Edgy

Chapters

[1] The Chapter in which Essix Does Things
The Chapter in Which Essix Does Things and Gets Paid for Them.
[2] The Chapter in Which Essix Does More Things

[1] The Chapter in which Essix Does Things

Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan woke to another bright, happy morning in Ponyville.

“Five more minuterzzzz....” mumbled the lump in the bed.

Yes, that’s right. He woke up. And got out of bed.

“Nooo... don’ wan...”

The shade snapped up, released by some unseen force, and the morning sun shining through the window bathed the room in bright light. Even though most of the light was absorbed by the very black painted walls, a particularly bright beam refracted through a conveniently-placed magnifying glass hanging from the ceiling on a string and right into the face of Essix, who immediately got up.

Ahem. Who Immediately Got Up.

Okay, fine.

He did not get up. He waved his hoof at the sunlight (uselessly, mind you) and rolled over, right into the other sunbeam refracting through the other magnifying glass hanging from the ceiling. Clever, huh?

“Okay, okay... I’m getting up.” moaned our dear protagonist, rolling his way out of bed and onto the floor, which was covered in multitudes of unwashed black hoodies, and magazines of questionable content. Joining him on the floor was a single black hedgehog who was supposed to be in his tank but had escaped again.

The hedgehog’s name was Dan, and not Shadow, because this is My Little Pony and not Sonic, but Equestia Girls Essix would’ve totally named his hedgehog Shadow presuming Sonic the Hedgehog was a thing over there.

Essix’s name was Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan, which was stated earlier but I’ll remind you from time to time just in case you forget, and also because I like saying it. Or, in this case, writing it.

Essix was eighteen, all black, and was the only alicorn in Ponyville other than Twilight Sparkle, and sometimes Roseluck from down the street. He had this nasty looking scar going through one eye, but it was kind of hard to see because, as I said, he’s all black. Well, not all all black- his eyes were not all black, as the irises were a pleasing shade of icy blue, but those were often hidden behind heavily tinted sunglasses, which were currently missing. The scar was actually just a remnant from a spell gone haywire involving many kitchen utensils. It could’ve been healed easily by any capable medical pony, but Essix quite liked the look of it, or at least the idea of it as it’s honestly not too visible, as I said before.

Essix pulled himself back into bed with his telekinesis, taking a good chunk of the hoodies with him. “Ugh, Dan? Dan can you hear me?” he called out from within the pile of black blankets, black feathers, black pillows and black alicorn OC. Dutifully, Dan squeaked in affirmation from on top Essix’s desk. When did he get up there? “Send a letter to Celestia to tell her I’ll be late...” Essix instructed, before promptly rolling over again and falling out of bed a second time.

Dan dutifully picked up a nearby pen in his mouth and wrote a messy, yet quick message to Celestia on a hayburger wrapper before eating it. With a tiny burp, the message was on its way.

Finally, after several more minutes, Essix extracted himself from the pile on the floor and snagged a not-so-fresh hoodie from a drawer. After using his magic to tug the hoodie over his head and onto his body, he stumbled ungracefully to the bedroom door and managed to open it with his hoof on the third try.

Let’s give a round of applause to Essix for getting up!

“...Let’s not, and say we did.” Essix whispered to himself and maybe Dan, which was odd because Dan had not said anything.

Essix almost fell through the doorway and into the hall, but he held himself up with a wing on the wall and managed to stagger into the bathroom.

While our protagonist takes a shower, I shall tell you, dear reader (yes you, I am speaking to you directly here, hi, I hope you’re having fun out there), a bit more about him.

Essix was born at a very young age. When he was born, Essix wasn’t actually all black. His coat was this nice cream color and his mane was a light blue that matched his eyes. As he matured, his coat darkened a little bit and the feathers near the tips of his wings turned blue as well. He was a kind colt, a little reserved, and enjoyed interacting with the older ponies in his life instead of the ones his age. He always had a fascination with the Princess, and later Princesses, and had often declared to anyone who would listen that he wanted to be a princess when he grew up. He even had a little crown he wore around as he pretended to be Celestia. All very well and good, yes?

About a week after Essix moved out from his mother’s house, he dyed his entire coat and mane black, and had kept it that way ever since. He once tried to add red streaks but did the black second and just covered all of the red up. Essix would never admit this, dear reader, but he dyed his mane and coat and tried to be “cool” because felt like he was not being “Stallion Enough,” most certainly because he finally was able to meet his father, who is a rather nasty stallion, and was subsequently told by his father that Essix was not “Stallion Enough” in the first five minutes of them meeting. Feel free to dislike Essix’s father- there’s a reason Essix lived at his home with his mother instead for so many years.

And yes, Essix was an alicorn. An alicorn of what, remains to be seen. He was not a very strong alicorn, compared to Celestia, or Luna. Heck, DJ Pon3 was more magical, Pinkie Pie was twice as strong, and since he was kind of afraid of falling out of the sky, Essix didn’t fly much.

One thing Essix was, however, was intelligent. Now I don’t mean Twilight Sparkle intelligent, but maybe three-quarters Twilight intelligent. He loved his magic studies, and he loved learning about the inner workings of magic. He held patents for three new spells already, but wasn’t one to boast about them, mostly because the spells were related to cleaning. He also “secretly” had a crush on his magical studies mentor, Princess Celestia, which she was completely aware of and thought was kind of “cute,” though she would never-

“She thinks I’m cute?” said Essix, who was not still in the bathroom. “Today’s the day, then. I’ll make my move.”

And with that, he trotted into the kitchen, looking much less bedraggled and smelling significantly better. He also had a very bad idea in his head, regarding asking out a particular pony princess, but there’s nothing I can really do about that without causing myself some alicorn trouble of my own.

“Yeah, I’d show you alicorn trouble if you tried to stop me…” Essix said to the totally empty kitchen.

Essix used his magic to prepare some eggs and toast, and then mulphed it down quickly at the counter. After quickly cleaning up from breakfast, Essix headed for the door. The one that goes outside, I mean. He paused by the door for a second to allow Dan to climb into a custom-made pocket on the back-left of his hoodie, and with that, Essix opened the door and was off to the train station.

••• ••• •••

Essix entered the train station, with his headphones on. He was listening-

Hold on a second. Essix isn’t here. He’s supposed to be here. At the train station. Mmmm... nope. Must’ve left him at the house.

Just give me a moment here and...

••• ••• •••

Yes, here he is, talking with a demon. Let’s listen in.

“...seriously don’t know who the heck you are.” said Essix, trying to step around the large red blob of tentacles and eyes and tentacle eyes and eye tentacles and eye tentacles with eyes on them and so on and so forth.

The blob moved to block his way. “I come all thith way to thee you, no, to fight you, and you hath the nervth to thhhay you don’t know who I am?”

“Yes,” replied Essix, obviously annoyed. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for an important meeting with the princess.”

“Oh come ON Ethhithhhks, wow your name ith a mouthfull, jutht a quick little fight? I’ll thend you to Printheth Thelethtia right after.” The tentacles wiggled in hope. The eyes did not wiggle.

How the heck was this demon talking anyway? It didn’t have a mouth.

“How are you talking?” asked Essix, echoing your dear narrator’s own question., which he could not have possibly heard, of course.

“You know...” replied the demon.

“I don’t, actually.” rereplied our protagonist.

The thing continued, “I don’t acthually know. I jutht kind of am, I gueth?”

Meanwhile, the denizens of Ponyville carried on with their daily lives, while making sure to give Essix and the demon plenty of space. Stuff like this was pretty common. Actually, there were a number of ponies throughout Equestria that had a theory that their whole world was just a silly cartoon, but you and I both know that (at least in this case) the whole world is extremely well-written fanfiction about a cartoon.

…I suppose calling it well written may be up for debate.

“So,” started the tentacle-eye demon, “Fight me or be a wuthhh?”

“Don’t call me a wuss.” replied Essix, his fur bristling. “Don’t start with me.”

A start button appeared in midair right in front of the demon, and the demon reached out with a tentacle to press the button, stopping just in front of it.

“I’m warning you.” growled Essy-bessy. “And don’t call me Essy-bessy.”

The demon ignored him and pressed the button anyway.

Essix muttered a final word, “Fine.” before lighting his horn and sending a beam of black straight through the tentacle thing. Except the beam was not black. It was pink. It was such a shade of pink that it really did not go well with Essix’s black black on black with black black and blackity black look. This is because Essix’s magic, whether he liked it or not, was pink. It was so pink it even rivaled the pinkness of Princess Cadence, and her pinkness is not a pinkness to be trifled with.

The pink beam pierced the demon, who was not prepared for an attack, and as a result lost about twenty-seven percent of its mass, which did not include its weak point, which was the tentacle that did not have eyes all over it. The start button also demanifested somewhere in there, but heck if I know when that happened. I can’t keep track of everything!

“Aim for the no-eyed tentacle. Got it.” said Essix to no one in particular. Especially not the narrator.

Before our hero could shoot another blast of magic, the tentacle-eye demon lashed out with, well, a tentacle with a dozen eyes on it, and slapped Essix on the cheek, like, really hard.

Hard enough to send our hero flying through the wall of his own house. The wall slowed him enough that when he hit the kitchen table, it didn’t break the table. The table was pretty sturdy. A nice table. I wish I had a table like that. Anyway, Essix slid across the table and off the other side.

Now on the ground, Essix groaned, and tried to push himself back to his hooves. Somepony else grabbed one of his forelegs and helped him get up.

The pony was a green earth pony stallion with a messy black mane. His cutie marks were hidden behind some saddlebags.

“Need some help, neighbor?” asked Spades Duck with a smile. If you don’t know who Spades is, that’s okay. Just read Pickles & Milk. Or don’t. I’m not your mom, and it’s not that important to this story right now.

Essix gave his neighbor a quick smile. “Thanks, Spades.”

“You can thank me later.” replied Spades before pulling his ACME Husbando Sword (Only four easy payments of $19.95! Buy yours today!) from his saddlebags.

“I... already thanked you?” Essix said questioningly, giving Spades a side-eye.

The tentacle-eye demon schlopped itself through the hole in the wall and into Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan’s house. “I thhheeee you!” it yelled, whipping eyed-tentacles and tentacle eyes at Spades and Essix both.

Spades effortlessly blocked each strike with his sword, but the demon attacked so fast he couldn’t attack it himself. Essix used a multi-beam magical burst spell to keep the tentacles with eyes at bay while frantically searching the tentacle-eye-eye-tentacle-tentacle demon for the tentacle with no eyes.

The demon itself was growing horribly frustrated. “Why... won’t... you... DIE ALREADY YOU OVERPOWERED GARY THTU OF AN OH-THHHEEE!” More tentacles went after Spades, which gave Essix the chance he needed to launch a powerful pink blast that was perfectly aimed at the demon’s eyeless tentacle.

Immediately, the demon exploded into grey goop that got everywhere. Before either Spades or Essix could really react, the demon’s voice came from the ground.

“Ath I promithed, I will thend you to the printheth thinth you have done battle with me. And altho my name ith... Thenthixthtickarrrrrrr.”

“What?” asked Spades and Essix both.

“Thenthixthtickar.”

There was silence for a few moments before Essix spoke up. “Yeah, I can’t tell where the esses and the tee-ayches are in your name.”

“Thhhhhhen. Thix. Thhhhtick. Arrr.”

Spades sighed. “That didn’t help.”

“Howth about... Thhhen with an ethhhh, Thix altho with an ethhh, Thhhhtick with a theeee-aych, and Arrr.”

“Sensixthtickar?”

“Yeth, thathh correct. Now, I, Thenthixthtickar, will thend you to the cathle!”

And with a plorp, Essix disappeared, leaving Spades in the kitchen and grey goop all over the damn place. Spades left, probably to take a shower.

••• ••• •••

Essix was moderately late for his magic lesson thingamajig, but Celestia wasn’t worried. Essix was usually late to his lessons, but he always sent a letter ahead to let her know. This time was no different, and she had already received and read the letter written by Dan the hedgehog. So, Celestia waited in the library, laying on a cushion behind a short table and sipping her tea. She was unaware that Essix had just battled a demon (and gained a level, but we’ll get to that later). Thus, she was not expecting a warp tunnel to open in the floor and definitely wasn’t expecting Essix to be spat out of it.

“Hey Princess.” said Essy-bessy from his spot where he was spat. “Don’t call me that!”

“Good morning... Essix. I did not know you were practicing warp spells. They are much more draining than teleportation. And don’t call you what?”

“Nevermind. Wasn’t me that did the warp-spell. I fought a demon named Sensixthtickar and because I won, he warped me here.”

“Well, that explains the grey goop.”

“Should I... like wash it off?”

“Try using your magic. It’s always good to practice.” Celestia said before taking another sip of her tea.

Essix lit his horn and began to peel away layers of grey goopy gunk with his telekinesis. Dan crawled out from the pocket on the hoodie and waved with his tiny paw to Celestia, who smiled at the hedgehog.

“So, if you haven’t been practicing warp tunnels, what have you been practicing?” asked Celestia after taking a sip of her tea.

“I’ve been practicing using multiple spells at the same time.” said Essix, flipping his mane back as he continued removing grey goop from his wings. This motion flicked grey goop from his mane all over the place.

Celestia sighed at the fresh mess and then said “Show me.”

Essix didn’t reply with words. That’s because he didn’t talk. Instead, he cast another spell that made an illusionary fire appear on the floor in front of him, while continuing to use his telekinesis on the grey goop. While holding the illusion, he cast another spell which animated a broom so that it swept over to him and began to clean grey goop off of the floor.

“Three at once. Very good. Do you want to try four?” said Celestia, setting down her teacup. She leaned forward and peered at our protagonist, watching him closely for any signs of magical fatigue.

Essix cast another spell that froze a circle on the ground with ice from the water vapor in the air, and then animated some of the ice into a bass guitar, which began to play on its own. It wasn’t really playing anything, as Essix wasn’t the best at music. He began to sweat.

“You’re doing much better than a week ago. Try to hold all four for as long as you can.”

Essix held, but only barely. With one final sweep of his magic, he dropped all four spells and fell into a heap on the floor, panting heavily. The broom fell over, leaving the grey goop in a single pile. The guitar sublimated back into water vapor, and the illusionary fire disappeared.

“Princess?” panted Essix, who had decided to do the thing that I said he probably shouldn’t do near the start of this chapter.

“Yes, Essix? What is it?” asked Celestia worriedly. It was nothing, and Essix got up and left without a word. Please.

Except he didn’t. Instead, he continued to do the thing he really really shouldn’t do. He asked “Do you like me?”

“Essix...” started Celestia, but she didn’t continue immediately. She sighed. “Essix, you’re a good pony. You’re just... misguided at times. And to be frank, the all-black look doesn’t suit you at all.”

“That’s... very honest of you, but not what I meant. Do you, like, like like me?”

“Like like like?”

“You know, like me in, like, that way.”

“In what way? I’m not sure I follow.” Celestia furrowed her brow and stared at Essix.

It was at this moment that Essix remembered that he had leveled up after defeating the tentacle eye demon and he put a point into charisma, and added the skill “way with words,” which introduced extra dialogue options in certain situations. Honestly, in my opinion, he shoulda gone for arcana and gained more magic skills, ‘cuz he likes magic and my poor boy is not gonna rizz up any princesses any time soon.

“Princess Celestia, would you date me?” asked Essix, choosing the very not recommended dialogue option.

Celestia dropped her teacup, spilling tea on the rug. “Oh dear.”

“I’ll take that as a “no.” "

“Essix, my most… unusual student, you are far too young. You have way too much life ahead of you. Perhaps when you’re older. A lot older. Have you heard of the age gap creepiness factor?”

“Oof.” said Essix, leaning on his black sword that he has and I just forgot to mention earlier. He impaled the carpet as he leaned on it.

“Essix, what did I say about swords in the castle?”

Yeah, Essix. What did she say about swords in the castle?

Essix sighed. “No leaning on swords in the castle.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow at him. “...And?”

Essix frowned, and Celestia stared at the sword that was sunk several inches into the carpeted floor.

“...No destruction of Crown property? C’mon Princess, I told you that this sword is cursed! I can’t leave it behind, even if I wanted to!”

Celestia snorted. “That doesn’t mean you had to unsheathe it, Essix.”

“This is true.” he replied, nodding twice and resheathing his cursed blade.

It was at this moment that a member of the royal guard opened the library door and looked in. She spotted Celestia, and then Essix, just as Essix and Celestia spotted her peeking in. They stared at each other for a few moments until Celestia spoke up.

“Is there something wrong?” she asked, concern rising on her face.

The guard’s eyes widened before she opened the door a bit farther and smiled sheepishly. “Nothing out of the ordinary, my Princess. I was just... ah... seeing what was going on in here. That was all.” The guard stared at Essix for a few seconds before ducking back out and quietly shutting the door.

“Who was that?” asked Essix, who was leaning on his sword again, creating another cut in the carpet. And the floor beneath.

“Your sword.”

“Ah.” Essix resheathed his sword again. “Sorry.”

“Mmmm. That was... Sunrise Shields. If I am to be correct, and that usually is the case,” Celestia paused to chuckle, “She guards the Royal Archives, which are right across from the library. She seemed oddly excited.” Celestia decided not to mention the thing, because Essix’s ego was already huge.

“What thing?” Essix asked to the air.

“Hmm?” Celestia frowned at Essix, not understanding.

“Sorry. Not talking to you. What thing?” Essix asked again, but received no answer as whoever he was asking the question to would get in trouble for answering and he knew this.

“Essix? I think we should cut today’s lesson short.”

“Huh? Why?”

“You seem to be a bit... out of it today. We’ll still meet on Thursday, like usual. Maybe get some rest-“

Essix stood up and interrupted Celestia. “I’m gonna go to the roof to sit for a while. I’ll... see you on Thursday.”

As he headed for the door, Celestia stood, but didn’t say anything until right before he left. “Please try not to be-“ The door closed with a click. “-late.”

She looked down at her spilled teacup and the fresh stain on the carpet. “Yes, I think it’s for the best that he doesn’t know about his fan club.”

Author's Note

I listened to Bring Me To Life on a loop while writing this.

The Chapter in Which Essix Does Things and Gets Paid for Them.

Alright, where were we? Oh that’s right! Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan! Who is the main character of this story! Ah yes, he just got on a pegasus-pulled bus to get to his job! Now, you might just be wondering what Essix’s job was, what with being an alicorn and having a cursed sword and all that. Well, you’ll just have to wait and find out, won’t you?

“I clean stuff.” said Essix from where he was sitting at the back of the bus, ruining the suspense I was trying to build. “I find it very calming, actually.”

“Huh?!?” shouted the bus-puller pegasus, whose name was Rascal. “You sayin’ somethin’?!?” he continued to shout.

“Sorry, I wasn’t talking to you!” Essix shouted back.

“What?!?” shouted Rascal the bus flier, slowing down a little.

“Nothing!!” Essix shouted back, a little louder than before.

“WHAT?!?” shouted Rascal, but louder than the previous time.

”NOTHING!!!” shouted Essix, amplifying his voice with his magic this time.

“OH OKAY!!!”

Essix suddenly found himself about to lean on his sword again, probably due to annoyance, and stopped himself before he impaled the bus and possibly ruined the hover crystals. A few minutes later, the bus flier pulled into the next stop and a few more ponies got on. Each of them in turn looked to the back of the bus, where Essix was sitting, and then sat down somewhere in the front.

After a few more stops, the bus landed at Essix’s stop, so he made his way to the front, thanked Rascal the bus pegasus, who will be a recurring character, and got off.

In front of Essix Darryl Gertine Yonnican was a small, two-story cottage. It had a brown shingled roof, and cream concrete walls, with brown shutters around the windows. Out front there was a small garden, containing native flowers. While the building seemed very unassuming, it was actually the headquarters for Equestria’s best cleaning service. Not “self proclaimed,” no asterisk, just The Best™. Ever wondered who helps rebuild after the big disasters? Who keeps the royal palace spick and span? Who made Canterlot look like nothing had happened only a day and a half after the dual royal wedding and changeling invasion? It was The Best™. Which is the company’s name. Just, making sure that was clear.

Essix had worked with The Best™ for a few years now- he was pretty good at his role, and they paid well. Nocreature seemed to mind his particular proclivities very much, especially since he was decent at his job.

He walked up the path to the front door and opened it with his magic, revealing a large grey concrete box of a room with chairs for waiting off to the right and left, and a wooden desk with a lamia behind it. The lamia was the receptionist- she was dark green with light green stripey things, and a jet black mane. Behind her was a pair of silvery elevators, set into the wall.

“Good morning Matilda.” Essix said, closing the door behind him and walking up to the desk.

Good morning Essssix!” Matilda hissed while stapling some papers together. “Jusssst two jobssss for you today, unlesssss-”

Essix interrupted her. “No, I will not be doing any of the maid outfit jobs. No matter how good they pay.”

“It wasssss worth a sssshot.” Matilda flashed him a fangy smile as she stapled more papers. She set down the papers and the stapler and slid Essix a manilla folder containing today’s assignments.

“Asssssss per usssual, the company shuttle is stocked with supplies- just grab what you need before you get off.” Matilda ssaid, picking her stapler back up and stapling more papers together.

“Thanks, Matilda.” Essix replied, before picking up the folder and heading back out the front doors to board the incredibly convenient company shuttle that had just pulled up.

••• ••• •••

Essix arrived at his first assignment- hold on, it looks like the company shuttle hasn’t arrived yet. Well. Uh.

Hm.

Nice weather out today. Or not. It depends on where you live, really. I am, of course, narrating this from not outside, but that’s okay because I will go outside later!

…

Uh huh.

…

Ah, here he is.

The company shuttle pulled up to the curb. In this case, the shuttle is just a small bus with The Best™ branded on the side. Essix disembarked the shuttle, carrying his cursed sword in its scabbard and the company-issued saddlebags full of cleaning supplies.

He looked at the Canterlotian Cottage before him and compared it to the picture he had been given. It looked much older and mustier in real life, which was the problem he had been assigned to fix. He grunted and headed inside as the shuttle drove off to drop off more passengers elsewhere.

Once the door was closed behind him, Essix dropped his saddlebags by the mat and headed into the main hall. He lit his horn, casting a pinkish hue over the main hall. The pink flowed from his horn, forming a thin layer over his body, causing him to glow ever-so-slightly. He then spread his wings out fully, and began to vibrate.

Yes, vibrate. Intensely. He held his wings stiffly, and they vibrated too. The air around him vibrated. The whole house vibrated. And like magic, the cobwebs in the corner vaporized. The dust on so many surfaces just... vanished. The three ghosts that had been haunting the house suddenly found themselves in Japony for some reason. Drains unclogged. Squeaky doors became unsqueaky.

And to be honest, I don’t know how he did it.

Essix smiled to himself and vibrated for another minute before stopping. The pink retreated back into his horn. If he had gone any longer, the neighbors might’ve complained.

Still, like, how did he even figure out he could do that? Who just... vibrates to clean stuff?

“Now for the windows,” he said, firing off a wide flat beam spell to clean the windows he could see. He went from room to room, cleaning the windows with his beam spell.

Ok so like, why did the ghosts go to Japony? How does vibration send a ghost to Japony? I don’t get it.

“And I won’t tell you. It’s more fun that way.” Essix said to the empty, much cleaner house.

It took him a while, but he finished wide-beaming the windows. After taking a moment for a break break, he headed outside to take care of the outside windows.

Ok so the wide beam is like a pressure washer. Like super satisfying to watch. And Essix was really good at it, which makes it even better to watch. So Essix wasn’t surprised when the neighbors came out to watch Essix do his magic. They were mesmerized.

When he finished, everycreature clapped. Including Princess Luna, who was disguised as a bush for some reason.

Alicorn Starlight Glimmer from the Future also clapped, and then noticed Luna clapping from the bush. With incredibly convenient timing, the company shuttle pulled up to the curb just as Essix finished laser-washing the final window on the house, leaving it looking almost exactly like the picture I mentioned him looking at earlier. Even the flowers and plants in the garden were looking more lively. I’m not sure if Essix’s vibration did that or if they were just happy. Plants can be happy, you know.

Anyway, Essix grabbed his unused cleaning supplies from the house and re-boarded the shuttle to go to his next destination, which was nowhere near here and also nowhere near Alicorn Starlight Glimmer from the Future.

••• ••• •••

Essix’s second job was a post-haunting cleanup, which meant ectoplasm, which just so happened to be immune to his vibration tactics. I know this because Essix had just said “Damn, I can’t use my vibration to take care of the ectoplasm.” when looking at the file for his next assignment. You know it because I just told you.

A few minutes later, Essix disembarked the shuttle again and found himself in front of a haunted house. Like, an actual haunted house. Both because of the ghosts that had been in it and because it was used every year as a Nightmare Night haunted house. There was even a sign out front that read “Haunted House: 5 bits. Currently closed due to actual ghosts- we apologize for the inconvenience.”

Essix headed inside and looked around. It all looked pretty normal for a haunted house besides the ectoplasm on the chandelier, and the ectoplasm on the carpet (it doesn’t stain), and the ectoplasm on the rug (it does stain), and the ectoplasm on the unusually large grandfather clock (great grandfather clock?) and the trail of ectoplasm leading up the stairs, undoubtedly towards more ectoplasm. So yeah, aside from the ectoplasm, normal haunted house.

Essix used his telekinesis to scoop up the ectoplasm and put it into Ectoplasmic Containment Carriers, commonly known as heavy-duty trash bags. He kept doing this until he could see no more ectoplasm in the entrance area, so he moved on to the next first-floor room and kept scooping. Now, Essix could’ve just lasered away the ectoplasm, but it was useful for various medical applications when properly altered. In its natural state, it was just goop that smelled weird and stained rugs, but didn’t stain carpets. When altered, it can become a powerful anesthetic and antiseptic, and is widely valued in the worldwide medical community for those very properties. Which was why Essix was collecting it in the Ectoplasmic Containment Carriers. Because it gave him bonus pay. Of course, he could get more bonus pay if he did one of the maid outfit jobs-

“I will never. EVER. Do the maid outfit jobs.” Essix said, blushing, not interrupting anyone as no one besides him was there. Probably… “I wouldn’t look good in one anyway.” he whispered to himself.

Essix Darryl Gertine Yonnican (I am contractually obligated to use his full name regularly) continued his cleaning until the ground floor was clean of ectoplasm, and then headed upstairs, where he immediately came nose-to-nose with a ghost. He couldn’t see the ghost, though, so he just walked right through her. She didn’t seem to mind, though. Also, she wasn’t one of the ectoplasmic ghosts- those are usually rowdy and like to throw things and eat your food just before you bite into it. Stuff like that. No, this ghost was named Key and she looked like an all-white pony with grey eyes that had no pupils or color. And no back legs- instead she had a little squiggly that most ghosts have. You know what I’m talking about, right? The little wibbly wobbly thing that’s kind of like a tail but it replaces the back legs and squiggles when they move? Kind of like an eel, but I feel like calling this ghost pony’s squiggly eel-like would be rude so forget I said that.

Essix ignored the ghost as he couldn’t see her and she wasn’t trying to be problematic, and followed the ectoplasmic trail into an upstairs bedroom that looked like it had been converted into a sort of costume change room for the creatures that worked at the haunted house when it wasn’t being haunted by ectoplasmic entities. He continued scooping the goo off of the floor and ceiling (surprisingly, no goo was on any of the remaining costumes), and then paused, looking in the tall mirror in one corner at his reflection. He stared for a full ten seconds before turning away, his face unreadable, as he inspected the various costumes hanging on the racks. He took a mild interest in a witch costume, complete with the tall, wide-brimmed hat, but figured it was best to not mess with anything that wasn’t his.

After one more longing look at the costume rack, Essix left the room, ignoring the very obvious attic door in the ceiling that had been Absolutely Dripping with ectoplasmic slime. He’ll, uh, come back to that later.

To his surprise, Essix found only a few goo-blobs in the other upstairs rooms, which was because Key (the nice ghost I mentioned before) had cleaned a lot of it up by eating it while Essix was looking at costumes, because she wanted to help.

Essix suddenly said “Thank you.” while removing the last remaining glob of goo from the tertiary bathroom’s bathtub, perhaps in an attempt to thank the friendly ghost, but she was not in that room, because she had gone up into the attic. “Oh. Well, I’ll thank her later.”

After double-checking the rest of the second floor rooms, Essix went back into the costume-bedroom, and pulled the cord to drop the attic stairs.

The attic stairs dropped. And with them, the lake of ectoplasm that had been in the attic started pouring out.

Time slowed. Essix’s eyes went wide. He was fast, but he wasn’t fast enough to stop the flow of ectoplasm from hitting him.

Key, however, was fast, ‘cuz ghosts. She did a ghost thing and made a ghost protective barrier over Essix, to protect him from the ectoplasm. Not that ectoplasm did anything bad to you- as I said before, it was just goop that smelled weird and stained rugs, but didn’t stain carpets. But it would have been gross and icky and maybe a little funny for you and I but mostly gross and icky.

Since ghosts can interact with other ghosts, and also things made by other ghosts, the ectoplasm was deflected by Key’s barrier, all over the costume room. And the costumes.

Essix stood there in stunned silence for a minute. Like, an actual minute. And then he spoke. “Well. Thanks for that. That, uh, would’ve been nasty.”

Key was very happy to be not only recognized, but thanked. She was so happy, she, uh, well. I’ll mention that later. Essix squinted his eyes for a moment before grabbing more Ectoplasmic Containment Carriers and shoveling ectoplasm into them with his magic. It took him like, two hours to get it all, but it would become quite the hefty bonus when he turned it in later. Getting it off of the costumes was mostly easy thanks to one of his patented cleaning spells, but it was time consuming as he carefully checked each costume for any leftover ectoplasm before hanging them back up. He inspected the witch costume extra-thoroughly.

Finally, he headed into the attic and removed the remaining ectoplasm from up there too, which went without incident.

Once he was certain he had gotten it all, Essix took all six of the Ectoplasmic Containment Carriers (they were very big bags) outside. The shuttle was already waiting at the curb, as The Best™ has The Best™ timing. Essix loaded the bags into the back of the shuttle, but instead of getting on himself, he went back into the haunted house.

Essix waited for a moment before calling out “Key? Are you there?”

She was, in fact, there. She, well, she hadn’t left Essix’s side after he thanked her, actually. If he could have heard her, he would have heard her humming a happy little tune.

“Uh, thanks again for your help. I, uh, appreciate it!” He turned to go, but just before he went out the door, Key gave him another kiss on the cheek. Yeah you read that right. Another. Because she gave him a kiss on the cheek when he thanked her the first time, but, uh, I didn’t mention that because, uh, reasons I can’t say without attracting unwanted attention from a certain Alicorn from the Future. Of course, Essix didn’t know any of this. His face flushed for some other reason, of course. Not that anycreature would have been able to see his face turn red through all of the black coat-dye. “I-I’ll see you l-later” he stammered, suddenly very nervous for no discernible reason whatsoever. And then he left, to first bring the ectoplasm back to The Best™ so he could get his job pay and the ectoplasm bonus, and then back to his house to prepare for his upcoming Not-A-Date with Sunrise Shields.

If you’re wondering, he got an extra 200-something bits for all that ectoplasm, which is a lot.

Author's Note

Look, normal Starlight Glimmer is scary enough, so I do not want to deal with the older, craftier, alicornified version.

[2] The Chapter in Which Essix Does More Things

Essix sat on a cushion under an overhang in front of the royal library, an open book hovering in his pink magic while a light rain pattered the cobblestone walkways of the outer castle grounds. Despite looking like he was reading the book, he was actually watching the solitary guardsmare across the street as she stood in front of the Royal Archives. This was the very same guard from the previous chapter- one Sunrise Shields. Essix was also waiting for the bus so he could go to work, but that’s less important.

As for his visit to the roof mentioned earlier, he had tried to go up there to converse with some random entity called the narrator. You wouldn’t know them. Definitely not me. Even if it was me, I time-skipped to the bus stop, so I didn’t hear anything he said. Essix, of course, wouldn’t know that I have to follow some rules, or else I get in trouble with a particularly crafty alicorn.

Anyway.

“She’s pretty good-looking, isn’t she?” said a silvery voice from Essix’s left, startling him to the point that the book he was “reading” fell out of his magic. Before it could hit the ground, the book was caught by a green feathered wing with sea-green tips, presumably that of a pegasus.

Essix almost said “Hua wah hah wubah,” which would’ve been funny, but instead he didn’t. He took the book out of the wing with his magic, and then looked over to see who had snuck up on him.

Sitting on a dark blue cushion next to him was a tall, speckled green pegasus mare with an orangey-yellowey-orange-yellow mane. She smiled at him and held out a banana to him with her other wing. “Banana?”

Essix was not one to turn up his nose at free food, and while it was a bit odd, he took the banana in his magic and set it on top of his book. “...Thanks?”

“I’m Fruit!” said the pegasus suddenly.

“You’re a pegasus.” replied Essix, a bit confused.

“Yep!” she replied cheerily.

“Not a fruit.” Essix continued.

The pegasus’s eyes went wide for a moment before she laughed. “No, silly. That’s my name. Fruit Flier.”

Essix felt a little embarrassed. “O-oh. Nice to meet you.”

They sat in silence for a few seconds before Fruit spoke up again. “...And you are?”

“Oh! Sorry! I’m Essix.”

“Nice to meet you too, Essix.”

They sat for a few seconds before Essix broke the silence. “So...”

Fruit looked over to him. “So, that mare across the street you keep glancing at is really cute, wouldn’t you say?”

“U-uhh-” stammered Essix. His stammering was interrupted by Fruit. The pony, not the banana.

“Not as cute as my marefriend, but that’s just personal taste, you know? You should go talk to her.”

“Excuse me?” Essix stared at the pegasus like she had five heads. Not like she had six heads, though, as that’s too many.

“Go, like, say hi. Say that you think she’s cute.”

“What?”

“Oh and you can give her this banana. It’s a good banana.” Fruit held out a second banana in her wing.

“Look, I- I don’t even know you- or her- and you want me to ask her out? I already got rejected once today.”

“Trust me.” Fruit replied with a winning smile. “It’ll go fiiiiiiiiine.” The rain suddenly stopped, and the weather pegasi flying above pushed the clouds off to somewhere else.

“No, no, this is crazy.” Essix shook his head.

He was right, though. It was crazy. Crazy enough that it might work, perhaps? Maybe?

Essix looked up. “You really think so?”

“Yeah! I believe in you!” replied Fruit, startling Essix.

“Fine.” Essix got up and set his book and fresh banana on the cushion before taking the other banana from Fruit’s outstretched wing. “I’ll try.”

Essix started across the street, determination and a bit of fear in his eyes. He had taken five steps when he was startled by a loud HONK from the bus that he was in the way of. He almost did a backflip, which would’ve been funny, but instead he flailed and accidentally threw the banana into the air.

“ESSIX GET THE BANANA!” yelled Fruit from where she sat.

Essix dove majestically and caught the banana.

“Potassium.” said Fruit.

So anyway, the bus. It wasn’t a bus in the sense that you or I would recognize it as such, as it was little more than a covered cart with a plethora of seats in it, but that’s the term ponies used to refer to such a transportation method. Originally, busses were pulled by a team of up to twelve pegasi depending on the size of the bus and distance it needed to travel. These teams had to be highly skilled in order to not flip the bus while it was in flight. It was accidents where this happened (the flipping) that caused ponies to attach wings and stabilizers to busses, as well as reduce their size a bit. For some time, a moderately sized bus could be pulled by just two pegasi, given that they had a large enough takeoff strip. With recent magical augmentation developments, busses are able to almost hover on their own above the ground, even at full occupancy. The hover crystals that cause this also help to keep the bus oriented towards any force that might cause a passenger to fall out, thus allowing the pegasi pullers to take sharper turns if required. A little fun factoid for you: the initial tests for the hover crystals allowed the entire cart to hover on its own, but the increased power needed to do such a thing also impacted the “keep passengers in the bus” thingamajig so it kinda flung ponies. Really far.

Also! The honk! The honk was from the pegasus pulling this bus. Why they honked, I do not know. All I know is that they honked. Like a bus from our world.

Anyway.

Essix continued across the street, making sure to check both ways this time before crossing. As he got closer, he could see that Sunrise Shields (the guardsmare, if you’ve forgotten) had been watching him intently. Their eyes met for a moment, and they both looked away. Aww, how cute!

Essix finished his crossing and climbed the stairs up towards the guardsmare. As he approached, he could hear her whistling something off-key, and could see her looking anywhere but at him.

“Uh,” he started.

A look of panic crossed Sunrise’s face before she caught herself and turned back to guard mode.

Sunrise Shields was (and still is) an earth pony. Imagine Sunset Shimmer, the baconhorse herself. Now imagine Sunset’s sister. Simply said, Sunrise Shields is Sunset Shimmer’s sole Sister. Sunrise’s mane, which was partially hidden under her guard helmet, was a sunrise-yellow with a single sunrise-orange stripe. The back of her mane was braided neatly. Sunrise’s coat was a sunrise-orangey-yellow. I need better names for these colors.

In the time it took you to read that, absolutely nothing happened. Essix and Sunrise stood across from each other awkwardly avoiding eye contact and not saying anything. Across the street, Fruit Flier facehoofed.

“So!” they both said at the same time. “Oh! Sorry!” they both continued to say at the exact same time. There was a moment of silence as each waited for the other to speak before they both spoke up again “You go first! Sorry!” There was another silence and then, again at the same time “Really, you go first!”

The curse was broken when Essix was beaned (or perhaps banana’d) in the back of his head with a banana, which had been thrown by Fruit Flier who was still across the street. “Ow!” said Essix, not at the same time as Sunrise because Sunrise did not say ow because she had not been banana’d in the back of the head by Fruit Flier who was still across the street.

“Oh! Are you alright, Essix?” asked Sunrise. “Was that a... banana?”

“Yeah, sorry.” replied Essix, rubbing the back of his head. “It did desync us though!”

“Yeah. I guess that’s good. So, uh...” Sunrise’s eyes suddenly found the ground very interesting. “Uh, why’d you come over here?”

“Well, uhh, I, uhh, so, uhh, well, you see, erm, Stars, uh, so...” Essix stammered and looked up to the sky as if looking for help.

The next thing Essix said was I think you’re cute.

“Uh, I think you’re cute!” said Essix with a tad too much enthusiasm. He continued to look up into the sky, not wanting to see Sunrise’s reaction.

“Uh,” started Sunrise. “Your sword. It’s cutting into the concrete.”

“Oh!” Essix looked down and he was indeed leaning on his sword again and it was indeed slowly cutting into the concrete beneath. “Sorry. Bad habit.” He sheathed the cursed sword and glanced at Sunrise quickly before returning his gaze to the sky. She had been blushing, and it was very cute.

“You think I’m cute?” asked Sunrise, her voice wavering a little.

Essix put his (spare) sunglasses on with his magic before looking at the guardsmare again. He felt so much more comfortable with them on. “Yeah. You’re pretty cute. Do you want to date?” Mentally, Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan was beating himself up. He thought he sounded stupid, and to some that may have been the case. “You’re not helping.” he grumbled just to himself, too quiet for Sunrise to hear.

“I-uh, well!” said Sunrise, pulling Essix’s attention away from his mental beatup. “I... I honestly want to say yes, but maybe we should just hang out first. Become friends! Yes! That!”

“Oh, uh, okay. Yeah, that sounds cool.” Despite the dating denial, Essix felt a little excited at the prospect of hanging out with another pony his age. He did his best to hide his growing excitement but it squidged its way out as a slight fluttering of his folded wings. “Oh, uh, here.” Essix held out the banana in his magic. “For you.”

Sunrise took the banana in her hoof. “Thanks. I like bananas.”

Across the street, Fruit Flier whispered to herself “Potassium.” Nopony heard her.

Essix settled his wings. “So, uh, when do you want to hang out?”

“Are you free tonight?” Sunrise moved her hoof as if pushing hair out of her eyes, but there was no hair to push, so it was more of a face wipe without really wiping anything.

“Yeah, uh,” Essix took a moment to think. He had his job, but that probably wouldn’t take too much time, so he should be fine. He wasn’t visiting his mother until tomorrow, the chess match with Spades was on Thursday, and he met his weekly demon fight quota already, so everything should work out fine. “Yeah. That’d work. Wanna meet back here then?”

“That’d be perfect, actually.” Sunrise tipped her head in thought. “I get off at seven, so we can meet a bit after that?”

“Yeah. Yeah that’d work.” Essix nodded. He continued nodding. Essix should stop nodding. Essix stopped nodding suddenly.

Across the street, a bus pulled up. Essix looked over and saw that the bus was his bus. Well, not a bus he owned- really just the bus he needed to take to get to his job.

“Uh, that’s my bus.” He flashed a quick smile before turning and starting down the stairs. When he was almost at the bottom, he turned and shouted up at Sunrise “I’ll see you later!” He continued walking backwards as he did so and almost fell off of the curb, which would’ve been funny, but I said “almost” because he did not fall off of the curb and thus there was no funny.

“See you later Essix!” Sunrise Shields shouted back while she waved. She watched Essix get to the other side, hoofbump the green pegasus at the bus stop, and get on the bus. Her brown eyes, which I forgot to mention were brown until now, tracked the bus as the bus pegasus pulled it up into the sky. She breathed a massive sigh of relief before doing a little dance on the spot.

“I can’t believe Essix wants to hang out with me!” Sunrise said to herself. “I’ll have to tell the others at our meeting tomorrow!” She stopped dancing to think. “But I could also not tell them and keep him all to myself! What to do?”

My dear reader, you may have realized by now that Sunrise is indeed part of the small-but-dedicated Essix Darryl Gertine Yonniccan Fan Club. By some miracle, Essix was completely unaware of its existence, which is why I’ve never mentioned it when he was around. I don’t need him to have an even bigger ego, after all.

There was a sudden flash from the alley next to the royal archives, and out from the alley walked a light purple alicorn. Not Twilight Sparkle. I would never be so lucky. No, it was Starlight Glimmer, from the future. And that, dear reader, is where we leave Starlight and Sunrise so we can follow Essix at his job in the next chapter and not for any other reason.

Author's Note

Why did the Essix cross the road? To get on the bus.