Whom Gods Deflower

by PrincessColumbia

Rating: teen
Tags: Equestria Girls, Comedy, Profanity, Discord, Principal Celestia, Slice of Life, Sex, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Fluttershy
Length: 4643

...they first make aroused

In which a certain draconaquus discovers that there is, indeed, a point at which it is possible to take chaos too far.

August 8, 2018 - FEATURED!!! Thank you, you love me, you really love me!

Published 2018-08-07 21:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-07 21:30:01 UTC

Thus Spoke Discord

Author's Note

Fun fact: I was halfway through writing this before I realized I royally effed up the timeline and had to rewrite a bunch of it to match the correct passage of time.

So here we are, we have yet another flash-fiction entry in a series I never intended to be a part of. Once again, written pretty much off the top of my head, no editor, no pre-readers. You have been warned.

P.S. - The arrows matter

Thus Spoke Discord

There was a point at one must acknowledge that, no matter the consequences, the fault for ones circumstances can only be laid at one's own feet.

⬅

Discord was rolling around on the ceiling, laughing his mismatched butt off. "Drunken Sex Party...high schoolers...PREGNANT!!!"

The now-well-into-her-sixth-month-pregnant Princess Luna glared up at the amused chaos entity. "I hardly see what's so funny. And for Faust's-sake, fix the damn ceiling fan! It's HOT in here!"

Discord glanced over at the two thestrels that were standing post at either side of the closed door, which was bedecked by the staff with Hearth's Warming decorations; he had to admit their dedication to their princess was admirable, they were restricting their shivering to their legs so as to keep their armor from rattling. "My dear Lulu," began the draconequus as he snapped his fingers. With a flash, the ceiling fan was replaced with an airplane prop that immediately began spinning at flight speeds, creating gale-force winds in the royal quarters, "If it were any colder in here we'd be able to keep the royal wine stores here as a backup." His conversational tone was somehow perfectly clear over the roar of the plane engine.

"DISCORD!" barked Luna in the Royal Canterlot Voice, "SHUT THAT INFERNAL THING OFF!" She hastily magicked a field to catch and hold down the room's contents as the air blasted about in a cyclone.

The chaos being rolled his eyes, for once in a purely pony expression of irritation. "'Discord, make the fan work.' 'Discord, stop making the fan blow.' You mares and your pregnancy brain." He snapped his fingers again, this time returning the ceiling fan's base to normal, it's blades now replaced with the Cutie Mark Crusaders wearing winter scarves and caps, their hind-hooves embedded in the blade mount.

Luna gasped along with the three fillies. To their credit, the CMC took a look around, saw that Discord was a part of the scene, and then sighed in frustration, almost in unison. Luna was less blasé, "Discord! Return the fillies from whence you spirited them!"

Discord grinned a comedian's stage grin, "They're your fans, get it?"

Even the guards merely glared at him with a flat look.

"Oh, fine!" he grumbled, "None of you are any fun today." So saying, he snapped his fingers, returning the CMC to whatever shenanigans they had been up to and the fan to it's original form, though this time in actual working order, the device now spinning sedately.

Luna set the room's tchotchkes to their place and sighed, "I find it odd that you did not hear of the circumstances that brought Us to this state."

Discord humph-ed and crossed his forlimbs, "I don't only spend my time making you pony's lives more interesting. I have my own side projects that fill my schedule.

↖

Admiral Picard groaned as he watched the balloons that had once been lionfish swimming around in their tank. Even after nearly 20 years of this, it never got any easier to deal with.

↘

"I swear, it's like you ponies think the multiverse revolves around you."

Luna sighed and rubbed her temple with a forehoof, "Nonetheless, you are now informed. And I dislike your assumption that I was fat."

↪

Even Discord had to acknowledge that the escalation from there was perhaps a bit ill-advised.

⬅

Princess Celestia sipped mulled spiced cider as she contemplated her response to her sister. There was a pleasantly pregnant pause (narrative and alliterative puns not intended) before she spoke; "And I suppose you're going to attribute the...'invitation' to visit the human realm to 'pregnancy brain,' dear sister of mine?"

Luna at least had the sense to blush. "I, ah, may have insinuated that Discord's ill manners aught to be addressed by thy wayward student; that he may best be informed of my condition by a visitation to the foals...er, 'father.'"

Celestia breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth, a meditation exercise that had aided her throughout her long reign...and even more so in the last decade or so since the events that triggered the most recent spate of jiggery-pokery to vex her life. "I find it small comfort that both school and parliament are in winter break, so at the very least Discord's...pranks will be somewhat restricted by mere lack of audience and the presence of someone who can wrangle any errant magicks that should be cast."

At this Luna blushed a little deeper, "Ah, yes...about that..."

Celestia's visage grew stern, she could feel the calm of her meditation exercise drain from her body.

⬅

Princess Luna was immeasurably grateful that the architect of the mirror (she really needed to ask Starswirl about that, now that he was returned from Limbo) had thought to translate beings into humans complete with appropriate clothing. She could easily imagine the awkwardness of arriving in the human realm bereft of garb and in public. Momentarily Discord came through, arriving as a tall, khaki-skinned, white mane...er, haired man. His eyes remained a their sallow yellow color, but for perhaps the first time in his existence his appearance was appropriately nearly symmetrical. His clothing had come out in the form of a suit, something suitable for a professor of a small university, but in a combination of eye-wrenchingly bright and horrible coloring that would have given either version of Rarity fits.

Luna's gown, on the other hand, would have made a fantastic study in how to make a pregnant woman's form look regal and noble even while obviously gravid and requiring wardrobe accommodations for being with child. The heeled sandals from previous visits were now bedazzled flats, the shimmering fabric that draped over her belly was a gorgeously lighter color from the surrounding midnight blue of the rest of the gown, giving the impression of viewing a lovely white cloud amid a night sky. Her tiara had made the transition nearly unchanged save to fit her new form, but her peytrel had turned into a mantle and her fore-shoes were now gloves.

Before Luna could do anything else, Discord made the most undignified noise, like a cat trying to hack up a hairball via his left ear canal with a detour through Detrot. She turned to him in alarm and saw him drop to all fours. What happened next would have been comical, were it not so disturbing. As best she could tell he actually vomited magic. A puce, Technicolor rainbow of color, and it was an actual rainbow, not the euphemistic reference sometimes used by the palace guards when referring to their post-leave hangover symptoms. Where the magic..."splashed," the sidewalk turned plaid and started singing a show tune.

Discord, for his part, looked completely embarrassed. After righting himself and dusting off his knees, he looked like he was trying to pretend the disturbing moment never happened.

Any further comment Luna could have made was interrupted by her human-world doppelganger exiting the school's front doors. "Lulu!" exclaimed the vice-principal, "So good to see you! Should you be travelling in your condition?" the full-time human version of the night princess leaned in to give her counterpart a hug.

Princess Luna chuckled, "Fear not, equine gestation is longer than human. I still have yet six more months before I shall be giving birth."

Vice-principal Luna chuckled and returned to arm's length, which was still quite close to the other woman with her belly as big as it was, "Goodness! What, are you having triplets? You're huge!" her shocked tone was belied by her wide grin and the twinkle in her eye.

↪

"You're stalling, sister." interrupted Celestia.

The pregnant mare sighed, "Yes, I suppose so. Suffice to say that Sunset Shimmer and...family are off on a cruise. They wanted to have, and I quote, 'One last fling before the kids are born and they're all running around like chickens with their heads cut off.'" Luna shuddered, "Truly a morbid turn of phrase."

"So a nigh omnipotent and omniscient being with a penchant for pranks and hijinks has been unleashed upon the human world just in time for the holidays?!" Celestia straightened in alarm.

Luna tittered lightly, "Oh, that! Neigh, fret not dear sister. The matter is not as frightful as all that."

⬅

Discord snapped his fingers for the fifth time, staring at them in disbelief. "Oh, no, not again!"

The princess and the educator were giggling at him, "You know," chuckled Vice-principal Luna, "I think they make pills for that."

"This has only happened once before, and that joke wasn't funny then and it isn't funny now!"

"Funny?" smirked the princess, "Oh, neigh, this is hilarious!"

↪

Celestia sighed in relief, "Oh, so he's powerless?"

Luna's impish grin lit her eyes in a twinkle, "Not quite powerless..."

⬅

Before he could reply, Discord hiccupped. All at once his outfit changed into a track suit. A neon green track suit who's fashion came straight from the 70's. The 1770's.

↪

"It seems the chaos magic is inside his form, but as his body isn't made to channel or handle it, he has no direct control over it's use," her tittering started turning into genuine guffaws, "It seems that it pretty much only affects him and the things he's directly touching. Once I explained to my counterpart why I found his predicament so amusing, she taught me a phrase I found most appropriate..."

Celestia allowed some mirth to sneak into her voice, "What's that?"

"Karma's a bitch!"

With that, both sisters broke into unrestrained laughter.

↪

Honestly, they should have let him just return to Equestria. It wasn't like he could visit Sunset like they originally planned...

⬅

"Loony, I don't need a tour of the school!" Discord was nearly panicking. Being unable to control his powers was a surprisingly distressing emotional space for him. "We'll call it done, I'm sorry for making fun of you while you're pregnant, ha-ha, such a good punishment for ol' Discord, right?"

The two Lunas ignored him, though before either of them could continue the conversation he'd been trying to interrupt, Luna's stomach let out a tremendous noise. "Oh, my apologies!"

The vice-principal chuckled, "Don't worry about it, you're pregnant. I'm surprised you didn't come over with a pickle sandwich or something."

At the mention of pickles, Princess Luna's stomach's displeasure at being empty announced itself again. "Oh, my! I am quite hungry all of a sudden. Have you any food here?"

The educator frowned, "No, the cafeteria is closed during the break, and the nearest fast food place is nearly a mile away. You'd probably be better off going back through the statue. The other side is inside Princess Twilight's castle, right? Doesn't she have a kitchen staff?"

Princess Luna quirked the corner of her mouth in exasperation, "Neigh. The young princess believes she doesn't need a staff...or a guard...under the mistaken belief that such things would make her 'unapproachable.' Ah, well. Young Spike will be there, and the drake is surprisingly handy in the kitchen."

Vice-principal Luna waved her doppelganger toward the front entrance of the school. "Go on, then, I'll take care of your friend here."

The princess smiled and nodded, waddling off in the direction of the portal, "Thank ye, and do let me know if Discord gives you any trouble."

Discord glared at the vice-principal, "You can let me go now."

Luna rolled her eyes, "And let you run after the mom-to-be and interrupt pregnant-food-time? She'd kill you so hard we'd be cleaning your bits off our ceiling."

Discord opened his mouth to say something, but then suddenly burped and his head now sported a cap with the words, "My other chicken rides a scooter" on it.

↪

At least Principal Celestia was pleasant enough to deal with.

⬅

Discord was speechless, and for once it wasn't because he made his mouth fall off and drink a pint of igneous. He had flirted with the alicorn princess version of the woman sitting at the desk he was currently on the visitor's side of, but other than her occasional returning of affectionate teasing, their particular relationship had never really progressed.

But this creature was stunning! Perhaps it was how she was less...restrained and formal than her counterpart, perhaps it was how her form was much more similar to his native form, maybe it was how she didn't have any previous experience with him and thus didn't automatically view him with suspicion; whatever the case may be, he simply sat and basked in her presence as the vice-principal briefed her sister on his presence.

"...so we're not going to be aunties to a little royal horse for a few months longer than we expected. It'll give us more time to find a good shower gift, if nothing else."

The principal chuckled, "Well, I think we'd still better take care of it sooner than later. I found this on my desk this morning." She handed a pink envelope to Luna, who opened it up. "Apparently, according to Princess Twilight, we're not supposed to question how her version of Pinkie Pie managed to get into a locked school building without being caught on any security cameras."

"Goodness!" exclaimed Luna as she scanned the contents of the envelope. "She's planning a baby shower for next week? I think we'd better go get the gift now, we've got that meeting with the school board tomorrow, then Saturday we're helping Sunset and her 'herd' get home from the airport, Sunday the boutiques won't be open...Monday and Tuesday the stores will all be closed for Hearth's Warming, and the shower is on Wednesday!" Luna grumpily stuffed the card back into the envelope, "Well, at least we won't have to deal with airport security over the holiday week for this trip."

"Why don't you go take care of that, Luna? I can keep our visitor entertained."

Were Discord participating in the conversation, the prospect of spending time alone with this vision of loveliness would have stopped his ability to speak words.

↪

Should he have insisted on going with Luna? Yes, yes he should have.

⬅

"I'm sorry about the juice box being all I can offer. One of the hazards of being an educator, even if my students are all in high school."

Discord swallowed the lump in his throat with the juice in his mouth, "Oh, hardly! Think nothing of it, please. You've granted me more hospitality than..." he hiccupped again, this time his outfit turned into a 1920's era baseball uniform while his hair puffed out like a mad scientist, "...excuse me, than the princesses ever granted me."

Celestia chuckled as she put away a couple of files, then opened the next drawer. "That's too bad, so far you've been perfectly pleasant company." Sighing, she lifted the next stack of files out, "I wish I could just toss last quarter's files in the shredder, but I still have to pull out some records which we don't automatically digitize." She dropped the stack on the desk, causing a flurry of dust to practically explode off the folders. She waved her hand through the haze coughing gently, "Whoops, sorry about that..." She trailed off as she looked over at her guest.

Discord was practically bunched into a ball, breathing in deep, heavy, pre-sneeze gasps of air. With every noisy inhale, his clothing shifted slightly, his hair went from curly to straight to bald to pink, his eyes shifted species several times, and then he tensed...and sniffled. "Aaaah!" he sighed as he relaxed into his chair. "I'm so sorry about that. This little nose seems to be quite sensiWHAAA-CHOO!!!"

The sneeze went off like a gunshot in the small office, and in Discord's seat sat a woman. That it was still Discord was undeniable, she had the same eyes, the same skinny lithe form, the same hairstyle she had been wearing upon first entering the realm, she even had a bit of a snaggletooth peaking out from under her lip, which rather than detracting from her appearance only lent a hint of sexy cuteness. Her clothing was a stereotypical schoolgirl uniform, though the type that a fully grown woman wears on Nightmare Night when going to a more adult oriented party, so yes, the "slutty schoolgirl" trope was in full effect.

She remained frozen for a moment in her post-sneeze rictus, then slowly unbound her posture to return to something resembling a proper seating position. As politely as she could, she reached out and daintily pulled a tissue from the dispenser box on Celestia's desk. Upon blowing her nose, which oddly enough didn't cause any chaotic effects, she said in a smooth, melodious voice, "Do please excuse me, I just don't seem to be able to control my powers in this world."

She looked up, only to see Celestia watching her with a bit of a thousand-yard-stare, a flushed red face, and gripping the arms of her chair like it was going to eject her from it at any moment. "Celestia...?" she inquired openly.

↪

Naturally, the thing to have done at that point would have been to run to the portal and dive through. That would have been the right and responsible thing to do. But then, Discord recognized that "right" and "responsible" were two words that were never associated with the name "Discord," so really, there was nobody else to blame.

⬅

The beet-red educator gulped, her eyes focusing on the now female guest in her office currently posing as every naughty teenage boy's wet dream (however accidental such a change may have been) and realized that the vision before her only compounded the problem being in the splash area of the chaotic magical discharge had left her with. "Yes, ah, Mr. Discord..."

The draconequus-turned-man-turned-woman waved her hand, "My dear Celestia, you've more than earned the right to not use 'mister' in front of my name. Besides," she waved a hand over her barely-legal form, "I'm hardly in possession of the equipment to earn that particular title."

"OK...Discord..." Celestia gulped again, "You're an expert on magic, correct?"

At this the now younger appearing woman made a scoffing noise, "Please, Princess Twilight only wishes she could know as much about magic as me..." she snapped her fingers and held a triumphant pose for a moment before she remembered that she couldn't actually command her magic anymore. "Oh, poo!" she grumped, crossing her arms under her bust, causing it to lift and present a rather impressive cleavage.

Celestia dug her fingers into the arms of the chair even harder at the display, "Yes, well, I need your...professional opinion! I seem to have a...development that I was hoping to get your help with."

↪

What should she have done at that juncture? Gone and gotten Twilight. She was just on the other side of the portal, after all.

What didn't she do at that point? Gone and gotten Twilight.

⬅

"Oh...oh, my!" gasped the draconequus-cum-student. "I'm not familiar with human stallion anatomy, but I would wager that this is a prize example!"

Celestia could barely glance down at her now open fly on her pants. She was doing everything in her power to look anywhere else as a matter of fact, than at anything happening south of her collarbone, especially avoiding looking down at the apparently female form looking on with an expression that could easily be mistaken for lust at, yes, a prize example of a male phallus.

"Pardon me for asking a rather intimate question, but I presume you don't normally have one?" Discord said as she reached out to physically examine the subject.

"NnO!!!!" croaked Celestia as she felt something cool and soft on something that had no business being warm and hard, especially not on her body.

The true challenge that Celestia was grappling with at this point was that along with the physical changes, she had apparently been gifted with the libido and orientation necessary to...fuel the engine required to operate the equipment, as it were. The principal had no idea if Discord even knew what "hot for teacher" even was, but save for the somewhat twisted gender of the educator in question, this scene could have leapt straight out of some of the porn she'd confiscated from her students. (Although there was a few flash drives that she'd been encountering lately that had some imagery that pretty much exactly matched this scene...and now you're thinking of it and oh goddess I shouldn't have thought of that and how-do-boys-handle-this!

Discord, still in the midst of her examination, looked up at the lust-filled, panting face of the woman she'd become instantly smitten with and the penny dropped. "...oh!" she exclaimed breathily.

↪

In fairness to herself, Discord couldn't have been aware of exactly what she was encountering until that very moment. She had long given up on any true romantic entanglements, and self-pleasure became very boring after the second century of existence post-puberty, and Discord didn't do 'boring,' so consequently had simply dismissed sex and it's various accessories, incarnations, and alternates.

She still should have just stopped it all right there and gone for help.

Damnit!

⬅

Luna was humming happily to herself as she draped her coat over her arm as she entered the school. Her months of acquaintance with her alicorn counterpart had let her learn a few tricks, one of which was a voice that wasn't' quite the Royal Canterlot Voice, but damned if it wasn't close. A few judicious uses of the voice while at the various shops had allowed her to finish her shopping tasks in fairly short time. She'd had to purchase a few extra items so she and her sister could go through them all and decide which to return and which to wrap for the party, but that was a small concession to make in exchange for being able to master the holiday shopping crush.

Her ebullient mood was deflated slightly when she heard what at first she thought were minor sounds of distress. After a moment, along with her trajectory taking her closer to the source of the sound, she realized it wasn't distress. She was somewhat confused on this count, as the usual suspects (that is, the student body and the handful of staff that couldn't keep their privates in their pants) were not in the building. She'd seen that her sister's car was the only other one as she pulled her SUV in to her parking spot just minutes earlier. So who could...?

Her eyes bugged out as she hastened to the principal's office door, but she paused with her hand on the knob. She took a breath, and ever so carefully turned the handle. Making as little noise as possible, she risked a peak into the room.

Fortunately, the activity that was being very vigorously pursued by her sister and their guest was behind her sister's desk rather than on it, but she could easily recognize her sister's hair atop the head jutting out from behind it and falling in a curtain that obscured the couple's faces, and the toenails on the toes curling at the ends of feet currently braced against the edge of the desk and the back of her sister's chair were painted in a weird mismatched color scheme.

It took every ounce of self control to re-close the door without making a sound, then make her way out to the hallway. Once there, she started running for the portal, a quiet giggle working it's way up to a roaring belly laugh by the time she passed through the base of the statue.

↪

Discord didn't know what was worse, really.

The newest paramour of her heart, the currently unicorn Principal Celestia, was still blushing red enough that she looked more pink than white. A few basic magic lessons let the temporary mare use her horn to participate in the baby shower games, though she kept shifting about thanks to the bits of anatomy that she'd never had to worry about prior to the week before. Discord herself was nestled in next to the educator, doing her best to comfort the woman who was feeling rather put out.

They both considered themselves lucky that they were only having to deal with the Mane 6 right now, because piling on the HuMane 7 would have been unbearable. The principal was not looking forward to encountering her former students again. She knew, intellectually, that they would only tease their former high school authority figure within an inch of her face's ability to stop blushing, and that thanks to Sunset 'fathering' Princess Luna's child they were already going to be practically family from now on; and being family meant you had certain licenses that former-educators/students didn't enjoy.

That didn't mean that they wanted to face the double-dose of all the ponies and humans that the principal had chewed out for the very activity that she and discord had engaged in. True, it was different, they were consenting adults, both clearly of the age of majority, and so weren't in the ethically gray no-man's land that Sunset Shimmer and company metaphorically played soccer in. It just went to show, however, that no matter how old you are, the part of your brain that's perfectly capable of embarrassing you wastes no time in making you feel like you're twelve again and the world is judging you.

When they'd gone to Twilight after...well, after Celestia's new growth refused to disappear, and then once on the Equestrian side of the portal no matter what Discord did she couldn't return to being male, the Princess of Friendship scanned them, got the second opinion of Nurse Redheart, and congratulated the happy couple; Discord was pregnant. As for Celestia's new...endowment, the magic that made it was part of what made Discord a female, and as long as the draconequus was pregnant, the magic of the foal (...or whatever species it was going to be) was going to overpower any attempts to undo the magic that allowed it to be created in the first place, which mean the principal was investing in a new wardrobe and learning how to tuck for the foreseeable future.

As silly games were being played around them and ponies were fawning over Luna and Applejack's very large bellies and gifts were being piled ever higher and snow swirled around the castle outside, Principal Celestia would catch Princess Celestia gazing at them, a betrayed look in her eye. As soon as the princess realized she was staring (and furthermore had been caught), she'd shake her head, find a nearby pony to strike up a conversation with, and pretend she'd never locked eyes with her counterpart.

And Discord saw this, and she knew that at least some small part of the princess had started falling for her flirting, and she was now really, really regretting every single decision that brought her to this point. With a sigh she leaned back against the...father of her child.

And even with all the awkwardness and embarrassment, she wasn't sure which was worse: Being stuck in this situation and the insufferably smug look that Sunset Shimmer would give the principal when they had to break the news to the one who'd started this whole mess, or the knowledge that Discord's current situation was nobody's fault but her own.