It was an ordinary, average day in Equestria. The birds were singing, the fish were swimming, and Applejack still breaking the right leg of anypony who brought bananas into Ponyville. So to sum it up, it was a completely unremarkable yet ordinary day. Until Celestia declared war against the griffins, that is.
“Dear Sister,” Luna said to her sister, who seemingly screamed out to the open and empty throne room. “You realize that declaring war requires more than proclaiming very loudly, correct?”
“Wait, really?” Celestia asked. “That explains why nobody’s been trying to fight Equestria for years. Huh. Well, what do we need to do to declare war?”
“A bunch of paperwork and stuff,” Luna replied. “Or, you could just bomb ponies and commit war crimes.”
“War crimes?”
“Crimes, that happen during war. War Crimes.”
“And what happens if you commit war crimes?” Celestia asked her sister.
“We do not know. There is likely a war prison. Or something. Then you become a prisoner of war. In war prison.”
“Ooohh,” Celestia said. “Well War prison sounds terrible. Forget that. Who was I trying to declare war against again?”
“The griffons.”
“Why?”
“We also do not know. We were simply telling you that the package from Yak-yakistan was going to be delayed for several weeks.”
“Oh. Well that’s it? What was the package?”
“Cakes from Yak-Yakistan.”
“I DECLARE WAR ON THE POSTAL SERVICE!”
Luna sighed and placed a hoof to her head. Clearly this wasn’t working.
“Sometimes I swear that you were dropped as a filly.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
Luna turned her sultry eyes to the head of her private guard.
“Captain. I am pleased that no part of thee fails to stand at attention.”
“But Miss, I’ve been castrated since I’ve joined the royal guard. It’s standard entry for all guards. Even the ones who aren’t allowed to join the royal guard.”
“Dear sweet.. Not-My-Sister, that’s a lot of castration. There must be dicks for days.”
“Daaaysss” Celestia mimicked. “Hey, Luna. Ask me what we do with them after. Ask me! Ask me!”
Luna blinked. There were things she never thought she would hear her sister ever say. And now there was this. The sheer disbelief that overwhelmed her senses and suddenly reminded her of why the Moon might not be so bad after all.
“I’m going to ignore you said anything,” Luna said.
“It’s not rainbows, if you need a hint,” the Sun Princess added.
“Are they dildos?”
Celestia’s eyes dilated and her ears curled back.
“That… is a really good idea. I should have thought of that. Guards!”
Three armor clad stallions immediately appeared in front of Celestia, hooves held high at attention.
“Cancel Spaghetti Thursdays!”
Meanwhile, like a thousand years ago.
“TBH, This isn’t so bad,” Luna said, sitting with a wry smile on the moon.
Meanwhile, somewhere else.
Deep within the Everfree Forest dwelled the sprawling stone fortress Castrum de Duae Sorores, the seat of the Equestrian diarchy.
A pegasus approached, a dusky cerulean besmirchment upon the twilight sky. Her wings folded, and she swooped hard and fast, sailing past the panicked guards holding watch in front of the keep. Her trajectory was flat, her guidance was ballistic.
Two tall doors hewn from rough oak and banded by blackened steel barred entry to the castle, their indomitable presence a silent decree that none should pass nor prevail against their brutish bulk.
Athon simply smashed into them head-first, sending their ponderous mass groaning open upon oiled hinges. She shook her head briefly, as such a crushing blow would certainly leave her with a mild headache the next morning.
Much to the dismay of the night watch, Athon marched into the castle. She drew a deep breath, and bellowed thusly,
“I CAME!”
“I SAW!”
“I CONQUERED!”
She looked around, savoring the expressions of atavistic surprise and terror from those trapped within the great hall.
“AND THEN I CAME AGAIN!” she shouted, devolving swiftly through giggling, snorting, and all-out braying laughter.
To the untrained eye, it would appear that Athon had been drinking.
Those more accustomed to Athon simply knew this as the natural state of affairs.
She recounted her tale to Luna - a drunken orgy of mishmashed words that painted an image of her after-action report like a Jackson Pollock painting.
So I was tied to a chair. Pretty sturdy one. Really thick ropes. They kept beating my face, shouting about the Hoof of Argagon or whoever that fancy fuck wizard was The one that got turned into a statue.
I couldn’t stop laughing to myself. That just got em mad.
I suppose I was putting on a good show for them. They’d beat my face, and I’d moan. I got kicked in the haunches, and it just made it worse. I was breathing hard with my eyes rolled back up in my head. Every few minutes, they screamed about the Hoof. Where’s the fucking Hoof?
Well, not just the hoof, you see. Whole chunk of his foreleg, right up to the knee. Turned to blackened stone. I kept laughing when they demanded it.
It was my key outta there, and those poor dumb bastards didn’t know what was about to hit em.
My breathing was shallow and all I could put out was a husky moan. And that’s when it happened. Lightning shot up my spine and I howled. Every muscle in my body contracted, and I stood upright on two hooves, the chair be damned. My arse snapped it like a twig.
I screamed one last time, and i watched the look on every one of their faces.
There was a slick sliding sound, and a clank of obsidian on stone. The Hoof of Argagon lay between my legs.
It glistened.
Oh, and i was free from the chair. Think i mentioned that. Poor dumb bastards didn’t realize it until I picked up that leg with my teeth, and started bashing some faces in. My party now.
I was still trapped in there when the second wave of em came in. Some no-shit serious business unicorn mage. He's a younger one, the unicorn that just burst into the room with the leather clad troop of guards. Bloody cultists. I can see him readying a spell, and the look in his eyes tells me what it's going to do when it connects.
I'm laughing inside, under a veneer of shock and pleading; rearing my hindquarters up and bringing my hooves down in a show of surprise that does well to bolster their confidence. My hind legs tighten like springs, bearing the mass of my barrel against my spine and hips as I play out my quick panicked dance.
I know how long it will take to cast that spell of his. Same way I got used to dodging the electric shocks from my pal Clover when I stepped on her nerves a bit much. Still think about her sometimes. Great wizard she's gonna be someday. Always trying to impress Celestia.
It's around this time I've shot across the room with one great kick of my legs and a skewed snap of my wings. I can see him trying to hold back his spell, saving his magic for the fight he thinks he's gonna win. Poor sodding bastard.
I'm upside down now, squeezing my neck through his legs as I hit the ground skidding. One leg hooks around his neck like a shepherd’s crook, and my knee bashes into his face, training that glowing horn of his against the far wall.
I'm under his hindquarters now - a position I quite fancy on any occasion not ruined by cultists and long dead wizards. I snap my neck forward and up, and a meeting of the minds ensues between my thick skull and whatever passes for this poor dumb bastard’s bollocks.
There's a hole in the wall now - sizzling around the edges where the castle stone simply ceased to be.
My hole now. I’m proud of my holes. I’m giggling as I scoop up the petrified limb of the third most powerful sorcerer in living memory and bolt outside, leaving these battered bloody bruised bollocks bastards behind me.
I sailed into the sky, leaving behind a castle of screams and drawn-out moans. That’s my kind of party. There’s one that made it out, though. I can hear the rage frothing from his lips as he beats the air with blackened wings, plowing through the humid mist like a mythic beast squashed down into the general shape of a pegasus. I dive through the trees as he gives chase. A few branches collide with my skull, but I emerge victorious and grinning. I can hear the low thrumm of my pursuers breath as he grunts with every enraged sweep of his broad wings.
I can only imagine what that will sound like when he reaches me.
He is relentless. I dive to the ground, feeling the fronds tickle my belly and slap at.. Ohhhoh.. Yess. more of that. He better hurry up or i’m going to be finished without him.
I can hear him chomping, inches away from my tail. He didn't bring a weapon, so i figure he’s going to grapple me. I aim for the stoutest tree I can find, flip, land, and kick off. My head bashes into his, sending us both tumbling to the forest floor.
We split and enter our stances. He’s a feisty one. I don’t give him a chance to charge. I simply step forward, swing my head, and bash it against his withers. I feel his teeth rip hair from my back, and I bounce on my forelegs, smashing my head against his neck.
He stumbles. I spin and kick, sweeping him off his feet. I take a hoof to the face, but teeth probably grow back, i think. He’s bigger than Celestia herself, rippling with muscle and bulging obscenely in all the right places. Red hair streams from his mane like the corona of the sun. I dive and smash into him again, smacking his head against a rock. That’s got him stunned. Now’d be the time i’d make my escape. Least that’s how i’ll tell it to Luna when I get back. But when it comes to fighting, flying, feeding, and fucking.. I’m a mare that takes my Four F’s very seriously.
I crawl up onto him, our hearts hammering inches away, but miles apart. He regains consciousness long enough to look into my eyes.
“Yeh, You’ll do.”
Luna interrupts my reverie.
“And.. that’s how you’ll tell Luna, when you get back?” the Diarch of the Night queries.
Oh. Shit.
“Did I say that out loud?”
“Indeed.”
“Well, okay. That’ll help explain somethin’ that mighta been hard to explain otherwise”
“And what would that be?” my Princess inquires.
“Ahhh. About a half gallon of spunk thats leaked onto your chair since i sat down. Sorry bout that yer Lunacy. Shit! I mean Yer Highnyness”
Luna blinks, shaking her head ever so slightly.
“Tis a fair trade, to ensure our adversary remains in twain.”
“Eeh, he was a nice pegasus once i got to know him. Bloody cultists never seen a mare since they join. Uhh.. judging by the puddle i’m in, I must’ve broken a dry spell that pre-dates those.. Uh.. things with the words in em. Books, yeah. Those was ‘vented a while ‘go, right?”
Meanwhile, about 1000 years later.
“I kinda miss the moon, to be honest,” Luna said sadly, sitting beside her sister.
“I love spaghetti thursday!” Celestia exclaimed.
Meanwhile, in a part of Equestria people care about
Princess Twilight was rubbing her eyes and trotting down the crystal stairs of her castle. Which weren’t slippery for some reason. Like, have you ever actually touched crystallized rock? It’s slick as hell. Especially if its polished. Like, I don’t understand how this castle was even remotely a good idea. Seriously. Other than the windows, how is there any sort of centralized air? Or plumbing? Like. It’s a freaking death trap dude.
No, I’m not budging on this. What are you gonna do. Poop into a bucket and throw it out the window? ‘Sorry Applebloom. Twilight’s having a Hunger games binger and couldn’t bear to run down the stairs. Now you’ve got the Chocolate rain special. Here’s a fifty.’
Where was I.
Oh right. So she was walking down the stupid stairs, and she realized Spike was missing. The twist was that he was missing for two weeks, but that’s part of the journey, and stories are definitely stronger if you just know the twist right up front.
Anyway, when she walked into the kitchen she realized what she thought was Spike was actually a bag of turnips.
“Oh crap,” Twilight groaned. “I’m a terrible parent again.”
She immediately started a letter to Princess Cadance, as he’s kind of famous in the Crystal Empire. Whenever his confidence is low, he’d just go there and people would praise him until he had some ounce of self-esteem again. Praise is a vicious and addictive cycle.
Twilight signed her letter then tossed the scroll into the air.
“Spike, send a lett- Oh yeah.”
The scroll landed with a dull thud.
“Well this sucks. How do I talk to ponies now?”
Twilight looked to her desk, and her soul plunged through the floor.
She would have to use…. The telephone.
Meanwhile, about 500 years earlier.
“You know, the moon is still a really nice place to be. It’s quiet, peaceful, serene, and I don’t have to hear my dear sister getting banana-slammed train-style by half of Canterlot.” Luna said to herself.
Sometimes herself talked back.
“Plus I can lay back, hoof myself off until I pop a gusher and soak huge large spots in this rock! I bet from Equestria the moon’s surface looks like me in large splotches.”
Meanwhile, in a Dairy Queen located in another dimension and in a different time.
He was having a busy night. Cakes were still needed to be done, the retard he has for a co-worker almost slipped and burnt her hand on the grill, and for some fucking reason kids kept prank calling him.
He sighed as he told the customer again that you can’t mix seven flavours of Blizzard together. Not only did it make zero sense in terms of flavour, it would cost the customer a fortune and would inevitably have the texture of gravel.
After serving the annoying customer he went into the back to check his phone, which was completely against company policy by the way, but who was anybody going to report him to? The manager? He was the mother fucking manager. He flipped through Discord, Facebook and Instagram, and there was nothing to do or read on there. Even Shitpostbot wasn’t cranking out spicy randomly generated memes for him to enjoy.
Just as he was about to do actual work, the work phone rang.
“I gert it!” the work retard screamed. “Ow my hand! Why it so burnt?”
The Manager Who Wasn’t Trying To Off Himself In His Office sighed as he picked up the phone. “Thank you for calling Dairy Queen, how may I help you?”
A bunch of whinnies and snorts came from the other side, as if made by a horse.
“Sorry bud”, he replied quickly as was the Canadian Tradition. “Could you speak up, you sounded like a horse.”
Shrieking sound made by an equine rang through, and a few more brays and various horse noises of content.
“I’m sorry but if you keep this up I’ll have to hang up.”
Snorts, knickers and clopping sounds emanated from the electronic device.
“Sorry I’m hanging up now. Have a good one eh bud?”
He hung the phone up and slapped it into the receiver. Looking down he realized he had a massive hard-on from the pony noises. Damn kids cartoon shows. It was his life now.
“I’m on my break don’t come into my office!”
Meanwhile, about 20 minutes ago
You opened the feed of Fimfiction.net.
“Hey! A new story done by Priest. Oh, he has other authors in on it! There’s that one guy he’s cool. That other guy does a bunch of jokes really well last time about Zebras, he should put comedy in there. I think that one can dress up as a trap.” Then you noticed another name. “Oh and that little bitch sold his soul to Twitch! He used to write. What a fucking asshole.”
Then you started to read:
It was an ordinary, average day in Equestria. The birds were singing, the fish were swimming, and Applejack still breaking the r…
Meanwhile, back to the shitposting
Meanwhile, 5 minutes later
“Tia, when did you last pay the water bill,” Luna asked her sister.
Celestia had to think for a while before it sudden hit her. “Oh, um. Well you see, we kinda ran out of money after Taco Tuesday so yeah…”
“Oh… WAIT WHAT?!” Luna couldn’t believe what she was saying. How could Celestia be so foolish as to blow all their remaining funds and not leave any for next Taco Tuesday?!
“Now just a minute, Luna,” Celestia said, “we still have that secret bank account in that faraway nation in the mountains.” Celestia clearly learnt from the best as she followed the advice from some kind not-at-all dictator from a faraway tropical island who told her that all the kool kidz “borrowed” money from their national treasury and put it away in said secret bank accounts.
“Well, how much is in it?”
Celestia had to think for a moment. “Oh shit.”
“‘Oh shit’ what?”
“I spent it all on cake.”
Luna stood there completely silent as she comprehended how her careless sister even got to her position.
Celestia just shrugged nonchalantly. “Sorry, I had a massive sweet tooth and didn’t know what else to do but buy a bunch of cakes with gold flakes on them.”
“Really? Cakes with gold flakes? You couldn’t have spent it on something more normal and wholesome like coke and hookers?”
“But we’ve done that a million times already!”
Luna just shook her head. “Nevermind that. How do we plan on making money to pay our water bill?”
“Well, I heard the Crystal Empire has a huge market for magic crystals that ponies can smoke.”
“Go on.”
“What if we made some ourselves? We could make a huge killing.”
Luna thought about it for a second. “That sounds profitable, but risky. Wouldn’t it be easy for us to get caught?”
Celestia grinned. “We could just get our hooves on a wagon and take a ‘vacation’ out to the desert.”
Luna thought some more before nodding. “Fuck it. Let’s do it!”
Author's Note
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