, padded room with a figure squatting in the center. She heard a raspy, high-pitched, slightly accented voice singing quietly.

"Looked over Jordan,

and what did Ah see,

Comin' for to carry moi home?

A shiny golden chariot,

Waitin' there for me,

It's gonna carry moi home!"

The lab-coated woman waited for him to stop singing before addressing the creature.

"Good morning, Carmichael. Why are the lights off?"

She saw it turn to her in surprise, as if it hadn't noticed her. The guards stiffened at the sudden movement, but she knew better. Subject 42 had never been hostile. Unpredictable, but never hostile.

"Ah dunno, Mama. Ah think Ah broke them again." She could hear the frown in its voice.

"I'm not your mother, Carmichael. I'm Doctor Mendez, remember?" She pulled a small remote out of the folds of her coat and began to fumble with it.

"Ah know, Mama. Mah real mama took a long nap. She's still taking a nap. But you take care of me now, so that means you're my mama!" It stood and attempted to hug her, causing the guards to draw their weapons. She waved dismissively at them and gave the beast a very brisk hug. It couldn't really return the embrace, as it was tied up in a straight jacket, as much for its own protection as everyone elses. When the embrace was broken she once again turned her attention to the remote, finding the button she was looking for. When she pressed it, the lights flickered back on, revealing Subject 42 in full.

It was immediately apparent that it wasn't human. Not entirely. True, at a glance the figure before her would appear to be a typical twenty-five-year old male. Until you looked closely. Its head looked like a patchwork doll, in some places his hair was brown, others red, and still others black, blonde, white, silver, dishcloth, calico, walnut, every hair color you could concieveably find on a human being, there were patches of it competing for space on the creatures skull. The hair itself was long and unkempt, despite the researchers efforts, sticking out wildly in all directions, refusing to be combed or cut.

The creatures face was unremarkable until you got to the eyes and teeth. Every time it closed its eyelids, its eyes shifted colors. Even now, as it blinked from the sudden change of light, the orbs resembled a miniature light show as they shifted from brown and green, to red and yellow, then to black and blue. When it finished doing this, it resumed its normal grin, revealing its teeth. One of the guards actually gasped when he noticed the large fang that stuck out of Carmichaels mouth on the left side where his canine should be.

But this was nothing compared to the creatures most prominent features. Trailing behind Carmichael was a full-on lions tail. A soft tan coat dripped down out of the hole in the back of his sterile white pants before ending with a brown tuft. And the doctor knew that if one were to remove the subjects straight jacket, its right arm would be scaly and end with claws.

"Hey, the lights are on now! Hi, Mama! Hi, Jacob! Hi..." It trailed off as it studied the second guard, tilting its head to the side and squinting. It spoke again in its Louisiana accent.

"You're new. Hi, mah name's Carmichael, an' Ah'm a phsycopath!"

"I noticed." The newbie laughed. Jacob nudged him in the ribs. "Focus."

Carmichael turned back to his adopted mother. "So, what're we gonna do today, Mama?"

She mimicked its exuberance. "Today we're going to be guaging your reactions to projected stimuli!" He
continued looking at her, his default grin on his face.

"We're going to be watching television!" She clarified.

"YAY!" It spun and plopped down on the floor, wagging its tail.

Once again, the doctor pulled out the remote. The lights dimmed as an unseen projector played a kids show on the white, padded wall. Subject 42 bounced excitedly as the theme song began. The doctor scratched on her clipboard as the guards shifted awkwardly at the inherent girliness invading their senses.

"I used to wonder what friendship could be," The characters on the screen sang.

The subject gained an uncharacteristically focused expression as the ponies on the screen engaged in their shenanigans, flying in the air, kicking trees, feeding rabbits.

"And magic makes it all complete, yeah, My Little Pony!" A certain alabaster pony appeared on the screen as she gazed benevolently at a picture of the Elements.

A look of recognition crossed 42s face as he stood and brought his face close to the screen.

"Ah know this place."

The doctor flipped through the pages of her clipboard. "The cartoon takes place in a land called Equestria,
apparently." At this, it began to shake violently, the guards hands went to their guns.

Suddenly, the creature backed up until his tail brushed the other side of the room.

"Bye, Mama!" It took a stance akin to that of an Olympic runner before a hundred-meter dash.

"Put those guns down! Carmichael, what are you doing?" She backed away from it, pushing the guards against the wall.

"IMMA BREAKIN THE FOURTH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!" It ran full-tilt toward said wall. Surely this was just another one of its crazy antics? Surely he would just run into the screen?

Subject 42 passed through the screen with a flash and a loud BANG.

And then he was gone. The crazy bastard just DISAPPEARED.

The screen was undamaged. There was no trace of the half-man named Carmicheal.

"WHERE IS HE? DON'T JUST STAND THERE, YOU IDIOTS, FIND HIM!" The doctor known as Mendez grabbed one of the security guards radios and began shouting into it.

"This is Doctor Mendez! Subject 42 is loose! I repeat, SUBJECT 42 IS LOOSE! Full facility lockdown, now! He is a CLASS 9 ANOMALY, PEOPLE! If he gets out, we're gonna have a harder time covering it up than Roswell!"

It was very early in Ponyville. The only pony who would concievably be awake at this hour is, of course, the resident librarian, none other than Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight was writing a manuscript when, suddenly, her favorite quill broke. "Oh, darn it." She swore. She opened her desk for another one, only to find none there. Normally, the unicorn would have planned farther ahead than this, but she wasn't supposed to be up at all right now, she was only writing right now because she couldn't sleep. Not one to leave a job half-finished, the purple pony decided to visit the Quill and Sofa Store, one of the few shops that was open at this hour. Toting her saddlebags, she exited the tree library that was her home, thoughts of quills and parchment filling her head.

As she came upon the fountain in the square in front of her house, a loud humming could be heard. The pony stopped, puzzled.

Suddenly, with a sound like the Death Star expoding, a worm hole came into being, and out of it flew... something. The portal closed as the fiery object bounced off the fountain, destroying it in the process.

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"

The object arced into the air, screaming. It barely missed Twilights house before impacting with a BOOM behind it. Twilight galloped quickly to the point of impact and surveyed the area. Nothing had been hit but the pavement, leaving a smoldering crater.

A smoking figure stumbled out of said crater on two legs before falling to its knees.

It brought its front legs to its flat face and screamed, "OH MY GOD MY BRAAAIIINSSS!"

The strange creature fell to the cobblestone and began writhing as if in pain. Twilight wanted to help it, but didn't know what to do. She contemplated putting the fire out, but she didn't know how he would react to the spell. But before she was finished with these thoughts, the biped stopped writhing and stood. It held out a still-smoking forehoof and greeted her.

"Mawnin', chere. Mah name's Carmichael an' Ah'm on fire."

"I noticed." She replied, incredulous.

Go, Johnny, Go

She wisely didn’t shake its hand, as he was in fact, on fire.

“Woops, sorry ‘bout that, chere.” He held up his right limb, revealing a green claw that snapped once and a green rain cloud appeared over his head. A second later, The cloud began raining a yellow liquid, extinguishing the flames he’d been engulfed in. He snapped his fingers a second time and an empty glass appeared in his hand which quickly filled with what appeared to be lemonade.

When it was full, the cloud disappeared, and the creature swigged down the whole glass, ice cube hailstones and all. He then stuffed the glass into his mouth and began crunching on it. Speaking with his mouth full, he continued, “Well, Ah cain’t meet new friends dressed like this. ‘Scuse me a moment, ami mare? To Narnia!”

A magnificent oaken wardrobe appeared behind him and he promptly dashed into it, shutting the door behind him. It rattled around a few seconds before he emerged wearing an Army-green vest, camo pants tucked into heavy black boots and topped off with a black beret. “Non, it feels too... gung-ho for me.”

The second time, he exited wearing a bandanna and trenchcoat over a purple bodysuit. “Ugh, to wear this in public would be a real gambit!”

The third time he confessed his homosexuality, he was simply wearing a wifebeater and blue jeans. “This one might fit the bill! Non, non, c’est terrible.”

The final time, he emerged wearing a brown leather vest over overalls and a green T-shirt that matched his eyes. Seeming satisfied, he exclaimed, “Tres bien! These duds’r purdier than a Southern belles floppy hat!”

He held out his hand and introduced himself again. “Now, as Ah said before, mah name’s Carmichael Pic De LaFolie, and Ah’m a human male! What’s yer name?”

“Um, Twili-”

“Shhhhhushshshsh....” He held a finger to her lips, and glanced at her flanks. For some reason, they were bare. “Ah sense a disturbance in the force.”

He disappeared into a puff of smoke. And reappeared ten feet away. “Oops.”

Then disappeared again and reappeared at Sweet Apple Acres, right before the stallion he knew to be Big Macintosh. The half-breed was in pony form, his mane striped with the different colors of his hair and his eyes different colors, and rather than a pony tail, he still had his lions tail. His coat was a dark brown and his cutie mark was eight arrows... You know what? It looks like this.

Pretty cool, huh? Anyway, he approached Big Mac and introduced himself. “Hi! Mah name’s Carmichael, and Ah’m really bad at makin’ up disguises. Like, seriously, anybody who had even an inklin’ of what Ah normally look like would be able to tell who Ah was. But since you don’t, is Applejack around?”

“Nope.” The stallion replied sadly.

“Do you perhaps know where she is?”

“Eeyup.”

“Can you tell me?”

“Eeyup.” The burly stallion pointed in a general westerly direction.

“Still in Manehattan, huh? That ain’t a good sign.” He rubbed his chin with a hoof, before he heard someone that sounded suspiciously like Tabitha St. Germain.

“Big Macintosh! I finished mucking out the pig pens! I just wanted to thank you for the job again, you and your family kept me off the streets!” None other than Rarity walked up, mane tied up and dirt on her hooves. Carmichaels eyes widened.

“And that’s an even worse one.”

He disappeared again in an explosion of glitter. Rarity fainted dramatically. Mac looked surprised for roughly a second before shaking his head and muttering, “Bin’ workin too hard Ah s’pose”

Carmichael visited the rock farm of Pinkie Pie’s childhood. She was still there, turning rocks with her sisters.

He visited Cloudsdale, only to find Rainbow Dash working as the instructor of a Junior Speedsters troop, which, in case you didn’t know, is the mathematical antithesis of a Wonderbolt.

And finally, he visited Fluttershy’s grave.

It was in a beautiful meadow below Cloudsdale, surrounded by butterflies and bunnies and beavers and squirrels. The comically simple gravestone said:

Here lies Fluttershy

She could hardly fly

Carmichael frowned. There isn’t much you can do but frown when you see Fluttershy’s grave, except maybe cry. But after that, there are a lot of things you can do, especially when you’re a reality-bending sorcerer like Carmichael. For example, you could snap your fingers and summon the DeLorean from the depths of the multiverse.

“Scooch over, Einstein! Ah’m drivin’”

“Bark!”

To Twilight Sparkle, only a few seconds had passed, because that’s how time travel works. She was still standing there, trying to figure out what the H E Double Candy Canes was going on, when she heard a rumbling noise. Then a bright flash blinded her and the DeLorean skidded to a halt in front of her, leaving its trademark twin trails of fire

The stylish silver car opened and out stepped Carmichael, wearing a plaid shirt under a mustard coat. He was also wearing some sort of silver sunglasses and appeared distressed.

“Twilight!” He grabbed the confused lavender pony by the shoulders. “You’ve gotta come back with me!”

“What? Where?”

“Back... to the future!”

“The future? Why, what happens in the future?” Her eyes widened with sudden clarity. “Does Nightmare Moon return?”

Carmichael thought for a moment. “Well, technically, but this isn’t about that! It’s about your friends, Twilight, something’s gotta be done about your friends!”

“But, I don’t have any-” She was interrupted by being forcefully dragged into the car. She found herself in the seat beside the creature and a big dog in between them.

“Carmichael, Where are you taking me?”

“Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need...” He flipped his glasses down. “Roads.”

“What?”