The Principles Of Being A Draconequus
Time for an intervention? Or an inversion?
"A special party? For me?! Well, I know I deserve one, obviously, in fact I deserve many, but this is still such a wonderful surprise! And it's not even my birthday yet..." Discord sounded quite excited, as he approached Fluttershy's cottage sporting a serpentine grin that nearly extended the entire length of his face.
"What? You have a birthda... wait, what am I saying? Of course you do! And I've known you for years, without even enquiring when it might be!" The pegasus owner of the picturesque dwelling commented guiltily, as she ambled alongside her draconequus friend. "You'll have to tell me when it is, so I can try to make up for all of the ones you've missed out on."
"Hmm... are you absolutely sure about that, my dear?" Discord abruptly stopped in his tracks momentarily, before a whole host of graphs, charts and abacuses appeared around him on which he began doing complex calculations at light speed. "I was born so many millenia ago, it might take me a while to figure out the exact date. Plus, you'd have to buy me thousands of gifts in compensation, Pinkie Pie would collapse with exhaustion at the size of the cake she'd have to bake with all the candles, all my friends from alternate universes would come here to help me celebrate, and believe me... some of them can get a little rowdy. If you know what I'm saying."
"U-Um, yes..." Fluttershy began to picture the Smooze's disruptive appearance at the Grand Galloping Gala a while back, and decided that multiplying that by a hundredfold was possibly not the best decision. "Perhaps we'll better take a rain check on that idea for now."
"Rain, you say?" Discord stopped his many claws and hooves from working overtime long enough to extend his neck high above the skyline. "I don't see anything at all, except a cross-eyed mare flying in circles and a bunch of boring white puffy things that are most definitely not made from cotton candy. Oh, I remember when this town had a lot more colour to it. Now, what was that 'thing' I used to do...?"
"W-Well, that's not important right now..." Fluttershy knew better than to remind Discord of his 'glory' days, since the sneaky Draconequus still seemed at times to play quite fast and loose with his supposed 'redemption'. "What you should know though, is that a whole bunch of your recent acquaintances that probably won't cause my cottage to turn into gingerbread or fall into a black hole are here, just to see you. So, are you ready to say hello?"
"Oh, goodie, a captive audience! As opposed to just being my captives, as was my usual method when I wanted to make new 'friends'." Discord sniggered slightly at his joke, before beginning to make some ambitious plans there and then. "This might be the first chance I get to relaunch my old fan club! I know numbers dwindled, or even fell off a cliff, during that whole 'turn Ponyville into the chaos capital of Equestria' misunderstanding. But I have a feeling in my water the time is right to begin manufacturing some tacky Discord merchandise again, exclusive only for members naturally! And every lucky Discordite that signs up within the first thirty days gets a free, I say free, special personalised business card with my charming visage on it! Take a look at it, didn't I look ravishing in my fireside photoshoot? That's yours to keep, that is!"
"E-Er yes, very nice..." Fluttershy visibly sweated as she quickly stowed the laminated item safely in the back of her saddlebag. "I hope that all works out! In the meantime though, everypony is waiting inside and probably getting impatient for us to arrive. You don't want me to get a reputation as a bad hostess, do you?"
Discord halted his grandiose self-gratification to glance at a pleading Fluttershy in the eye, before visibly deflating like a balloon. "You're absolutely right my dear, I'm being intolerably selfish. After all, these ponies are here for me, and it would be most rude to forcibly subject them to the moody administrations of your harebrained long-eared pet for any longer than necessary, not to mention the pervasive stench of animal dung which lingers around the rafters like a bad smell. Because that's exactly what it is. But if you like that kind of thing, I suppose it's ideal."
"Hey, wait a second! What about your house, with all the upside-down furniture and talking bowls of fruit? Also, at least my cottage is in a convenient dimension! They're still looking for the postpony who delivered that invite to the gala for you. Have you even looked at any cartons of milk recently?" Fluttershy was most put out by Discord's unflattering description of her lifestyle, and attempted to challenge him on it.
"Well no-one's perfect, I suppose. To each their own." Discord said with a shrug, as he shrunk to the size and shape of his pegasus friend's house key before turning himself in the lock. "...And I fully co-operated with all aspects of that enquiry, with no evidence of foul play being found. Anyway, I don't have time to argue now: my public awaits. Ta da everypony, your hero is here! Please don't all stampede at once. I'm not as well-built as I look, in fact I'm always going to 'pieces'..."
As the eager draconequus flung the door open into the much-more-crowded than expected front room though, a couple of things quickly became apparent. The first was that, judging by the obnoxious sound of crickets chirping away in the background, the assembled masses of young and old alike didn't find his callback gag particularly amusing. The second was the fact that, going by their cross expressions and folded hooves/arms etc, they weren't here to celebrate the life of the 'One And Only' Discord.
"What's up with everypony? Where are the cheers? The laughter? The unmitigated adulation?!" The confused draconequus was finding it quite hard to fathom what was happening, as a great big wall of glum stared back at him. "Fluttershy, are you sure you invited the right guests? These look more like the invitees for the 'Let's Burn Discord At The Stake' gathering than the 'Let's Bake Discord A Giant Cake' jamboree. Let's go outside again and look for the actual partygoers, if we're lucky they may still be wandering around, with their banners and flags and cosplays..."
"E-Erm actually Discord..." It was this point Fluttershy began gazing at the floor nervously, whilst scratching the wooden planks with her right forehoof. "There is no mistake, these are the ponies and assorted other species who wanted to talk to you. You see, I might have kinda, sorta, just a teensy bit, invited you here under false pretences. Please don't get mad at me, she said you'd never have come otherwise, and it was for your own good."
" 'She'? Well, at least we know the gender of the villain who dared manipulate my dearest Fluttershy, and sent me on this wild Breezie chase when I could've been dirtying my dishes this evening!" Discord muttered in anger as he began scanning the room again, hoping to pick out a possible culprit. "Whoever you are, if you step forward now you'd be saving yourself a lot of unnecessary anguish in the long run. Confess, and I may just turn you into a delicious Zap apple for all of eternity. Fail to do so, and you'll be the long wriggly pink thing that lives inside instead. So, which is it to be?"
"It was me, Discord! After hearing what you got up to while me and my friends were away on your bogus Cutie Map mission, I felt I had no choice but to get everypony together to talk to you directly ourselves! Now you're here, you're not going anywhere until we get some answers! So get comfortable, because a few individuals wish to have their say, and I think you need to hear them."
"Ah, Princess Twilight Sparkle. The one who's fan club membership total I shall soon surpass, and the biggest royal stick-in-the-mud ever." Discord rolled his eyes (quite literally, for they were tossed like dice in his claw) as the resolute alicorn stepped forward. "How could I not figure it out sooner? Anypony else would've been grateful I organised a fantastic globetrotting fun run for them, but you always have to find the cloud in every silver lining, don't you? Well, apologies for having to depart this charming soiree prematurely and permanently, but I fear my sensitive ears will suffer irreparable damage if I tarry any longer any more moaning. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen and all that jazz. Gosh, I loathe that song."
But as Discord tried to blink back to his topsy-turvy home as usual, it was much to his chagrin he found himself still being stared down by the same throng of malcontents from before. "Huh? What gives? Has my magic gone cuckoo once more? Perhaps I should bring forward my regular appointment with the Chaos Doctor by a century or two..."
"I placed a temporary spell on Fluttershy's cottage and the surrounding area, so you can't just skip town like you usually do in the event of a 'crisis'." Twilight explained, as Discord attempted in vain to escape this extremely awkward situation. "...And that includes your 'spirit' as well, so don't attempt to separate that from your physical being or you'd only be wasting your time. Yes, I heard about that from Starlight too when you called her 'incompetent' and 'power hungry', along with many other things that happened around the school, and I have just one question to ask: What in Tartarus is the matter with you?!"
Realising he wasn't going anywhere for a while, and still surrounded by multitudes of angry eyes, the usually ice-cool Discord began visibly paling a little. Well in truth, he was painting himself that colour. Eggshell White, if you must know. "I-I..."
"You gave me the sneezes, and almost set the entire school on fire! I don't appreciate the possibly of seeing the word 'arsonist' on my permanent record, thank you! " Smoulder kicked things off, remembering the inconvenient location of a certain tree in the classroom.
"You turn Yona into a crazed wrecking ball, and almost get her impaled on a Bugbear stinger! You bad hybrid! " Yona did not seem best pleased at almost being severely agitated and badly injured in the same day.
"You messed up Trixie's big teaching debut! Trixie wants vengeance! You must pay dearly for this diabolical act of sabotage! But, er... could you teach me how you did that thing with the Ursa Major, please?" Trixie also had a few complaints, but also a favour to ask.
"You distracted me with an exhilarating trip underground where I saw jadeite, taaffeite and alexandrite together, all so I wouldn't get to my lesson in time. Boo." Maud didn't seem too displeased, in a scene that hadn't quite make the final cut.
"Haunted paintings and possessed armour chasing us around the corridor!" cried a few other voices.
"You ruined our scavenger hunt!" was a related grievance.
"Disgusting limburger cheese everywhere!" Spike was especially unhappy with that last one.
"You owe us money!" Iron Will and Cranky Doodle had been hired to teach, but their cheques had bounced. Yes, literally. Boing boing. This is Discord we're talking about here, after all.
"I-I...uh...that is to say..." Faced with this unprecedented backlash to his dubious education methods, Discord struggled to find a right to reply, especially as he was beginning to gasp feel a bit guilty himself on hearing these impact statements. "W-Well I can't have been that awful. You were just about to make me vice principal, before you-know-who showed up again about a week before schedule. Why couldn't you have got lost for a bit longer, as was my original plan?"
Starlight sighed in annoyance, as she spoke for the first time in that cramped room. "Discord, you're completing missing the point here! Do you really think I'd have given you that position if I knew what you'd been up to from the very beginning? It might've been wrong of me and my friends not to invite you to the opening of the school, but if you really wanted to 'help out' as you claim, you'd wait for a genuine emergency to unfold instead of manufacturing one yourself! You caused an awful lot of inconvenience for us the past few days, but I believe me and Twilight have figured out a solution. First, do you have something to say yourself?"
Despite his current state of disconcertedness, Discord racked his ailing brain to uncover just what this ubiquitous thing he was expected to speak might be. It's a stitch-up? I want a lawyer present? Fluttershy, will you do me the distinct honour of being my... No, this is neither the time or the place for that.
"Here's a clue..." Spike saw that his friend was struggling a little, and decided to help him out. "Remember when you wanted to play Ogres And Oubliettes with me and Big Mac again, after you put our lives in danger by making it all-too-real? What was that one simple magic word you said which made it all better? Come on now, I know you can remember!"
What's the little lizard rambling on about now? Discord thought, rather discourteously. Abracadabra? Hey Presto? 42? Oh silly me, that's a magic number, not word. Wait a second...
"S-S-S..." The stuttering draconequus knew he could do this right, since he'd been practicing in front of a mirror and everything. "Siri? Surrey? Sherry? Sore... reed..."
Realising they were going to be here all night if they waited for him to use the correct pronunciation, and knowing that some of their students had to get up early for school in the morning, Twilight and Starlight looked at each other with a satisfied nod. "Close enough. Alright everypony, let's leave Fluttershy in peace with her animals. I think Discord gets the message, and won't try to mess with our curriculum again without prior permission. Does everypony feel happier now?"
A shrill chorus of 'yes' was heard from around the swiftly emptying cottage, indicating that indeed, the air had been cleared, things had been patched up and Discord had managed to use his innate charm and charisma to once again escape serious repercussions for his borderline sociopathy...
...Or at least, that's what he thought.
"And just where do you think you're going?" Twilight asked the draconequus as he attempted to return to the relative sanctity of limbo.
"Erm... I'll be off, too." Discord wondered why his spell to get home still wasn't working. "Didn't you say my public flogging was over? I have to feed my pet mouse. To my cat, I mean. Then I'm feeding her to my dog, then my dog to the..."
"Not yet, you're not. I'm afraid in this case, an apology is just the first step in your retribution." Twilight shook her head lightly, before trying to explain further. "We've had more than a few setbacks in your 'redemption' of late, and are now beginning to wonder if a small refresher course isn't necessary to put you back on the path to righteousness. A reminder of what the fundamental principles of friendship are about, if you like."
"Refresher... course? Clearly I must've missed something between when you opened your mouth there and when you blessedly shut it." Discord whacked his head so a moderate amount of wax fell out, with which he began to sculpture a very lifelike impression of his handsome physique. "Could you actually make, you know, the slightest bit of sense?"
Frowning a little at the draconequus's condescending tone, Twilight got right to the point. "Basically, we've had three new young promising members of staff join us recently that we've been looking to find a useful purpose for, and that's proven to be quite difficult. Until now, that is. Discord, welcome to your new Friendship Counsellors who'll hopefully be able to curb some of your more destructive traits, and will be working alongside Fluttershy to give you the encouragement you need to make the right life choices. Please get ready to meet..."
Upon hearing three telltale chattery voices approach him, Discord nearly turned himself inside out in sheer panic. He began gibbering endlessly like a loony tune. He was a nervous wreck, destroyed internally, completely beside himself with fear...
But nothing, nothing at all, could save him from his awful, ignominious fate.
"Howdy, I'm Apple Bloom!"
"Hi, I'm Sweetie Belle!"
"Yo, I'm Scootaloo! But you can call me Miss Scoots."
"And together we are... your Cutie Friendship Counsellors!!"
"No! Please, no! Change me back into stone! Strip me of all my powers and lock me up like Tirek! Wipe me out of existence forever! Anything but this! NNNOO!"
Author's Note
Here's a little after episode treat for you. Let me know what you think, I'm off spelunking. Bye for now... 
