Geldings

I had another painful night, but at least the quill trick was working. I woke up wondering why I was still trying to hide the fact I'd grown up. Frustrating my intended plan, the thought of being gelded wasn't getting any easier to stomach. If anything, I was more nervous about it after hearing from Rumble.

That day at school I noticed some of the other colts whispering to each other during class. Cheerilee had to stop class twice to tell them to wait until recess to talk. I didn't think much of it at the time.

During recess, Rumble, Snips, and Snails were gathered over in the corner of the classroom where Cheerilee kept a bunch of old dresses for the fillies to play dress-up with.

"Quick, he's coming," I heard Snips whisper. They all quickly threw on dresses.

"Guys...? What the hay are you doing?" I asked. Seeing Rumble giggling in a gingham dress was highly unnerving.

"I'm a gelding now, Featherweight!" said Rumble, in a high-pitched falsetto. "I want to wear dresses and play with dolls!"

"Yeah, wrestling and playing tag are boring. Let's play house instead!" lilted Snips, batting his eyes.

"Uh, don't worry, you'll get to join us soon," said Snails. He had on a goofy grin. "Oh, we can have a tea party!"

Rumble narrowed his eyes and grinned. "Hay, let's put a dress on him now so he can see what it feels like!" he said. He grabbed a dress in one hoof.

"Th-this isn't funny!" I said, backing up a step and stomping the floor with a hoof. "Stop messing with me!"

"Ah, we're sorry," said Snails, frowning. "We were just playing with you!"

"Yeah. I mean, you gotta be a gelding eventually. It's not so bad," said Snips.

I stared down at the floor. "I'm not going to be a gelding," I said, very softly.

"Oh wow. He really doesn't want to be a gelding!" said Snails.

"Guys, relax. Featherweight's just kidding," said Rumble, dropping the dress on the floor. "I mean, he doesn't want to end up like his dad."

My eyes widened and I looked Rumble right in the eye. I could tell by his face he knew he'd said something really wrong. He opened his mouth to apologize, but only a squeak came out.

And then, something inside me snapped. I felt an anger that overwhelmed all of my senses, and my body began to shake.

"DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY FATHER!" I screamed, and I punched him hard in the face.

Rumble fell back into the pile of clothes and looked up at me with a bruised cheek, totally shocked. Then he began to bawl like a baby.

I was instantly horrified by what I'd done. I'd just injured my best friend, and it had only taken a split-second of anger to do it! I turned and galloped out of the schoolhouse, and I didn't stop running until I reached home.

Mom was outside in the garden when I ran past her into the house.

"Feather?" she called, and followed me inside. "What's wrong?" When she found me, I was lying on my bed crying.

"I... I don't want to talk about it," I sobbed.

"You're supposed to be at school," she said, but I didn't respond. Mom sat patiently on the bed next to me and gently petted my mane.

I finally looked up to her, sniffling. "Tell me about my father?" I asked. (I will never, ever call him 'Dad'.)

Mom's eyes softened. "Your father... what do you want to know?" She handed me some tissues.

"All the stuff you never told me, I guess," I said, taking the tissues and blowing my nose.

"Other than his name and cutie mark, I've told you all I know," she said, sighing. "I know very little about who he was, and most of that came from the trial. I haven't hidden anything else from you."

I nodded. "Just... tell me again?"

She continued to pet my mane. "Okay, sweetie. As you know, your father was a poor earth pony from the Hayseed Swamps. His parents homeschooled him and didn't geld him right away when he had his emission. Before they had a chance to, he ran away from home," she said. "He came into Ponyville as a drifter. He wore pants all the time, and he was an adult by then so he was able to get away with it... I had no clue he was secretly a stallion. I took pity on him and paid him to do some chores around the house, and in repayment for my kindness he raped me." Mom said it in a matter-of-fact voice, as though it wasn't the most horrible thing you could imagine doing to a mare.

"Just... Why did he do it?" I asked.

"Oh Feather, I wish I knew. That was the main reason I attended the trial, apart from giving testimony," she said. "The trial was short, but sensationalized by the media. Rape is very rare, as you know. He admitted to everything but refused to plead guilty for some unknown reason."

"So what happened after the trial?"

"Well, they castrated him, naturally. The Princess insisted on waiting until the conclusion of the trial to do it, but she didn't explain her reasoning. I suspect it was to make it seem more like a punishment than a treatment, barbaric though that sounds."

"Castrated?"

"It means gelded," explained Mom. "It's... more general. Castration just means removal of the testicles. Gelding implies a more... intentional process, I suppose. More civilized."

I nodded and sniffled, drying my eyes.

"It didn't help anything, of course. He'd been a stallion for a decade by that point, so the hormonal damage to his brain was permanent. He still lives in a mental institution in Canterlot," she said. "Featherweight, I've never told you his name or mark because I don't want you to think you're obligated to be his son. He's never been a father to you, and the fact that you're related to him doesn't mean you're anything like him as a pony."

"I know. Even if I turned into a stallion I could never hurt a mare the way he hurt you," I said, and shuddered. "Do... do you hate him?"

Mom looked wistful. "Well... I did for a time, but now I just pity him. He may never grasp true friendship, which is a terrible fate for anypony. But of course I know you're different," she said. I could tell by the look on her face she was deciding whether or not to tell me something delicate. "Being raped... it hurt a little, but I was in shock through most of it, so it didn't hurt very badly until afterwards. But the real suffering was mental, not physical. I was afraid of geldings for years afterwards. When I discovered I was pregnant, I was even afraid you would be a colt."

I opened my mouth but I couldn't speak. I felt sick in the pit of my stomach.

"It's okay, sweetie. I'm very glad you're a colt," said Mom, with a gentle smile. "I didn't know what a blessing having a colt would be. I was just hurt and confused. I know you're not anything like your father. It wasn't just his testicles that raped me."

"Well, right, his penis," I said, rolling my eyes.

"No. I mean he was a bad pony, and his testicles weren't the only reason why. Back when stallions existed, most of them weren't bad ponies like your father."

"But if it's not just that he was a stallion for a while, then what else went wrong with him?" I asked

Mom shook her head. "I can't rightfully say. Maybe how he was raised, he didn't have enough friends? I don't know how his parents treated him, maybe they were too harsh. It could really be anything. Sometimes we don't know why true friendship won't touch a pony," she said. "It's out of our hooves, though."

"I still can't believe you don't hate him anymore. I hate him," I said, and I gritted my teeth until my jaw began to ache.

Mom kissed my forehead and smiled. "Well, without him, I wouldn't have you... and you're the best thing that ever happened to me, Featherweight. What he did was wrong, but I'm very happy things turned out the way they did," she said, and smiled down at me. "Now, sweetie, can you tell me what happened at school today?"

"I... I hit Rumble," I said, and her smile faded.

"I see. Why did you hit your friend?"

"He said something. About my father," I said. "It wasn't really bad or anything, it just... it made me so angry. I'm already sorry I did it. Gosh, I was sorry right after I did it."

Mom nodded solemnly. "I'm glad to hear that, but I'm not the one you need to apologize to," she said.

"I know! I just... I can't face him right now." My ears lay back against my mane. "You're mad at me, right?"

"Well... What did he say, exactly?"

"Just that I wouldn't want to turn out like him. It's true, though. I don't," I said.

My mother smiled wanly. "I don't think I ever told you this, but I once hit somepony in anger," she revealed.

"You did?" I asked, eyes wide.

She nodded. "Strawberry Sunrise. It was shortly after I gave birth to you. I overheard her call you a 'rape-baby' and she made an unflattering comparison to your father," she said, and stood up, cocking a rear leg. "I kicked her in the stomach so hard she vomited. We were both lucky I didn't crack her ribs."

"Holy horsefeathers!" I said, then blushed from the cuss. Mom didn't react. "S-sorry. Didn't you get in trouble?"

"A little, but there were witnesses to what she'd said, and they were sympathetic given what I'd been through. Friends of mine helped pay her medical expenses, and that settled the affair. It took a few years before Strawberry and I finally apologized to each other, though."

"I don't want to wait years to apologize to Rumble. What he said wasn't even that bad, and I feel terrible now," I said.

"We'll go see him after school," said Mom. "And I'll need to speak with your teacher about this as well."

It turns out I didn't have to wait. A few minutes later, there came a knock on the front door. Mom opened the door, but I hid in the kitchen. I heard Cheerilee's voice, and then my Mom called out for me.

I walked up to the door with my head bowed low. I could see Rumble standing there at the edge of my vision, but he wasn't mad. He looked as guilty as I felt.

"Featherweight already admitted what happened," said Mom. "Feather, do you have something you want to say to your friend?"

"I'm... I'm sorry I hit you," I said, my voice cracking.

"I'm sorry I said that about your dad," said Rumble. "And about teasing you."

"No, wait," I said, and lifted my head so I could see him eye to eye. I knew I was about to cry, but doing this was more important than how I felt. "I'm real sorry, and I'm serious. I don't know why I did it and I feel terrible now. What you said wasn't even bad. It's true. I don't want to be like my father." My eyes began to water.

"It was bad," said Rumble. "I thought I was defending you when I said it, but it was stupid."

"What Rumble said was improper, but I believe him when he says it was an accident," said Cheerilee, and her face soured. "The teasing, however, was completely inappropriate. Featherweight's friends earned detention today for their role in it."

"I wish I knew why I reacted like that," I said, rubbing a tear from my cheek. "I never wanted to hurt you."

Rumble walked over and gave me a firm hug. "It's okay," he said, and I hugged him back.

"Featherweight, however, has detention for the entire week. Do you understand why?" said my teacher.

I nodded. "I deserve it," I said. "It's wrong to hit somepony because you're mad."

Cheerilee smiled. "I'm glad to hear you say that. Rumble, you can run back to class now. I'll speak with your mother later tonight," she said. "I'd like to talk to Featherweight's mother for a moment."

"Should I go back to class?" I asked.

"No, I think it would be best if you stayed home today and wrote an essay on why hitting your friend was wrong," said Cheerilee. "You can come back to class tomorrow."

Rumble turned toward me. "I'll come over tonight if Mom lets me," said Rumble. "I know you didn't mean it, but she might freak out a little."

"Go to your room and work on that essay, Feather," said Mom.

I nodded and walked into my room, but I quietly opened my window to listen in. I knew it was wrong, but my nerves were on edge with everything that had happened.

"You know, you can take him early if you need to," said Cheerilee. "They artificially mature the testicles to develop sperm from them. He's old enough already."

"This has nothing to do with that," said Mom, angrily. "Cheerilee, you of all ponies should know better. My Feather is not the monster his father was!"

"I deeply apologize, I did not mean to imply that," said Cheerilee. "I know Featherweight is a good foal and I don't think this incident has anything to do with his hormones. I only said something in the event that you might be concerned."

For some reason, the thought hadn't crossed my mind until now. Was this because of my balls? Cheerilee didn't seem to think so, but what if the hormones were already damaging my brain? Even if they weren't, if I'd been brave enough to tell Mom in the first place I wouldn't be so on edge about my balls. Not to mention, they wouldn't have needed to tease me.

"You should have led with that reassurance," said Mom, and she snorted. "I've had to deal with irrational prejudice toward him since before he was born."

"I'm so sorry. It was an ignorant thing to say," said Cheerilee. "For the record, I wouldn't want him to go right away, even if he had his first emission today. I'd rather not have the other students view gelding as a punishment."

"That's a good idea. If he does have his emission today I'll wait a few days to take him," said Mom. "But confidentially? I almost wish I didn't have to do it at all. I already know there's no chance he'll be like his father. He's the sweetest colt in Equestria. Anypony who actually gets to know him sees that."

"I agree, he is. I don't like it either, but there's no way to know a priori who needs the operation," said Cheerilee. "The societal benefit only works when gelding is applied to all colts, and the benefit is tremendous."

"Ah, yes. The 'greater good'," said Mom. I detected thick sarcasm in her voice.

"We should get caught up later. It's been too long," said Cheerilee.

"Maybe Sunday?" said my Mom.

"Noon at the Hayburger?" said Cheerilee.

"Sounds good. See you then," said Mom.

I carefully closed the window, then sat down on my bed in thought.

I was having a hard time justifying keeping my balls. I'd just hurt my best friend, something I never thought I'd be able to do. From what I'd learned in class (and what Cheerilee just said) I knew it probably had nothing to do with my testicles. It was a freak occurrence, nothing more... but it still presented a serious problem.

Today I did something I never imagined myself capable of doing.

What else was I capable of? Could I rape a mare? Everything I knew about myself said no. But how do you know for sure?

How can a pony truly know what lies beneath?