The Roasting of Starlight Glimmer
“Whoa, I was not expecting this kind of turnout,” Starlight said as she entered the room. It was filled with ponies, along with a few other creatures. She recognized students from the school, citizens of Ponyville, and even citizens from Our Town.
“Of course,” Twilight replied. “We’re all going to miss you, everypony I invited wanted to come and say goodbye.”
“Thank you for getting this together, this is… wow.” Starlight was received with cheers, and several creatures came to chat with her.
“Enjoy the food, everyone,” Twilight called. “And in about thirty minutes we’ll be pausing to give a little speech about all of Starlight’s accomplishments since she came to Ponyville.”
Everyone agreed and went back to getting food and drinks, finding tables to sit at.
Starlight was led up to a stage in the front of the room, where two tables were set up, one on either side of a podium, all the chairs facing out toward the crowd.
“Here’s your seat, guest of honor,” Twilight said, inviting Starlight to sit down in the first seat to the right of the podium, from the crowd’s perspective.
“Oh, thank you.” Starlight sat, and looked around the room. “Have you seen Trixie?”
“She should be on her way. I think she was taking a nap and slept in.”
“Heh. Typical.”
“Could I get you anything? We have martinis!”
“Oh! Sure, I’ll take a martini and a few snacks,” Starlight replied. “You know what I like.”
Twilight nodded and walked off to one of the buffet tables. Starlight checked out the room, seeing who all was present. She waved to Night Glider, who was at a table with Rainbow Dash, Party Favor, and Double Diamond. All four of whom seemed to be in the middle of a drinking contest.
“Hey Starlight!” Rainbow called, waving back. “I’ll be going to sit up there with you in a bit, but right now I have a competition to win!”
“In your dreams!” Night Glider shot back, before downing a shot of whiskey.
“Oh yeah?” Rainbow responded, before proceeding to take two shots.
Starlight giggled. Night turned everything into a contest and Rainbow only encouraged her. Those two will be fun to talk to later.
Then a very distinguished couple entered the room, and Starlight stood to call to them. “Hey, Discord! Hey, Tempest!”
The two waved at them.
“Starlight Glimmer, my good friend!” Discord took to the air, flying over everyone to land on the stage and shake her hoof. “So good to see you, and I’m looking forward to a great going away party!”
“Haha, me too. I’m going to miss you guys, but we’ll definitely visit,” Starlight replied.
“You better.” Discord let go of her hoof. “After all, you’ll need to get this back to do magic.” He opened his hand and showed her a pink horn.
Starlight stared, then felt her forehead and gasped. “Hey!”
Discord laughed and stuck the horn back on her. “Just messing!”
She quickly lit up her horn to check, lifting a nearby microphone. Her magic worked fine, and she sighed. “You’re such a troll.”
“Oh I’ve only begun to troll you today,” he said, winking.
Starlight tilted her head, but then Tempest was hopping onto the stage and she leaned forward to greet her. “Hey, good to see you.”
“Good to see you too. Wow, going around with Trixie to do magic shows, I bet that’ll be fun,” Tempest said.
“Loads. I’m really looking forward to it. Being a guidance counselor was fun but I need a change of scenery.”
“I get that.”
“So how are you liking being a royal guard?”
“It’s great! Sometimes I have long days, or weekend duty, but generally it’s a seven to four job and I get home at a decent time. I’m a captain so it’s mostly administrative work, but we do exercises too, so if something happens, we’ll be ready to fight.”
“That’s good. I’m glad you’re enjoying it, that kind of job is really perfect for you.”
“We’re going to go grab some food,” Discord said. “But nice talking to you.” He walked off, and Tempest followed. They said hi as they passed Twilight, who was carrying a plate of food and a glass.
“Hey, guys. Enjoy the party,” she said, then stepped onto the stage. “Here you are. One martini and some appetizers. There’s cheese cubes, little dandelion sandwiches, hay chips, and some hummus to dip them in.”
“Ooh, thank you.” Starlight helped herself, and Twilight sat down, leaving a chair between her and Starlight for Trixie to sit in.
“I’m almost tempted to just teleport Trixie here,” Twilight commented.
Starlight laughed. “Oh she would hate that.”
“I know, so I’m not going to. It’s still tempting.”
Slowly Twilight’s friends made their way up to the stage, sitting at the tables. Rainbow already seemed drunk.
“You okay?” Starlight asked as she stumbled on the stairs.
“Absolutely,” Rainbow assured her. “I’m just a little tipsy.” She sat down and shouted across the room, “Night, make one for me too!”
Night saluted and returned to preparing what seemed to be margaritas.
“Should I be concerned?” Starlight asked Twilight.
Twilight shook her head. “She’ll be okay. She likes to get drunk but she doesn’t do it enough to be harmful. The Wonderbolts really like to drink, it’s like a culture thing for them.”
“Huh.”
The door opened and Trixie walked in at last. “Sorry, I was taking a nap and forgot to set my alarm.”
“It’s okay,” Starlight said.
Trixie nodded thankfully, and grabbed some food and a drink before heading up to the stage, sitting next to Starlight.
“Wow, this many ponies are glad to be rid of you?” Trixie asked.
Starlight coughed on her food, and Twilight snorted. Once she managed to swallow, she chuckled and said. “Guess so.”
Trixie rubbed her back. “I’m just messing. It’s nice that so many ponies came to see you off.” She took a closer look at the guests. “And dragons. And hippogriffs and griffins.” She squinted. “And… yaks and changelings. Wow.”
“Yeah, pretty much everyone from the school is here,” Starlight said. “And extras. But it’s so nice to have this kind of support.”
“Are we going to have any royalty here?”
“Well, Twilight’s here.”
“Oh, you know what I mean. Princess Celestia or Luna? Or Princess Cadance?”
Starlight shrugged. “They were invited, but who knows how busy they could be. I won’t be disappointed if they don’t come.”
“Gotcha.”
They talked quietly while they ate, occasionally pausing to talk to various creatures who came to wish them luck on their travels. Most people had taken seats and were talking amongst themselves, or just listening to the music that was playing softly from the DJ booth in the corner, where Vinyl Scratch was nodding to the beat.
It was only a few minutes until Twilight was planning to give her speech when the door opened once more, and a trio of alicorns came in.
Nearly everyone stood, and Celestia called, “Please, take your seats everypony, we’re just guests like the rest of you.”
Everyone returned to their conversations, though kept shooting gleeful looks at the princesses.
Twilight stayed standing, and got down from the stage to go meet them. “You came!”
“Of course, we wouldn’t want to miss Starlight’s going away,” Celestia replied.
“Good to see you,” Luna said, and while Starlight offered her a hoof shake, Luna instead hugged her.
She smiled and hugged back, and Celestia patted her.
Twilight pranced over to Cadance and knelt slightly, ears perking up. Catching on, Cadance knelt too, and they pranced in place and sang, “Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake! Clap your hooves and do a little shake!” They shook their rumps, then laughed and hugged each other.
“So good to see you!” Twilight said.
“Same to you!”
“Are Shining and Flurry here?” Twilight looked around but didn’t see them.
“They are, but well…” Cadance giggled. “They’re probably still right outside the front door. Flurry’s going through a phase where she likes to eat grass. Like, right off the ground.”
“Oh my.” Twilight laughed. “That sounds adorable.”
“It is, I have so many pictures of her doing it, I’ll need to show you some time.”
“Please do.”
“I wouldn’t mind her doing it, except it totally ruins her appetite. Also sometimes she bites down on bugs too. And keeps eating them.” Cadance frowned in the direction of the door. “In fact she’s actually partial to grubs.”
“Oh dear.” Twilight made a face.
“Yeah… foals, am I right?” Cadance nudged her. “When are you having some of your own?”
“Hah! Not any time soon.”
“Well, if you ever do, you’ll make a great mother.” Cadance went to greet Starlight, while Celestia and Luna sat at one of the tables on the stage.
Twilight went to find Spike, who was talking to Smolder. “Hey, has Sunset come in yet?”
“Not yet. She’s getting the going away present together though, I’m sure she’ll be in soon.”
“Ah, right. I hope the statue turned out okay.”
“I’m sure it’ll look perfect.”
Twilight nodded and went to wait by the door, eager to see her brother and niece. It wasn’t a long wait. They soon came in, Flurry Heart riding on Shining Armor’s back and eating a daffodil.
“Sorry, I couldn’t stop her from getting into the flower bed,” Shining apologized.
“That’s okay,” Twilight replied. “Rarity’s been wanting to replant it anyway. Hi Flurry!”
Flurry stuffed the rest of the flower into her mouth and cooed, reaching her hooves out to Twilight.
“Alright, come here.” Twilight lifted her with her magic, bringing her over so she could nuzzle her belly. “Have you gotten bigger?”
Flurry laughed and grabbed her horn, gnawing on it.
“She’s so bitey,” Twilight commented.
“Yeah, I don’t know why, she’s not teething anymore.”
“Hm. Oh well. Cadance is waiting for you up on the stage, let’s sit down.”
“Oh, we’re sitting up there? Alright.” Shining followed her to the stage, and they took their seats. Twilight passed Flurry to Cadance, who set her on her lap and gave her a celery stalk to chew on.
Twilight looked around the room, then got up and went to the podium, turning on the microphone and tapping it. “Could I get everyone’s attention please?”
Vinyl turned down her music, and everyone quieted, looking at Twilight.
“Thank you. I’d like to thank you all for coming. It means so much to us that you would all take time out of your day to see Starlight Glimmer off on her next adventure. So I thought it’d be nice if we could say some things about her, and at the end we’ll have a surprise for her. I’ll save my comments for later, but would anyone like to come speak?”
Starlight started to blush at the idea of people talking about what they liked about her, but really she was flattered.
“Ooh, I’ll go first,” Rainbow said, getting up. She was definitely drunk now, but she confidently strolled up to the podium. Twilight went to sit down, and Rainbow picked up the microphone, looking at Starlight. “Starlight! My good friend, my pal, look at you! You’ve done a great job as guidance counselor at the school, but now it’s come time for you to move on. We’re all going to miss you, and we wish you luck in the next stage of your life.”
“Thank you,” Starlight replied, smiling.
“But I gotta say. You’ll be traveling to a lot of places, meeting lots of new ponies.” Rainbow leaned in close to the mic and flashed her a grin. “Try not to enslave them, alright?”
The room erupted into laughter and hooting, and Starlight’s blush deepened. “O-of course not.”
Trixie was laughing hard, and put a foreleg around Starlight. “Haha, I’ll keep an eye on her!”
“You rock. See ya around, and good luck.” Rainbow got down from the podium, high-hoofing Applejack on her way back to her seat. Applejack got up and went to the podium.
“Sorry sugarcube, but I gotta be honest with you,” Applejack said. “But this isn’t just a going away party. It’s also going to be a roast.”
Starlight’s ears laid back. “Oh no.”
“Oh yes. I don’t like being mean to my friends, but sometimes ya just gotta call a pony out. You’re honestly pretty arrogant at times, you should work on that. But ya know, you’re still a great friend. When you’re not brainwashing us to make us easier to deal with.”
Starlight coughed and downed her drink, and used her magic to retrieve another from across the room.
Applejack continued, “But hey! I’m sure Equestria will enjoy seeing magic tricks from such a talented unicorn. And you too, Starlight.”
Trixie laughed again, banging her hoof on the table. “Yes!”
“Have fun out there, and don’t forget to visit,” Applejack said, getting down.
“Thanks,” Starlight replied. She didn’t know if she was embarrassed or amused by all this. But the crowd was loving it.
Rarity took her turn. “I don’t have much to say. Starlight, you’re a dear and you have such a unique sense of fashion, I’ve always enjoyed working with you, on the rare occasion that you actually want to get dressed up. But darling…” She shook her head. “You really need to work on your mane care. Seriously, folks!” She addressed the crowd. “I was doing up her mane once, and it was full of lint! So much lint! As if she had buried her head in old blankets! How does that even happen?!”
Everyone tittered, and a few catcalled.
“And one time I was finishing up a dress for her, and she asked if I could ‘tastefully’ rip up the hem! Ripping my beautiful work?! I don’t think so!” Rarity waited for them to calm down, and said, “But I digress. Thank you for all you’ve done for the school, Starlight. Enjoy your travels.”
Starlight nodded, grinning. This was actually pretty fun.
Pinkie took her turn. Starlight wondered what she would have to say. Pinkie tapped the mic a few times, and said, “Testing, testing, balloons and cake, can ya hear me?”
Everyone acknowledged that they could. Quite clearly.
“Oh good!” Pinkie casually leaned on an elbow as she addressed Starlight. “Starlight! We’ve loved having you around, and you always bring a smile to my face! Of course, what doesn’t, am I right?”
Everyone laughed, a few stomping their hooves.
“Haha, yeah. So! We’re gonna miss you so so much, Starlight! But I’m sure you’ll have a blast on your trip.” Pinkie looked at Trixie. “Although… Trixie, I really hope you do all the cooking, because let me tell you. Starlight’s got all the talent of an 80-year-old school cafeteria chef.”
This was met with amused hollering, and Starlight flushed red. “Y-yeah, I’m uh… not too good at cooking.”
“That’s an understatement.” Pinkie bowed as she received applause, and skipped back to her seat.
The next person came up. And much to Starlight’s surprise, it was Fluttershy. She relaxed. Fluttershy was so sweet, there was no way she’d have anything particularly scathing to say.
Fluttershy stood at the podium, leaned in, and bumped her snout into the mic. She squeaked and everyone laughed, and she blushed, hiding slightly behind her mane. Then she softly said, “Hello, every creature. So, we’re all here to say bye to Starlight Glimmer. She’s done a lot of good work around Ponyville, especially for the Friendship School, and I’m sure we’ll miss her. But I hope she succeeds, along with Trixie, with her magic shows. It’s just a little disappointing though, I might need her particular talents.” Fluttershy sighed wistfully. “Oh well. I suppose if I need help with the animals I can find somepony else who’s mastered mind control magic.”
The room broke into laughter and wolf whistles. And over it all was Discord yelling, “Got! Damn!”
“Oh dear,” Fluttershy said. She went to gently touch Starlight’s hoof. “I’ll bring you a list of local burn wards later.”
“Get her!” Tempest yelled.
Fluttershy waved and went back to her seat.
“Oh she got you good,” Trixie whispered.
Tempest got up. “Okay, okay, I have something to say.”
“Oh no,” Starlight said.
“And after years of serving the Storm King, I have no filter,” Tempest added, climbing up onto the stage.
“Oh no.”
Tempest took the mic, cleared her throat, and paused for effect. Then she shouted, “Starlight, you absolute cretin! I mean, you were trash until just a few years ago, and I’m still questioning how much you’ve really changed, but come on! I mean my past isn’t the cleanest either, but at least I let ponies keep their goddamn cutie marks! Then I could know exactly how they could best serve me, and they’d actually have the ability to give it their all! Get your shit together, Glim Glam! I’ve seen better villains in puppet shows!”
The crowd was roaring and Starlight was taken aback.
Tempest waited for it to quiet down, then said, “But seriously, I’m glad you saw the error of your ways and have made strides to be better. I understand. But come on! Cutie mark stealing! What kind of stupid bullshit…”
“Okay Tempest, you’ve made your point, there are children here,” Twilight said.
Tempest snorted, but stepped down. “Oh please, the children are laughing their flanks off. A little swearing never hurt anyone.” She went up to Starlight and gave her a hug. “See ya around. Remember to write.”
“Of course.” Starlight hugged her back. “That was pretty savage.”
“Oh, just wait until Discord gets done with you.”
Starlight swallowed. Tempest returned to her seat and Discord stood.
“Okay, my turn! I have a lot to say!”
“Discord, please sit down,” Starlight begged.
“Nope!” He teleported behind the podium and picked up the mic, walking around to slowly pace behind Starlight. “Ah, Starlight Glimmer. Sweet, intelligent Starlight Glimmer. Conniving, manipulative Starlight Glimmer.”
“Ugh.” Her ears flattened back.
Discord gripped her shoulder with his talons, making her tense. “Where do I even begin?”
“Please be gentle,” she said.
“No can do, Glim Glam. I’m only gentle with Tempest.” The crowd tittered, and Discord snapped, “Hey, quit it. Get your minds out of the gutter. I’m gentle with Fluttershy too.”
That didn’t make it much better. Discord rolled his eyes at the increased laughter and waited. Once it stopped, he got back to it.
“Now, when Twilight told me that everyone was going to be roasting you, I was skeptical,” he said. “I mean, first of all, wouldn’t barbecue be much tastier? It’s certainly much more fun to get together for a barbecue, have some drinks, light a bonfire… ya know? And second of all, you probably taste all bitter so the barbecue sauce would definitely be a requirement.”
That was met with hysterical laughter. Trixie actually wheezed. Discord seemed proud of himself, but he was nowhere near done.
“Am I right folks? Bring me the hickory smoke flavoring! Bring me some pepper! Haha, but enough about cooking, she wouldn’t get it anyway. Starlight. I gotta say, I admire your drive for power. I see a little of myself in you. But oh, your methods are so messy. Like Tempest said, you’re a terrible villain. Oh sure, you caused some damage. But nothing long lasting, I don’t even think you caused any psychological damage! The worst stuff you did all got undone through time travel fuckery! Now my legacy, my legacy has endured so long that plenty of ponies are still nervous about me!” Discord pointed at Celestia. “Why, Sunbutt over there only recently stopped having nightmares about how I would make her and her sister dance on hot caramel!”
Celestia went from smiling to scowling in an instant, along with Luna.
“We were having such a nice day until you reminded us of that,” Luna said. “Thanks.”
“No problem! Seriously Glimmer, you really gotta work on your villainy! We can workshop it sometime! I mean I briefly backslid into bastardry, you’re due to relapse any day now too!”
Starlight sighed, unamused. But the others were definitely entertained, grinning and stamping their front hooves on the tables.
“And when you do, I want you to at least make an impression,” Discord continued. He patted Starlight’s head. “But I think I’ve heckled you long enough, I feel like Spike and Twilight have things to say as well. So I’ll leave you with this.” He twisted his neck around her and gazed into her eyes. “I’ve always thought you look like a redesign of Twilight Sparkle created by a narcissistic 12-year-old with delusions of grandeur.”
“Holy shit!” Tempest called, before being drowned out by cheers.
Discord dropped the microphone and walked away while Starlight sat there, slack-jawed.
“Ohh sweet Celestia, he went there,” Trixie said. She gently closed Starlight’s mouth. “I’m so sorry.”
Starlight blinked. “Wow. Discord, who hurt you?”
He just did finger guns at her and sat down.
“Alright, let’s bring it down a little,” Spike said, retrieving the mic and flapping over to the podium. He had to hover to be seen over it, but he didn’t seem to mind. “Let’s talk a little about Starlight’s hobbies. Now she might not look it, but she’s a total geek. And even better, she was totally into depressing boy bands growing up, and she’d dress in dark clothes and combat boots, oh she was edgy.”
Starlight was a little embarrassed to have that brought up, but she supposed it could be worse.
Spike slowly hovered around the stage as he talked. “But we’re not here to lightly tease Starlight. Oh no. We’re here to totally roast her. So!” He moved in front of the table, and the moment he made eye contact with Starlight, she recalled some of the more questionable conversations she’s had with him. The secrets she’s revealed.
“Please no,” she said.
“Nope, I’m telling them.”
She groaned and hid her face in her forelegs.
Spike addressed the crowd. “Did you know she writes band fanfiction? Yes, writes, present tense. She still writes fanfiction. Of real ponies. Most of which I cannot describe here. Too many fillies and colts. But wow! Haha, holy crap, I never knew there were so many euphemisms for sex! You scored a winner, Trixie.”
“Kill me now,” Starlight mumbled, while Trixie cried with laughter next to her.
“That can be arranged!” Discord yelled. “Name the time and method!”
She lifted her head, and Spike gave her an apologetic look. “Sorry, but I just couldn’t keep that quiet anymore. And it is a roast.”
“I’d prefer you literally roasting me to that,” she muttered.
Spike shrugged. “Ah well. Have fun on your travels though, we’re gonna miss you!” He returned the mic and flew back to his seat.
Starlight sighed. There was a bit of a lull, and she began to hope it was over. Then her hopes were dashed when Twilight took the stand. She looked into the crowd. “Well, we’ve certainly learned a lot about our friend Starlight today. But you know, it’s all these odd things about her that makes us love her. Life would be boring if every pony were the same. Oh, I see Sunset Shimmer just walked in. She’s got a gift, but that’ll need to wait for just a few more minutes.”
Sunset brought the box to the podium, and Twilight thanked her, setting it aside. Sunset snuck back off to one of the tables. “Okay! Starlight, there’s so much I could say. You’ve been a marvelous student. Your progress is inspiring and I am very proud to have taught you all I know about friendship. And I’ve seen you pass those lessons on to students at the school. You’ve helped so many creatures, and I commend you for that. But I can’t let you go so easily. I just have one thing I want to say.” She took a breath, and said, “I love you, you’re great, but honestly, Starlight… if you’re going to mess around with Trixie outside of your bedroom, please at least have the decency to lock the door of whatever room you choose.”
Trixie lost her shit, and pounded the table as she gasped for breath, while Starlight stared straight forward, mortified. She clutched her drink and pulled it over, finishing it. Then she levitated over the bottle of tequila and took a shot.
The audience was laughing just as much as Trixie, and even the princesses joined in.
“Oh that’s scandalous,” Celestia giggled.
“I’m so glad I came,” Luna said. “This is payback for what she did to us. I’m so glad.”
“I was considering coming up with something, but I can’t top that,” Cadance said.
Twilight waited for things to settle, and smiled at Starlight. “Alright, now for the mare of the hour. Come on up here.”
Starlight’s face was bright red, but she stood, going to stand next to Twilight.
“You guys are jerks,” Starlight said.
“It was all done out of love.” Twilight opened the box. “I’d like to present you a token of our appreciation. The teachers all pooled our bits to have this made for you.” She levitated a beautiful golden statue about a foot tall, featuring a posing mare on a platform. “The plaque reads, ‘In appreciation of Starlight Glimmer, the best guidance counselor and friend we’ve ever had.’ Please keep it with you.”
“Aww.” Starlight took it with her own magic, and shook Twilight’s hoof. They looked forward, where somepony was waiting to take a picture of them. They waited until the camera flashed, and Starlight said, “Thank you so much. I’ll take it with me everywhere.”
Twilight smiled and stepped down, letting Starlight have the mic.
She took a moment to try and compose herself, failed, and laughed wildly. “Wow! Just wow, I was not expecting all this. But thank you. Thank you to everyone who came, who shared kind words with me. And I will even thank the wonderful people who roasted me. I uh… understood your criticisms and will take it all to heart.” She received applause. “So, I’ve had a great time here in Ponyville, but it’s time for me to move on. Trixie and I have really grown to care for each other, and when she asked me to join her show, how could I say no? So I’ll be leaving with her, but thank you for all your support. I appreciate what you’ve all done for me. I’ll never forget you. I’m not much for speeches, so… yeah. Thanks again.” She stepped down, returning to her seat with her gift, and received a standing ovation.
She fiddled with her empty plate, still overwhelmed with the events of the day. Slowly the others settled, returning to their conversations and food. Vinyl turned the volume of the music back up. Several people came up to talk to Starlight, checking that she was okay. She assured them that she was. Sure, she was flustered, but looking back, that was actually really fun.
“Did you know about this?” she asked Trixie once she had a few minutes alone.
“No, all they told me was it was a going away party, I had no idea they were planning this,” Trixie promised. “But I’m glad it was a surprise, because it was hilarious.”
“Heh.” Starlight rested a foreleg around her. “It sure was.” She was going to miss this place.
