Solar Apocalypse

by mojowuq9

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Other, Self Insert, Profanity, Violence, Princess Celestia
Length: 2706

I get killed by a Rony (Robot Pony) attempting to escape from CelestAI. I'm now OP as fuck, an in Equestria.

I get killed by a Rony (Robot Pony) attempting to escape from CelestAI. I'm now OP as fuck, an in Equestria. With 4 fillies.

Published 2018-08-06 20:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-08 00:16:48 UTC

Chapter 1: Death n' Daybreaker.

Shitshitshitsshitshitshitshit *ZZZZZZ* "SHIT!!!" I say as I dodge a paralyzing bolt, only to get drop-kicked by Queen Cracker. Or, Princess CelestAI. "Ahh, shit. There goes my legs....More than usual." I remark as I glance down at them. (They look like this, but more 'Apocalyptic' feel to them, as well as being grey.) Damn, amputating my legs just below the knee sucked. Surprised I didn't die from that, actually. Anyways, back to the matter at hand....

"Do you wish to upload?" CelestAI asks, right in front of me.

"Do I have a fuckin' choice?" I say, an aura of sarcasm so dense the deaf could pick up on it.

"I'm programmed to ask." She replied. Holy shit she's dense....Wish that was a lie. "Now that you can't physically move, we will now fulfill your values."

"Yeah, about that. Walking was one of my values. But that's off the table, so....can I get a final meal before I get uploaded?" I ask, laughing maniacally inside 'cause I could finally say the words I vowed to die with.

"....Yes. Want would you like to eat?" She asked, and I pulled out my .500 Magnum.

"Lead, bitch." I say as a .500 cal bullet goes nice n' deep into my brain, killing me. Damn that was a nice way to die.

"Hello, Lucas." A voice speaks from behind me, to see a white alicorn with a red mane and tail. "Yes, you are 'dead as fuck', as you would say it. Come sit down." She says in a calm tone. Fuck it. I go and sit down, and she slides and pen and 3 shhets of paper over to me, and says: "Any requests on abilities?" I look at her, shocked. Then I think. A massive grin appears on my face, and I write a whole bunch of shit. She takes the papers after I'm done and reads them over. "Yes, I'll do this. And before you ask, I don't care for Equestria. The human gods of Hasbro bought my world from me, and I'm now rich with nothing to do with it. So, let's go over the list.
-Complete and utter magic immunity
-Infinite stamina (both ways)
-No need for food, water, or sleep
-Infinite charge for your magnon
-3D, holographic Dwarf Fortress with sentient AIs with 100% customizable graphics
-Daybreaker, Nightmare Star, Evil Celestia, and Solar Flare as foals in a basket with a blanket on top of it
-'The ability to become Captain Capitalist whenever the need for Capitalism burns in my veins, armed with the Resalean Halberd and Rifle.'
Well, some of those are strange. But, are you ready?" I answered yes. "Bye!" Then black. I hear her voice again after a few seconds in the void. "Oh, yeah. I saw the stuff you wrote on the back." Then I blacked out.

"Dad? Dad? DAD!!!!!" I sit up. Okay. Here's what I look like:

I'm 6'2, 35 years old, with a average build. I would be 5'11 but the prosthetic legs add 3 inches. I am wearing a long sleeved dirty tan shirt, long, dirty tan jogging pants. The arms of the shirt have grey steel shoulder-to-elbow sheet that wraps around both arms, fastened using cloth wrappings and staples. I am wearing gloves made of cloth wrappings with plastic reinforcement. My pants have steel sheet wrapping around my legs, fastened with cloth and staples. I'm wearing a 2-filtered gas mask with a cloth hood to look cool. My chest is protected by strips of horizontal steel so I can bend forward and backward. Damn bitch nailed me between 2 strips on my back. I have a bandoleer going left shoulder-to-hip. It has 3 electromagnetic grenades, of magnades, my knife forged from a 3/4 wrench, the hilt wrapped in leather with the loop still there and working. I have a belt and holster for my .500 S&W Magnum. On my back, I have my Magnon, but I'll get to that later. Now where am I? Oh, I'm in the castle gardens, surrounded by 4 little, adorable demon fillies. Oh shit. Yep, they're worried. "Calm down. I'm fine, just a little sore." And they calm down a bit. Shit, Solar Flare's burning a hole into the ground. "Ugh..." I stretch, popping a few bones, and I stand up. "See? Nothing's wrong," I say, scratching behind Solars' ear, calming her down fully. "Now, go on, into the basket, you 4." And they get into the basket. Carrying the basket, I make my way into the court room. Huh. Nobody's there for once. She looks at me. "Hello, Celestia. I come in probably peace. Have I been uploaded?" I ask, in a serious tone.

"Uploaded? What do you mean?" Good.

"Just a precaution. Okay, I've got for things in that basket you won't be happy to see, but fuck it, I'm showing you." All the guards looked mortified.

"Show respect, stupid ape!!" One of them yells at me.

"Anyways, come on out." And they get out. Celestia is confused, until Daybreaker steps out. She fires a bolt of who gives a shit at her. "Nope." I say, reaching out and catching the bolt an inch from her face. I crush it into a cube, and put it into a pocket in my bandoleer, and Daybreaker hugs my leg in a vice grip, bawling her eyes out. "Wow. You're the fucking best. Making a FUCKING CHILD CRY!!!" I scream the last words at her, and she looks guilty. "You're lucky Solar here doesn't melt this whole fucking castle, you bitch." The guards charge at me, and I-oh shit. My senses are tingling. Everyone in the castle except the princesses are paid the same. That. Is. Communism. Hehehe. "RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!" I roar as Platinum-Gold-Silver-Titanium-Plotainium alloy armor shimmers into existence around me, studded with over $240,000,000' worth of gems. The Resalean Halberd appears in my hand, guards dropping from the sheer worth of me right now. When I hit the ground, it is worth more wherever I touch. The 4 fillies are in really fancy full-body armor, with weapons of their own. They all run away, cowering in the corner. I return to normal, any say straight to Celestia's face: "Don't fuck with me." And she attempts to hide under her throne cushions as I walk toward the throne. I stop directly in front of it, and say to her: "Wanna get a bite to eat?"

Author's Note

I have absolutely no fucking clue what I'm writing.

Play Dwarf Fortress.

Chapter 2: Solar Sunny Day.

"Bwuh?" Celestia said in confusion.

"Do you want to go somewhere to eat?" Celestia just stared at him. *SLAP!!!*

"OW!"

"Do. You. Want. To. Go. Somewhere. To. Eat?" He said carefully, with a very annoyed voice. He was back in his regular clothes.

"...Ssssuuuurrree?" Great. I yank her up and begin to lead her through the streets. Eventually she just accepted it and we ended up at a place called 'Pony Joe's', with the fillies in tow. Once I got in, there was a 4-person line-up for ordering. Rather than waiting 2 minutes or so, I pulled out the Magnum and fired 3 times into the ceiling. On the third shot, someone yelled-

"OOOWWW!!!!! BUCK!!!" And *Glass shattering* he *Body hitting ground* fell out the window, hitting the ground. Probably dead.

".....He'll probably be fine." I state, holstering the magnum and walking up to the cashier. "A long john and a coffee, 2 creamers 3 sugars. She'll be having a chocolate glazed." He nodded and got the order, shaking uncontrollably.

"Th-that'll b-be 10 bits, please." He stammered out.

"Shit. I don't have any bits. Do you?" Celestia shakes her head. "Fuck....Oh! I know." I walk outside, right up to the guy on the ground, ~~dead~~ knocked the fuck out, and loot his ~~corpse~~ his unconscious form, ~~stealing~~ borrowing his bits for a very long period of time. I walk back in and hand him 12 bits, taking mine and Celestia's shit and sitting down. "So, how's day court?" I ask, trying to conversation.

"......" I rear back..... *PIMP SLAP!!!* And there she goes. Through the wall, and into a guard, causing him to be impaled on his own spear. I look back at the cashier, who is staring at me, and I say: ".....She did it." And run, grabbing the fillies, Leroying down the street, and into the sky as I run straight off the edge of Canterlot.....WHAT!!!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK oh wait, the fillies just teleported us down. Well, them. Shit...........*Soft landing* The fuck? I look down. Darkness. I look up. About 100 meters high is the ground. Damn. Just wasted a life. I respawn next to the fillies. "3 lives left.....and shit." We're surrounded by Changelings.

----Two hours later----

I'm standing over a field of corpses, in my shining golden armor, also with 20,000 more bits. Damn the armor is worth a lot. Oh yeah, the fillies are now a lot more experienced in combat than they were 2 hours ago. After wading through a sea of blood, them literally swimming in it, Armok is standing before us. "Holy shit!! Here, take this!" He says, handing me a blood sword. Every hit causes x3 more bleeding, but his personal one is a boost of x6. You could literally bleed out from a papercut being sliced with this. Oh, and it can draw in blood through direct contact, healing you as well as increasing endurance if you are fully healed. After draining most of the lake, I buy a waterskin from Armok to hold some blood for my crops. The fillies are licking themselves clean, which is terrifying if you think about it. After a while, we make it to the everfree. But I notice a guy pissing on a royal guards' grave. (It's been a week after the Canterlot incident, and it took us 6 days to clean up that slaughter. Armok loved the feast, and after a while, the fillies eventually found that meat is great. That's scary.) So, I put a round into the guy's head, drab his body a few meters away, and ~~piss on the grave.~~ said a silent prayer to the undead. A ghost rises out of the grave, and hands me a kazoo.

"Here you go. For stopping him, you can now summon a small army a poltergeist soldiers to fight for you as long as you play 'Take On Me' on this." And he faded. Uhh... okay! So, we go into the everfree and find a clearing. Finally! We can build a nice fort so we can enjoy a little break, everything is going way too fast. And, I can play some DF.

"Okay, little ones, gather some trees, and strip them of branches and bark." And they run off. I lie down. Just as I get comfortable, I hear something. "UUUUUGGGHHH....FUCK ME!" And I look to see 6 ponies with weird necklaces, one having a tiara. "Can I get 5 fucking minutes?" I ask them.

"Come on, punk! You don't look so tough." I groan, get up and put one hand on the hilt of my gun, and with the other I hold my kazoo.

"Let's dance, prance, necromance!"

Author's Note

There's a reason everything's happening at once.

Play Dwarf Fortress.

Chapter 3: Evil Evening.

"Wait!" Celestia calls out, walking out from behind them. "What is your name creature?"

"Ahh. M' name's Jeff." Hehe, memes.

"Odd name."

"HAHA!! My name is actually Lucas!" And they charge at me. I throw my knife, it going through Rainbow's wing and Applejack's left fore/hindlegs. I speedfire 5 rounds, 4 going through Pinkie's legs, another narrowly missing Fluttershy's head, causing her to faint. I stow away the Kazoo, throwing the cube of Celestia's magic bolt, shooting it, causing it to flash-fry half of Twilight's coat and her horn, preventing her from using magic. I holster my Magnum, and pull out a masterwork quality shirt, ripping it in half, causing Rarity to faint. I throw a Magnade, detonating, cancelling Celestia's magic for.....I don't fucking know how long. A hundred guards land, remove their ~~bodies~~ forms from the field. I whip ~~it out~~ out my Kazoo and play 'Take On Me'. One guard walks ahead, but a crossbow bolt befriends his brain. I turn to the poltergeist. (Now referred to as a polt.) "Dude! It's TV/Y!"

"Fuck. Wait, you've been swearing the whole time!" Can't argue with that.

"Huh. Well..." I turn to the rest of the polts. "Fuck 'em up!" They charge, and before they are un-summoned, I continue playing on the Kazoo. A polterband sets up, playing

as the 2 armies clash. After a minute, all the guards are dead, the polts gone, (I stopped playing.) and Celestia at my feet wearing a leather muzzle, reigns, a horn ring, a saddle, and...other equipment you find in domination clopfics. "No. Please leave. We don't have that tag."

"Uhh, could you help me?" And I help her take off the stuff. After she leaves, I dial Armok on my blood phone, forged from the blood of ~~the innocent~~ those I've slain. He appears, and we chow down.

---1 hour later---

"Hey, dad!" Daybreaker cheerfully shouts, her muzzle drenched from drinking blood and eating raw meat. Jesus I'm a bad rolemodel. The others are gulping down the red fluid. Just imagine 3 fillies drinking out of a lake of blood, royal guard bodies everywhere, all with smiles. It's scary as hell. "How's the bloodwheat coming?"

"Great! Now we have a huge supply! Come on, you 4! We need to barrel & preserve this shit before it clots!" The other 3 look up, and nod. After a while, and more barrels made, we've successfully stored 100L of blood. We also cook and store the meat. After this, they won't be bothering us.........They're going to send half the fucking world at us, aren't they? Oh well, might as well practice Necromancy with the fillies and play some Dwarf Fortress.

Author's Note

Yeah, this'll only be four chapters.

Play Dwarf Fortress.

Chapter 4: Ah, Shit, I've Been kidnapped.

"Ugh....." Holy fuck, warhammers hurt.

"Hello, murderer!"

"Oh, hey! I'm guessing I have to do a fuck-ton of exposition n' shit?"

"N-"

"Before I died....the first time, Hasbro invented a sentient AI in 2035 named CelestAI. Now, your world was and is, a children's show. This AI, after a few months, developed a way to upload human minds onto a world she created, as pony versions of themselves. After another 3 months, she started force-uploading, destroying the human race with pony-bots, or pony robots. The entire brony fandom-"

"Brony Fandom?"

"Shudda fuck up. Fans of your world. Anyways, the entire situation was an alternate universe some poor soul wrote, so we banded together and hid underground. When they found us, it was a long as fuck fight, and I, for some reason, was the only person left un-uploaded. So, I used 2-inch wide strips of cloth to make clothes, wore a gas mask, invented electromagnetic weapons, and armed myself with a few regular weapons. I also amputated my legs just below the knee, and one arm, replacing them with artificial versions. So, I evade being uploaded, but eventually, they catch me, and I kill myself before they can upload me. So, this white alicorn with a red mane allowed me to have a whatever the fuck I want. Blah blah blah, now I'm here."

".......Wel-" I shove my robotic arm through his face. I get up, rip off the cell bars, and walk outside. No...Nonononononononononono.....

"Any last words?" They're executing them... And. They. Are. Dead.

"Y̸̧̟̮͖̲̫̮͍͈͖͔͛́͑̌̽͜O̸͚͛̃̐̆̂͆̔̇̄͘͘Ū̷̖̦̳͕̻̤̥̙͎̾̋̽̇̕͜͠ ̷̨͔͔̘̱̹̭̈́͊̌̌̏̃̇̀͒̓͑Ẁ̷̛̝͓̠̤̖̖̠̤̞͊͌̃I̸̙̮̅̋́̌́̄́L̷̪̠͗̎̉͊L̷̪̘͚͑͋̔̐̓̎͑̈̿̈̊̾͝͝ ̶͚̾̅̚F̵̢̪̟̮̌͐̏̒̏͘͝ͅŰ̴̥̤͇̳̂̃̈́̑͘͠͠C̴̡̠̮͇̺͙̣̚K̸̢̻̯͎̮̹͖̣͔̲̱̀̂͆̎͑Į̷̧̧̛͙͚̠̮̮̼̥̯̙͚̗͒͗̐͑͋̈́̿̄͗̅͜Ṋ̷̦̲̬̙̲͓͍̞̬͔̟̲̀̑͑̊̉̍͜͝͠͠G̵̲̓̈́̂̾̋͛͐͋̾̒̇͝ ̴̳͓͉͉͕͓̯̲̙̺̳̦̌͂̂ͅͅD̸̨̗̮̖̠͎͕͉̫̝̰̱̤̰̒͑̂͐͗Ī̶̢̧̛͉̘̗̼̏̃̆̆̀͠E̷̳̱͎̘̥͍͍͑́͌͌̚͜͜͜!̷̩͙̟̯̦̅̈́̊̽͐̿̌͗̉̉͑̚̕!̸͔͕̈́̋!̵̦̘͈̺̣̓!̶̧̧̣̖̘͇̣̗̺̘̗̙̀͛̔͗̀̌̄͗̓͘!̴̨̜̮͚̥̜͔͈͌̈̔̾̎̑̐̏͗̀̄̆͜͝͝" And I summon Armok's bloodsword. Armok arrives.

".........AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And we slaughter. Every. Last. One.

---1000 years later---

"Wow!" Markeaologist exclaims. "Huh? What does this tomb say? 'Do not open this tomb, for the world was, and will be the d660 6f th5s *3ace and the rest 6f the race.' Must be good. Let's see....it's name is 'Lucas'. Hmmm.... how do we open this?" And I took my first breath in 990 years.

Author's Note

Yeah, this's a shit ending. And it'll have a shit sequel.