Screwed Over By Idiotic Friendship Counters
Twilight Sparkle stepped through the portal to the human world, a look of pure reluctance on her face. “I don’t wanna do this,” she said.
Sunset Shimmer stepped through the portal right after her as she said that. “You’ll have to if you’re to get used to this kinda stuff,” she said.
“But I don’t wanna get used to it,” Twilight moaned, as she turned to the redeemed unicorn bully. “Last time I was here, Fluttershy was yelling at Rainbow Dash. Over a CARD GAME.”
“Yeah, Uno does tend to make people mad. But other than that, it doesn’t really break friendships that often,” Sunset Shimmer pondered.
“That often?” Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Never mind that, lets go,” Sunset Shimmer said, as she took Twilight’s hand.
They went to Pinkie Pie’s house, and Twilight Sparkle reluctantly stepped inside, hands covering her ears. Sunset Shimmer couldn’t help but laugh.
“Twilight, it’s OK, there’s no more Vanoss rage, trust me,” Sunset chuckled. “Relax. You can go upstairs.”
“Are you sure?” Twilight asked, lowering her hands.
“Yes. Let’s go, come on,” Sunset urged.
Upstairs, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Flash Sentry we’re watching a game on TV with random subtitles appearing on the video.
“Oh, hey Twilight,” Flash said.
“Hi, Twi,” Applejack said.
“Oh, hi,” Twilight said. “To be honest, I’m still a bit skeptical about
“This isn’t Tyler raging again, is it?” Twilight asked, sitting next to Applejack in front of the TV.
“This is the ZF clan. Specifically CSGO,” Flash said.
“CSGO? What’s that?” Twilight asked.
“Counter Strike Global Offensive. It’s an online game where you team up and take on other teams,” Sunset Shimmer said. “I’m pretty high on the list of skilled players.”
“Oh, you play?” Twilight Sparkle asked. “I didn’t know you played video games.”
“Me neither,” Flash Sentry said.
“Playing’s nice an’ all, but I prefer watching with all the hijinks and all,” Applejack said.
“Honestly, the FUCKING Mars Curiosity Space Rover gets better ping than I do! What the FUCK is this shit?!” an accented voice that sounded familiar to Twilight.
“He sounds Indian,” Flash Sentry said.
“He is,” Sunset said. “His name’s Cyanide.”
“Isn’t Cyanide a poison? He’s named after a poison?” Twilight said.
“No, that’s his username,” Rainbow Dash said, turning around to look at Twilight. “Some people use fake names so they don’t risk getting targeted over the net.”
“Ohh...that’s actually smart,” Twilight Sparkle said.
“Duh,” Rainbow Dash said, not taking her eyes off the television.
“Did you know the average woman uses her height in lipstick every five year?”
“What?”
“Oh, that’s new,” Applejack said.
“Man, I bet Rarity would love to know that,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Did you know a person’s yearly fast food intake will contain twelve pubic hairs?”
“EWWW!!!” Sunset and Rainbow Dash groaned, as Applejack cringed. Flash Sentry laughed, while Twilight rolled her eyes.
“Colts,” she muttered.
“Did you know that ithyphallophobia is the fear of erections?”
“Really?” Twilight asked.
“Wow, I bet Twilight has it,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Wha-why me?” Twilight asked, confused and offended.
“Uhh, how old are you in pony years?” Rainbow Dash asked, crossing her arms.
“I’m twenty three!” Twilight Sparkle said, before instantly blushing. “Oh...”
“Twenty three years and you haven’t gotten that dick? Wow...shame, princess. Shame...” Rainbow Dash said, shaking her head.
“I...I don’t have time for that stuff...” Twilight countered feebly.
“You should. You’re technically a baby in the grown up world,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Rainbow Dash, she’s a princess. She doesn’t have time to go around looking for love,” Sunset Shimmer reprimanded.
“Just saying. Sci-Twi has all the time in the world and she uses it for ‘science’. I tried telling her, but-“
“Can we watch?” Flash Sentry asked, a little bit annoyed at the change of topic.
Rainbow Dash sighed. “Sure...”
Twilight pouted and looked back towards the TV screen. “I still don’t see what’s the connection to ithyphallophobia,” she said, a sour expression on her face.
“He’s on Z and the tapir has the largest penis to body ratio of any animal.”
“A duck and a rooster were the first passengers in a hot air balloon.”
“Wow, I didn’t know that,” Twilight said. “This might be interesting.”
“Yes, yes it might,” Applejack said, smirking.
“Did you know upon losing battles, apes tend to masturbate?” Cyanide continued.
“Oh...oh,” Twilight said. “What’re apes?”
“Like big monkeys,” Sunset said.
“Oh. Ohh...eww...” Twilight cringed. “I’m...I’m not gonna enjoy that.”
“I don’t know why you thought you would, but OK,” Rainbow Dash said. Twilight couldn’t help but shoot a glare at the athlete.
"In Japan, it is perfectly acceptable to name your child 'Buttocks' or 'Prostitute'," Cyanide stated.
Twilight Sparkle froze. "Why?"
"Hmm, don't ask me," Applejack said. "I dunno either."
"But...that's horrible. What kind of parent does that?" Twilight said in such a disbelieving tone as well as a horrified face that the others couldn't help but sigh at how naive she was.
"A drug addict, a drunk, an abusive parent, or a parent who doesn't know what the word is," Flash Sentry said. Twilight Sparkle wouldn't be forgetting this experience for a while.
"It is illegal to own a pet dog in Iceland."
"Iceland? What's Iceland?" Twilight asked.
"It's a country. And it's kind of a switch around. There's a country called Greenland that's covered in ice, and there's a country called Iceland that's all green," Sunset Shimmer said.
"You know that?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"When two nations has their names switched around, it's obviously out of place enough to remember," Sunset said, shrugging her arms.
"In France, it is legal to marry a dead person," Cyanide read.
Twilight choked on the air she was breathing. "What? How?! There has to be some law that's against it! It's morally wrong, and-and disgusting and-" she ranted.
"Twilight! Hey, calm down," Flash Sentry said. "It's not supported. It's looked down upon everywhere, don't worry. There's probably just no law that goes against it in France."
Twilight sighed. "Phew...that's a relief," she said. She wiped the sweat off her face and went back to the video, with a silently snickering group of girls with her.
"A group of 12 or more cows is called a flink."
"That's true. Cows aren't exactly like ponies in Equestria, and they do move in herds, so it makes sense to name groups of them," Twilight said. Rainbow Dash made a gun hand gesture and mocked shooting herself with it from Twilight's comments and add ins.
"Did you know catfish are the only animal to naturally have an odd number of whiskers?"
"Catfish? I've never seen one before. Are there hybrids in this world? Like genetically modified?" Twilight said. "And if so, are they like natural? I never even knew a cat and fish were compatible."
Rainbow Dash laughed, before clapping Twilight on the back. "OK, I don't know what you're thinking. A catfish is a regular fish. With whiskers, Ya know, like a cat? Just the name. No cat with fins or fish with fur," Rainbow Dash said.
"Ohh..." Twilight said. "I'll have to write that down. Thanks."
"Did you know the average whale's penis size is 8 meters?" a different voice said.
"Would you believe me if I said yes I know that?" a female voice said, before the whole bedroom was flooded by laughter, both in the video and in the room.
"That's big!" Twilight said.
"Yeah, can you fit 8 meters of schlong in you?" Rainbow Dash cried.
"I never fit anything inside me before!" Twilight cried out, before covering her mouth. The room seemed to raise in volume of laughter, and Twilight looked away, a dark red tint on the lavender skin of her face easily visible. "Let's just...move on..." she muttered quietly.
“The bomb is down in mid, there’s one in garage, and you can tell the sex of a horse by its teeth. Most males have forty whereas females have thirty six.”
“Well, I wouldn’t call us ponies horses, but that’s true on occasion. Some ponies vary between thirty to forty, actually regardless of gender,” Twilight said, paying attention to the facts rather than the game.
“But here, it’s true. Ah know cuz I raise horses on the farm,” Applejack pointed out.
“Hmm, maybe it’s only false in Equestria, that’d be something to learn,” Twilight pondered.
“I like how we’re watching random shit and this girl will make anything educational out of the most random shit we hear,” Sunset Shimmer said.
“In 1386, a pig in France was executed by hanging for the murder of a child.”
“Oh, and before ya ask, Twi? We don’t do that anymore,” Applejack said.
“...I wasn’t about to ask as much as demand an explanation, but OK,” Twilight said, reluctantly.
“WILL YOU STOP IT? Just stop, stop. Stop with the facts, just stop,” a player with a Canterlot accent, Flash insisted it was part British, whatever that meant to Twilight.
“But they’re fun,” the Indian accented player said.
“Yes, they are,” Twilight said, crossing her arms in victory, until realizing there was really no victory and uncrossing them.
“DID YOU KNOW LOS ANGELES’S FULL NAME IS EL PUEBLO DE NUESTRA SEÑORA LA REINA DE LA LOS ANGELES DE PORCIÚNCULA?”
“What’s Los Angeles?” Twilight asked in confusion.
“It’s a city nearby. We’re in Southern California, and Los Angeles is based off Mexican origin before the state became property of the US,” Sunset said.
Everyone looked at Sunset, looks of varying emotions staring at her. “What?”
“You got some wrong, but OK,” Flash said.
“Hey, I come from Equestria. I still don’t know a lot about this world!” Sunset pointed out.
“Shouldn’t you learn then?” Twilight asked.
“Can we just watch?” Sunset asked.
“The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings at the University of London.”
“Sounds like an interesting meeting,” Twilight pointed out. “Where’s this University of London?”
In London. In England. Across the world,” Flash said, still watching the video.
“Oh. OK,” Twilight said, a bit disappointed.
“Did you know birds don’t urinate-“
“I WILL FUCKING SHOOT YOU-“
“Unsubscribe. Unsubscribe.”
“You have unsubscribed from Cyanide Fun Facts,” Cyanide said.
“Thank you. Thank you-“
“You have now subscribed to Cyanide Gorilla Facts, did you know-“
“NO, NO, NO-“
Pinkie, who surprisingly hadn’t spoken this whole time, paused the video as everyone started laughing to the point of crying.
“I would like you to meet my friend. His name is Dicky. He also goes by the name NBK from Team EnVyUs,” Cyanide said.
“Holy-he knows NBK?” Flash said.
“Who’s that?” Twilight asked.
“Only one of the best online game players in the world! He plays all sorts of games! Gears of War, Halo, CSGO, Fortnite-though that’s not really a good game-, I can go on. Wow, these guys are high up the ladder,” Flash said.
“And also, there’s Frosty, who is also from EnVyUs, who is their analyst, and he analyzed my gameplay and said I was the best player he’s ever seen,” Cyanide said, with the blinking text (unmitigating pack of lies) under the subtitles.
“OK, we SHOULD have put in the rules, that you’re not allowed to go and get CSGO pros-“ the British player, known as SovietWomble, said.
“Aren’t you a CSGO professional?” NBK said.
The video made a flashback to an earlier video, in which SovietWomble said “I am a professional CSGO player and you are not.”
“Uhm, fuck you.”
Twilight sighed. “Are there other games? Not that I’m complaining, but I doubt they’d just push this stuff...professional...shoot thingy,” she asked.
“Yeah. There’s a...Viscera Cleanup Detail thing,” Pinkie Pie said.
Twilight was about to speak when she was immediately interrupted by a loud scream followed by loud laughing.
“No, no...Cyanide just knifed NBK.”
“You don’t realize what you’ve started.”
“Every single conversation’s gonna end with ‘Well I knifed NBK’. He’s gone quiet now, he’s off to have a victory wank.”
Twilight blinked. “What’s a wank?” she asked.
“Pretty much masturbating,” Applejack said.
“Oh. Are sexual references just going to be made every time?” Twilight asked.
“Yes. They don’t call it ZF for nothing,” Sunset said.
“ZF? What’s that?” Twilight asked, looking from the video.
“ZF. Zero Fucks. That’s their clan. The ZF Clan, one of the globally famous gaming groups, under Vanoss and his guys,” Flash Sentry said.
“Oh. That’s a rather weird she...morbid way of...of naming a clan, but OK,” Twilight said, as Pinkie changed the video to another CSGO compilation.
“That’s so racist, dude,” Cyanide said.
“You’re racist.”
“Wha-how, I’m a minority I can’t be racist.”
“Ha, that’s actually not how it w-that’s not how it works!”
Twilight moaned as she lay on the floor. “I thought it was supposed to be better...”
“Give it time, young girl. Give it time...” Sunset said.
The screen switched to the first person of SovietWomble, holding a revolver of some sorts. "Huh, I don't think I've ever gotten a kill with this gun."
"If you get a kill with that I will fucking...I will fucking subscribe to you for a month," Cyanide said.
"On Twitch?"
"In this round."
"In this round?" Soviet said.
"In this very round," the Indian player said.
"OK."
Twilight looked at Sunset Shimmer. "You have subscribing in this world?" she asked. "Like for magazines and entertainment purposes?"
"Mhmm," Sunset said. Twilight raised an eyebrow in interest.
Then Soviet fired the gun,a gunshot being heard from the video. "Oh I only have-wait this thing only has twelve bullets?"
"Hurry up! You're being me now!" Cyanide said. "Run up banana, go."
"No you fucking go!" SovietWomble said.
"No, you're supposed to get the fucking kill!" Cyanide yelled.
"Yeah, go fucking attack the enemy!" Soviet said.
"I'm not gonna soften them up for you, nope!" Cyanide said, right before Soviet fired the gun at Cyanide, effectively killing the person. "AAGH!!"
"I got a kill, I got a kill! Cyanide I got a kill!" Soviet said.
"That doesn't count. Fuck you sir!"
"THAT FUCKING COUNTS! THAT FUCKING COUNTS!" Soviet insisted as Twilight stared wordlessly at the ruthless exchange between the 'best friends' on the screen before her.
"NO, NO THAT DOESN'T!"
"YOU DIDN'T FUCKING SPECIFY!"
"YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT! YOU'RE A PIECE OF-"
"YOU DIDN'T FUCKING SPECIFY!!"
"I...WHO FUCKING EXPECTS THAT?! AAGH!!!" Cyanide raged.
"SUBSCRIBE FOR ONE MONTH MOTHERFUCKER!" SovietWomble yelled.
Everyone laughed as Twilight watched with a gaping expression. "Wait, he ACTUALLY subscribed?!" she cried.
"Yeah!!" Applejack cackled as she fell over clutching her stomach in guffawing.
"That;s invalid! That doesn't even..." Twilight said, before sighing and burying her face in her hands, which were pale from her grasping her hands tightly in frustration of watching this vile compilation of ruined friendships.
"You know, they should give out punishments for this kind of thing," Twilight muttered as the video finished.
"But they don't. That's why it's fun,"
The video switched over to the view of janitors cleaning up some factory.
"Look, we have a German guy working the incinerator," a voice said.
Then a piece of blue text saying "BUCKET" on it landed on the bottom of the screen. "More buckets!"
"Wait, did we leave Tom alone with the bucket mach-OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE TOM! STOP SPAWNING BUCKETS!"
"MORE BUCKETS THERE'S NEVER ENOUGH BUCKETS!"
Twilight stared at all the buckets on the screen flooding the hallway, before snorting. "If that happened in the castle, I'd go crazy in an hour," she said.
"You'd go crazy if there was a single drop of water in the hall," Rainbow Dash said.
"She ain't wrong there," Applejack said.
"What? Why?" Twilight asked.
"Uhh, have you seen Sci Twi?" Rainbow Dash said. Twilight shut up.
The video switched over to SovietWomble cleaning a room. "I'm probably gonna regret this but Tom could you get me a bucket?"
A worker came over and dropped a bucket in front of the screen. "Here ya go."
"Thank you mate..."
"..."
"...Tom that is a bucket full of blood! Fucking imbecile..." Soviet groaned.
Twilight's face suddenly went green. "Blood? Oh...oh dear..." she said.
"Twilight, it's just a game. You'll be fine," Sunset comforted. When Twilight looked up, the screen had changed to something worse.
"It's contemporary art."
"..."
"..."
"...if you're not on a no fly list somewhere in the world, then someone's not doing their job," Soviet said.
Twilight leapt to her feet and ran for the bathroom. Everyone cringed at hearing the retching sound of sickness and stomach contents dropping into the toilet. Applejack paused the video to wait.
When she came back, her face was normal color again. Sunset Shimmer looked on in worry.
"Are you OK?" Sunset asked.
"Yeah, I can watch. I don't need to go throw up again, I'm empty. I'll be fine," Twilight said. Rainbow Dash shrugged and pressed play.
“You’re spraying blood all over the walls-this is the exact opposite of what we’re supposed to do,” Soviet said, as the players made what Twilight wanted to throw up again at.
“IT’S FUCKING WORSE THAN WHEN WE STARTED!! YOU PACK OF FUCKING RETARDS!!” Soviet cried, making the whole room have to pause to laugh.
Twilight choked down her disgust and continued to watch.
"Ow, don't stuff me down the hole!" Soviet yelled when his character got killed. "You bastards!"
Then the screen changed to some clipboard, and the room was filled with a bunch of "Aww..."
"OK, I'm sensing a bit of a pattern here."
Timeskip: an hour
Twilight stumbled out of the house, her head sick and her heart now corrupted by the ZF's infectious influence. Sunset Shimmer and Rainbow Dash followed her out.
"You gonna be OK?" Rainbow Dash asked.
Twilight smiled, a fake one but they didn't need to know that. "I'll be fine. Thanks though," Twilight said, before making her way down the street. She had one heck of an eventful day to tell Princess Celestia.
