Respawn?

by DJ and Krahtorra

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Sex, Suicide / Self Harm, Profanity, Adventure, Discord, Violence, Princess Celestia, Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Anthro, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Spike
Length: 42501

Two clones are sent to a different world with regenerative immortality after an experiment goes awry.

Two clones are sent to a different world with regenerative immortality after an experiment goes awry. They must learn to adapt to their new immortality, along with the immortal alicorn rulers of the country they landed in having an apparent attraction to them. Also, they're immune to dark magic corruption, which leads to some distinct... misunderstandings.

PRAISE THE SUN

A collab story written by Mordred and LordKrahtorra

Published 2018-08-03 18:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-27 23:22:41 UTC

Chapter 1

It was testing day. I hated testing day. I always wound up being the last guy picked, sure, but that was actually a blessing! What I hated, was Dr. White, the man in charge of making clones and weapons. I looked to Willy number sixty-nine, and frowned. “Best prepare for the worst, I hear this new weapon is from the quantum line, who knows what the hell is going to happen.”

“Eh, we’re probably going to die or some shit, then they’re going to bring in the next line of clones after improving this piece of shit after finding out what goes wrong with us. No time like the present.” William said with a resigned look on his face.

I deadpanned, “Dude, this is the Quantum line. Last time we tested one of these, we made a guy turn into a candy bar. It screamed.”

William shook his head dejectedly, as he ran a hand through his messy brown hair. “Hopefully this one doesn’t have any adverse effects, but seeing how shitty my luck is, it probably will. This morning I poured myself some cereal and a snake was in the box. This is a SECURE facility, how the fuck did a boa constrictor get in MY box of Cheerios?”

I shrugged, “Maybe it was a prank from one of the Betty clone. They are some crazy ass bitches. One of them actually collects the remains of other clones. She bronzes them dude. DON’T FUCK WITH A BETTY!”

“Hey, the last time I interacted with one was when I shot her with the experimental rail-gun. Not my fault they didn’t know how to dodge.” He said with a wry grin.

Dr. White then pointed to us, “Shut up and head in for testing, beaker freaks!”

“Eh, fuck you too, Dr. White. Everyone here knows you fuck the clones from the Candy series. Seriously, why the FUCK do we test SEX TOYS in a military facility?” William snarked back at the doctor, who was sitting in a protected glass box above the testing area. His expression quickly turned to one of bliss as a Candy stood up, wiping her face off. She winked at him seductively before sauntering through the door.

Dr. White looked down at us, “At least no one will hear of this from you two clowns, you’ll probably be dead at the end of this. Begin the test!”

A strange looking blue metal gauntlet then was dropped at Williams feet. He picked it up and slipped it over his right hand. The gauntlet didn’t seem to be made with a specific hand in mind, simply to fit over a hand, be it left or right. He flexed his grip a few times before walking towards me.

I cursed mentally before I decided to go out with a bang. I took out a wireless intercom mic that I snuck into my pocket earlier and smiled as Dr. White broke out into a cold sweat, “Wh-what are you doing with that, Johnny five twelve?!” He shouted, moving to the door with the intent to get it from me before I could do anything with it.

I smiled with an evil grin on my face, putting the mic up to my mouth, “Good afternoon, everyone in base Alpha Niner November, as we all know, the esteemed Doctor White heads up all testing in this facility. However, what you don’t know is that this fuck has so little of a sex life he has to use clones that he made to get any action. Here’s looking at you Candys, so that you may continue to give this man relief.” I then pulled out a recorder, saying, “If you don’t believe me, here’s a recording I ‘acquired’ the other night, and here it is, for your listening ‘pleasure’.” and promptly played it into the intercom mic. I finished by dropping the mic on the floor theatrically, laughing my head off as the sounds of Dr. White getting some filled the compound..

William grinned, saying, “Well, there’s our final send-off, might as well get this done before White gets in here to make our last few minutes Hell.” William reached across his left, bringing the arm around rapidly and pimp smacking me across the face.

There were suddenly colors surrounding the two of us as the gauntlet disintegrated into a fine, blue dust. It split into two parts and flowed into each of us, each getting the same amount. The area around us was a flowing rainbow of colors, with vague sounds and a dull rushing noise surrounding us. Suddenly, with a *pop* my vision cleared and we were a few hundred feet off the ground, falling rapidly towards the horn of a statue of a hybrid unicorn/pegasus. Damn, it had a huge ass.

“Oh, FUCK ME RIGHT IN THE ASSHOLE, WE JUST SURVIVED THIS SHIT!!!” I screamed as we fell. When I turned to see William, he just looked like he wasn’t giving a shit as always, falling with his arms crossed.

“Buddha, Jesus,Superman. Batman, SAVE MEEEEEEEEE!!!” I screamed right as I was skewered by the horn… JESUS fucking CHRIST that hurt! The pain was just compounded when William fell onto the horn, seconds after I had. The lucky bastard seems to have died on impact, and here I was screaming my head off as I was forced further onto the horn. Right as my vision was darkening, I saw William pop next to me and his body with a confused look on his face as he began falling to the ground forty feet below. My vision blacked out and my eyes snapped open.

I looked down to see another body of William, with him standing next to it, and noticed his first body and my first body. I then noticed that I was falling rather rapidly towards William, and he was clearing the area I would land in. I landed on his corpse with a *CRACK* of breaking bones and groaned.

“What the fuck man, we died, but we didn’t die… ARE WE IMMORTAL?!”

“Fuck man, I don’t know, I just died twice, and I’m looking at my corpses right now, so you tell me.” William said in his normal deadpan tone. I took note that we were surrounded by humanoid looking creatures that seemed to mostly have horns on their head. A few of the ones in the golden armor had wings, and some had none. I noticed all of them had hooves instead of traditional feet. They had shackles from the eighteenth century with them, and were pointing spears at us threateningly.

I looked to the probable guards and smiled, “Why hello there, my good sir, may I ask what you want with us? We are terribly lost. Might I say you look quite handsome today, I bet you get all the women with that uniform and-”

The guard smacked me in the face, “I am a mare you imbecile! Learn to tell between genders you balding minotaur reject!” She continued frowning at us, though mainly me, as William hadn’t spoken to her yet.

I frowned as I recovered from the slap, no longer wanting to be polite, “Weeelllll Sheeyot! Not my fault you look like you’re packing a deputy dangle in that armor.”

She blushed beet red and levitated the shackles, yes, levitated them! She shackled both of us together with a length of chain connecting our arms to each other. The winged guard, who I was pretty sure was male if this one was a chick, grabbed the chain and promptly took off towards the castle in the distance. I looked to the sun rising behind us and grinned, remembering my off time playing Dark Souls. “PRAISE THE SUUUUUUN!” I screamed enthusiastically, causing the winged guard to jump and nearly drop us. We were rapidly approaching the castle now, it seems we were only a few blocks away despite it looking like a mile.

I then spun myself around to the guard and grinned, “So… what is with the armor making you all look gender neutral? Are they uniform, or that unicorn didn’t want to wear a bra, or…?”

The guard shook the chains and huffed, “I will drop you if you insist on insulting my marefriend like that again.”

William spoke up for the first time in a while, “Please do, you’ll do us both a favor. We get out of these chains, and you get to pretend we’re dead.” The guard looked a bit disgusted, then grinned when he noticed something.

I shrugged as I saw us get right over what looked like the royal gardens and grinned “Hey, bird brain! Your marefriend looks like a dude wearing a codpiece, maybe she wants the mares more than you want her!”

William grinned slightly, the first time I’ve seen him do so since we got here, saying, “I don’t know James, maybe ‘she’ has a dick and he hasn’t gotten to taste the sweet salty forbidden fruit of boy love. He’s probably too much of a pussy, I mean, he won’t even drop us! I bet he’s the bottom in their relationship, and ‘she’ fucks him in the ass!” the guard snorted at this and promptly dropped us into the garden. We were falling straight towards a large tree, and I could see a large white body beneath it.

I look to William and smile before snapping his neck and shoving his body beneath me, using his newest dead body as a cushion. He respawned a foot above his body, looking at me in annoyance as we were falling, with me holding his old body beneath me. I landed with the crack of his bodies bones, and he landed with a painful sounding *slap* in the pond that I saw as we were falling. He swam out of the water looking at me in further annoyance as he wringed out his now soaking clothing.

I walked over to him, ignoring the two ladies who were looking on in confusion, grabbed his chin and the back of his head, and snapped his neck with a rapid twist. The two ladies gaped at the display and William just shook his head as he respawned, saying, “Really, you just had to use my body as a cushion, then kill me to dry me off? I mean, you just traumatized these two ladies, just think, what would have happened if they were… Nevermind, one of them is a kid, you just traumatized a child. Good job, James.”

I looked to the two of them to see that the white furred one was looking at me in shock, and the younger one was staring as well, in equal parts shock and anger. “We art thousands of years thine senior, whelp! We should crush thee underhoof like the insect you are!”

William grinned at the imagery, saying, “I mean, we are kind of like cockroaches, the bastards are nearly impossible to kill, and so are we.”

I nodded and grinned, “So, mind introducing us? Seems like we’ll be in your hair for a long while.”

The white one smiled, “Well, for one, it’s manes, and for two, we are the princesses of the sun and moon. I am Celestia, and this is Luna.” She then looked to us, “Tell me, what manner of creature are you?”

I grinned, “I’m James, this is Willy, and we are humans.”

William looked at me in annoyance when I introduced him as Willy, and then said, “My name is William, not Willy, and if you’re thousands of years old, why do you look like a fourteen year old, Luna?” He said, looking at the blue lady. “Also, what kind of creatures are you? I’ve only seen your kind here, and not where we’re from.”

Celestia chuckled as Luna fumed, “Her power has been greatly diminished, it will return in about a week’s time. As for your other question, our people are called ponies. We have four tribes proper, including Earth ponies, Pegasi, Unicorns, and us, the Alicorns.”

I nodded before looking to Celestia, “So, you single?”

Luna looked to me in rage, “How dare a commoner such as thou attempt to court our dearest sister!”

“I mean, if you’re jealous of your sister, I could start courting you next week when you’re back to looking like an adult. I must say, you should fill out rather well into an attractive women.” William said, causing Luna to blush profusely.

Celestia chuckled, “Maybe later we can try this, but for now, we have to make sure that you are safe for Equestria.” She then smiled as a letter materialized in front of her “And I know just the person to send you to…”

She then swept us up in some sort of a magic field and we teleported to what looked like a farm of some sort, with six mares drinking bottles of what looked like cider. There was also a small purple lizard-like creature with green spikes going down its back. It immediately noticed us, and we overheard it saying, “Hey girls, I think we have company.” The six looked over at us, and the white furred one with curly purple hair did a spit-take when she saw us.

“Hello girls, we were sent here by Celestia so that you could keep an eye on us, so I hope we’ll get along nicely.” William said, with a somewhat smug grin on his face.

The Pink one started jumping excitedly, “Oooh! Two new friends to plan parties for! Birthdays, Welcome parties, the whole kit and kaboodle! I am so happy I just gotta bounce! Oh, by the way, I’m Pinkie Pie, who are you?”

I stared at her mesmerized “I am so happy you just gotta bounce.” I then smacked myself out of it and smiled at the others, who were having a shared, if not very different reaction. “Er… I’m James, and this is William, we are humans… kinda.” I turned to William “Do we still count as human with the respawn, dude? It’s kinda not normal.”

“Meh, I’ll take it, we’re still the same genetically, so does it matter?” William responded, shrugging.

I nodded before looking to the other six people. What, I include the lizard-man as a person. I’m not a dick. “Ummm… Should we explain?”

The purple one nodded “Yeah, what is this ‘respawn’? Is it some sort of power?”

I shrugged “Beats me, just know that when we die, another us shows up fine and dandy and takes our dead bodies place as us.”

The blue one looked to me skeptically “Yeah, right, like I’d believe that load of-”

*SNAP!*

I snapped my neck as she was talking and fell down, right as I walked over to my body and grinned “Believe me now? I could show you again.”

The purple one tackled me and promptly began questioning me at mach ten. “How-did-you-do-that-that-was-incredible-you-gotta-tell-me-please-please-please!”

I promptly smiled and shrugged “How about I tell you what I know if the pink one goes out on a date with me?”

Pinkie blushed a deep crimson as she looked at me before she looked to the Purple one “I-I don’t mind, Twilight… M-mom and dad were saying it was about time for me to join a herd anyway. A-and he seems nice. And cute.”

I frowned “Woah woah woah, you think I’ll bang you on the first date? I am a gentleman, my dear lady. I treat women with respect! Wait… Herd? You mean I could get together with more than one gal and NOT be labeled a sleaze by the public at large?”

William was just leaning against an apple tree with an amused look on his face as he watched me interact with Pinkie and Twilight. The white unicorn walked casually over to him, saying, “I can’t help but notice that your clothes are reminiscent of prison wear, but the wrong color. Do you mind if I inquire as to why that is? Oh, and I’m Rarity by the way, and she’s Applejack, she’s Rainbow Dash, the shy one is Fluttershy, and the dragon is Spike. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

William shrugged, noticing that the rest of the girls and Spike were now looking at him. “We are clones, and we were used in a military facility to test weapons and other items, such as body armor, so they gave us the cheapest stuff they could easily get, which was this.”

The girls looked like they were about to break down crying at the thought of people being used in experiments, and Pinkie was sniffling at the thought.

I shrugged “Hey, what’s with all the frowns? We got out, sure it was… odd… that we got here from a quantum pimp slap, but hey!”

“What’s a pimp slap?” Pinkie asked innocently.

I turned to William. “It’s your turn now, take this as payback for pimp slapping us into an alternate dimension.” I drew my arm across the chest and pimp slapped him as hard as possible, causing him to spin with the slap, almost with a dancers grace. After about two rotations, he fell flat on his ass, he then glared at me and spat out a tooth.

“Alright, while that may have been fair turnaround, I do NOT appreciate you ruining my perfect teeth. Now I have to die again to fix them.” At this, he reached up and snapped his own neck. He spawned next to the body, looking down at it and shaking his head. “So, why have we been here for the past twenty minutes, instead of going inside somewhere?” He asked, looking to the girls for answers.

Pinkie Pie smiled, “Because the authors have been writing dialogue for three days! Trying to figure out who says what!”

Everyone but me looked at Pinkie questioningly, I simply looked her in the eyes. “Solaire says what?”

Pinkie and I spontaneously knelt down simultaneously, screaming at the top of our lungs, “PRAAAAAISSSE THEEE SUUUN NORMIEEEEEEEE, REEEEEEE!!!!!!!”

Everyone was now looking at them questioningly, and William turned to the rest of the girls, minus a dragon kid who was conspicuously missing. “This is why Dark Souls was banned in the facility. This fucker right here was constantly doing that shit in the middle of tests. Also, side note here, but where the hell did Spike go? I could’ve sworn he was here a second ago.”

I then looked to Rarity and frowned “Did you do something to the purple boy?” I winked at Pinkie who grinned as we spoke in unison. “He’s just a boy!”

“And that, my friends, is why memes were banned shortly after Dark Souls was. I mean, this guy did this shit all the time, it gets annoying fast. He even managed to get feminism banned, constantly ‘reeing’ and shit.” William said, with a somewhat smug look on his face.

I shrugged, “Hey, there’s no facility here, soooo…..” I leapt into the air and shouted, “I am king of the world, Leonardo Di Caprio!” As I was in midair, William swept my feet out from under me, causing me to faceplant into Pinkies bosom.

[Inside James’ mindscape]

‘Error… Does not compute… Brain, give me status!’

‘She cannae take much more sir! Dick is taking all the blood flow and heart is beating like we actually exercise!’

‘Dick, loosen up man! We can’t get hard right now!”

‘Dick.exe has crashed, marshmallow heaven protocol too intense’

‘So, what’s going on in here?’ I heard Pinkie’s voice in my mind. At hearing the last thought before my brain shut down out of surprise, she grabbed the back of my head and pulled me deeper into her glorious bosom.

I screamed in my head as a miniature me opened the hatch in my mindscape, ‘Abandon ship!’

Only then, my testosterone grabbed him, “BE A MAN! GO OUT THERE AND SHOW HER YOUR WAR FACE! AND PREFERABLY YOUR DICK TOO! I AM IN CHARGE OF THAT URGE!”

Pinkie Pie popped up next to Testosterone. “Well, aren’t you a big, strong stallion. You think you can handle a mare like me? Well, let’s see it!”

Testosterone then, after screaming like a little girl at her jumpscare, said, “I‘M JUST A BUNCH OF CHEMICALS GIVEN SENTIENCE IN A MADMAN’S MINDSCAPE, YOU WANNA GET LAID, GO FUCK JAMES!”

Mini Me then blushed as well as real me as Dick booted up again before shouting in the mindscape, “Yo! Wassap! We finally banging, or should I go into the tissue again?!”

Pinkie then grabbed mini me and -Oh my god they are doing it in my brain!

[Back in reality!]

I gasped as I came to and I saw Pinkie wink at me flirtatiously, several thoughts, and mini-me orgasms, running through my mind as I turned to William. “Holy shit she’s in my head.”

William looked on with a ‘what the fuck’ look on his face, before suddenly screaming, “Holy fuck, get outta my head! Trust me, you DON’T want to be in there!” The rest of the girls were now wearing the ‘what the fuck’ look that he had just dropped.

I pointed to Pinkie, “The sexy one, she knows the jedi mind tricks! Run for the hills, lest she violate our mental selves!” I turned and bolted, grabbing William’s hand before running for the nearby forest.

After about nearly a minute of us running, we slowed down, only to start running again immediately, as we were now being chased by a lion/scorpion hybrid with bat wings. After another ten minutes of running, it gave up, right as we reached a rope bridge that crossed a chasm, leading to a run-down castle.

I quickly jump kicked the door open after sprinting across the bridge, with a cry of, “Leroy Jenkins!” Promptly landing with a wooden board gouging my eye socket and going straight into my brain. I then respawned right next to my corpse and smiled as I walked in, William calmly following me shortly thereafter. I looked around before I looked to William.

“So… Dungeon crawl?” William asked, looking around the entrance hall that we found ourselves in.

I nodded, as I spoke in a false British accent, “Indubitably good sir. Whatever we find, we bring to the main room to look over.”

I went west as he went east, smiling as I found myself in the armory, seeing various swords and such until I found a sword and dagger from my dreams. It looked like the handle for the exalted blade from that one game I played… What was it? Warframe? Yeah, Warframe. I grabbed it and it flared to life, “Oh hell yes.” I then pocketed it and looked around until I saw what had to be the most badass armor ever! It was seemingly made entirely from different Dragon parts! The leather jerkin that went under the armor seemed to be made from the webbing of a dragon wing, and it was a solid, natural black in color.

The actual armor was made from alternating reflective silver and onyx black scales, forming a solid, if somewhat spiky, surface. The shoulder pauldrons were skulls of lesser drakes, and the helmet was reminiscent of Sauron’s from Lord of the Rings. The horns that made up the crown of the helmet were made from the teeth of dragons, and were slightly crooked, not all facing the center perfectly. The hands and feet were thematically styled after a dragon’s claws, with the cape being made of the rest of the wing leather, lined with an unknown fur. It was seperated down the center of the cape, with bones lining the outside edges to give it the appearance of dragon wings.

I tried to take the impressive armor, but was blocked by a thick glass, I looked around until I found an amazing, if somewhat grisly weapon. It was a dark grey jawbone, which was around four feet long, from the bottom of the handle to the tip of the ‘blade’ if you could call it that, as it was a jawbone, with long teeth coated in a dark navy blue metal. The back of the jaw was held in dragon hide, and I saw the carved part of the jaw that was fashioned into a handle was also wrapped in Dragon leather.

I Grinned and grabbed the weapon as I smashed open the glass before grabbing the gear and a few pieces of armor made from the same blue metal that I figured William could use, namely shinguards and a half mask shaped after a lion's muzzle.

I walked along to the area beyond the armory, and frowned as I saw what looked like a cave in of the castle, I smiled as I took out my exalted blade and slashed a few times before walking through the newly made hole.

I came into a room with two statues, one of what looked like a dragon-wolf hybrid, and one of an odd creature that seemed to resemble a Yeti, but had four legs and bone like spikes running along its limbs and body.

I walked into the room and jumped a little when the statues sprung to life! I quickly drew my weapon, only for the yeti creature to start rubbing its head against me like a cat. Huh… Welp, It’s time to see William, maybe he found something to explain this shit.

[P.O.V. William]

As James headed to the west of the entrance hall, I went into the east wing. After walking for a couple of minutes down the hallway, I came to a pile of rubble that blocked the hallway further. Luckily there was a door the left side of the hall, which I promptly entered. Upon looking around, I noticed an amazing looking set of robes that seemed to be in pretty great condition. I slipped it on, and noticed that, as I was putting on the various pieces of the outfit, it was fitting itself to my, admittedly lanky, body.

“Well that’s interesting.” I muttered to myself as I finished putting on the breastplate, the whole ensemble now fitting me perfectly, as if it had been tailor made for me. I looked around further, now that the robe were on, and I was no longer distracted, and noticed a shelf full of books that were chained to the wall. I easily broke the chain, as it was rusted nearly all the way through, and popped open the book that was on the far left of the shelf. I felt a distinct pain behind my eyes as knowledge filled my mind, and then the book dissolved in my hands.

I now knew the full extent of the necromantic arts, along with how to use multiple corpses to make a super corpse minion. I popped open the next book, and was assaulted with the same pain again, this time learning how to corrupt a being and bind it to me. It was possible to bind it without corruption, but the corruption was helpful in keeping binded creatures docile. I opened the third book on the shelf, and my mind was flooded with how to make dark magic constructs, from weaponry to elemental manipulation. I also noticed a short staff sitting behind the remaining three books, which had a pulsing dark purple crystal as a focus with a blade coming out of the top, going beyond the top of the crystal and forming a sharp edge.

I grabbed the staff, tucked the remaining three books under my right arm, and left the room, looking towards the rubble that had blocked my way. I tapped my new staff against the ground, causing sickly purple crystals to sprout from the ground and open up a path that I could walk through. I went past, and entered the remaining bit of the hallway, which only had a single door that looked like it would lead to a vault of some sort.

I went up to it, and on attempting to open it, was knocked back a few feet. I growled in annoyance at the door, before an idea came to me. I could use my magic to destroy the door from the inside. I promptly did so, after making a couple of crystals to protect me from debris. I entered the vault, surprised to find it largely empty, save for two pendants in the back of the room, which seemed to be hearts of some kind. I grabbed both, and immediately felt a rush in both my magical power, which I felt as a kind of current constantly running through my body, and my physical ability. I walked back to the entrance hall, where we had agreed to meet back up, and sat there waiting for James to get back from his exploration.

[P.O.V. James]

As I walked back with my haul from the armory, and the two creatures following me. “Hey, Willy, you want a dragon-wolf?” I smiled to my Yeti cat, “‘Cause I’m keeping this little rascal.”

William looked up from the pendant he was examining and tossed it over to me. He looked over the wolf, and nodded, with a wide grin on his face as it rubbed his hand with its head. He scratched it behind the ears for a few seconds, then he motioned to a couple of books at his side. “Read these, it’ll give you magic powers. I got necromancy, corruption/binding, and dark elemental manipulation from the three I read, so I recommend you read these.”

I nodded and looked to the first book as I opened it, the knowledge of Blood magic filling my mind, I quickly opened the second to learn necromancy as well, then at the last one I learned Enchanting/ Mystic smithing. I then quickly explained what I learned to William as I put on the pendant.

I smiled “I’m naming my buddy here Jack Frost, you?”

“I’m thinking Lupis, or something along those lines. So, these pendants are interesting, seeing as the one I gave you enhances physical attributes, while the one I kept enhances magical ability. From what I can tell, it’s about a 2.5 times multiplication for both of them.” I nodded, noting the rush that I was feeling from wearing the heart pendant.

I grinned to him, “So, we BFFs now?”

William shrugged, “Fuck it, why not. Not like there are any more Candy’s in this place.”

I grinned, and was about to continue, when the girls rushed in frantically, Twilight looking to us as she screamed, “What in Celestia’s name are you doing?! Those are the forbidden artifacts of the Dark Dragon Lords! They corrupt everypony who wears them!”

“Whelp, they’re ours now, and I ain’t noticing any corruption. Perhaps it’s because, I don’t know, we’re NOT PONIES!” William shouted back with a grin on his face.

Pinkie pouted, “I wanted to see James’s Deputy Dangle...maybe kiss it a bit.”

I hid behind William, not wanting her anywhere near me “NOPE! Begone THOT!” At my shout, the castle trembled a little, before I saw Celestia and Luna, who looked pissed at us.

I looked to William and sighed, “Take me sunbuns, take me and spare little Willie. He’s but a boy.”

“MOTHER FUCKER, I’M A YEAR OLDER THAN YOU!” William shouted, looking over at Luna, who seemed livid. “Well, I think now’s a good time to dip out, see ya!” A hole opened up directly beneath him, and he fell straight down, with Luna’s attention now on Lupis, he seemed to notice and immediately followed William down the hole. It closed up as soon as Lupis was past the mouth, and suddenly their attention was fixated on me.

I sighed “Whelp, at least I get to-SEEYA BYE!” I to the nearest window and jumped out with Jack following close behind, me running like mad as I reached the way down some stairs and found a giant crystal tree. I looked behind me to see Celly and Luna chasing after me before I leapt into the cave off to the side.

“Oh, hey man. This tree is weird as fuck.” I jumped slightly at William’s voice behind me. Celestia and Luna were looking around for me, Celly talking very… sensually about bananas and heard William speak. They looked towards us predatorily, and William continued, “So, what is this place?”

They froze as they saw the tree behind us and paled. “Ummm… How about that date for your silence?” Celly asked.

“Sure, but that doesn’t answer the question.” William frowned at her.

I shrugged “Well, why don’t we do this, you let us keep this shit, and our pets, plus you go on a date with us, and we will forget about this tree for until you feel ready to talk?”

Luna fumed “How darest thou blackmail us! We are thy princesses!”

I frowned “Well, actually, we didn’t become your citizens, so, your crown means nothing to us.”

“He has a point, you know. Technically, we don’t exist here, at least currently. Also, I am very attached to my dragon wolf. I mean, just look at him, he’s amazing!” At this, William was scratching behind Lupis’s ears affectionately.

Celestia frowned, as if weighing her options, she then smiled, “Okay, but you have to do that thing you did with Pinkie every morning.”

“So, you talking head in the tits, praise the sun, or literal mind fucking?” William asked, curious as to how much she knew.

She smiled lewdly, “Yes.”

“Well, RIP you buddy. It was nice knowing you, you know, even though you’re immortal.” William said sarcastically to me, before turning to the Princesses. “Also, if I might ask what exactly it is that we picked up in the castle?

She frowned “The armor made from the dragon lord that King Sombra allied himself with, and when the dragon died, Sombra had him made into the finest of weapons and armor. He then inlayed them with the most potent magical enchantments we had ever seen and laced them with Dark magic, the very fact that you two are not killing everything in sight is amazing.”

Luna smiled, “Oh, and don’t touch the gem on your staff, it’s a dragon’s… excrement..”

“So, this dragon shat out a Dark magic crystal? What, can it not digest magic or some shit?” William asked, looking at the crystal in a new light.

Luna nodded, “All of the magic the dragon ate coalesced into that crystal, exactly that shape, and was then made into a staff made from mythril and its marrow. When it was being forged, the metal was quenched in the blood of the dragon, which gives the entire staff Dark magic properties. We would like to examine you for corruption at some time in the near future, to make sure that thou art truly safe.”

Celestia then pointed to my club-hatchet “Both halves of the dragons jaw were fused into that club, with its teeth added in later, as well as a crystal of pure blood he found in its heart inlaid in the pommel.”

I raised a hand, “One, that’s awesome, two, am I doing all this with you, or Pinkie?”

She grinned and answered by burying my face deep in her tits, at which point I blacked out, waking up in a fancy room later, buck ass naked and with Celly panting next to me… Dayum.

Chapter 2

[P.O.V. William]

After James was knocked out by the sheer magnitude of Celestia’s buxom bosom, I turned to Luna, asking, “So, what about these robes I’m wearing? If I were to hazard a guess, I’d say that they were some kind of battle mage robes, considering that the room they were in had six spellbooks and this staff.” I tapped the staff against the floor for emphasis, chuckling slightly as I looked at James.

“Those robes belonged to Grogar, a necromancer of old who was rather well known for his prowess in the necromantic arts. That specific set was the one that he wore into battle, with defensive enchantments woven into the armor and cloth. Please don’t tell us you read the books in the room. They are renown for taking over minds and making the individual act on the author’s whims.” Luna said, with concern in her voice over the books.

“Heh, well, you see, we did kinda read those books, so now we both know necromancy, along with various other dark arts.” I chuckled. With a flash of light we found ourselves in what seemed to be a hospital, if the beds, curtains, and medical equipment were anything to go by. Taking a look outside one of the nearby windows, I noticed that we were back in the city that we had first arrived in, probably in the palace going off of the direction we were facing, with me recognizing the large statue that we had been impaled on when we arrived. I noticed Celestia levitating James into some sort of machine which seemed to be an MRI or something similar, and just watched.

Soon enough James was out of the machine, and placed on a nearby bed, with his armor sitting next to him. “William, if you would kindly take off your robes and lay down on this bed?” Celestia asked, looking at me. I shrugged, thinking to myself, ‘Fuck it, why not. Not like I can die anyhow.’ I stripped down to my underwear, and proceeded to lay down on the bed. It slid into the machine, and unlike any MRI I know of, didn’t cause any amount of discomfort. The energy current that I felt running through my body felt slightly disrupted, though it wasn’t uncomfortable.

After about a minute of laying there, waiting for the machine to finish its thing, it finished with a soft *beep*, with the bed I was lying on sliding back out. I got up, stretching slightly, before walking over to my dropped clothing, and putting them back on. While I was doing this, Celestia, Luna, and the doctor that had been operating the machine, who I had somehow failed to notice up until this point, were discussing something very heatedly, occasionally pointing at either me or James before gesturing wildly.

I sidled over to the group, just in time to hear the doctor whisper shout, “The two of them are as magically powerful as Princess Cadance, if not more so!” I tapped him on the shoulder, at which he jumped nearly a foot off the ground. He looked at me and screamed, fainting on the spot. Celestia shook her head, chuckling slightly at the sight, before levitating him into the bed next to James’.

“So, what is this I hear about being as powerful as a Princess, along with there being another Princess?” I asked, now curious as to who this other Princess was.

Luna looked at Celestia, who nodded, and sighed. “Your pure magical power at the moment is at about the level of our niece, Cadance, who’s magic is at about a tenth of ours. With training, you could possibly get your magic levels to a fifth of ours, but if you were wearing the demon heart pendant, you would likely be just below us, if not equal. However, all of your magic is of the dark variety, making you incapable of using pure magic.” She paused, and seemed to think about something, before continuing, “This doesn’t mean that you can’t do the typical spells, it just means that you won’t be able to use solar and lunar based magic, or harmonious magic. Also, your bodies and minds seem to be immune to dark magic corruption and influence, which is quite rare in our world.”

I shrugged, “So, if we’re immune to dark magic, and it is considered a taboo here, what should we do for a living? I’m sure we could just mooch off of you two indefinitely, but that doesn’t sit right with me. So, you got any jobs that you would need two very powerful, very immortal beings to do for you?”

Celestia pulled Luna further down the hall, and seemed to be discussing something with her for about five minutes before coming back, with a grin on her face. “We have the perfect job for you two, though it will involve getting a tattoo. We would like you to become Agents for the crown, with commission based pay. For each mission you complete, you will be paid the appropriate amount, and it will give you the same or higher access to classified intel as a Captain of the royal guard would have.”

When Celestia paused, Luna cut in, “You will also have the ability to form a squad that will accompany you for these missions, though the pool for other squad members will have to be from other Agents. You will be based out of Ponyville, and will receive an enchantment that allows us to locate you and send and receive letters. You will also have access to our information network, to use as you see fit for your various missions.”

I nodded, thinking over the deal. “I accept, though you’ll have to wait until James wakes up to ask him. Is there anything special we need to do, or was that it? Other than the tattoo, of course.”

Celestia nodded at Luna, who said, “The only thing left before getting the tattoo is for you to choose the sister you would rather serve directly under.”

I grinned, bowing deeply at Luna, “Why, my lady, if the choice was ever in question, I have been remiss in making my intentions clear!” She blushed slightly, and nodded. We left to go get my tattoo, leaving Celestia with James. We got to the tattoo parlor, where I got a tattoo of Luna’s cutie mark with a special ink that responded to a magical frequency emitted by an enchanted crystal. I stripped down and snapped my neck, to check if the tat would remain on respawn, which it did. Sadly, I’m around ninety percent sure I traumatized the poor mare who gave me the tattoo.

We went back to the infirmary, which was conspicuously empty, before heading to Luna’s room to talk for the rest of the night. Ever since I read the necromancy book, I haven’t been tired, so we talked for most of the remaining night. We mainly talked about what I would be doing as an Agent, and I was given a crash course in this world’s geography, along with the locations of various cities and towns in Equestria.

About an hour before dawn, I used my newfound authority to take a look at the archives, mainly looking for useful spell books, since it seemed that I was to be the caster of our group. I took a book on advanced teleportation, a book on reversible petrification, and umbramancy to start with, and sat down to read them. After about two hours of reading, and another hour of practice, I had a good grasp of teleportation, and moved on to petrification, which was much simpler, and could be used on inanimate objects.

After an hour of figuring out how to use it efficiently, I moved on to umbramancy. Unlike the other two, this seemed to be an entire branch of magic, and it took me four hours to get through the entire book. After another three hours, I had figured out most of the spells in the book, save for shadow walking. I had trouble bringing all of my stuff with me when I was shadow walking, normally leaving behind anything made of metal. The shadow cloak seemed like it would be very useful, especially at night, since it muffled all sounds underneath it to one tenth their previous level, and made anything under it much harder to see, even in daylight.

[P.O.V. James]

I looked to Celestia, who cracked up laughing as she looked to me, “Oh, you should of seen your face!”

I frowned, “My jimmies hath been rustled, RUSTLED I SAY!” I then rose from the bed and promptly ripped the blankets off of the bed. “Now fear my vengeance! It is tickle flavored!” Celestia looked to me in confusion before I pounced at her, tickling her without mercy before I was mule kicked into a wall by accident. I promptly respawned by the armor I was to wear, smiling as I put it on.

Celestia seemed to sulk as I had stopped tickling her, “D'aww, is sunbuns sad she doesn’t get more special me time?”

Celly blushed and looked away, “I have no idea what you are talking about, now come on, we have to go and get you a tattoo.”

I raised a brow, “Really? You’re into me getting a tramp stamp?”

She blushed even further, “N-no! You have to get marked as one of my agents so that ponies know to trust you!”

I grinned, “Okay, sweet tits. Let’s go!” We walked down from her room, which was at the top of a GODDAMNED TOWER, heading for the tattoo parlor.

We entered, only to see a mare huddled down in the corner blubbering something, “Stallion that died but didn’t die, he killed himself, but he LIVED!” Celestia heard this, and knelt down next to her, casting a spell that made her fall asleep.

Celestia sighs, “Never thought that those lessons in my teenage years would pay off…”

Oh fuck no, “You know tattoos have changed since then, yeah? Lot different.”

She blushed before casting another spell on the mare, “I’m borrowing her expertise, where do you want my mark?”

I grinned, deciding to get revenge. “On my ass cheeks.”

She sighed. “It has to be somewhere easily visible, with MINIMAL removal of clothes. Your options are the neck or the arms. As much fun as it would be to have you branded as mine, that isn’t the purpose of this.”

I grinned, “Fun, eh? I didn’t know you were a dom, sexy sunbuns~! Maybe we should have some REAL fun later?”

Celestia sighed, putting her face into her hands. She levitated me onto the tattoo table, and I could’ve sworn I heard her mutter, “Later,” but that could have been my imagination. I motioned for her to put it on my right shoulder, and she cast a spell to dull the pain, if the numbness around the area was anything to go off of. Twenty minutes later, and a brand spanking new sun tattoo on my shoulder, we left to go find William and Luna.

I smiled as I nudged Celestia, “So, that Twilight really looks up to ya. Maybe a bit of a teacher crush?”

Celestia looked like she was about to vomit at the thought. “She’s like a daughter to me, I would NEVER think of her in that way!”

I waved my arms placatingly, “Hey, I’m just saying, either she sees you like a mom, and had some crappy real parents, maybe you should offer adoption?”

She just shook her head, “The reason Twilight sees me as a mother figure is because I was basically her mother ever since she was around six years old. I had to take her from her parents because they were incapable of handling her magical outbursts at the time, so I took her on as one of my personal students.” She sighed sadly, then continued, “She regularly visited her family, but her living here at the castle took its toll on her family life, and she started thinking of me as more of a mother than her own was.”

I sighed, “Look, I know parenting isn’t exactly supposed to be my forte, but… be there for her if you can, I know what it’s like to feel… unloved. More than most normal people do. If it’s the paperwork of princessly duties, or some sort of court thing, maybe I can find someone to fill in for you? I want to help.” I then grinned, “I could maybe make you a magical disguise? I am fairly certain I can enchant you a necklace or something.”

She looked hopeful at that, before noticing that we were passing the archives, where William was visible sitting and reading, with a few books stacked on the table next to him. She turned to me, grinning, “Want to scare William?” She asked, casting a spell. She tapped the floor twice with her metal shod hoof, but no sound was heard.

I nodded and let her silence my footsteps as well before walking into the archive, grinning as I came up behind him and said “OH SHIT BETTY’S HERE! RUN FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR BALLS!”

William looked visibly alarmed for a second, and then with a *pop* he was gone. I looked around in confusion, trying to find him.

I rubbed my chin and smiled, “Oh, hey there Luna, What? You wanted to have a wet t-shirt contest with Celestia? Oh, and you wanted William to judge? Well, I don’t know where he went, guess I’ll have to." l just stood there for a moment before shrugging “Guess he left. When did that bastard learn teleportation?”

I then looked to Celestia and frowned “So…. I don’t know where William went, and it looks like there aren’t any interesting books here for me, so…” I smirked “Wanna go prank Luna? I know how to make some strong itching powder, plus stink bombs.”

William poked his head out of Celestia’s shadow, unnoticed by either of us. “So, what’s this I hear about pranking Luna?”

I ran to William and tried to kick him in the face like I was doing a football kick. “Begone foul imposter!” I shouted, but he fell back into the shadow, thus making me pull a Charlie Brown, and landed on my ass.

William popped up fully out of the shadow of the desk he had been sitting at, stretching his arms and back. I noticed a tattoo of Luna’s cutie mark on his right arm, and his back suddenly popped. He sighed in relief, then said aloud, “Well, that was the first time I was able to shadow walk, seems useful for short distances, but god is it cold.” He shivered slightly at the thought, then used telekinesis to pick up the books and reshelved them. His magical aura was a sickly purple, similar to the head of his staff in color, and seemed to be giving off slight flame-like tendrils.

I shrugged, “Well, I have been interested in trying out smithing, that book I read taught me how to do many different kinds of weapon and armor crafting that use the forge. Even something called sagecraft.”

“Nice, could be useful having weapons besides this staff,” William grinned, tapping his staff against the floor once for emphasis. “We should probably be getting back to Ponyville, at least if we don’t have anything to as Agents,” he continued, looking inquisitively at the Princesses. Celestia and Luna looked at each other before nodding once.

“Your first mission as Agents will be given to you later next week, so we’ll send you a notification through your tattoos. They’ll make the area around the tattoo cold or hot, depending on which of us you serve.” Celestia said. Her horn lit up to teleport us, but I started talking before she finished.

“At least it doesn’t vibrate, would be annoying as hell. See ya later, sun buns!” At this William teleported us out, before she could do anything. We appeared in the orchards at Sweet Apple Acres, and we saw Applejack kicking a tree.

“Howdy, how are y’all two doing? Ya had us a mite bit worried, leaving with the Princess chasing you and all.” Applejack shouted over to us, noticing our appearance. I started walking towards her, with William following behind.

I laughed, ”Hey, I just realized, my favorite cereal has the same name as you. Bet you must taste delicious~!”

AJ frowned and looked to William “What the hay is he talking about now? Is he serious?” AJ asked, turning to William for clarification. I frowned in annoyance at my flirting being brushed off so easily, but William spoke up before I could.

“Honestly, I have no idea, though I believe he was referencing the cereal called ‘Applejacks’ where we’re from. Most of the time I try to ignore him, so, yeah,” AJ nodded, seeing the sense in William’s thought process, and I frowned deeper.

I then shrugged, “Guess I’ll go see where Jack went. Probably with Fluttershy, yeah? Mind showing us what way to go?”

Applejack nodded once, and said, “Go out the front gate, and follow the road until you reach the fork in it about halfway between here and Ponyville. Follow the opposite fork, and you’ll get to Fluttershy’s pretty soon. Ya can’t miss it, only house on that road, and it’s surrounded by all sorts of critters.”

One boring ass walk later!

I groaned as we reached Fluttershy’s cottage, and found that animals were indeed surrounding the house. We walked up to the door, and I knocked on the door. I heard Fluttershy’s soft voice call out from inside the house. She walked to the door, brushing some of what appeared to be felt off of her long green skirt.

“Oh, James, William, come in, I was just showing one of my deer friends the animals you found at the castle. He seemed rather concerned about them, but I’m sure it was nothing.” We followed her in, where Jack and Lupis were backed against a wall, growling at a buck that was backed against the opposite wall, with a bright light glowing between his antlers. He was tan in color, wearing a leafy green cloak with assorted plantlife. On his right hip was a silver shortsword, and with my newfound skill in magical smithing, I was able to recognize it as a blessed blade.

Upon noticing us step into the room, the buck leapt towards us, stabbing William in the neck. Blood spurted out of the wound, covering the floor and the rug in front of us, and Lupis tackled the deer in protection of her master. She held him down with her fangs around his neck, fire gently licking out from around the back of her mouth. After about two seconds of bleeding, William finally collapsed to the floor, dead, before another body popped into existence next to the dead one. I noticed that all of his gear that he had been wearing was duplicated, and held the same magical properties that his old set had.

“Dude, what the FUCK was that for?” William shouted into the buck’s face. There was a look of disbelief on the buck’s face, and he sputtered.

Clearing his throat, cautious of the fangs that were pressing gently against his neck, “Wha- HOW?! WHY?! I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!” he shouted with fear etched clearly all over his face.

I looked to the deer in boredom before I casually walked over to him, grabbing his sword and crushing it in my grip. Due to the enhanced strength I had from the fiend heart pendant, along with the dragon armor, I did so effortlessly. I smiled casually, “Now, your magic sword is broken, and I am VERY mad that you hurt my friend. So, tell me, what the fuck made you decide attacking us was in ANY way a good idea?”

“You are beings of dark magic, and the druids of the Everfree are sworn to fight against the corruption that your kind spreads!” The deer was getting a bit frantic, so William gestured for Lupis to bite down a bit harder on his neck. Upon feeling the extra pressure, he flinched slightly, then turned to Fluttershy. “What are you doing, RUN!” he screamed at her. This seemed to snap her out of the ‘deer in headlights’ thing that she had going on, and she seemed to have no idea what was going on.

Upon seeing William’s body lying on the floor, along with the slightly burnt skin around the wound in his neck, she turned a vicious look upon the buck on the floor. “Aedan, these are my GUESTS! You should feel ashamed of yourself for attacking them for no good reason!” At this he looked bashful, and Lupis let him up at William’s command. He stood up, looked between William, his body on the floor, and Fluttershy, and fled out the door, bounding rapidly down the road. After a few seconds, he was out of sight in the forest proper.

I looked to Fluttershy as she huffed angrily, “I’m so sorry about my boyfriend, he’s usually so nice… I guess I didn’t know him well enough…”

I frowned thoughtfully, “Well, he didn’t know that we are immune to dark magic corruption, and it looked like he could see something coming off of us. Maybe he saw the Dark magic covering us and overreacted? I will go and try to reason with him, if he makes you happy, I don’t want to ruin your relationship.”

William shrugged, “If anyone could see dark magic, it would be someone who lived in the forest renowned for being a haven of dark magic. Also, you have blood magic, right James?” I nodded, and he continued, “Then you should probably get my blood out of her carpet, walls and floor, maybe crystallize it or some shit. This shit stains, you know.”

I nodded and absorbed all the blood that was spilled, as well as accidentally dried Williams corpse out like a mummy, before I instinctively clenched my fist and it became a mist that flew into my heart stone at the base of my weapon. I could feel myself grow stronger at this.

William tapped his staff against his now mummified corpse, and a fog of sickly purple rose from the skin, clothing and staff, all floating and coalescing into the crystal on his current staff. As soon as all the magic drained out of the corpse, it dissolved into dust. Fluttershy, in a traumatized daze, got a dustpan out from under her sink and scooped up the dust as William and I headed out to follow the deer.

Chapter 3

As we walked through the forest, looking for the deer that had taken off running, I looked around and frowned before calling out for the umpteenth time, happy that left the pets with fluttershy, else we’d be stopping for them to mark shit. “Hey! Aedan! We wanted to talk things out with ya! No hard feelings for the misunderstanding… Come on, man, we gotta talk this out if you want Flutters to calm down!”

What appeared to be an army of deer appeared out of the forest around us, and a buxom doe with a figure that put Rarity and Fluttershy to shame stepped to the front of the group, wearing a full set of what looked like leather armor with metal plating. “You speak to Mother Birch, Mother to all the deerfolk, and tender to the Everfree! For what reason do you seek our son, foul demons?”

I frowned, “I am not a demon, I am a human. And no, Dark magic has ZERO influence on me or my friend here. We came to talk out things with your apparent son, and hopefully patch things up with him and his ladyfriend. As well as offer to make him a decent sword that’s not absolute crap. Who makes a sword out of silver, anyway?! Shit is weak as hell!”

William nodded once, “Seriously though, your son stabbed me in the neck for no goddamn reason, so I’d like to have a word with him about getting the full story before stabbing people. That shit hurts. Also, it’s a bit pointless, at least with us.”

I nodded and snapped Williams neck for example as the guards all tensed, the Deer mothers eyes widening as she saw William appear next to me, and absorb his magic after the blood flew into my weapons pommel. “We can’t stay dead. Or be corrupted by dark magic.”

She looked to me for a moment, then to William, before frowning. “If you are deceiving me, thy lives shall be a misery. If you truly mean us well, then take on this task for us, cure Father Ash. He was corrupted by Nightmare Moon in an attempt to bring the forest to her side in her coup d'etat. If you cure him of his corruption, or somehow manage to slay him, then you shall have the Deer people’s gratitude, and we shall ally ourselves and our Druidic arts to your cause.”

I frowned, “Wait, who is Father Ash, is he your husband or something? Why the hell would we kill your husband? That’s fucked up.”

She frowned, “That monster is no longer my husband, killing him shall release the both of us into our next bodies, free from corruption, and able to lead.”

I looked to William and smiled, “Seems like we are committing regicide.”

“I think everyone here would prefer we cure the corruption, though that seems to be a viable solution.” William responded glibly.

I nodded and looked to the sexy deer lady in question “So, lead the way.”

She nods and raises her hands before we are overwhelmed by the feeling of vertigo. When it stopped, we were in what appeared to be an underground room, with the only two exits being a staircase leading up, and a stone door that was covered in thick roots, with only one small gap visible. I looked through the gap, and saw a large buck with his arms immobilized by the roots of the tree. The roots seemed to enter into his flesh, and a light pulsed every time his heart beat, similar in color to William’s magical aura.

His legs also had the roots growing through them, and throughout his body, plants that seemed twisted and unnatural grew out of his flesh. The leaves of these plants pulsed a dark purple, and there were quite a few of them growing on him. There was a hole in his chest, and in it, all of the roots coalesced around a glowing purple crystal, which seemed to be his heart. The roots pulsed in time with its flashes, and it seemed to be picking up pace as I observed it.

As I opened the door and walked in, I heard a dark, twisted voice that reverberated in my head. “Greetings, brothers in darkness… Have you come to free me so that I may bring about the awakening of my people? The light is fleeting, darkness is the true power!”

William grimaced slightly at Father Ash’s speech, turning to Mother Birch and I. “See, this is why Dark magic has a bad rap. Fuckers like these give us all a bad name.”

Mother Birch blushes indignantly, “It is not my beloved’s fault! The darkness was pumped into him directly! No one in record has gone unscathed from such an experience!”

William grinned. “Is that a challenge I hear? You know what, I’m going to take all this guy’s Dark magic, and then you can put me down as the first to have absorbed a metric fuck ton of Dark magic and escaped unscathed.” At this, he poked the end of his staff through the opening, and a glowing purple mist began leaking from the crystal in his chest. As the mist was sinking into the staff, dark green swirls began appearing on the crystal in the buck’s chest, and by the time he finished drawing it out, it was a solid forest green. It pulsed once, and a burst of white light flowed through the roots, and they became considerably more natural looking.

As we watched, the roots that had been suspending Father Ash retracted, first from his legs, then from his heart and arms. The hole in his chest rapidly closed, with no more dark energy preventing the forest from healing him, and finally, the roots that held the door closed for a millennia withdrew. The stone door sank into a recess in the floor, leaving what had used to be a cell open.

Mother Birch leaped to her husband, crying in relief “My love, it is so wonderful to see you cured!”

Father Ash groaned before opening his eyes and looking to her in confusion “My love? But… I was stabbed by that demonic monster… How did I-” he then grunted in pain as he clutched his head “By the glades! Wh-what have I done?! The things I did to our beloved forests… to our people…”

I cleared my throat, “If it helps, you were kinda nose deep in a pool of dark magic crazy sauce, sooo… kinda not in your normal state of mind. You were a bit loopy for a millennia.”

William cleared his throat. “I managed to absorb all of the Dark magic corrupting you, but you’re going to have to be careful with strong emotions from now on. Since you’ve already been influenced by it, it could return if your emotions are strong enough.”

Aedan entered, huffing as he caught his breath from running down a flight of stairs. “What *cough* happened? I felt a massive influx of pure magic from father’s cell, which could only happen if.... FATHER!” Aedan jumped into the cell, hugging him tightly.

Father Ash looked to Aedan with curiosity, but then winced as if he was remembering something painful. “My son… I have been so cruel to you… I am so ashamed…” he looked to us and smiled, “I shall invite you two to a banquet in thy honor. Name anything you wish of us, and it shall be done!”

I grinned, “Well, we would like your wife to pay up on her word, but no worries there for now, but at the moment… How about you give us a tour? I’d love to see what your civilization is like.”

Mother Birch smiled, “It shall be so!” As we again felt the vertigo, we found ourselves in what looked like a town square, with a massive tree behind us that seemed to be patrolled heavily by guards. Yet again, we felt the vertigo, but this time we appeared on a balcony near the top of the tree she had first teleported us outside of. Looking out on the city, we saw that it was made entirely out of trees, many of which were far larger than normal. They formed a solid canopy, and we could see deer moving around along bridges between the trees. There were also many deer walking on the ground, and there were luminescent mushrooms growing atop small trees. There was a crowd rapidly growing larger beneath the balcony, and Mother Birch seemed to be preparing for an announcement.

“Subjects! Today is a joyous day! Our king, Father Ash, has returned from the throes of madness wrought by the demon that possessed Luna! These two dark heroes, champions who can not only resist the temptations of the dark powers, but command them as well! They have saved your king, and they are to be known as heroes, our isolation has come to an end, as these heroes have proven, there is hope for the other people of Equus!”

The crowd below cheered at this announcement, chanting, “Champions! Champions! Champions!” Mother Birch led us back inside, and we looked around the room. All of the furniture seemed to be growing out of the tree, and anything that would normally have a cushion was coated in soft moss. Father Ash laid down on a bed of moss, tired as he was from recovering from his blight.

“Now, it is time for you to ask for your rewards for your assistance in healing our Father Ash of his corruption. So, what is it that you desire?” She asked, pointing at me.

I thought a moment, tempted to say that I’d love a good lay, but I had a feeling that would not go over well, so…”I’d like a portable workshop. Capable of sagecrafting, and various different cultures smithing techniques.”

She then pointed at William. He shrugged, “If I’m keeping with my current theme, I’ll take spellbooks. Not just any though, the ones that teach how to make a place like this. I’ll understand if you can’t let the spellbooks leave this place, so I’d be fine reading them here.”

“Your requests shall be granted, though William, you may have another request, as you were the one to heal my husband of his blight.”

William shrugged again. “I’ll hold that favor in reserve then, as I honestly can’t think of anything that I need at the moment that you would have.” he said. Mother Birch nodded, and she led us out of the room.

On the way to wherever she was taking us, she pulled a servant aside and instructed him to retrieve something called a wildergilden. Upon reaching our destination, she flung open the doors theatrically. The doors opened into a library with many books lining shelves that were arranged like the rings of the tree it was built into. She pointed out the section William wanted, and he happily went over to start reading.

I smiled to Aeden, who was just coming back from his talk with Father Ash, and gestured him to follow me, “Show me what you have for a workshop here, I happen to know a TON about weapons, I might not be able to MAKE a holy weapon, dark alignment and all, but I can still make a damn good vessel for the magic. Hell, I can even put in the rune work, just can’t do the final enchanting if it’s holy.” I then rubbed the back of my head “Hey, you mind if I make something to replace that sword I busted? Something actually impressive though, not that glorified stick you were waving about. ” I scoffed, “Seriously though, silver? A stick might actually have been better, made out of the right type of wood at least.”

Aedan nodded, “I guess that’s fair, since you broke it with one hand.” He led me farther down the tree, and we ended up in the forges at the base of the trees. I looked around as I saw a massive quantity of a pale creamy green, glowing metal. “The hell?! You guys had something this potent, and you are stuck using SILVER?! What happened to respect for royalty?!”

Aedan flinched slightly, “W-we haven’t had a smith in here for millennia… I had to train with Griffons, to learn how to fight, and I bought this sword from a Diamond Dog.”

I facepalmed as I walked over to the metal, “Ok, well you have one now, a master at that, now you or your people will hafta supply the holy magic, but I can add one other element on top of the life element natural to this sword, with enough room for the holy, you interested?”

“Either fire or lightning, whichever one would be easier for you to make into the blade,” Aedan requested.

I grinned, “You are getting lightning, easier for you to control and wield, never understood why people want fire swords, too much collateral damage.” I then went to work, letting the inspiration fill me as I decided to let metals will shape it as I worked, forming it into a potent chain blade, each section of blade enhanced with both lightning magic and life magic. “I dub thee, Ceangail, may ye serve your master well!”

Aedan bowed his head as I placed the weapon in his outstretched hands, raising his head up as the weight settled. “I shall treat you well, Ceangail, so that you may not fail me in my time of need.” He gave it a few test swings, then disengage the lock that kept it in its blade form. He gave the sword whip portion a few swings, getting a feel for the balance of the blade, and walked over to one of the walls, antlers glowing softly. As I watched, the wall morphed into a different type of wood, a dark green shoot spreading out. He held the sword perpendicular to the wall, and it grew out along the blade, forming a sheath. As soon as the blade was fully covered, he pulled it back from the wall, carefully oiling both the wood of the sheath and the blade of the sword.

After he finished this, he placed the sheath on his leather belt. I turned to him in awe, “How in the name of god did you do that, kiddo?”

“I reached into the tree, and requested that it shape me a sheath for my blade. It’s simple, as long as you have a decent grasp of the druidic arts.” he said, placing a hand on the wall, and the stump from the separation of the sheath from the wall receded. “Also, we should probably head up to dinner, Mother will be waiting for us.” I nodded and followed him out of the room, and he took us to a dining hall, filled with deer. We ate, and Mother Birch informed us that we were welcome for as long as we felt that we needed to stay, and were welcome to come back whenever after we left.

After nearly three days of doing nothing and waiting on William to finish his studies on druidic magecraft, Aedan approached me. “Would you like to spar with me? I need to figure out how to use Ceangail properly, and if I mess up to badly you can’t die.” he said, looking at me relaxing in my armor on a moss bed. I hopped to my feet and followed him out into a coliseum, pulling out my dragon jawbone club. We fought for about ten minutes, and he got progressively better with Ceangail.

I headed back to my room, and Aedan went off to do some other stuff, and when I got back to my room I was surprised to find William relaxing on one of the chairs, seemingly waiting for me.

“Okay, what’s with the ninja shit? I thought we agreed yesterday you’d knock that off, and I’d ease up on the memes.” I then smiled “Or did you miss my victory rees?”

“I may or may not have forgotten where my room was, cause, you know, awake for three days reading. On the bright side, I didn’t walk in on anything, so small victories.” William pointed at a wall, and a sprout grew out of it. Unlike the rest of the wall, the sprout was dark and twisted, unnatural looking even. There was what looked like a small face screaming in pain on the base of the sprout. William’s eyes narrowed, and the face turned into a psychotic grin. He shrugged, “I mean, I was going for a smile, but that’s close enough.”

“...Well fuck. That’s going to cause some misunderstandings back in Ponyville.” I then sat next to him and smiled “So, should we head back with Aedan to ponyville? The letters I had sent have been making it, but Fluttershy seems worried in her replies, and she misses Aedan.”

“Yeah, we probably should, I wanna get started on a tree house. Maybe figure out how to mitigate some of the faces from showing up. When is Aedan leaving now?” William replied.

I shrugged, “Sometime today, I think. Guy really misses Shy. I think I see some love blooming, maybe some pony deer hybrids in the future?”

Aedan’s head peeked around the door, a bright red blush on his face. William nodded at him, “Sup man, when we leaving for Ponyville?”

Aedan shook his head to clear it, saying, “I’m heading back tonight, so if you’re coming back with me, you’ll need to get your stuff together in the next hour or so.”

I nodded, having most of my stuff with me already before I walked over to my nightstand, picking up an orichalcum statuette carved to look like a sapling of some unknown tree. “Got the wildergilden, you sure I can plant this to grow a workshop?”

Aedan nodded,”Yes, that statuette was made as a gift to Celestia before the unfortunate event with her sister. This statuette will grow into a master smiths workshop, outfitted to fit the skills of whomever planted it. However, the materials will have to be provided by the smith.” He smiled “Knowing you, it’ll be pretty twisted looking.”

I shrugged “Probably going to get some pretty dark weapons then, too. Blood magic imbued, made with dark magic, all that shit.”

At this, Aedan shuddered, “Still glad you let me choose my elements, would hate to use blood magic…”

William spoke up, “I’m gonna head back to the library, maybe take a look at some more spells. Come find me when you’re ready to go.” He sank into the shadow, and was gone.

I then looked to Aedan and smiled, “So, about Fluttershy, you want me to see if she is into bucks?”

“Really? We’re dating, and you think she’s not into me? That’s just stupid.” Aedan scoffed in reply.

“I meant if she was asexual or some shit. She does seem the type to just be romantic.”

“We haven’t taken the relationship to that level yet, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to. She’s probably just shy or something.” Aedan rebuked, a flash of annoyance on his face.

I nodded, rubbing the back of my head, “Okay, just trying to be a good friend for ya, Never really been friends with someone so… animated, before. Also, I was wondering, if Celly and Luna say yes, I was thinking of making a sort of squad for William and my missions, would you be interested?It would work very well as a diplomatic tie between the Deer and Ponies.”

He thought on it for a moment, before responding, “You two are Agents of the Equestrian Crown, right?” I nodded, and he continued, “Mother would have to approve it as well, so when we return to Ponyville, you will have to ask them. Mother also wanted me to inform you that the Deer are open for diplomatic ties with Equestria, and we will soon be ready to trade with the Ponies.”

I smiled and nodded, “Okay, mind walking with me to see your mom? I figure it would work out better with you present.”

He nodded, and I followed him out of the room and down the hallway. He led me down a few flights of stairs, before we reached a large hallway, which seemed to be the main hall of the tree castle that we were currently in. At the end of the hallway, two guards were standing in front of a large, ornate door, which I assumed led to the throne room. Upon opening the doors, I was surprised to see that, unlike the rest of the castle, the throne room looked like it was part of a natural forest glade, complete with a small stream. Upon the back wall, two trees were grown into the shape of thrones, and sitting upon them were Father Ash and Mother Birch.

Mother Birch looked to us and gestured for us to approach, after doing so I knelt to her, “Mother Birch, we are here for a request on my part, I was hoping to make a task force designed to take down threats to Equestria from the shadows, and I was hoping your son could join this task force.”

Mother Birch frowned, “Why do you wish for my son? We have many more experienced warriors. I do not see the wisdom in this decision, please elaborate.”

I nodded, “Aedan has not only proven his regret at harming William, but grown to earn my trust, and my respect. I would like to continue teaching him the ways of battle, as well as have him fight by my side, I assure you no harm will come to him, and any who try will have me to deal with. He… he is my first friend in this world, and I would like to have him as a brother in arms.”

“Also, Mother, I would like to do this as well. James raised a point that I believe would be beneficial, and that is that this could serve to strengthen our ties with Equestria. You and I both know that our diplomatic ties will need to be strong to weather our return to global politics.” Aedan piped up, putting in his two cents.

Father Ash smiled, “Tis a glorious thing you are proposing, one that I myself would be glad to endorse, but it is both of us that must agree on, lest we risk angering our beloved.”

Mother Birch pouted “I’m not that short tempered, dear, I see the merit as well, I just wanted to know their reasoning, and I have found it quite satisfactory.” She smiled to me “Very well, you may take on my child as a member of thy taskforce, if Celestia does agree to it.”

I smiled and nodded “I thank you, Mother Birch, Father Ash. I shall send a message to Celestia with all due haste.”

Mother Birch made an arcane gesture, and a brazier grew in front of me before igniting with green fire. “Just speak into the flame, good sir James, it will send it as a note to Celestia.”

I nodded and cleared my throat, “Hey sunbuns, it’s James, I have been in contact with the Deer people, and they have not only opened their borders, but they have agreed to open diplomatic and trade ties to Equestria. I have decided that, with your permission, making a task force to work covertly in the shadows would be opportune. Please come see me in Ponyville tomorrow, so that we may iron things out.”

Mother Birch looked somewhat scandalized at me calling Celestia ‘sunbuns’ and Aedan and I left to go get William from the library, and Aedan turned to me, “So, have you been on any missions yet?” he asked curiously.

“Not a one!” I replied merrily, opening the door to the library as I found a William corpse on the ground. “Only been an agent for about four days now… wait, why’d William die?”

I heard William’s voice from above me, and saw him floating around the room, “I may or may not have fucked up a flight spell, causing me to snap my neck on the ceiling. The body over there,” he pointed to a body that was slumped over a desk, “was caused by my brain overloading when I used a sensory processing spell for too long. Shit’s cash, but you can only use it safely for a couple of hours, then you have to wait for twenty four hours for it to be safe to use again.”

I chuckled at my friends antics as I absorbed the blood from the corpses again, letting him take their magical energy. “Hey, time to go, Ponyville here we come.” We left the city, and William raised his staff in the air, and we teleported with William to Fluttershy’s place. Jack and Lupis bounded out the door, and we started walking to Ponyville. After a few minutes of walking, we were in Ponyville proper, and I looked around, noticing that there it seemed extremely colorful.

After making our way through the overly colorful town, I noticed something that made me believe that I was currently tripping balls. There was a BAKERY shaped like a goddamned GINGERBREAD HOUSE. SERIOUSLY, why the FUCK is a bakery what it makes? Anyway, when we reached the town square, we noticed Fluttershy walking along, minding her own business with some ducks. She bumped into an eagle headed person, which I assumed to be a griffon, and the griffon started yelling at her.

I promptly tackled the ho and began smacking the shit out of her. Aedan went over and began comforting Fluttershy, who at this point was bawling her eyes out, and escorted her out of town, I assume to her home. At this point, Rainbow Dash flew in to see me slapping the shit out of this ho. She tackled me off of the griffon, and we tumbled a few feet away. When Rainbow reached back with her fist, I assume to knock my teeth in, a sickly purple flaming aura wrapped around her arm and wings, pulling her off of me into the air. The same aura surrounded the griffon, who looked like she was about to make a break for it.

I then stood up and promptly shouted at the polychromatic bitch, “What the FUCK Rainbow?! I was stopping that bird bitch from traumatizing Shy!”

“GILDA WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT!” she yelled, struggling to get out of William’s magical grip, “LET ME GO!” she screamed.

“Bitch please, we watched it happen, here, have a look!” William tapped his staff against the floor, and all of the shadows in the area rose up and took on forms looking like all of the ponies present in the last five minutes, and they went along doing their thing. The only difference was that their colors were muted, and Gilda was clearly seen stealing an apple from a cart and eating it. She used her tail to trick an ancient green mare with silver hair into thinking that there was a snake, and then Gilda bumped into Fluttershy. Gilda began yelling at Fluttershy, and she began crying, which is when we arrived. At this point, the shadows sank back into the ground, dissipating.

Rainbow Dash looked horrified, as if she was defending a monster, “G-Gilda… you did that to Fluttershy? We were all friends at flight camp though…”

Gilda huffed, “Yeah right! You mean you had her replace me as your friend! How many years has it been since you even tried to see me, Dash?! Huh?! Well I know, it’s been FIVE YEARS!” She was crying at this point, at which I started feeling kinda bad for smacking her. Ah well, bitches gonna bitch.

I raised the back of my hand again, “Rainbow, mind if I smack some sense into this featherbrain?”

Rainbow didn’t respond, which I took as my que to backhand the griffon as I then grabbed her, “You could have gone and visited her, but you didn’t. The fault is just as much yours. Now get outta here, and don’t come back, unless you wanna become a spitroast.”

At Gilda blushing I then blushed as well, before throwing her surprisingly far into the horizon, “I meant like the meat, not the sex thing!”

Gilda flew off as we looked into the price of some land, grateful for the gold and jewels that the Deer supplied us with as thanks. We found a lot on the outskirts of Ponville, further down the road to the Everfree that led by Fluttershy’s cottage. We purchased it for a diamond the size of my head, and I headed with William over to the lot. He tapped his staff against the ground, and I heard a distant rumbling. The ground in the center of the lot exploded outward, and I looked up at a towering black tree, with a creepy looking face. The entrance seemed to be below the mouth of the face, and I saw William concentrate on the face. “WHO ARE YOU?” the tree rumbled out, and I saw William grin. A cloud nearby rapidly darkened, and started spewing lightning and rain.

He blasted the cloud, and it dissipated. We went inside and checked it out, finding a large living room, with an entrance to a basement on the opposite side. Upstairs was a hallway with a few rooms, two of which were clearly master bedroom suites. There were three other doors, two leading to offices, and the last being an extra bathroom. The third floor had guest rooms all around the place, along with a pull-down ladder to the fourth floor.

“Hey, give me one of those large rubies.” William said to me as we entered the large empty room of floor four. I pulled one out of the bag of holding, and tossed it to him. He caught it, and a twisted stand rose out of the dark wood of the floor. He placed it on top, and tendrils sprang from the wood and wrapped around the large ruby. A red flame ignited in the depths of the ruby, and William placed his hand on the surface of the gem. A projection above the stand, and Canterlot was visible. He zoomed it in on the castle, then on the throne room, where the ponies inside around Celestia started panicking. In one of the walls, a clear reflection of what was causing the ponies to panic was visible. It was a large, fiery purple eye with a slitted pupil, floating in the air. Celestia was laughing her ass off, seemingly having recognized William’s magic.

William shut off the feed, and turned to me, “Palantir?”

I nodded once. “Palantir,” I confirmed.

Chapter 4

After spending like thirty minutes messing around with the Palantir, we headed over to Twilight’s library, mainly so that William could check out the books she had on hand. Funnily enough, her library was built into a tree, and seemed to have been a gift to the Ponies from the Deer. We walked inside, and William headed over to the shelves, looking over some of the titles. He pulled out one book called ‘Fifty Shades of Hay’, looked at the back cover, and slammed it back onto the shelf, causing a very loud *crack* to be heard. Twilight, who had been focusing on a spell with her back to us, turned around very quickly, and hit me in the face with the spell. I felt an odd feeling on my upper lip, and looked in a nearby mirror that had been conveniently set up. I was now sporting a large fu manchu mustache with a complimentary beard.

“...I will now remove this amazing stache, so that I still look young.” William looked over his shoulder and started chuckling at the beard and stache I had before going back to his book. I then gripped my stache and ripped it from my face with a grunt of pain. “The beard next…” I then ripped it free of my face as well, then tossed the hair in her face “That’s what you get for making me look chinese! I’m American, damnit!”

“Do me, do me!” Spike shouted, hopping up and down.

“Spike you are too young! You are but a boy! The wonders of the feminine body are not yours to plunder yet!”

William looked over his shoulder again, this time at Spike. “You’re a dragon, right?” Spike nodded, “Which is a species of reptile, yes?” he nodded again, “So, how the hell are you going to grow hair?” Spike’s eyes snapped open wide in confusion.

Twilight then looked to me angrily, “And you, don’t you dare make Spike a pervert!”

“Well, he isn’t the one who has erotic fiction out of the adult section, wherever that may be, so…” William said, grinning and pointing at ‘Fifty Shades of Hay’. Twilight blushed profusely and teleported the book somewhere.

I grinned, “So, Twilight, you saving that to read later? Maybe you could act out those scenes with a stallion someday?... or a mare, if you get a strapon.”

Right then, two unicorn kids ran into the library. “Snips, Snails, what’s going on?” Spike asked them.

“Wha- haven’t you heard, there’s a new unicorn in town!” Snails said enthusiastically. I suspected they were denser than our sack of carrying, at least with them added together.

“Yeah, they say that she has more magical power than any other unicorn EVER!” Snips added. At this, Twilight paused, having just been about to leave the room.

“Really?” Twilight asked them inquisitively. William just set his book back onto the shelf he had gotten it from, and was listening with a growing smirk on his face.

“Ah, no way, that honor goes to Twilight here,” Spike bragged.

“Where is this unicorn?” Twilight asked, blushing slightly at Spike’s compliment.

“She’s in the town square, come on!” Snails shouted enthusiastically.

“Yeah, come on!” Snips repeated.

After leisurely making our way to the town square, we came to a stop near Twilight’s group of friends. There was a large crowd surrounding a cart sitting on the edge of the square. It looked rather nondescript, and then a voice rang out from inside, “Come one, come all, come and witness the amazing magic of the Great and Powerful, TRIXIE!” While this announcement was going on, a stage folded down out of the side of the cart facing the crowd, and a light blue woman in what looked like wizard’s robes popped out from behind the curtain through a smokescreen.

Something about her annoyed me, but I dismissed it as not liking how she rolled her R’s. The crowd ooh’ed and aah’ed at her theatrical entrance, though William and I were kinda bored by it. “Watch in awe as the Great and Powerful Trixie performs the most spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!” she shouted, and with this statement a series of fireworks exploded a small distance above the cart. Twilight’s friends all started getting all over her shit for boasting, which I couldn’t see why they were annoyed, since it was a showmare that they were talking about.

“Well well well, it seems we have some neighsayers in the audience. Who is so ignorant as to challenge the magical abilities of the Great and Powerful Trixie!” Trixie shouted towards Twilight and her friends. “Do they not know that they’re in the presence of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?!” she continued.

At this William burst out laughing, going so far as to roll on the ground, clutching at his sides. Trixie glared at him until he got up, still breathing hard. “S-sorry,” he managed to gasp out, “Continue, please.”

She made a bunch more fireworks appear, along with a whirling spiral portal. Rainbow Dash flew up into her face, calling her out again. At this, Trixie responded with, “Only the Great and Powerful Trixie has the magical power to vanquish the dreaded Ursa Major!” William burst out laughing again as a neon rendition of an Ursa Major appeared in the sky. She glared at him again. “What is YOUR PROBLEM?!” she screamed at him, as soon as he managed to collect himself.

“Sorry, sorry, it’s just that you’re in the presence of someone so much more powerful than you, and you honestly still think you’re the best?” he managed to get out, between fits of giggles.

She glared at him, before an evil smirk graced her features. “Trixie challenges you to a magic duel!” she then looked over William further, “Though it seems that I need not even worry about losing, you’re not even a unicorn.” she laughed at this, and William grinned.

“I accept your challenge,” he stated confidently. “Here, now, no using magic on anyone in the audience, or on the other participant.” Trixie nodded confidently, and William raised his staff. All around him, twisted trees and shrubbery broke the the hardened dirt of the square, turning the square into a forest glade. Some of the ponies reached out and touched the trees, and were surprised to find that they were real. Trixie tried the same thing, but her magic failed. Her trees dispersed, them only being illusions, and William shouted to the crowd, “Now, who do you think won this duel?” the crowd responded by chanting his name, and he made the trees recede.

Snips and Snails ran off somewhere, no clue where, and William and I headed back to the library to chill for a bit as we waited on Celestia to arrive. Twilight took down a book called ‘Beasts of the Everfree’ and began reading. William and I headed into the kitchen, and Spike gave us a checkerboard. We started playing, and William was consistently kicking my ass.

Two hours later, I looked to William and grinned as Twilight came in, a slight frown on her face. “So, Twilight, want a quesadilla? I made plenty.” I then turned to William, “King me, bitch!” He placed a second checker on top of the one I had finally managed to get to his side of the board. He then proceeded to wipe out the rest of my pieces with a single move, and Spike whistled.

Twilight screamed like a little girl as she ran out of the room. I looked to Spike, “Well damn, I owe you a head sized jewel.”

Spike nodded, “Yep, I told you she’d flip out.”

I frowned, “What even happened to make her that scared?”

“So, basically, it was my first birthday, and the anniversary of Twilight getting her cutie mark, and we headed to a Mexicoltan restaurant,” William and I chuckled at the name pun, and he continued, “Anyways, we were at the restaurant, and a waiter was dressed as a giant quesadilla who was serving the children. So, he starts telling Twilight to hold off on eating the quesadilla, as it was still very hot, and then trips and accidentally flings the burning hot quesadilla into her face. As she was screaming in pain from the burns she was getting, the rest of the restaurant was laughing at her.” William and I winced at the story, and William atomized the quesadillas on the stove.

Spike headed off to find Snips and Snails, who had been gone for the last two hours, and William quickly whipped up an iced coffee for Twilight as I headed upstairs to find her. I found her huddled underneath the covers of her bed in the loft, shivering slightly.

I cleared my throat and tapped her shoulder gently, “Twilight, you okay? We, uh… We didn’t know that you’d freak out like that...William made you some iced coffee, and I’m here if you need to talk…” I rubbed the back of my head uncomfortably as she could be heard sniffling, which most likely means she was crying. God damn it I feel like an ass.

“Y-you sure? I-it’s really silly, honestly…” Twilight sniffled.

I smiled and nodded right as a giant shaking rattled the house, “Jesus Fuck what was that?!”

We ran outside, and saw a giant bear, like seriously, the thing was like eighty feet tall or some shit. Trixie was running from the bear, and stopped in front of us, with Snips and Snails following close behind. Spike came up right behind them, sprinting as fast as he could away from the and waving his arms in the air like a mad man.

I pulled out an amethyst that comfortably fit into my palm and tossed it to William, who caught it. “Pokemon?” I asked.

“Pokemon,” he nodded. He zapped the Ursa in the back, and it turned to him, growling. He filled the gem until it was glowing with a purple light, and chucked it into the Ursa’s face. Ethereal skeletal arms reached out of the gem, grabbing the Ursa and compacting it into the stone. After the Ursa was entirely in the stone, he levitated it over to me. I looked it over and noticed that the constellation in the stone was that of the Ursa Minor. I swore under my breath and slipped it into my bag of holding, and we headed back into the library. All of the ponies that had been outside were just gawking at us, us having just defeated an Ursa Minor with no issues.

Twilight had snapped out of her funk and wasted no time informing the town that it was only a baby. Trixie fled, her cart being smashed in the town square a few streets over. I turned to William, asking, “So, how long until the Ursa Major shows up?”

He shrugged, “Probably only like an hour, so we should probably head back to our house. From what I read in the deer’s library, the Ursa Majors are about six times larger, so we should start prepping.” Twilight walked in, and William waved good-bye. She opened her mouth to say something, but William teleported us out right then.

We appeared outside our tree house, and headed up to the fourth floor, scrying the Ursa Major with the Palantir. As William predicted, it was headed straight for our house, and would arrive in like twenty minutes at its current pace. I tossed William the fist sized amethyst I had prepped for this, having been told by the deer that there were two Ursas in the Everfree that needed to be dealt with. William started using the same spell, only putting much more power into this one. When he finished, the crystal was glowing just as brightly, and he collapsed. “Kill me real quick, please.”

I shrugged and curb stomped him with a single, heavy step. I felt his spine break at the base of his neck. A second later, he popped back into existence, and stopped me from draining the blood from the body. He cast a spell on the body, and it raised up. He drained the magic from the staff, which crumbled into dust. When he saw my questioning look, he simply said, “Servants,” I grinned and nodded, and he levitated the charged stone into his hand. He teleported us out into our yard, on the side of the house facing the Everfree.

After waiting for another five minutes, we finally felt the tell-tale shaking of the ground, and saw the dark purple, nearly nine hundred foot tall bear. William looked between the stone and the bear and shrugged, chucking it at the bear. This time, the stone hit the center of the bear’s chest, it having just exited the forest. The same arms came out of the stone, this time there being nearly four times the original amount. The bear began struggling, but even then, it was slowly growing smaller. Upon noticing that it was struggling quite a lot, I ran up and jumped, leaping nearly forty feet and landing on its forehead. I smacked it a few times on the star decal in the center of its forehead, and hopped off, having succeeded in stunning it. The arms easily compressed it the rest of the way into the gem, the lack of struggles making it much faster.

William levitated the gem over into the bag of holding on my hip, and we headed inside. I smiled to William and began to sing, “I wanna be, the very best, like no one ever was~” As I was singing William cringed, and then I heard the music kick in. I was forced to sing through the entire song, and said, “Holy shit mun, that was awesome!” I then prepped to sing again, only for William to stab me in the chest.

“I’m going to head to the library in the morning and read up on this shit, so good night for now.” he said. He headed upstairs, and I followed him, heading to my room. We both went to sleep, or at least I did. I heard some noises downstairs, but I assumed that was the new undead servant moving around.

Chapter 5

The next morning, we headed downstairs, and I mentioned the noises that I had heard to William. He brushed it off, saying, “I set the undead servant to patrol the first floor, so it was likely that.” I nodded, and he went outside.

“Where you goin?” I asked, as he was heading towards the town.

“The library, gonna look into the whole bullshit song magic going on. Maybe make a spell or two that blocks me from hearing it after its cast, and makes it so I won’t be forced to participate.” I nodded, and he teleported off, presumably to the library.

I decided to go to Twilight’s as well, maybe see what she wanted to say, little lady was adorkable, and I felt bad for ditching her yesterday.

As I was walking to the library, I began wondering if there were any good Italian food places around here, as I was craving some ravioli. I was walking around, I bumped into none other than Twilight, and smiled at her, saying, “Hey there, Twi! What’s new in the world of my favorite lavender mare?”

Twilight smiled, blushing slightly, “Oh, nothing! Just headed out to get some stuff from the market.”

I nodded and looked around, wondering why I didn’t see any of her friends aside from Spike. “Hey, where are the others? I thought you all were inseparable.”

“Oh, I think that Rainbow is attempting a world record for bouncing a ball off of her head, or something along those lines. AJ is working at Sweet Apple Acres, Pinkie is watching Rainbow, Rarity is working on an order, and I assume Fluttershy is taking care of her animals.” Twilight listed off her friends.

I nodded as Jack rubbed against me by surprise, “Jeez, boy, you startled me. Twilight, meet my pet, whatever the fuck species he is, Jack. I think I’ll call his species the Yeti-cat.”

Twilight was staring at it in awe, “Th-that’s an arctic lion! They are the most potent warrior companions of the northern wastes! How did you ever tame one?!”

I shrugged, “Beats me, but he’s my buddy!” I scratched him behind the ears as he got a blissed out expression.

Twilight asked a few questions, such as where I got it and stuff like that, and then I mentioned William’s pet. Her eyes widened as I mentioned that he had a dragon wolf thing, and she managed to stutter out, “H-he has a Canis Draconius? I gotta see this, and maybe talk to him about it. I’ll be back later!” At this, she took off running, and then rapidly turned around, “Wait, where do you guys live?” I told her, and she took off again, in the exact opposite direction of where she originally was going.

I yelled after her, “He went to the library, something about music magic, and burning ‘Fifty Shades of Hay’” I assume she didn’t hear me, as she kept running in the same direction, and I shrugged.

I then walked to the local bakery before promptly noping the fuck out when I saw the pink menace. I continued exploring the town, eventually finding a restaurant that serves “Itailian” food. I assumed that the shitty pun was just that, and headed inside to get me some raviolis.

After being stared at for the entirety of my meal, and some fuschia pink furred, dark purple maned bitch started griping about me under her breath, when she called me a glorified monkey, I decided it was time to reap my vengeance. I promptly began to purposely choke on my food, before turning around and falling over onto her right as I died. I then focused my respawn out of the building, a little trick I learned recently, and made my corpse then vomit blood all over her. She started screaming, first in disgust at being vomited on, then in terror on realizing that the vomit was actually blood.

I chuckled slightly at the sight of the mare panicking, and walked in the front door of the restaurant. Upon seeing my corpse, I pulled from my hobby of acting and screamed, “CHAUNCEY! NOOOO! MY ONLY BROTHER!” I pointed at the still panicking mare. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM YOU BITCH?!”

She finally managed to shove the body off of herself, and ran screaming out the door. I took a bow, saying, “This theatrical production was brought to you by James and Co. which consists of my corpse and myself, along with the unwitting bitchy mare that ran screaming.” I turned and left, but not before grabbing the bag of holding left on the corpse’s hip. Polite applause followed me as I left, and I headed over the library to find William and get him to teleport my fresh corpse back to the house, and also to give him the new bag of holding. I pulled the jaw bone club out of both bags and absorbed the bloodstone from the new one into the bloodstone of the old one. The new club dissolved into dust, and a convenient gust of wind blew it away.

I reached the library, found William, and got him to head over to the restaurant to clean up my mess. I followed after him, and he resurrected the body, then teleported it to our house. We started heading back towards the library, and I noticed that it was rather dark out for being ten in the morning. Fluttershy was running around, trying to tell people stuff, but they were ignoring her. I looked up and noticed that the sky was covered in smoke, and it seemed to be originating from a mountain in the distance.

Right then, Twilight ran up and informed the growing crowd that they didn’t need to worry as there was no fire. Noo, instead was a MUCH less significant threat that being a dragon. Seriously, ponies need to get their shit together, at least with threat assessment. A large fire was more dangerous than a creature that could, on its own, set multiple of said fires in less than an hour. I grabbed the letter from Twilight’s hands, and she looked at me in annoyance, as she was going on about how her and her friends would get it to leave. The letter read as such:

James and William,

Your first mission as Agents of the Crown will be to remove the fully grown dragon that has chosen to enter a century long sleep in the mountains above Equestria. I hereby authorize you, in the name of the Equestrian Crown, to take any means necessary to remove its threat from Equestrian borders. If it is not removed, and stays for its one hundred year sleep, it will cover Equestria in smoke and end its threat. This letter is enchanted so that only those that bear the seal of the Crown can read it, though since this letter was sent through Spike, I have created a cover letter informing Twilight of the threat, and telling her to get her friends together to deal with the threat. I would much prefer you two deal with it before they arrive, and the reward for the completion of this mission, along with the dragon’s hoard, will be ten thousand bits individually, and you may keep any remains left over from the dragon, if you choose to kill it. I would like you to at least feign diplomacy first, so that I can explain to Dragon Lord Torch if he inquires as to why a dragon was killed on Equestrian soil.

Her Royal Highness,
Princess Celestia

I showed the letter to William, and he quickly read through it. Twilight ran off to get her group of friends together, and William turned to me. “Wait until they leave, and then teleport straight to the top?” he asked. I nodded, and we headed to the library to use Twilight’s telescope to keep track of them. We ended up hanging out with Spike, who had been tasked with caring for Fluttershy’s animals, and were laughing at his interactions with the misnamed rabbit, Angel.

After Twilight and her friends disappeared beyond the horizon, we looked at each other and nodded before William teleported us straight to a ledge on top of the mountain. We slid down the side of the mountain, landing on a ledge in front of the cave. “Sooo, do we want to straight up kill this thing, or are we going to give an honest shot at diplomacy?” William asked me.

I smiled, “Leave this to me,” I headed into the cave and walked up to the dragon that was sleeping at the back, and snoring rather loudly. “Oi! Oi! HEEEEY! YOU SMELL LIKE A CANDY’S CUNNY! YOU HAVE MORE SAG TO YER SACK THAN AN OLD BABOON! I’VE SEEN SCARIER SHIT IN THE LAB LATRINES!”

…

After five minutes I looked to William, “No go, man, plan B, we smack it in the sack with our weapons. Ain’t nobody sleeping through a cup check.”

“Please, allow me,” William grinned, conjuring up a giant crystal spear. “An unwanted penetration should do the trick,” William levitated the dragon’s tail out of the way and rammed the dark crystal up its ass. The dragon moaned and cracked its eyes open.

The dragon… moaned girlishly… oh my god it’s a GAY dragon! “Mmmm, what can I help you two sweeties with?” At this, it wiggled its back slightly, causing the crystal to go in further. William went pale and vomited, and I frowned at an upcoming awkward situation.

“Umm… we were trying to wake you up, cause, well, we need to talk, I get that you are tired, I get that a nap sounds nice to ya right now, but… You can’t sleep here. There are living things that live at the base of this mountain, and your smoke will kill everything that lives under you. I bet you are a nice guy, but sadly, you gotta get going. If you want, I could help you find a nice uninhabited area to sleep.”

“My old cave back in the Dragon Lands was taken over by Grumble, the biggest asshole you’d ever care to meet… Shame, I found out after trying to get some of his sweet ass. The name’s Smog, by the way. Anyways, Grumble took over my cave, along with my hoard, of which this is a small portion. If you help me get him out of there, you can have what’s here, along with his hoard, my old hoard. I never really cared for the accumulation of this stuff, but it happened anyway, mainly because I was trying to attract somebody.” Smog said.

William dispelled the crystal, and said, “If you’ll fly us over to your old cave, we can permanently get rid of Grumble for you.” Smog nodded, and lowered his head to the ground, which we climbed onto with haste. Just before he could take off, William shouted into his ear, “Let me seal this cave and leave a message for any who come by, and we’ll be on our way.” William raised his staff and blocked off the entire cave with crystals, on which it said, ‘Twilight and co. James and I have negotiated with the dragon, and we’re going to help him get his old cave back. Have fun hiking back down the mountain, instead of teleporting. See ya later.’

Smog flew a straight path to a volcanic area to the north east of Ponyville, probably about a thousand miles from Ponyville. He landed at the base of a heavily forested mountain, with a large opening visible. There was a large waterfall near his cave, but all of the trees in a few hundred yard radius of the cave were scorched, presumably by Grumble’s fire. William teleported us, minus Smog, to the entrance of the cave. We entered, and saw a red orange dragon sitting atop a large pile of gold and jewels. His eyes focused on us, and I said, “Grumble, I presume?”

“Who’s asking?” The dragon said, in a voice fitting his name.

“Nice, anyway, leave or die, and if you choose to leave, you’ll leave your hoard.” William announced. Grumble laughed, and blew fire on us. It simply washed over us, slightly burning our hair, due to the dragon scale armor I was wearing, and the protective enchantments in William’s robes. Speaking of enchantments, runes were visibly glowing on William’s robes, and he grinned. He raised his staff, and purple flames shot out, similar in appearance to Grumble’s flames, but in a different color. As I watched, the runes on his robe dimmed down, and the flames hit Grumble, causing him to stagger back. The scales around where the flames hit were turning gray, and in some cases, falling off and turning to dust.

I smiled then, eager to put my exalted blade to use before I spied a slot in my club that seemed to faze in and out of my vision, and fit the exalted blade handle perfectly, grinning, I took both weapons out and inserted the handle into my club, it alighting with crimson, glowing blood as I leapt straight to the beasts head before letting loose with a hearty swing, sending Grumble sprawling. “Feel free to regret being such an ass to Smog, poor guy just wanted someone to love, and your dumb ass took advantage of that!”

Grumble grunted in a dazed pain, “H-he was… revolting… Dragons… shouldn’t be like that…”

At that, I got pissed, “Oi! He deserves love just as much as anyone else! You… you… You cowardly little lizard!” my crown ignited as I gripped my now blazing club, and I began bashing him repeatedly, letting all my rage out on him, this bastard led someone on, just so he could steal their home and their belongings, and he dares call the victim disgusting?!

As I was beating the overgrown lizard’s head in, William manifested a giant glowing purple crystal spear and rammed it into the now scaleless chest of the dragon. It slid through the scaleless flesh as if through water, and Grumble coughed up a bit of blood before one last powerful hit from me crushed his skull and brain together.

I held my hands up in victory, “Who else wants some?! Who else hurt my friend?!” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a much smaller red dragon sprint out the cave entrance, carrying an armful of treasure. William didn’t seem to notice it, and I didn’t have many ways to attack at range, so he got away. William shot a purple magical flare out of the mouth of the cave, alerting Smog that we had cleared out the dragon.

Smog came in as we were cutting up Grumble’s corpse as William was stripping off the scales. In the minute or so after he had sent the flare out of the he had managed to strip the scales and spines off of the corpse, and I was in the process of skinning it. Smog came in, and on seeing Grumble’s barely recognizable corpse, he shrunk down to a fifth of his original size, which was about twelve feet tall, and scooped us up in a hug. William partially ignored the hug, hugging Smog back, but continuing removing the scales and spines from the body.

I smiled, “So, Smog buddy, you happy I’m assuming?”

Smog nodded happily, “Yes! So, so happy! I thought I’d never see my cave again! My sister was going to visit, and she was going to be so horrified by Grumble! He might of even harmed her little ones!”

He looked around as he began tidying up, “Oh, you simply must visit while she’s here! I’d love her to meet my first actual friends!” He then paused and looked to us “W-we are friends, yeah?”

William, having finished descaling the dragon, smiled at Smog, “Of course, why wouldn’t we be? I mean, originally we were sent to kill you, but after finding out the truth of the situation, and seeing what you were like, you seem pretty chill.” he said. He then ripped all of the bones out of the corpse, slicing off the flesh. Most of the bones fit in the bag, except for the vertebrae. He left those bones with the corpse, and Smog torched it.

I grinned, and held out an engraved onyx with silver runic inlays. “And if you can, send us a message on this little doohickey I made, I call it an echo stone. Let’s you talk to people across long distances.”

Smog smiled like a child on his birthday at this, “Oh, I will! This will be my most precious treasure! Thank you so much!”

William levitated one of the many piles of treasure over into his bag of holding, and Smog looked at him questioningly. Upon noticing his look, William said, “You offered the entire hoard, but we don’t need much more than this and the bit at the other cave. Friends don’t rob each other blind.”

Smog nodded and repeated it to himself a couple times, at his odd behaviour, I looked at him inquisitively this time. To which he smiled sheepishly “I… I’ve never had friends before…”

“Well, we’ll be on our way, call us if you need our help with anything, or you just want to talk.” William said. I also said goodbye, and Smog wished us a good evening. William teleported us back to the ledge outside of the cave, where Twilight was glaring at the message engraved on the crystal pillars.

Her eyes narrowed as she saw our reflections in the crystal and she spun around to yell at us. The rest of her friends also noticed us, though they were all sitting around doing nothing. “Why did you do this!? Celestia wanted me to do it, so why did you do it!?”

I frowned, “Hey, we felt like we’d be crummy friends if we left you high and dry to face a dragon, besides, Smog was nice, he was just kicked outta his actual home by some asshole who led him on. And besides, if he was an actually mean dragon, do you think you’d stand ANY chance in HELL of surviving? We are skilled fighters who CAN. NOT. DIE. Whereas you can die, and this world needs you girls, you bring so much light with you all. But we just bring… us. With all the trouble that brings.” I grinned sadly, “Even if we could die permanently, would anyone miss us? No, we are expendable. We are an acceptable loss, whereas you six? If some big bad comes that we can’t handle, your elements are the LAST. RESORT.”

“He has a point, sugarcube,” Applejack drawled.

“Yeah, they are not as vital as we are, dear,” Rarity said.

Pinkie Pie’s hair deflated as she looked at us oddly “Y-you… you’re right… sweet Faust you are right… I’m worth sacrificing friends for...”

I comforted her, and Twilight demanded that we explain what went down with the dragon, something about her ‘Friendship Reports’.

I grunted, “Yeah, one helluva friend you’re being right now. Your friend here is practically broken, and all you can do is demand you get your shit? Wow, A+ Twilight sparkle, way to get results.”

William noticed that Fluttershy had quivered in fear every time that dragons were mentioned, and comforted her. “So, why did you bring Fluttershy along? She’s clearly terrified of dragons,” At the mention of dragons, Fluttershy *eeped*, and William continued, “See, the poor girl is terrified. Let me guess, you thought her way with animals would translate to enormous, SENTIENT AND SAPIENT beings.” At Twilight’s guilt ridden face, he sighed in disappointment.

I chuckled, “And I thought you were a good person Twilight, but here you are, relegating Spike’s entire race to animals incapable of complex thought.”

At this, Twilight started crying, and Rainbow began looking angry, “Really Twilight, you could have easily figured out that Fluttershy was terrified of dragons, and you ignored it? And what, do you think of Spike as a glorified animal too?”

I crossed my arms, “Now, Rainbow, we can’t think too little of her, she grew up in Canterlot, also known as the national racism capitol.”

Twilight sputtered out a denial, “The ponies in Canterlot aren’t racist!”

I laughed, “Name twenty non-unicorn ponies in High society that are NOT unicorns? Is there a ‘Celestia’s School for Gifted Pegasi’ or a ‘Celestia’s School for gifted Earth Ponies’? Is there even a school of higher learning for Earth ponies?!” my crown started burning at this point. “Can I walk down the god-damned street, without being called a fucking monkey or ‘creature’?! How about when ponies steer their children away from me in the street, and say that I might eat them if they misbehave?! Yeah! I hear that shit! You think it doesn’t hurt?! I have lists of every hateful thing said by every pony I have ever met back home, and I am going to show that to your teacher, including the things I have heard about your ‘Generous’ friend Rarity say about us! Only generous thing I see from her is the shit she’s spewing out of that crapper I call a mouth!”
Twilight broke down crying, Rarity looked shocked that I had heard what she had been saying about us, Applejack, Pinkie, and Rainbow looked righteously indignant at the points I raised about school, though I suspect that Rainbow was only indignant because she couldn’t claim to have gone to ‘Celestia’s School for Gifted Pegasi’, though Applejack and Pinkie were rightfully mad at being only able to go to one level of school.

I wasn’t even done yet, “And what about the other races? The griffons, the minotaurs, god, what about the Diamond Dogs? I haven’t seen any of them walking around Ponyville or Canterlot, what about their housing needs? Do they live in concentration camps or some shit? Ghettoes? Or worse, are they not even allowed to live in Equestria? Or do ponies ensure that they don’t outlive their welcome? I thought at first glance that you guys were better than us, that you had your shit together! But this?! This is the last fucking straw! Next time I feel like saving your sorry hide, Twilight, I’ll leave you to BURN!” At me saying that, I turned to William, “I think you should teleport us home.”

William readied the teleport, and Twilight shouted, “That’s not possible for a non-unicorn to do!”

William grinned wickedly, “Oh Twilight, haven’t you heard? As far as magic goes, each of us is at nearly half of what Celestia is at, by my estimates. Toodles!” He teleported us into the cave, along with everyone but Twilight.

“So, why are we in here, darling?” Rarity asked curiously, seemingly trying to gloss over her sins that were laid bare barely three minutes prior.

I grunted, “Don’t push it, I could leave you to walk home with Twilight. Now I’m going to take MY reward for helping Smog, and then we are all going home, WITHOUT Twilight. She can walk, if she’s so much better than us.” William decided to just levitate the small hill of treasure left in the back of the cave into my bag of holding, and then teleported us back to Ponyville, outside of our house. The rest of the girls fucked off, and William and I went inside, where there were now two undead servants puttering about.

I then walked to the writing desk and began preparing to go to Canterlot. “You wanna come with, William?”

He nodded, “I have some things to bring up with Luna, mainly regarding foreign policy and internal security. You wanna make a show of it, infiltrate the castle, show up their security? Cause I’m ninety nine percent sure I could get into the castle with the simplest of spells.”

I got together a list of the things that I had been called, in order to bring it up with Celestia, and William grabbed a scroll and a pen, probably to record the bad security. “We leave in the morning, though we’re going to teleport to the main gate to the city, in order to make it realistic.” William said, heading upstairs to go to sleep. I finished getting my list together, which was QUITE long, and went up to sleep as well.

Chapter 6

In the morning, I got up and went downstairs, finding William already sitting at the table. He was looking through a couple of books. “Where’d you get those from?” I asked as I was sliding down the banister.

“I marked pretty much every useful book that I saw in the Golden Oaks library, so that I could teleport them to me and back at will. It also helps because, as OCD as Twilight seems, her library does not have a coherent organization scheme. For example, you remember ‘Fifty Shades of Hay’?” I nodded, and he continued, “Yeah, that was in the middle of a shelf of spellbooks. That was a pretty common theme, her having all of the books in random places. She’s lucky that no one ever goes in there, though in all honesty, she might be the reason.”

I shrugged, “Bitchy mares gonna be bitchy. Also, she’s a yutz, who cares, let’s go tell Celly what’s up with her ponies.” William shrugged, and teleported us out to the bend in the road past the gate into Canterlot. I remembered seeing it when the guard had flown us to see the Princesses a week ago, and it seemed William remembered it. We made our way around the bend, coming up on the gate.

When we reached the gate, and one of the guards shouted, “HALT! State your names and business.”

William and I introduced ourselves, and the second guard said, “By decree of Prince Blueblood the XIII, no non-pony races may enter Canterlot, with the exception of diplomatic envoys. Are you part of a diplomatic envoy?”

I nodded, “Yup, straight to Celestia herself. Big message.”

The guards looked at each other. “What is your message? We’ll deliver it to the Princess for you.”

I frowned, and William cut in, “Gentlemen, we are here representing the Deer Kingdom within the Everfree, and if you do not stand aside, we will have to report to the master of the Everfree, Father Ash, that you turned us away.” The guards, who were already white, visibly paled.

“Of course, would you like a guard escort?” William shook his head, and they bowed.

After we got out of earshot of the two guards, William said to me, “And there’s strike one, we feigned that we were members of a diplomatic envoy, and they believed it, letting us through even though we didn’t have any flags or papers with us. I’m curious to see if, with minor suggestion spells alone, we can get all the way into Celestia’s presence without alerting the guards.”

I grunted at him, “So, Blueblood’s part of the racism problem, eh? Guess I know who I’ll be talking to.”

William laughed slightly, “Well, let’s see how this goes.” We made our way through another several checkpoints, each time making the same claim, and each time having it work.

By the time we reached the castle, there was an escort waiting for us, and a unicorn in purple armor stepped forward, saying, “Good afternoon gentlecolts, I have been informed that you are here as diplomatic envoys for the Deer Kingdom, and am here to escort you to Her Majesty Princess Celestia.”

William nodded, and I followed along, this being his show and all. After making our way through the many halls of the palace, we arrived at the throne room, if the giant ass doors were anything to go by. An announcer announced us, and I strutted into the room, shouting, “Hey sunbuns, look who your guards let in without verifying any identification?!”

Celestia began laughing as her guards looked around in confusion. No one noticed William leaving, and as he left he cast a spell on Shining’s helmet. Suddenly, all of the guards tackled Shining, and after laughing for a couple of minutes, Celestia dispelled the magic.

I then looked to Celestia seriously after she calmed down “Okay, sunbuns, It’s time to be serious.”

She looked taken aback slightly before nodding “O-okay?”

I took out a list and handed it to her “This is my list of grievances with the ponies of Equestria, you may have been lead to believe that your citizens are loving and tolerant people, but… well… I just have to look at the guards for the city gate to see racism. Apparently someone named Prince Blueblood XIII has put an effective ban on the Canterlot guard permitting entry to non ponies that are not diplomats.”

Celestia had already read the scroll by the time that I had written, along with the naming of who did what specifically, and was already fuming with anger, the room raising dramatically in temperature. When I told her about Blueblood, her mane went aflame, “HE WHAT?!”

I nodded, “Just ask William when he came back, we had to say we were Deer diplomats just to get in.”

She barked an order to Shining to bring in Blueblood to her immediately, at which he seemed more than glad to do. I looked to her and smiled “It’s good to see you care, Celly. I uh… I was worried you wouldn’t.”

She was still livid as she responded, “Of course I care, my people are supposed to be accepting of all, not bigoted and hateful like this!” She turned to Blueblood as he was brought in by Shining, and raged at him, “So, dearest nephew, I hear you have been instructing the royal guard of Canterlot to turn away all members of non pony races who are not part of diplomatic envoys, is this true?” she said, in a painfully calm voice.

He looked shocked at finding out that he had been found out, before he saw me. “Auntie, that thing must be telling you bold faced lies! You know I am your head diplomat!”

I frowned before walking up to him and growled out what I said next. “I challenge you to a duel, the winner takes the losers title, land, and possessions. First one rendered incapable of fighting anymore loses. Right here, right now.”

Blueblood looked to Celestia in shock, seeming to be ignoring me “Auntie, will you allow this monster to-”

*SLAP!*

“I have had it with you ponies and your shitty ass attitudes to other races!” I then looked to Celestia “Will you bear witness to our duel?!”

She nodded grimly, her disgust at Blueblood evident in her eyes. “Indeed, make it painful, James.”

Blueblood then did the last thing I expected from him, he actually stabbed me in the back, he made a magical construct and stabbed me in the mother fucking back like a pansy ass coward! “It seems I win, then, monster.” he sneered.

I grinned as I began to die, letting my Respawn move me to right behind him, “Don’t be so sure.”

I immediately clocked him in the back of the head upon respawning and smiled, him falling to the floor like a sack of potatoes as I then took out my smithing hammer and chisel. At Celestia’s look at me, I spoke, “I would of just broken his horn, to teach him some humility, but now? Both his horn and his arms.”

[P.O.V. William]

After casting a ‘Want it, Need it’ spell on Shining Armor’s helmet, I started walking through the castle. I only had two simple spells on myself, a basic light warping spell, and a weak ‘Ignore Me’ spell. Both of these spells were rated Delta level, so any unicorn could use them. As I was going through the castle, I saw Shining Armor dragging a pompous looking unicorn behind him, saying, “Ever since Nightmare Moon returned, you guards have become more impetuous!” I tripped the asshole, after learning that his name was Blueblood, and I continued making my way through the castle, memorizing the layout, and made my way to Luna’s quarters. Coincidentally, she was also heading there, I assume from the dining room, so I just followed behind her.

After following her to her quarters, she opened the door, and I followed in close behind her, making sure not to touch anything. She took off her crown and tossed it onto her nightstand and sighed, at which I said, “So, what’s got you down, blue moon?” from behind her. She jumped and yelped adorably, firing a blast of magic at the spot that I had been in. I dodged out of the way, and her guards rushed in, having heard the commotion.

They spotted me sitting in an armchair in the corner of the room, and they moved to arrest me, but Luna stopped them saying, “This one has our permission to be in our room. Leave us, I must see what he wants.” The guards nodded, and Luna looked back to me, “So, how did thoust get in here? Our room is warded against teleportation.”

I grinned, “You see, this is what I wanted to talk about. I’ve actually been in the castle for the last thirty minutes, and, using only three Delta class spells, have broken into five high-security rooms. I managed to get into all four royal family member’s personal chambers, and not once did anyone suspect anything was amiss. I also got into the Royal Vault, though that was using an Alpha class spell, so it doesn’t count.” Luna’s jaw had already dropped, and I continued, “If you’re curious about what spells I used, they were ‘Light Shroud’, ‘Lockpick’, and ‘Ignore Me’. All of the spells were used with the lowest power rating, so any unicorn could’ve used them. What I’m trying to say, is that we need to talk about Canterlot’s overall security.”

Luna nodded, “Were there any spells that thou used against our guards?”

I grinned and shook my head, “Depending on whether or not you count the Ignore Me’s overall effect, no, I didn’t even have to use a spell against anybody.”

“May thou point out all of the flaws in our security, so that we may correct them?” Luna asked. I explained everything that I had found, as well as giving her the list that I had made. The list was pretty long, starting with how the guards had let a two-person ‘diplomatic envoy’ into the capital, when they weren’t carrying any identification flags or papers. Also, the lack of a request for papers was another one, and with magic, it was possible to create magical signatures. She got up and beckoned for me to follow, and I followed her back to the throne room, where Celestia and James were presumably still talking.

[P.O.V. James]

William and Luna walked in as I was finishing breaking, or more accurately, shattering, Blueblood’s arms. “Sup man,” William said. Luna was grinning at the sight of a hornless Blueblood with both arms shattered.

I smiled, “Sup. This asshole just lost his princehood to me, thought he could win his duel with a stab to the back.” I chuckled “Should’ve seen his face when I came back.” I looked to Celestia “So, what do I get?”

“You will be taking up all of Blueblood’s princely responsibilities, which consist of attending Crown-sponsored formal events, and you will be taking over diplomatic relations with other countries.” Celestia responded. “You also may have a township of your choosing, as Blueblood elected not to take one upon finding that Canterlot was unavailable.” She gestured to a group of ponies that were waiting just outside the door to take Blueblood to the infirmary. As soon as they left, she sealed the door behind them, magicking away the mess left behind.

I grinned, “I want Ponyville, may I have that township?”

She thought a moment, “Why? I thought you hated Twilight after reading that list…”

I nodded, “Oh, I do, so I am removing her tax exempt status, and making her have to pay me rent. Also, she will have the new embassy for foreign relations RIGHT next to her home. After we build it with the help of your thestral guards, that is, they are nocturnal, yes?”

Luna grinned, “Yes, our thestrals are nocturnal.”

William cut into the conversation, “Having been to the library personally, I know for a fact that Twilight does not do her official job as librarian of Ponyville. I move for Twilight to be fired, and have her royal stipend halved, as she has not been working towards the completion of her goal, as dictated by you, Celestia.”

I nodded, “I agree, William is right on all counts, she has been a negligent and horrible friend.”

Luna asked, “But what about her ‘Friendship Reports’ that she sends you regularly, sister?”

“From what we have been told, and from what we have seen, she understands what friendship is, if her reports are anything to go by, but that’s all they are, reports. They have no effect on her real world understanding of friendship, having refused to let Fluttershy, the Element of Kindness, who is mortally afraid of dragons, stay behind in Ponyville, citing that her ability with animals would translate well to sentient creatures rather well known for their violent tendencies.” William responded, taking a deep breath at the end of his tirade.

I then spoke up about Smog, “And poor Smog was actually a decent guy, he just got booted from his home by a real asshole of a dragon.” I huffed, “If Grumble was the one out there, instead of Smog, then they’d be extra crispy.”

“So, Twilight hasn’t been taking her lessons on friendship to heart? That’s a shame, it would seem I may have been mistaken about her destiny as an alicorn.” Celestia said sadly.

“Actually, depending on how she took our talk yesterday, she may change for the better. Though, honestly, I probably still won’t like her much.” William said. “Also, what’s this about alicorn destinies?” William asked, and Celestia clammed up.

Just then, a letter appeared in front of Celestia, It was apparently from Twilight. She cleared her throat and read it aloud.

Dear Princess Celestia,

James and William have pointed out many flaws of mine, upon finding my friends and I upon the top of the mountain that the dragon had been residing in. They pointed out to me that I cared more about the results of my mission than the mental states of my friends. I had requested that they detail exactly how they solved the problem with the dragon, rather than comfort one of my friends who was having an emotional breakdown over the thought that her life was more important than those of others. The friend I speak of was Pinkie, and James comforted her as William pointed out to me that I disregarded Fluttershy’s fear of dragons in order to remove the dragon, which, in hindsight, was an obvious fear. I likened dragons to animals, not thinking about how that could be interpreted, especially given that Spike is essentially an indentured servant, and sleeps in a basket like a pet.

I realize that my actions may require you to revoke my privileges as a student of the Crown, and I ask that you leave me enough in my royal stipend for me to take care of myself and Spike as I search for a new livelihood.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

I looked to Celly and grinned, “Well I’ll be damned, she actually feels bad enough to own up to it. There’s hope, at least.” I frowned, “Okay, I might let her keep her tax exemption UNTIL she gets a job alongside her royal stipends. That girl needs to get a work ethic, bad.”

Celestia nodded, and quickly penned a letter back to Twilight, telling her that she would still be Celestia’s personal student, and that her owning up to her faults and moving to improve them was admirable, and a sign of maturity beyond her years. She added that, due to complaints about her lack of availability, and the lack of her use of a standardized organizational theme, she would have to step down as Ponyville’s librarian. She sent the scroll, and we began discussing changes to the security of the city and castle. Shining Armor sat in on these discussions, occasionally inputting some advice.

“So, I’ll be handling the retraining of the unicorns?” William asked, and everyone in the room nodded. “Nice, I’ll go deal with that, I can think of some pretty useful basic spells that they can all use, and some stuff for the more specialized of them. Also, I’m just gonna put it out there, we should probably allow other races into the city guards, if they aren’t allowed already.”

Shining Armor grunted, “They aren’t, but I’ll be glad to back that change as the captain of the royal guard.”

I smiled, “And I have been thinking, I’ve been hearing about a ton of mine collapses in the Canterlot iron mines, why not hire some Diamond Dogs as a rescue team? They are naturally skilled excavators, and as they love jewels and metal the same way a dragon does, they more than likely know how to help with mining even if they aren’t in an emergency.”

Luna nodded, “That would also serve a double purpose of improving our relations with them, since currently our relations with them are rather strained.”

“Oh, right, Celestia, that reminds me, how the hell did relations get this bad with other races, anyway?” William asked.

“Basically, after Luna was corrupted,” Luna winced slightly, “I was either too busy or too tired to uphold diplomatic interactions. So, I delegated the task, though it seems that I was mistaken in who I gave the responsibility to.” Celestia said.

I noticed Luna wince and frowned, “Hey, Luna, you know that you don’t have to beat yourself up over that, right?”

She sighed, “We know, but it was a mistake on our part that allowed the Nightmare to gain purchase in our mind. If we had been more careful, maybe it would not have happened.”

I put my hands on Luna’s shoulders, looked her in the eyes, and promptly shook the crazy out of her.

“What was that for?” Luna asked indignantly.

“Now your crazy is gone, so stop feeling bad about what happened, you were left high and dry and a parasite attacked you, so what? You’ve got me, who would love to be your friend, Celestia, your loving sister, and little Willie, who I’m pretty sure has the hots for ya. Focus on the now, the now is good. If ever it's not, just think of the bright parts, let them brighten you up like the stars in your night, ok?”

“Also, if someone’s causing you problems, tell me, and I’ll turn ‘em to stone. No one heard it here though.” William snarked. “But seriously, I’ll help get people off your back if they’re giving you trouble.”

I then smiled at Celly, “You’re here for her too, yeah sunbuns?”

She pouted slightly at me calling her that, but nodded, “I will never leave my sister to suffer like that again.”

I nodded and then smiled to her, “So, you have all of us to help you, and that number will ONLY grow. So cheer up, and show us that happy smile, eh?” Luna smiled, with tears in her eyes, and pulled us all into a hug, except for Shining Armor, who had started looking lost as soon as we started talking about Luna.

When the hug broke, William left to presumably start training the unicorns, and Shining left alongside him, probably to supervise. Luna also left, after yawning and saying, “Good day to you two,” And like that, it was just Celestia and I left in the throne room.

I smiled to Celestia, “So, you wanna have that date you promised me? Or are you busy? I won’t be too pushy. I get that dating an alien must be strange to think of.”

“I’ll have to clear up a spot on today’s schedule, and then we can go. I think it would help quell some of the racism of my ponies to see their Princess dating a member of another race.” Celestia responded, nodding.

“I am tempted to joke that you only love me for my body, but I know that that’s a load of crap.” I smiled, both at the thought of dating Celly, and that William seemed to be opening up to someone other than me.

Chapter 7

It was apparently a better idea to go to one of those high society dinner places instead of a karaoke bar I had seen on my way here, which was a shame, as I knew some songs that I was sure Celly would love. “So, what’s the food like where we are going? Just an FYI, I can’t eat hay or flowers.” I had seen them eat that stuff, and while I had no qualms with it, my stomach sure did.

Celestia nodded thoughtfully, “I know of a sushi place that has been received well by the ponies, even though they are...vocal, about their misgivings for eating fish.”

I nodded, “Well, fish is fine for me, and from how you phrased that, I assume the same is true for ponies?”

She nodded and I smiled slightly, “Thanks by the way.”

She frowned, “For what?”

My smile widened, “For being a good person. I know how a dire situation can change someone. All that craziness from how I was acting when we first got here? That was...well, a coping mechanism for a truly hopeless situation for us. Your kindness kinda gave us the hope for a future here that we needed.”

She smiled, “And thank you, for not letting my ponies cruelty towards you darken your heart.”

I frowned, “Trust me, there’s plenty of dark in mankind's hearts already, probably why Dark magic doesn’t affect us, we just are used to that little demon of darkness on our shoulders, whispering in our ear, trying to tell us what to do.”

Celestia frowned as well as we got a table “You? Darkness in your heart? I have not seen it.”

I sighed “The way we handled Grumble was less than noble, for one, when I see someone being mistreated just for the way they are… or being forced into something they don’t want… I get extremely angry.”

Our waiter came up and smiled to us, yes, smiled, because she was NOT a pony, but a kirin, her scales were an alabaster white, and her ‘mane’ was a bright orange red, with golden orange horns. “Thank you, Both of you. I heard from the guard what you both did. If it weren’t for you, us mixed bloods would still be barred entry from our homes.”

I smiled weakly, “Thanks, er… I’m sorry, I don’t see a name tag.”

She smiled even wider “That’s because you are the first to to care what my name was, most people just either called me slurs or by species. You really are different from most!”

I clenched my hand angrily before a thought struck me, I didn’t see any chefs around here. “Your name? What is it?”

She frowned with worry, “Er… It is Bright Mind, sir. My parents said I was clever, so they named me that.”

I looked to Celestia “And, as a prince, I can hire a personal chef, yeah?”

Celestia smiled knowingly, “Indeed, you can.”

I looked to Bright Mind and grinned “I want you to make your favorite dish to make, and serve it to me, if I like it, I will make you my personal chef.”

She grinned at that and ran off, before a loud cry of joy was heard. As she got to work, I looked to Celestia, who was smiling. “What? I wanted to help the poor gal, you heard her, she was being treated like shit.”

Celestia chuckled, “It seems that your darkness has little hold over you. Because all I see right now is a good man.”

“Ugh, this impure bitch takes forever with our food.” A light grey pony with a much darker mane said haughtily from the table behind me.

A faded yellow mare with a two-tone white and blue mane nodded haughtily, “Of course, I hope her impurity does not taint our meal.” she spat.

I calmly turned to them and frowned, “You do know that it is a universal rule not to insult the person prepping your food, right?” The two ponies were about to respond, when they were cut off.

“You never know what they might slip in accidentally. It might cause a distinct decline to your overall health.” Celestia said, clearly miffed at their racism.

They both shot out of their seats and bowed, which Celestia had them hold for the rest of the conversation. “Common sense dictates that you treat others as you wish to be treated. Perhaps I should make a royal decree that you are to treat others how you see them treating other people.”

“Um, Princess, I never dictated anything like that, but I approve, I shall quote you on that.” a scholarly looking unicorn said as he left the establishment.

I put a hand on her shoulder, “Now now, Celly, that would be a step in the wrong direction, I say you should simply have them apologize to all the people they were racist to, in the town square. With everyone watching.”

“I think that should be your first Princely decree, flex your metaphorical wings a bit.” Celestia responded.

The two ponies flinched, and the guy said, “This CREATURE is going to be a Prince of our country!?”

I frowned, “You just insulted royalty, bucko.” I looked to Celestia, “Is there some punishment for that? A fine, perhaps?”

“There is a punishment, but it has been so long since it was used, that I don’t think any of these MORTALS remember it. Would you like to know what it is?” she asked the two, who nodded, “Why then, its the complete stripping of all titles and rights guaranteed to nobles by the Crown, along with seizure of all lands and finances controlled by said noble family. Of course, this doesn’t affect any illegitimate children who have no inheritance, and all of the families’ holdings go to the member of the royal family they insulted, and that member of the royal family can give the title and holdings to someone of their choosing.” she smiled sweetly at the two, and continued, “Of course, this law is enforced on a case-by-case basis, at the discretion of the member of royalty you insulted.”

I smiled, “I think I’ll do it. Add their title and holdings to… hmmm… Ah! Applejack’s family, they could use more money, maybe afford to help their Granny live a bit more comfortably.”

I then looked to Celestia and smiled, “So, now that tweedle dunce and tweedle douche are dealt with, how about we talk out how to fix some of those problems? I’d love to see the racist nobles squirm for a bit as they are forced to live in the same city as, say, a minotaur.”

She hummed thoughtfully, “Yes, I agree, we should. After we eat though, as sir Bright Mind has come with our-OH SWEET FAUST THAT’S A LOT OF FOOD!”

I looked to Bright Mind and gasped, “Dayum, kiddo, You went for the gusto!”

She blushed, “Heh, well, I’ve always wanted to be a chef for a kind person, someone who not only genuinely complimented me, but was kind enough to stand up for my draconic heritage… A-and… you are the kindest man I’ve m-met in this city…”

I grinned, “Well, it seems that there are no other patrons here, so how about you eat with us? I can’t possibly eat all of this. And Celestia, while many things great and marvelous, is not a bottomless pit.”

Celestia blushed a little and nodded, “Y-yes, I have no problem with this.” I felt her kick my shin “Why’d you have to phrase it like that, though?”

I shrugged, “Because you are enchanting, m’lady.”

We then sat and ate, enjoying all of our company and getting to know Bright Mind until the majority of the food was gone, and our stomachs could hold no more. “Blurgh… I can feel my stomach expanding…” Celestia groaned.

“Using magic can burn off food you ate, right?” I asked Celestia, and I grinned. I focused on the room around me, burning runes slightly into each of the chairs and tables, along with the silverware. I enchanted the silverware to return to the drawers they come from if they left the building in the care of anyone apart from the owner. The chairs were set up so that, aside from the initial charge I gave them, they would use whoever’s magic that sat in them to teleport a set of silverware to them. The tables were enchanted to keep whatever food was set on them at the correct temperature, regardless of them being hot or cold.

I felt less full than before, so I figured it worked, and Celestia’s horn lit up, teleporting us to the balcony of her room. She cast another spell, firing a ball of magical energy high into the air, which promptly exploded, showering the city with hundreds of thousands of golden sparks. The ponies that had been outside cheered, and Celestia lowered the sun as the moon rose from the opposite horizon. We watched the stars wink into existence, one by one, as Luna painted the night sky.

I then felt something pulling at me from the city, it felt like I was being called, beckoned even, and I looked to Celestia, “Can you teleport me to the town square? I have some stuff I gotta do. Oh,” I looked to Bright Mind and smiled “Stay in the castle until I get you to leave, okay? We’ll leave in about three days from now.”

As Bright Mind nodded eagerly and walked out into the castle proper, with a guest pass courtesy of Celestia, I looked to Celly and frowned after the door closed, “Something is calling me, and it feels strong. Whatever it is, keep a feel out for my magic, if it gets snuffed even once, put the city on high alert.”

She nodded and cast a spell on me, my mark from her glowing slightly before going back to normal. “There, I have you being tracked by the spell. Now just be careful okay?”

I nodded and let her teleport me before I began walking to the back alley by the town square, this one having a bookstore of all things. I walked in and heard an eerie laughter, a small old mindflayer behind the counter, which was an immediate red flag. “Welcome, welcome child of the infinite! It has been too long since one such as yourself has graced my store, come, come! We have many books that you may enjoy!”

I walked up to the counter and he smiled, “You may choose two books of four, take no more, for the elder ones are always watching!”

I looked to the various books, seeing two that caught my eye, and grinned. “Summoning and Contracting, a Step by Step Guide… and The Gift of the Architect.”

The mindflayer nodded and opened the two books as a torrent of information flooded my mind, to which I promptly booked my shit out the door, bumping into William. At that moment, I blacked out and woke up in the Canterlot Castle. I heard his voice in my mind, sounding oddly pleased. “Thank you for choosing well, may the knowledge serve you well!”

[P.O.V. William]

After having all of the unicorns in the guard constantly throw spells at my shield for hours, I felt an odd pull on my magic. If I had to describe it, I’d say that someone was trying to pull me with a thread, uncomfortable, but not painful. I tried to teleport to the source, but was only able to get to the end of an alley that exited onto the street. I headed down the alley, noticing a sign with books on it, which seemed to be the thing that was drawing me. I moved to enter the building, but bumped into James. I stumbled back slightly, as that guy’s armor weighs a ton, and he collapsed, blinking out of existence.

I tried to trace the teleport, and it clearly went to the castle, so I assumed it was safe. I entered the bookshop, noticing a mind flayer in the back of the shop, behind the register. “So, why did you draw me here?” I asked it.

“I drew you here because you’re not native to this dimension, like me,” it said. “You may take two books of four, but no more, for the Elder ones are always watching.”

“God damn it, I knew the Eldritch ones were real,” I sighed, “So, Ag’thuuzar, why are you in the realm of ponies? Did James and myself’s arrival trigger one of your prerequisites for becoming active?” I asked. He flinched slightly at my use of his name, and nodded. “Nice, shoulda guessed something non-native to this section of the multiverse as I understand it would be a trigger. Anyway, let’s see what we got,”

I picked up a book titled ‘Spoken Law’ from the pile and set it aside, and Ag’thuuzar looked pleased, “So, you’re technically a book, yes?”

The pleased look left his face as soon as the words left my mouth, “How did you know that?” his voice hissed, both in my mind and aloud.

“Oh, I just studied the Lovecraftian mythos on my world. It mentioned Ag’thuuzar, the personification of the book that knows all. Technically speaking, you are the fourth book in the equation, so I’ll take your physical form, to summon and order as I see fit.” I said smugly. It was a bluff, since technically that bit of information wasn’t SUPPOSED to be canonical to the mythos, but from his reaction, it seemed I hit the nail on the head.

“Damn Lovecraft, spreading the Elder Ones’ secrets,” he hissed in frustration.

“Well, my first order is not to harm anyone, physically or otherwise, unless I give you explicit orders to do so. Otherwise, for example, if I were to order you to protect a building, you would make any intruders simply fall asleep rather than harm them.” He sighed, seemingly in relief. I teleported us back to the castle, and turned to him, “Can you take book form?” He popped into a dark purple book with a green geometric pattern covering it. It was actually rather small, but then again, that was all the better. I stuck it in my bag of holding and went to find out how the unicorns were doing.

[P.O.V. James]

I had been feeling sluggish as I went through the new knowledge in my mind, I knew that this stuff was WAY more intense in power than anything I had before. Together with my other powers, I was a force to be reckoned with, as I could now do Sagecraft on a level before unthought of. Not only that, but I now had the ability to form a contract with an eldritch being, once I met another one… I then got up and walked to Celestia's chamber to give her the all clear.

When I reached her bedchamber, I decided to make her something nice, so I grabbed a ruby, amethyst, and lapis and formed them into a very beautiful flower. I knocked on her door and smiled as she answered, “Why hello James, I take it all is well?”

I nodded, “Just had to deal with a minor eldritch being, he gave me some new knowledge. Also, I made you something.”

I handed her the flower, and she gasped, only to teleport the flower and me into her room. “Tell me everything.”

Chapter 8

I was standing in Celestia’s room, waiting for my signal to head out onto the balcony next to her. William was presumably hanging out with Luna, who, for whatever reason, was still awake at ten in the morning. Yesterday, after getting fitted for the tuxedo that I was going to wear for the ceremony, along with a dragon-scale arm greave that was actually my armor. I had enchanted it to shrink down into a single small piece of armor when I wanted to wear normal clothes, and at a thought it could cover me entirely. I had stated my distaste for the tux that I was wearing, as it made me look like Blueblood, but I understood that as much as I disliked it, it was a rush job, so I couldn’t complain.

I smiled as was I ushered onto the balcony by Celestia, she smiled warmly at me, “My dear people, as I had said, I have learned of Blueblood’s treachery, and thus, he has been stripped of his titles, and his nobility. All of which, along with the control of Ponyville as royal overseer, has been transferred to James here, your new prince!”

The nobles polite applause was overwhelmed by the cacophony of cheers and cries of joy from the lower classes of Canterlot at my being made a prince. My suggested rules, which had been heard by the castle’s servants, along with Celestia’s approval of them, had been spread through the lower classes of Canterlot by said servants. I looked at the roof of the building opposite the balcony and saw a unicorn sitting atop it. He was holding what appeared to be a crossbow, and the only reason I thought he was a unicorn was because of what looked to be a horn holding up his hood. I noticed William and Luna become visible behind him, and they teleported off in a burst of shadows, bringing the would-be assassin with them.

I noticed Celestia looking towards me, expecting a speech or something. I sighed and stepped up. “As you have all heard, I am the first non-pony royal in Equestria. I don’t know if another non-pony will become royal, but what I do know is that things WILL change. The treatment that the nobility and the racist masses impose upon those of mixed descent, or those not ponies… It is NOT acceptable. I swear to you all that it will be my mission to not only garner peace with our neighbors, but to stamp out this rampant injustice in our culture, yes, our culture, because while I may be no pony, but you are my people, my subjects, and I will see to it that my duty to serve you, all of you, is fulfilled!”

With this, Celestia placed a circlet of gold on my head, with a ruby gem in the center over my forehead. We headed back into the room, where Luna and William were waiting. “So, the assassin is waiting in the dungeon for interrogation.” Luna said.

Celestia frowned, “What assassin?” she asked.

“Oh, there was just a unicorn assassin on the rooftop across the street. As much fun as it would’ve been to let everyone find out about his immortality, there would’ve been riots, so we shut that shit down. Which reminds me, I really need to get onto the guards for letting an assassin into an event like that,” William explained.

I shrugged as Celly looked to me questioningly, “Hey, beats me, I don’t exactly have tons of nobles scrambling to be my friend.”

Celly sighed, “Well, we should try to see what the scumbag knows.”

I gasped playfully, “Such language my dear!”

Celly huffed, “No one hurts those I love.” At realizing what she said, she blushed deeply, as did I.

“Anywho, if you two are done flirting like school children, we should probably go interrogate this guy. I have something that I wanna try on him.” William said impatiently, then teleported us to the dungeon.

A gray unicorn with a silver mane was chained to the wall, with purple crystals growing out of his horn. “So, you wanna tell us why you tried to kill me?” I asked him, to which he responded by spitting in my face. I wiped the spit off, brushing it off onto his arm, then brought my knee up between his legs. He hissed in pain, instinctively trying to hold his damaged cohones, but couldn’t as his arms were still chained to the wall.

“Let me handle this,” William said as he tapped me on the shoulder. I reluctantly let him, and a voice unlike anything I had ever heard came out of his mouth. “Tell us everything about every assassination attempt or assassination you have participated in, along with the names of yourself and every person you’ve worked with.” The unicorn’s eyes went glossy, and a veritable deluge of words fell out of his mouth. The gist of it was that Blueblood, knowing that someone would probably challenge him to a duel eventually, set up a contingency in case he lost, and that was for Long Shot to kill them in as public a fashion as possible.

He also gave us the names of several assassins and alchemists that he had worked with in order to kill several high-ranking officials over the last ten years.

I looked to Celestia “Seems we can now have Blueblood tried for crimes against the crown, both high and normal treason, and conspiracy to commit murder.”

“I’m sure if we looked deeper, we’d find that he used public funds to pay the assassins, along with something that I’ve heard about some of Blueblood’s… non consensual relations with some of the maids, and they never publicly said anything because he would have them fired and blacklisted.” William pitched in.

I felt my blood boil, “Makes me wish public executions were still a thing.” I then wondered, “Hey, could we set up a charity where people pay to pelt him with rotten food?”

Celly nodded, “I think I can set something up for his… community service, when he is not in prison that is.”

Blueblood was locked in a high security cell in the deepest pit of the dungeon, guarded by an entire squad of mages that William had taught. We got lunch in the dining room, then, after saying our goodbyes, William teleported us back to Ponyville. When we arrived in the town square, there was nobody around, so we headed into Sugarcube corner to get some more food. The servings at the castle were surprisingly small, and William was a little hungry after the teleport.

“SURPRISE!” shouted the entirety of Ponyville, with all of them somehow fitting into the small building. There was a jester standing in the back, an unnaturally tall guy with an extended neck and arms that not only had the Slenderman like length of reaching the ground, but had an extra joint to them it seemed, he was wearing an odd mask as he towered over the ponies at ten feet tall. Even though he was freaky tall, his legs were almost comically short and bowlegged, and his torso was massive. Speaking of massive, his hands seemed like they could crush my head in each of them independently. He was currently stirring a massive pot of what looked like veggie chowder.

I frowned and walked up to him “Wassap?”

The jester guy seemed to not notice me, until I tapped his back and he jumped before turning around, “Pinkie you scared me- Oh sweet old ones you can see me too?!”

William sauntered over, “So, why are you surprised he can see you?” he asked.

He looked to William and tensed, “I sense an old one on you, are you two here to take me back?! No, I won’t go! I’m so close to being seen by ponies at large, I might finally make friends! You can’t take that from me!”

William laughed slightly, “Nah, man, the old one on me is just Ag’thuuzar. Come on out, mate.” he said calmly. A book floated out of his bag of holding, turning into the mind flayer that I had seen at the bookstore. “He said I could have two of the books that he set in front of me, them I remembered that he was technically a book, so I took him. Fun times.” he explained to us. Ag’thuuzar and the jester examined each other warily.

The jester eventually looked to me and William, “So… are you two descended from old ones like Pinkie? Is that why you can see me?”

“Nah man, we’re actually not from this branch of the multiverse, if naming conventions are to be believed.” I responded nonchalantly.

The jester nodded slowly as he rubbed the chin of his mask thoughtfully, “Hey, kid, you have the smell of a summoner, you wanna form a contract with me? I may not be the most aggressive Old one out there, but I can handle myself in a brawl. All I ask is that you let me travel.”

Pinkie Pie popped out from my pants and smiled at the jester as she steps out. “Hiya Yoggy! What brings you here? You wanna dance some more?” I noticed that time in the area around us had stopped, probably due to the multiple Eldritch beings that had converged.

The jester, apparently nicknamed Yoggy, shook his head, “Not now, Pinks, I’m talking with what I can only guess is that James guy you were talking about.” He then sighed in mild frustration, “And my name is Yog’rizzicth, please don’t call me Yoggy, it makes me sound like some sort of yogurt mascot.”

She frowned, “But it’s so hard to say! I don’t wanna make you sad, but I also don’t want to say your name wrong…”

Yog’rizzicth sighed thoughtfully, “Okay… you can call me Yoggy, just please cheer up pinks, I hate seeing ya frown.”

She beamed, “Okie dokie loki! Have fun making new friends!” She then bounced away as we looked to each other.

I was the first to speak, “So, as part of the contract, I have to say you must never harm others unless if it is in self defence or protection of others, unless I give explicit instructions otherwise, deal?”

Yog’rizzicth nodded happily, “Yes, definitely! I will totally follow those rules, they sound right up my alley anyway!”

I held out my hand, and he took it, the contract seal forming on my hand, a chain circle and an eldritch tentacle intertwining like a double helix in a circle on the back of my hand. “A pleasure to welcome you to Equestria.”

He tilted his head, “Why?”

I frowned “Well, it just feels right.to do so. Besides, if we are going to be contracted to each other, we should at least be friendly.”

He smiled before morphing his shape into that of a lanky earth pony, still wearing jester’s clothes, as time resumed. “Yer a stand up guy, James, it’s going to be a blast!”

After six solid hours of partying, which sadly didn’t include booze, though that was likely due to the kids that were eating and drinking a little bit of everything. William and I headed back to our tree house, with Yog’rizzicth following close behind. Bright Mind was slated to arrive on the four o’clock train tomorrow afternoon, and I was rather looking forward to eating more of her delicious cooking. We went up to sleep, and Yog’rizzicth left to go explore the nearby Everfree Forest.

After we got up and had some breakfast, we headed into town to check on the girls, who, with the exception of Pinkie, had eaten way too much during our ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party, which was rather late, but better late than never. On our way through town, we noticed a conspicuous lack of ponies around town. Unlike the last night, this time the silence seemed malicious, and we noticed what looked to be a pony in a dark brown cloak poking around the fountain. We started heading over to her, as the figure was distinctly feminine. She pulled down her hood, and suddenly the silence in the town made sense. She was a ZEBRA, not a pony like I had initially thought, and the ponies’ racism was showing again.

Applejack whisper shouted from the Sugarcube Corner, “Hey, y’all might wanna come in here. Ya know that talk that ya had tha other day with us? That’s going on again.” I sighed, walking towards the bakery, with William tailing behind me.

“You know that zebra is cursed, right?” he asked me, just before we got into the bakery.

“Yeah, but don’t mention that in front of the ponies, don’t need a live reenactment of the Salem Witch trials going down here in Ponyville.” I responded.

He scoffed at this, “What, you think I don’t know that? I was just making sure you knew,” he responded as he pushed open the doors. There was a hushed silence as he entered the bakery, with me right him.

“So, are you two going to get rid of that disgusting zebra?” Rarity asked, then continued, “I heard she was an evil enchantress. She lives in the Everfree Forest for Celestia’s sake!” she shuddered at the thought, continuing, “and that cloak she wears. Absolutely dreadful!”

“I’m just sure that you would be willing to make her a better one then,” William replied, his voice positively dripping with sarcastic venom. Rarity, however, did not seem to catch it.

“Oh, heavens no!” she exclaimed, “Just look at that fur, so garish! I couldn’t make anything look good on her!” William facepalmed at her response, slowly shaking his head.

Twilight looked like she was barely containing her anger at Rarity, it seems our talk had a profound effect on her. “RARITY! That is her FUR! She can NOT help what it looks like any more than YOU can help being an absolute snob!”

I nodded, “Well put Twilight, it amazes me that anyone would see her as genuinely generous. Hell, I’m fairly certain she weakens the Elements in some way.”

“I am plenty generous!” she retorted, “Just remember when I gave that poor river serpent my tail so that he could have a complete moustache again!”

Twilight nodded, and then William put in his two cents, “But immediately after, due to you doing so, an advantageous opportunity opened up, allowing you to cross the river without getting your fur wet. Try again.”

“What about all the fashion tips I give people, darling?” she desperately tried.

“Those are just thinly veiled insults, even I could see that,” Pinkie replied in an uncharacteristic deadpan tone.

Rarity sputtered, “What about the dresses that I’m making you girls for the Gala?”

At this William broke out laughing, “Oh you mean the free advertising you’ll be getting off of your friends, one of which will be spending the night standing NEXT to Princess Celestia? Those dresses?”

I then decided to speak up. “If you were really generous, you’d offer free clothes to, say, someone who is not famous, and won’t be at something high profile. Like, say, a certain zebra over there that you were just complaining about her clothes.”

Rarity looked to her friends before huffing and pouting, before muttering under her breath. “I will NOT make a dress for a filthy Zebra whorse…”

*SMACK!*

I hit her with a mighty pimp slap, even greater than the one I gave William, to which she spun not twice, but ten times in quick succession, then fell over, knocked out cold. “That bitch was getting really tiresome.” Everyone looked at me in shock, “What? I hate the bitch, and she was asking for it. I don’t give a shit about gender, you piss me off I hitcha.”

At that statement, William and I stalked out of the building, headed to where the zebra had been. Unnoticed by us, Apple Bloom, Applejack’s younger sister, followed us as we followed the zebra into the Everfree. We skirted around some blue flowers, following the zebra at a short distance.

“Apple Bloom!” Apple Bloom gasped in surprise at her sister’s voice, and Applejack continued, “You get back here right now!” she shouted from a patch of the blue flowers.

“Beware, beware, you pony folk, those leaves of blue are not a joke!” the zebra said as she backed into some spontaneous fog.

“You keep your creepy mumbo-jumbo to yourself, ya hear!” Applejack shouted. The rest of the girls agreed and William just looked at me and shook his head slightly.

“Beware, BEWARE!” the zebra shouted, fog eventually concealing her from sight. The rest of the ponies fucked off back to Ponyville, and we followed the zebra’s hoofsteps in the soft mud. We came up on a tree house that was just as twisted and creepy looking as ours was, and William stepped forward and knocked on the door. The zebra called out from inside, “Come in, come in to my abode, be sure not to step on my toad!” William shrugged, opening the door, and William carefully stepped around the aforementioned toad, which was sitting in the middle of the doorway.

When she opened her mouth to say something again, William raised his staff, drawing a thin stream of magic out of her mouth. She coughed once, then shouted, “What the fuck was that for?!”

William just shrugged, responding, “I just absorbed the curse that was affecting you, I guess it forced you to rhyme?” A look of relief and surprise washed over her face.

I grinned, “All the time?”

William facepalmed, stabbing me in the chest with his staff. The zebra looked on in surprised horror as William killed me, only for me to respawn a foot behind my now dead body. “That was for the shitty play on words.” he said, shaking his head. “Oh, right, I’m William and this is James,” he continued, gesturing to himself and then me.

“I am Zecora, and it is nice to meet you, though I am curious as to how you know Zebrican.” she replied.

I looked to William as he looked to me, “Quantum shit?”

“Quantum shit,” he confirmed. On noticing Zecora’s questioning look, he elaborated, “Yeah, we’re not exactly from this universe, so shit like this happens. Anyways, nice to meet you, Zecora, we’ll probably talk to you later. If you need us for anything, our house is the tree on the road from the Everfree to Ponyville that has a giant face above the door. See ya,” he said, waving back at her as we walked out, carefully avoiding the toad.

We walked back, arguing back and forth on why we were able to speak multiple languages, even if they sounded like English to us. I argued that it might be a side effect of the dark magic books. William believed that, when we entered this universe, it didn’t know what race we were, so it over corrected and gave us knowledge of every language. The same situation could be applied to our magic, due to our universe not having any, and every living thing in this universe had some, so it gave us the matching type of magic to our souls. While we were arguing, we didn’t notice that we had entered the patch of blue plants that Zecora had warned the others off of.

“Well, I guess we get to see exactly what effect these things have on us.” William said, teleporting us back, which in hindsight, he probably should’ve remembered beforehand.

As the sun was setting, we went inside, finding Bright Mind waiting on the living room couch, wearing only an apron. William just opened his mouth to say something, then decided against it, teleporting off somewhere.

“...Why are you dressed like that?” I asked, to which she smiled bashfully.

“I just wanted to welcome you home, master, do you want dinner? A bath? Or… me?” I froze up at that and frowned, unknowing of how I should proceed,

“Brighty, you know I am dating Celly, yeah?” I asked.

She nodded, “Yeah, but herding is a huge thing, surely she would be open to sharing.”

I frowned. “Brighty, I don’t feel right not asking first, can we wait until I can get a message to Celly about this?”

She smiled somewhat sadly, “Ok, master I-”

I cut her off, “And don’t call me master, we are friends, even if Celly says no, so I want you calling me James, okay?”

She blushed, “U-umm… I was trying to convey my… p-preferences…”

“Oh, well shit, sorry, I’m tired, and really spacey. Mind if I go to bed? I trust you found a bedroom just fine?”

She nodded, “Yes James, it was perfect.”

I nodded and headed to bed before smiling, happy that nothing TOO crazy happened lately.

When I woke up in the morning, I noticed that I had a new appendage just above my ass. I also noticed that my skin was now blood red, and very furry. I rushed over to look in a mirror, and saw that I was now an earth pony with crimson fur, a dark red mane and tail, and when I turned and looked at the back of my shoulders, I saw a blood red, anatomically correct, crystal heart. “Well shit, I’m a pony.” I muttered to myself. I also noted that I was on that fine line of musculature between ‘works out regularly’ and ‘bodybuilder’. I walked downstairs, heading into the dining room, where I noticed a bone white unicorn with a black mane and tail that both faded to purple. I assumed it was William, though I was kinda questioning why he wasn’t wearing a shirt, but that was answered by the tattered remains of it in Bright Mind’s hands. His cutie mark was a playing card, the king of spades, but instead of a living person, the king was a skeleton, and instead of a sword, it was holding a scythe.

“Sup man, it seems I have become the living embodiment of edginess,” William said. His horn lit up, and a spare shirt was teleported in front of him. He slipped it on, and Bright Mind’s eyes locked onto mine.

Bright Minds face went a deep crimson and she began stammering for words desperately. “M-m-master! Y-y-your shirt! Y-your chest, a-and abs!”

I smiled a little shyly, “So, er... who knows what the hell is going on?”

“Oh, you know those blue flowers that Zecora warned us about?” I nodded, “Yeah, those were poison joke, shit’s weird. Essentially, it pulls harmless pranks on whoever walks through it, though if this is what it does to us consistently, I’m gonna save some of it for when we need to go incognito.” William finished.

I nodded and looked to Brighty, “Keep the house secure, if a white mare named Rarity comes by, slam the door in her face and cuss her out.” I then looked to William, “Well, we better go make sure those girls aren’t inspiring a witch hunt.” I then looked to William and smiled, “You should try that facial hair spell, by the way, a beard would look absolutely badass on you, get a whole Merlin thing going on.”

“Maybe later,” William replied, then teleported us into the library, where, listing off what was easily visible, Twilight had a flaccid horn, Rarity’s hair had become overgrown and matted, AJ was about the size of a doll, Pinkie’s tongue had swollen up and was hanging out of her mouth, and I noticed that Rainbow’s wings were upside down when she crashed through the window. Fluttershy had nothing noticeably wrong with her, at least, so small bonuses.

Rarity noticed me and giggled like a schoolgirl before she tried to saunter up to me, I stopped that shit quick, “It’s me, James. Now back off and I don’t sick fleas on you.”

Twilight was looking William over with interest, and he seemed like he was trying not to laugh at her horn flopping around every time she moved her head. “Who might you be?” she asked curiously.

“If he’s James, who do you think I am?” he retorted sarcastically, “Also, please stop flipping your limp, phallic shaped horn around my face. I ain’t gay, ya know.”

Twilight jerked back, with a slightly offended look on her face. “Well, I guess we should look through every book here for what is going on with us.”

“Oh, yeah, no, you don’t need to do that. You guys just got affected by Poison Joke, those blue flowers Zecora WARNED you about?” A look of dawning realization crossed her face, and she rushed off to a random section. “The book is the ‘Supernatural: Natural Remedies That are Just Super’” William called after her.

After she spent nearly ten minutes looking for the book, William just teleported it into his hands and chucked it next to her, catching it just before it hit the wall and floating it in front of her face. “Found it!” she called, and William just facepalmed and shook his head.

She went about, gathering ingredients, and the rest of her friends helped. Spike also was running around, getting stuff, seeming to have gotten over his crush on Rarity. I guessed that his crush was purely physical in nature, so that would be easy enough to break. Twilight got all the ingredients together, and we headed over to the spa, which had the only tub large enough for what they were trying to do. She gave me a pouch of the herbs necessary to reverse the effect, and one of the two spa mares, this one pink furred and blue maned, led us to a different, smaller tub than the one the girls were using.

I dumped the herbs in, and hopped in immediately after, screaming in pain almost immediately as I could feel the muscles on my body dissolving. I could feel the bones in my legs snapping, and my hooves cracking, making way for my feet. The fur receded back into my body, though I hardly felt that, and my ears shifted forms painfully, moving back to their proper positions on the side of my head. William was just watching this happen, flinching slightly at each *crack* of the joints in my knees reversing. Eventually the pain faded, and I looked to William, grinning, “Your turn.”

“Nah, I was planning on staying a pony for a while, and that just cemented the idea. Fuck that shit. Though, if you’re curious as to why I’m staying a pony, it’s because I want to test the guards at Canterlot Castle against a unicorn threat. Horse cock don’t hurt the decision though,” William replied. He promptly teleported out of the building, and I got dressed after drying the bloody water off.

I walked into the next room, where all the mares were waiting, with traumatized looks on their faces. Rarity had a large swollen lump on the side of her face where I had hit her yesterday, and I suspected any discoloration was hidden beneath her makeup. Serves her right.

I walked to Twilight and grinned, “Glad to see me?”

Twilight cocked her head in confusion, “Huh?”

I chuckled, “Well, yer awfully rigid now, rock hard even.”

She flushed a deep red and promptly got up, wrapped in a towel, and stormed out. I then got dressed and walked through Ponyville with a grin on my face as I made my way to our house. On my way there, I felt a buzzing sensation in my bag of holding, which turned out to be the echo stone. I channelled some magic into it and Smog could be seen inside the crystal “Hey there, Smog!”

Smog jumped and looked to his crystal in his hands, seeing me. “Oh! James, it’s great you answered! Dragon Lord Torch is furious you killed a member of the Horde! He demanded that I contact you and get you over to the dragon migration site, it’s where your trial will be taking place!”

I frowned, as Smog seemed really worried, “What’s wrong, bud? What are dragon trials like?”

“Essentially, the accused has to fight a dragon, in the case of it being multiple people, the one who struck the killing blow has to fight the eldest offspring, any who assisted have to fight the spouse. I told him that William struck the killing blow, and you assisted, as you knocked his head around and he stabbed him through the chest. You will be fighting Screech, Grumble’s life mate, and William will be fighting his eldest son, Strident. We will be flying through the area you live in in the early afternoon tomorrow.” Smog informed me.

“Weeeeeelllll shit.” I said as I hung up the echo stone. I hurried back to the house to inform William of the news.

Chapter 9

“I’m seriously going to ask why he even cares such an asshole is dead. Literally, guy basically made one of his own subjects invade Equestrian soil for a home.” I said as Smog was flying towards us.

William was waiting impatiently, “You know I’m just going to order Rumble to die, right?”

I shrugged, “I’m keeping my tactic a surprise, but just know, it’s going to be epic.”

Right then, Bright Mind, thankfully fully dressed this time, ran out of the house with a duffel bag packed full of what looked to be cooking supplies, “I’m coming with you!” I shrugged, and William also shrugged.

“Cool, as long as you have all your shit together, I’m sure Smog won’t mind carrying one more.” William said.

I nod bashfully, still thinking about Bright Mind’s… proposition. “Y-yeah. Oh, and stay near me, okay? Last thing we need is an absent minded Dragon stepping on you.”

She nodded and winked suggestively, “I’ll make sure to do that then.”

God damn it Smog HURRY UP!

“I kinda want to see Smog’s reaction to me being a pony, but eh.” William said. He cast an illusion over himself that made him look like he had yesterday, before the poison joke. A circular insect that I remembered William telling me about called a ‘parasprite’ was visible fluttering down the road. I lifted the ground around it into the shape of a predator’s maw and had it snap closed around the insect. According to William, if they ate anything at all, they would reproduce asexually, and slowly overrun entire towns. Reminded me of locusts, to tell you the truth, other than the asexual reproduction bit.

Smog landed on the ground in front of our house, shaking the ground with his considerable bulk. He held out a claw, laying it flat on the ground, and we clambered onto it. He raised us up, and deposited us on his back, “Hang on to my spines, at least while we’re taking off!” Noticing that we had secured ourselves, he took off. With each stroke of his wings, he covered more ground. If I had to guess, I’d say we were going at a hundred and fifty miles an hour, and we were still accelerating.

When we were over the volcanic area to the south of Equestria, a rainbow shockwave swept over the land. It passed over our heads, but hit Yog’rizzicth in the face, who neither William or I had noticed. “Tastes fruity,” he said, his mask grinning.

I looked to Yog’rizzicth, and frowned, “Jesus fuck, are you okay, man? That looked painful.”

Yog’rizzicth shook his head, “Nah, partner, I’m fine! Also, just call me Yog. Easier to say fast.”

I nodded as we reached the volcanic mountain that the dragons were supposed to be migrating to, and Smog began descending towards its base. “Lord Torch set up an arena for you.” he said as he made a beeline to what seemed to be a large cage formed from the very earth. We landed outside, and a dark teal dragon about thrice the size of Smog with very large, curved horns on the side of his head. The area around the arena only had a few dragons, it seemed that only those close to Grumble had come.

The huge dragon, presumably Dragon Lord Torch, frowned at us “So you are the ones who slayed Grumble. And you!” he said, pointing at William, “I can tell you are a pony, so dispel the illusion.” William shrugged, dispelling the illusion, revealing his still pony self. He then looked us over, “I do not see how you were capable of killing Grumble. Would you care to elaborate? Or did Smog deceive me, and it was him who committed this deed?”

I shrugged, “We were stronger, and we are more used to killing.” The dragons gathered growled angrily, as if they were offended by what I had said, instead of backing down like they intended, I growled back. “Hey! I don’t see any of you down here! If you are so great, come down here and fight us! Oh, wait, no, only his grieving wife and son decided to nut up and do so! SO SHUT YOUR SORRY TRAPS!”

They growled with even greater anger, but were stopped by an angry glance by Lord Torch. “You have come to me to have them tested by combat, as is our way. You shall NOT break our sacred traditions!” He then looked to William and smiled, “Now, equine, you fight Rumble, the odd creature and the mixed blood watch before the odd one goes next.”

“Aight.” William responded simply, teleporting into the arena as we walked to the outside edge of the cage to watch. A large male dragon, who I assumed was Rumble, stepped into the arena from the other side. He was about two thirds the size of Grumble, so about eighty to eighty five feet tall, with scales of red and orange.

“I’ll get revenge on you for murdering my father!” he shouted as he jumped at William. William teleported into the air above him, uttering a single word. “Die,” at this, Rumble tensed up, before his entire body relaxed, collapsing dead to the floor. Torch seemed rather surprised at the display, announcing William as the winner.

When William left, I walked in to find a large purple scaled dragoness who seemed to be radiating pure grief and rage, she looked to me hatefully before breathing a blazing inferno my way. “You will be held responsible for murdering my love, and my child! I will never let you leave this arena!”

I frowned as I let the flames wash against me harmlessly, as I focused on the mountain by us with my powers, finding that it was a massive volcano, to which I praised my good luck. “Now look, I can tell you are mourning, that’s natural, but fighting me? That’s suicide. Why don’t you let someone else fight? I don’t feel like making that runt I saw running from the cave an orphan.”

She tensed and growled at me before launching a tail whip my way, “How dare you call my Garble a runt! He is better than you ever will be!”

I sighed as I easily stopped it in my hand, letting my power take hold of the volcano. “One last chance lady.”

She shouted in rage, “NEVER! YOU TOOK MY REASON TO LIVE ALREADY!”

I then used my other hand to grab her tail and spun her around before throwing her at the far wall before I took control of the volcano, forming it into a massive humanoid shape as it lifted up the cage and grabbed her, before crushing her in its hand and covering it in lava, which I willed solid. I was staring at it and decided to make a show, by leaping towards it and forming it back into its volcano shape, to which I smiled at the other dragons, “Anyone else wanna fight?”

Bright Mind was staring at me in shock, unable to say anything as I grinned with uncertainty. ‘Oh shit, did I scare her? While that would make dating Celestia easier, I also really liked her… what if-’

“THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!” She said as she ran at me and wrapped me up in her arms. “How did you even do that?!”

Torch looked to the other Dragons, who were grumbling angrily, “While I am interested as well, I must ask that you come here first, the second part of both of your trials is at hand.” William and I approached as was demanded of us, and Torch held out a small scepter between one of his talons and his thumb. I felt power radiating from the scepter, and a beam of red shot out of the jewel on the end of it. It washed over us, and I suddenly felt an extremely itchy sensation all over my body. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the discomfort, and when I opened them, I was at eye level with Torch, which, judging from the look on his face, along with the other dragons around us, was not expected.

It seemed that I was the same crimson color that I had been as a pony, but my scales were so shiny they were nearly incandescent. I looked over to William, who had a claw between Bright Mind and myself, was a chalky bone white, with the same color spines as his mane had been. Upon seeing that we were both still alive after the transformation, he hit us with another red beam, reverting us back to our normal forms, though William was still a pony. It also left us with wings, so I could see William being mistaken for an alicorn, so that might be hilarious.

I looked to them and instinctively knew how to move them, to which I gave an experimental flap.

...

JESUS FUCK I WENT HIGH! I thought a moment and forced myself down at high speed, landing neatly at the crater left by my takeoff. By neatly I mean that I landed feet first and stuck that bitch.

Most of the dragons were gaping at the sudden disappearance and reappearance of moi. The crater was probably a bonus, so small things. Yog decided that right then was a good time to come off of Smogs back, “So… What’d I miss? I was taking a nap.”

Torch looked at Yog and shuddered, “You entertain odd company, unnamed one.”

I looked to Torch curiously, “My name is James.”

Torch shook his head, “No, you are unnamed by the dragons. What name do you choose for your official name to the dragon people?”

I deadpanned, my eyes narrowing,“Call me James.”

Torch sighed and nodded, then pointed at William, who at this point was flexing his wings experimentally, I assume to get an idea of their full range of motion, saying, “And you?”

William burped, purple flame coming out of his mouth, “Balefire,” he said, grinning.

On that note, we both took off, after waving good-bye to Smog, that is. We both left craters behind where we left the ground, and Bright Mind was being carried bridal style in my arms. Yog was doing whatever the fuck he does when we leave him behind to go do something, and we started making our way back to Ponyville. A mach cone began forming around William, and as I was going at the same speed he was, I assumed the same was happening with me. With two loud, simultaneous ‘cracks’ we broke the sound barrier, trailing purple and blood red contrails. We skidded to a stop in Ponyville only a minute later, our legs somehow not shattering on the landing.

“Sup,” I nodded at Rainbow, who was gaping at us as we skidded to a stop. She was eating a sandwich, and it slid slowly out of her hands, splatting on the table. The rest of that group of friends were also looking on in awe, when I suddenly felt a distinct feeling of heat on my arm.

“Fly to Canterlot?” I asked, smirking.

“Fly to Canterlot.” he confirmed. I set Bright Mind down gently on her feet, and William and I took off. We should probably figure out how to not make craters everytime we take off, maybe jump off buildings? Eh, William will probably come up with something, if I asked him.

We crashed through the stained glass window of Twilight and her friends vanquishing Nightmare Moon, and pulverized the marble floor on landing. I immediately fixed both things with the Architect ability, though I slightly edited the window so that it depicted Twilight as an alicorn. I nodded to Celestia, who was just staring at me, or more specifically, my wings. Luna was staring at William in general, since he was still a pony.

“Sup sunbuns,” I said as I heard two distinct *pomfs* as their wings shot out.

They both blushed and wrestled them back under control, Celestia replying, “The Alpha King of the Grand Warren on the eastern continent has requested our help in rescuing his daughter from a rogue warren near Ponyville. There have been reports of them taking slaves, so you will have to-” A letter materialized in front of her, and she quickly read through it, “It appears that you will have to get to work on this sooner than expected. Rarity has been kidnapped by the warren in that area, so the security of Equestria is at stake. Your pay will be discussed when you return with the princess, so that she may be delivered to the Alpha King.”

I grit my teeth and growled, literally growled, most likely a new feature of my draconic additions. “They are as good as saved. And the slavers? They are as good as dead. I’ll make it slow.”

William teleported us back to the outskirts of Ponyville, where we saw Twilight and co. searching through piles of dirt for an entrance. William sighed, shaking his head, before levitating a tube of dirt out of the ground under one of the dirt piles, hopping down it. I followed after him, and we landed in a tunnel system that stretched on in both directions. “Yog, kill any slavers who may escape us,” I announced.

Yog melted out of the wall, his mask now a fierce glare, “Gladly. Slow or quick?”

“As painful and slow as possible, but don’t let any of them get away.”

Yog nodded, “Easy peasy boss.” he then disappeared in a distortion of space. I heard the whining of a dog down the direction we were facing, and took off at a jog, heading towards it, my club at the ready. William lit up the walls with purple fire, lines stretching far into either direction, though in the direction we were headed, it seemed the tunnel opened up. We began hearing the sound of Rarity’s voice, and I understood why the dog’s were whining. Really, with how Rarity sounds, death would be a kindness, one I wasn’t willing to give just yet.

I had William make us invisible, and he levitated us over the floor so that we didn’t make any noise. I was using my Architect powers to make muzzles that would allow air in, but no sound out, and sticking them on the do
gs that were out of the way. I then stabbed them in each leg and arm, pinning them to the ground, slowly ripping them to pieces. William seemed to be doing something similar, if the areas of dead silence were anything to go by. At this point, Twilight and co. came into the room, Spike with a dreamy look on his face as he rode on Twilight’s shoulders. They grabbed the handles on some carts filled with gems nearby and pulled them out, heading back the way they came. As soon as they exited the room, William dropped us back down to the floor, grinning at the whimpering Diamond Dogs.

“Where is the king’s daughter?” William asked what looked to be the alpha, if the special collar and the clothing he was wearing were anything to go by.

He whimpered, “She’s in the one of the cages! Please, have mercy!”

“Nope,” William responded, stabbing him in the chest with his staff. Gray traces began spreading out from where the point of the staff entered his chest. After ten seconds, he was completely turned to stone, pain clearly written across his features. William put his foot against the chest of the statue and pushed, removing his blade from the chest. He just started burning the dogs alive, and I continued with my slightly discriminate murder of all of them.

I eventually made my way to the cages and was, at this point covered in blood, and found a large male Diamond Dog holding the only female I had seen in these tunnels so far at knife point. “S-stay back! I’ll kill her!”

“Nope,” I formed the knife into a synthetic stake and made it literally dive through his eye and into his brain, effectively lobotomizing him. The second I saw the Alpha King’s daughter, I blushed slightly, as she was a blonde Diamond Dog with a figure reminiscent of Mother Birches, although a bit less athletic. She wore little to nothing at the moment, not helping my blush any, and she was looking at me with wonder in her eyes.

“Wh-who are you?” she asked, fear in her eyes.

I smiled reassuringly. “I’m here to save you.” I held out my hand gently, “Come on, I killed the slavers, you are safe. Are there any others?”

She shook her head, “N-no, I was the only one besides the snobby prissy pony.”

At this we heard a few screams from down the tunnel, along with William’s voice, “Feel agonizing pain,” it echoed through the halls. Since it wasn’t directed at either of us, we didn’t feel it, but judging from the screams, the rogue Diamond Dogs definitely did.

We made our way back towards the main room, where William was lounging on the throne in the center of the room. “Oh hey, what’s up. Is that the king’s daughter?” he said, carefully stepping over one of the writhing bodies on the floor. The alpha, or the statue that he became, was nowhere to be seen.

The princess grunted sadly, “My name is Ruby, not like anyone cares…”

“Sorry, we were sent to find you, we didn’t really catch your name, or even a description, so forgive our impertinence,” William responded sarcastically.

She frowned, “You two… actually care who I am?”

“Should we not?” William asked. It seemed he was really liking sarcasm at the moment.

She shook her head, “N-not normally… most people just see me as the king’s cursed daughter…”

“Ah, you want us to lift the curse? I could tell there was something off, wasn’t sure what though.”

She shook her head, “The knowledge that comes with it is too great… my people need it.”

“Alright then. If you don’t mind me asking, what is your curse though?” I said.

She blushed, “I-I am constantly reborn through the females of my lineage. I have a single daughter, and then die, taking the place of my child. It only happens when the one I take as mate becomes the Alpha King, and that is the only time I can become pregnant.”

“Well, shit if that isn’t depressing. Anywho, I’m starting a statue garden of people I don’t like, so, James, hit me up if you want me to include anyone for you. Also, should we just let Yog handle the rest of these slavers and head back to Canterlot?”

I nodded and looked to Ruby and smiled. “How about we take you home?”

Ruby shook her head, “A-actually… I’d like to stay with you, J-James…”

I smiled dumbly, but before I could respond, William pulled me off to the side, “You realize this is like the sixth chick that’s fallen for you.”

I frowned, “Six? God… Well, I know I like two of them, but… Six girls like me? Who?”

“Celestia, Pinkie, Bright Mind, Ruby, Rarity, and Twilight. Get some help, man.” William answered. “Also, think ‘Death Dealer’ would be a good cover name? At least while I’m a pony?”

I started pacing, “Okay, in order, I’m telling Pinkie, Rarity, and Twilight to step off, never touching those three with a ten foot pole, and I’m thinking I’ll ask Celestia if she’d like to herd. Also, having seen your cutie mark… one sec… let me think…. Oh, read this.” I materialized stone from the ground that spelled the next words I said, “Fuck yes,” I grinned. William shrugged and teleported us back into the throne room, where there was a petitioner already. It seemed that Luna had left already, probably going to sleep.

I smiled as I looked to Celestia, who looked bored as hell. To this, I made a bunny out of the rug and had it hop behind the noble and start dancing, to which she fought the urge to laugh. I then made three more bunnies, and made them dance in a can-can line, her fighting even harder. I then had them dissipate into the rug and repair it before I walked up behind the petitioner with William and Ruby close behind as I slapped him on the back, “What’s going on good sir? Let me see what’s new in the petition circuit?” I then grabbed his petition signed by some nobles I had known to be friends and lackeys of Blueblood. As I read through the cripplingly boring petition, I noticed a clear tone shift after the third page. After the third page, the proposal stated that by signing this, I would be stripped of all ranks, titles, and holdings, and would be turned to stone. “Hah, funny stuff, how long has this meeting been going on Celly?”

She shrugged, “Twenty minutes, it seems the nobles wanted to build a statue in your honor.”

William looked over my shoulder, “Huh, that’s actually a little clever, trying to dissuade someone from reading further by using technical speak to make it as boring as possible.” At noticing William, the noble bowed, and Celestia grinned, “Why are you bowing? And why are you grinning?”

The noble’s face was practically touching the floor. “It is an honor to meet you, your majesty! What is your name?”

“Uhh, Death Dealer, why? Also, why the ‘Your Majesty’ shit?” William responded, then looked at his wings, “Oh fuck, all alicorns are members of the royal family, aren’t they.” Celestia only nodded, grinning. “God damn it, it’s too late to get rid of these as well. Guess I’m stuck as a pony for the foreseeable future then. Welp, RIP me.”

I nodded and walked to Celestia as the Noble quickly realized what I was doing and tried to stop me with pitiful stammering. “I think you’ll want to read this, sunbuns.”

As Celestia read it, I followed her eyes as she went over the entire fourth page, and smiled as I could feel the room grow hotter from her anger. “You… you… You CRETIN! YOU WOULD HAVE US CAST OUT THE MAN WE LOVE AND HIDE IT BEHIND GOODWILL!?! GUARDS! SEIZE THIS PITIFUL INSECT! I WANT HIM GONE!”

...wat? Does not compute. Error 404 file not found. Critical failure, restarting brain.exe

“HUH?!” I shouted as I looked to Celestia, “Y-you… love me?! Here I was planning all this shit, trying to figure out how to tell you that, in private, and you say that to, what, the entire planet?!”

Celestia blushed deep red, “Y-you love me too?!”

I nodded as the guards dragged the noble to god knows where, do we even have dungeons? “W-well yeah! I was studying Pony society and saw that instead of marriage you guys usually do herds, so… I was going to ask about starting a herd, but y-you kinda beat me to the punch!”

“Welp, time for me to dip, get me from a bar when it’s time for my coronation.” William said, saluting snarkily and teleporting out.

I looked to Celestia and Ruby and sighed, “Welp, seems I have some stuff to take care of.”

Chapter 10

I found William sitting at a bar, unconscious, with fifteen bottles of whiskey sitting around him, along with a half empty keg of rum. There was also a larger, completely empty keg of the same stuff, with what looked like gold leaf on the lid. I shook him awake, and when that failed to rouse him, I shouted loudly in his ear, “Run Will, ITS A BETTY!”

He snapped awake, sinking into the shadows beneath the bar. Unlike the last time that he had done this, the shadows looked like they had actually been disturbed, rippling like water. He poked his head out of the rippling shadows, looking around, and, upon finding none of the aforementioned Betty’s, raised himself out of the shadows. They slicked off of him like water, which was odd, cause you know, light. His horn flashed with a purple light, and his eyes cleared. “Well, I assume from you waking me up in a bar,” he started, kicking an empty bottle of whiskey for emphasis, “that my coronation is sometime in the next hour?” I nodded, and he shrugged. “Well, let’s see how the populace reacts to somebody named ‘Death Dealer’ being a member of the ruling class.”

At this, a timid looking unicorn mare got up from behind the bar, where she had seemingly been hiding, “Sir, we still need to discuss the terms for your ownership of this bar,”

William turned slowly, “I bought this bar last night?” she nodded, “Did it have anything to do with the various bottles of alcohol around here?”

“When I refused to serve you after the sixth bottle, you asked, and I quote, ‘Does the limit still apply if I own the bar and all the booze?’ which, after examining the law, it did not. For curiosity’s sake, why were you so insistent on drinking these last couple of days?” she answered.

“Oh, just my imminent throne and therefore responsibilities. Shit sucks. I would turn back into a human, but that would likely raise too many questions as to why the newest alicorn mysteriously disappeared.” he gave his draconic wings for emphasis, “Anyways, I’ll pay you to continue working here and whatnot, just let me know if you have any problems.”

On that note, he teleported us back out into the throne room, where Celestia, Luna, and a third, much shorter, pink alicorn. She balked at the sight of William’s wings, and his general appearance, as his fur was a kind of unhealthy looking chalky bone white, and he was rather bony.

“So, what did I miss on my two day drinking spree?” he asked nonchalantly, ignoring her obvious discomfort.

“So, we’ve been talking…” Celestia, Luna, and Cadance all looked to each other, with Celestia starting off.

“Death Dealer may not be very well accepted to the general populace…” Luna continued.

“So, we think it might be a good idea to change it to something reminiscent of our names.” Cadance finished.

“You know what, considering that I like Greek mythology, I’ll go with Hades. That name doesn’t have connotations or negative stigma around it, right?” At seeing them shake their heads, he grinned, “Great, it was a toss up between that and Thanatos.” At seeing them flinch at Thanatos, he shrugged, “Guess that was the right choice then.”

His clothing flared up, morphing into a neat black tux with blood red pauldrons. He looked at the pauldrons contemplatively, and his horn lit up, removing them from existence. “The ceremony will be in thirty minutes, and it will likely be considerably more robust than James’ was, if only because of you being an alicorn.” Celestia informed him. He strode out of the throne room, and Ruby passed him as he walked out. She looked back at him, then at the rest of us.

“So… what was that about, and why did he smell like he drank an entire bar full of booze?” she asked. “Also, why was I asked here?”

I smiled to Celly, who smiled back and nodded, “Well, he is going to be coronated as an alicorn prince, so he decided to drink his problems away. As for the reason we brought you here, that was for a certain offer to you, extended from James and I.”

She frowned with worry, “You aren't sending me back, are you? I don’t want to leave, I know you have James, but...”

I smiled, “We were wondering if you, along with one other mare, would like to join our herd.”

She positively beamed with joy, “Really?! Y-you don’t mind that I’m a Diamond Dog?”

I shook my head as Celly smiled warmly, “We would love to share our stallion with you.”

Luna smiled ecstatically “I have another sister! Huzzah!”

“Sadly, our time grows short, and I have to deal with Hades’ coronation, so I will bid you two adieu. Maybe you would like to accompany me to Ponyville for a meeting with Twilight and her friends afterwards?”

Ruby nodded happily as I chuckled, “Sure thing sunbuns, keep on being a rocking princess, okay?”

I headed out to the building across from the balcony, where Celestia was giving her typical coronation speech. I say typical because it was basically identical to the one she had given for me on my coronation, minus a few embellishments. Unlike the last time, all three of the alicorn princesses were present, I assume that because I wasn’t an alicorn, they hadn’t needed to all be present for my coronation.

Yog materialized from the stonework next to me out of the blue, “There is a dragon approaching from the south, and he looks angry!” he said, startling me slightly.

I frowned as I thought of the potential damage a dragon could do here, and looked to Yog, “Can you try to warn William? Try to get him to speed up the coronation, or something, I don’t know.”

Yog saluted, melding back into the ground, and I saw him through the window of the balcony, talking to William. I turned to Ruby, willing my armor to materialize. “Can you keep overwatch while I go deal with the dragon?

Ruby grinned as she took out a steel recurve bow that had unfolded from her pouch “I’ve got your back, love.”

I kissed her on the cheek before taking off of the roof and flying for the dragon, taking out my club as I charged my power into it, planning to use my power in combination with my speed to knock this guy out into fucking orbit. I dipped towards the ground, trying to give myself an optimal angle and speed to hit it. I saw it in the distance and aimed at it, coming up on it rapidly. I uppercutted it with the club, and it began flying rapidly into the sky, its body limp. I was pretty sure it was a guy, and I was also pretty sure he won’t be coming back anytime soon, considering the blood trail he was leaving behind.

I flew back towards the city, or more specifically, the roof of the building across from the palace balcony. I landed, startling Ruby a bit, as I had literally just dropped in from pretty high up. William was saying something about him being the alicorn of life and death or some shit, and if what I’d seen of his magic, he could probably pass it off as true, even though half of it was completely unrelated to his cutie mark.

“So, Ruby, you wanna maybe grab some gems to eat? I’ve been curious about the taste of them for a while.” I said with a grin as I pat her rump.

She smiled with a blush as she nodded. “Y-yeah, I’d like that.”

As I took her to the palace, I wondered how a diamond would taste, and decided to get some of those. I walked over to the trainyard, got some coal from it, and compressed enough for two diamonds roughly the size of an apple each, and I walked over to Ruby, handing her one which she took a bite from. “Mmm~ Diamonds are always so sweet…”

I grinned and took a bite as I then stumbled from the immense delicious flavor. “Oh, hell yeah! Diamonds are like fucking watermelon! But no juice! It’s like watermelon candy!”

Ruby grinned as she walked with me through the palace gates. “You know, if someone ever told me I’d be in a herd with Celestia, and be happily munching on a diamond with such a cutie, I’d call them a liar, then have them mentally evaluated immediately.” She chuckled as I looked to her worriedly. “Don’t worry, I just have to follow protocol for that, mentally ill diamond dogs are dangerous, they could cause a cave in, which could be… really bad.”

I noticed we were coming up on the throne room and smiled to Ruby, “Wanna see how William is doing with the whole alicorn spiel?”

We walked into the throne room, where a shirtless William, or Hades now, I guess. I noticed that the playing card had changed slightly, the top half being a regal looking man holding a rod of Asclepius, while the bottom half was the same skeleton holding a scythe. “Oh, hey, what’s up?” he said upon noticing our entrance.

“... You better explain this shit fast or I’m going Betty on your ass.”

“So, basically, I got poisoned, they insisted I go to the hospital instead of die, I decided comply, just to see where it was going, saved a guy’s life, and my cutie mark evolved. Celestia and Lulu have no clue how the fuck it happened, considering this is the first time in recorded history a cutie mark has evolved.” he paused, “Oh, and I cured myself of food poisoning as soon as we got there, though I’m like ninety percent sure it wasn’t actually food poisoning, just normal poisoning. Also, wing changed.” he said, waving a now feathery wing. His other wing was still distinctly draconic, so shit was weird. “Pretty sure I’m actually an alicorn now, as well.”

“Well, fuck me sideways.”

“I’m sure Ruby, Celestia, or Bright Mind would be quite willing.” he said as a mare sketched his mark. He pulled off Luna’s mark from his arm, and right then I began questioning my sanity. At my look of disbelief he answered my unasked question, “Oh yeah, when I got mine, I enchanted it so it was removable. Didn’t you?”

“... I fucking want to smack something.” he grinned. As Celestia then presented her rear trollishly, to which I simply smacked her ass and kept my hand there to feel it jiggle. “Do you regret trolling me?”

“Nah, especially since this is all real. Luckily enough, flight is magic based, or I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to fly with these mismatched wings.”

“...I was talking to sunbuns, whose sunny buns I now grope.”

“And, I responded, under the impression that this shit was so unbelievable that you thought I made an elaborate illusion just to troll you, including physical sensations. The best part is, that’s true.” I snapped awake, Ruby shaking my shoulder, William, or Hades, still sitting with mismatched wings and an altered cutie mark.

Hades was looking at me on the floor, Celestia was blushing, and Ruby backed off slightly to give me room to get up. I flapped my wings, shooting towards Hades, who had just enough time to stand up before I punted him in the nuts, knocking him into the ceiling. He immediately healed his aching nuts as he floated back to the ground on his mismatched wings, glaring at me all the while.

“So… when did I fall asleep?” I asked, breaking the growing tension.

“Oh, right after you slapped Celestia’s ass. You kept talking while you were on the floor though, weird shit.” Hades answered. I ain’t ever going to get used to calling him that.

Luna then piped up, “We are fairly certain she enjoyed it.”

Everyone in the room but Celestia laughed, who only blushed harder the longer the laughter continued. “Don’t we need to head to Ponyville for the meet and greet?” She teleported a sickly looking bird in a golden cage into her hand. “I have an idea to troll Fluttershy, leaving Philomena here unattended with her while I entertain some other guests.”

I frowned thoughtfully, “Phoenix?”

“Phoenix.” she replied.

“Hey, that’s our thing!” Hades replied indignantly.

“Learn to share.” Celestia snarked. “Also, we’ll be taking chariots to Ponyville, so if you’re ready to go we should leave soon.”

As we all turned to leave, Hades turned to Luna, “You coming?” he asked.

“We need our rest. We fear that we were up much earlier than normal, so our sleep needs catching up on.” she replied, a slight frown on her face, disrupted by a yawn.

We headed out to the courtyard, where a chariot was waiting for us. I got as up close and personal with Celestia as I could, and Hades seemingly decided to just teleport there. Ruby hopped up after Hades left, groping my ass playfully as I did the same to Celestia.

She was silent as the guards flew us to Ponyville, me and Ruby basically playing grope conga line as I eventually heard Celestia grunt out, “Stop... p-please…” To which I relented and simply let my ass fill Ruby’s hands. She took her hands off of my ass as we neared Ponyville, and we set down just outside of Sugarcube Corner. Hades uncloaked from the nearby shadows, or maybe stepped from them, you never know with him, and waited by for us to land.

“Sup, Hades, how goes the killing of old people and the birthing of babies? I smirked before continuing, “Is your ‘livelihood’ making a ‘killing’ lately?”

“If you don’t stop with those puns, I’ll make you stop, and trust me, you won’t like that,” he replied, his voice taking on a dark undertone.

I frowned, “Jesus, what has you so on edge? Rarity talking shit again?”

“Worse. She was HITTING on me.” I gaped at him in horror. “Why the hell do you think I went invisible? Other than the constant bowing and scraping, I had to deal with the town’s deluded mare trying to hit me up.”

I frowned as I looked to Celly and Ruby. “Can I increase her taxes?”

Celly nodded, “Yes, but why?”

I frowned, “Because I hate that racist bitch, over half of those names on the list I showed you? They were from her. Most of the more offensive ones too.”

“Ah, that reminds me, I get a township or a city. What should I take though?” Hades remembered.

Celly smiled, “Manehattan is available. And it is Rarities biggest supplier of fashion materials. Not to mention a VERY taxable economy.”

Hades grinned, “You know, next time I’m in Canterlot, I’ll have to make that official. Tax all exports of fabrics and sewing related materials.” He laughed, “Maybe start a fishing economy, export to griffons and dragons, maybe other meat eating races. Tax exports, use them to promote other races coming to Manehattan, see if I can’t change it from how it is.”

I then laughed as the announcer came to us, a small little guy with the term midget applicable to him, bowed to us so fast he fell over. “My princes, princesses! It is an honor to meet you, may I introduce you?” We all nodded, and in a surprisingly deep and masculine voice for a guy so small, said, “Now announcing, Princess Celestia, Prince Hades, and Prince James!”

From inside the building we heard Rarity’s voice yell, “NOOOO CELESTIA! NOOO, CELESTIA PLEASE NO! NOO! NOO! NOOOOOOOO!”

“Does that count as insulting?” I asked Celestia.

She shook her head sadly, “Sadly it does not, since it could be directed at something else.” She strode in the door, with me right behind her, holding her hand. Hades seemed to be debating whether or not he should just leave, but I made the decision for him by grabbing him by the shoulder and dragging him inside.

Inside, Rarity was wearing an extremely fancy, glittering dress. The rest of the ponies in the room were wearing sensible clothing, but of course Rarity was wearing a dress that, if sold, could probably feed a starving African village. She was threatening anyone who got too close while carrying any manner of food item. We each sat down at the long table, and Fluttershy was just settling down, looking like she had sprinted here. Celestia set the gilded birdcage clearly in Fluttershy’s line of sight, waiting for her to take the bait.

As soon as Fluttershy began talking to Celestia about Philomena’s health, Celestia ‘randomly’ got a letter, requiring her presence at the city hall, to do her princessly duty. All the while, Hades was straight up ignoring Rarity, who was still trying to hit on him. Spike was looking on, hearts in his eyes, as Rarity essentially did the same thing as him. I took Spike to the side, and frowned as I tried to think of how to break this to him… eventually going for blunt as hell. “Rarity is using your crush on her for free labour.”

Spike looked to me angrily as I raised a brow, “She would never do that!”

“Hey Rarity, are you just leading Spike on to get free labor out of him, or do you actually like him?” Hades asked, having overheard our short conversation.

Rarity, thinking that Spike was out of earshot apparently, immediately replied, “Oh heavens no! Just think of the scandal that it would cause if I had relations with a DRAGON of all things. The little dear has his uses, but I’d never consider an actual relationship with him.”

“So you do lead him on in order to get free labor?” Hades asked to clarify, to which she nodded.

I looked to Spike, who had overheard everything, and walked with him to Rarity, “We heard and saw everything, bitch. Your free ride on the Spike Express labor train is OVER!”

Spike looked her square in the eyes and growled. “I never want to see you again, you are an absolutely horrible pony, and I NEVER want to see you again.”

As he left, I then took a cake slice nearby and ‘accidentally’ spilled it on her. “Oops.”

She immediately started cussing me out, but before she could get too into it I said something that shut her up. “You know, if you keep doing that, I’ll have to seize all of your assets and holdings, financial and material.” I said sweetly. I grinned as her face began turning more and more red, before she eventually let out a huff and stalked off.

“You gonna do it anyway?” Hades asked me, grinning.

“Why of course, good sir! I just love psychological torment!” I replied, grinning right back.

Twilight then walked up to us angrily, but much more reserved than Rarity. “Why did you ruin Rarity’s dress, James?”

I smiled at her calmly, “I have no idea what you mean, it was an absolute accident, and she started cussing me out, which is, by the way, a punishable offence. I WAS going to let her off with an increase in her taxes, but now, I WILL seize all her assets and holdings, both financial and material.” I smiled coldly at Rarity “Enjoy the poorhouse.” Before she could even reply, I cut her off to talk to Twilight some more. “Oh, and Twilight, Rarity was NEVER oblivious of Spike’s feelings, she was just using him, your basic son, as a source of FREE. LABOR.”

“So, anyways, Twilight, I was curious, have you ever heard about a cutie mark changing?” Hades asked out of left field, trying to diffuse the situation before people got arrested.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not possible,” she responded, picking up on his attempts to change the subject. They launched into a discussion about the changes to his mark, and Rarity backed away slowly, glaring at me all the while, until she ran ass-first into the wall, at which she turned and left haughtily.

I may have caused her clothes to come undone with my architect ability as she left. Judging by her screams, she was left publicly naked. I then shouted to the guards, “Seize that streaker!” At which they tackled Rarity into the dirt and arrested her. Other than Twilight, the rest of their group was now glaring at me, so I explained the situation to them. Rainbow, who I expected to be the most outspoken against it, didn’t speak up, so I assumed that Rarity had recently done something to her or against her.

Ruby then smiled as she held out her paw to Twilight, “It is an honor to meet you, Twilight, Celestia told me a lot about you. And don’t worry, all good things. I must say, that was quite the show. Really showed that racist bigot her just desserts.”

“I’m gonna go check on Fluttershy, see how the search for Philomena is going.” Hades said, and Twilight followed him, waving her goodbyes to her friends. I borrowed a set of guard armor, heading out to Fluttershy’s house with the other guy in tow as I tried to keep from bursting out laughing. I had slightly edited the enchantment on the armor to make me look like a pony, but otherwise left it alone.

Right when I was about to open the door, Twilight’s aura surrounded it, opening it quickly. She gasped upon seeing me and the other guard, the other guard saying, “We were informed that we could find Twilight Sparkle here.”

“We regret to inform you miss, but the royal pet has gone missing,” I said, nearly perfectly removing all inflection from my tone.

“Really, you don’t say…” Twilight said, obviously nervous. It was pretty hilarious watching her sweat, and William was just floating in the air above us, clearly knowing what I was up to, as he winked at me when I noticed him and held a finger to his lips. Philomena coughed, causing the basket in Fluttershy’s hands to bounce. At this, both Twilight and Fluttershy immediately started fake coughing, “It’s that dry night air,” Twilight wheezed in explanation.

“But it’s daytime…” Fluttershy corrected her.

“Yeah, it’s even drier,” she retorted, “Now you two had better be on your way, if you want to find the princesses pet, Philomena was it? Thank you ever so much for keeping me in the loop, byee!” she said as she pushed us out the door, magicking it shut in front of us. I could hear her hyperventilating, so I knocked on the door. The other guard just walked away, heading back to the chariot presumably.

“Twilight Sparkle, you have an infestation in your house, some hooligan left a bunch of snakes and spiders in the Golden Oaks Library. It is reported that a unicorn is trying to hybridize them.”

“OH SHIT! Fluttershy, screw the bird, we need to get those snakes and spiders out of my house!” she said, running out the door, followed closely by a bedraggled bird.

“And the princess was inquiring as to your job search! She recommends something entry level, like a Hayburger establishment!”

Twilight, her fat ass being WAAAY out of shape, was too busy running to talk as I willed a rock to trip Twilight, making her fall into a stream. It was fun being mean sometimes. She then screamed “The FUCK did that rock come from?!” Hades just teleported off somewhere, probably to the town square so that he could see what went down with Fluttershy chasing Philomena.

I then flew to town and smiled as I redressed in my normal clothes, as in my armor over a T-shirt and pants. I walked to the town square and pretended to be shocked and surprised at Philomena’s supremely theatrical death, to which Fluttershy started crying bloody murder.

Celestia then simply walked past Fluttershy and Twilight before kneeling down to Philomena's ashes and solemnly saying, “Oh Faust, why?! Why did Fluttershy have to kidnap you when all you needed was some of my magic?! I could have saved you! Why?!”

At this Fluttershy began crying harder and Twilight was pale as a sheet. Before she grinned, “Gotcha.” Celestia said, her grin widening at their shocked expressions. “Really Twilight, I expected you to know what a phoenix was.”

Twilight and Fluttershy's eyes twitched as they promptly proceeded to pass out.

Chapter 11

I groaned as we flew our way back to Canterlot and the Gala, having just finished with our extended diplomatic tour through not only Gryphonia, but Zebrica and Minosia as well! Damn nobles must’ve thought we’d be too tired from flying to all three to attend the Gala, but nope, fuck them, we can go all night. We had had an entire custom suite of clothing made for us on the ship, most of it being used during various meetings and balls held in our honor, with the side motive of introducing us to the various countries’ nobles. Hades had fit right in, moving through the different circles like a pro, but I only got along with the minotaurs, who were a simpler people that had clear-cut ideas of right and wrong.

We stepped off the new airship, airships having been a relatively recent invention, using a combination of the steam engine and pegasus magic to make a lighter than air vehicle. Hades was dressed in a chalky white tux with shimmering gold and purple accents, while I was wearing a much simpler standard black tux and faux leather dress shoes, similar to what I heard people would wear to prom. Hades insisted on an outfit that allowed him to fit in with the nobles, and from what I could garner, along with what he told me, he was planning on leading the nobles by example, which would likely work better with him than it would with me, since they were rather racist shitstains.

“Now announcing Prince Hades and Prince James!” a crier announced as we descended from the ramp. The courtyard that we landed in was more or less empty, making it more or less useless, but he did his job well at least.

I looked around as I wondered if Celestia was nearby, probably not, but I was definitely spending tonight with her. I really didn’t give a shit about these nobles who only cared about their own wealth and prominence. I waved to Hades and smiled, “I’m going to go to Celestia, see how she’s been. Wanna come with and see about Luna?”

“Yeah sure, if Luna’s not there, I’ll likely spend maybe half the night at the gala, then go to her rooms, see what she’s up to,” Hades responded, coming up next to me.

I nodded and led the way to the entry hall of the ballroom and smiled as I saw Celly and Twilight spending time together...as best they could, with the line of nobles demanding poor sunbuns attention. I then smiled evilly as I walked right over to Celestia, cutting by the line, before turning around and shouting, “Celestia proudly greets all of you, and now will be enjoying the festivities like any sane pony would want to, instead of standing in one spot and greeting hundreds of guests!” I bowed theatrically, offering my arm to Celestia, who gladly took it.

“Aww, but I wanted to spend time with the Princess…” Twilight said, looking sad at the new development.

I smiled back at her, “What are you talking about? Come on, Twily, the fun awaits! Nyeh!”

“My brother calls me Twily…” she muttered as she jogged to catch up. I barely heard it, and was now curious as to who her brother was.

I looked over towards Hades, who had been moving fluidly between different groups, and at the moment was purchasing an apple tart from Applejack. He munched on it and headed over towards the Wonderbolts, who were basically ignoring Rainbow Dash, who was trying her damnedest to get their attention. He spoke to them for a few minutes, and then my attention was grabbed by the orchestra beginning to play music.

I walked to the orchestra quickly when I noticed Pinkie Pie trying to get them to play more lively music. I looked to Celly and silently prayed for her to send help if this went south. “Hey, Pinks, you do know this isn’t the lively, wild kind of party, yeah?” I told her.

She frowned, “Huh? But… this is supposed to be the biggest party of the year, Rarity said so…” She then gasped, “She didn’t lie about that too, did she? Was she leading me on as well?!”

I grabbed her by the shoulders, “No, She was telling the truth, this is the biggest high society party of the year, which means snooty, uptight nobles and royalty the world over will be coming here. Basically, a social party rather than a party party.”

Spike then came into view and waved to Twilight before walking over to us, “Hey, Twilight, Princess, James, what should I do here? No one really wants to talk to me, and there aren’t any hors d’oeuvres worth noting for a dragon…”

I frowned as Pinkie Pie simply disappeared from sight, probably going to get spike some tasty dragon snacks, or something. “So...why don’t you chill with us? With you being way more generous than Rarity, I was wondering, what’s to stop you replacing her as the element of generosity?”

Celestia frowned thoughtfully as Spike answered with what I knew would be his go-to, “Well, I’m not a pony.”

I grinned, “I looked into the elements, They only require you to fulfill the trait in some way, and they grow in power the more of that trait you embody. And man, you are the most generous guy I know, you take all of life's punches and people’s jabs, and you still come out shining like a gem, you’re so generous with people, not in a materialistic way, sure, but in a forgiving and accepting way.”

Spike frowned thoughtfully, “Well… you sure you would be okay with a dragon protecting Equestria, Celestia?”

She nodded, “I trust you enough to be an assistant to the closest thing I have to a daughter, I already trust you more than enough to guard my people.”

Twilight was about to respond, when the crier called out again, “Now entering, The leaders of the Everfree Deer Nation, Mother Birch and Father Ash, as well as the ambassador of the Dragon Horde, Princess Ember!”

Spike turned toward the entryway and blushed as he saw a blue dragon with a thin, muscular frame and large, curved white horns on the side of her head. She was wearing a set of gold armor, which seemed primarily decorative in nature but could stand up in a fight.

Father Ash had trouble getting through the door as his antlers got in the way, then he turned sideways and made it through, he was wearing what looked like an armored toga of some sort, with metallic thread that seemed to be woven from the same odd metal I made Caengail from, I think it was called Eversteel? Anyway, I walked straight to Father Ash and Mother Birch and held out my hand to her, “Good to see you two! How is Aedan?”

Mother Birch, who was wearing the same kind of metallic toga, smiled to me, “He is getting anxious for a mission, he wants to show you your faith in him was not misplaced.”

I grinned and nodded “I am certain he will do an amazing job.”

“What’s this about ‘missions’ I hear?” Ember piped up, with Spike staring at her lustfully.

I walked between Spike and Ember before the poor guy could get literally crushed by his new crush, and smiled, “Oh, we are forming a task force to take out international level threats, sort of a dream team to take out big bads that the elements are not suitable for, y’know, ones that require combat training. Or a respawn ability in our case.”

“Our?” Ember asked curiously.

“Yes, ‘Our’,” said Hades from behind her. She jumped slightly, turning around rapidly to see him standing there with his arms crossed. “Yeah, so I’ve defused three disasters-waiting-to-happen, and I have no clue where Fluttershy is, but she should be fine on her own.”

“So what is this ‘respawn’ you speak of?” she asked, having cleared up who the other person I was talking about was.

“James, I’mma let you explain this one, I’m going to go see what Luna’s up to,” Hades said, nodding to the other rulers in our small group and teleporting out.

As Ember looked to me, I shrugged “Basically, we have regenerative immortality, if someone kills me,or Hades, we will literally spawn a new fully formed body wherever we want in the general vicinity, and have all our powers and possessions copied over to our new self. It also heals all wounds, so there’s that too.” Ember opened her mouth to say something, but I cut her off, “Before you ask, yes, death still hurts, in fact, it hurts a whole helluva lot. Like a brain freeze in your whole body.” She closed her mouth and a thoughtful look crossed her face.

“Would you mind if I joined your team?” Ember asked after nearly a minute of thinking.

I shrugged, “Not my decision alone, gotta ask Sunbuns and Hades if it’s ok, but hey, you got my vote.”

“I’m fine with her joining. Given the dragon’s legendary durability, she should make a fine addition to the team,” Celestia said.

Hades poked his head out of a shadow on the ceiling, “I couldn’t help but hear my name, I’m cool with it,” he said in a voice that oddly reminded me of a perverted old man, though he only used it for the first half of what he said.

I grinned to Ember, “Cool, we have four of six now.”

“Six?” Celestia and Ember both asked at the same time.

I nodded as I gestured for Ember and Celestia to follow me to a table, using my powers to form the table into twelve pedestals, six white, six black, “I was thinking we should set ourselves up as a task force made to take care of international threats, as I have before mentioned, but there is one problem, we have a guy who can heal us if we get hurt, Aedan, we have someone who can take a pummelling and keep hitting back, Ember, me, a pure damage based fighter who gives no shits for his safety, and Hades, a combat/support mage, we need a medical professional, a field medic who doesn’t depend on magic, but potions, in case we get stuck somewhere where we can’t use magic, and we need someone who can both weaken enemies and strengthen us so as to make fighting easier. Finally, we need a second damage dealer, as one won’t cut it if we get seperated.”

“Huh, so a balanced team? This could work.” Ember said as she nodded slowly, “I could see it working well,”

I then noticed a certain grey and blonde pegasus mare flying towards Applejack from outside, and smiled as she gave Applejack a letter, who promptly did a spit-take as she finished reading it and glared straight at me. I grinned and took a small bow in her direction before she relented, smiling, and tilted her stetson towards me in an appreciative manner.

Right as I was about to go to Applejack, I heard what could only be a certain alabaster bitch’s whiny voice. “What?! I’ve been deposed as an element of Harmony?! How does one even do that?!”

I turned to my colleagues and smiled politely, nodding at them, “One moment please.”

I then made my way to Rarity with a large smile, to which she grunted, “And what do you want? I have nothing left for you to take from me, or have you forgotten what you have done to me?”

I smiled, “Oh really? Well, I could ruin your dress by accident and humiliate you in your last chance to get help from nobility, or, I could let slip to my lover Celestia the horrible things you said about me, see how her uber-protective majesty takes it.”

Rarity flinched in response, turning up her nose and walking away without another word. I turned and walked back to Celestia and Ember, asking, “Now, where were we?”

Celestia smiled, “Well, I think we have set up quite the adventuring party so far, but… and I apologize to everyone here for my selfishness, would you mind having a quick dance with me, James?”

I grinned mischievously, “Oh? My sunny bunned beloved desires to dance? Whatever for? Does she crave my hands holding her?”

Celestia smiled as well, and leaned in before whispering in my ear, “Keep this up, and you might share quarters with me tonight.”

Now, at this, I definitely felt my face flush, and very little flusters me, but the thought of actually getting to spend intimate time with one of the girls I love? Definitely got my face red. “S-sure!” I stuttered, causing Celestia to chuckle at my reaction.

Ember grinned at me knowingly, “Oho, it seems that you can dish out the flirting, but taking it sends you reeling.”

I grunted in embarrassment as I walked with Celestia to the dance floor, only to find that the usual symphony had left and been replaced by none other than Yog’rizzicth, who bowed to the crowd before beginning to play several instruments at once using his magic. The music was beautiful as I danced with her and just simply enjoyed the moment.

Celestia smiled at me, “You really should relax, Nothing bad is going to happen here, I’m certain of that.”

I smiled nervously, “I would, but I’ve actually never danced before, I am doing my absolute best not to step on you.”

Celestia chuckled, “Well, that explains why you are holding my rear and not my back.”

I blushed, “Y-yeah.” The clock struck twelve, and nobles started filing out of the ballroom. Celestia told me goodnight and returned to her chambers, and I said goodnight to Ember and Mother Birch. They were staying the night and returning to their respective nations in the morning. I headed to my room in Celestia’s wing of the castle, and assumed that Hades was either still talking to Luna or had returned to his room in Luna’s wing. I flopped down onto my bed after stripping off my clothes and promptly fell asleep.