Tyler 1 In Equestria : Shitty Writer Edition
You're trash, princess - (The only chapter)
This was going to be a normal day. Wake up, feed the animals, help spike learn to take care of Owlyicious, go home, sit down, have tea with discord, and go to bed. Well, it WAS going to be a normal day for you, Fluttershy. Most of the day was fine, you had 2 hours of downtime to have to yourself. It's nice to have a warm, nice sit down and relaxing time to yourself. That serenity is broken after a large ruckus vibrates the cottage.
"W-what was that?" Ah, talking to yourself, a habit you seemed to never break. You rush up the stairs, to see a strange creature. It wasn't very tall, at least, from your height. It didn't have much hair, instead opting to wear what seems to be a tank-top and shorts. It seems to be cupping his hand around his head, covered in what seems to be blood. You rush over to the creature, running into the bathroom for the first aid kit. Grabbing it in your mouth, you rush back out of the bathroom and see the bipedal creature walking down the stairs. Following it, he takes a seat on the sofa. You need to take care of that nasty gash on its forehead, oh my. "Excuse me mister, we need to take care of that nasty cut on your forehead. " You pull out the anti-bacterial ointment. "This might hurt, okay?" he turns his head, and you begin disinfecting the wound.
"You got anything to eat? I need protein." It can talk? Any other intelligent species like this, you would've noticed around these parts. Which means it was obvious he's not from around here.
"H-Hello?" You had never seen a creature like this. buff but short, he seemed to be some sort of child minotaur. However, that doesn't mitigate the fact he's injured, and knowing nothing of this creature, you need intelligence to truly see if a concussion was had, or if you unfortunate, commit a massive social 'faux pas', as Rarity calls them and make the creature angry. You need Twilight, who should be at her castle. strapping on your bag, you head over to the door. "Help yourself to the kitchen." You start to run as fast as you can to Twilight's castle. Past the bridge, come on Fluttershy, faster, this is important. I really, really, REALLY hope she's awake and not busy.
It takes you 15 minutes to get there, if your pocket-watch is correct. "Twilight? Twilight!" You shout with the loudest voice you can muster.
"I'm in here, the map room!" you bust in, and gently close the door behind you, don't want to cause unnecessary damage. The rest of the gang was there- Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie and Applejack.
"Twilight, there's a..." Wait, what type of creature is it? A new species no pony has ever seen before, so what do you call it? "An alien in my house." There is silence.
then Rainbow starts laughing. "An Alien! That's funny Fluttershy, but you should leave pranks to me and Pinkie. That's way too obvious!"
"I'm not joking!" You unconsciously scrunch your face. "I'm being honest!" All their faces dropped. The awkward silence rolls until your friend Twilight speaks up. "Rainbow, Fluttershy isn't the type to lie. Though I find it hard to believe myself, I trust Fluttershy to find a new species of animal." You can always count on all your friends.
Twilight called Spike to get some books from the library about animal anatomy and types of rare species and to bring them to the cottage at once. Spike offer's you some pancakes, and you and the rest of your friends ate the last of their meals hurriedly, except Rarity, who prided herself on fine dining etiquette. Twilight packs some things, and you all rush for your cottage.
You get there in near enough time it took for you to get to the castle, an hour of your downtime lost, due to a complimentary free breakfast from Twilight. And it hits you. Somethings off. Twilight notices your expression. "What's wrong, Fluttershy?"
There is no use lying- that'd be a bad friend. Tell the truth. "Twilight, Mr. Bear fakes snores to help him get to sleep." You sigh. "Do you know what the fake snore of a bear sounds like? It roars like a dragon, a fiery god bringing sleepless nights to everything in its path. Don't hold down him in his sleeping habits and the 'Snore' drowns out everything else, focus on the noise and you almost convince yourself you don't hear the other animals. By the time the bear is asleep, everything is over, even the owls are quiet. There's nothing but the howling of the wind. You see, it's not the noise that keeps me awake at night, it's the silence."
Twilight's expression shows she didn't expect that kind of answer. Every pony is now staring at you. All eyes on you.
All eyes on you.
All eyes on you?
Twilight rubs your mane. "Fluttershy?" you break out your shy stupor to notice your hunched down with your hooves over your eyes.
You quickly jump up. "A-Alright every-pony. Let's focus on the task at hand, okay?" Twilight nods and is the first to open the door to your living room. Empty, other than a bunch of critters backed into a corner, but there is subtle noise in the kitchen. You trot over, Twilight just behind, and enter. You see him and let out a meekly "Excuse me."
he turns over to look at you. "Oh, Hello, you need more flour."
"Yeah... S-sorry, I gave the last away when Pinkie needed it-"
"A NEW INTELLIGENT SPECIES!" Twilight pushed in front of you. "And it speaks Equestrian!" Twilight can deal with the human, all you need to care about are the animals scared in your front room, all in one corner. You comfort the wonderful critters as Twilight deals with the alien.
"I speak English, but I don't-"
"Excuse me, what is your name, new species?"
"Name? Call me Tyler One. I'm a Human-"
"Tyler One? Human? I have to record this!!" I magically teleport my 'Trot-n-Study" kit, holding some studying equipment such as a tape measure, as well as a notepad and quill.
"Let me speak, bitch."
Applejack strides in. "Excuse me, were horses, not dogs, ah'll have ya know." The creature- I mean, Tyler stays silent.
"Let's see here. It looks and is medically fine from a pony standpoint." I start telepathically moving its joints. Not stiff, easily bent forwards.
Tyler breaks free from the magic for a second and steps back. "Excuse me, it's a he, and I'm cooking a protein cake right now, so..."
He should be fine, science waits for no pony! "Relax Tyler, this will only take a second, I just want some data-"
"I'M COOKING, BITCH! AAAHHHHH!"
I was taken aback by this. "O-okay... I'll be just here... Waiting." It slowly dawned on me; he might be dangerous. I watch for a while, waiting. It takes a minute until he puts the cake in the oven.
"Sup bitches, want your data now?"
I rushed forward, using telekinesis unicorn magic to lift an assortment of tools. It takes a minute, and I have enough basic data to send to Celestia's scholars for discussing. "Alright, Mr. One, thank you for the contribution to science, I'm glad that we've discovered a new species. You're 184 pounds and 5'6, is that average-"
"Excuse me, I'm 6'5." Tyler retaliated, cutting me off.
Confident I got his measurements right, I retried Tyler's height. "No Tyler, your 5'7, It's clear from the measurements."
"I'm 6'5, and that's the end of it, your trash, kid, your trash at what you do, go home, fuck you kid, your trash!" I was confused why Tyler was calling me a young goat repeatedly.
"Tyler, I've been doing this since I was 6, if I was wrong-"
"I-I'm 6'5, you're stuttering, I'm not s-stuttering, AAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"Tyler, please, stop screaming-"
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Tyler looks to be having a spastic fit. "BITCH, YOUR TRASH! GET FUCKED! I'M 6'5 POUNDS OF PAIN YOUR GOING TO BE DEALING WITH NOW KID IF YOU DON'T CHANGE THAT NUMBER!"
I have never rubbed out and rewrote so fast. Also, 6'5 pounds of pain didn't make sense, but it's better to be silent. I scribbled more words onto the paper, and gave it to Spike, who had been deathly quiet, after that situation. I ushered every pony into the front room. I sat on the couch, hoping to talk to my friends to work out how to fix that attitude of his.
"Alright, I, Friendship Princess Twilight Sparkle, declare this as an immediate friendship problem - help this 'Tyler' creature." Every pony raised their hoof. We'd seen friendship problems around ponies before, nothing of humans though. This is exciting! I hope we do a good job! Well, maybe we would've, if I wasn't interrupted.
"PRINCESS TWILIGHT! I HAVE THE COTTAGE SURROUNDED. COME OUT UNHOOFED!" Chrysalis? Oh, no, not again. After my brother's wedding, I didn't have the patience to deal with her right now. Turns out I didn't have to, as a scream erupted from the kitchen.
"AHHH! FUCK, THAT SHOUTING MADE ME SPILL A BIT OF THE PROTEIN CAKE MIX!" Tyler burst though the kitchen door, then ran through the front in pure anger. As soon as I exit the door, following the enraged human, a magic bolt comes from the side. It should have hit the top of his head, but he's completely fine. What?
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The queen was the first to speak- “What are you? My paralysis shot should've hit!" The bug queen demanded answers. Tyler took the strange, now seemed to be damaged, device off his head. there was a dent in his skull. The dent saved his life as the shot would've hit him otherwise. Tyler, with a look of utter rage, ran, and pounded his fists into the bug mare, repeatedly. It only took until I used telekinesis that he stopped. Oh god... The bugs face was beaten beyond recognition. Imagine if somepony cooked a nice set of pancakes, then beat it repeatedly with a hammer. It was vile and disgusting how a creature like this could suffer. Blood was pouring out of her snout and mouth, and a few teeth were missing. Tears fell from her eyes, making a fiery tear-blood concoction. I vomited. This was horrid. Rarity blacked out, I don't know how I managed to stay upright.
"M-my queen!" the young changeling accompanying her screamed. He tried to tend to her injuries, before promptly encountering Tyler's shoe. "Alpha as fuck." He says to himself. Please, Mr. Changeling, just stay down. But he doesn't. He gets back up.
I attempted to break the fighting. "Stand aside, worthy adversary."
The changeling gets back up on 3 hooves. "Tis' but a scratch." It's obvious his other leg isn't supposed to bend like that.
"Tis' but a scratch? Your hoofs broken!"
"No, it isn't."
"Well what's that then!" The changeling looked down to see a mangled hoof. His bones were probably shattered. Blood covered the floor, and a bit of bone was even visible.
"I've had worse."
"You liar!"
"Come on, you pansy!" The changeling waddles to Tyler, attempting to use its horn as a sword. I noticed crying from Fluttershy, who seemed to follow me outside. I don't want another critical injury on my hooves. The changeling charges Tyler, only for his boot to face his other hoof. Both front hooves were broken. The changeling looked down at the mangled front two hooves, as Tyler shouts "THE OVEN'S STILL ON! AH FUCKING TRASH KID!!" he bolted back inside with immeasurable speed.
I looked down. "Victory is ours..." I was on the verge of throwing again up at the sight of the mangled hooves. "Oh Celestia, plea-" My face was met by a changeling's hind hooves.
Using his horn for support, the 'ling bucked me in the face. "Come on then princess, have at you!" I blocked the second buck, noticing the changeling was small and young.
"You are indeed brave, sir changeling, but the fight is ours."
"Oh, had enough, ay?" I face hoofed.
My sadness turned to raging, annoyed anger. "Look, your stupid bastard, you've got no hooves left!"
He tried to buck me again, but I dodged. "Yes, I have."
"Look!" He looks at his front two hooves.
"Right, I'll have him for that!" He attempts another fruitless buck. "The Queen always prevails! I'm Invincible!"
"You're a loony!"
"Have at you!"
I fired a spell, causing the last two hooves to go limp. It's obvious how fragile this changeling's pride is. I will end this. Peacefully.
I started to trot away. "Right, Changeling, we'll call it a draw."
"Oh, running, away are you? You purple bastard! Come back here and take what's comin' to ya! I'll bite your wings off!"
I meekly shut the door behind Fluttershy galloping out with a med kit. This was horrid, hopefully there was no more casualties.
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I flew over from the train station in a rush. If what my student said is true, then this is the first recorded human sighting in over 73 years. The last human discovered this dimension via a portal of his own creation, named Adolf, tried to kill all non-alicorns for his 'master race.' walking past a pale Fluttershy mopping the path to her cottage, reach the door, and before I land, a certain Draconequus appears out of nowhere.
from the looks of it you managed to startle him as he turns around. "Discord."
"Celestia?"
"You did this, didn't you! Bringing a human into this world is extremely dangerous!" Discord looked at me, puzzled.
"A Human? I came here for my afternoon tea with Fluttershy!" He took a breather. "Well, humans are a coin flip Celly, some are as nice to show us the wonders of love and family, and some just want to set the world on fire. I wouldn't endanger Fluttershy an inch." He looked like he hasn't in a while... Genuine.
"My apologies, Discord, another human has appeared in Equestria, and according to the letter I received from Twilight, he came not of his own will. You'd be the only one with the power to bring him forcefully. I want to know more about his species, so would you kindly not be teleporting him away from this dimension please?" I pout. He nods.
"To be honest, after that 'National socialist Germane worker's party' fiasco, I'm curious too." Discord knocks on the door. "I wonder if any-pony still has a swastika up on their wall."
Twilight answered the door. "Discord, why are you here?"
"He has scheduled a tea time with Fluttershy, and we happened to appear at this perfect time of crisis." I stepped through the door. "Now, where is the human?" Twilight points at the open kitchen door. A peek inside reveals a human and pink pony cooking and a... Divine scent. Oh god, the smell, it's absolutely lovely.
"Celestia, why are you drooling?" She trots over, and the smell hits her. "Oh, my..." The floor is covered in two separate pools of alicorn drool, soon followed by 1 pool of each pony type - Pegasus, earth, but no unicorn, as well as 1 pool of Fluro sulfuric acid drool from a draconequus. Fluttershy opens the door and soon also becomes entranced with the glorious smell.
After a while, the cake came out of the oven and was set on the coffee table next to the sofa. The human cuts it into 9, heads back into the kitchen, and each pony tries their portion. Twilight was the first to speak up.
"It's like an alicorn orgasm in my mouth~"
Everypony's head turned. Twilight didn't care. Well, she didn't care until she realized I, her mentor, was standing next to her. "Twilight," I said with the hardest to hold poker face. "You know your insinuating that you have had sexual relations with another alicorn, or your increasingly flexible. To my knowledge, you flunked gymnastics in my school, so what have you and my sister been up too?" Her face was redder than the pool outside the door. "Or Cadence is after more than just "one" member of the Sparkle family, fitting, for the princess of love really." Everypony was silent. It was like a mime convention.
Twilight tried to retaliate. "B-But, uhh..." the draconequus cut her off.
"Or you got a bit too drunk with your student, Celestia." That sneaky ratbag turned my words around.
"Well, if it happened, I'd record it." That shut him up.
Applejack looked visibly uncomfortable. "Let's change topic, your putting weird pictures in mah head about, uhm 'deeper' friendship."
Quick, rebuttal, Celestia. "Speaking of deepening friendships, you never did tell me what happened with your trip to Cloudsdale with Rainbow Dash, Twilight, does she taste like skittles?"
"HEY!" She shouted. "I'm right here!"
"Relax, deep friendships are spread between many friends. It'd be more fitting to ask Twilight if Rarity's carpet matched the drapes."
"P-Princess!" Twilight spoke up. "You're lucky she's still passed out." she glanced behind her. "You'd have better luck asking your nephew, Blueblood."
Wait, are you saying my nephew... Ugh, that pig.
"Ah, Princess," Applejack smirked. "Judging by you an’ Twilight's relationship, she doesn't have a vitamin D deficiency." Rainbow slyly smirked, showing she's on Applejack's side. Twilight stopped responding, blanking completely as her brain racked around as she figured out what Applejack was insinuating.
You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You little cockroaches... "And I bet your brother hasn't got scurvy, 'an apple a day'? With what you two get up to in the barn, that's more antioxidants than he needs."
"Now that's just mean, Celestia, too far." Fuck you, Rainbow dash, I'm your fucking god. Ah, the human comes back from the kitchen. I turned to Rainbow Dash.
"And let us not ask questions about how you were put bang on the top of the wonderbolt recruit list the day after you spent the 'night' with Soarin and his friend Thunderlane 7 years ago, at MY Gala, and you must have heard the rumors, Rainbow, that Rumble is not Thunderlane's brother..."
"HEY! I'll tell him you said that about Soarin and him!" Her blushed deeper
"And who will believe you, Rainbow Dash. My word, your princess, or your word, a rookie wonderbolt." That shut her up.
"I couldn't find any soda in the cupboard, guys, so I brought apple juice, the fuck though, you guys don't have anything good. Is there any good soda's in this world, purple cunt?" She was still recovering from the shock of what has just occurred.
"I-I, uhh, I d-don't even..."
"Jesus Christ we can't understand you, your dad's dick is way too far down your throat, buddy." Damn, this one's a feisty one.
I took a sip of my tea. "Hello, human."
The human turned to me. "Hi. Can you get that purple bitch to wake up and stop blanking out? Like, maybe some caffeine?"
"Humph. Twilight to wake up? Well, I have a funnel, we could try a coffee enema, they apparently work."
"Huh?" Twilight wakes back up. "What happened?" I guess seeing my true side broke her a bit. You expect a mare to live 6.214 x 10^4 years and not be a tad eccentric? "Cake, Twilight." she looks down. "Oh right." she takes another spoonful into her mouth. "Mmm, it's like an Alicorn org-"
"Twilight!" She comes back to reality. "Watch your mannerisms." She nods profusely.
"So, human, tell us about your world, and we'll send you back to it. You should have important things to be doing, no?"
"Nah. Fuck work..." He sits down.
"Well human-"
"I'm not done talking! AHHHH!!" He shouts. " I just wanna play league man... This world is full of pussies."
"Human! My royal subjects are not, as you would call, 'pussies', but honorable! You, are one of a kind." Tyler sits down, uncaringly. "Just send him home, Discord." And with a click, He's gone.
"Princess, I thought you wanted to learn from this specimen!" I sighed, before Pinkie Pie replied to Discord's question for me.
"The writer is clutching for ideas, Discord, he's pretty much tired of writing this story. He cannot think of any more plot points or how to address Tyler's violent, autistic manner anymore. He has other stuff to work on and is literally grasping at straws on how to push this story past 5000 words. Maybe an end inside joke is probably the only thing he could think of."
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Finding yourself back home and with your headphones on your head, repaired magically. Plugging the cable back in, you start hearing though your computer again. "Tyler?" a familiar voice said down the headset.
"Yes Greek?"
What could it be? "Dude, check your Twitch." A new follower milestone? An influx of viewers?
You shook your mouse to break sleep mode on your computer.
'This channel has been suspended from twitch for breaking the Terms-Of-Service guidelines.'
Author's Note
I'm really bad at writing, if it's not obvious already. Well, hopefully I didn't break any rules and can hopefully learn from experience from whatever gets spammed in the comments. Speak the truth down there, even if it's a "your trash, kid." I need to stop using window's wordpad and get MS Word.
