Post-Apocalyptia

by Doctor Disco

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1382

A reckless narrator, a careless Twilight, and the foretold apocalypse walk into a bar.

A reckless narrator, a careless Twilight, and the foretold apocalypse walk into a bar.

Where the heck is the punchline?

Please read the whole story in the voice of the narrator from the Stanley Parable, as it makes it that much more amazing. Thank you.

As always, I would like to thank my editors: Doctor, Disco, Doctor Disco, and incompetence.

Adieu.

Published 2018-08-16 01:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-16 01:20:01 UTC

why did I write this

Author's Note

As the chapter title suggests, this is a ridiculous one-shot I wrote to get out of my funk, so don't expect quality (unless you mean quality trash, in which case this is what you are looking for.)

Also, some Spike bashing (I love you Famous, I have nothing against Spike) because it's fun, and Narrator-Interaction. And despite the story title, this has nothing to do with Fallout.

Now you may continue.

why did I write this

Twilight Sparkle was, indeed, a very bookish mare. She could spend hours reading and re-reading the same book just to get something different each time, or read a million different books looking for one tiny detail to complete her next bible of information. After all, one could never compile too much knowledge into one tome. Thus, she had enchanted all of her works-in-progress just so that each time she updated them, the same could be said for the thousands of retail copies out there.

Spike, of course, worked overtime, all the time, with no pay. What a good little slave we are, aren’t we, Spike?

“Go to hell, Narrator!”

Ah yes, the innocence of children.

“I’m 13!”

The first step to acceptance is denial, Spike. Do remember that.

In any case, none of the above has anything to do with the actual story itself. Or maybe it does. I won’t let my own wanderings distract you from the content of what I wish to tell. Here we go! Here comes Rainbow Dash, dashing in, as one might say (ha-ha, I am funny!), with a frantic look on her face.

“Twilight!” Rainbow so desperately called. “Twilight, please, where are you?”

Spike, maybe you should answer that. Grumbling, the dragon in question did so. “What is it, Rainbow?”

Huffing like she was having an asthma attack, Rainbow jabbed a hoof to the town outside and yelled “The sky! The sky has turned red! Tirek has returned, Tirek! And Fluttershy and Discord… they’ve- they’ve disappeared! Rarity’s going crazy, and I don’t even want to talk about Pinkie!”

Spike stared at Rainbow with as much incredulity as a baby dragon could muster. Frankly, it didn’t matter, because apparently Rainbow Dash was having an asthma attack, and dropped dead on the spot.

“The world ending?” Spike asked, rolling his eyes as a fireball exploded the ground in front of the castle. “Puh-lease.”

Ah, Spike, you useless lizard. Never change. Now, be a dear and clean up Rainbow’s corpse, would you?

Spike scowled into the unforgiving abyss that was a shadow. “You don’t tell me what to do. Only Twilight can do that.”

Ah, but there’s the catch! Ahem— Twilight Sparkle frowned, looking up from her study table as she stared Spike down. “Spike, do what the narrator says.” Focusing back on her work, Twilight completely failed to notice the fact that Rainbow Dash was, in fact, dead. Grumbling profusely, Spike huffed and huffed before yelling and spitting bright emerald flames from his mouth, fully encasing Rainbow Dash.

In the aftermath of his dragonbreath, he was too busy staring at the spot where Rainbow Dash once was to notice the green wisps escaping towards the direction of Canterlot.

Spike, I said clean it up, not burn her to ashes!

Spike growled and punched the wooden ground before shaking his hand and squealing like the baby he was. “I. Hate. You!”

Twilight could hate me. My friends could hate me. The reader could hate me. You’re not special, Spike. Moving on, and I do mean moving on, Twilight felt a grumble in her stomach and sighed. Knowing for herself the incompetence of Spike when he was in a disagreeable mood, she stood up, bringing her book with her, and trod out the castle. “Spike, lock up for me, will you? I don’t want another case of angry fangirls storming through my castle.”

“Will do, Twilight,” Spike sighed, defeated. Good, good, let the hate flow through you!

“Narrator, be nice.” Okay, okay, fine. I will be, Twilight. For the next couple sentences at least. Not like we’ll be returning to Spike in the narrative soon. He does nothing but mess things up. I mean, do you see the sky right now? It’s blood-red! The sky isn’t normally blood-red! And the clouds, I mean, seriously? Who’s idea was it to turn the clouds purple? Why would you do that? Unless Discord is running rampant again, but I already know Fluttershy’s enough to handle for Discord, let alone ruling the world again.

Speaking of Fluttershy, there she is right now, running towards Twilight with a frantic look on her face. Not only that, but she is actually running away from another blazing fireball that just barely nicks her tail and explodes upon impact, throwing Fluttershy straight to Twilight’s hooves.

“Oh, hey Fluttershy! How’s the cottage doing?”

“F-f-fine, Twilight,” Fluttershy whimpered. “B-but right now, Discord was helping me to escape from the clutches of-”

“That’s great, Fluttershy,” Twilight said, not looking up from her book at all, “Glad to hear it. Well, I best be off. Good luck with Angel!” As Twilight trotted away, Fluttershy nodded slowly, eyes now shut tight as she hugged her mane as tightly as she could.

Okay, so maybe it’s time take things into my own hands (or hooves, as it were). Twilight slowly looked around as she realised something- “Hey, Hayburger is closed! What gives?” Twilight pouted, frowning at the establishment. Twilight carefully examined the building, noting the burning holes in the roof and the dead cashier, and- “Looks like they’re out for lunch. Hm, that’s strange. Oh well, I’ll just go to ~~Rarity’s~~ Sugarcube Corner. She always has something ready.”

Twilight, Twilight. Are you serious? You’re not even noticing that there are dead ponies at Hayburger? Or that the sky is red, the clouds are purple, and hell is falling from the sky?

Twilight whistled on, oblivious to the world- Oh my frigging gods, Twilight, listen to me! The world you know is ending! You must make the choice now, to help your surviving friends or let the world fall to runi?!?! Speaking of, where the hell is Celestia-

“Ahem.”

Oh, fine. Where the hell is Princess Celestia? Wasn’t Rainbow’s dead body being transported right in front of her not enough incentive for her to come to Ponyville? Oh wait, there comes some wispy green smoke. Too bad Spike isn’t here to belch it up. Materialising in front of Twilight, a short message was contained therein.

Twilight,

I have with me Rainbow Dash and am now arguing with Luna on the best way to bury such a noble and true spirit of Loyalty-

Twilight threw the message behind her, shrugging and heading off to Sugarcube Corner. HEY! The readers never got to finish the message! And you’re supposed to be heading to Carousel Boutique, not Sugarcube Corner! What?!?!?

“Cupcakes are good,” Twilight remarked. Well, good for you Twilight, I hope you’re happy. Cupcakes are good, alright, especially when the world is burning around you, your castle just collapsed from the sheer amount of hellfire it’s already received, and half your friends are dead.

“All my friends are dead, all my friends are-” Really, Twilight? Right now? Seriously? I have half a mind with you, Twilight, and I swear I’ll just let the story kill you-

“Hey Pinkie, what’s up?”

“Oh nothing much, the world is ending and business has never been this bad, but y’know the deal. I’ve lived enough AU’s on my own for this to be nothing but commonplace.”

Twilight quirked her head in confusion, the careless OOC bookhorse she is. “What are you talking about?”

Pinkie widened her eyes and nodded quickly. “Right, right, circumstantial fourth-wall-breaking. My bad. Narrator, please help.”

...Sigh. Alright, Pinkie. Twilight nodded blankly and looked at the selection Pinkie always offered. “Alright, Pinkie, I’ll add that to the list of ‘Pinkie Things I’ll Never Understand’. Now, uh, may I get a couple of your sugar quills and maybe some glaze croissants to go?”

Pinkie smiled widely, dinging the register gleefully. “Coming right up! Anything else before we perform the ultimate final battle against Mothra and Godzilla?”

Twilight blinked and smiled. “No need. All we need is ligma.”

Pinkie tilted her head. "What's ligma?"

Twilight smiled.