Respawn?

In the morning, I got up and went downstairs, finding William already sitting at the table. He was looking through a couple of books. “Where’d you get those from?” I asked as I was sliding down the banister.

“I marked pretty much every useful book that I saw in the Golden Oaks library, so that I could teleport them to me and back at will. It also helps because, as OCD as Twilight seems, her library does not have a coherent organization scheme. For example, you remember ‘Fifty Shades of Hay’?” I nodded, and he continued, “Yeah, that was in the middle of a shelf of spellbooks. That was a pretty common theme, her having all of the books in random places. She’s lucky that no one ever goes in there, though in all honesty, she might be the reason.”

I shrugged, “Bitchy mares gonna be bitchy. Also, she’s a yutz, who cares, let’s go tell Celly what’s up with her ponies.” William shrugged, and teleported us out to the bend in the road past the gate into Canterlot. I remembered seeing it when the guard had flown us to see the Princesses a week ago, and it seemed William remembered it. We made our way around the bend, coming up on the gate.

When we reached the gate, and one of the guards shouted, “HALT! State your names and business.”

William and I introduced ourselves, and the second guard said, “By decree of Prince Blueblood the XIII, no non-pony races may enter Canterlot, with the exception of diplomatic envoys. Are you part of a diplomatic envoy?”

I nodded, “Yup, straight to Celestia herself. Big message.”

The guards looked at each other. “What is your message? We’ll deliver it to the Princess for you.”

I frowned, and William cut in, “Gentlemen, we are here representing the Deer Kingdom within the Everfree, and if you do not stand aside, we will have to report to the master of the Everfree, Father Ash, that you turned us away.” The guards, who were already white, visibly paled.

“Of course, would you like a guard escort?” William shook his head, and they bowed.

After we got out of earshot of the two guards, William said to me, “And there’s strike one, we feigned that we were members of a diplomatic envoy, and they believed it, letting us through even though we didn’t have any flags or papers with us. I’m curious to see if, with minor suggestion spells alone, we can get all the way into Celestia’s presence without alerting the guards.”

I grunted at him, “So, Blueblood’s part of the racism problem, eh? Guess I know who I’ll be talking to.”

William laughed slightly, “Well, let’s see how this goes.” We made our way through another several checkpoints, each time making the same claim, and each time having it work.

By the time we reached the castle, there was an escort waiting for us, and a unicorn in purple armor stepped forward, saying, “Good afternoon gentlecolts, I have been informed that you are here as diplomatic envoys for the Deer Kingdom, and am here to escort you to Her Majesty Princess Celestia.”

William nodded, and I followed along, this being his show and all. After making our way through the many halls of the palace, we arrived at the throne room, if the giant ass doors were anything to go by. An announcer announced us, and I strutted into the room, shouting, “Hey sunbuns, look who your guards let in without verifying any identification?!”

Celestia began laughing as her guards looked around in confusion. No one noticed William leaving, and as he left he cast a spell on Shining’s helmet. Suddenly, all of the guards tackled Shining, and after laughing for a couple of minutes, Celestia dispelled the magic.

I then looked to Celestia seriously after she calmed down “Okay, sunbuns, It’s time to be serious.”

She looked taken aback slightly before nodding “O-okay?”

I took out a list and handed it to her “This is my list of grievances with the ponies of Equestria, you may have been lead to believe that your citizens are loving and tolerant people, but… well… I just have to look at the guards for the city gate to see racism. Apparently someone named Prince Blueblood XIII has put an effective ban on the Canterlot guard permitting entry to non ponies that are not diplomats.”

Celestia had already read the scroll by the time that I had written, along with the naming of who did what specifically, and was already fuming with anger, the room raising dramatically in temperature. When I told her about Blueblood, her mane went aflame, “HE WHAT?!”

I nodded, “Just ask William when he came back, we had to say we were Deer diplomats just to get in.”

She barked an order to Shining to bring in Blueblood to her immediately, at which he seemed more than glad to do. I looked to her and smiled “It’s good to see you care, Celly. I uh… I was worried you wouldn’t.”

She was still livid as she responded, “Of course I care, my people are supposed to be accepting of all, not bigoted and hateful like this!” She turned to Blueblood as he was brought in by Shining, and raged at him, “So, dearest nephew, I hear you have been instructing the royal guard of Canterlot to turn away all members of non pony races who are not part of diplomatic envoys, is this true?” she said, in a painfully calm voice.

He looked shocked at finding out that he had been found out, before he saw me. “Auntie, that thing must be telling you bold faced lies! You know I am your head diplomat!”

I frowned before walking up to him and growled out what I said next. “I challenge you to a duel, the winner takes the losers title, land, and possessions. First one rendered incapable of fighting anymore loses. Right here, right now.”

Blueblood looked to Celestia in shock, seeming to be ignoring me “Auntie, will you allow this monster to-”

*SLAP!*

“I have had it with you ponies and your shitty ass attitudes to other races!” I then looked to Celestia “Will you bear witness to our duel?!”

She nodded grimly, her disgust at Blueblood evident in her eyes. “Indeed, make it painful, James.”

Blueblood then did the last thing I expected from him, he actually stabbed me in the back, he made a magical construct and stabbed me in the mother fucking back like a pansy ass coward! “It seems I win, then, monster.” he sneered.

I grinned as I began to die, letting my Respawn move me to right behind him, “Don’t be so sure.”

I immediately clocked him in the back of the head upon respawning and smiled, him falling to the floor like a sack of potatoes as I then took out my smithing hammer and chisel. At Celestia’s look at me, I spoke, “I would of just broken his horn, to teach him some humility, but now? Both his horn and his arms.”

[P.O.V. William]

After casting a ‘Want it, Need it’ spell on Shining Armor’s helmet, I started walking through the castle. I only had two simple spells on myself, a basic light warping spell, and a weak ‘Ignore Me’ spell. Both of these spells were rated Delta level, so any unicorn could use them. As I was going through the castle, I saw Shining Armor dragging a pompous looking unicorn behind him, saying, “Ever since Nightmare Moon returned, you guards have become more impetuous!” I tripped the asshole, after learning that his name was Blueblood, and I continued making my way through the castle, memorizing the layout, and made my way to Luna’s quarters. Coincidentally, she was also heading there, I assume from the dining room, so I just followed behind her.

After following her to her quarters, she opened the door, and I followed in close behind her, making sure not to touch anything. She took off her crown and tossed it onto her nightstand and sighed, at which I said, “So, what’s got you down, blue moon?” from behind her. She jumped and yelped adorably, firing a blast of magic at the spot that I had been in. I dodged out of the way, and her guards rushed in, having heard the commotion.

They spotted me sitting in an armchair in the corner of the room, and they moved to arrest me, but Luna stopped them saying, “This one has our permission to be in our room. Leave us, I must see what he wants.” The guards nodded, and Luna looked back to me, “So, how did thoust get in here? Our room is warded against teleportation.”

I grinned, “You see, this is what I wanted to talk about. I’ve actually been in the castle for the last thirty minutes, and, using only three Delta class spells, have broken into five high-security rooms. I managed to get into all four royal family member’s personal chambers, and not once did anyone suspect anything was amiss. I also got into the Royal Vault, though that was using an Alpha class spell, so it doesn’t count.” Luna’s jaw had already dropped, and I continued, “If you’re curious about what spells I used, they were ‘Light Shroud’, ‘Lockpick’, and ‘Ignore Me’. All of the spells were used with the lowest power rating, so any unicorn could’ve used them. What I’m trying to say, is that we need to talk about Canterlot’s overall security.”

Luna nodded, “Were there any spells that thou used against our guards?”

I grinned and shook my head, “Depending on whether or not you count the Ignore Me’s overall effect, no, I didn’t even have to use a spell against anybody.”

“May thou point out all of the flaws in our security, so that we may correct them?” Luna asked. I explained everything that I had found, as well as giving her the list that I had made. The list was pretty long, starting with how the guards had let a two-person ‘diplomatic envoy’ into the capital, when they weren’t carrying any identification flags or papers. Also, the lack of a request for papers was another one, and with magic, it was possible to create magical signatures. She got up and beckoned for me to follow, and I followed her back to the throne room, where Celestia and James were presumably still talking.

[P.O.V. James]

William and Luna walked in as I was finishing breaking, or more accurately, shattering, Blueblood’s arms. “Sup man,” William said. Luna was grinning at the sight of a hornless Blueblood with both arms shattered.

I smiled, “Sup. This asshole just lost his princehood to me, thought he could win his duel with a stab to the back.” I chuckled “Should’ve seen his face when I came back.” I looked to Celestia “So, what do I get?”

“You will be taking up all of Blueblood’s princely responsibilities, which consist of attending Crown-sponsored formal events, and you will be taking over diplomatic relations with other countries.” Celestia responded. “You also may have a township of your choosing, as Blueblood elected not to take one upon finding that Canterlot was unavailable.” She gestured to a group of ponies that were waiting just outside the door to take Blueblood to the infirmary. As soon as they left, she sealed the door behind them, magicking away the mess left behind.

I grinned, “I want Ponyville, may I have that township?”

She thought a moment, “Why? I thought you hated Twilight after reading that list…”

I nodded, “Oh, I do, so I am removing her tax exempt status, and making her have to pay me rent. Also, she will have the new embassy for foreign relations RIGHT next to her home. After we build it with the help of your thestral guards, that is, they are nocturnal, yes?”

Luna grinned, “Yes, our thestrals are nocturnal.”

William cut into the conversation, “Having been to the library personally, I know for a fact that Twilight does not do her official job as librarian of Ponyville. I move for Twilight to be fired, and have her royal stipend halved, as she has not been working towards the completion of her goal, as dictated by you, Celestia.”

I nodded, “I agree, William is right on all counts, she has been a negligent and horrible friend.”

Luna asked, “But what about her ‘Friendship Reports’ that she sends you regularly, sister?”

“From what we have been told, and from what we have seen, she understands what friendship is, if her reports are anything to go by, but that’s all they are, reports. They have no effect on her real world understanding of friendship, having refused to let Fluttershy, the Element of Kindness, who is mortally afraid of dragons, stay behind in Ponyville, citing that her ability with animals would translate well to sentient creatures rather well known for their violent tendencies.” William responded, taking a deep breath at the end of his tirade.

I then spoke up about Smog, “And poor Smog was actually a decent guy, he just got booted from his home by a real asshole of a dragon.” I huffed, “If Grumble was the one out there, instead of Smog, then they’d be extra crispy.”

“So, Twilight hasn’t been taking her lessons on friendship to heart? That’s a shame, it would seem I may have been mistaken about her destiny as an alicorn.” Celestia said sadly.

“Actually, depending on how she took our talk yesterday, she may change for the better. Though, honestly, I probably still won’t like her much.” William said. “Also, what’s this about alicorn destinies?” William asked, and Celestia clammed up.

Just then, a letter appeared in front of Celestia, It was apparently from Twilight. She cleared her throat and read it aloud.

Dear Princess Celestia,

James and William have pointed out many flaws of mine, upon finding my friends and I upon the top of the mountain that the dragon had been residing in. They pointed out to me that I cared more about the results of my mission than the mental states of my friends. I had requested that they detail exactly how they solved the problem with the dragon, rather than comfort one of my friends who was having an emotional breakdown over the thought that her life was more important than those of others. The friend I speak of was Pinkie, and James comforted her as William pointed out to me that I disregarded Fluttershy’s fear of dragons in order to remove the dragon, which, in hindsight, was an obvious fear. I likened dragons to animals, not thinking about how that could be interpreted, especially given that Spike is essentially an indentured servant, and sleeps in a basket like a pet.

I realize that my actions may require you to revoke my privileges as a student of the Crown, and I ask that you leave me enough in my royal stipend for me to take care of myself and Spike as I search for a new livelihood.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

I looked to Celly and grinned, “Well I’ll be damned, she actually feels bad enough to own up to it. There’s hope, at least.” I frowned, “Okay, I might let her keep her tax exemption UNTIL she gets a job alongside her royal stipends. That girl needs to get a work ethic, bad.”

Celestia nodded, and quickly penned a letter back to Twilight, telling her that she would still be Celestia’s personal student, and that her owning up to her faults and moving to improve them was admirable, and a sign of maturity beyond her years. She added that, due to complaints about her lack of availability, and the lack of her use of a standardized organizational theme, she would have to step down as Ponyville’s librarian. She sent the scroll, and we began discussing changes to the security of the city and castle. Shining Armor sat in on these discussions, occasionally inputting some advice.

“So, I’ll be handling the retraining of the unicorns?” William asked, and everyone in the room nodded. “Nice, I’ll go deal with that, I can think of some pretty useful basic spells that they can all use, and some stuff for the more specialized of them. Also, I’m just gonna put it out there, we should probably allow other races into the city guards, if they aren’t allowed already.”

Shining Armor grunted, “They aren’t, but I’ll be glad to back that change as the captain of the royal guard.”

I smiled, “And I have been thinking, I’ve been hearing about a ton of mine collapses in the Canterlot iron mines, why not hire some Diamond Dogs as a rescue team? They are naturally skilled excavators, and as they love jewels and metal the same way a dragon does, they more than likely know how to help with mining even if they aren’t in an emergency.”

Luna nodded, “That would also serve a double purpose of improving our relations with them, since currently our relations with them are rather strained.”

“Oh, right, Celestia, that reminds me, how the hell did relations get this bad with other races, anyway?” William asked.

“Basically, after Luna was corrupted,” Luna winced slightly, “I was either too busy or too tired to uphold diplomatic interactions. So, I delegated the task, though it seems that I was mistaken in who I gave the responsibility to.” Celestia said.

I noticed Luna wince and frowned, “Hey, Luna, you know that you don’t have to beat yourself up over that, right?”

She sighed, “We know, but it was a mistake on our part that allowed the Nightmare to gain purchase in our mind. If we had been more careful, maybe it would not have happened.”

I put my hands on Luna’s shoulders, looked her in the eyes, and promptly shook the crazy out of her.

“What was that for?” Luna asked indignantly.

“Now your crazy is gone, so stop feeling bad about what happened, you were left high and dry and a parasite attacked you, so what? You’ve got me, who would love to be your friend, Celestia, your loving sister, and little Willie, who I’m pretty sure has the hots for ya. Focus on the now, the now is good. If ever it's not, just think of the bright parts, let them brighten you up like the stars in your night, ok?”

“Also, if someone’s causing you problems, tell me, and I’ll turn ‘em to stone. No one heard it here though.” William snarked. “But seriously, I’ll help get people off your back if they’re giving you trouble.”

I then smiled at Celly, “You’re here for her too, yeah sunbuns?”

She pouted slightly at me calling her that, but nodded, “I will never leave my sister to suffer like that again.”

I nodded and then smiled to her, “So, you have all of us to help you, and that number will ONLY grow. So cheer up, and show us that happy smile, eh?” Luna smiled, with tears in her eyes, and pulled us all into a hug, except for Shining Armor, who had started looking lost as soon as we started talking about Luna.

When the hug broke, William left to presumably start training the unicorns, and Shining left alongside him, probably to supervise. Luna also left, after yawning and saying, “Good day to you two,” And like that, it was just Celestia and I left in the throne room.

I smiled to Celestia, “So, you wanna have that date you promised me? Or are you busy? I won’t be too pushy. I get that dating an alien must be strange to think of.”

“I’ll have to clear up a spot on today’s schedule, and then we can go. I think it would help quell some of the racism of my ponies to see their Princess dating a member of another race.” Celestia responded, nodding.

“I am tempted to joke that you only love me for my body, but I know that that’s a load of crap.” I smiled, both at the thought of dating Celly, and that William seemed to be opening up to someone other than me.